Succession (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

Sad Sack Wasp Trap

1 MAN ON PHONE: Kendall, if the stock drops below 130, you're in breach and we want our money back.
Can we start to negotiate? (DIAL TONE) I know that you said he wasn't great, but I was passing by, so I thought I'd pop up.
I'm afraid that is out of the question.
No one apart from Marcia has seen him - for the better part of a week.
- Relax.
We don't want to rush the recovery.
Oh, right, 'cause you like playing boss? You know my brother and I.
CEO and COO, and welcome Tom Wambsgans who is now sitting up with the grown-ups.
Stock's gone below 130.
I've had an idea.
You give me four billion dollars.
I stay boss, you invest for once in a blue chip corporation.
NATE SOFRELLI: I'm going to need voting stock.
I'm also going to need a board seat.
Yeah, I wouldn't say that I'm the man, but if there were a man, he might look a lot like me.
After you went down, the stock tanked.
You took a gamble on that loan.
But I found us a private equity solution.
You are a fucking idiot.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS) JOAN: OK, that's right, along the edge.
That's good.
Don't patronize me.
Walking's not good.
It's fuckin' normal.
I'm not.
That is good, Mr.
LOGAN: I need to sit down.
- Chair.
- MARCIA: Logan, if you're not well enough for the charity dinner, I maybe go with this handsome young man.
Now, this is a little trickier.
This is the proprioception.
That's side to side.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) Turn it off.
It's like being inside a fuckin' commercial.
There you go.
You turn it off yourself.
Come on.
Where the fuck's she goin'? (THEME MUSIC PLAYS) Thank you.
KENDALL: Rava, hey, did you decide yet about tomorrow night? It's kind of a big night for me.
I'm making Dad's RECNY ball speech.
I just kind of assumed your "hopefully" was a "yes.
" (FINANCIAL REPORT ON TV) Are you serious? (SIGHS) GDP numbers that showed the US economy maintained a brisk pace of growth at a 2.
8% annual rate.
- How was L.
? - Great.
They're all fuckin' nuts, but great.
Can you get onto Lance about my speech? And can we get one of the late night guys to, - you know, cook me up a bit? - A bit? Yeah, a bit.
You know, a selection of jokes and riffs? You're gonna do a joke? What does that mean? I was fuckin' king of the Lampoon.
Kicked their distribution into shape.
- I cleared your morning because - Who's that in my dad's? because your dad wants to see you.
Guessing you didn't know that.
No, I didn't know.
But, uh it's great news.
Right? - Did you know? - No, but it's great.
Oh, sure.
(INHALES, SIGHS) Shouldn't he have told you? OK, uh, listen, I'll just, um get myself straight and go and see the old fuckin' goat.
(DOOR OPENS) You look good.
Uh, well, yeah.
Well, thank you.
Uh, Grace, um OK, see, this is why your staying here doesn't work.
There are five bathrooms in this place, and you're here.
Why are you here? Like, right now I have to fart, and I'm not.
I'm physically not farting because you're here.
I'm just feeling a little oppressed is all, OK? Thank you.
Do you want me to speak to Connor and confirm table arrangements? We're hosting basically the same as last year, plus Joyce and Daniel.
Is that OK? I didn't go last year, Shiv.
Yes, you did.
Remember we had that racist Belgian GS guy? And his wife who wanted to kill herself? Siobhan, I think I would remember our first Roy Endowment Creative New York ball together.
I was trapped in Honk Kong, scoping out theme parks.
- Really? - Yeah.
Honey, growing up I used to look at the pictures of the RECNY in Mom's "Vanity Fairs.
" And now, a little boy from St.
Paul's going, with the most beautiful gal in the world.
(SHIV LAUGHS) (PHONE BUZZING) - Oh, what the fuck? - What? ROMAN: It's quite a haunting image, isn't it? The eye almost seems to follow you around the room.
SHIV: What is this? You know, your client, the future senator? Apparently, this is her husband's asshole.
What? Fuck off.
Can you prove that? He posted it himself with the CAPTION: "Check out my asshole.
" It was on a site called Filthy Rich.
- Has everybody got it? - Just us, I believe, right now.
Leaked to ATN.
My buddy thought I'd be intrigued.
- All right, well, bring it on.
- Ooh, feisty.
- What, they're not gonna run it? - It's dirty, it's weird, and it's evidence of precisely the kind of disgusting liberal metro butt-love that makes our viewership angry enough to buy pharmaceuticals.
- Oh, OK, fuck you very much.
