Suburgatory (2011) s03e02 Episode Script

Victor Ha

A lot can be learned about a family by their breakfast table.
After recently navigating out of a rough patch, George was determined to have our relationship go smoothly.
As a result, our breakfast table was set with guilt.
I should have made you something hot.
It's fine.
I like cereal.
I know, but I had time.
I'm better than this.
It's cool.
Why don't I make you a nice lunch to take to school? Because it's Friday and the cafeteria will be selling parmesan-crusted tator tots, which I will be buying a dozen of, like any self-respecting American.
I'm gonna make her a nice lunch.
Open! - Mnh.
- Open! Uh-oh! Look here, Dalia! I'm about to have a big old bite of your eggs carmenara! Mmm! Quick, you better have some before I finish it.
You can finish it.
Dalia, this hunger strike cannot persist.
Sorry, mommy.
Ever since you and daddy Altman broke up, I just haven't had an appetite.
Heed this, Dalia.
You will undergo nourishment, even if I have to ingest, digest, and straight retch this egg dish into your mouth like a ruby-throated hummingbird.
Now open.
Open! - Hmn-mnh.
- Dalia Open it! Lisa, call your brother.
On the phone? Don't be a wisenheimer.
Call your brother.
He's in Florida.
For the love of Pete, just call him! Ryan! Breakfast! And then, Fred, remember? He'd come bounding down those stairs like a Carolina clydesdale.
He loved to bound.
And how I loved watching him bound.
So glorious and graceful! Unlike this one.
She's like a crippled turtle.
Would it kill you to trot, lass? Is the occasional skip too much to ask? I have an idea.
Since apparently this house is n Nothing but a sad, lonely, childless vestibule that used to be filled with joy.
So why not plan a couple's retreat? Leave these hollow walls behind.
Ooh, not a bad idea.
You know, Dr.
Oz says after the kids move out, the genitals can often think they're no longer needed.
They can wither and die.
He would advise your mother and I to engage in rigorous sexual love-making to trick our genitals into staying robust.
So maybe a trip to the catskills.
Suburgatory 3x02 - Victor Ha Original air date January 22, 2014 Okay.
Hey! You looking for somebody? Yeah, do you know where Tessa is? Oh, you must mean Tessandra.
She's our new exchange student.
- No.
- Tessandra, your father's here.
My name's Susan.
She's just jiving.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Daddy Altman, you came for me.
Uh, hey, Dalia.
It's good to see you.
Thank you for saying that.
It's literally so good to hear you say that.
You're feeling exactly what I'm feeling, and by that I mean it's good to see you, too.
Well, I got to I know you and mommy hate each other now and I just want you to know I stand with you.
Okay, D Dalia, she and I don't You know, it's more complicated than that.
She had a totes eclipse of the heart, but I totes didn't.
I just wish things could go back to the way they were.
Yeah, well you know, I feel badly about how things ended, too.
I think I just got my appetite back.
Oh, well, when was the last time you ate? What day is it today? Right.
Um you know what? Here.
Is this a poor man's sack? It's a tuna-fish sandwich, if that's what you mean.
I made it for Tessa, but if you're starving - Pardon? - Thank you.
You're welcome.
Slow down.
- Okay.
- Mmm.
"Poor Little Bitch Girl," by Jackie Collins.
Belle Svetlana surveyed her nude image in a full-length mirror, readying herself for a $30,000-an-hour sexual encounter with the 15-year-old son of an Arab oil tycoon.
Ohh, an oil tycoon.
Her eyes were a spectacular emerald green.
- Ohh? - Her body a playground of delights.
- Ryan used to love the playground.
Remember? - "Yes," she thought.
Sheila! How can you think about Ryan when Svetlana is about to climb upon His package.
Do you think Ryan ever got his package? There were perishables in there.
It's been so warm.
- Usually, she did not go out - He got the package.
How can you be so sure? 'Cause we tracked it, Sheila.
It was delivered.
I know, but with those giant dorms, who knows if it got into Ryan's hands? Some backwater Floridian could be eating all of my homemade salted sesame shove 'ems! We've already spoken with him once today, Sheila.
You got to give the boy some space.
I know.
This was supposed to be a romantic weekend.
And it will be.
Just as Fred was about to give up and turn the car around, he saw it.
The one thing that might make a difference, just sitting there on the side of the road.
And I told Kimantha she was doing it wrong, but she wouldn't listen.
Hair feathers are super complicated.
And now she looks like a duck.
Well, you know, you tried to warn her.
Yeah, and she was all, "you're just jealous" "because I was the first person to start wearing hair feathers.
" And I'm all, "I guess you didn't see the photos from Hedonism II" "when I was totally wearing hair feathers all over the place.
" And she was all Don't let me stop you.
She's all what? - Hey, Tess.
- Hey, dad.
So weird to bump into you at my cafeteria hanging out with the girl who gave me a subcutaneous hematoma.
Do you mind? I'm still eating your lunch.
Actually, I do mind.
- I'm sorry.
- You don't have to apologize, daddy Altman.
