Suburgatory (2011) s02e07 Episode Script

Krampus

In suburbia, the minute Thanksgiving is over, they're already fiending for Christmas.
Oh, Tessa! Any interest in going caroling tonight? It's November.
And by the time the first frost had coated the larch, even the sanest of Chatswinians were prematurely gifting.
Uh-oh.
Looks like somebody's stocking was hung, over the chimney with care.
Dad, it's not Christmas.
It's almost Christmas.
Besides, there might be something in there that you have to open right away.
What? George, what is this? It's your itinerary.
I know you want to spend time in Manhattan, and I know you want to get to know your mom.
So I got the two of you a package hotel, spa services.
You guys can go to the museum, see the tree, just spend Christmas in the city, hanging out together.
But what about you? What about me? I'll I'll roll with yakult.
Did I nail it? You nailed it.
While my definition of family was suddenly expanding, Ryan Shay's was about to be blown to smithereens.
Family photo came out real sweet.
Everyone's looking real sweet.
- Oh, wow, look.
- Yeah.
And I just wanna say, well, I I just think it's so darn cool that, you know, you're as close to them as you are.
I had to be close, or I wouldn't fit in the picture.
Just love your whole attitude.
I love that you don't act like you're you know.
Better-looking than everyone else? No, silly.
Like one of us.
Homosexual? No.
I'm adopted, too, you know.
I'm not adopted.
Yes, you are.
And I just think it's great how you embraced your family.
I never did.
I always hated those big, ugly strangers.
I'm adopted? Yeah.
Like, adopted adopted? Mm-hmm.
- Like, adopted? - That's right.
This Bless your adopted heart.
I'm adopted.
- I'm adopted.
Adopted? - Yeah.
Adopted? Adopted, I'm adopted? Mm-hmm.
I'm adopted? I'm adopted?! Adopted? Adopted? I'm adopted, huh? I'm adopted?! I'm adopted?! Huh?! I think he knows he's adopted.
You think, Fred?! - Aah! Ryan! - I'm adopted?! Ryan, no! Ryan, no! Huh?! Ryan Son, we love you! - Ryan? Ryan? - I always loved you! Ryan?! Ryan?! - Aah! Liar! - We'll talk about this - Lying letterman liar! - I don't understand.
Aah! Somebody told him? Lying long-sleeved shirt! - What are you doing? - He's transforming! - Lying Lisa!- Honey, you're gonna catch cold.
- Lying Lisa! Lying Lisa the liar!- I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! You liar! You liar! Liar! I'm so sorry! - I love you.
- We love you, son! - He just needs time to cool off! - He's trying to gut us! Drive the car, Fred! Please! Just go! - Okay! Okay! Okay! - Just drive the car! Hey! Yeah, drive off, you fake, lying liars! If my family's not really my family, and I'm not really a Shay, then what's real?! Is this real?! Ooh! Ow! That seems real! Is this real? Ow! Oh! That seems really real, too! Maybe this garbage isn't really garbage! Aah! No, it is! I guess I'm the only thing that isn't real! I'm unreal! Aah! What's wrong, skank? Why is your list blank? I thought you wanted rims.
I did.
But ever since my nanny left, rims don't seem important anymore.
But they are important.
They make your ride hella fresh and let all the fools know how you roll.
But they don't mean as much to me as Carmen does.
Well, maybe you could ask Santa for a housekeeper.
Or is that racial? You know what? I don't care if it is racial.
Christmas morning, I want to wake up and see Carmen under my tree with a big red bow on her head.
Santa is a really cool person, and he has a lot of really great connections.
But somehow, I just I don't think that he's gonna be able to bring Carmen back.
Then screw Santa.
I'll get Carmen back on my own.
I'll do like yeezy did keezy.
I'll write a song about Carmen, then I'll shoot a music video, then I'll put it on YouTube, then I'll hire a publicist, then I'll make it go viral, then I'll send Carmen a link, then I'll make all the comments say things like, "wow, that girl really loves Carmen.
" And "wow, Carmen should really go back to that girl who loves her.
" That might actually work.
Ay, que muchachito! Ay, mi guapo! What did he say? He said "I love you, mommy.
I am so glad you're back from your book tour.
" No, I think we should consider a speech therapist.
I'm finding it very difficult to understand him.
She can't understand him because he's an infant.
An infant with a thick Mexican accent.
Maybe she should stay home and raise him herself in English.
I beg your pardon.
Have you ever written a body of work that you were exceptionally proud of? Darling, Carmen has a very important job.
She is caring for our baby.
Why do you defend her when she so clearly judges me? Admit it, Carmen, you judge me.
I do, because you care more about your books than your son.
Carmen, don't you see? I want the baby to love me as a mommy, but I need him to respect me as an author.
