Suburgatory (2011) s02e05 Episode Script

The Wishbone

Change is a part of life.
It's inevitable.
The trees don't apologize when they change, so why should I? I'm not sure I've ever known the calm I feel when lying in a pile of crisp fall leaves.
It's as though Something crawled down my throat.
Ugh.
Something leggy.
Let's go inside, Lisa.
I don't have any more clarity now than I did before whatever that was crawled down your throat.
I just don't know how George is gonna feel about this.
Tessa, you've spent 16 consecutive thanksgivings tethered to that man's teat.
Just this once your mother, who you've never met, - is flying in from Berlin - Exactly.
And it's really important to my grandmother.
It's too bad we didn't have more of a heads-up.
Could have made a great human interest piece.
I could have reached out to Connie Chung, Hugh Downs God.
I wish Donahue was still in the game.
Phil would have handled this right.
Oh, so I was thinking we do all our Thanksgiving traditions the day before.
We drive into the city, see the floats, all that jazz, then day of, we hit the Royces'.
Cool.
It's gonna be smaller this year.
Just our two families.
That's fine, George.
Whatever you wanna do because I might not be here.
And no costumes this time.
I made Dallas promise.
What sorry? Did you just say you might not be here? Where might you be? So it's like this, okay? Uh, my mother, as it turns out, is flying into New York on Thursday to be with my grandmother for the holidays.
And they were wondering if I might now be at an age where I'm interested in joining them.
I see, and are you at an age where you might be interested in joining them? I am.
Well, that's fantastic.
That's great.
Hey, I you know you know you know you don't have to act like you gotta break it to me gently, or it's something I don't wanna hear.
I'm all for it.
You know, I I think it's great that Alex is finally making an effort.
Burn.
What's that? - I said "burn.
" - Burn? Yeah, it's like you can't resist going after Alex.
"Finally making an effort"? That's an impartial fact.
Unless there were some prior overtures that I wasn't privy to.
Why are you talking like you're on trial for witchcraft? O okay, but for the record, in the city of Salem, I'm not the one that would be on trial! That was a burn.
This year's Thanksgiving is gonna have a Caribbean theme, so I'm gonna need you to use the word "mon" a lot.
For instance, "sorry me mashed potatoes be so clumpy, mon.
" "Clumpy, mon.
" I also don't need to remind you that I'm severely allergic to anything nasty.
So all the food you cook should be good-tasting or not nasty when at all possible.
"Not nasty.
" All right.
Is there anything else before I start shopping? Alan, you're fired! Mommy, he didn't mess up yet.
This isn't performance-related, it's George Altman-related.
Boo got bad news.
Tessa isn't gonna be here for Thanksgiving.
You said bad news.
George is thinking about skipping the holiday altogether.
We need to rally around him, Dalia.
Start our own tradition.
Of firing loyal employees? Alan, hush! We're gonna keep George occupied by cooking our own Thanksgiving meal together.
Well, I guess I'll stop streaming "Cool Runnings" to my phone even though it's already halfway downloaded.
There.
How are those veggies coming, Denzel? I'm grating cheese, actually, but almost done, Mrs.
Shay.
Yeah, you can handle whatever I throw at ya.
Hey, how 'bout some tunes? Yeah.
Whoo! Whoo! Hey, some people are trying to shuck here.
This is like "The big chill.
" Just stop.
Malik, I am just gonna come right out and ask you.
Will you share Thanksgiving dinner with our family? - Mother.
- Well, look at his pile! He's the T.
I.
of green beans! No, she's right.
He is.
He's earned it.
He's earned a place at our table.
Well, I am sure that Malik would love to join us.
But sadly, he'll be eating dinner with his own family.
Actually, my family eats really early, so I could probably make it to both dinners.
Well, that's fantastic, Malik.
Then it's settled.
Guess who's coming to dinner, Lisa?! Alex better not foul this up, - you know? - I couldn't agree more.
Her pass rush killed Tebow last year.