- OK, well, hate to be the bearer of bad news.
What do we call it, "an intimate part of his body"? No! That sounds like his dick.
Or just his "anus"? "Anus"? At breakfast? That's a fucking juice-dropper.
"A very private part of his body.
" It's boring.
And she needs to get more sleep.
- Karen.
- Yeah? - You sleepin' OK? - I thought so.
Yeah? Are you sleeping on your face? - MARK: Boom! Ouch.
- I'm just kidding.
- You look great.
- MARK: How about me, darling? How do I look? FIE, Mark.
Fuckable in an emergency.
LOGAN (SLURRED): Now, if we don't call out this frigid little phony, who will? Yeah.
Hey, Dad.
I didn't know you were coming in.
Did Did Gerri? Do I need permission? Hey, come on.
Screw you.
Just making sure you're not selling any more of the company from under me.
Oh, you want to get into that? You know, you put a hole in us by taking on a shitload of debt.
But look, this is, uh it's great to see you.
Are you sure you're OK? Maybe you should get a briefing and get some rest, yeah? Yeah, OK.
Joseph! Bring the wheelchair! I need to take a leak! (LINE TOLLING) Hey.
So, uh, Dad's back.
Back where? Back in the chair? KENDALL: Seems kind of fast, right? But, you know, it's good, obviously.
You'd love it if his brain fell out the back of his head.
I'm just scared in case You're scared in case he tries to push you out and your plans for, you know, Uber for news and Facebook for cats and open plan office.
You want a dance platform jerkin' off idea gloop into think boxes.
I gotta go.
- Roman.
Good morning.
- Frank.
No, correction, it is not a good morning from my POV because you're here and I fuckin' hate you.
Oh, come on, kid.
What the fuck is goin' on? Your dad asked me to come back.
Oh, the fuckin' the weasel prevails.
That'd be a good name for your autobiography, if they did books by jerks.
God, you're pathetic.
- He apologized.
- Sure, man.
He didn't apologize when he hit our au pair with his car.
He wants me to show you the ropes.
"It was her fault for being too short," he said.
- Nothing else? - What do you mean? I mean, in terms of what went up there.
Because first it's a finger, then it's a fist.
then it's a dildo shaped like Richard Nixon.
Fuck this! A man wouldn't be getting this.
SHIV: Mm-hmm.
Let's say that.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, agreed.
Hundred percent.
But for us, now, this isn't gonna go away, so we need to be clear, we need to know the details.
I think you need to talk to your husband again.
It's not going away because ATN won't let it go away.
So I think you should talk to your father.
(PHONES RINGING) (MUSIC PLAYING) CONNOR: I just hope the seating plan holds.
If it does look out, Middle East, 'cause I can fix anything.
BILL: I just want you to know you're the best damn bunch of people I ever had the honor to work for.
Thank you very much.
- (APPLAUSE) - Here he comes.
The best boss that ever lived.
It's like Mandela fucked Santa and gave birth to Bill.
Thank you, everybody.
Did you hear about Logan? They say he came in.
Uh, uh-huh.
Yeah, I knew.
But I couldn't say.
BILL: Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Come on, you genial old fucker.
Get in here already, before it's time for me to retire.
- Hey, Bill! - Sorry about all that.
No problem, Bill! I just hope one day I can eventually inspire similar affection.
Uh, this is, this is Greg, new kid I took under my wing when I started.
- BILL: Oh.
- I'm actually a part of the fam Doesn't need to hear your life story, Greg.
- So, uh, thanks for everything.
- No.
But listen, before I do the final photo, there's a thing I need to mention.
- Cool.
- You know, just us? - Oh.
- Yeah? - Great to meet you.
- Yeah.
Thanks for understanding.
- Thank you, Bill.
- You're welcome.
So, uh I've turned off the Wi-Fi, and this is, uh this is air-gapped, so I'm gonna create a Word document for you, and then I'm gonna print it, because I don't want anything with my handwriting on it.
I think someone has been watching a few too many spy movies since they retired, eh, Bill? (BOTH CHUCKLE) Yeah, maybe.
This, uh, this is the number of a set of storage files in the depository, and the subject is, well, something that it's not a big deal, but it needs to be handled, and, uh you're in the family.
So this is the name of the legal office that is the intermediary, and this is the person outside the firm that we've been using as a firewall to deal with the blowback from the NDAs.
Uh uh-huh.
It's not a big deal, Tom.
Right, but what is it, Bill? Well You you have two viable options.
I can tell you everything, and that's fine.
