Sunday Night at the Palladium (2014) s02e02 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 2

1 'Tonight at the home of variety .
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and much more! And your host is Alexander Armstrong! It's Sunday Night At The Palladium!' 'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Alexander Armstrong!' Oh, thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Hello and welcome to Sunday Night At The Palladium! Blimey.
You don't get a reaction like that on Pointless.
We're gonna kick off in style.
They are the winners of America's Best Dance Crew, all the way from LA, it's Quest Crew! I got bills I gotta pay So I'm gonna work, work, work every day I got mouths I gotta feed So I'm gonna make sure everybody eats, I got bills All these bills pile up my desk, they looking like a mount All the little kids run around, I can hear their stomachs growl Touching for a moon out and my girl just don't know how Said she gonna leave me if I don't come home with 50,000 Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh,man Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man I got bills I gotta pay So I'm gonna work, work, work every day I got mouths I gotta feed So I'm gonna make sure everybody eats I got bills I gotta pay So I'm gonna work, work, work every day I got mouths I gotta feed So I'm gonna make sure everybody eats I got bills And my shoes My shoes I said my shoes Ain't got no sole I got mouths I gotta feed So I'm gonna make sure everybody eats I got bills, I got bills Everybody got bills, everybody got bills I got bills Everybody got bills, everybody got bills Everybody got bills Oh, Quest Crew there! What a start to the show! Thanks very much indeed, guys.
Oh! Weren't Quest Crew wonderful? I mean, that is the best street dance crew I have ever seen, and as you know, I have seen a fair bit.
It's a family show tonight, obviously.
Tonight the only F-word will be fun.
Unless my steak is cold backstage and then I will totally lose my schizzle.
We've got people from all over the country here.
We've got doctors! We were supposed to have GPs but I've told them we haven't got any space till August.
Anyone else here with work colleagues? Yes! - What do you do? - We work at a call centre.
- At a call centre! - Yeah! And you've travelled all the way from Mumbai to be here! I am so touched.
And over here, we have a group of taxi drivers.
Oh, look at that! So how are you Sorry.
How are you enjoying the show? Listen, I am a massive fan of London cabbies.
I'm an uber-fan.
What have I said? What a great bunch of people, seriously.
Spending ten years of arduous, painstaking doing of the knowledge, learning all the streets of London, and then someone invents sat-nav.
They're not bitter.
And parents! Have we got any parents in? Yay, parents! It's Sunday night, parents.
It's that magical time of the weekend when children turn to their parents, just before they go to bed, and say, "By the way, I have to go to school dressed as a robot tomorrow.
" But let's not worry about Monday.
Let's enjoy Sunday night.
We're out! We're at the London Palladium! We have got a real treat for you.
The cast of hit West End musical The Commitments! The Commitments is huge! As commitments go, this is marriage, kids and a mortgage.
It's a brilliant show about a group of young musicians from Dublin who form a soul music band.
The show takes place in the 1980s.
Obviously I'm too young to remember that.
But here we go! The Commitments, ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please put your hands together for the hardest working band in the world.
Direct from the West End's Palace Theatre, but for one night only live at the Palladium, yes, yes, yes, The Commitments! Yeah, whoo Mustang Sally, yeah Guess you better slow that Mustang down Yeah Oh, yeah Well, you've been running all over town Ooh, I guess you better put your flat feet on the ground Folks, it's your turn.
Let's hear you sing it! Come on! All you wanna do is ride around, Sally - Ride, Sally, ride - Love it! All you wanna do is ride around, Sally Ride, sally, ride One of these early mornings I'm gonna be wiping those weeping eyes Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah Yeah Oh, you gotta squeeze her and please her, never leave her You've got to, you've got to, you've got to, you've got to, got to Try a little tenderness Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah You've gotta squeeze, please her, never leave her You've got to, you've got to, you've got to, you've got to, got to Try a little tenderness Yeah, yeah Yeah, oh You've gotta squeeze her, please her, never leave her You've got to, you've got to, you've got to, you've got to Try a little Tenderness Thank you! Oh, ladies and gentlemen! That was fantastic! The Commitments! Ohh! The whole theatre on their feet.
