Suburgatory (2011) s02e02 Episode Script

The Witch of East Chatswin

*** pumpkins, industrial size candy-corn, *** could only mean one thing: it was stripper-shoe season in Chatswin or as it's known to the *** Halloween.
I would now like to present my design concept for this year's Halloween costume.
Slutty-skank.
Using a very sparkling chain that goes from by belly piercing to my tail I would then spread cheap drugstore perfumes, on my enemies, from my butt.
That I haven't seen before.
I'm sorry.
I just I I can't keep silent on this any longer.
Sisters, doesn't society degrade us enough, what, with the beer ads and the wage gap and the chart-topping return of Chris Brown? By using Halloween to objectify yourselves, you are only adding fuel to the fire.
Slutty firefighter.
I soak my thong in kerosene I give up.
You know me, Marcheeza, I'd never leave something as critical as a Halloween costume to the last minute, but this year I was sincerely stumped.
And then last night, it hit me like Chris Brown.
I returned to my very own dream home, I looked into my oversized gold-framed mirror and thought, it's time Barbie time.
Spread legs.
You make a good point, 'Cheez.
No Barbie would be complete without Ken.
There's a gentleman I've been circling for over a year, and now on the sluttiest of autumn nights, and beneath the bust of my busty ample-busted mentor Joy Behar, I plan to ask George Altman out.
Hey.
I, uh, I got your text saying there was something wrong with the light thingy? Oh, silly me.
Uh, it turns out, it wasn't that light thingy.
It was another thingy altogether.
Well, that's the thing about thingies.
Too true.
That is too, too true.
Will you help me down? As you know, the club's big Halloween bash is tomorrow night, and since I'm going as Barbie, I was hoping that maybe I could convince you to be Ken.
Me, Ken? I don't think I could pull off Ken.
Oh, I think you could.
No, trust me.
I'm not your guy.
Oh.
Well, if you say so.
But I am definitely going to the party, so I've gotta come up with a costume.
I'll see you there? Yeah.
Well, yes, you will.
I gotta run.
Are you sure you don't need help with that thingy? Nope.
As it turns out, there was no thingy at all.
Okay.
It's an opportunity to be whatever you want to be, and what do they want? They want to show ass cleavage.
I just don't understand why girls here are s are so determined to degrade themselves.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Am I right? No.
What? Are are you even listening to me? Not really.
When you start ranting, I tend to start shopping in the craft store of my mind.
Aisle one is bead kits, decorative snaps, wood glue.
Hey! Aisle four has glitter sticks.
There's an express checkout if you have less than 12 items, but I never do.
Lisa, did you just see that? I think someone's been following me.
Hey, what if I just put on a, uh, a blazer and went as Seinfeld? What would be the deal with that? Fresh.
I mean, doorbells what's the deal with those? It's not a door.
It's not a bell.
It is, dad.
It is a bell, and it's on a door.
There's no deal with them.
What's the deal with you? What is the deal with you? I see.
So that's your Halloween costume? Okay.
This is supposed to be me? Ah, okay.
You're supposed to be me.
Ah, okay.
You're supposed to be me.
Ah! Your voice, it's like Kathleen Turner after drinking a milkshake.
You're an idiot.
You're an idiot.
Better already.
Did you know that the Pygmies have their own macrame tradition? Or micro-me, if you will.
I will not.
Did you check out that weird book? No.
I have no idea how this got in here.
Something strange is going on, Lisa.
Somebody was watching me in the bathroom, and now this shows up in my bag.
And what are these weird symbols? Oh, those aren't symbols.
Those are runes Celtic runes.
I may be able to decipher this thanks to a "Lord of the dance" phase I went through freshman year.
Let's just see.
Aah! Satan scrawl! Scrawl of Satan! You give me that that evil screed lest thy hands be burned.
How dare you bring this into my house.
I didn't mean to.
It just kind of showed up in my bag.
Of course it did.
That is exactly how she works.
Who? She whose name must not be spoken.
The witch of East Chatswin.
You know her? Know her? I endured one of life's most twisted and brutal rituals with her.
Middle school.
Back in those days, young ladies didn't open their own pudding cups, but then, the witch was no lady.
While the rest of us girls were learning to bake cinnamon pinwheels in Home Ec The witch took shop.
And when my Holly Homemaker doll went missing, I knew just what diabolical creature was to blame.
Join me, Sheila.
Never, Paula.
Turns out her name can be spoken.
It's it's Paula.
I knew it.
Two minutes in the microwave on the popcorn setting, and not even a singe.
Her evil is more potent than ever.
Mmm.
Oh, 30 seconds to succulence, my sweet.
Get those steaks off the grill, Fred.
Oh.
Mrs.
shay, you haven't burned a book since "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy.
You know, instead of following me around ridiculing me, you could actually help me with the chores.
You could actually help me with the chores.
I like it.
That's good.
See, irritated George goes up in register.
