Suburgatory (2011) s02e06 Episode Script

Friendship Fish

We're in a perpetual state of transformation, a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, thanks to a biological process known as metamorphosis.
And George was in the middle of a transformation of his own thanks to a biological process known as dating Dallas royce.
Oh, George, look at you, emerging from that dressing room like some kind of beautiful butterfly.
You know, I never thought I could pull the whole shoulder-draping sweater thing off, but I do.
I pull it off.
And by moving the plaid from up top to down low, you're creating visual intrigue near your quads.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
That's - I love it.
- Really, George? 'Cause I don't want you to say you like something just 'cause I like it.
I want you to be happy.
I I am happy.
I'm happy because you're happy.
He is my snipes in shining armor, y'all.
George and Dallas' relationship was on cruise control But Lisa and Malik's had flipped over the divider into oncoming traffic and caused a 4-car pileup.
Their breakup was messy.
Lisa You're looking well.
You you going to French? Whether I'm headed to French or into another man's arms is none of your business.
My class schedule and personal whereabouts are no longer your concern.
So I guess you don't wanna talk about getting back together? The only thing I wanna talk about is the safe return of the scrunchies I left in your mother's car.
There was a cheetah print.
A cheetah print? A messy breakup posed no threat to my relationship, luckily.
My tablet and I were still in the honeymoon stage, and let me tell you, the two of us were made for each other.
My tablet made me laugh Made me cry.
And the two of us we didn't play games with each other, unless you count "Frogger.
" Hey, Sheila.
Excuse me? Do I look like a Sheila to you? Well, yeah, you do, kinda.
Really? Is it the garden clogs? It's the garden clogs, isn't it? Or the sun hat.
Okay, but let me tell you something.
There is not an anti-aging cream on the market that does what a wide-brimmed sun hat can do.
You take heed, Tessa.
Your skin is awfully fair.
- Okay.
I'll take heed, George.
- Mm-hmm.
Can I have that back, please? Thank you.
Now if you need me, I will be spending my weekend in bed with a scary old man.
Edgar Allan Poe.
You know, you could've just said you were gonna go read.
Howdy.
Jx5213.
Jx5213.
Jx5213.
What can I do for you? Jx5213.
Can I help you with something? Jx5213.
Okay.
You looking to get wet today, son? You pulled down the wrong cul-de-sac, girl.
What you got? What you got? I got I got two kids! George.
Theo.
Cyrus.
Hey there, Georgie.
George.
That was priceless, buddy.
You ran like a scared little rabbit.
I thought you were gonna slip and fall on your trowel there.
Okay, well, that that that's a pruning snip - Mm.
- So joke's on you.
What the heck you guys doing in Chatswin? We're putting in a bid for that big job up in Scarsdale.
They're adding a concert hall to that performing arts building they put up there.
Yeah.
Gonna be a huge job, Georgie, just a huge job.
That sounds huge.
No, it is, George.
It's huge.
Anyway, Theo remembered that you moved to Chatswin, and, uh, since we were so close, we decided to look you up.
Oh.
Honestly, I hardly recognized you, George.
You're looking very suburban, bro.
Yoo-hoo! George! Yoo-hoo! Why don't we head inside and crack open a cold one, huh? We're twins today, George! Twinsies! Well, I might expect the cold shoulder from other people, but I did not see that coming from my twinsie.
Estoy ocupada, Jorge.
Tessa? I I'm sorry.
I don't speak Spanish.
Are you in there? Hey, Lisa.
Hey there, B.
F.
F.
Is this a B.
T.
F.
Y.
? Bad time for you? Uh, no.
I was just enjoying some alone time alone.
Great.
Since I'm now a totally independent woman who doesn't rely on a man for emotional stability, I thought I'd fill every second of my newfound freedom by spending time with you.
Girl time.
What's with the trunk? Oh, this is my sleepover trunk.
It has all of my sleepover essentials.