Or I can not tell you, and you wouldn't know, and then you can steer clear of the whole death pit.
And that would be fine, too.
- Uh-huh.
- So, I mean, the nice news is, either way, both ways, everything is fine.
Just keep the nuclear rods cool, nothing's gonna blow.
OK, so (LAUGHS) there's the death pit, and at the bottom of the death pit there's nuclear rods? Well You want to give me the good news now, Bill? (CHUCKLES) - Um - (KNOCK ON DOOR) BILL: Excuse me.
- Photographer's ready.
- Terrific! Thanks, Kelly.
And (HITS BUTTON) print.
OK, you need to tell Dad to back the fuck off.
Hey, shouldn't you be at 1 OAK or something by now? You know he rehired Frank to babysit me? I don't need a babysitter.
OK? Especially one I don't get to fuck.
- Seriously? - Yes.
- Frank is back? - Yeah.
I mean, you're CEO.
Can he even do that? I don't It's It's a question.
OK, well, have a talk with him, tell him to butt out, because we are running the show now.
Tell him he needs to go back to bed and eat some soup, get some rest.
Look, relax, OK? The, uh, you know, the dinosaur is having one last roar at the meteor before it wipes him out.
But look, hey you're doing a great job.
Thank you.
Thanks, man.
- (KISSES) - (ROARS) It's actually good to hear.
It's a big job.
I know it, bro.
Tell me about it.
Do you want some help? I can help you, we can tag-team it on Dad's speech at Sad Sack Wasp Trap.
Um, I guess, yeah, I mean, it is a CEO thing, so, I mean, like I have a whole thing prepared - with jokes, and so - You're doing jokes? Why does everyone keep saying that? I'm funny.
I'm sure you're gonna kill it.
- Who you taking? - Uh, no one.
Rava's busy.
- Doesn't want to? Got it.
- So maybe I'll roll solo.
How's that gonna look? CEO can't even get an ugly sister to go to the ball? - You know who I'd like to take? - Hmm? Anna Newman.
That blonde chick from ATN? The bl Oh, shit, yeah! I'd fuck that in a minute.
- Take her.
- It's not cool.
I'm her boss.
Oh, come on, what a pathetic beta-cuck.
"Uh, excuse me, uh, would it be cool, 'cause I have something very secret in my pants.
Would it be OK to show, please? Or is that a trigger warning?" Jesus, Roman, you're a walking fuckin' lawsuit.
Uh, no, I'm honest, I'm just like, "Hey, I like your face.
I wanna fuck your face.
Can I cum on your face?" Which is why my face is drowning in pussy and you're not even fucking your wife.
Too far.
Eeh! Sorry, it just Ooh, them's the facts.
- (BANGING ON DOOR) - No, thank you! Please leave me alone, please! Thank you! LOGAN: I I got it.
Give me a hand.
Uh, personal first, then the corporal.
Um, OK.
Well, personal, nothing much.
Pre-ball piece, profiles of endowment recipients, that's all great, and just a little piece on your health, but I don't think you need to hear that.
Say it.
Um, "Kendall Roy will give the traditional address at the RECNY charity ball tonight, in a sign that even after recovery from his stroke, Logan Roy is intending to wind down from public duties.
" Where did he get that? Who gave him that? - I I don't know.
- Well, here's an idea: find out.
Or find some other prick to pay ya a million a fuckin' year.
(MUTTERS) CONNOR: I just gotta tell you, handling the ball, it's just not a big deal for me, which is the thing that's so nice.
- It is not a big deal.
- "Winding down.
" Winding fucking down.
I'm winding up.
It's just funny, being in charge.
I remember years ago I'd be at the table between you and Mom and we'd look down, and there'd be the mayor, and all the names of old New York, and you'd whisper in my ear, you'd say, "That Astor used to be that, and he ran this till he SNAFUed that, and he's porking her, and she's a slut.
" And it was just a very lovely time.
Your mom loved all that.
- (CONNOR CHUCKLING) - Fuckin' Wasp Trap.
(BOTH LAUGHING) What would you think about me taking over a little on the foundation? Could we pivot it away from sick kids and contemporary dance and toward tax reform? - Huh? - To be frank, everyone's dancing anyway, and there are a lot of charities that cater to sad sacks God knows I love 'em, but hey, what about lending a hand to stimulate free enterprise? Yeah, well, let's let's see how tonight goes, huh? Yeah.
EVA: I don't have time for this shit.
- Hey.
- EVA: Hi.
Uh, so look, I want you to call off your dogs.