That was fun.
I thought all my showbiz dreams had been fulfilled but I watch you guys with your thing there and I'm just so envious.
- I was You don't suppose - You could join us? Well, no, I was gonna say Yeah, I'll give it a I'll give it a go.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up for the newest member of The Commitments, Alexander O'Armstrong! You ready? It was the third of September The day I'll always remember - You would.
- Yes, I will Mama, I'm depending on you to tell me the truth But Mama just hung her head and said, son Papa was a rollin' stone, son Wherever he laid his hat was his home And when he died, all he left us was alone Mama looked at me and told me, son - Papa was a rollin' stone - Son, yeah Wherever he laid his hat was his home And when he died All he left us was alone - Yeah - Yes! - Whoa! - Ow Yeah! Man! Ohh! - That was fantastic.
- That was the best thing ever! It'll take me a long time to come down from that.
We'll see you after the break! Welcome back! Now, I always think when you're in a theatre like this, it's not a proper family show unless someone throws sweets into the audience.
Last time I threw sweets into the audience, there were several injuries, but this time I've taken them out of the jars.
Cox! There we are.
This is my parents' butler.
Cox.
There we are.
Thank you very much indeed.
Oh, Curly Wurlies! This is the ultimate health and safety nightmare.
Hard edges, choking hazard, may contain nuts.
Oh, sorry.
There we go! Flying saucers! Who remembers these? These actually contain chemicals that are now banned by the Geneva Convention.
There we are.
Excellent.
I've only maimed five people.
Brilliant.
Cox, you may stand down.
Thanks very much indeed.
Thank you.
Now we've got an extraordinary double act for you.
This is a TV exclusive.
This is the first time they've ever been seen on British television.
They do things with their feet that Lionel Messi and Michael Flatley can only dream of! They're dancers, acrobats, gymnasts, they're everything.
We've had them flown in especially from Ethiopia.
They are The AAC Boys! Ladies and gentlemen, The AAC Boys! Oh, The AAC Boys! That's just amazing! Now, I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "It's been a lovely night, but could we have some comedy from a young Welshman who recently stormed the Royal Variety Show.
" Well, I'm here to serve.
Yes, we can! Please welcome Rod Woodward! How you doing? Oh! How exciting is this? We're living the dream! I'm not used to it.
I live in a little village in South Wales called Machen.
I don't know if you know it.
There we are, Machen's empty tonight.
But I bought a new suit for tonight.
My wife made me buy a new suit, I didn't want to.
She said, "You've gotta have a new suit for the Palladium.
" I said, "They haven't seen my old suit.
" We went shopping.
She's gotta be involved.
I'm not allowed to stay in the privacy of the changing room and make my own executive decision as to whether I'm gonna buy this item of clothing or not.
That's not even an option.
I've gotta come out of the changing room and give a private fashion show .
.
for my wife and Marcus, the shop assistant.
He was there.
He's always there.
Anybody who was interested.
She's screaming down the corridor, "Come out and show us how you look.
" I said, "Well, I don't want to.
" She said, "You get out here now.
" Well, I came out.
When that curtain went back, it was like Stars In Their Eyes.
There's half a shop full of people waiting for me.
Smoke, lights, music.
She said, "Walk over there.
" I started walking.
She said, "Walk normally, please.
" That's the funniest thing.
When someone tells you to walk normally, you can't remember how you walk.
I turned into Basil Fawlty.
What's going on? Like a sniper's nightmare.
I don't know what's happening to me.
And you can't complain, can you? She said, "Do that.
" I said, "Why?" She said, "It's a new suit, you've gotta do that.
" I said, "Well, I never do that.
