Suburgatory (2011) s03e01 Episode Script

No Me Gusta, Mami

Last season on "Suburgatory" Thanks to my high-school Nemesis, the last thing my boyfriend did before he left for college was dump me.
We're over.
After that, the punches flew, the animosity grew, and our parents decided they were moving in together.
I told my dad Dalia and I will never live under the same roof.
Never.
but his mind was made up, so I packed up and moved out.
But when dad's girlfriend decided at the last minute that she didn't want to make it official George, I can't.
I'm sorry.
George was left in the lurch, and I found myself looking for a new place to call home.
Alex.
Hi.
What are you doing here? I just Wanted to be around in case you ever Wanted me around.
For someone who was never around, my mom showed up at just the right time.
Hey.
It's George.
You've reached my cell.
Uh, leave me a message.
Hey, George.
It's Alex.
Listen.
I I need your help.
They say everything happens for a reason.
My fight with dad led to a reconciliation with mom.
And now that she was in Chatswin, I didn't even mind living here.
I had taken it upon myself to show my mother all the finer things that Chatswin had to offer.
Fro-yo delivery from the best joint in town! I took the liberty of going full gummies because, seriously, these are the best gummies What are you doing here? I know I'm I'm the last person you want to see right now.
Where is she? Where is she? This is this is what she does.
She leaves.
Your your mom, you know, she fights to push her way in, but then when she gets there, she panics.
And it's not fair.
And it's not right.
And I am not making excuses for her, believe me, because if there's anyone who understands how you feel, it's me.
And I wish somebody, a long time ago, would have told me that it has nothing to do with you.
I could have felt angry.
I should have felt betrayed, but it was weird.
At that moment, all I felt was grateful.
Grateful that my dad was there for me.
Come algo, mamacita.
Es el desayuno.
No me importa el desayuno.
Aloha, Dalia.
It is, as the Brady children once sang about so joyfully, a sunshine day.
How are you feeling this morning? Little better? How's that breakfast tasting? I sure do like your bolero.
Well, I think she's taking this whole breakup with George worse than me.
No hay nada peor que te.
What did she say? She said, "nothing's worse than you.
" I see.
No me gusta, mami.
What was that, Carmen? What does "no me gusta, mami" mean?! I see.
"Oye, ¿cómo va?" Carmen, why don't you take the rest of the day off? This was supposed to be my day off.
You said you needed me to work.
I canceled several doctors' appointments to be here.
No buts about it, mija! Dalia's gonna spend a little quality time with her mommy whether she likes it or not.
Not.
Suburgatory 3x01 - No Me Gusta, Mami Original air date January 15, 2014 Okay.
All right.
Wow.
Love what you haven't done with the place.
Nothing says home like cardboard boxes and, uh, no overhead lighting.
Well, I re-listed this place because it isn't home.
Okay, well, then where is? But that's actually something we need to talk about.
Was it my imagination or was dad about to say Chatswin Tessa.
It changed us.
It sucked up our street smarts, and it replaced them with with country-club memberships and and leather wallpaper.
This town cost us everything, and it it almost cost us each other.
I think I think Chatswin was a mistake.
There they were.
The words I'd been longing to hear.
Hearing dad denounce Chatswin was the sweetest sound I'd ever Hey, now.
Stop that.
That's rude.
Hey, now.
That is that is just rude.
W we're working on the growling thing.
He's not great with strangers.
This isn't a stranger, buddy.
This is your sister.
I'm his sister? Yeah.
Well, w we're we're a family now.
I gave him sandwich meat.
He gave me companionship.
We got each other through a pretty tough time.
Believe me.
Once you get to know him, he's just a big softie.
Really? 'Cause he looks like he wants to tear the flesh from my body.
I know, right? It's just a front.
He's gonna do great in New York.
See the attachment? Oh, I see the attachment.
He's a stray from two towns over.
Bit a volunteer at the shelter.
He was supposed to be put down.
And now he's roaming the streets of Chatswin.
Can you imagine what Scarsdale would say? They've got their own diet.
We've got feral dogs! - I can't.
- I can't.
Chatswin is on the verge of becoming a Hamlet.
A Hamlet.
Can you imagine how high that would drive home prices? The Hamlet high.
It's what every agent dreams of! Rye Brook would get a contact high.
Exactly! And I am not about to let some street rat bogart our real-estate blunt.
Fred! Where's my tranq gun?! Uh Ever since your brother left for college, I'm afraid your mother is even more herself than usual.
She's a scorpio, which means she channels her grief into rage.
Me, I'm a pieces, which means I mourn by reading Barbecue Enthusiast.
I want to assure you this is all very normal.