Go ahead.
Pop the hood.
Yes.
Scrapbooking supplies, airbrushing supplies, tie-dying supplies.
What is - This? - Oh, that, my friend, is what I like to call the piece de re-fish-tance.
A dead fish? A dead friendship fish.
Oh, I see.
And is that a freshwater I caught it for us, Tessa, in Friendship Lake, while I was at macrame camp this summer.
Local camp legend says that if two people partake in the same friendship fish, then they'll be friends forever.
What do you mean by "partake"? Aha! It's your lucky day, gents! I didn't want to make any promises I couldn't keep, but ta-da! Diet grapefruit spritzers.
Truth is, just as refreshing as regular spritzers, zero calories.
Forget it.
No-brainer.
Mmm! It's lively.
So, George, what have you been up to since you left the firm? You know, other than taking care of your two kids.
Uh, well, a actually, it's it's just the one.
I thought you guys were gonna kill me and that you'd be more sympathetic if I had two kids.
You know, "I've got two kids!" Could you shoot? I I couldn't.
Anyway, what have I been up to? Uh Oh.
Installed a handful of, uh, skylights around town.
Installed the hell out of 'em.
In fact it's kinda funny people around here, uh, started calling me the skylight king.
That's not funny.
- Hmm? - I'd kick someone's ass if they called me that.
Yeah.
No, I did.
I kicked everybody's asses, then I went off and did some other nonskylight related things.
Would you mind? Okay, I am bugging out right now, George.
You're like a different person.
Suburban life has really domesticated you.
I mean, it's like he's a real housewife of Chatswin county.
Don't be silly.
Chatswin's not a county.
Look, there might be some surface differences between New York George and Chatswin George, but down deep inside, I am the same old guy.
Oh, come on! These are slice and bake, just like any tough guy from New York would make.
Whew.
Uh, wow.
Speaking of that, man you know what? We gotta hit the road.
Yeah, we got that, uh Okay.
Hey.
Come on.
G guys, all right, you know what? Screw these scrumptious, flaky, piping hot pastries.
Let's go grab some real grub, huh? Some burgers and gin and some kind of real edgy dessert.
You know, some kinda chocolate volcano just goes straight to your taste buds and While George was trying to rekindle an old friendship, my B.
F.
F.
was demanding my undivided attention.
Are you sure this is fit for consumption? Fit for consumption? It's been smoking for the past month in my closet.
I borrowed my dad's electric smoker.
He bought it from an in-flight magazine.
Um, before we dig in, maybe we should, um work up an appetite first.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I doubt it.
What she was thinking was two and half hours of arts and crafts that started with airbrushing t-shirts and ended with watermelon helmets.
The evening couldn't get any worse.
Okay, now you want to sing "Friends" by Bette Midler or "One True Friend" by Bette Midler? Uh, you know what, Lisa? I'm actually feeling kind of tired.
I mean, what time is it? It's already You're low blood sugar, which means it's time for the you-know-what.
Ye old fish of friends.
- Doesn't it look delicious? - Hmm Actually, you know what? You deserve the first bite.
In fact, I'll just feed it to you.
Doorbell! You know, when I first moved here, it was hard, I'll admit.
Coming from Manhattan, it was total culture shock, you know? I'll bet.
But I've actually met some pretty genuine people here.
Hey, Georgie boy, what's the skinny? What is happening-a-ling-a-ding-dong? What what's going on? What is this? Well, we heard your New York friends were in town, so we thought we would bada bing and that we would fuhgeddaboudit! Do you do you know these clowns? Uh, yes.
Actually, this is my neighbor Fred.
Vinnie Boombatz, but folks around here call me "Cha-Cha" on account of me being the best dancer in Chatswin.
Dig? - Pardon us.
- Mm.
Guys? What what has gotten into you two? Look, we just wanted to show your friends how cool us Chatswinelenos could be, and for some reason, Fred thought that meant dressing up like a 1950s greaser.
