Sunday Night at the Palladium (2014) s02e05 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 5
1 Tonight, at the home of variety And tonight your host is Jack Whitehall.
It's Sunday Night At The Palladium.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Jack Whitehall! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ah, welcome to Sunday Night At The Palladium.
Hello to everyone watching at home and also to this wonderful audience here tonight.
(CHEERING) What a show we have tonight! And can I just say, on a personal note, how excited I am that my dream has finally come true? I'm on ITV on a Sunday night.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Yeah.
Admittedly, in my dream, I was in Downton Abbey .
.
having a passionate affair with Mrs Patmore.
But this will have to do for now.
To kick things off, we have a band with ten top-ten singles, 55 million albums sold worldwide.
They are one of Britain's biggest ever bands.
Please put your hands together, whoop and holler for Simply Red! (CHEERING) Driving down an endless road And taking friends or moving alone Pleasure at the fairground on the way It's always friends that feel so good Let's make amends like all good men should Pleasure at the fairground on the way And I love the thought of coming home to you Even if I know we can't make it Yes, I love the thought of giving hope to you Just a little ray of light shining through Love can bend and breathe alone Until the end it finds you a home Pleasure at the fairground on the way Come on! And I love the thought of coming home to you Even if I know we can't make it Yes, I love the thought of giving hope to you Just a little ray of light shining through (CHEERING) Pleasure at the fairground on the way Come on, now! And I love the thought of coming home to you Even if I know we can't make it Yes, I love the thought of giving hope to you Just a little ray of light shining through Even if I know we can't make it Love the thought Just a little ray of light shining through Love the thought (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ah! She's on her feet! What a way to kick off the show! Simply Red, ladies and gentlemen.
- (CHEERING) - Wow! Ed Sheeran's dad knows how to rock it.
That was amazing.
I love a bit of Simply Red, cos Simply Red is the ultimate date music, isn't it? That is proper music that you put on when you want to set the mood for some wooing.
Candles: check.
Simply Red: check.
Domino's Meat Feast with a shared garlic dip: check.
I know how to treat a woman.
- Have we got any couples here this evening? - (CHEERING) Who's here on date night? Hands up.
- What are your names? - Mike and Ellie.
- Are you married or engaged or? - We're on a first date.
- You're on a first date? - (LAUGHTER) - Shut up! - (APPLAUSE) Oh, my God! Where did you meet? Outside in the foyer.
Big spender's really splashed out, hasn't he? Taking you to the only West End show where the tickets are free.
I'm sorry.
I'll stop talking to you.
I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on you.
If this does not at least end with a kiss by the cab rank, I will feel like I've let you down.
Although Mike looks more like a 'fondle on the night bus' kind of guy.
Now, if I had a pound for every time someone said to me, 'Jack, why aren't there more experimental Japanese dance ensembles on TV?' (LAUGHTER) .
.
well, I'd have zero pounds, but trust me I saw these guys in rehearsals.
They are going to blow you away.
Please welcome the incredible EL Squad from the Wrecking Crew Orchestra! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC) (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) (RHYTHMICAL CLAPPING) (CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) FLUX PAVILION: Lines In Wax (DEVILISH LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Please give it up for the EL Squad from the Wrecking Crew Orchestra! (CHEERING) (GROANS) Oh, that was exhausting.
My crew.
Give it up for the Wrecking Crew Orchestra, guys.
(CHEERING) I'll tell you what -- this little bad boy has changed my life.
Not only very comfortable to wear, but also very useful when I'm cycling to work.
Be safe, be seen, people.
I've also had mine customised, actually.
I'm hiring myself out to local bars that might want my services.
Check this out.
There it is.
I just stand in the window from time to time, doing my thing although I learned something earlier.
I walked here through Soho.
Don't wear this in Soho.
Got a lot of unwanted attention.
No, I thought it would be nice to have an act early on in the show where the lights were killed completely, to give Mike and Ellie a chance to get to know each other a little better.
I feel bad for that just now.
I feel like I've drawn too much attention to you, and that's not fair.
I had a word backstage and, apparently, the Royal Box is free this evening.
So, I thought you could get away from the glare, everyone looking at you.
You'd be able to go up there and have a lot more privacy.
Would you like a free upgrade? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Don't thank me, honestly.
It's the least I could do.
OK, we're going to take a short break now, but don't go anywhere.
We've got Leona Lewis on the way, Jess Glynne on the way, and, if Mike plays his cards right, somebody else on the way, as well, maybe.
(LAUGHTER) See you after the break! Welcome back to Sunday Night At The Palladium.
Now, before the break, we sent up our pair of love birds, Mike and Ellie, to the Royal Box.
No less than what Ellie deserves.
- Thank you very much.
- (APPLAUSE) Enjoy.
OK.
So, we've all had a lovely time so far, but now I want to take it down a bit and talk about something quite serious.
Please can we have some more appropriate lighting? Yeah, that's better.
The landscape of pop music has been a bleak one so far this year.
25 March 2015 will be a day that lives long in the memory.
A sad day.
A day of mourning.
A day we, as a nation, were stirred from our dreams, only to realise we had woken to a living nightmare.
The day Zayn Javadd Malik quit One Direction.
- (LAUGHTER) - Guys! Hashtag life will never be the Zayn again.
Yet, despite this all-encompassing cloud that that day's events cast across all of our lives, small cracks of light have finally begun to appear.
One such crack is this next lady (LAUGHTER) No! One such crack of light is this next lady .
.
whose soulful voice and elegant song-writing might prove to be just the comfort we need to break ourselves from this bitter cycle of fear and despair.
