Suburgatory (2011) s02e16 Episode Script

How to Be a Baby

George didn't love shrinks.
But he also knew when he was in over his head, and such was the case when Noah announced his undying love for Carmen.
Great.
And Uh, C Carmen wrestling a snake.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Carmen as a butterfly making love to a dragon's face.
Al Jarreau.
Wait, wait, wait.
Al Jarreau straddling Carmen.
Fantastic.
Oh.
Are you writing a prescription? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Okay.
Hey.
How how how is he? The man is obsessed, quite frankly, with Carmen, his former housekeeper.
I knew it.
I knew it.
This is a mess.
He thinks he's in love with her.
But he's not.
It's a midlife crisis, and it is incredibly common, and it will pass.
Okay.
You sure? - It's classic caregiver transference.
- Uh-huh.
Triggered, perhaps, by being married to an icy, strident, self-important, castrating W.
A.
S.
P.
So you've met Jill? I've met everyone.
Right.
Well, there there's gotta be something I can do.
Well, there is.
Keep his mind off of Carmen - and redirect those thoughts.
- Mm-hmm.
Introduce some fun new hobbies, great food, perhaps.
I know this fantastic place for baklava, if he partakes in something like that.
You may also want to employ a little light smack talk.
Offer up some disparaging remarks about Carmen.
Hmm.
Will that work? It may.
For example, um "Carmen isn't even that pretty.
" Or, "if you ask me, Carmen isn't too pretty.
" Or, "there are a lot of other girls out there" Aah! Passion, when expressed non-violently, - can be beautiful.
- Noah! But just because you're passionate about something, doesn't necessarily mean that others share your passion.
Oh, Tessa, just look how the sunlight kisses each crystal and sends all those refractions just flyin'.
Oh, isn't it just a thing of wonder? Tessa, do you or do you not feel like you're doing the rumba inside a rainbow? Oh.
Yeah.
Totally.
Sorry, Dallas.
I'm just really stressed about this whole college thing.
I mean, watching Ryan go through it, I can't stop thinking about next year.
My grades are fine, but I'm not sure that's enough anymore.
I need to be more impressive.
Impressive? Tessa, you're very impressive.
After all, how many high school students can boast to being named senior vice president of prismatic affairs at a crystal cup of crystals? I don't think the schools I'm looking at are gonna care about that.
I I need a credential with more substance.
Dallas, may I post a flyer in your shop window for my book signing? As you may recall, I'm a published author.
And as such, I find my readers really do relish the opportunity for face time.
Excuse me, Mrs.
Werner.
I'd be happy to post flyers for you around town, or help you with anything else you may need.
- Interning for a published author - Which I am.
Would look really good on my college application.
An intern.
What a novel idea.
Pun intended, constructed, and delivered impeccably.
You'll start at once.
You don't mind, right, Dallas? I mean, it's been pretty slow around here.
I'm sure you can manage without me.
Manage? Don't be silly.
A monkey could do this job.
Oh.
Absolutely.
That's what I've always said.
I'll just go ahead and place an ad for part-time help at the zoo.
Sensational.
Tessa, you're hired.
You have the job.
And I use that term loosely, because there is no pay.
- Understood.
- I'm tough, but not fair.
Mr.
Wolfe? What are you doing? Oh, Dalia, don't mind me.
Since Chef Alan adulterated our relationship, I've decided to throw out absolutely everything that reminds me of him.
Which is absolutely everything.
What about the microwave? What about the microwave? Doesn't the microwave remind you of Chef Alan? Not really.
But the microwave cooks food, and so does Chef Alan.
No, I see your point.
You should throw out your microwave.
Okay.
I know.
It's just I use my microwave a lot.
Yeah.
And besides, Mr.
Wolfe, getting rid of all your stuff isn't gonna make you feel better anyway.
It isn't? Well, what is? - Mmm! - You like it? I love it! Almost as much as I love Don't say it.
Come on.
Don't don't even say her name.
You need to wipe every thought She was good at wiping stuff.
Noah She was.
She wiped everything.
My counters, my windows, and you should have seen the way she polished a knob.
She loved it.
It wasn't a chore.
She was greedy for it.
Hmm.
She was a sorceress.
A playful sorceress.
She invented this great game where she would disappear into thin air.
And the moment that Opus and I began to get nervous, she would reappear! It was a miracle.
It was peek-a-boo.
It was pure magic.
I'm trying to help you here, Noah.
You're a married man.
My body may be married.
But my soul it runs free, through the night, into the thicket, where warm Carmen awaits, in the damp, salty night air.
Hey! You need to stop indulging this fantasy and move on.
- Move on? - Yes.
Ever since Carmen left, I haven't been able to sleep.
I haven't been able to eat.
Really? Seem seems like you're doing just fine with the baklava.
Yeah, well, this happens to be delicious.
As you can see, I moved my desk in here, on the front lines.
This allowed me to observe my subject in its natural habitat.
- Tessa, I beg you.
- Sorry.
In any case, the more I studied the baby, the more I realized he has no idea what he's doing.
