Suburgatory (2011) s02e13 Episode Script

Blowtox and Burlap

At Chatswin High, most guys phoned it in, giving their G.
F.
S the usual Valentine's Day crap.
Listen but for one lonely soul who lost his true love when I had you I treated you bad don't you know I sit around with my head hangin' down and I wonder who's Aah! If you think exploiting my love for Smokey Robinson and life-sized doll-making is gonna make me forget what you did? You're Lisa, you think I wanted your mom to see me naked? It was an accident! Baby, can't you see the tracks of my tears? I'm I'm prepared to sing that one, too! Actually, I don't I don't have that sheet music.
Even though it's a cheesy commercial holiday, I had to admit, having my own doting Valentine felt pretty good.
I see you got my card.
I'm still awaiting your reply.
Mm "Y.
" "Y"? "Y"! I knew she'd say "Y"! She said "Y"! Here's the thing.
Um, I overheard you talking about going to Cody Bufford's valentines rager? Rager.
Rager! Yeah.
Cody's mom has super low self-esteem and said she's buy us a keg of beer if we all wear these t-shirts.
Uh wouldn't it be more romantic to spend Valentine's Day just the two of us? Just the two of us? Doing what? Well, I'm glad you asked.
There's a movie playing at this art house theater, and I've been dying to see it.
Tonight is the last night.
Don't those art house movies have a lot of, like, dialogue? Well, according to NPR, this one is thrilling.
They gave it two quills up.
It's called "Sea of Anguish.
" Oh, is it based on a water park ride? I tend to really respond to movies based on water park rides.
No, I think it's less of a ride and more of a moody, elliptical fever dream.
But they have really good caramel corn.
Or gummi bears? Caramel corn and gummi bears? Yeah? Yeah.
Cool.
Okay.
Ryan and I weren't the only ones with big plans for Valentine's Day.
- George was preparing to sweep Dallas off her feet.
- Wow.
Okay.
Hi.
Uh, George Altman.
I just wanted to confirm my reservation for the Valentine's dinner tonight.
Yes.
Mr.
Altman.
You're one of the lucky few to have secured a spot.
- Okay.
- Oh, and I see you opted for the 18-course premium package.
Well, yeah.
Actually, it's my first Valentine's with my girlfriend, so I kind of wanna make it special.
Oh, it will be.
Somehow, we convinced Chef Julio Proust to grace us with his muscular, innovative cooking.
As a Valentine's special, he's prepared a first course of paper-thin slices of pig's heart drizzled in a sauce of its own blood.
Wow.
Yummers.
Oh.
- Mommy? - No! No! No! Mommy, was that you? Uh, Dalia, it is me, but it isn't me.
It's too hard to explain.
Mommy, you're scaring me.
Why are you hiding? Okay.
Well, have you ever heard of blowtox? A new injectable derived from the deadly Japanese blowfish? No.
How bad is it? Tell me I don't need to cancel my date with George tonight.
Remember that guy in Florida who got his entire face eaten off by an alligator and then had reconstructive surgery, and then when the picture surfaced, everyone was like "wait this is after the surgery? What the hell did he look like before the surgery?" Yeah? Well, if that guy had a baby with the elephant man, and that baby got really old, and then something on that baby got infected, that would be you.
Ugh.
Well, thanks for your honesty.
Ugh.
Mommy, you're really disgusting.
Hello, sweetheart.
Mother.
You're a little early.
And by a little, I mean a whole day.
Oh, Sheila.
You and your schedules.
It's so confining.
- I changed my mind.
- Well How 'bout that? You should try it sometime.
Is that my Gam Gam? Oh, there's my boy.
Give me some lovin'.
Oh, look at you.
You're so skinny.
Well I gotta put my arms around you.
Oh! He's all ribs, like a greyhound.
Well, I do play cardio ping-pong once a week - with the boys down at the club.
- Honey, don't worry.
Tonight, you are gonna feast like the king that you are.
Oh, no, no, mother.
I have a whole Valentine's menu planned.
- I am making chicken breasts - Ooh.
- Generously seasoned with paprika.
- Mmm.
Oh, Fred, you can have those skinny breasts anytime.
How does a thick, juicy rib eye sound? The woman brings meat across state lines.
How can you not love that? You married the wrong woman, Fred Shay.
she just loves waltzing into my home in those senior stilettos, acting like she showed up a day early by accident.
That was no accident.
She wants to ruin my Valentine's Day.
And watching your father lap up the attention got to admit, big turnoff.
Not the least bit aroused.
Not gonna be no nookie tonight for Fred.
Okay, mother, please? You'll notice I am indulging not in chocolate, but in a lengthy biography of George Washington, because the only February holiday I celebrate is Presidents' Day.
Fair maiden! Forsooth I do beg your forbearance! Whilst thou lend a gentle ear? with a hey nonny nonny and a hey nonny hey and a hey nonny nonny and a If he thinks that he can exploit my fondness of 16th-century folklore, he's got another think coming.
I told you the intro was too long.