I saw that.
Was that a look? It's gonna be a long Christmas, guapo.
Ryan's adopted? He wasn't supposed to know! Ryan never would have found out he was adopted if that photographer hadn't kept shoving his powdered balls in my face! Care for another rum ball, Lisa? They do dull the pain.
Did you ever notice how Ryan well he lights himself.
It's like he has his own inner light.
Well, that's 'cause Ryan isn't really a Shay.
You don't Shay? And now it's almost Christmas.
I don't think he's coming home.
You don't happen to have any rum balls, do you? I've got the shakes.
I offered to cancel my trip to New York.
But Lisa said there was no reason for both of our families to suffer.
First Thanksgiving, now Christmas.
You hate spending the holidays with me.
Mm.
You gonna cry, little baby? You know what? Wait until you get old and feel stuff.
Okay.
Here she is.
Here's your mom.
This was super cool of you, dad.
Well, I'm a super cool dad.
Excuse me.
Hug, perhaps? Sorry.
Thanks.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Oh! I forgot.
Oh, really? Thank you.
I promise not to open this It's a pen.
George.
Hey.
Listen, um, I just wanna say thanks.
I know this can't be easy, and I'm sure part of you just wants to rip my face off and stuff it down a garbage disposal and scream, "stay away from us, you human wart!" But, you know, it really doesn't show, which is great.
Which means you're probably exercising tons of self control, or you're making room for me.
Either, way, I I just wanted to say that I'm grateful.
Well, merry Christmas, Alex.
Well, merry Christmas, George.
Hey, George you can see your breath.
And drive drive safely, please.
I will.
I will.
Damn it, Alex, drive safely.
I washed my silk shirt silk shirt that hurt that hurt the tag said to dry clean it but without you, I didn't read it read it all of the sheets on my bed are stained red stained red 'cause I went to sleep with lipstick and you weren't there to fix it you clean the house so spick-and-span you cleaned everything a cleaning lady can but I won't throw out your plastic cart 'Cause you missed a spot in my heart, heart, heart, heart, heart heart, heart, heart, heart, heart heart, heart, heart, heart, heart, heart in my heart, heart, heart, heart, heart heart, heart, heart, heart, heart heart, heart, heart, heart, heart, heart wan'er, to the bridge Carmen straight up blind she cannot see that spoiled white girl thinks you the bee's knees the first-class cabin holds me last in their heart wouldn't look my way if I didn't push a drink cart Hot tea with larmon? No, I want Carmen.
Heart, heart, heart, heart in my heart Carmen.
Carmen.
Carmen.
Carmen.
Heart, heart, heart, heart, heart, heart in my heart Carmen.
Carmen.
Carmen.
Carmen.
You mean y'all learned all that complicated choreography just to try to win Carmen back? Yes, mommy.
She's all I want for Christmas.
George, we have to.
It's the only thing on Dalia's list.
I I know this isn't what you wanna hear, but she's gone, okay? Carmen has made up her mind.
But people change their minds sometimes, don't they, daddy Altman? Christmas is such a crock anyway.
I mean, if you think about it, it's entirely about consumerism.
And they pressure people who don't have the money to spend the money, which is exactly why December has the highest suicide rate.
Sorry.
I was on a rant.
No, no.
It's just you sound like me, or I guess I I sound like you.
I just never realized how I sounded.
Oh.
The holidays are a great excuse to bring people together, right? Yeah.
Totally.
I mean, Tessa, this is the best present I ever could have hoped for, if I advocated exchanging presents, which I don't, but I want to give you something that I did not get at a department store.
It's a hug.
Can I give you a hug? Can I hug you? Sure.
Okay.
Great.
Um - Oh.
Guess I gotta get over there.
- Maybe it's easier.
Ooh.
How's the pressure? It's fine.
Hey, ma, it sure is nice having you and Alice here for the holidays.
- Oh, it is, honey.
- Yeah.
It's nice, isn't it, Malik? Malik, your mother's talking to you.
He's been this way ever since he broke up with his little girlfriend.
Malik has a girlfriend? Had.
Oh! So now you can hear us.
Look at that! There's a white child running down the side of the road.
He isn't wearing a shirt.
He'll freeze.
I don't like the look of him.
- He looks wild.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Ho hold on.
Stop stop the car.
- I I know him.
- You sure? Malik.
Malik.
Malik.
Malik, where you going? Malik? Ryan? Huh? 'Sup, buddy? What's what's up, man? Y you you okay? Come here.
Look what I got here.
Look, look.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See that? That's for you.
It's a lemon starburst.
Good boy.
Come on.
Come on.
Pop the trunk! You're safe now, okay? Good boy.
We're almost home.