Babies are born into this world with their heads up their diapers.
They have no idea how to be a baby.
Hence my latest book.
"How to be a baby: You're out, now what?" Wow.
How brave of you to target a demographic that doesn't read.
You know what? They'll never learn if you coddle them, Tessa.
Never.
Now as my intern, your main duty is to nurture and support my creative process and to count out my daily nutritional allotment of almonds.
Six almonds.
No more, even if I beg.
You are not to give me a single almond over six.
Think I can handle that.
That's only because you've never seen me beg.
Six almonds.
- What if I'm starving? - So what? Six almonds.
Bravissima.
Oh, wait a minute.
It actually says here serving size is seven almonds.
So let's make it seven almonds.
"Seven almonds.
" Got it.
Add one more almond to the pile, and we're all set.
Coming right up.
Thank you, Tessa.
Aah! You imbecile.
You gullible, malleable fool.
I just tricked you into giving me another almond.
I tricked you! You have to be ready.
- But - Butts are for people who eat more than six almonds in a sitting.
And as you can see from my butt, that ain't me.
Pun intended.
So that's why he's been so upset over Carmen leaving? I had no idea Noah is in love with Carmen.
Okay, okay.
Da Dallas, not a not a word to anyone.
And you cannot say anything to Jill.
I can't imagine how she'd feel.
Or if she'd feel.
Jill tends to resist feeling.
For instance, she felt nothing when she stole your daughter from my employ.
Okay, well, I think I think Tessa thought that was a good opportunity.
Hey, as rewarding as the crystal field has been for you, it's probably not where she sees herself in five years.
No? I guess she sees herself residing in the frigid, flaky recesses of Jill Werner's tailpipe.
Wow.
You really paint a picture.
But truthfully, that coldness, I think, is part of the problem.
I mean, Carmen she was warm with Noah.
I know.
She's the best.
She's numero uno.
Yeah, but the timing.
I mean, they have a new baby.
They have to stick together.
Right, and it's not exactly like Carmen's expressed the same feelings towards him.
Since she's been here, she has not mentioned Noah's name once.
Noah? If I may ask, how is he? - Oh.
Uh, he's he's good.
- He's good.
- He's doing real good.
- Real good.
Please give this to him for me.
He always forgets to wipe down the touch screen of his phone.
It tends to get so greasy.
I I will see that he gets this.
Thank you.
On a lighter note, I pulled three handfuls of yellow wig hair from the drain in the downstairs bath.
I'll talk to Dalia.
He needs a new look, one that says, "you cheated on me, you're a cheater, drop dead, you homosexual cheater.
" But without losing a lot of length.
How about some daring magenta tips? Ooh, like that.
But do daring magenta tips say, "I hope you stop breathing in your sleep"? Mm, no.
But they do say, "I'm fun.
You're not.
I hope you get S.
A.
R.
S.
" 'Kay.
This is exciting.
No, Mr.
Wolfe.
This is war.
Okay.
I stuffed your face in all these envelopes, cubed your bedtime gouda, and ordered refill bags for the diaper genie.
Is there anything else you'd like me to do before I head out? Tessa, why did you take this internship working for me? It's funny.
I was actually just asking myself the same question.
I think I know the answer.
I think that there's a part of you that dreams of one day being a published author.
You know, maybe you're Of course I'm right.
Which is why I'd like to give you a little creative writing assignment.
Really? That's great.
I mean, thank you.
You are very welcome.
So what's the assignment? I'd like you to help Opus write a review for my new book.
Wait, what? It'll take a little creativity on your part, and a willingness to try on his.
Don't think I understand.
He will speak without words, and you will listen without ears.
I have ears.
Then you heard how poetic that sounded.
Let me get this straight You want me to ask Opus what he thought of your book, and then transcribe his incoherent babbling Into a review that you post on Amazon.
If there's another printing, it may even wind up on the jacket.
I'll be your first published piece, and my first five-star review.
How do you know Opus is gonna give you five stars? He connects with the material.
See for yourself.
And I just thought some fresh air and a new hobby, like tapping syrup, would help get your mind off of Tapping Carmen? I get it.
You're a good friend.
Well, I'm just trying to look out for you, man.
I can tell you from experience, the single parent thing is not easy.
And neither is marriage, but you can't just bolt when things get hard.
- No.
You're right.
- Yeah.
My place is in Jill Werner's bony, punishing arms.
Besides, if Carmen felt the same, she would have reached out by now.
Some small gesture, but she hasn't.
Yeah.
L let's go home.
- Yeah? - Let's take our sap, run it through the reverse osmosis filter, boil it, evaporate it, bottle it and then go home.
My only question is, is it gay enough? Absolutely.
I think it's naughty.
It is.
Thank you guys for the pick-me-up.
I really needed it.
Where do I pay? You don't pay.
Chef Alan pays.
Actually, he does pay.
Fine.
You pay, and then Chef Alan pays.
This is only phase one, Mr.
Wolfe.
Phase one? You look better, but you don't feel better.