" She said, "Well, if you don't do that, you won't know whether you can do that.
" It's a bit unfair because ladies, before they come out on a night like this, they've got a magical time.
They've got a ritual.
They come together for something called "getting ready.
" Ohh, they're getting ready! I don't know what goes on exactly but it's fantastic.
It's better than the night out itself.
It involves drinking and wine and music and chat.
Men don't have this special bonding together, do they? You never hear a man phone his mate and say, "Terry, it's only me.
I'm only phoning cos we're going to the pub later, but I just wondered if you fancied popping round my house early" ".
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so we can get ready together.
" "I'm sorry, Bob, I don't follow you there exactly.
What have you got in mind?" "Well, I thought we could have a drink and a chat, share some cheese and wine.
I can light some candles.
" "Just to create an atmosphere.
Put on a bit of Michael Buble in the background.
And then when we're nice and chilled, we can get dressed in front of each other.
" "I'm sorry, Bob, I just remembered, I can't make it tonight.
" "What, you're not coming out?" "No, but you are, by the sound of things.
" I went to Las Vegas.
Have you been to Vegas? Everything's themed.
They've rebuilt the pyramids.
They call it The Luxor.
It's a hotel.
They've got the Venetian, gondolas, canals.
They're not playing games.
One called Paris with the Arc de Triomphe and the Eiffel Tower.
The hotel they're building now is gonna be The British.
So God knows what the theme will be there.
You walk through the door, it's tipping down everywhere.
Nobody can be bothered serving you.
Litter all over the place, you know.
You ring down for room service, "A week Wednesday we can do you a sandwich.
" "Can you stay in all day to take delivery? Cos we can't give a definite time.
" You've been a pleasure! Thank you so much! Rod Woodward, everybody! Listen, I am so excited about our next act, I've got palpitations, tingling in my spine and pins and needles in my legs.
Yep, that deep vein thrombosis hasn't gone away.
Performing her new smash-hit single, Dear Future Husband, Meghan Trainor! Dear future husband Here's a few things You'll need to know if you wanna be My one and only All my life Take me on a date, I deserve it, babe And don't forget the flowers every anniversary Cos if you treat me right, I'll be the perfect wife Buying groceries, buy-buying what you need, hey You got that 9 to 5 but, baby, so do I So don't be thinking I'll be home and baking apple pies I never learned to cook but I can write a hook Sing along with me, come on, hey You gotta know how to treat me like a lady Even when I'm acting crazy Tell me everything's all right, come on, hey, hey Dear future husband, here's a few things you'll need to know If you wanna be my one and only all my life Dear future husband, if you wanna get that special lovin' Tell me I'm beautiful each and every night That's right, hey After every fight just apologise And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right Even if I was wrong, you know I'm never wrong Why disagree? Come on, hey You gotta know how to treat me like a lady And even when I'm acting crazy Tell me everything's all right, hey Oh, oh, dear future husband I said here's a few things you'll need to know If you wanna be my one and only all my life Hey, baby, hey Dear future husband, make time for me, don't leave me lonely And know we'll never see your family more than mine Come on, hey I'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed, hey Open doors for me and you might get some kisses Don't have a dirty mind, be a classy guy Buy me a ring, buy me a ring, babe You gotta know how to treat me like a lady, hey Even when I'm acting crazy Tell me everything's all right Whoo! Hey! Dear future husband, here's a few things you'll need to know If you wanna be my one and only all my life Hey, hey, baby, whoo Dear future husband, if you wanna get that special loving Tell me I'm beautiful each and every night That's right! Oh-whoa, future husband, Better love me right Oh, Meghan Trainor, ladies and gentlemen! - That was wonderful! - Thank you! And all those boys dancing around in boaters and bowties, took me straight back to school.
- Listen, I know you're very busy.
- Very busy.
- But before you go, I wonder if you could do me a favour.
- Bear with us.
- A selfie? - Yeah, I think so.
