Suburgatory (2011) s02e14 Episode Script

With a few alterations, Ryan Shay and I were making it work.
Who woulda thunk it? We made it through three major holidays, a tooth extraction, and a herpes scare that turned out to be an ingrown.
We'd gotten through it all expertly, which made me something of a relationship expert.
It's just, I see the way Ryan looks at you.
Mikey doesn't look at me that way.
The right guy, he's out there, Justine.
Okay? And if you ask me, it's Todd from PreCal.
Once he gets his headgear off, he's gonna be a stone cold fox.
Thanks for stopping by.
Next! Let me guess.
Boys can't see past the chair.
Am I right? Have you thought about decorating the wheels in an eye-catching fashion? I need to pee.
Oh.
Naomi aside, everyone else seemed to agree that when it came to relationships, "Ask Tessa" was the go-to girl.
I wouldn't.
What? I wouldn't feed him out of the palm of your hand.
You're emasculating him, Lisa.
Sorry, don't you have your own boyfriend to worry about? He's at an away game, and I think you know that.
Students, in preparation for our new ravioli bar We have a ravioli bar?! Not yet.
I said "in preparation.
" For the next several weeks, Chef Alan will be training under a highly gay and attractive raviologist Chef Norman Neuman.
I know what you're thinking, and yes, he was chef Alan's first homosexual lover.
I'm gonna let that sink in for a moment.
And now I'm going to ask that you welcome Norman with open arms, as Chef Alan used to.
Uh-oh, looks like somebody's relationship's gonna need a whole mess'a "Ask Tessa.
" - No.
- No.
I'll just grab a robe.
Oh.
You didn't get my message? Yves Clyde is running a bit behind.
- We're gonna need to reschedule.
- Reschedule? This is the third time y'all have canceled on me this week.
I am wearing multiple sunglasses to hide my root situation, but this can't persist! I am so sorry, Miss Royce.
Yves Clyde has a new client who's proved very demanding.
Take your time, Yves Clyde.
I want it all! Lowlights, midlights, highlights.
And I wanna hear absolutely everything there is to know about your yorkie.
Noah Werner! Does this vendetta know no bounds? It's boundless.
You stole Carmen.
Carmen was returned to my employ by Father Christmas.
Plus, you stole Ashanti our dog walker, and you don't even have a dog! Well, we're thinking about getting one now that we have the right team in place! And how dare you, madame? You poached Sean our mattress flipper! His name is Shane.
See? I'm too sleep-deprived to even remember his name.
That's what it's come to! We need to get you rinsed out.
We want you summersy, not Suzanne Somers-y.
Ohh! This isn't over.
I will not rest until I have stolen your G.
P.
, your E.
N.
T.
, and your ob-gyn, even if I have to grow my own lady parts! Oh.
Sorry about that.
I'm afraid Noah's been a bit unhinged ever since Carmen left.
I have my regrets about the way it ended.
Is she happy? - Who? Carmen? - Mm.
Oh, she's thriving.
She's gained her weight back.
She's showing affection.
She stopped tearing her slippers apart.
She's in a good home now.
I'm glad to hear it.
I wish I could say the same about my husband.
These days, coaching that T-ball team of his is the only thing that gives him any normal joy.
Huh.
Funny.
I've recently developed a keen interest in T-balls myself.
Oh.
Hey, Mr.
Wolfe.
Anything I can help you with? No, I'm good, but thanks.
You sure? Positive.
There's nothin' you wanna "Ask Tessa"? Trademark pending.
I feel like you're asking me to ask you something, but I'm not sure what you're asking, and I'm afraid to ask.
Well, it's just that you've been standing there, staring at chefs Alan and Norman for two periods now.
I can tell.
You are terrified by the idea of them working so closely together, clog-by-clog.
Wow.
You really know your stuff, "Ask Tessa.
" Now I don't know if I announced this part at lunch, but Alan was married when he met Norman at culinary school.
He left Nora for Norman.
Mm-hmm.
Who wouldn't be attracted to Norman? He's a norseman.
Didn't realize he was from Norway.
He's not.
It's gay slang, and I'd rather not define it for you.
I know why you feel threatened, and it is because he is a threat.
I trust Alan.
It's the norseman that is why you need to up your game.