He goes nasal.
This isn't even a good me.
No one's gonna buy it.
Hey, George.
Nice to see you getting the cans out on time.
Now try bringing 'em in before the return of the Messiah.
I have a willful daughter.
I know.
You know what? I need to thank you.
Why? For showing you the man in the mirror? No.
For helping me decide what I'm gonna be for Halloween.
Hello? Halloween day I had a costume to plan, a book report to finish, and apparently a witch on my ass.
It's the only explanation.
She's marked you for human sacrifice on this, the devil's sabbath.
That's the only explanation, huh? I don't know.
She is working pretty hard to contact me.
Kind of flattering.
A little black dress is flattering.
Maybe we don't have the same definition of flattering.
Tessa this is a woman that my mother is scared of.
My mother, the woman who once chased away a Mountain lion with nothing but an arched eyebrow? Aren't you just a little bit curious, though? Curiosity killed the cat.
I shouldn't have to remind you.
But if you won't listen to me let us consult the spirits.
I'm not a huge believ Spirits, will Tessa fall into harm's way if she pays a visit to the witch of east Chatswin? You pushed it.
The spirits work through me.
Deal with it.
Lisa.
Tessa.
Look, I am from Manhattan, okay? I used to ride the subway.
Tessa, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but living in the suburbs has turned you soft.
You've lost your edge.
I mean, the old you may have been able to take on a witch like the witch of East Chatswin, but the new you is safer here, in my trundle bed.
Wouldn't you agree? George's transformation into Noah had begun, and it wasn't gonna be pretty.
Let's do this, bitches.
It was all fun and games until Good-bye, old friend.
W who did this to you? I did this to myself.
But why? Tessa, there are things in life that you do because you have to, not because you want to.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go deep on this bronzer.
If George was brave enough to face his naked face, then I was brave enough to meet the witch of East Chatswin.
You know whose confidence this wouldn't shake? Barbie.
Bitch owns her own home, has mastered many professions, and in some cases, she can regenerate her own ponytail.
Let her be an inspiration to us both, Marcheeza.
Marcheeza! You don't look old! I'm gonna make you proud tonight, Marcheez.
With or without a Ken.
Boys, hands where I can see 'em.
Ladies, they will not buy the cow.
I am talking to you, Pocahontas.
That horn-rimmed look is working for me, Velma.
You like a bossy girl? Do ya? Go get me a couple of pumpkin mini muffins.
Done.
Whoa.
What's what's going on, man? You dressed as Fred? When we said Scooby gang, I just assumed - You assumed what? - I just figured You you figured what? That you would be Shaggy.
Oh, so there it is.
No, now it's on the table.
I I'm Shaggy? I I'm Shaggy, right? What's wrong with Shaggy? Well, you tell me, brother, 'cause I don't see you dressed as Shaggy.
- I see you dressed as Fred.
- Well, because Oh, or maybe you thought I was gonna be Scooby Doo, mother Malik, the gang has a more pressing issue.
Daphne's missing.
You can do this.
You're not soft.
You're the same girl who went to a house party in Brooklyn at the wrong house.
You had to run two blocks from that sketchy dude.
However sketchy the witch is, she couldn't be as sketchy as that sketchy dude.
I stand corrected.
Tessa.
Join us.
Oh, my gosh.
Yes.
Yes.
I'll totally join you.
I can't wait to join you.
I gotta go get my cloak out of my car 'cause I don't want to be the only one cloakless.
What can I get you, sir? Wow.
Great service.
A beer, please.
Right away.
Shall I start a tab? Certainly.
Did not know you did that here.
Hm-hm-hm.
Noah Werner, I presume.
Beer, please.
That'll be $7.
50, including gratuity.
I need the payment up front.
I'm getting very different treatment dressed as you, George.
You don't say.
Ow.
Life is brutal behind the flannel curtain.
Okay, look, just because I don't float through life sockless in nubuck loafers does not mean I'm inferior.
You think I float through life? I've worked hard, damn hard, for everything I've got.
Dental school was no picnic.
Although we did take a lot of meals out of doors.
But that's mainly because the weather is so mild in that part of the Caribbean.
Well, it looks like at least one person doesn't think being me is so inferior.
Are you implying that she's more attracted to me as you than she would be to me as me? Hi.
Hmm.
Looks like she's not feeling it.
Well, I think that she is just repulsed by your sad attempt at me.
Your teeth are the color of oatmeal, your your tan has no depth, - and and this shirt looks like it's made of - hey.
Ow! Ow! Ow, that hurts! So sorry, sir.
We normally try to keep his kind out of here.
Yeah, but they're everywhere, aren't they? There's no way she followed me here.
She she had guests.
They were right in the middle of chanting.
You don't leave chanting guests! Aah! Don't eat me! Don't eat me.
My flesh is fibrous and stringy and you'd have to boil me for hours and hours, and even then Wait.