Hang on, I've just gotta answer that text.
- There we are.
- Selfie, OK.
- Selfie.
- We got it.
- We got it.
- We got this.
- This is gonna be - Don't panic.
That's it! Ohh! - There we are, we've done it! - Yay! - You were blinking! Meghan Trainor! Give it up for Meghan Trainor! Thank you so much.
We are gonna take a break right now but there is so much more to come.
We've got comedy from Lee Nelson and we have the one and only Josh Groban.
Back soon.
Welcome back to Sunday Night At The Palladium.
We have been very busy during the break.
We've set up a whole orchestra on stage.
It's now time for a man they call the king of the waltz.
Yes, he's the human waltzer.
So scream if you want him to go faster.
Please welcome, performing the classic song That's Amore, Andre Rieu and his Johann Strauss Orchestra! - Oh! Wonderful! Andre Rieu and the Johann Strauss Orchestra! - Hello! Absolutely wonderful! Great to have you here.
- Now, you're coming back later in the year, aren't you? - Yes, of course, like every year.
In December, we will be touring the UK in all cities.
- Wonderful.
Tell me a little bit about your violin.
- My violin? - Yes, you have a Stradivarius.
- Yes.
1732.
- 1732.
That's why the two big, burly guys are standing there.
Exactly.
One for the bow and one for the violin.
May I have a go on the violin? - What? - You? - Yeah.
Are you skilled to hold it? If it's a problem, I I Oh, go on.
Just so I can say I've done it.
- That is - Oh, my God! - That is beautiful.
That is absolutely Ooh, that's Oh! What did you do to my violin? Oh, God, look at that.
Erm I Listen, I'm guessing it's insured? Well, listen, Andre, good luck with that.
Andre Rieu and his Johann Strauss Orchestra, ladies and gentlemen.
Chuck that through there.
Time now to welcome a very special guest to the stage.
He's ditched the baseball cap and the trainers.
He's suited and booted.
Please welcome the excellent and hilarious Lee Nelson! Are you all right tonight, Palladium? Good to be here.
And what a nice mixed audience we have this evening.
Who have we got in the house? South Londoners, give us a cheer.
South Londoners.
Yes! Look at that legend over there.
Whereabouts are you from? - Mitcham.
- Mitcham.
Proper.
Scum.
No, I don't know a lot about a lot of places.
Welcome to everyone.
I know about South London, obviously.
I'm a South Londoner.
And I know about Reading.
Erm, yeah, we had Reading classes at school.
But I love living in London.
Do you love living in London, fella? London's the best city.
We've got Boris Johnson.
He's like the boss of London.
I love Boris Bikes, people.
I got about six of them at home.
I ain't very knowledgeable about politicians, if I'm honest with you.
I know about Boris Johnson.
I know about Winston Churchill.
Winston Churchill is like our greatest ever politician, innit? Proper, proper hero.
Yes.
People still quote Churchill today.
"Oh, yes!" I know about UKIP.
Do you know about UKIP, people? If you don't know about UKIP, UKIP is a political party.
It stands for UK IP.
I know people is worried about this new wave of Romanian immigrants coming over here and taking our Polish people's jobs.
But most immigrants who come over here have got skills.
Interesting skills.
Polish people.
I don't know whether you know about this, but Polish people are incredibly knowledgeable about politics.
And during the election, they always say on the news, "Let's find out what the Poles have gotta say.
" I like learning things off foreign people.
It is very interesting.
Hands up foreign legends.
Foreign legends? Foreign legends? Foreign legends? Sweetie-pie over here.
Welcome, babylicious.
Whereabouts are you from? - South Africa.
- South Africa.
Well, Nelson Mandela, true, true hero, ain't he, people? If you don't know about Nelson Mandela, educate yourselves.
He went to prison for 27 years.
He gets out, he becomes leader of the country.
And then he goes on to win an Oscar for the Shawshank Redemption.