Because this obsession with Joyce, it's it's out of line.
It's sitting very high on your half hour.
And it's vindictive.
And actually, it's bad for democracy.
Are you going to respond? Well, I think it's important to remember that I'm not the one taking pictures of my asshole here.
Are you running this because you think my dad likes this shit? Oh, he wouldn't put that kind of pressure on his people.
Look, if I could get some nasty little tidbits on some other folk, could you ramp this down? We're not the only ones running it, Shiv.
It's a hugely popular story.
Yeah, but you're leading it, Eva.
You had a ten-minute "sexpert" segment on "How to keep your man happy in bed," on a news channel.
OK, you've said your piece, so and I've listened.
- Great.
- Great.
Actually, no.
You know what? I'm saying as her strategist, this level of attack begins to reflect on your professional judgement.
And you need to think about the future, because this this is the old world, and someday, in this world, things will change.
You know I wouldn't let any other strategist in the building, let alone this floor.
Well, I am very grateful.
So when we're talking professional judgement, good to bear in mind that you're only here because your name matches the one carved on the building.
KENDALL: OK, last thing.
For the press and comms, it's clear, right, that I'm CEO.
We hope one day my dad will be back, we don't know when.
- FRANK: Great.
Thank you.
- Thanks, guys.
JESS: Hey, Kendall.
Stewy's here.
I just put him in the South Tank in case you want to keep it on the DL.
Hey, Kendall.
Can I grab five? Uh-huh.
TOM: Um, there's something, uh, something that you don't know about, and maybe it's probably something that you don't want to know about.
And, uh You know what my dad always said? He'd say he loved all his employees, but he particularly loved the guys who ate the shit for him and he never even knew it.
Got it.
Got it.
Excuse me while I get myself a knife and a fork and some Hollandaise.
- Hey! - Hey, bro.
How's it goin'? - Good.
What's up? - So your dad's in? Yup, he made it in.
Which we were all, uh, delighted about.
- You were delighted about? - Sure.
What's the story? No, he's great, you know, he likes to remind us he's still alive.
It's great to get his take, but he needs a lot of rest.
- Dad.
Just talkin' about you.
- Sir Roy.
It's just great to see you.
How have you been? So, you're the little schmuck who owns such a big chunk of me.
Dad, it's Stewy.
You guys have met like a million times.
Excuse me barging in, it's just Gerri told me I have a meeting with Opalite later just to say, "I like it.
Buy it.
" - OK, Ken? - OK, good thought.
Uh, I'll come find you and we can discuss.
Sure, but if I don't see you, I want it.
OK, uh (LAUGHS) Well, it's not necessarily the best option in the sector, so, uh, so, yeah, but we can, uh I want us into data mining.
Buy it.
It's a really flooded sector, OK? Lotta hustlers, lots of bullshit.
You know, it's a gold rush.
Oh, yeah.
And who wants gold? Make them an offer they get excited about.
Make them an offer they want to tell their wives about at night.
Nice outdated sexism, Dad, but I'm sure you're all over the data mining.
(MUMBLES) I'm sorry? You OK? Dad? Hey, should I get someone? Maybe you should go home.
Yeah? I just, uh need to piss.
Well, thanks for sharing, uh, old guy.
- Glad he's gonna go piss.
- Uh, sorry.
You know.
- He's still recovering.
- Mm-hmm.
Listen, just technically, and I don't want to sound reductive, Ken, but who's in charge right now? Me.
I am.
Legally and effectively.
(UNZIPPING) (URINATING) OK, Rick, thanks for that.
Thank you.
Very useful.
(WHISPERS) Fuck off.
(TOM EXHALES) So, Greg, uh listen.
I just had a meeting with my private attorney, and, uh it seems I have been exposed to a virus.
Sit down.
It's a deadly virus.
And, uh (LAUGHING) and now now I'm fucked! Forever.
- It sounds bad.
- It is bad.
It is.
And, uh, I kind of need to share it.
But anyone I talk to, uh anyone I talk to, I effectively kill.
That's the death pit, Greg.
Take a look.
I I mean, I feel like I might not like it in the death pit.
Go ahead.
You're family.
Thank you.
- It's complicated.
- Kind of, yeah.
But not really.
For a number of years there was an unofficial company policy on the cruise lines that if there was a serious criminal incident we would, if possible, sail, not home, but to a Caribbean or South American port where there were so-called "friendly" authorities, and we could minimize the incident to avoid negative PR.
- Incidents like - Theft.
Sexual assault.
The bad ones.
There's hundreds in there.