- Alex's did? - Wha yep.
- You're listening to me, are you? - I'm see, in my What I meant to say was Alex.
Okay.
In my mind, Alex is Michael Vick.
What? She screwed up.
Things got ugly.
Dogs died.
No one's saying they didn't.
But he was given a second chance, and he proved himself.
In fact, he went on to have his best year ever.
So if you open the door for Alex, you know Who knows? Alex is Michael Vick? Alex is Michael Vick.
No wonder things didn't work out between us.
Happy Thanksgiving! - George! - Oh, hey, baby.
- Hi! - Hi.
Mmm.
Noah.
Gobble gobble, Dallas! Oh, yes, absolutely.
Gobble gobble to you and yours.
Is she here? Who, Jill? My better half? No, she's still away on her book tour.
I meant Carmen, my better half and former housekeeper that you stole.
Oh, Carmen.
Right.
No, she took the baby to see a witch doctor in Yonkers.
She's convinced he's possessed.
Me, I don't see it.
And Jenna? Oh, she went home with a brown friend.
A friend from Brown.
Some Chinese kid.
Wow.
So we have you all to ourselves.
Lucky, lucky us.
All right, guys.
Uh, hey, thank you for being here.
It means a lot.
Ready to start cooking? Mommy, here's the wardrobe.
Dalia! This is a little risque for Thanksgiving, isn't it? Look! They're all backless.
Uh-oh.
Naughty.
As I rode the elevator up to the ninth floor of my grandmother's apartment building, I thought about it the girl who'd never met her mother was about to be no more.
It was weird.
Not knowing her was part of my identity, almost.
And now all of that was about to change.
She's coming.
I I swear she's coming.
I'm just having a hard time getting a hold of her.
Wishbone.
I call the wishbone, dad.
- You're not listening to me, mother.
- Wishbone, you guys.
Wishbone.
I called it.
I don't understand what the problem is.
Malik and I are completely Kool & The Gang.
That is the problem, is that you're trying too hard to be down.
You know, most girls want their mothers to like their boyfriends.
When we went out for pizza last week, you told him that he was the keenen ivory Wayans of opening car doors.
And I completely stand by that! He is! When your father opens a car door, his butt be all tight No, she's right.
That's how I do it, like my father before me.
That must be Malik.
Well, Lisa, answer the door.
Don't tell me what to do.
I'll get it.
Thank you.
How's it going, man? I'm sorry I'm all grubby, Mrs.
Shay.
Me and my family just got done playing touch football, and I didn't want to be late, so I rushed over here.
I brought dress clothes for dinner, though.
Honestly, Malik, I don't give a rat's ass what you wear to the table.
That better? Did I do something to make your mom mad? No.
I did.
- Gobble gobble, George.
- Hey, guys.
As people who have been exiled by our own families just for loving each other, we're honored to be invited guests - to your yeah, yeah.
- Alan, kitchen, please? Okay.
Listen I am a little overwhelmed here.
Cooking dinner with Dallas is a lot like cooking by yourself.
Ow.
And the last thing I wanted to do was cook a Thanksgiving dinner.
Funny.
The only thing I wanted to do was cook a Thanksgiving dinner until, uh, your depression got in the way.
Well, help a depressed guy out, then.
I got a couple questions for ya.
Number one whoa.
I was late getting the bird in the oven, didn't get to brine it.
Will those little turkey hairs cook off on their own? - Turkey hairs? - Number two, the potatoes are too salty.
This much I know.
How do I counter the effect? More potatoes? Water? Butter? Milk? Baking soda.
Baking soda! Wake up, dreamer.
- What? - I thought I was here as guest Alan.
But it's obvious you only see me as Chef Alan.
If you're looking for my professional opinion, it's gonna cost you.
Oh, really? Okay, how how much to tell me what to do with these potatoes? - $8 - 8 bucks? Are you crazy? I'm a working man.
Besides, I can already tell from the way your eyes lit up that the correct answer is water.