I'll have you know that Vinnie Boombatz was a hit at last year's "Grease" -themed fund-raiser for cystic fibrosis.
We just didn't want you to be embarrassed of us, George.
I'm I'm sorry.
You did or you didn't want me to be embarrassed? Didn't.
Didn't.
I Yikes.
Dude, I know you're counting down the days until Tessa turns 18.
I mean, once she leaves, you ain't got nothing keeping you here with Vinnie Boombatz.
Ayy! Well, a actually, I think - I mean, the burgers are okay - Mm.
But this place is full of phonies.
Fake nose, fake boobs, fake tan, fake hair No, I know.
Tell me about it.
- And all on one chick.
- Yeah.
Oh.
That chick.
Oh! Well, hiya, hunk.
Hi.
Mm.
Guys, this is Dallas, my girlfriend.
- Dallas, this is Theo and Cyrus.
- Hi.
We used to work together.
Hey.
It's just super, super-duper, meeting some of George's New York friends.
In fact, this might be a double duper, which would make it super-super-duper-duper.
Yeah.
Well, okay, sweetheart, um, I'm a little worried they're gonna run out of the chocolate volcanoes.
- Would you - Ooh! Good call.
I'm on it, cuz.
Manhattan I love it.
Well, she is just super, George.
Mm.
No.
No.
Super-duper.
Okay, so you guys are kidding, but she is.
I don't get it.
Are are you dating her, like, ironically or No.
Or or are you writing some kind of a long-form humor essay? Okay, look, you can make fun of my Crescent rolls a and my gardening implements and even Vinnie Boombatz - Ayy! - But that woman is warm, and she is kind, and she will do anything for the people she cares about.
You guys have been in Chatswin, what, all of three hours? And and you have everyone here pegged.
You know what? Why don't you just head back to midtown, where you came from? Well, good luck with everything, skylight king.
And, hey, if we need a sellout to, uh, put in a roof window, we'll give you a call.
Oh, really? R a roof window? Yeah, because that's all they are.
Boom.
Oh! Wow! As far as I am concerned, nobody exaggerates and distorts the essence of any person, animal, or object quite like old Charlie here.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Oh, perfect, because I actually wanted Charlie to do a couple of candid shots, like maybe I could be in the background, shaving my legs.
No.
Lisa, this is something that I have to do alone.
Uh, hello, Mrs.
Shay.
This is Fire Inspector Charmin.
Well, we have received a report about a possible safety hazard.
I'm so sorry, Tessa.
I know how much this night meant to you! Part of me felt bad for ratting out Lisa Come here, sexy.
But most of me just wanted to get back to the main man in my life.
Those guys don't take me seriously.
Oop.
Sorry, baby.
I got chocolate sauce on your head.
Let me tell you something.
I went to college with Theo.
I'm twice the architect he is, and Cyrus is, like, the least creative dude I know.
Then why don't you just out-whatever those losers on whatever it is they're whatever-ing? What do you mean? Undercut their bid on the Scarsdale performing arts center addition by presenting something more cost-effective but equally striking aesthetically? Yeah, George.
That's what I said.
Tessa.
Hello? Tessa.
Friendship, Tessa.
I gave my life for it, and you threw it back! Aah! Aah! At that moment, I realized two things one my relationship with electronics was overshadowing my relationship with Lisa.
And two I was reading way too much Poe.
You know, George I'm no expert on the subject, but from where I stand, you are architecturing the hell out of those designs.
Oh.
Just triple the number of ladies' rooms, and you've got yourself a winner.
The next morning, I decided to take the fish's advice And make things right with Lisa.
I'm not home.
Hey.
What is with the outfit? Got sentenced to roadside cleanup after my mom found out about the unlicensed smoker in my closet.
About that I'm sorry.
Oh, it's not your fault.
If Fire Inspector Charmin hadn't been so damn good at his job No, that's me.