You know, the head of cruises himself, Lester, would go on these entertainment tours, meeting the dancers, and extending the contracts of the ones that would suck him off.
Everyone we could, we paid off, we hushed up.
But there are emails, there's correspondence it's ready to blow.
It's a fucking time bomb.
So, what are you what are you gonna do? I don't know! I don't know! Because anyone I ask for advice, I make complicit.
If you know about this stuff, you should tell.
But you can't, because you're gonna spread the virus.
So I have the virus, don't I? OK, Ken, uh why don't you grab the Opalite material? Uh, well, as I explained, Dad, I think they're kind of snake oil salesmen, you know? Like they're the people who you buy a refrigerator and their algorithm is sending you, like, 30 ads for more fridges.
Great algo.
Well, you're the business genius who sold me out to this fucker, so I'd like to hear Stewart's thoughts.
OK, I'll get Jess to It's a 30-fuckin'-second walkaway, son.
So, Stewart Jess.
Hey, Jess? Yeah? Has anyone been Uh, your dad came in for like two minutes.
What the (SNIFFS) Oh, Jesus, fuck.
- STEWY: Just like gone in - (LOGAN LAUGHING) Hey.
(CLEARS THROAT) So, I think we're buyin'.
Good with you, Stewart? You're the boss.
All good? Stewart, are you goin' to the Sad Sack Wasp Trap tonight? - The - He means the RECNY ball.
I am.
I'm sorry to hear that you're not gonna make it.
Oh, no, no, I'll be there.
Well, I'm payin' for the fuckin' thing, so I might as well go.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
You sure it was him? You think a lot of people come in here and take a piss? GERRI: Maybe someone spilled something.
Yeah, maybe the massive fucking ice sculpture I forgot about melted.
It's urine.
ROMAN: This isn't a false flag, is it? Did you piss on your own floor? Why are you looking like that? What What if people knew? - Gerri, you gotta talk to him.
- What do you want me to say? Well, first tell him where to go pee-pee and poo-poo.
He came in, he was talking to Stewy.
What's he gonna do next, start jizzing in my coffee? Take a dump on my iPad? He's still in recovery mode.
If he thinks he's OK to come back, he should talk to you, Gerri, and the nominating committee, and set a date.
Right? Well, technically, but it's kind of a gray area because - He says he's coming tonight.
- ROMAN: You're kidding.
OK, well, that's a concern, because obviously with major investors and press on hand.
KENDALL: Yeah, I know.
What if he freaks out? What if he falls asleep in his soup? What if he starts shouting racist comments? Just another Saturday night, baby.
We have a fiduciary duty not to let the company look, uh, nuts.
What did you do, Kendall, when you realized he'd done this? - What did I do? - Yeah.
How did you respond? I I don't know, I didn't want to humiliate him.
- GERRI: Hmm.
- KENDALL: What? This would be the third injection I've given you in a month.
He feels he needs to be there.
You're only meant to have three in a year.
No wonder you're not sleeping.
You're risking long-term nerve damage.
(SIGHS) Jab.
Not jabber.
Shut up and shoot up.
Sweetie? Really do with some advice.
- Yeah? - So, look, I don't I don't wanna get you into this, but, um, well, Bill told me, as part of the handover, - where some of the bodies were buried.
- Mm-hmm? And, uh, they're not very well-buried bodies, and they're not really even bodies, they're - kind of zombies? - (SHIV LAUGHS) They're ready to rise up from the dead at any moment - and kill me.
- Uh-huh? I'm worried that if if it does come out, and it's sort of it's kind of bound to come out, and it's while I'm in charge, I'm dead, because I know, and I'm not doing anything.
But if I do do something, I've gotta, you know, do something.
- Right.
- And I'd like to, you know, not obviously not carry the can, but maybe do the right thing.
And what is the right thing? Well, what I'm thinking is a press conference.
- Oh? OK.
- Yeah.
And tell Get everybody in, tell all the top execs and the law guys, and we go public.
Open investigation, disinfectant of sunlight, and, you know, we pin the rap on a tight group of naughty, rotten apples.
- Uh-huh? - Well, that sounds brave.
- Yes.
Is that good? - (PHONE BUZZING) Uh I'm sorry, can we circle back? I just I gotta take this from Joyce.
Yeah? Look, I did what I can.
It's dropping down the running order.
But long-term, you gotta ask yourself, will your husband's dirty pink asshole go nicely with that lovely white house on Pennsylvania Avenue? - (MUSIC PLAYING) - (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) (CHATTER) MAN: Wave, Roman! (ICE CUBES CLACKING) (CHATTER) MARCIA: Wait for me.