No, no.
You need the "hey nonny nonnys.
" They they set the mood.
Lisa, that little cocoa puff out there is cuckoo for you.
Maybe you should at least hear him out.
Don't you have anything better to do on Valentine's Day than try to control my life? As a matter of fact, I do.
Tonight, your father and I are going to be learning to tango.
The Alfred Himmelsbock way.
Adios.
I hope you are ready to suck the marrow out of life, and I mean that quite literally.
I hear this chef works a lot with marrow.
Oh I'm afraid I'm in no position to suck anything tonight, George.
What? What what's going on? It's Dalia.
She's under the weather.
Are you sure? Dalia's pretty tough.
And it's Valentine's Day.
Oh, but she's projectile vomiting.
I think I saw a crucifix in there.
She's either sick or possessed.
Either way, I'm in for the night.
Okay, say no more.
I don't care how expensive or non-refundable that meal is, your child comes first.
I'll make it up to you, I promise.
Bailed on V-Day? Yeah.
Hey you don't feel like sharing 18 courses of award-winning cuisine with me? Well, I would, but I have a hot date.
Oh.
Ha! Ha! You'll never believe it.
Turns out Gam Gam has been taking tango lessons at the senior center.
Except that none of those old crones can move like Alfredo can.
He's a natural.
What about our tapes? You're not upset, are you? Initially, she was.
But then, in that very moment, Sheila realized what Lisa must have felt every time her mother made Malik a sandwich, gave him a pound, locked it and exploded it, or made some poorly drawn reference to a Wayans.
Just like Gam Gam, Sheila had been cutting in, and she shouldn't have been.
Mother.
Lover.
Lover.
Mother.
So that movie I was so excited about turned out to be a total drag.
I mean, there wasn't enough caramel corn in the world.
And if it was bad for me, i could only imagine how much Ryan was suffering.
Hey.
You doing okay? Mother.
Lover.
Lover.
Not really.
Mother.
Lover.
- Lover.
- It's just so Confusing? Pretentious? Terrible? So There are lots of things I thought he would say.
But not one of them was Beautiful.
It's so beautiful.
Oh, hey, buddy.
Okay, so listen, here's the thing due to some unforeseen stuff, I'm gonna need my meal to go.
To go? Yeah.
I know there's no refund, so if you could just, you know, wrap it up for me.
Wrap it up? Are you just gonna keep repeating what I say, or - Sir.
- What? Chef Julio's 18-course menu isn't a meal.
It's an experience.
Like scaling an icy glacier or swimming with an endangered sea turtle.
Now how on earth would I wrap that up to go? In 18 little bags? Okay, listen, I am not a man who's accustomed to paying $600 for anything I can't drive around in, so I'm having trouble just walking away from this.
And in such a comfortable shoe.
Ha ha.
You know what? On second thought, I guess I'm eating for two.
If you don't mind.
I had no idea that his ghost was gonna come back for 45 minutes as an eel.
Was that an eel? Wait.
You didn't love the movie? I didn't love that movie.
I didn't like that movie, even a little bit.
I thought it was terrible.
I'm sorry I suggested it.
How can you say that? It changed my life.
It there was a 5-minute part that was nothing but the little boy staring at a dead fish.
That dead fish was the boy's mother.
How do you know that? How do you not know that? Valentine's Day was slipping through our fingers.
Unless Ryan and I could find some common ground.
Hey, how do you how do you feel about stopping by Cody's? I could I could really use a rager right now.
Come on.
We can tell his mom how sexy she is.
You go ahead.
I feel like walking the earth.
It's been a while, Mrs.
Shay.
Indeed it has.
Indeed it has.
You're amazing, Mrs.
Shay.
Easy, Malik.
Take it easy.
I missed your chicken salad so much.
I've missed giving it to you.
There's only one thing I've missed more than this.
It's Lisa.
I know.
And I know what you need to do to get her back.
Sheila and Malik weren't the only ones avoiding being seen.
Dallas was spending her Valentine's Day hiding in the shadows.
Hello? - Dallas? -Tessa, is that you? It's really dark in here.
Do you mind if I Freeze! I'm just not in the mood for direct lighting.
Okay.
I was on a date with Ryan tonight.
And the whole thing was my idea, but I realized halfway through I didn't like it, and he really liked it, and he got all mad at me because I wasn't into it.
If we're talkin' about what I think we're talkin' about, if they can't get you there even once, their whole world comes crashing down.
And it's like, we understand.
I'm talking about a movie.
Oh.
Then I don't know what his problem is.
Just because we didn't have the same exact experience, he got mad and he walked away.
And now I'm alone on Valentine's Day.
Y'all are discovering you have differences.
That doesn't mean it's the end.
It means it's a beginning.
It does? Yes.
You're learning how to navigate through the lumps and the bumps and the flaky parts, and the swollen sections, filled with fluids, just beggin' to be lanced.
Okay.
Now you're scaring me.
What I'm trying to say is, go find your man.
I will if you will.
You know what? You're right.