(LAUGHTER) Performing her smash-hit single, Hold My Hand, would you please give it up for the fabulous Jess Glynne? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Standing in a crowded room and I can't see your face Put your arms around me, tell me everything's OK In my mind, I'm running round a cold and empty space Just put your arms around me, tell me everything's OK Break my bones, but you won't see me fall, oh The rising tide will rise against them all, oh Darling, hold my hand Oh, won't you hold my hand? Cos I don't wanna walk on my own any more Won't you understand? Cos I don't wanna walk alone I'm ready for this There's no denying I'm ready for this You stop me falling I'm ready for this I need you all in I'm ready for this, so darling, hold my hand My soul is like a melting pot when you're not next to me Oh-oh-oh Tell me that you've got me and you're never gonna leave Oh-oh-oh Tryin' to find a moment where I can find release Oh-oh-oh Please tell me that you've got me and you're never gonna leave Oh-oh-oh Darling, hold my hand Oh, won't you hold my hand? Cos I don't wanna walk on my own any more Won't you understand? Cos I don't wanna walk alone I'm ready for this There's no denying I'm ready for this You stop me falling I'm ready for this I need you all in I'm ready for this, so darling, hold my hand When you're next to me You can tell I'm not afraid to be Cos you don't make me wait and never let me break You never let me fall Darling, hold my hand Oh, won't you hold my hand? Cos I don't wanna walk on my own any more Won't you understand? Cos I don't wanna walk alone I'm ready for this There's no denying I'm ready for this You stop me falling I'm ready for this I need you all in I'm ready for this, so darling, won't you hold my hand? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Jess Glynne! (CHEERING) Jess will be joining us later, with Mick Hucknall, and we're going to be doing the show's first ever live paternity test.
(LAUGHTER) So, I can't wait for that.
Now, our next act is only 16 years of age.
16 years old, and he's performing on the Palladium stage.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Wow.
Amazing.
This young comic first became prominent on Britain's Got Talent.
Would you please welcome the brilliant Jack Carroll? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) All right? Cheers.
Wow.
This makes a change from school.
I'd like to begin by saying my mum calls me her little Superman.
I was chuffed, till I found out she meant Christopher Reeve.
Well, we've started off with that, so we know where we are now.
I've been at school this week, and one thing I've noticed about school is, the teachers with the really bad breath like to get the closest.
And on the inhale, I'll be thinking, 'What on earth can you be eating, to make your breath smell this terrible?' And then it dawns on me.
School dinners -- that'll do it.
No, don't get me wrong.
I like my school dinners, cos where else can you eat sponge and custard at 12 in the afternoon, without appearing on a Channel 5 weight-loss documentary? When I'm not at school, I like to watch daytime TV, like Deal Or No Deal.
The thing about that is, I'd pay 250 grand to put Noel Edmonds in a box.
- (APPLAUSE) - Don't clap that! He's all right, is Edmonds.
I've started driving at 16.
Because you're disabled, you get to drive at 16.
So, I was on my driving assessment the other day, and we were at some traffic lights, and I set off, and my instructor said, 'No, don't go yet.
There's some cars coming.
' And I said, 'Oh, yeah.
I stand corrected.
' And he said, 'I know you do -- you're wearing orthopaedic shoes.
' Another big thing happened recently.
My family got me a hamster, to teach me leadership and responsibility.
And I was completely responsible for its tragic and untimely death.
I also got a couple of mice recently that I'm a bit sick of, so I got a snake.
Two birds with one stone which is ironically how I got rid of the budgies.
It's weird being in London, cos one of the first times I came here was for the Pride Of Britain, and they sat me on the same table as Professor Stephen Hawking.
At one point, I was expecting Craig Charles to run in and shout, 'Robot Wars!' Didn't happen.
I was on a train the other day.
London to Leeds.
And about 15 minutes into the journey, the train-guard fella came up and said, 'Oh, you're that comedian fella, aren't you?' 'Yeah.
' He went, 'Oh, it's brilliant, what you're doing, cos a lot of your lot -- they don't bother.
The only other one I've seen make any effort whatsoever is Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson.
She bundled up her wheelchair and got herself into First Class.
No bother.
' And my mum challenged him on this.
She said, 'Well, maybe a lot of disabled people don't have the physical capabilities of an Olympian.
' Now, you may think that's the weirdest thing that's happened to me on a train.
It's not.
I'm going to leave you with this now.
I'd just been on the telly, and I'd just got in off the train, London to Leeds, and people had been coming up for photos and that, which I'll never get used to.
But a man was staring at me, about my distance from you, sir.
He wasn't staring at me quite like that -- I'll be honest.
So, yeah, he was staring at me.
And he took in the frame and the orthopaedic shoes, and he still decided to go with 'Do I know you from somewhere? Do you do karate with my son?' Thank you.
I've been Jack Carroll.
Good night.
God bless.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Jack Carroll, everyone! OK.
So, our next act is a knife-thrower, and I've been told to say: under no circumstances should you try this at home unless you live with Katie Hopkins.
(CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from America, a champion knife-thrower, who will leave you truly amazed.
It's Jack Dagger and his assistant, the Unkillable Jenny.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Hello, guys.
Shall we get directly to the danger? - (CHEERING) This is called the Ladder of Death.
Are you guys ready for this? (CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next is one of my favourites.
It's called the Flower Cut.
But this time, when you hold this flower, I want you to hold it against the target board, but this time, hold it in your mouth.
- (LAUGHTER) - All right.
Here we go.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, our final stunt for you this evening.
I'll throw a few knives around her arm, and the last knife will cut through the cucumber, and, if all goes well, her arm will remain unharmed.
All right.
Here we go.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you.
- Has he stopped throwing them? - Yes.
I've finished.
Hey, that was amazing.
Well done.
Jack Dagger.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What happens with all the cucumbers? Do you whip them up into a lovely salad? I do, yes! - I have to ask you: Can anyone learn to throw a knife? - Absolutely.
If I wanted to get the 'moves like Dagger' (LAUGHTER) I'm sorry.
(APPLAUSE) No, don't encourage it! It was an awful joke.
I'm sorry.
But can anyone learn? Absolutely.
Anyone can learn.
If you can throw a ball, you can throw a knife.
(LAUGHTER) Well, let's see.
Let's give it a go.
Well, let's skip the knives and go on to the big guns.
You're ready for something special.
- What's something special? - This.
An axe? You read my mind! OK.
So, you're going to show me the technique to throw this.
- Uh-huh.
Hold it like a handshake.
- Sorry.
And you're going to reach high above your head, and as you rock forward, roll it out of your fingers.
- Roll it? - Uh-huh.
Well This is the only sport where a limp wrist is actually useful! I love it! (LAUGHTER) I look like the campest Viking ever.
'I'm here to pillage your village.
' OK.
Sorry.
Everyone's getting too worried.
I'm going to turn around now.
Roll it through the target.
- Yes! - Yeah! Now, after that wonderful display, we need a volunteer for the next portion of the show.
- It's me, isn't it? - It's you.
Yeah.
- Do I take off my suit? - Yeah.
There you go.
We now present to you the first target.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh! Now, for safety's sake, hold your fingers way out to your side.
Way out to your side.
When the producers sold this idea to me, it sounded way safer, and now I am genuinely regretting this.