Thank you.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- I'm OK.
- All right.
- (GRUNTS) You're OK? (WHEEZING) I don't think I can do this.
Yes, you can.
Vas-y and fuck them.
Let's go.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Excuse me! OK, what the hell is this? FEMALE SERVER: Uh, fork? Forks are to be placed thusly.
This is how they do it at a Dakota dude ranch.
This is how we do it at the RECNY ball.
Now, please go check every other fork.
It's unbelievable.
Now, why is everyone standing on this side of the room? The room is growing lopsided.
- Let's lead them.
- What? Like sheep, Willa, let's lead them like sheep.
Go around this way and corral them.
Corral them this way, OK? - I'm gonna go this way.
- OK.
(CLAPS HANDS) Hello! Everyone! - Everyone! Hi! - Come on, everybody, I'm sorry to interrupt, you all look fabulous, I just want to say if you're having trouble getting a drink over there, identical bar over here If you could just go to this side.
Enjoy the space, there's acres of it.
So have a good time.
The signature cocktail? Too avant-garde.
The servers are creating bottlenecks.
They put pesto in the gin it's a disaster.
There's no flow, Stephanie.
The evening is congealing there is no flow.
OK? Mark Morris, yeah, so my dad's first wife thought she was gonna, you know, empty the ghettos and get everyone into ballet when they started this thing.
- Yeah.
- So patronizing.
What are you drinking? Uh, a white wine.
Can we get a white wine? A couple of the kids who got into New York City Ballet still send us cards at Christmas, because that's nice or whatever.
No, it's nice.
It's, uh it's dumb, but it's cool.
Can I have a bitters and soda? I'm actually kind of nervous about the speech.
- Are you? - Yeah.
Maybe you can, uh, give me some pointers.
- You're the ATN pro, actually.
- (ANNA LAUGHS) Good, good.
Is that too wry? About our good works? Is that, like, snitty? Uh, well, there's all this, like, three pages of, you know, about you and the family, and the good works, and the big hearts, and on and on and on.
(LAUGHS) Excusing you, but I didn't ask for editorial comment.
Now it's into Kendall, OK, and he's all blah blah blah.
Hold on, pal.
What is this? Roll that back.
What is that? What? - "Surprise Logan retirement announcement.
" - Uh, yeah.
That came through late.
He said he'd just wing it.
I've been expecting you.
How are ya? Where are you sitting, man? - Um - In the basement? Out by the dumpsters? Maybe you do you want to trade? Maybe you'll meet a wealthy widow and you can seduce her with your sad eyes.
She can keep you as a pet in Westchester.
- Hi, guys.
- BOTH: Hey.
- You look nice this evening.
- As do you.
Thank you.
So, Tom, I hear you're thinking about holding a little press conference? - You know about that? - I don't know anything.
- Right.
I just think it's the best thing to do - Tom, you need to shut up.
This isn't the time to get your conscience out and shout, "Hey, look at me! I cannot tell a lie! I'm a good little boy, look at my ding-dong.
" OK, I don't think that's a fair characterization of what I'm Have you ever heard of the Sin Cake Eater? - No.
- He would come to the funeral and he would eat all the little cakes they laid out on the corpse he ate up all the sins.
And you know what? The Sin Cake Eater was very well paid.
And so long as there was another one who came along after he died, it all worked out.
So, this may not be the best situation, but there are harder jobs, and you get a fuckload of cake.
Can I ask you where you heard about this, please? Tom, it's tough to have to tell you like this, but I'm in a sexual relationship with your mother.
She talks in her sleep.
Excuse me.
Hey, Pa, how ya doin'? - (MUMBLES) - Just wanted to check in on something.
Just wanted to check that you're aware of Kendall announcing your retirement this evening? I mean, I'm sure you were, but I just wanted to triple-check.
- What? - Yeah.
Is that right? - No.
- No? Is it a mistake? Because Kendall's gonna say it.
It's on the teleprompter.
There's been a change of plan.
Kendall's not speaking.
I am.
OK, good.
(SILVERWARE CLATTERS) (RECORDED FANFARE PLAYS) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm your host, Mark Ravenhead, and welcome to the RECNY ball.
Hey! The butter's too cold! The butter is too cold! The butter's all fucked! You're fuckwads and you fucked it! - There's dinner rolls ripping out there as we speak! - Connor! - Connor.
- I am a laughingstock! There are always issues when you serve this many people, but I think, on the whole, it's going very well.