George would love me whether I looked like Charlize Theron or Charlize Theron in "Monster.
" Right? And you tried icing it? Whoo.
That was a workout.
I'll tell you, Fred Shay, you have the tango touch.
Well.
What have we here? In keeping with the Spanish theme of our evening, I have made some mini churros with chocolate sauce.
Mrs.
Shay.
What decadence.
Keep it in your pants, Fred.
They're oven-baked.
Though I did use a heavy hand on the cinnamon shaker.
So oh.
Well.
Ow! Oh.
I think all that abrazo-ing is causing me to cramp up.
Oh, sorry, honey.
Excuse me.
Allow me.
- Oh! Boy.
- Is it too deep? Nope.
You get in there, Gam Gam.
Oh, you dig as deep as you dare.
Oh, that's the stuff.
Oh.
Aah.
Ooh.
Malik.
What a surprise.
Oh.
Oh oh, yes.
How's that feel? Sheila wasn't the only one losing her appetite.
Aah For your 15th course, we present a pork belly and veal tongue hash, finished with shards of micro-beak - in a freshly lambed foam.
- Lambed? Did you It's a verb? Lambed? "To lamb"? Who lambed it? I did.
I lambed it this morning.
It was an honor to watch you lamb it.
You're very lucky.
You're very lucky.
Guys, my girl used to look at me just like that.
Made me feel like number one.
Right? It feels good.
Yeah, but tonight, she totally bailed on me, so here I am feeling like number two Right? Did you get it? Number two? We get it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Don't mind me.
I'm just drunk and lonely.
George.
Hey! That's her.
That's my girlfriend.
- The most beautiful girl in the world.
- Shh.
Shh.
Underneath the bag.
George.
George, come here.
Hey.
Hey, I didn't wanna leave you here all alone.
But let's just slip out without making a scene.
Okay.
Hey, take a good look, folks! But hands off! This sweet gal is mine! Come on.
This better be good, mother.
I just got to the valley forge section, and there is a riveting passage about gangrene.
Hey, Lisa.
Mother, would you please show this gentleman to the door and tell him that I do not wish to be disturbed again? Young lady, I think you have shown quite enough attitude today.
Now if you can't be polite to Malik, then I am gonna take away your library privileges.
You know what, Mrs.
Shay? Maybe you should back off.
Excuse me? I'm sick of hearing the way you talk to Lisa.
She doesn't deserve that tone.
Nobody does.
I hardly think it is your place to tell me how to talk to my own daughter.
You know what? That's where you're wrong.
You're the one who's always putting your nose where it doesn't belong, like in our relationship.
You know what else? Your "chicken salad"? Yeah, it ain't all that, mama.
Well, if that is how you feel, then I agree with Lisa.
You'd better go.
You are no longer welcome in my home, Mr.
Lafrique.
Hey.
I thought you were out walking the earth.
I came looking for you.
It is Valentine's Day.
This couch is wet.
That's 'cause Cody's mom threw up on it a few minutes ago.
I'm sorry I walked out on you.
If that movie taught me anything, it's that we have to forgive those in the darkness who don't yet see the light.
Yeah.
And I know, in a surprise turn of events, that you liked that movie and I didn't.
But maybe that's hat makes us a cool couple.
We're unpredictable.
Yeah.
And we're both super good looking.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Okay.
So what was that part where the masked guy is bowing to the horse statue about? That was about war.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
What about the monkey running through the art museum? That was about freedom.
Whoa.
Who knew? Oh, man.
I think I exceeded the daily allowance of animal colon tonight.
You know what? I know I did.
Okay.
Easy does it.
Almost there.
Dallas, you know I mean this in the most respectful way possible, but you're kind of reminding me of a serial killer right now.
You gotta show me what's under the bag.
I will.
I just wanna make sure you don't freak out first.
I ate digestive tract tonight, okay? Nothing's gonna make me freak out.
Just tell me what's going on.
Okay.
I had a procedure that went a bit awry.
How awry? Uh Okay.
Wow.
What did Okay.
You know Ooh, wow.
It's bad, isn't it? It's really bad.
You you don't have to change yourself.
Anything about yourself.
You're to me, you're so sexy, and and And beautiful, and Oh, God.
- George? - Mm-hmm.
You were just tellin' me that I'm sexy and beautiful.
I I was and I will, just Oh, God, this isn't about you, I swear.
It's all the intestines in my intestines.
Excuse me.
Are you sure it's not me? Love, thankfully, is resilient.
It can continue to thrive in the most unlikely circumstances.
Malik? Hey.
Um thanks for standing up to my mother.
It felt really good to have you on my side.
And if you're still willing to give us another chance I want to.
Really? Really.
Happy almost-Presidents' Day.
Mr.
Shay? In tango, one doesn't ask.
One takes.
But what about mi madre? Screw Gam Gam.
I told her she can stick her rib eye where the sun don't shine.
Well, not literally, of course.
I told her good night and that I'd miss her, and to have a safe trip, and let us know she get in ok.
But she knew what I meant.