The two of us are simply navigating what they call "empty nest syndrome," so Right.
It's just, you know, the nest technically isn't empty.
Hmm? What was that? See, Dalia? Isn't running errands with your mommy more fun than being posted in the trap? - No.
- Now, after we see the accountants, I thought we'd take Yakult to the groomers, bleach our belvederes and grab a wetzel! Holy moly, Mrs.
Royce, you look like a million bucks.
Reel in that spending.
I can't! I won't.
Dalia, this is Lansky, Lansky, and Schulman, our accountants.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Hey, you guys.
So, can we get you ladies a cappuccino or some oxygen? Or some cappuccino-flavored oxygen? Oh, make mine a double, Lansky.
- Hmm.
- I haven't been sleeping much lately.
Last night I went down an Instagram rabbit hole and wound up looking at pictures of Tony Danza's grandchildren till 3:00 A.
M.
Would you look at that? That's the first time I've seen Dalia smile in weeks.
L.
O.
L.
, Schulman.
Perfect! Anything else we can do for you ladies today? Actually can I take these two old guys home with me? She can.
Do you guys know how to twerk? Okay.
Listen to this one.
"Cozy, prewar charmer.
" Look at that.
Mm.
That means it's a walk-up with no air-conditioning.
What? No, it does not, you cynic.
It means it has character.
It means it is the worst apartment in the whole, entire world.
- It's in East Village.
- Then it's already gone.
Speaking of, did you, uh, break the news to Lisa yet? I had been avoiding telling Lisa about us moving back to New York because I knew what she'd say.
I don't know, Tessa.
Switching schools your senior year? I'm the dean of admissions at Suny Purchase, and I'm thinking, "meth mom with a dumpster baby.
" Yeah, okay.
Well, luckily, Purchase isn't one of my top schools.
Vassar, I think, might have the same viewpoint.
I'm not going to Vassar.
Oh, of course not.
Too good for the local fare.
I suppose you'll end up going to the university of far, far away from my loyal friends.
- Lisa.
- Nope.
Listen.
Makes sense that you would walk away.
Genetically, you're predisposed to it.
What is that supposed to mean? Just you.
Your mom.
- How me?! - Tessa, come on.
It wouldn't be the first time.
When you got upset because your dad wanted to live with Dallas, what was the first thing you did? "Runaway"? Exactly.
I got to go.
See what I mean?! Wait for me! I said, "wait for me!" I'm sorry, Mr.
Altman.
With Ryan gone, my mom's been focusing all of her hysterical energy on this dog.
She says he's dangerous.
He ran away from the shelter.
They were gonna put him down.
Okay.
No no one's getting put down.
Look, we're out of here soon.
The three of us will just lay low until we figure out where we're going.
You can't lay low.
You're not Christine Lahti, Judd Hirsch and River Phoenix, are you? Well, are you? Calm down, Lisa.
There's too much heat on him.
My mother is going house to house.
Okay, so then we'll find some other place to hide him.
I mean, you won't say anything, right? You know I can't lie.
When I do, I release an odor.
It is a lying stench.
Sheila will be able to smell it from a mile away.
Okay, well then we need to be a mile away.
And you need to see a doctor.
I have.
They don't know what it is.
- Are you guys checking in? - Sure are.
Has he been here before? Um If not, I'm gonna need to know the name of vet and proof of vaccinations.
Oh, he's been here before.
- He's here tons.
- Mm-hmm.
- He is always here.
- Okay.
He was just here.
- And now here he is - Shh.
- again.
- Oh.
Well, I'm sure he's in our system then.
- Oh, I'm sure he is.
- Yeah.
Definitely.
- Definitely is.
- Right.
So name, please? - I'm Tessa.
- George.
And this is? This? - Buckles.
- Buckles is his name.
Really? Buckles? Oh, yeah.
There's got to be a buckles in this town.
Why do you think that? It's a really traditional name.
No, it is what? Rover is a traditional name.
Spot.
Let's see Buckles Munroe, Buckles Biederman, Buckles Weisman-Macomber, C.
Buckles Carlisle, Buckles Stuart Masterson, Buckles Elizabeth Mastrantonio we have about 50 dogs named Buckles in our system.
- Huh.
- Biederman.
Buckles Biederman that's that's our guy.
- Great! - Yeah.
Oh.
Okay, you guys have an outstanding balance of $863.
Cough it up, Mr.
Biederman.
How much? While Biederman sought refuge in doggy day care, Sheila continued her hunt to find him.
Now I misted the pavement with a homemade beef spray to entice him.
I'll tell you who is enticed me.
Bow wow wow, Mrs.
Shay.
The G.
I.
Jane look is doing it for me.
It is doing it.
