Suburgatory (2011) s02e12 Episode Script

Since I had started dating Ryan Shay, I had learned a couple of things one he required 30 grams of animal protein at every meal.
And two his after-school schedule - was as tight as his abs.
- No, I can't do Wednesday.
Wednesday I've got wrestling.
Okay.
Thursday? Circuit training.
Then I have modeling, jump rope club, - nude modeling.
- Fine.
What does your Friday look like? Mmm.
Mm! Boy band practice.
Wow.
Seems like you got a pretty full plate.
Yeah.
I need 30 grams of animal protein at every single meal.
No, I meant to say that your days are totally and completely booked.
They're overbooked.
Well, I'm sure yours are, too.
You probably have tons of awesome after school activities.
No, yeah, totally.
I do.
Tons.
I had nothing going on and was in danger of being pathetic.
I needed an after-school activity of my own.
Attention, lunch eaters.
The critically criticized Chatswin high TV network is looking for a qualified producer with no previous qualifications I have no previous qualifications.
To oversee our hard-hitting call-in show, "Teen Talk.
" I'm a teen.
I love to talk.
Any interested parties should contact me - at their earliest - Hello, Tessa.
Meanwhile, George was busy with a new hobby of his own indulging Dallas Royce.
Oh, my gosh, George! You're like the Joy Behar of cabana design.
So? What do you think? You like it? - Like it? - Yeah.
- I love it.
- Yeah? Think of all the cabana parties I can now throw.
And think of all the cabana boys I can employ.
You know I love to employ people, George.
Would you consider employing a balcony? Well, who in their right mind wouldn't want a balcony? That's like asking if you want fries with that.
The answer is always, always "yes.
" Paint the background Tessa.
Welcome aboard.
Let me take you on a grand tour of our facilities.
That's the chair.
That is a phone.
Well, I hope I can remember where everything is.
Mr.
Wolfe, Ms.
Altman, talent just called.
Our host, Evan Spaghetti, says he's not coming in, okay? The show goes live in five, and we don't have a host.
What's wrong with Evan? His pediatrician says exhaustion.
Okay, th this is real! It's not a drill, all right?! Everyone, places! Go time! What do we do now? Well, don't look at me.
You're the new producer of "Teen Talk.
" Where would you like me to look? I Study Hall! I forgot about Study Hall.
It's a completely useless class.
It's like they want us to cut it and make out.
So do you wanna? Ryan, right now I'm in the middle of managing a crisis.
Tessa! You're a genius.
He's absolutely perfect.
I'm sorry.
I'm seeing someone already.
Um, no, he means you're perfect to host "Teen Talk" today.
Our host called in sick.
You want me to bail you out? - Well, when you put it like that way - yes! Okay.
We'll make out later! I like cantaloupe.
I do, but it doesn't infuse water the way a berry will.
Taste for yourself.
It didn't infuse.
- For me it did.
- It didn't.
- I taste it.
- You don't.
- Tastes like melon.
- You're a filthy liar.
Hey.
Hi.
Hey, you wanna hear somethin' funny? You wanna taste somethin' funny? Melon water.
Tastes like nothin'.
So I went to pull the permits on the cabana, and it appears that after looking at some zoning maps, is on the East Chatswin side of the border.
Isn't that funny? Technically, you live in East Chatswin.
What? What the hell are you trying to do to me, George? Whoa, baby, it's it's not that big of a deal.
It's just a technicality.
Come on.
Doesn't matter.
Oh.
Sort of looking like it matters.
So apparently, Evan usually opens the show with a funny anecdote.
Do you know any funny anecdotes? Babe, I got this.
Whoa.
I mean, what do you mean, you "got this"? I'm just gonna talk about my body.
People love it when I talk about my body.
Ryan, no, don't talk about your body.
People do not wanna hear you talk about your body.
- We're on in five four - They do.
Three I was sure he wasn't going to talk about his body.
There's no way he was going to talk about his body.
Hi.
I'm Ryan Shay, and I'm here to talk about my body.
Please call in with your questions and compliments.
Lines are open.
Tessa! Look.
The phones work.
I thought they were just props.
And we've got caller number one.
- Yes.
- Hi.
Body? Please talk to my glutes.
They're all ears.
It was official Dallas Royce was no longer a citizen of Chatswin.
But it wasn't just Dallas who would suffer the consequences.
Yakult Royce? I'm sorry, Yakult.
Your membership has been revoked.
I get it.
No! Come on.
Come on, guys, is this really necessary? Wait! This is all a big mistake! Here's your dog and here is your complimentary "you're no longer one of us" gift basket.
Please don't do this! I am one of you! This isn't right.
Ooh, but this hand cream is amazing.
Dalia Royce.
I've been informed that you are no longer a Chatswin resident.
Therefore, you can no longer attend Chatswin High.
'Kay.
Clear out your locker, and prepare to be relocated to East Chatswin High.
'Kay.