He's the catch of the day, and you are Friday's chili made with Thursday's hamburger meat.
- Ouch.
- Yeah, well, "Ask Tessa" tells it like it is.
Do not ignore your instincts, or mine.
Remind Chef Alan that the wolf has not been tamed.
Release the wild wolf he once fell in love with.
Thanks, "Ask Tessa.
" Looks good to me.
You're beautiful as always.
You just think it looks beautiful 'cause you're ignorant.
When it comes to this stuff, you are ignorant, George.
It's not beautiful.
It's satisfactory.
Why? Susan did it.
She's a shampoo lady! A head washer.
Well, I think Susan really stepped up to the plate.
She did no such thing, you ignorant fool.
And furthermore, she was unable to regale me with stories about her toy dog or celebrities gossip or what it's like vacationing in the Swiss alps.
She just talked about her mother, who apparently has lupus.
Nothing entertaining about that.
That's just sad.
Well, just because Noah's being petty doesn't mean you have to be.
It's time to take the high road and disengage.
Pull out of this war.
Hells to the no.
It's time to serve.
Serve.
I'm gonna climb on his back and T-ball him.
- What? - Oh, he likes coaching T-ball? I'm gonna take away his little bad news bears on their own field of dreams like a natural.
You know what? I actually think that's a good idea.
- You do? - I do.
Look, I think a baseball game is a relatively healthy way to settle things between you and Noah if it will, in fact, settle things.
Do you think this will finally help you let go of your grudge? If I win.
You wanted to see me? In your den? Tessa, please have a seat.
You ruined my life.
What? What happened? What didn't? You said to remind him of how we first fell in love.
Well, we fell in love at Xanadude, the first gay roller rink in Chatswin.
You said unleash the wolf! I didn't say to unleash the purple hot pants! Alan is silently furious with me.
It's his quiet I fear most.
And also his leaving me for Norman.
And also dying alone.
And shiny floors.
I have a lot of fears.
Maybe he's not as mad as you think.
Let me suss it out.
Got it.
What should I do? Change.
Listen up, y'all! First, assume a wide stance.
Second, squirt a dime-sized portion of sunscreen into your palm.
Make sure it's oil-free.
And then you're gonna apply it with a sweeping motion.
Start at the base of your throat and sweep upwards.
Upwards.
Upwards, Keith.
Uh, Coach? You might wanna get to the actual sport.
Practice is only an hour.
Well, George, I was getting to that.
Now I need each of you to develop your very own fancy run.
This is a perfect way to express your individuality while you're running towards that filthy pillow.
Also known as first base.
George, you're confusing them with your jargon.
Okay.
Nicole, I know you love unicorns.
Let me see a unicorn run.
Yes! Ohh, I love it, Nicole! I feel like I'm in Narnia! Maybe you should have the kids practice hitting.
George, I'm sorry, but I can't condone violence.
Not now, not ever.
Wow.
I've never been in the cafeteria after school.
You think the ice cream is unlocked? This will only take a minute.
I just have to suss out to Alan.
Never takes me long to suss.
Don't you have your own relationship to "suss"? I told you.
He's at an away game.
Ooh! Oh! I don't know.
I just I feel very anxious about the whole thing.
It's not anxiety.
It's excitement.
Promise me you'll come tomorrow night.
Who am I kidding? I I won't be able to stop myself.
It will be a night to remember.
Okay.
I'm gonna hold you to that.
Yeah, I'll rush over as soon as Wolfe leaves for boxing.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, my God! Chef Alan's cheating! Oh, my God.
Mr.
Wolfe boxes? Unless that's gay slang.
Okay, after watching today's practice, it's clear to me you know little if anything about the game.
I don't mean to be harsh, but there is no way you are going to win.
George, take that back.
Failure is not an option.
It's one of my top three most hated things, right behind decorated denim and pinheads.
Well, I'm sorry, but you can't have a T-ball team that doesn't know how to play T-ball.
Will you help us? I really don't want to get involved in this feud between you and Noah.
But how are we supposed to settle it fair and square when our team is at a distinct disadvantage, on account of me not knowing jack squat about T-ball? You got a point.
Plus, I'm your girl.
You can't just left another man take a dookie on my dignity.
Dallas, all right.
