Suburgatory (2011) s02e15 Episode Script

Leaving Chatswin

Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night, and just walk around the house for hours.
You're gettin' old.
The older we get, the less we sleep.
I sleep 45 minutes a night now, tops.
Ser seriously, Marty? You you only sleep for 45 minutes a night? Tops.
And how long do you spend in the steam? I try to get anywhere between eight and ten hours.
I'm gonna get a smoothie.
You know, Marty, I'm realizing, I don't know much about you.
It seems like all our exchanges are limited to you telling me to shut the steam room door.
Well have a great day.
I've worked the same job, lived in the same house, and ate the same breakfast every day for the past 50 years.
The the same breakfast? Corned beef hash and eggs.
And I've worn the same shirt every damn day a solid Oxford button-down.
And I never set one foot outside of Chatswin.
You're kidding.
I'm not a kidder.
Y wh why not? Oh, my parents never joked.
No, no.
Why didn't you ever leave Chatswin? Didn't you I don't know, ever want to travel or Of course I did, but I had to wait for the right time, George.
I've got 3,000 vacation days saved up and a closet full of non-Oxfords.
Prints, plaids, Hawaiians some real whimsical (Bleep).
This time next year, I'll be exploring the great wide open.
That that sounds great, Marty.
The best years of my life are ahead of me.
There's nothing you coulda done, buddy.
Marty is schvitzing in the big steam room in the sky now.
George wasn't the only one who had blindsided.
I can't believe Ryan lied to me.
And you're just as guilty.
You let me believe that he was at an away game instead of wherever he was.
Tessa, when you first started dating my brother, you put me in a very awkward place.
You think you know somebody.
You wear their letterman jacket.
You put your tongue on top of their tongue and you move it around, only to find out that they are a lying liar who lies their lies directly to your face.
Look, I know how you feel.
I experienced the same sense of betrayal when I found out the real deal about high fructose corn syrup.
I mean, sugar is sugar.
Am I right? Javier! Is that what I think it is? If you think it's chocolate cake, then yes.
Otherwise, no.
I specifically asked for no chocolate cake.
Marty hated chocolate cake.
He did? I thought he loved chocolate cake.
Well, hold on.
Now you've got me second-guessing myself.
Did he love chocolate cake? You know what? Now I'm backpedaling.
I love chocolate cake.
Maybe I just assumed Marty did, too.
Well, it's not like we can ask him.
Maybe I should just take the cake home and enjoy it with my family.
I think we both know he wouldn't have wanted that.
Why don't we just set it right Oh, hash and eggs.
What's that buddy? Oh, nothing.
It's just, we should have had corned beef hash and eggs.
It was Marty's favorite.
It was? I didn't know that.
Sometimes you don't know people as well as you think you do.
You're not allowed in here unless you have a penis.
Then what's your excuse? Burn.
Shut up, Jason.
You pee sitting down like a girl.
I'm pooing, you idiot.
It doesn't sound like you're pooing to me.
'Cause I'm on antibiotics.
Okay, maybe this isn't the best place - to get into this.
Oh, hold on.
- Hold on.
Tessa, wait.
Tessa, wait.
Just let me explain.
I'm sorry I lied about where I was, but it's not my fault.
I'm being pursued.
Oh, let me guess.
Some stupid cheerleader or that foreign exchange student with the braless perkies? What? No, Tessa.
I'm not being pursued by girls.
Well, I am, but that's not what I was off doing.
I'm being pursued by colleges for football.
I mean Oh! That's great.
Why did you lie to me about that? I wasn't sure how you'd feel about me going away.
Well, give me some credit, Ryan.
So how do you feel? I feel great about it.
I mean, I'm I'm fine with it.
Of course you're going away.
I'm going away, too.
That's what kids do.
They go away to college, right? Ryan had obviously been thinking about his future without me.
Maybe it was time I started preparing for a future without him.
You guys, can you guys seriously shut up? I'm, like, seriously about to get started, you guys.
Marty's dead.
isn't it rich? isn't it it great? Are we a pair? Isn't it rich? Me here at last on the ground you in midair Marty in midair - Psst.
- Hmm? How do you like my tribute acrylics? bring in the clowns they're already here don't bother here Okay! Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you, uh, Dalia, for a beautiful rendition of a song that I I think Marty would've wanted you to stop singing.
Marty was mishpucha to me.
Okay, thank you.
Friends We've gathered here to celebrate the life of a great man, of a kind man, a caring man.
But first, a little housekeeping.
Um, Kathy Greenspan misplaced a pearl earring.
So let's all keep an eye out for that.