Proper legend.
Not just him, lots of famous Africans, innit? Nelson Mandela and, erm .
.
Simba from The Lion King.
You know what? The interesting thing about the UK, no matter who we vote for, we still have the royal family.
Will and Kate I can relate to.
They're like the next generation of royals.
And I welcome them.
They're trying to do things a little more modern, aren't they? They just done a Posh and Becks with their first child.
Erm, named him after where they done it, little George.
I believe they made love in Asda.
Royals in general is very posh.
A lot of it is about the way you talk, innit? That's the truth of the matter.
You can tell a lot about whether someone's posh or not posh by how they speak.
South London legend there.
Are you posh or not posh? What would you say? - Not posh.
- Not posh.
So, do you say Mummy and Daddy? Or Mum and Stepdad? Mum and Stepdad.
You know, the thing is, the royals represent the UK in a lot of ways, innit? Because the UK is quite a class-based society.
And the Royals is at the very top of that class system.
Yeah.
The royals is up there.
Then underneath that, you've got upper class.
Then underneath that, you've got middle class.
Underneath that, you've got working class.
Underneath that, you've got lower class.
Underneath that, you've got lower lower class.
Underneath that, you've got lower lower lower class.
Lower lower lower lower class.
Lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower class.
Lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower lower class.
Then underneath that, you've got guests on Jeremy Kyle.
Where do they get them from? And who the hell has got their teeth? I have been Lee Nelson.
You have been the biggest bunch of legends I ever met in my life! Good night! Lee Nelson, everyone! Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
And yes.
Oh! In the last part of the show, - we will of course be having our exciting new Star Of The Show Quiz.
- Ooh! But which lucky audience members will be playing for our big prize? There are 2,200 people in the audience.
Two of you are gonna be doing battle for the chance to win an amazing prize.
Who is it going to be? When you first came in tonight, you were each given a light-up wristband.
We're gonna light them all up and then eliminate them until there are two people with their wristbands lit.
There'll be one red, one blue.
OK.
Ready, steady, start eliminating those lights! Oh, this is fun.
Oh, still loads.
Oh, hang on, there's a red one! There's a blue one! We have our winners! Congratulations! We have two finalists! You are now gonna go head-to-head as you play Star Of The Show.
- What's your name, sir, with the red wristband? - Stephen.
- Stephen.
- And with the blue over there, who's that? - Joanne.
- Joanne and Stephen.
Will you come on down here.
We'll take a break and when we come back, Joanne and Stephen will play for a holiday in Star Of The Show.
And there's more to come, including the utterly wonderful Josh Groban, so don't go anywhere.
Welcome back to Sunday Night At The Palladium.
I'm very excited.
It's what we've all been waiting for.
It's time for our new quiz, Star Of The Show! - How are you, Joanne? - I'm all right, thank you.
- That was exciting, wasn't it? - Yes.
Very.
Very.
- Stephen, how are you? - Good, thank you.
- What do you do? - I'm a teaching assistant.
- In? - Swansea.
- Swansea.
- Lovely to have you here.
What do you do, Joanne? - I'm a medicines performance facilitator.
For some reason, that just makes me think of one particular medicine.
A performance fac That's fine.
It's fine.
Listen, you Let's banish all thoughts of that.
This is how the game works.
Our star is made up of five star lights.
I'll ask as many questions as I can in 60 seconds related to tonight's show.
If any of you give a pointless answer, that's an answer none of our 100 people gave Sorry, wrong show.
I ask as many questions as I can about tonight's show in 60 seconds.
Get a question right, the star light will light up in your colour.
Get it wrong and it will light up in your opponent's colour.
Poor old blue.
Blue doesn't deserve that.
It's not who lights up the star first, it's whoever has the most lights lit at the end of 60 seconds.
- Do we understand that? - Yes.
- Good.
The winner plays for a magnificent prize, courtesy of icelolly.
com.