If I agree to help you out, we've gotta focus on the fundamentals, not the fun.
Sure! That sounds like fun.
What? No, it's not.
Right.
What I meant was, it sounds like a real good time.
It's not gonna be a good time.
It's gonna be lots of work.
But in the end, the hard work will pay off when we defeat Noah Werner, and that'll be fun.
Look, I know some of you are disappointed.
You you miss Dallas' way of doing things, and you miss your sparkly uniforms.
But those uniforms were hurting us.
- Mine didn't hurt.
- It did, Kevin.
You just didn't know it did.
My name's not Kevin.
It's Kevuel.
I'm Kimantha's brother.
Okay.
Gang, to win, we're gonna have to look and act normal, like professional T-ball players.
So from this point on, Kevuel's gonna be "Kevin," and all of us are gonna focus on fundamentals.
We're gonna work on our fielding, we're gonna work on our hitting, and we're gonna work on building a winning team if that's okay.
Is that okay? I said, is that okay?! Yeah, it's okay, George.
But can we still do our fancy runs? No.
No! No fancy runs.
But our fancy runs show the other team our individuality! - Yeah! - No.
No, Nicole.
No, our fancy runs show the other team we have no idea what we're doing.
All right, guys.
Let's get to work! Grab your mitts! Get out there! Let's go! Keep it up! Keep it up! There you go! Let's go! Let's go! Keep 'em goin'.
Come on! Come on! Push it! Push it! Push it! Come on! Push it! Uhh! All right, guys.
Here we go.
Let's hit some balls.
Uhh! Uh not bad.
Not bad.
Good cut.
Good cut.
Okay.
Gotta you gotta look at the ball.
Hey.
Okay.
Hey! Come on now! Come on! Focus up, guys.
Focus up.
Eye on the ball! Watch the ball go all the way into your glove.
Here we go.
Here it comes.
Ooh! Oh! K Kev! Stay in front of those! Jenni could've gotten that one.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Nothing.
You mean because I'm a girl? No.
No, I mean because you're not good.
I'm tired.
Do you have any frozen treats? Frozen treats?! What?! I'm your coach.
I'm not the ice cream man.
I don't even think this jackass has a juice box on him.
- Yeah, and he's sexist.
- Okay, you know what? It'd be sexist if I didn't tell you the truth.
Ugh! - Okay, she's angry.
Good! - I quit! That's good! We can use that anger! George, I think you're losing 'em.
I'm not losing them.
I'm I'm breaking them.
And then I'm gonna rebuild them! Oh! You mean like Jill Werner did with her premarital hook nose? Kind of.
Stand up, guys.
Come on! Stand up! St I'm I'm gonna hit it either way! He really is boxing.
That is not gay slang.
Punch with your legs, not your ovaries.
Mr.
Wolfe, what are you doing? I'm training the next middleweight champion of the world.
What are you doing? There is so much we don't know about his private life.
Mr.
Wolfe, I really need to talk to you.
You might wanna sit down for this.
It's worse than I thought.
Chefs Alan and Norman are having an affair.
Worst time to put water in someone's mouth.
You n practically drowned me.
- There ya go.
- Lisa and I overheard them planning a hookup in the cafeteria.
I wouldn't say anything unless I was 100% sure.
Some of us are a little shy of 100%.
Some of us are hovering around 12%.
He told me he was just going over to Chef Norman's to watch the Oscars.
Yeah? Did he? Then why didn't he invite you to go with him? He knows that I've boycotted the Oscars every year since the soul-crushing tragedy of '93.
What that the year And the nominees are Judy Davis, Joan Plowright, Vanessa freakin' Redgrave.
And the Oscar goes to Marisa Tomei for "My Cousin Vinny.
" That was the homosexual O.
J.
verdict.
So that's why they didn't invite him.
Maybe they really are having an Oscar party.
Yeah.
No, maybe they are.
In their pants.
Hope you don't mind.
I let myself in.
Noah! Jeez! What the heck? You trying to give me a heart attack? - I might ask you the same thing.
- Wow! What is with the new 'do Mufasa? Oh, ho ho ho ho! Oh, you're hilarious George.
You should open for Louis C.
K.
- Really? You think I'm ready? - Oh, absolutely.