But she was very, very hungry.
I eat your sandwich, Tessa.
Your daddy made it for you, but I eat it.
I see that.
And I drink your milk box.
I drink it all up.
See, George, this is why you don't bring lunch to Dalia Day-Lewis.
Who's that? I couldn't help but feel sorry for her.
She said she hadn't been eating.
That's because you don't need to eat when you are the world's biggest bitch.
The suffering of others is your breakfast.
Backstabbing is your lunch, and the tears of the innocent are your beverage.
Well, it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into Dalia's meal plan.
But I can't help but feel like she's, you know, crying out for help, like she needs someone.
Oh, well.
Too bad.
George, you may be too blind to see this, but she is just trying to get between us.
And you are feeding the beast.
And you were feeding her my tuna sandwich! Oh, Fred, look! I can also sing.
I want to know what love is I want you to show me Fred, this is amazing! I feel like a kid in a candy store.
How many can I have? Well, with, uh with our luggage and our travel games in the back, I I would say one comfortably.
Can I help you find what you're looking for? Um, yes! You don't happen to have any European models, do you? No, but we did get some new They're sleeping through the night and they won't last! - Ooh, you hear that? - What is your name? - Victor.
- And you help out here? When you get to be a certain age, you try to stay useful.
I see.
- Sheila, the 1-year-olds! - Fred, just a second.
Victor, do you like sports? Yes! Have you ever wrestled? Only all the time! And what about football? That's my favorite! And how would you describe your body? Above average? What do you think, Fred? Personally, I would have gone with a white one.
You're right.
Black seemed so appealing in the show room.
But in practice it's a little, "look at me," "I'm doing something different.
" Right.
All right.
Let's let's talk about the remodel.
What do you hope to achieve? Ooh.
I was inspired by this wonderful HBO movie.
Prior, I had only thought of my bathtub as a place to get clean without ever realizing the possibilities for entertaining friends, family, colleagues.
I think I think I know the movie you're talking about.
- Mm-hmm.
- You want something grand.
- The Grand Canyon.
- Something dramatic.
Cute little slut.
That means yes.
How do you feel about columns? A "Greek bath house" vibe.
George, you are speaking my language and speaking it fluently.
I'm so glad I took that referral.
Oh, I didn't know this was a referral.
- Who do I have to thank? - Mm, well And then Kimantha was all, "you photoshopped" "those hair feathers into those photos" "after you saw me wearing mine.
" - And I was all - Dalia.
You you did this? Now we can hang out here together, free from Tessa's judgment.
This is a "no judgment" space.
What happens in the bathroom stays in the bathroom.
Look, Dalia.
I'm sorry.
But I I can't use this renovation as a way of spending time with you.
But you said it was good to see me.
Remember? Isn't it good to see me? Look, if you work things out with Tessa, then maybe you and I could be friends.
But, until then, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to be all, "no.
" You're doing it wrong.
Did all the empty-nest talk hurt my feelings? Was I wounded when they refused to acknowledge my very existence? No.
Small price to pay, Tessa.
This is the first time in my whole entire life I've had this house to myself.
And you want to spend it sitting on the couch talking to me? That was not the intention.
No, it was not.
Oh that's my cue to leave.
Yeah, you best get to steppin' because, let it be known, I'm about to do surgery.
I need to prep this man for the O.
Oh, boy! Guess who's back early! We cut our romantic weekend short because we fell in love with Victor Ha! What the hell is this? This is your new brother Victor.
Victor, we forgot to mention we also have a daughter.
- Yeah.
- I love football! Of course you do.
How could they do this to me? I don't know.
He seems pretty sweet.
Probably bounced around a lot, huh? Poor guy.
Poor guy.
What about Malik? I was about to give his fine ass a transfusion.
You are really committing to this whole surgery sex-talk thing, huh? You absolutely have to.
Dallas just texted me to pick up my final paycheck.
What's weird about that? I haven't seen her since the break-up.
I hope it's not awkward between us.
Do you mind if I stop in? "See ya.
Wouldn't want to be ya.
" That's a '90s diss.
Hey! Dallas, that's a '90s diss.
So is your face! Did you just see that? Yeah.
That was weird.
But no weirder than a grown boy calling two perfect strangers "mommy" and "daddy.
" Did I tell you Victor did that? I wonder if Dallas is trying to punish me for the whole "George and Dalia" thing.
Yeah, well, Sheila is definitely punishing me for the whole "being born" thing.
Lisa had a bone to pick with Victor.
And the next morning, she decided to pick it.
Aah! Hello, Victor.
Oh, Lisa.
You startled me.
You're a bit jumpy on your own, though, aren't you? Uh, no.
No? My mistake.
Guess I don't have a real clear sense of who Victor is just yet.
Would you say you're a loner, wanderer? Grifter of sorts? - What's a grifter? - Are you a conman? Because I'm getting some mighty weird vibes coming from your direction and it's not the onesie entirely.
How old a man are you? Let's call it 10.
You're pushing 10.
I guess so.
Great, so do me a favor.