Eat you? I'm a pesco-vegetarian.
Paula Weingelb.
Not sure what you heard about me, but I'm not a witch.
But I saw your coven standing around your cauldron.
You mean my book club, standing around the pumpkin soup that I made? Mmm.
Warms the bones.
I do it without dairy.
So you're not a witch? Nope.
I'm just a 45-year-old woman who hasn't had any work done and appreciates the drape of a forgiving silhouette.
Yeah.
Did a lot of sun.
We didn't know back then how damaging it was.
Okay.
So then why have you been following me? When I heard you laying down righteous truths on those blonde bots in the crap house the other day, I knew I finally found a kindred spirit, which is why I wanted you to read my book on female empowerment.
The school board banned it years ago, so occasionally I sneak copies into the library and the supply closet.
So you're not a witch? You're just a feminist? In Chatswin, those words mean the same thing.
Well, I will tell you something, Paula.
I definitely know how it feels to be unfairly labeled.
And I am not even dismissing the whole cloak thing.
There she is! The witch! The bitch.
She's back.
Nice entrance, hon.
I counted three dirty looks and at least five death stares.
Now who needs matchy-matchy man candy on their arm? I can inspire just as much jealousy sailing in with a skipper like you.
It's hard work, but it's rewarding.
Okay, you grab a virgin colada while I powder, and then we'll do another lap.
Vodka-cranberry, please.
Just do it.
I have a bladder infection.
Service people, right? Yeah.
Yeah, can't, uh, can't live with 'em, don't know how to park your own car.
Mr.
Altman? You look so better.
Thank you.
I mean, normally you look like the guy who services the security system on Barbie's dream house.
But tonight, you could almost pass for a Ken.
There.
Now you're perfect.
Mommy was super sad when you said you didn't want to be her Ken.
Yeah, but let's be honest.
Who in their right mind wants to dress up like Ken? She wasn't asking you to dress up as Ken.
She was asking you to be her Ken.
Her Ken! Oh.
Her Ken.
As in Barbie's date? I didn't know she felt that way.
George Altman, as I live and breathe.
Look at you, all blond and beardless.
Dallas, listen to me.
Don't be angry with me.
I didn't know what you were asking when you were asking me to be Ken.
Oh, it doesn't matter, George.
It's all behind us.
I'm here with my fun-loving kid sister skipper.
No, listen to me.
We're we're flirty friends.
We've been flirty friends for over a year now.
I didn't know that other thing was on the table.
So are you telling me it's on the table? You tell me.
Is it on the table? 'Cause I put it on the table, and you didn't pull up a chair.
Okay.
Dallas I'd like to go on a date with you.
Would you like to go on a date with me? Why yes, I would.
I thought you'd never ask.
Her Ken! Did somebody give my daughter a drink? How do you explain those spots on her face? She didn't have a beach cloak.
The mark of the devil.
It is a natural, beautiful part of aging.
I am 45.
Look, I think that this is all a big misunderstanding.
Paula's trying to do good.
We should join her.
Join her? Are you gonna do to Tessa what you did to my Holly Homemaker doll? That doll reinforced unhealthy gender stereotypes.
It was a protest.
It was a violation, just like you violated my pudding cup.
I was trying to teach you how to do things for yourself.
And the lick? That lick was my reward.
She won't stop until she's brainwashed all our children.
Get her.
I've never been on this side of a hate mob before.
I kinda get it now.
It's exhilarating.
Oh, witchcraft! Fred, my purse! I'm clutching it, dear.
Oh! Oh, darn it.
She's gone.
She must have turned into a crow and flown back to hell.
Well, that's a wrap.
Better get to steppin'.
Where's everybody going? It's over, Wolfe.
It's over.
I was gonna bludgeon her.
I know you were.
Hmm.
Machine washable.
Man I thought I suffered taking the hair off.
It's way worse coming back in.
Well, now you know what a woman goes through.
Wax it off and suffer the itches or grow it out and suffer the bitches.
The what? The women who judge you for being unconventional.
Oh.
It takes a lot of guts to be a feminist in this town.
Hey, you don't have to tell me.
I consider myself a male feminist, and I got the Mary Chapin Carpenter records to prove it.
Hey, you know who else was probably a feminist? Hmm? Alex, right? My mom? I mean, think about it to walk away from the role that was thrust upon her O okay, nobody thrusted She must have known that she was gonna get judged pretty harshly for doing it.
In a way it was kind of brave.
Mm mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, man.
What's up? Hey.
I was gonna donate these plaid shirts I bought to Goodwill.
Then I thought I'd drive over here, see if you wanted 'em first, for free.
Thanks.
They're so me.
'Sup, red? Look I'm sorry if I got a little carried away with my George impersonation.
I know that Jill wasn't excited when I went as her last year.
Although, I gotta say, I had her down.
Stop touching me.
Get your hands off of me.
That hurts.
Solid Jill.