A last-minute reminder, the pool reopens next week.
And speaking of strokes, let's get back to Marty's memorial.
Nothing? Okay.
It's a tough crowd.
While country club members were saying good-bye to an old friend, I was connecting with a new one Noah's daughter Jenna.
Yeah, the long-distance thing doesn't work.
Trust me.
Tried it my first year at Brown.
Really? And besides, as soon as you get out of Chatswin, you're gonna have a whole new perspective.
Hey, guys.
Tessa, I want you to meet two more Chatswin refugees.
Colette goes to Sarah Lawrence.
And Bastian goes to Columbia.
Oh, cool.
I'm probably gonna look at Columbia.
What'd you say your name was? Tessa.
Uh, Marty's postal worker wow.
I had no idea.
Marty didn't receive many parcels.
Um, now let's hear from the man who knew Marty best.
Uh, his best friend and closest confidant, his bestie Mr.
George Altman.
Come on up here.
Oh! What? Come on.
His bestie? I barely knew the guy.
What do you want me to say? Look, this is pathetic, George.
I can't have a postal worker eulogize Marty.
Tell that story.
The story you told me earlier, the great one about the corned beef hash.
What great story, that he used to eat it? That's the one.
Look, I would do this myself except that I'm too emotional.
I'm still grappling with my loss of Carmen.
The loss of Carmen? Noah, your housekeeper didn't die.
She's just working for another family.
A part of me died when she left.
Just come on.
Okay, go.
Hi, George! Well, uh, what can I say about Marty? I know what he liked to eat for breakfast.
I know how much he loved to steam.
But the truth is I didn't know Marty.
I guess none of us did.
And as as touching as Dalia's tribute was I'm not sure they ever even met.
We didn't.
The fact that we didn't know Marty that might be the biggest tragedy of all.
- Here.
- What's this? It's Marty.
The club wants you to have him.
Me? Of all the people who didn't know him, you didn't know him the least.
Oh, come on.
There's gotta be a more meaningful final resting place for Marty than with me.
Perhaps, but no backsies.
Uh, o okay.
Seriously, no backsies.
Did she break up with you? It was hard to tell.
Well, did she say, "I don't want to go out with you anymore"? Not with her words.
Hey, maybe I should defer for a year and stay in Chatswin.
Then I can apply to whatever school she's going to, and we can be together.
That's not gonna work.
Yeah, Tessa's gonna attend a school that values a curious mind, creativity, hard work, intellect.
Whereas, you're most likely going to attend the university of Florida.
Damn, this perfect body! Life would be so much simpler if I were soft and misshapen like you, Lisa.
The lord has given you a gift.
You have a perfect body.
That's your cross to bear.
Mine's that I'm a lady in the street and a freak in the bed.
Midday to you, George.
Really? Is it midday already? It sure is.
How about a little afternoon delight? D Dallas, please.
Marty is right here.
Hey, Marty.
Did he say "hey" back? He doesn't communicate through me.
I'm just in charge of his ashes somehow.
Well, should we take Marty's ashes to a movie? I don't know.
Frankly, I have no idea where Marty would want his ashes to be.
This this whole thing is weighing on me.
I mean, I'm in charge of his final resting place? Me? I I don't know where he'd want to rest.
Well, how about the club? It was his favorite place to be.
You could leave Marty's ashes in his locker.
I feel weird about this.
We're breaking into a dead man's locker.
Yeah, but we have the dead man here with us, and he's cool with it.
You're cool with it, aren't ya, Marty? Did he say he was cool with it? He doesn't speak through me.
Break it.
Mm! Yeesh.
Foot powder, tooth powder, medicated powder who knew that Marty was a man of this many powders? And now ironically, he himself is a powder.
You know what? I I don't feel comfortable with this.
I can't believe there wasn't anyone in his life that he was close to.
Check it out.
What? Bora Bora.
Well done, Mr.
And there's a second ticket.
A second ticket? You know what that means.
You and I are going to Bora Bora! - No.
- No? No, it means there was someone in Marty's life.
Someone he wanted to travel with.
Someone that would know what to do with Marty's ashes.
And that someone is Fatima Smadja.
Well, what a pleasant surprise.
What brings the Shay train ambling through the Jarrison Station today? Can I ask you a question? So long as it's not about the trial.
If someone gives you a gift, does it mean you have to keep it? Well, it depends.
Who's the gift from? The lord.
I see.
And did you keep the receipt? What? It was easy to imagine my life without Ryan.
Too easy.
So should we go to the Ingmar Bergman retrospective or check out the Matisse exhibit at the Met? Let's do both.