You may take a moment to say good-bye to your friends.
'Kay.
I'm good.
Very well.
Mr.
Wolfe, is this for real? This is unbelievable.
Almost as unbelievable as the overnights I just got on "Body Talk.
" "Body Talk"? You heard me, sister.
"Teen Talk" is dead.
- What? - That's right, Spaghetti.
Wolfie, baby, let's talk this thing over.
You made me change my name to "Spaghetti.
" You're yesterday's news.
The ratings on "Body Talk" were through the roof.
That is impossible.
The numbers don't lie.
The show got a 19, but a 25 in the 17-to-18 demo.
- What are you talking about? - What does the 25 mean? It means 25 people watched it.
That's huge.
"Teen Talk" had only ever gotten a 2, and that was just me and Chef Alan.
Well, I'm happy Ryan did well.
Just keep doing what you're doing.
What? I always knew that someday, Ryan would be the star of a call-in show about his body.
I just I didn't think you'd be the one producing it.
To be honest, I always thought it'd be Seacrest.
Okay.
Baby? Let's go inside.
I'm not going inside, George.
Inside that house is East Chatswin.
Okay, you're you're being crazy.
It's still your house.
It's practically a crack den.
Nope, George, nope.
I'm staying in here.
Here's got everything an upscale, single gal like myself needs.
I can charge my phone, use the tan roof to get some sun, and if I'm drinking four different beverages, there's four beverage holders.
Inside that house, zero beverage holders, George.
Zero.
Dallas? This car is my home-sweet-home now.
What are you what's going on? Oh What are you doing? Comfy cozy.
Like the Four Seasons.
Okay.
I I started this mess, and I'm gonna be the one to fix it.
I'm gonna go make some calls.
Thanks for dropping by! Dalia was doing a little better adjusting to her new circumstances thanks to a coping mechanism known as denial.
Hi, Malik.
Hi, Tessa.
What up, bitches? Who the hell are you? Who the hell are you? Daisy.
Dalia.
This is the triple A Ashley, Amber, and Amantha.
What kind of name is Amantha? It's the kind of name that thinks you're a pale, ugly loser.
Mr.
Wolfe, they're being mean to me.
She's living in my car.
My car.
This has to be fixed.
You you sure this guy can help? - Because - Look, this guy is the ultimate power broker in Chatswin.
He controls the zoning board.
He pulls permits out of his back pocket like they're chewing gum.
He's the Godfather.
Marty? Steam room Marty? He's your guy? He's "The Godfather"? Gentlemen.
What can I do for you? Well, Marty, I'm I'm here about Dallas.
- You know Dallas? - Know her? Why, I consider her a close, personal friend.
- Exactly.
- In fact, she's my best friend.
Now I don't know if you know this, but we fought in the war together.
O okay.
You and Dallas Royce? Who the hell is that? Yeah.
Okay, Marty, she's my girlfriend.
And it turns out that half of her property is in East Chatswin, and now she's being kicked out of the club.
Her daughter is being thrown out of school, Sh uh-huh.
So you want me to go to her house and break bread.
What? No, I'm asking you to rezone her property so she can remain a resident of Chatswin.
And why would I do that? Uh, Marty, I gave you an emergency root canal and did your crown for free.
So you owe you you owe me.
Everything you need is on this disk.
Print it out, fill out the paperwork, and then come see me In the steam room.
Where where am I gonna find a computer to open this thing up? Who do I look like Al Gore? Before we go, I wanna take one final call about my body.
You're on the air, caller.
Hey, yeah.
It's pretty warm out.
Can you tell us how your body does in the heat? Yeah, that's a that's a very good question.
I actually get that one a lot.
And hydration is the key to hydration.
Now when I want to get hydrated, I like to drink stuff through my mouth.
Till next time.
Okay.
You know what? This is stupid.
This is just stupid! I want my name off the show.
Tessa, please you're embarrassing yourself.
I'm embarrassing myself? You're the one spending a whole entire study hall period talking about your body.
Hey, the only reason I even agreed to do "Body Talk" was for you.
I know this is your only extracurricular activity.
I know it must make you feel like a big loser.
A big loser? No, no.
Look, it's okay, though.
You're less popular than me, you have less friends than I do, and you have little to no activities.
But I'm still super, super into you.
Like, I'm I do not need your pity! Okay? I don't need your help.
I could make this show a huge success without you.
Okay.
We both know that's not true.
Okay, you have no idea what people find interesting, and you told me to open with an antidote, whatever the hell that is.
I would literally rather watch anything anything else than you talking about your body.
What are you trying to say? What I'm trying to say is you are fired.
Well, if you're trying to say that, congratulations, 'cause you just said it to me.
Yes, I said it.
Wow! Wow! Let's go, boys.
Mommy, I'm home.
Back here! How was school today? Did you make any new friends? No.
Everyone at my new school's tanner than me.
They act like I'm not tan enough to be going there.
That's ridiculous.