Huh? Am I right? Those are garbage.
I wouldn't ask for another Please don't feel uncomfortable.
You'll notice my eyes are locked on yours.
I see that.
I would also like to assure you that I am very comfortable with the human form.
I once took a life drawing class where we sketched nude models, one of whom happened to be Armenian.
And I want you to know that I have a female pediatrician who's about your age and also white, so I'm completely comfortable.
I once worked as a counselor at a summer camp where I had to perform biweekly tick checks, and I can assure you I was quite thorough.
I saw everything.
- I was born naked.
- Terrific.
And I think we've navigated this quite nicely.
I'd, uh, offer you desert, but Alex was supposed to bring it.
I have a fruit leather in my purse.
I was gonna save it for my doctor's appointment tomorrow, but you can have it if you like.
What flavor? Uh, I believe it's apricot.
No, thanks.
Uh, I think I'm just gonna head home.
I I I don't know what to say, Tessa.
I'm just so disappointed in Alex.
And embarrassed, quite frankly.
I can't imagine what's going through her head.
It's okay.
Maybe it wasn't meant to be.
Anyway, dinner was great.
Oh.
Oh! I can only imagine what your father's gonna say when he hears Alex didn't show up.
Well, he's not gonna hear it from me 'cause I'm in no mood to hear it from him.
- Bye, sweetie.
Careful.
- Thanks.
She didn't show up.
My mom didn't show up.
I had no idea where she was or what country she was in, but at this point, it didn't even matter.
George.
Alex.
You must be Tessa.
Hi.
Wow.
She's beautiful.
Thank you.
She's in New York with Helen, Alex.
They were both expecting you.
No, that can't be right.
Yes, it's right.
No, I got a fax from my mom that said Tessa was here in Chatswin, and then my flight got delayed, and so I just came straight here.
Who faxes?! I don't have a cell phone, okay? Okay.
Oh.
Hi, group of people I don't know, standing in a semicircle, judging me.
Hi.
Alex, we actually do know each other.
Noah Warner.
I met and judged you years ago.
Ugh! How can I be so stupid? Everything I touch turns to garbage! - Sweetie, it can't be that bad.
- Unbelievable.
- That sucks.
- Oh.
George, can I talk to you for a minute? George, I can't believe you're being so cold.
That poor woman is obviously sorry about her mistake.
And look at her.
She's beside herself.
Dallas, trust me, you can't get sucked in.
This this is what Alex does.
She's irresponsible.
She hurts other people, and and then and then she acts like she's the victim.
In the end, you're so busy comforting her that you forget that she is the one that screwed up.
She's the one that caused it.
Do you underst Well, don't you feel just a little bit sorry for her? It had to be hard for her to show up here.
Hard for her? Dallas, Tessa showed up in New York expecting to meet her mother, okay? That's who I feel sorry for my kid.
Alex is not my kid.
She was supposed to be the mother of my kid.
I gotta call Tessa.
I'm sorry about the wishbone, dad.
I just really need it for something important - I'm trying to do this year.
- Mm? I want to make love to our neighbor.
Paul Biederman? Dessert already? Have you had your fill, mother, or would you care for some more dark meat? Okay, Lisa let's have out with it so these boys can eat my pie in peace.
Yeah, let's have out with it! Fred, Ryan, I saw Malik naked.
Big whoop! It was no big deal.
Well, it wasn't a small deal.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
I went in to put some fresh towels in the bathroom, and he was getting out of the shower.
It was an accidental sighting, and Malik knows that.
Oh, come on.
Malik was born naked.
Okay, well, it might not be a big deal to anybody else at this table Well, it wasn't a small ding-a-ling! Okay, this is a deal-breaker.
You hear me? - A deal-breaker! - Wait, Lisa, hold on.
- No, no.
- Stop.
Well, I suppose it isn't Thanksgiving at the Shays' until someone shows off their naked body.
What?! In some ways, I was relieved.
Maybe the whole change thing is overrated.