Sounds good to me.
Left hand out to your side.
Why do they have to be this close? These weren't as close for you.
- Are two targets -- dangerous enough.
- JACK: Yes! - AUDIENCE: No! - Thanks (!) - We now introduce the third target! Hooray! Where does that go? Oh (LAUGHTER) All right.
Now, we need to blindfold Jack, for his own safety - That's not going to help! - Yes, it is.
OK.
Here we go.
- Do I need to stay really still? - Yeah.
- Yeah, really still.
- That would probably be a good idea! If I don't make it, please tell my family that I love them.
Oh, and can someone delete my Internet history? (GASPS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Do the other one.
Just do it.
(CHEERING) - Here we go.
- Let's do it.
(GASPS) Go ahead and take off your blindfold.
You did it! Thank you.
Thank you, Jenny.
I can't believe I actually did that! I've got a lot of adrenaline right now.
OK.
I'm going to go and change my underwear, and after the break, Leona Lewis will perform her new single, and we've got more comedy from the hilarious Sara Pascoe.
I'm genuinely quite shaken.
See you then.
Welcome back to Sunday Night At The Palladium.
The producer's just showed me what happened at the end of the last part! Thanks, guys (!) You absolute traitors.
I genuinely thought he was throwing knives.
I can't believe you let me make an idiot of myself.
It's such a nice change to chat to a guy holding a knife in London and still leave with my iPhone.
Now, since winning the X Factor, Leona Lewis has sold 20 million records, just pipping the winner of The Voice by a mere 20 million.
With an exclusive performance of her new single, Fire Under My Feet, give it up for the fantastic Leona Lewis! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat You can't put out these flames You can't keep me down in my seat I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat Get out of the flames If you can't take the heat Fire Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh I tripped and I stumbled Watched my world crumble Sometimes you eat dirt You live and you learn With the lions The tigers and titans Afraid to get hurt But now I'm making them purr I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat You can't put out these flames You can't keep me down in my seat I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat Get out of the flames If you can't take the heat Fire Oh, oh, oh - Fire - Fire Was drowning in quicksand Nobody grabbed my hand Thought it'd bury me Instead, I'm set free Moving on to bigger things I begin to spread my wings No longer in chains I'm dancing over these flames I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat You can't put out these flames You can't keep me down in my seat I got fire under my feet And I feel it - You can get out of the flames - If you can't take the heat This may not be, not be perfect But I'm happy and I've earned it Every tear shed will be worth it Step by step, ain't looking back Got no regrets I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat You can't put out these flames - You can't keep me down in my seat - Oooh I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat Get out of the flames If you can't take the heat Fire I got fire I got fire Yeah, yeah, yeah Fire, fire, fire Oooh Oh, oh, oh Fire You can't put out these flames (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Great stuff! Keep it going for the brilliant Leona Lewis! (CHEERING) Now, next up: one of my favourite comedians.
She wows audiences up and down the country, but luckily, she's here tonight.
Will you please give a warm welcome to the brilliant Sara Pascoe? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm so excited to be at the Palladium.
Thank you.
My name is Sara.
My name doesn't have an H on it.
It's spelled S-A-R-A, so sometimes people think I'm called Sah-ra, which I hate.
I don't mean that in a derogatory way.
If your name is Sara, I'm sure it's fine, but to me it just sounds like my name's gone off, like it's curdled.
But the reason I'm telling you is, it recently became very useful, because other comedians are nice people, but all they do is moan about people being horrible to them on the Internet, sending horrible tweets and what have you.
And I always listen, outwardly sympathetic, but secretly thinking: No-one is ever mean to me.
It must be because I'm so great.
And then I worked on a TV programme -- bragging -- and when it came out, I got a tweet from a lady called Sarah Pascoe, with an H, and she said, 'Can you warn me the next time you're on television? Because I've been getting a lot of death threats.
' Of course, horrible people don't check how you spell your name.
They just bash it out.
So, I thought I was getting away with it, and then I saw that she's a nurse, so I felt awful.
That means she does an amazing job, working long hours, not getting paid what she deserves, and then goes home and inadvertently accesses my complaints department.
And I just swan around, having the best job in the world, working for about ten minutes a day.
It's not fair.
I blame the Tories.
Now, this is advice for Ellie and Mike, having their first date.
I think one of the most dangerous things we're told, as young people, is the idea of The One.
The idea that one person could make you happier than any other.
How could that work? Most people are inherently lovable.
I feel like, if you wait too long, the right person might pass you by.
It's like when you get on a train and it's got five minutes left till it leaves.
You get on the first carriage, and there are some chairs available, but you think: No.
I can do better than these chairs.
I want a chair that's got a table and a socket for my phone.
I want a chair that looks like Ryan Gosling.
And in the second carriage all the good chairs have gone, cos everyone's had the same idea.
Then the third carriage is even busier, and you remember the chair you saw in the first carriage, but you can't go back -- someone else will be sitting on him by now.
So you go through to the fourth carriage, where there's nowhere to sit, and that's how you end up, in your 30s, travelling in a toilet.
Young people -- you don't get told this enough.
Settle.
Settle early and concentrate on your work.
When it comes to relationship stuff, I blame my parents, but I think we all should -- it's quicker.
My mum and dad met in a very unusual way.
So, basically, my dad was in a pop band in the '70s, and when my mum was 13, she saw him on television.
Now, she said it was an epiphany.
The second she saw him, she knew that this was the man she was going to marry.
And then, to ensure that that happened, she stalked him for four years.
She went to all his concerts and she used to bunk off school and sleep outside his house.
And, because she's a very tenacious woman, she waited until he wasn't in the band any more.
He worked in a shop and he had depression, and then she swooped.
She waited till he was at his lowest, had three children with him, and it ended horrifically.
Who could have seen it coming (?) I don't have children.
I'm 33 and I've never had a baby.
I have had a tapeworm.
It's not the same.
And the older you get without having children, the more people talk to you about it.
And I know that comes from a nice place.
My sisters and friends have had children.
They're having a wonderful time and they don't want me to miss out.
But my problem with that is that the pleasure they're getting is subjective.
It's personal to them.
I've had my own wonderful, subjective experiences.
Like, I've been on QI, yet I've never said to anybody, 'Oh, have you been on QI? Ah.
You should go on QI.
No, I didn't think that I wanted to be on QI until I was on QI.