I'm Fire Inspector Charmin.
I'm the one who ratted you out.
I'm so sorry, Lisa.
I just didn't want to sing any more Bette Midler songs.
What? I don't understand.
The divine Miss M.
Has cornered the market on songs about friendship.
Ask anybody who's ever had a friend.
Look, Lisa, ever since you and Malik hooked up, you and I have been spending a lot less time together, and I'm not mad.
I'm not mad, but I adapted.
I started my own relationship.
You got a lot of nerve showing up here with that e-reader.
It's a tablet, Lisa.
A really versatile tablet, with a full-sized U.
S.
B.
port and an integrated kickstand, and a really sizable hard drive.
I get it.
I mean, it was there for you when I wasn't, and unlike me, it doesn't just show up when its boyfriend is out of town.
I'm really happy for you guys.
You look really cute together.
So if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up tampon applicators in the park.
Lisa, wait.
There is one thing this tablet can't do.
Pick up tampon applicators in the park? Okay, two things.
It can't eat friendship fish with its best friend.
Well, not this generation, anyway.
Friends forever.
Friends forever.
Wow.
That is smoky.
Mmm! That is super smoky.
Mm-hmm.
But not bad.
You can taste the friendship.
Let's go! Let's go! What did this to you? What what did you ingest? Friendship.
Tessa, I'm so sorry.
Apparently, you're only supposed to smoke fish for four hours, not four weeks.
It was an innocent mistake, Lisa.
Why didn't you get sick? Oh, we Shays have iron stomachs.
It's our bodies' way of compensating for our diminished sense of taste.
We still can't get a hold of your dad, and unfortunately, we won't be able to release you until a family member signs your discharge papers.
You're sure there's no one else we can call? And finally, a columned subsidiary space alongside the body of the main building would lead from the atrium to the concert hall.
Well done, Mr.
Altman.
You've really opened up the space with your use of skylights.
And I, for one, appreciate the abundance of ladies' rooms.
Oh, thank you.
That that happens to be my beautiful associate's idea.
Along with the bedazzled borders.
It's amazing how some glue and a few crappy plastic beads can really class up any project.
- Oh, it's true.
It's true.
- Mm.
Oh, shoot.
Tessa? Hey.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay? I didn't get your messages.
Are you okay? What happened? Are you okay? For the love of God, would you tell me if you're okay? I'm okay, George.
Okay.
I just had a mild deadly case of food poisoning.
Ohh.
I don't believe this.
I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.
How'd you get home? Sheila? Well, actually, they wouldn't release me without a family member's consent, so Helen.
Yes, George.
Oh, happy to help out.
When the hospital couldn't reach you, Tessa got a little frantic, and so she called her grandmother.
Well, that's great.
So thanks.
You don't have to do that.
I got it from here, Helen.
Oh, you might as well get used to me being around again, George, because this time, I'm not going anywhere.
Great.
When you're in danger of losing someone you care about, often, you'll do anything to re-establish a connection.
For Malik, that meant sculpting a bust of Lisa's head One for every day they weren't together.
For George, it meant focusing less on work and more on breakfast.
Good-bye.
So you got the bid.
- Nope.
- Oh.
Sorry.
Ah, it's fine.
Considering how little time I had, I think I did a pretty great job.
It just felt good, you know, to get the creative juices flowing again.
And more importantly, Theo and Cyrus didn't get it either, so their failure is victory enough for me.
- That's the spirit.
- Mm-hmm.
Honestly, though, Tess, I'm not the same person I was.
There was a time when I was completely driven professionally.
But now I guess I have other priorities.
Besides, if I was out competing for every job on the market, I wouldn't have time to make you my famous sizzling chorizo scrambler.
Seriously, you want? Fish frittata? You're mean.
What? Hair of the dog that's a thing.
Oh, fried gizzard sandwich? Ugh! Egg drop soup, extra droppings.
Yeah? One of those.