I I think he'd be lucky to have you Once he hears that great joke about you helping Dallas defeat me.
Is this about T-ball? Is that what this is? Yes.
That's what this is.
Look at you with a whistle around your neck.
You disgust me.
I thought that you were Crockett and I was Tubbs! I thought that you were Tango and I was Cash! I thought that you were Dunston and I had checked in! - Sorry? - You haven't seen that movie? It's about this monkey and this hotel.
They're best friends! Yeah, but the only thing you wanna check into anymore is your girlfriend.
Okay, Noah, listen to yourself.
Okay, look at your hair! This war between you and Dallas has to stop.
I'm begging you.
Settle it on the T-ball field and then move on with your lives.
She's taken everything from me, George.
Everything.
And now I'm gonna take everything from you, starting right there.
Ah, ha ha ha! Ha! Whoops! Mine now.
Oh, hope you don't make any spills.
Huh? Really? You're gonna take my smoke detector? Oh, yeah! I'm taking everything.
Everything! I feel weird.
We didn't even fill out an Oscar ballot.
Since it's not a real Oscar party, it doesn't matter.
How can you be so sure? Look, I know sometimes it's hard to confront things in our relationships we don't want to, but if Chef Alan is not being honest with you, don't you wanna know? Oh, thank God! Look, "Ask Tessa," it's just boring old Alan sitting on the couch.
For a moment, we thought you were What's that? Uh, what's what? That thing.
And the award for best original tongue kiss goes to Oh.
Uh On the bright side, this takes the whole sting out of the Marisa Tomei incident.
All right, buddy! Good hit! Good swing, man! Whoo! Way to go! Way to make it to the filthy pillow! Look, George, they're doing it! We're gonna beat him to a bloody pulp! Oh, yeah.
What the hell was that, Seth?! Oh, I actually hate you right now.
I hate you outside of the game.
Not as a first baseman, as a person! - You guys suck! - What's your problem? You stink! You're a bunch of hacks! Losers! Losers! Dallas, I think I was wrong.
Sweep the leg! Whoa.
No, don't sweep anything.
- Look at these kids.
- You guys stink! - I ruined them.
- You guys suck! You were right.
They they should be playing for fun.
They should be playing for wristlets and and fancy runs and frozen treats.
Those things would've cost us our victory.
We can win this, George.
Sweep the leg! Fine.
Sweep the leg.
Sweep the leg if you care more about winning than you do about humanity.
Sweep the leg if you want this petty rivalry to own your soul.
- Sweep the leg if - You heard him! Sweep the leg! No.
No.
Ow! Visitors disqualified! The dental decay sluggers win! - Yeah! - Boom! Yeah! Oh, man.
Well done! - You had to know.
- What? You had to know that your kid would be disqualified for cobra kai'ing my third baseman.
And I know why you did it.
Ow! - You did it for me.
- N no.
Noah, I didn't do it for you.
I tried very hard to stop it, actually.
No.
I know you did.
You did everything you could.
I would do the same thing for you, buddy any one of these kids.
You just say the word.
Thanks? Which kid, though? I need to know which kid.
Unless you want me to pick.
Just remember you're the reason we won this game.
I don't know what came over me.
And it's not like playing dirty helps.
We lost! Did we? Yes.
I checked the scoreboard to make sure.
No, I meant in a bigger sense.
Yeah, I know.
We lost in a bigger sense, too.
Poor sportsmanship, ugly, ugly costumes, and we injured a boy.
Yes, but we learned an important lesson which means we won.
George, you're looking on the bright side.
- You got that from me.
- Ow! Oh! Oh! Well, I can't unbreak his leg, but I can unbreak this feud with Noah Werner.
Wait.
You can unbreak it? That means the feud's back on.
You wanna break it, not unbreak it.
- Right? - Mm-hmm.
Great job out there.
Sometimes doing the right thing still feels wrong.
There's nothing a 2-day old gingersnap can't fix.
How about adultery? "Ask Tessa" knew it all along.
I wish she was wrong, but she just never is.
No, not when it comes to other people's problems.
Are we off me already? What are you trying to say, Lisa? I'm trying to say that, sometimes it's easier to diagnose other people's problems than your own.
There's no such thing as a 3-day away game? There is no such thing as a 3-day away game.