Oh, when I saw Stephen Fry's face for the first time, I was filled with so much love.
And yes, it's very tiring being on QI.
But it's so worth it, and I wouldn't want you to leave it too late and they'll have stopped making it.
' You are a delightful audience.
Thank you so much for having me.
Enjoy the rest of your night.
Good night.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's hear it for the fabulous Sara Pascoe! (CHEERING) Now, it wouldn't be Sunday Night At The Palladium without a little quiz.
- Wooh! - Yeah! Hold up your light-up wrist-bands.
Yes.
We are going to light them all up and then eliminate them, until we're left with two people whose wrist-bands are still lit.
You will be the two people playing for the star prize.
Ready, steady, eliminate.
Come on.
- Oh, we're down to just two! - (CHEERING) - Madam, what's your name? - Nicky.
Nicky, you're playing for the star prize.
- And who was it down here? - Christine.
Nicky and Christine, you come on down.
A big round of applause.
We'll see you after the break, when we'll also have a special finale performance from Simply Red.
Welcome back to Sunday Night At The Palladium.
It's time to play Star Of The Show.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm joined by Nicky and Christine, who were chosen before the break and are now ready to play for tonight's fantastic prize, which is a luxury holiday to New York, courtesy of icelolly.
com.
(APPLAUSE) - Hello, Nicky.
How are you? - Fine, thank you.
- Where have you come from today? - Nottingham.
- (MAN CHEERS) - Yes, we have a fan of Nottingham.
- And if you won this holiday of a lifetime Have you been to New York before? - No.
Good.
Then it is a holiday of a lifetime.
Who would you take? - My boyfriend Danny.
- Where is he? There's Danny up there.
Nicky, ladies and gentlemen.
(CHEERING) - Hello, Christine.
Where have you come from? - Hampshire.
- Lovely.
Have you been to New York? - No.
Good.
If you won this holiday, who would you take with you? - My partner.
- Fantastic.
Best of luck.
Best of luck to Christine and Nicky.
Now, you'll each have 30 seconds to answer as many questions as you can about the stars of tonight's show.
Whoever answers the most questions correctly will answer one final question.
Get that question right and you'll become the star of the show and walk away with that fantastic holiday to New York.
AUDIENCE: Wooooh! During the break, we tossed a coin.
Nicky, you won and you decided to play first and set a star score for Christine to try and beat.
I can only accept your first answer.
When the klaxon sounds, your time is up.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
- Your time starts now.
Which talent show did Jack Carroll find fame on? - Britain's Got Talent.
- Correct.
Complete the name of Leona's debut single, Bleeding what? - Love.
- Correct.
Which of tonight's acts features a colour in their name? Jack Carroll.
Oh, no.
Incorrect.
What was the surname of tonight's knife-thrower? - Dagger.
- Correct.
Shut up, audience.
Which county is Sara Pascoe from? Pass.
What was Jess Glynne's song tonight? - (KLAXON) - Hold My Hand.
- We're gonna give her that -- right? Yeah! - (APPLAUSE) - Congratulations! You scored four points.
- (APPLAUSE) Christine, you have got to beat a score of four.
- Are you ready? - Yes.
- Your time starts now.
What is the name of Simply Red's lead singer? - Mick Hucknall.
- Correct.
There are nine dancers in the Wrecking Crew Orchestra.
How many feet is that? - 18.
- Correct.
Name the salad ingredient Jack Dagger sliced through tonight.
- Cucumber.
- Correct.
Which of tonight's comics is 16 years of age? - Jack Carroll.
- Correct.
Sara Pascoe has appeared on the comedy show Live At The what? - Pass.
- Incorrect.
Rather Be was a number-one hit for Jess Glynne and Clean who? - Bandit.
- (KLAXON) We can give it to you! There was deliberation.
You just got there, so, Nicky, I'm afraid you will not be playing for the holiday.
I'm very sorry.
Commiserations.
Well done, Nicky.
If you'd like to step forward.
I'm going to ask you now the question that could be taking you to New York.
- Are you ready? - Yes.
OK.
Absolute silence from the audience, please.
Good luck.
Simply Red are named after Mick Hucknall's love of which Manchester football team? Manchester City? (AUDIENCE GROANS) I'm so sorry.
That's the wrong answer! It's Manchester United.
I'm so sorry.
Don't worry.
You still win a poster.
There's a space for your name right there.
New York is so overrated, as well.
Can I just say that? - Thank you for being a great sport.
This is your wonderful poster.
- Thank you.
Commiserations.
The evening is nearly over.
The question on everyone's lips is: how has the first date gone? AUDIENCE: Woooh! - Has there been good chemistry? - I think so.
- Yeah.
Now, I don't want to put any pressure on you, but do you want to commit to something a little more concrete, like, for example, a second date? Or maybe something even more official.
(APPLAUSE) Just in case We've had some champagne, Simply Red.
There will never be a better moment than this.
It's not going to happen, is it? Father O'Brien, you're going to have to go.
- Take him away.
- AUDIENCE: Ahhh! Don't 'ahh' him.
Have you got any idea how much he charges on a Sunday? Mike, Ellie, you've been amazing sports.
I apologise for ruining your first date.
I have got you a little consolation prize.
I've got you tickets to go and see Simply Red's Big Love Tour.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the wonderful Mike and Ellie.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What a great show it's been tonight.
You have been watching Wrecking Crew Orchestra, Jess Glynne, Jack Carroll, Jack Dagger and the Unkillable Jenny, Leona Lewis and Sara Pascoe.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thanks for watching.
Here to play us out is Simply Red, with Shine on.
Good night! Ahh ha Ooh, shiny eyes You've broken down a wall Reach for the skies Now I feel ten feet tall The sun is shining on us, baby Let's play the song and we can dance Our love is shining on us, baby Let's play the song and we can dance, dance, dance, dance, dance Ooh, you make me feel so young Shine on, shine on, shine on Ooh, you make me feel so young I want you to shine on, shine on Ooh, shiny eyes, you can have a ball Reach for the skies Now I feel ten feet tall The sun is shining on us, baby Let's play the song and we can dance Our love is shining on us, baby Let's play the song and we can dance, dance, dance, dance, dance Ooh, you make me feel so young Shine on, shine on, shine on Ooh, you make me feel so young I want you to shine on, shine on, shine on Ooh, shiny eyes, we can have a ball Come on and shine on, shine on Ooh, shiny eyes, now I feel ten feet tall Shine on, shine on (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
It's Sunday Night At The Palladium.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Jack Whitehall! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ah, welcome to Sunday Night At The Palladium.