I was still the girl who hadn't met her mother, and there was comfort in that.
She's a real hard worker.
In fact, for as long as I've been dealing, none of my employees have ever pushed the amount of crystal rock she has.
Tessa's very much like a man.
She dresses like a man, but she's smaller than a man.
She's like a man trapped in a small boy's body.
There he is now.
Hey, everyone.
Dallas.
Dalia.
Noah.
Mr.
Wolfe.
- You must be Alex.
- Yeah.
This exactly how I imagined us always meeting, in a roomful of people we're not related to.
The only person missing is Chef Alan.
Oh, I'm here, Tessa.
Oh.
Of course.
Terrific.
I'm gonna be in my room.
She saluted? Why did she salute? Honestly, I don't know.
And she hasn't been part of the military at any point? What? No.
No.
She probably felt awkward.
Well, it was awkward.
You know, I should probably just go.
I'll call you a cab.
Wait, no, George, no.
This is a make-or-break moment for Tessa.
Alex needs to get up there and make this right.
If it doesn't happen now, it may never happen.
She's right.
Alex, Tessa needs you, so you need to find a way to reach her.
Take her this.
It's it's her favorite.
George I didn't make it.
Um, hello! It's kind of hard to have a conversation - with the back of your head.
- There's nothing to discuss.
Lisa! Look at me.
Every time I look at you, - all I see is my mother seeing you naked.
- That doesn't make any sense.
You've gone further with my mother than I have gone with you.
Well, what do you want me to do? I want you to leave me alone.
Really? You're you're gonna blame me for something that wasn't my fault? - It was an accident! - Maybe we were the accident.
You know, maybe we were.
You're really immature, you know that? You want me to hate your mom? Sorry, I don't.
Grow up.
So I guess we're breaking up?! I like your room.
Thanks.
Ooh.
Average Shelf Life, huh? Pretty solid band.
I mean, their sophomore album wasn't as strong as their debut, but that pretty much happens to everyone, right? Yeah.
They tried to go electronic on this one track, and it totally didn't work.
Yeah.
Oh I'm really jet-lagged.
I feel like I'm in a dream or something.
You can lay on my bed if you want.
Nah, I prefer the floor.
It grounds you.
You should try it.
I do it all the time, no matter where I am.
Even public bathrooms? No, not anymore.
That's how you get ringworm.
I'm really sorry for the mix-up today.
It's okay.
I thought you'd changed your mind.
Changed my mind? Tessa, I never meant for things to go the way they did, you know? And there's not a day that goes by - when I don't think about you - We don't really need to talk about this right now.
Okay.
You know, I'm kind of surprised that the kids here are listening to Average Shelf Life.
It doesn't really seem like an "A.
S.
L.
" town, you know? It's not.
But they've always been my favorite band.
Ever since I saw them perform at the How messed up would that be if I actually fell asleep right then? Is it tough for you, fitting in here? Yeah.
Sometimes the big moments you picture in your mind don't turn out the way you think they will.
But if you unexpectedly get a second chance to make things right, you should probably take it.
Hey.
Everything Kajagoogoo up there? What? Everything was fine, if that's what you're asking.
Yeah.
She kept pretending to fall asleep, and then she actually fell asleep.
We got to talk a bunch, though.
She seems pretty cool.
Is it okay if she stays over? I just don't want to wake her up to tell her to leave.
She'll get going in the morning.
Yeah, fine.
That's fine.
Thanks Dad, for, like letting all this happen.
You don't have to thank me.
I'm not gonna be an obstacle in this.
You'll see.
All I ever want is for you to be happy.
I'm happy.
Good.
Good.
Really happy.
Holy crap! Did you cook this? This is stupid good! I cooked exactly none of that.
Chef Alan practically made everything.
And charged me through the nose for it.
In that case, I'm gonna have to make a plate.
Yeah, me, too.
I think I'll join you.
I was so stressed out tonight, I barely had a bite.
Let me try this.
Stupid good.
- You want some turkey? - Yeah.