It is a luxury Mediterranean cruise.
Ooh! Wow! I think I'm right in saying that if no one wins, I get to go on the cruise.
I'm pretty sure that's right.
OK, so, ready on your buzzers.
Your time starts now.
According to Meghan Trainor, what is it all about? - Future husband.
- No.
It's not.
It's all about that bass.
How many AAC boys did you see perform tonight? - Two.
- Two.
Absolutely right.
What is "amore" in English? - Love.
- Yes.
Absolutely right.
Which country is The Commitments set in? - Ireland.
- Is correct.
Which of tonight's artists has won three consecutive classical Brits? - Andre Rieu.
- Absolutely right.
How many strings does a violin have? - Three.
- No.
What capital city does Lee Nelson come from? - London.
- Absolutely right.
Josh Groban was in the 2011 film Crazy Stupid what? - Love.
- Yes! It's right! When a singer sings in a high voice, is it called falsetto or cornetto? - Falsetto.
- Falsetto is right.
What was the name of Andre Rieu's 2014 album, Love In Venice or Love In Paris? - Love In Venice.
- That's right.
I heard the gong go there.
So that is the end of the round.
- Oh, that is Blue wins.
- Yeah.
No problem.
- Stephen, it's been lovely having you on the show.
- An excellent game.
- All the best.
You come with me.
Congratulations.
Now, Joanne, you are playing for tonight's star prize.
There is one question standing between you and that holiday.
I need to ask for absolute silence.
There can be no help from the audience at this point.
OK.
- OK.
- Ga-gung.
Ga-gung.
From which musical is Josh's song Over The Rainbow? From which musical does Josh Groban's song come? Somewhere Over The Rainbow.
- Erm - From which musical does that come? Er I don't know.
The answer is The Wizard Of Oz.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course it is! - I'm sorry.
I know, I'm sorry.
You won't win the cruise, but you do win a fantastic poster of tonight's bill.
With your name added to it.
- Thank you! - There we go.
That is yours to take home.
And your name will be printed there, Joanne.
- Thank you.
- And what have we got here? Er, here in my hand we've got a very special prize for you.
Two VIP tickets to come and see us in The Commitments.
There you are.
Look at that.
Well done, Joanne.
Sorry you didn't get the holiday.
But look at those! Fantastic.
Big hand for Joanne, everyone! Now for a real treat.
He's the multi-platinum number one bestselling US singer and songwriter who has shifted more than 25 million records.
Please welcome Josh Groban with Somewhere Over The Rainbow! Somewhere Over the rainbow Way up high There's a land That I heard of once In a lullaby Somewhere Over the rainbow Skies are blue And the dreams That you dare to dream Really do come true Someday I'll wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds Are far behind me Where troubles melt like lemon drops Away above the chimney tops That's where you'll Find me Oh, somewhere Over the rainbow Bluebirds fly If birds can fly Over the rainbow Why, then, oh, why can't I? If happy little bluebirds fly Beyond the rainbow Why, oh, why Can't I Josh Groban, ladies and gentlemen! That was just That was lovely.
You have been watching Sunday Night at The Palladium with Quest Crew, the cast of The Commitments, Andre Rieu, Rod Woodward, Meghan Trainor, The AAC Boys, Lee Nelson and the wonderful Josh Groban! It has been an incredible show and I've done little online research myself on this wonderful host.
Hasn't he been incredible tonight? This guy has been unbelievable.
I've done some late night YouTubing on you and I know you've got a bit of a voice.
These people would like to hear a little bit of your solo singing voice.
I'll start and you come in.
When you walk through a storm Hold your head up high And don't be afraid Of the dark At the end of the storm There's a golden sky And the sweet silver song Of the lark Walk on through the wind Walk on through the rain Though your dreams be tossed And blown Walk on Walk on With hope in your heart And you'll never walk - Alone - Big finish.
You'll never Walk Alone