Hello to everyone watching at home and also to this wonderful audience here tonight.
(CHEERING) What a show we have tonight! And can I just say, on a personal note, how excited I am that my dream has finally come true? I'm on ITV on a Sunday night.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Yeah.
Admittedly, in my dream, I was in Downton Abbey .
.
having a passionate affair with Mrs Patmore.
But this will have to do for now.
To kick things off, we have a band with ten top-ten singles, 55 million albums sold worldwide.
They are one of Britain's biggest ever bands.
Please put your hands together, whoop and holler for Simply Red! (CHEERING) Driving down an endless road And taking friends or moving alone Pleasure at the fairground on the way It's always friends that feel so good Let's make amends like all good men should Pleasure at the fairground on the way And I love the thought of coming home to you Even if I know we can't make it Yes, I love the thought of giving hope to you Just a little ray of light shining through Love can bend and breathe alone Until the end it finds you a home Pleasure at the fairground on the way Come on! And I love the thought of coming home to you Even if I know we can't make it Yes, I love the thought of giving hope to you Just a little ray of light shining through (CHEERING) Pleasure at the fairground on the way Come on, now! And I love the thought of coming home to you Even if I know we can't make it Yes, I love the thought of giving hope to you Just a little ray of light shining through Even if I know we can't make it Love the thought Just a little ray of light shining through Love the thought (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ah! She's on her feet! What a way to kick off the show! Simply Red, ladies and gentlemen.
- (CHEERING) - Wow! Ed Sheeran's dad knows how to rock it.
That was amazing.
I love a bit of Simply Red, cos Simply Red is the ultimate date music, isn't it? That is proper music that you put on when you want to set the mood for some wooing.
Candles: check.
Simply Red: check.
Domino's Meat Feast with a shared garlic dip: check.
I know how to treat a woman.
- Have we got any couples here this evening? - (CHEERING) Who's here on date night? Hands up.
- What are your names? - Mike and Ellie.
- Are you married or engaged or? - We're on a first date.
- You're on a first date? - (LAUGHTER) - Shut up! - (APPLAUSE) Oh, my God! Where did you meet? Outside in the foyer.
Big spender's really splashed out, hasn't he? Taking you to the only West End show where the tickets are free.
I'm sorry.
I'll stop talking to you.
I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on you.
If this does not at least end with a kiss by the cab rank, I will feel like I've let you down.
Although Mike looks more like a 'fondle on the night bus' kind of guy.
Now, if I had a pound for every time someone said to me, 'Jack, why aren't there more experimental Japanese dance ensembles on TV?' (LAUGHTER) .
.
well, I'd have zero pounds, but trust me I saw these guys in rehearsals.
They are going to blow you away.
Please welcome the incredible EL Squad from the Wrecking Crew Orchestra! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC) (CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) (RHYTHMICAL CLAPPING) (CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) FLUX PAVILION: Lines In Wax (DEVILISH LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Please give it up for the EL Squad from the Wrecking Crew Orchestra! (CHEERING) (GROANS) Oh, that was exhausting.
My crew.
Give it up for the Wrecking Crew Orchestra, guys.
(CHEERING) I'll tell you what -- this little bad boy has changed my life.
Not only very comfortable to wear, but also very useful when I'm cycling to work.
Be safe, be seen, people.
I've also had mine customised, actually.
I'm hiring myself out to local bars that might want my services.
Check this out.
There it is.
I just stand in the window from time to time, doing my thing although I learned something earlier.
I walked here through Soho.
Don't wear this in Soho.
Got a lot of unwanted attention.
No, I thought it would be nice to have an act early on in the show where the lights were killed completely, to give Mike and Ellie a chance to get to know each other a little better.
I feel bad for that just now.
I feel like I've drawn too much attention to you, and that's not fair.
I had a word backstage and, apparently, the Royal Box is free this evening.
So, I thought you could get away from the glare, everyone looking at you.
You'd be able to go up there and have a lot more privacy.
Would you like a free upgrade? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Don't thank me, honestly.
It's the least I could do.
OK, we're going to take a short break now, but don't go anywhere.
We've got Leona Lewis on the way, Jess Glynne on the way, and, if Mike plays his cards right, somebody else on the way, as well, maybe.
(LAUGHTER) See you after the break! Welcome back to Sunday Night At The Palladium.
Now, before the break, we sent up our pair of love birds, Mike and Ellie, to the Royal Box.
No less than what Ellie deserves.
- Thank you very much.
- (APPLAUSE) Enjoy.
OK.
So, we've all had a lovely time so far, but now I want to take it down a bit and talk about something quite serious.
Please can we have some more appropriate lighting? Yeah, that's better.
The landscape of pop music has been a bleak one so far this year.
25 March 2015 will be a day that lives long in the memory.
A sad day.
A day of mourning.
A day we, as a nation, were stirred from our dreams, only to realise we had woken to a living nightmare.
The day Zayn Javadd Malik quit One Direction.
- (LAUGHTER) - Guys! Hashtag life will never be the Zayn again.
Yet, despite this all-encompassing cloud that that day's events cast across all of our lives, small cracks of light have finally begun to appear.
One such crack is this next lady (LAUGHTER) No! One such crack of light is this next lady .
.
whose soulful voice and elegant song-writing might prove to be just the comfort we need to break ourselves from this bitter cycle of fear and despair.
(LAUGHTER) Performing her smash-hit single, Hold My Hand, would you please give it up for the fabulous Jess Glynne? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Standing in a crowded room and I can't see your face Put your arms around me, tell me everything's OK In my mind, I'm running round a cold and empty space Just put your arms around me, tell me everything's OK Break my bones, but you won't see me fall, oh The rising tide will rise against them all, oh Darling, hold my hand Oh, won't you hold my hand? Cos I don't wanna walk on my own any more Won't you understand? Cos I don't wanna walk alone I'm ready for this There's no denying I'm ready for this You stop me falling I'm ready for this I need you all in I'm ready for this, so darling, hold my hand My soul is like a melting pot when you're not next to me Oh-oh-oh Tell me that you've got me and you're never gonna leave Oh-oh-oh Tryin' to find a moment where I can find release Oh-oh-oh Please tell me that you've got me and you're never gonna leave Oh-oh-oh Darling, hold my hand Oh, won't you hold my hand? Cos I don't wanna walk on my own any more Won't you understand? Cos I don't wanna walk alone I'm ready for this There's no denying I'm ready for this You stop me falling I'm ready for this I need you all in I'm ready for this, so darling, hold my hand When you're next to me You can tell I'm not afraid to be Cos you don't make me wait and never let me break You never let me fall Darling, hold my hand Oh, won't you hold my hand? Cos I don't wanna walk on my own any more Won't you understand? Cos I don't wanna walk alone I'm ready for this There's no denying I'm ready for this You stop me falling I'm ready for this I need you all in I'm ready for this, so darling, won't you hold my hand? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Jess Glynne! (CHEERING) Jess will be joining us later, with Mick Hucknall, and we're going to be doing the show's first ever live paternity test.