Complacent! You're fired! You're all fired! Idiots! Can't fuckin' believe it.
Surrounded by imbeciles! (APPLAUSE) Hey.
Come with me.
Come with me.
Come on.
- You lump of fucking turducken.
- Hi, T-Tom.
- Did you squeal? - What? Did you bitch me out, pig man? - As in - You bleated about the fuckin' press conference.
- No! - Yes, you did.
- No, I did not! - Yes, you did, you filthy piece of shit.
I ought to drag you into the kitchens and have them boil you until you're s (GASPS) My God, you just touch me, Greg? Tom, I'm sor Your spittle was actually, like This is extraordinary.
What are we gonna do about this? Are these assaults going to be ongoing? - No! - You tell me you didn't do it? I promise, I swear to God! Then who the fuck did, then, Greg? Because I only told you.
Believe me, man Fuck off.
EMCEE: revolutionizing Internet radio to his work with local children.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Juno Hernandez! (APPLAUSE) - Hey, Dad.
- LOGAN: Mm.
Um, so I don't want to shit-talk Kendall, uh he ain't up to the job but, uh, I think I speak for everyone here when I say it's great to see you back.
- Ah, thank you, son.
- Yeah.
But one thing, um, and I don't mind, it's fine, but I do want to say that Frank is what to me, now? He's vice-chairman, and you're general advisor.
And why is that? What's the situation with the park numbers? - Park numbers? - Mm-hmm.
Attendances are good, but the occupied room nights are down on last year.
I'm just waiting for Tom to get his feet, like, fully under the table.
The guy is a flake, is actually the truth of it, but I'm on it.
I'm on it.
When are you coming back in again? You need to soak up Frank's experience.
OK, but what does that mean? It means do what he fuckin' tells ya.
So sorry about the butter, guys.
LOGAN: There was a problem with the butter? - Frozen.
- Oh.
So remember, texting is encouraged tonight.
Please, no sexting, uh, but texting is fine Governor.
Watching you.
Let's get those numbers in.
I want to see everybody's name up on that screen, and on behalf of everyone here at RECNY, thank you for your donation.
Oh, uh, no.
Hold on.
Thaaaank you.
You stick around.
Oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting something? If you like her so much, why don't you just ask for her fuckin' number? - GRACE: Rome - No.
I mean, you clearly want to, right? Grace, would you like to give this man your number? Yeah.
I'd like to give him my number.
Why don't you ask for her number, then? Can I get your number? (LAUGHING) Can I have a pen, please? Oh, OK.
Here we go.
It's happenin'.
That's handy.
That's actually her number.
Wait, wait, wait.
Bup-bup-bup-bup And fetch another bottle, please.
Thank you.
Thanks, Brian.
Thanks, Fritz.
Good to see you.
- Nice work, bro.
- What do you mean? You know, fuckin' the talent.
- Hey.
Come on.
- No! It's cool It's cool.
You're fuckin' ATN, ATN's fuckin' me it's a little fucking clusterfuck, yeah? Hey.
- Hi.
- Everything good? Yes, I'm having a lovely time.
So sorry about the butter.
And just so you know, apparently, Dad's going to be doing the speech now, so late change of plans, I hope that's cool.
- What - CONNOR: Well, yeah, he just said.
I guess that put a spoke in quite a few wheels, huh? Con.
He's in no fit state.
Gotta go backstage.
Uh, Gerri.
Can we talk? Sure.
Over here.
Uh Uh, Dad wants to do the speech.
I did not know that.
When he opens his mouth, anything could come out.
Drool, anti-Semitism, fucking string of silk handkerchiefs tied together.
I mean, if if he fucks up publicly, we have a major problem.
- Right.
- You need to talk to him.
- OK.
Got it.
- OK? OK.
Lasagna? Did you know they had some lasagna? - Would you like some? - Oh, yeah.
(MUMBLES) - Hey.
- Hmm.
- You good? - I'm good.
Good luck tonight.
Gonna knock it out of the park.
Thank you.
CONNOR: Good luck.
Bon chance.
(CHUCKLES) Best foot forward.
You can do it.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- Nervous? - Not too bad.
I had a thing with the butter, but seems to be OK.
- Where you from? - Bushwick.
Yes, indeed.
Well, wonderful.
Great effort.
Connor Roy.
People have a lot of preconceptions about me, too.
It's difficult.
I mean, not like I'm sure everything is for you, - but, you know.
- Right.
See, I actually have this idea that social equality could be effected by a complete eradication of federal support.