Cut the "mommy/daddy" crap, 'cause if you ask me, it reeks.
Oh, that's because I just went number two.
That's another thing bathroom seniority.
I go first.
Understand? Sure, sis.
And there's no hot breakfast on school days, so don't get your hopes up.
We get breakfast?! Yes, Victor.
We do.
Victor! How about some cinnamon toast this morning? Oh, boy! He's not even sick.
Lisa, your brother has a big day ahead of him.
He might even be playing some football after school.
Isn't that right, Victor? Hut, hut, hike! Oh, Victor, you are a treasure.
Lisa, did you stink up this bathroom again? And it turned out Dalia referred me for the job.
But I told her not to bother contacting me again unless she was able to make things right with you.
And how did she take it? Honestly, she looked crushed.
But I didn't get sucked in.
She was probably just trying to manipulate me, like you said.
What's wrong? I did everything you said.
Did I mishandle something? No.
I think maybe I did.
On the one hand, I hate her guts.
On the other hand, it sucks being dissed by someone that you used to have a close personal relationship with.
I don't know what to do.
Have you considered vaginal reconstructive surgery? Why would I consider that? I don't know.
I just keep seeing these pamphlets at my doctor's office.
At the home, they used to serve steamed cauliflower on Wednesday.
It was my favorite.
That's nice, Victor.
Unfortunately, the other kids weren't too wild about it and they complained.
Eventually, they stopped serving it.
Well, we're all very sorry to hear that.
They started serving cabbage rolls instead.
Cabbage rolls make my throat itch.
Sure, that makes sense.
But I never complained, because I knew some of the other kids really like cabbage rolls.
Just because I hate cauliflower doesn't mean no one else should be allowed to eat it.
That's kind of the way I see life, Tessa.
Thanks, Victor.
That is not what I took away from that story.
I may have welcomed Victor and his advice, but Lisa was still determined to undo him.
Perfect little son.
We'll see about that.
Everybody's got a bone in their closet, Victor.
And I just found yours.
I can explain! This is a bionicle.
I know.
I'm just holding it for a friend.
I hate those things.
Those are for losers.
This is Takanuva, the Toa of Light.
I wouldn't know.
I'm more interested into football, wrestling, and throwing touchdowners.
I love touchdowners! You know, Takanuva was my favorite bionicle when I was your age.
Really? Victor, my whole life I've lived in a house where no one understood me.
I know how it feels to be ashamed of your bionicles.
They taught us to just say yes to whatever the parents ask.
Your parents? They wanted a football player with a great body.
That's not me.
I know.
It's okay.
You're doomed.
How was football practice today, son? Did you "go long"? Did I ever! Do you think you'll make quarterback? I know it's hard, Victor, but tell them.
Mom, dad I'm not who I said I am.
I'm a grifter.
No! No! How could we have been so stupid? Sheila, did you tell him your social security number? I don't think so, but we did discuss my mother's maiden name and the street that I grew up on and the make of my first car.
That's all he needs.
We're finished! He did not steal your identity.
But he did steal someone else's.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Do I cancel my credit cards or not? Not.
But I'm afraid Lisa's right.
You see, my body's not as great as you think it is.
And I don't love football.
I love bionicles.
He's not a Ryan.
He's a Lisa.
I understand if you don't want me anymore.
And I'm sorry I lied.
I'll get my things.
Victor, you stop right there.
You didn't steal our money but you did steal our hearts, which is only possible because you didn't steal our money.
To be honest, we're relieved that you don't like football.
You are? You are? The last thing we want is to lose another son.
And I never heard of anyone getting a bionicle scholarship, - have you? - Nope.
There's no such thing.
Now, tell us all about this favorite hobby of yours.
Well, when the shadow leeches swamped Takanuva, they underestimated his cunning Wait a minute.
I have tried to discuss bionicles at this dinner table for years and it was forbidden.
Victor makes it sound more interesting than you did.
Victor knows how to frame a story.
Plus, you never mentioned the shadow leeches, Lisa.
If there are shadow leeches, you lead with shadow leeches! Well, Takanuva, he wasn't With a bitter, deep-seated rivalry now firmly in place, Lisa and Victor were starting to feel like siblings after all.
Just a sec! Oh, no.
Tessa, talk to the hand 'cause the face don't give a damn.
Relax, Dallas.
I'm here to see Dalia.
I don't have you dad if that's what you're looking for.
I wanted to let you know that I have been rethinking my stance on your friendship with my dad.
Just because I hate you, doesn't mean he has to.
He could never hate me.
He thinks it's good to see me.
Ask him.
You can ask him yourself.
And in return, can you please tell your mother to stop slamming me with Whoop! There it is! I thought you knew! I'm sorry.
I'll stop.
She made me.
I I Looking into her icy blue eyes, I wasn't sure what this all meant to Dalia, if anything.
I had no idea if things between us would be any different.
I've been meaning to ask you how did things go with your mom? She left.
I know.
I just wanted to hear you say it.
But everything's good with Ryan, right? Okay.
See ya.