(LAUGHTER) So, I can't wait for that.
Now, our next act is only 16 years of age.
16 years old, and he's performing on the Palladium stage.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Wow.
Amazing.
This young comic first became prominent on Britain's Got Talent.
Would you please welcome the brilliant Jack Carroll? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) All right? Cheers.
Wow.
This makes a change from school.
I'd like to begin by saying my mum calls me her little Superman.
I was chuffed, till I found out she meant Christopher Reeve.
Well, we've started off with that, so we know where we are now.
I've been at school this week, and one thing I've noticed about school is, the teachers with the really bad breath like to get the closest.
And on the inhale, I'll be thinking, 'What on earth can you be eating, to make your breath smell this terrible?' And then it dawns on me.
School dinners -- that'll do it.
No, don't get me wrong.
I like my school dinners, cos where else can you eat sponge and custard at 12 in the afternoon, without appearing on a Channel 5 weight-loss documentary? When I'm not at school, I like to watch daytime TV, like Deal Or No Deal.
The thing about that is, I'd pay 250 grand to put Noel Edmonds in a box.
- (APPLAUSE) - Don't clap that! He's all right, is Edmonds.
I've started driving at 16.
Because you're disabled, you get to drive at 16.
So, I was on my driving assessment the other day, and we were at some traffic lights, and I set off, and my instructor said, 'No, don't go yet.
There's some cars coming.
' And I said, 'Oh, yeah.
I stand corrected.
' And he said, 'I know you do -- you're wearing orthopaedic shoes.
' Another big thing happened recently.
My family got me a hamster, to teach me leadership and responsibility.
And I was completely responsible for its tragic and untimely death.
I also got a couple of mice recently that I'm a bit sick of, so I got a snake.
Two birds with one stone which is ironically how I got rid of the budgies.
It's weird being in London, cos one of the first times I came here was for the Pride Of Britain, and they sat me on the same table as Professor Stephen Hawking.
At one point, I was expecting Craig Charles to run in and shout, 'Robot Wars!' Didn't happen.
I was on a train the other day.
London to Leeds.
And about 15 minutes into the journey, the train-guard fella came up and said, 'Oh, you're that comedian fella, aren't you?' 'Yeah.
' He went, 'Oh, it's brilliant, what you're doing, cos a lot of your lot -- they don't bother.
The only other one I've seen make any effort whatsoever is Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson.
She bundled up her wheelchair and got herself into First Class.
No bother.
' And my mum challenged him on this.
She said, 'Well, maybe a lot of disabled people don't have the physical capabilities of an Olympian.
' Now, you may think that's the weirdest thing that's happened to me on a train.
It's not.
I'm going to leave you with this now.
I'd just been on the telly, and I'd just got in off the train, London to Leeds, and people had been coming up for photos and that, which I'll never get used to.
But a man was staring at me, about my distance from you, sir.
He wasn't staring at me quite like that -- I'll be honest.
So, yeah, he was staring at me.
And he took in the frame and the orthopaedic shoes, and he still decided to go with 'Do I know you from somewhere? Do you do karate with my son?' Thank you.
I've been Jack Carroll.
Good night.
God bless.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Jack Carroll, everyone! OK.
So, our next act is a knife-thrower, and I've been told to say: under no circumstances should you try this at home unless you live with Katie Hopkins.
(CHEERING) Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from America, a champion knife-thrower, who will leave you truly amazed.
It's Jack Dagger and his assistant, the Unkillable Jenny.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Hello, guys.
Shall we get directly to the danger? - (CHEERING) This is called the Ladder of Death.
Are you guys ready for this? (CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next is one of my favourites.
It's called the Flower Cut.
But this time, when you hold this flower, I want you to hold it against the target board, but this time, hold it in your mouth.
- (LAUGHTER) - All right.
Here we go.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now, our final stunt for you this evening.
I'll throw a few knives around her arm, and the last knife will cut through the cucumber, and, if all goes well, her arm will remain unharmed.
All right.
Here we go.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you.
- Has he stopped throwing them? - Yes.
I've finished.
Hey, that was amazing.
Well done.
Jack Dagger.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What happens with all the cucumbers? Do you whip them up into a lovely salad? I do, yes! - I have to ask you: Can anyone learn to throw a knife? - Absolutely.
If I wanted to get the 'moves like Dagger' (LAUGHTER) I'm sorry.
(APPLAUSE) No, don't encourage it! It was an awful joke.
I'm sorry.
But can anyone learn? Absolutely.
Anyone can learn.
If you can throw a ball, you can throw a knife.
(LAUGHTER) Well, let's see.
Let's give it a go.
Well, let's skip the knives and go on to the big guns.
You're ready for something special.
- What's something special? - This.
An axe? You read my mind! OK.
So, you're going to show me the technique to throw this.
- Uh-huh.
Hold it like a handshake.
- Sorry.
And you're going to reach high above your head, and as you rock forward, roll it out of your fingers.
- Roll it? - Uh-huh.
Well This is the only sport where a limp wrist is actually useful! I love it! (LAUGHTER) I look like the campest Viking ever.
'I'm here to pillage your village.
' OK.
Sorry.
Everyone's getting too worried.
I'm going to turn around now.
Roll it through the target.
- Yes! - Yeah! Now, after that wonderful display, we need a volunteer for the next portion of the show.
- It's me, isn't it? - It's you.
Yeah.
- Do I take off my suit? - Yeah.
There you go.
We now present to you the first target.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh! Now, for safety's sake, hold your fingers way out to your side.
Way out to your side.
When the producers sold this idea to me, it sounded way safer, and now I am genuinely regretting this.
Sounds good to me.
Left hand out to your side.