You're safe now, okay? Did you just put a human being in our trunk? One popular misconception is that the shiraz grape originated in southwestern Iran.
Carmen, please starch the baby's Christmas gown.
Yes, master.
Did you hear that? She called me "master.
" Sarcastically.
Noah, I suggest you tell Carmen to watch it.
How dare you threaten me! Tell her not to threaten me.
Yeah, Jill, don't threaten Carmen.
Don't take her side.
Yes, master.
Hi.
That was I was kidding.
I was trying to lighten the mood.
Master.
And in Germany, they have this creature called Krampus, and he's like this big, hairy monster that comes and carries away all the bad kids in his sack.
He's like Santa, except evil.
And what's Krampus do with these children he collects? I think he eats them.
Seems like it would just be easier to eat them in the original location.
Why does he have to carry them away in a sack? I don't know.
I guess it's just his thing, you know? It's the perfect red, right? You know, every girl needs a great red lipstick.
Here.
You take it.
I'm not really a red lipstick girl.
Let me try.
Here.
Wow.
Tessa, you look great.
My God, you look so grown up.
Now that you're practically an adult, I was kind of hoping that maybe we could Um I don't know.
I just have you ever been to Europe? I mean, are you interested in traveling at all? Yeah.
Good.
I suppose the whole thing was very sophisticated.
I mean, there I was, wearing the perfect red lipstick, sitting in a hotel lobby listening to stories about Berlin.
But the truth is, I had never felt more like a kid.
I wanted my house and my tree and my Christmas stocking and my dad.
I wanted to be home with my dad.
Look, Ryan Don't call me that name.
I'm not Ryan.
I'm the opposite of Ryan, which is Eugene.
O okay, Eugene.
Look, just because you're adopted doesn't make you any less of a Shay.
Don't every say that last name again! I'm not a Shay! I'm the opposite of a Shay which is Goldfarb.
I'm Eugene Goldfarb! Okay.
Okay.
I'm Eugene Goldfarb.
I'll see you in the morning.
Eugene can stay as long as he likes, but somebody's gotta call his parents.
in my heart heart, heart, heart, heart heart, heart, heart, heart, heart "Home for the holidays" is more than just some marketing catchphrase.
For some, it's an irrepressible, almost primal urge.
For others, it's a reminder of where home is.
Berlin would have to wait.
I was heading home, to Chatswin.
And if anyone should understand, it should be Alex.
Dalia, do you like your gloves? I got 'em from Italy.
They're made of kidskin.
Thanks, mommy.
These kids must have been really cute.
It's just sad, 'cause none of these boxes are big enough to be Carmen.
Unless you chopped her up and put her into separate little boxes.
No, Dalia, sadly, I was unable to chop up Carmen for the holidays.
Dalia, there's a big present over there you haven't opened yet.
Is it rims? Uh, it looks a little bit to be rims.
No, rims are really big.
Oh, well, either way, why don't you go ahead and open it? It's probably just rims.
It's not rims.
Aah! Aah! I'm back, bitches! Carmen! Carmen! Aah! It's Carmen! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's Carmen! Oh, my God! Here.
Oh! Aah! Oh, George.
- Oh, my God! - Watch your step.
I'm gonna go play with Carmen in my room.
She'll clean this mess up tomorrow.
Come on, Carmen.
It's Carmen! You got Carmen back! You got Carmen back! George, oh, my gosh! - Merry Christmas, Dallas.
- George.
It felt good to be back in Chatswin.
- Tessa! Tessa! - But before I could race through my own front door, I had to help Lisa scratch something off her list.
It's Christmas morning.
Ryan's not home.
He's at Malik's, and I I need you to talk to him, because he'll listen to you, because he he he's crazy about you.
He always has been.
Well, uh, what do you want me to tell him? Just tell him that I love him.
Ryan or Malik? All right.
You know which one I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the white one.
Okay? Okay.
You know where you're going? Okay.
Just I just hank you so much, sir.
Thank you.
Look, if there's anyone who understands what you're going through, it's me.
Your biological mom is out there, but your parents are the people that raised you.
Here.
I made these business cards on Malik's printer.
Ryan, stop it.
You're not "Eugene Goldfarb.
" You're Ryan Shay, the only son of Fred and Sheila.
We live across the street from each other.
You have a huge crush on me.
And right now standing on this picturesque suburban street I'm starting to think I may have one on you, too.
Whoa.
She used tongue! She used tongue! That was the only thing on my Christmas list.
Come on.
Let's go home.
Okay.
Hey! Where are you going? You have my card! You know where to find me! Ryan was still deciding where home was.
But for me, that was a question I already answered.
Tessa.
Merry Christmas.
I wasn't expecting you till the day after tomorrow.
Wait.
What are you doing here? Is everything okay? Yeah, dad, everything's great.