Sorry, Fred.
Idyllic pre-hamlets do not have middle-aged couples fornicating in the bushes.
And they don't have stray dogs who bite.
And they don't have Rental signs! But this was your dream block.
Well, the dream is dead.
But this is prime Chatswin real estate.
We don't want renters on our street.
Tough tooters, I'm afraid.
What did you just say to me? I said, "tough tooters.
" We're moving, Sheila.
My baby hates this house, and so do I.
It has bad mojo.
Bad mojo? She's been night waking ever since we moved in.
Sometimes I walk by her bedroom at night.
She's just standing up in her crib, staring.
Leslie, come on! You don't vacate one of the safest pre-hamlets in the state just because you can't get your kid to sleep through the night! If this pre-hamlet is so safe, then why are you dressed in military fatigues and carrying a tranq gun? Sheila felt it all slipping away, everything she'd worked for.
And when control freaks lose control it isn't pretty.
Look, it's nothing personal.
I just think we'd be happier in Scarsdale.
You guys, you're doing it all wrong.
T that's not how you twerk.
Okay, there's no way you guys can go on tour with me.
Lansky, Lansky, and Schulman, will y'all be staying for dinner? You know, Lansky and I have families to get home to.
Schulman could.
Been trill.
That's fine.
It's not weird between us.
It's a little.
Here's an invoice for our time.
I think the little one likes you, mommy.
Dalia.
And he has a goatee, just like daddy Altman.
That was not a goatee.
If anything, it was a soul patch, and it may have just been something left over from lunch.
Get out of my room.
Look here, Dalia.
I said, "get out of my room!" I know that middle-aged accountant reminded you of a poor man's George Altman, and I know how disappointed I don't want to talk to you! You know, you may not want to talk to me tonight, and you may not want to talk to me tomorrow, and you may not want to talk to me the day after tomorrow or the day after that.
The following week, you may still not wish to talk to me.
And then I suppose the holidays could come and go without you really wanting to talk.
I'd be surprised if it carried through to graduation, but I suppose it could.
However, there's gonna come a time when you do indeed want to talk to me, and I'm here to tell you, when that fine day comes, I will be here.
Mommy.
Yes? Will you get the hell out of my room now? Yes.
Sheila.
Now that the kids are out of the house, any objection to me moving the cuisinart blades to a lower shelf? I don't care what you do, Fred.
Copy that.
He's eluded capture for too long.
There is no way that dog is working alone.
He must have a man on the inside.
Not necessarily.
Do you smell something? Not necessarily.
Oh, but I do.
Smells dirty.
And tangy.
Like tartar sauce in a potter's kiln.
That's your lying stench.
Lisa Marie Shay! You know something about that dog's whereabouts! Now crack a window and start talking! Now, so tomorrow morning, we will take Biederman into the city, see how he responds to Murray Hill.
You'd get more for your money in Brooklyn.
Whoa.
Sheila, you cannot just let yourself into our house.
I am a licensed real-estate agent.
I do what I please.
Okay, well, you are not taking this dog.
Do you understand me? If you want him, you have to go through me.
Okay.
O okay.
Mrs.
Shay, please listen to me.
I know this dog has made some mistakes.
I am not saying he hasn't.
And he makes a terrible first impression.
Comes off like a real jerk.
I know.
But the truth is this dog's a really great guy.
He was there for my dad when he needed him when I'd walked away.
So for that reason, um he is a member of our family.
And I know you of all people know how painful it is to watch your family walk away.
My Ryan.
My In a surprising turn of events, Sheila Shay and I actually had something in common.
Let me get this straight.
We had one foot out of Chatswin.
And you agreed to rent our old place from Sheila? Yeah.
And I also agreed to a $500 pet deposit and that we'd get the dog neutered.
Really? Wow.
So Sheila gets Biederman's balls, and I get to pay more for this place than when I owned it.
What were you thinking? I was thinking that some people in this family walk away too easily.
Well, you're not one of them.
I don't want to be like her, George.
- I want to be like - Hey.
I'm not perfect, either.
I think I proved that.
Come here.
So so you think this place really has bad mojo? Mm if it does, it's from us.
This time, we do not get sucked in.
Walk amongst them, but don't become them.
What? It's comfortable to sleep in.
When it comes to being left in the dust, I'm kind of a pro.
Boyfriends, moms I'd been left behind by the best of them.
I knew better than to listen to sad songs or to check my phone every two seconds to see if they had called because they didn't.
But if your light is on at 2:00 A.
M.
, and even one person checks to see if you're okay, you're okay.
I'm awake, dad.
Come in.
Of course, who it is that comes to check might just surprise you.
Hey.
It's you.