And in order to feel better, you need to make Chef Alan feel worse.
You need to find his sad button and his mad button, and push them both like, 15 times in a row.
How do you know all this? Dalia, did someone break your What's that noise? She's crying.
Crying? Are you sure? There are no tears.
Yeah.
She taught herself to dry cry years ago to avoid ruining her makeup.
It'll run its course.
It often stops just as suddenly as Do you guys wanna get Sushi? "The only thing that stinks more than this book is my diaper.
All the wipes in the world won't freshen up this turd.
Signed, Opus Werner.
" Throwing Opus under the bus, aren't ya? Uh, I'd like to think Opus and I are of the same mind on this.
Well, it sounds like somebody has mastered how to be a baby.
It's not me.
It's her.
Jill Werner is the most vapid, self-obsessed narcissist I have ever met.
Well, nobody's perfect.
Why are we eating syrup? Well, I didn't get the Greens.
You want some on your Greens? - The Greens? - Yeah.
No, dad, I don't.
We can choose to bask in the negativity because somebody had a bad day at the office, or we can happily guzzle the sweet, Amber fluid of the lord.
There.
Now it's on your Greens.
- George, the woman is a monster.
- Okay.
I honestly don't know how Noah stays married to her.
Part of me wants to slip him a note that says "run.
Run for your life.
" Please do not do that, because I have been working very hard to keep that from happening.
Look, I'll admit that Jill is not like most of the moms in Chatswin.
But she's a career woman.
I thought you of all people would appreciate that.
I thought you looked up to her.
I did, until I got to know her.
Have you seen how she conducts herself around a plate of almonds? Well, she's got a lot going on.
Have you ever written a body of work you were extremely proud of? I imagine it takes a lot out of you.
Oh, my God.
George, why are you defending her? And then I thought, my God, George, why are you defending her? And I realized that it's impossible for me to hear you talk about leaving without remembering what it felt like to be left.
I'm Jill.
I'm an unpublished Jill Werner, 17 years out.
Grim.
I wasn't being objective, or a good friend.
I I have no right telling you Look, don't beat yourself up, buddy.
Carmen and I weren't meant to be.
Like I said, if she felt anything for me, she would have reached out by now.
Yeah.
Well, that's the thing.
Where did you get this? From Carmen.
She asked me to give it to you, and I didn't, because I knew it.
I knew it.
She does care.
I am leaving my wife for Carmen! - Whoo-hoo! - Noah? Darling? Well, today's pain is tomorrow's best-seller.
Am I right? Sweets When your strike reaches its intended target, there's something bittersweet about the moment.
On the one hand, it's great to watch your tormentor fall.
On the other hand, watching them fall reminds you that they're human.
Jill I'm sorry about that.
I can't understand what went wrong with us.
I know how painful this must be.
Oh, I looked like a fool today.
Meaning I I think maybe Noah has been Noah? I'm talking about you.
I asked you to do one thing for me.
Craft a five-star ok review from my child's point of view.
- And what you - Hold on.
Are you really telling me that you're more upset about the book review I posted than you are about the end of your marriage? Look, Noah leaving me for Carmen is a real crap sandwich.
But you know something? It came on ciabatta.
What's this? You already started a new book? A new chapter.
Ahh.
Mm.
Maybe this one will be worth a damn.
And then it occurred to me no matter what I thought of Jill Werner, it would never be as bad as what Jill Werner thought of herself.
Hey, Dallas.
Tessa.
How are you doing? Have you climbed your way up the literary food chain and secured the college credential of your dreams? Actually I'd really like to come back and work for you, if you'll have me.
Well, I don't know, Tessa.
No college admissions director - is gonna look twice - I don't care.
Working for Jill might look better on paper, but she can't teach me anything about being a good person.
And who can, exactly? Okay, now you're just fishing.
Well, go on, let me catch something.
You, Dallas.
I can learn about being a better person from you.
Who? I like the way you say that.
Where is she? Carmen.
Carmen! In the bathroom! It better be number one, woman, 'cause I'm coming in.
This can't wait! Ahh! Mr.
Werner! Don't move a muscle, Carmen.
I want to remember you just like this.
It's going to cause a flood.
I don't care! Let it! Why didn't you contact me? I waited every day for you to contact me, and you never did! I wrote you 42 e-mails, one e-mail a day for 42 days.
What address did you use? The A.
O.
L.
one.
I don't check that account.
It's too late now.
It's over.
It's not over.
It's never over! What the hell?! I thought you said you missed me.
I miss working for you.
I'm sorry, but I only like you as a boss.
What about the chamois? It was for wiping things.
No.
No.
I won't go.
No, this is too easy, Carmen! I didn't fight for you last time.
I'm not gonna make the same mistake twice.
I have a lot of mopping to do.
Well, then, I'm gonna stand right here beside you, and I'm gonna watch you mop.
Well, I can't if you're in the middle of the floor.
Well, I have to show you that I'm not giving up on this.
Where do you want me to stand? I don't know.
On the toilet? Fine.
Just You're beautiful.