Just people like you and I, doin' it together, - fighting it out without all the bullshit - OK, this is me.
Great! Break a leg, my friend.
Good job, Con.
Best event of the fall.
- Thanks, man.
- Really.
Hey, terrific evening, huh? You really showed it to those cystic fibrosis fuckheads, huh? Well, it's all about the charity.
It's not about me, buddy.
- You're right.
- OK, thanks.
Hey! Hey, you guys! You won't believe what people are saying out there.
It's amazing! We tore it up.
We nailed it, man! Score, team RECNY! You're awesome, dude.
You're awesome, awesome, awesome.
I love you so much.
Everyone, you're amazing and I love you so much.
Stephanie, my rock! Come on, bring it.
Come on, come on, come on.
Business mogul, philanthropist, and guy whose name is on all of my checks (SCATTERED LAUGHTER) ladies and gentlemen, it is my profound pleasure to introduce to you, on this most auspicious of occasions - (YAWNS LOUDLY) - in a change to advertised attractions, the man, the legend Logan Roy! Ooh.
I thought we were getting a supporting act.
(APPLAUSE) - MARCIA: Keep going.
- (LOGAN PANTING) Just get to Dan and pretend you're talking.
STEWY: There's a $40 billion market cap waiting to see if he makes it.
If he falls, I'm gonna lose one of my several houses, and you're gonna pay for the next one.
My God, he's really milking the walk.
Nearly there.
Come on.
Um uh evening.
(CHUCKLES) First, I'd, uh, I'd like to thank my wife, Marcia, for, uh everything.
Thank you.
Uh, thanks, thanks to you all for coming, and thanks to those who have supported me during my recent health nonsense.
Head cold.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, uh, yeah, that's, uh, yeah.
So personal n-news.
Someone took advantage of me being in the hospital, to propose to my daughter.
So I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome her fiancé, Tom Wamsgans, to the family.
Welcome to the family, Tom.
(APPLAUSE) It's so, so important that children are supported and encouraged.
And, uh everything I've done, I've done for my children.
And I'm proud of the way that they've pulled together during my issue.
And, in particular, my son Kendall.
(APPLAUSE) Well done, Ken.
And now for one last announcement of the night.
I'm officially announcing I'm back.
(APPLAUSE) You better believe, I'm back.
Full-time better than ever.
Thank you.
All right! Thank you! - Get me out of here.
- EMCEE: Logan Roy, everybody! (NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE) Yeah, nice one.
Way to go, Dad.
Why would you do that? Huh? I see you.
I spied you fuckin' out, son.
Don't ever do that to me again.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Retire me, shoot me like a dog in the street.
I heard about your little speech.
My speech? I was gonna do one fuckin' joke about how you'd never retire.
Bullshit! Why didn't you just talk to me? Fuck off.
You're all right.
Thanks, Mark.
Easy, easy.
Oh! Hey, Connor.
You did well tonight.
I'm really, really proud of you.
I can no longer obey, Dad.
"I have tasted command, and I cannot give it up.
" A certain artillery cadet by the name of N.
(LAUGHING) MARCIA: Are you OK? - Let's go.
- CONNOR: OK, let's go.
- Good night.
Good job.
- (CONNOR BLOWS KISS) Thank you.
You know, look, Anna can I just ask is there something going on here? - As in? - I don't know, is there an atmosphere? Did I say something to offend you? This has been a lovely evening.
I was so happy to come.
So, am I crazy? I feel like I'm on a date with an app.
Like there's this invisible bubble wrap.
Look, um off the record, off off, you seem like a nice guy.
Thank you.
Eva told me to come.
I mean, I asked her to just, you know, ask your people.
It's fine.
I'm just seeing someone, but y-you you're the boss.
No, no, no.
I'm I'm not that guy.
Yeah, sure.
I'm But actually, you are the guy.
Right now.
(HUMORLESS CHUCKLE) What did she say? Eva? Nothing.
Come on.
Please, just To make sure that you had a really good time.
Was she joking? Sure.
(LAUGHS) OK, uh, and I'd prefer it if you didn't say anything.
Well, uh, I think I should.
Please don't.
Hey, come on, man.
This is our charity.
How much a plate? You gotta get at least a blow job.
That's the law.
That's not the law.
Well, it's the ethical code, then, and I hate to say this, but she's behaved rather unethically here.
Had a really good time.
Good kid.
Smart move.
Keep talking.
I aim to please, ma'am.
Please close the door.
Keep driving.
I want him to sleep.

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