Why do they have to be this close? These weren't as close for you.
- Are two targets -- dangerous enough.
- JACK: Yes! - AUDIENCE: No! - Thanks (!) - We now introduce the third target! Hooray! Where does that go? Oh (LAUGHTER) All right.
Now, we need to blindfold Jack, for his own safety - That's not going to help! - Yes, it is.
OK.
Here we go.
- Do I need to stay really still? - Yeah.
- Yeah, really still.
- That would probably be a good idea! If I don't make it, please tell my family that I love them.
Oh, and can someone delete my Internet history? (GASPS) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Do the other one.
Just do it.
(CHEERING) - Here we go.
- Let's do it.
(GASPS) Go ahead and take off your blindfold.
You did it! Thank you.
Thank you, Jenny.
I can't believe I actually did that! I've got a lot of adrenaline right now.
OK.
I'm going to go and change my underwear, and after the break, Leona Lewis will perform her new single, and we've got more comedy from the hilarious Sara Pascoe.
I'm genuinely quite shaken.
See you then.
Welcome back to Sunday Night At The Palladium.
The producer's just showed me what happened at the end of the last part! Thanks, guys (!) You absolute traitors.
I genuinely thought he was throwing knives.
I can't believe you let me make an idiot of myself.
It's such a nice change to chat to a guy holding a knife in London and still leave with my iPhone.
Now, since winning the X Factor, Leona Lewis has sold 20 million records, just pipping the winner of The Voice by a mere 20 million.
With an exclusive performance of her new single, Fire Under My Feet, give it up for the fantastic Leona Lewis! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat You can't put out these flames You can't keep me down in my seat I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat Get out of the flames If you can't take the heat Fire Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh I tripped and I stumbled Watched my world crumble Sometimes you eat dirt You live and you learn With the lions The tigers and titans Afraid to get hurt But now I'm making them purr I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat You can't put out these flames You can't keep me down in my seat I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat Get out of the flames If you can't take the heat Fire Oh, oh, oh - Fire - Fire Was drowning in quicksand Nobody grabbed my hand Thought it'd bury me Instead, I'm set free Moving on to bigger things I begin to spread my wings No longer in chains I'm dancing over these flames I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat You can't put out these flames You can't keep me down in my seat I got fire under my feet And I feel it - You can get out of the flames - If you can't take the heat This may not be, not be perfect But I'm happy and I've earned it Every tear shed will be worth it Step by step, ain't looking back Got no regrets I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat You can't put out these flames - You can't keep me down in my seat - Oooh I got fire under my feet And I feel it in my heartbeat Get out of the flames If you can't take the heat Fire I got fire I got fire Yeah, yeah, yeah Fire, fire, fire Oooh Oh, oh, oh Fire You can't put out these flames (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Great stuff! Keep it going for the brilliant Leona Lewis! (CHEERING) Now, next up: one of my favourite comedians.
She wows audiences up and down the country, but luckily, she's here tonight.
Will you please give a warm welcome to the brilliant Sara Pascoe? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello.
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm so excited to be at the Palladium.
Thank you.
My name is Sara.
My name doesn't have an H on it.
It's spelled S-A-R-A, so sometimes people think I'm called Sah-ra, which I hate.
I don't mean that in a derogatory way.
If your name is Sara, I'm sure it's fine, but to me it just sounds like my name's gone off, like it's curdled.
But the reason I'm telling you is, it recently became very useful, because other comedians are nice people, but all they do is moan about people being horrible to them on the Internet, sending horrible tweets and what have you.
And I always listen, outwardly sympathetic, but secretly thinking: No-one is ever mean to me.
It must be because I'm so great.
And then I worked on a TV programme -- bragging -- and when it came out, I got a tweet from a lady called Sarah Pascoe, with an H, and she said, 'Can you warn me the next time you're on television? Because I've been getting a lot of death threats.
' Of course, horrible people don't check how you spell your name.
They just bash it out.
So, I thought I was getting away with it, and then I saw that she's a nurse, so I felt awful.
That means she does an amazing job, working long hours, not getting paid what she deserves, and then goes home and inadvertently accesses my complaints department.
And I just swan around, having the best job in the world, working for about ten minutes a day.
It's not fair.
I blame the Tories.
Now, this is advice for Ellie and Mike, having their first date.
I think one of the most dangerous things we're told, as young people, is the idea of The One.
The idea that one person could make you happier than any other.
How could that work? Most people are inherently lovable.
I feel like, if you wait too long, the right person might pass you by.
It's like when you get on a train and it's got five minutes left till it leaves.
You get on the first carriage, and there are some chairs available, but you think: No.
I can do better than these chairs.
I want a chair that's got a table and a socket for my phone.
I want a chair that looks like Ryan Gosling.
And in the second carriage all the good chairs have gone, cos everyone's had the same idea.
Then the third carriage is even busier, and you remember the chair you saw in the first carriage, but you can't go back -- someone else will be sitting on him by now.
So you go through to the fourth carriage, where there's nowhere to sit, and that's how you end up, in your 30s, travelling in a toilet.
Young people -- you don't get told this enough.
Settle.
Settle early and concentrate on your work.
When it comes to relationship stuff, I blame my parents, but I think we all should -- it's quicker.
My mum and dad met in a very unusual way.
So, basically, my dad was in a pop band in the '70s, and when my mum was 13, she saw him on television.
Now, she said it was an epiphany.
The second she saw him, she knew that this was the man she was going to marry.
And then, to ensure that that happened, she stalked him for four years.
She went to all his concerts and she used to bunk off school and sleep outside his house.
And, because she's a very tenacious woman, she waited until he wasn't in the band any more.
He worked in a shop and he had depression, and then she swooped.
She waited till he was at his lowest, had three children with him, and it ended horrifically.
Who could have seen it coming (?) I don't have children.
I'm 33 and I've never had a baby.
I have had a tapeworm.
It's not the same.
And the older you get without having children, the more people talk to you about it.
And I know that comes from a nice place.
My sisters and friends have had children.
They're having a wonderful time and they don't want me to miss out.
But my problem with that is that the pleasure they're getting is subjective.
It's personal to them.
I've had my own wonderful, subjective experiences.
Like, I've been on QI, yet I've never said to anybody, 'Oh, have you been on QI? Ah.
You should go on QI.
No, I didn't think that I wanted to be on QI until I was on QI.
Oh, when I saw Stephen Fry's face for the first time, I was filled with so much love.