It was inevitable.
Ryan and I were destined for different things, and it was only a matter of time.
But it wasn't that time.
Not yet.
Ryan! I'm so glad to see you.
Tessa, I don't wanna scare you off by bringing up the "L" word, so I'm just gonna say that I love you.
I'm in love with you, and I love loving you.
Which "L" word were you talking about? Leaving.
For college.
Crap! I wasn't I wasn't gonna say that word, but you don't have to worry.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna let my perfectly chiseled physique come between us.
I'm gonna stay here in Chatswin and I'm gonna get fat with you.
No, Ryan, I can't let you jeopardize everything you've worked for just because the two of us are dating.
I already jeopardized it.
I jeopardized the hell out of it so we could be together.
What does that mean? Ryan did you do something stupid? I think we both know the answer to that.
Excuse me.
We're looking for a Fatima Smadja? Thank you.
- Fatima? - I'm on break.
Uh, Fatima, I'm sorry, but we have some sad news.
I'm afraid it's Marty.
He's passed away.
Who? M Marty? This old guy? Bald? Frowned a lot? Came in here every day for the last 50 years? You just described 90% of my customers.
Well, it must've been some other Smadja that was slingin' Marty's hash and eggs.
Hash and eggs? Hash and eggs died?! Oh, no, not hash and eggs! Why, lord? Hash and eggs was a good man.
I'm sorry.
But the good news is, I am able to reunite you two lovebirds.
Lovebirds?! What the hell you talking about? Hash and eggs never spoke two words to me other than "check, please.
" But he bought this ticket for you.
He wanted to travel with you.
Well, he should've made his move.
I might've taken hash and eggs up on it.
But now it's too late.
He's dead.
And the lunch rush is about to start.
Hold on.
Is there a soup that we should know about? You know what? Here.
I think Marty would've wanted you to have these.
I don't suppose you'd want to take Marty with you? I would, but I feel like they might give me trouble in customs.
They probably will.
W wait, wait.
At least let me say thanks.
Mmm! Mwah! That was way way more erotic than it should've been.
Well Good-bye, Fatima.
Good-bye, hash and eggs.
What a sad ending to a sad story.
He really didn't have anyone who cared about him.
Yeah, he did.
Yeah, he did.
Who? Hello? Oh, thank God! This is Tessa.
Just kiddin' around, silly.
I'm not here to take your call, but if you leave your nombre, hombre, I'll get back to you.
Yes, hi.
Uh, this Tessa Altman.
I'm Ryan Shay's girlfriend.
And I know he asked you to hobble him recently, but he's changed his mind.
He would like to maintain full use of his body, so please don't do anything to jeopardize it.
Copy that and call off the hit.
I think we're good.
Oh, lord, please forgive me! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! No, I'm good.
It's really weird.
It's actually hurtin' my hand.
It's like, mm, really in pain, actually.
Well, uh, you two have a nice night, and I'm sorry I couldn't help you out with your problem.
I left you a message saying that he changed his mind.
Oh, I don't check my messages, sweetie.
Well, you were right there in the bushes.
You had to hear me leave the message saying he didn't want you to do it.
I heard what now? Never mind.
Will do.
Oh, wait.
Before I forget, next week, I'm running a sale at the photo shop.
All the wallet-sized prints are gonna be half-off.
You want a wallet-sized of me to look at while you're off at college? Mm, no.
I want a life-sized of you.
Well, you have one right here.
Aah! Wow! Still good.
- Oh, dang! - Yeah.
I really didn't wanna let you down, Ryan.
We said we called it off.
Hmm? Mm? What's this? I feel really bad that I lied to you, Tessa, about where Ryan was, so I made you this apology cake.
It looks delicious.
Oh, it's not.
My mom stopped keeping sugar in the house, so I had to use cumin.
So I guess I'm sorry about two things.
Did you hear my clown song at Marty's funeral? Uh, y yeah.
It was partly about us.
I can't really see.
Marty's death got me thinking, Evan.
And in this crazy, meshuggah world, you've have to be a shmendrik not to know your b'shert when you meet them.
Dalia, did you learn yiddish for me? I don't care if your abba has an aneurysm.
I want you.
You're so turned on right now.
If you don't occasionally journey outside your comfort zone, then your life isn't much of a journey.
Now you finally took that trip outside of Chatswin.
You know what? Let Marty be a lesson to us.
At my memorial buffet, I want them to say, "George Altman now that guy lived.
" He knew what he wanted and he went after it.
No, you're right.
You have to go after what you want in life.
Otherwise, what's the point? I'm in love with Carmen.