No one should ever be judged by how deep their tan is.
I know, right? I just wish they could look beyond the color of my tan and see the content of my closet.
Because I have really nice stuff in my closet, you know? I know.
And that's a beautiful dream.
You know, I can't remember the last time we had an after-school espresso, just the two of us.
Maybe being ostracized by our community and driven out of our home was a blessing in disguise.
Yeah.
It's a good disguise, mommy.
Where's my kangaroo? Ha ha.
Marty.
It was not easy, but I found an old library in Queens that has a working quadra 650.
I have here the documents, all filled out, ready for your approval, sir.
Thank hey rejected? Marty, you bastard.
What I I filled out the paperwork, just like you said.
The paperwork doesn't change the fact that 58% of the property is in East Chatswin.
Thus making it 100% in East Chatswin.
Why did you make him fill out the paperwork if you were just gonna reject it? Protocol.
All right, you know what? Don't come crying to me the next time your crown cracks! My crown is already cracked! I had to get a partial bridge! Ew.
Okay.
That is a bridge too far, my friend.
That is a bridge too far! Aah! Oh, God! Aah! Oh! Aah! Five, four, three Two do do do-do do do do, do do do-do do Welcome to "Tessa Talk.
" I'm your host Tessa.
Today we are going to be talking about what it takes to get an episode of television on the air, how to deal with talent, manage the expectations of the faculty, and how to produce an entertaining segment.
Phone lines are open.
Does anybody wanna talk about my body? Sorry.
Albinos can't drink from this fountain.
You're so pale.
You look like a vampire.
Do you need a transfusion? You should be in the next "Twilight" movie, 'cause your skin looks like a dead vam I get it.
My tan's not good enough for you guys.
It's not your tan.
It's you.
We don't like you 'cause you're new.
Oh.
I used to make fun of new people, too.
Just ask Tessa.
Maybe one day you'll get transferred, and then you'll know what it feels like to be the odd biyatch out.
Biyatch.
I miss my old school.
You wanted to see me? I didn't want to see you.
The cancellation bear wanted to see you.
In his den.
What is this? Our ratings went down 24.
That means we got a 1.
You lost Chef Alan, and when you've lost Chef Alan, you've lost America.
Mr.
Wolfe, I'm sorry.
But I can't dedicate myself to a show that fixates on the most superficial, unimportant aspect of being a human being.
Aren't you dating Ryan now? Kind of.
Then you should know.
What makes "Body Talk" great isn't Ryan's great body.
He also has an amazing spirit.
I assumed that was what you liked about him.
It is.
The best thing to wash down a big slice of humble pie East Chatswin tap water.
Oh! Javier! Oh, thank goodness! Oh, I didn't know you worked at this club, too.
I need to file a complaint about the water! It's unfruited.
Actually, I don't work here, Dallas.
I I'm a member just like you.
Javier, no.
How could you belong to an establishment who puts little, if any, fruit in their water? Truth told, I'm a tap man.
A tap man? Dallas.
Hey.
George! Thank God, George.
The water is unfruited.
Well, uh, I I got some bad news.
Worse than unfruited? On a scale of one to ten, unfruited being a nine? It's a ten.
It's Marty.
He not only rejected our appeal, but now he has a restraining order against me.
So looks like neither one of us is going to the Chatswin country club anytime soon.
I see.
Hey.
But hey, hey, I will personally cut fruit and put it in your water every single day of the week.
And I'll join the east Chatswin "Y," too.
We're in this together, okay? Okay.
If I have to slum it, I guess I'd rather slum it with you.
I'd rather slum it with you, too.
Hey, Javier.
Hola.
While Dallas made peace with the idea of not belonging to a club that didn't want to have her as a member, I realized that I already belonged to something that meant more to me than any after-school activity.
Welcome to a special edition of "Body Talk.
" Today I'm going to be answering questions on everybody's favorite subject Ryan Shay.
The two of us started dating recently, so I'm practically an expert on him and his amazing body.
The phone lines are open for your questions.
Hey, Tessa, I was just wondering what's your favorite part of "The Body's" body? Great question, caller.
Um I'd have to say it's his heart.
Yeah, his heart is even bigger than his quads, which, as you know, are huge.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is an exciting day on "Body Talk.
" Please welcome the star of our show and the guy I wanna say "sorry" to Ryan Shay.
I'm sorry I called you a loser.
I'm sorry I was acting like one.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
And Noah wasn't willing to lose his best friend to East Chatswin.
Noah, what's going on in here? Hey, Marty! What, you don't like my friends? I got them all guest passes.
They love it here.
They said they're gonna come all the time, huh? You bastard.
How much to get my steam room back? You can get it back cheap.
It'll just cost you one stamp.
And just like that, the Royces were citizens of Chatswin again.
And not a minute too soon for Dalia.
Bye, losers.
I'm done being a loser.
Does this school validate? My old school validates.
No? You guys all probably take the bus.