And yes, it's very tiring being on QI.
But it's so worth it, and I wouldn't want you to leave it too late and they'll have stopped making it.
' You are a delightful audience.
Thank you so much for having me.
Enjoy the rest of your night.
Good night.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's hear it for the fabulous Sara Pascoe! (CHEERING) Now, it wouldn't be Sunday Night At The Palladium without a little quiz.
- Wooh! - Yeah! Hold up your light-up wrist-bands.
Yes.
We are going to light them all up and then eliminate them, until we're left with two people whose wrist-bands are still lit.
You will be the two people playing for the star prize.
Ready, steady, eliminate.
Come on.
- Oh, we're down to just two! - (CHEERING) - Madam, what's your name? - Nicky.
Nicky, you're playing for the star prize.
- And who was it down here? - Christine.
Nicky and Christine, you come on down.
A big round of applause.
We'll see you after the break, when we'll also have a special finale performance from Simply Red.
Welcome back to Sunday Night At The Palladium.
It's time to play Star Of The Show.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm joined by Nicky and Christine, who were chosen before the break and are now ready to play for tonight's fantastic prize, which is a luxury holiday to New York, courtesy of icelolly.
com.
(APPLAUSE) - Hello, Nicky.
How are you? - Fine, thank you.
- Where have you come from today? - Nottingham.
- (MAN CHEERS) - Yes, we have a fan of Nottingham.
- And if you won this holiday of a lifetime Have you been to New York before? - No.
Good.
Then it is a holiday of a lifetime.
Who would you take? - My boyfriend Danny.
- Where is he? There's Danny up there.
Nicky, ladies and gentlemen.
(CHEERING) - Hello, Christine.
Where have you come from? - Hampshire.
- Lovely.
Have you been to New York? - No.
Good.
If you won this holiday, who would you take with you? - My partner.
- Fantastic.
Best of luck.
Best of luck to Christine and Nicky.
Now, you'll each have 30 seconds to answer as many questions as you can about the stars of tonight's show.
Whoever answers the most questions correctly will answer one final question.
Get that question right and you'll become the star of the show and walk away with that fantastic holiday to New York.
AUDIENCE: Wooooh! During the break, we tossed a coin.
Nicky, you won and you decided to play first and set a star score for Christine to try and beat.
I can only accept your first answer.
When the klaxon sounds, your time is up.
- Are you ready? - Yeah.
- Your time starts now.
Which talent show did Jack Carroll find fame on? - Britain's Got Talent.
- Correct.
Complete the name of Leona's debut single, Bleeding what? - Love.
- Correct.
Which of tonight's acts features a colour in their name? Jack Carroll.
Oh, no.
Incorrect.
What was the surname of tonight's knife-thrower? - Dagger.
- Correct.
Shut up, audience.
Which county is Sara Pascoe from? Pass.
What was Jess Glynne's song tonight? - (KLAXON) - Hold My Hand.
- We're gonna give her that -- right? Yeah! - (APPLAUSE) - Congratulations! You scored four points.
- (APPLAUSE) Christine, you have got to beat a score of four.
- Are you ready? - Yes.
- Your time starts now.
What is the name of Simply Red's lead singer? - Mick Hucknall.
- Correct.
There are nine dancers in the Wrecking Crew Orchestra.
How many feet is that? - 18.
- Correct.
Name the salad ingredient Jack Dagger sliced through tonight.
- Cucumber.
- Correct.
Which of tonight's comics is 16 years of age? - Jack Carroll.
- Correct.
Sara Pascoe has appeared on the comedy show Live At The what? - Pass.
- Incorrect.
Rather Be was a number-one hit for Jess Glynne and Clean who? - Bandit.
- (KLAXON) We can give it to you! There was deliberation.
You just got there, so, Nicky, I'm afraid you will not be playing for the holiday.
I'm very sorry.
Commiserations.
Well done, Nicky.
If you'd like to step forward.
I'm going to ask you now the question that could be taking you to New York.
- Are you ready? - Yes.
OK.
Absolute silence from the audience, please.
Good luck.
Simply Red are named after Mick Hucknall's love of which Manchester football team? Manchester City? (AUDIENCE GROANS) I'm so sorry.
That's the wrong answer! It's Manchester United.
I'm so sorry.
Don't worry.
You still win a poster.
There's a space for your name right there.
New York is so overrated, as well.
Can I just say that? - Thank you for being a great sport.
This is your wonderful poster.
- Thank you.
Commiserations.
The evening is nearly over.
The question on everyone's lips is: how has the first date gone? AUDIENCE: Woooh! - Has there been good chemistry? - I think so.
- Yeah.
Now, I don't want to put any pressure on you, but do you want to commit to something a little more concrete, like, for example, a second date? Or maybe something even more official.
(APPLAUSE) Just in case We've had some champagne, Simply Red.
There will never be a better moment than this.
It's not going to happen, is it? Father O'Brien, you're going to have to go.
- Take him away.
- AUDIENCE: Ahhh! Don't 'ahh' him.
Have you got any idea how much he charges on a Sunday? Mike, Ellie, you've been amazing sports.
I apologise for ruining your first date.
I have got you a little consolation prize.
I've got you tickets to go and see Simply Red's Big Love Tour.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the wonderful Mike and Ellie.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) What a great show it's been tonight.
You have been watching Wrecking Crew Orchestra, Jess Glynne, Jack Carroll, Jack Dagger and the Unkillable Jenny, Leona Lewis and Sara Pascoe.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thanks for watching.
Here to play us out is Simply Red, with Shine on.
Good night! Ahh ha Ooh, shiny eyes You've broken down a wall Reach for the skies Now I feel ten feet tall The sun is shining on us, baby Let's play the song and we can dance Our love is shining on us, baby Let's play the song and we can dance, dance, dance, dance, dance Ooh, you make me feel so young Shine on, shine on, shine on Ooh, you make me feel so young I want you to shine on, shine on Ooh, shiny eyes, you can have a ball Reach for the skies Now I feel ten feet tall The sun is shining on us, baby Let's play the song and we can dance Our love is shining on us, baby Let's play the song and we can dance, dance, dance, dance, dance Ooh, you make me feel so young Shine on, shine on, shine on Ooh, you make me feel so young I want you to shine on, shine on, shine on Ooh, shiny eyes, we can have a ball Come on and shine on, shine on Ooh, shiny eyes, now I feel ten feet tall Shine on, shine on (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)