Sunday Night at the Palladium (2014) s02e04 Episode Script

Season 2, Episode 4

1 Tonight at the home of variety -- And much more! And your host tonight Jason Manford.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, the star of hit musical The Producers, Jason Manford! I wanna be a producer And sleep until half-past two I wanna be a producer And see you, you, you .
.
not you I wanna be a producer Wear a tux on opening night I wanna be a producer And see my name, Leo Bloom, in lights Welcome to Sunday Night at the Palladium! What a cracking show we've got for you tonight, with some of the best acts from all over the world.
We've got music, comedy, Chinese hand-dancing.
And a budgie circus.
I'm gonna put on shows That will enthrall 'em Read my name in Winchell's column I wanna be a producer And now my big finish.
I wanna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum Da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da I wanna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come Whoo! I don't know how Brucie did it at the top of the show.
It's mad.
I'm looking at the front row while I was dancing.
Half of them, like, 'Oh, quite impressed.
' He's looking at me like he's just seen a dog talk.
Staring me out like they've put Ashley Banjo in a fat suit.
I'm just having a go, son.
This is the best gig to do.
I love the Palladium.
It's great fun to do.
What I do enjoy is having a chat to the front few rows.
Some comics are horrible.
And boring as well.
'Where you from?' 'What's your name?' 'What you wearing that jumper for?' 'Are you a couple or are you just really fat?' There's no need for it.
I thought it would be more interesting to widen the questions out a bit.
So rather than me having to think, 'What shall I ask the front row?' I thought I'd ask you.
In the foyer before you came in there was some pens and paper and a little box, for you to write down some questions for me to ask the front row.
Hello, sir, what's your name? - Brian.
- OK, first question up, Brian.
- Are you single? - No.
- No? - Is this your partner, Brian? - No.
Ooh, hello, Brian.
He's a player.
- Where's your partner, Brian? - Up there.
She's up there.
Three seats away? - Are you not getting on? - No.
- What do you do, pal? - I'm retired.
- What did you do? - I was a postal worker.
A postal worker.
I imagine you had to get an early night usually? Although saying that, when did you retire, Cos I've not had a letter delivered before noon in about 15 years.
I mean, when my kids watch Postman Pat and he gives it, Early in the morning I think, 'Yeah, jog on, Pat.
' Let's go here.
What's your name, sir? - Nicholas.
- Nicholas.
Good-looking fella.
I like the look.
Where you from? Er from France.
From France? Of course you are, with your stripey T-shirt.
Have you got onions in your pocket? You've come as a stereotype.
God bless you.
God bless you.
I love it.
All right, Nicholas.
Nicholas Some people have had a bang on the head in this room.
Nicholas, would you rather fight one horse-sized duck .
.
or 100 duck-sized horses? I'm sorry, Nicholas.
It's a I don't even know how you're gonna put that into French.
I'd go with the size of a horse.
The duck the size of the horse.
Good answer, good answer.
Well done.
Welcome to British humour (!) What is wrong with us? The rest of the world must think we're mental.
Well, folks, next up is a truly incredible act.
All the way from China, a group of fantastic performers with a mesmerising show.
And made all the more amazing by the fact that they're all deaf.
I saw this act earlier in rehearsal and I was totally blown away.
So please welcome, performing the Thousand Hand Dance, the Chinese Disabled People's Performing Arts troupe! Was I right? Was I right? If there's one thing this show gives you, it's variety.
You can't argue with that, can you? Right.
It's time now for some music and we've got something very special.
He sang the biggest-selling single of the 21st century -- I know we're only 15 years in but it's still an achievement.
He was the first-ever winner of Pop Idol back in 2002.
And that was a while ago.
That was when Simon Cowell was only an A cup.
- Who is it?! - Will Young! Of course it is.
He's back with his brand new single, Love Revolution.
Put your hands together for the brilliant Will Young! It's up to you Get on board So once I think This love revolution It's beautiful Feel the air It's getting warm in here This love revolution Happiness And loneliness Happiness And loneliness Happiness is to feel loneliness And loneliness blew my world How could I guess When I'm only looking at myself It was there right all along Then happiness is to feel loneliness And loneliness blew my world How could I guess When I'm only looking at myself It was there all of the time I'm telling you Open up Now things have changed It's a love revolution Air in my booze Get out my way Record I'm strong Happiness And loneliness Yeah Happiness is to feel loneliness And loneliness blew my world How could I guess When I'm only looking at myself It was there all of the time Happiness And loneliness This rocket fuel, is giving you Take us to the moon now It's a love revolution It's a love revolution It's a love revolution Will Young! How about that? - It's nice.
- Not bad, is it? Got some family in.
Will Young, everyone! That was lovely.
Always a pleasure to see you.
Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we've got time for for part one.
But stick around.
We've got more music, comedy and variety coming up, including some of the best performing budgies you've ever seen.
- Is my nan here? - You heard me, Will, you heard me.
See you in a minute.
Welcome back to Sunday Night at the Palladium.
A cracking audience we've got in tonight.
Have we got any teachers in? You put your hand up as well.
You can't just take a day off.
I've worked at building sites and taught a little bit.
And I've worked in supermarkets.
Supermarkets, yeah? What supermarket do you work for? - Waitrose.
- Waitrose?! - Ooooh! - Ooooh! People who've never had hummus.
Oooh! Posh, in't it? It is posh.
I live in Stockport.
My nearest Waitrose is Notting Hill.
So, it's It's pretty posh.
What's the worse thing about the job? - The customers.
- The customers! - What's your name, sir? - Adam.
- What's the worse customer you've ever had? It's Christmas Eve, we had to get rid of a load of turkeys.
There's two people fighting over a turkey.
So I get involved, the turkey falls on the floor.
'Neither of you are having this.
' So one of them picks it up and throws it at me.
Threw a turkey at you?! On Christmas Eve? The most festive of all GBH.
- Right.
Are we ready for another act? - Yes! He is a global superstar who once performed to over one billion people.
Tonight he's accompanied by the incredible Croatian double act, Two Cellos, for a very special collaboration.
With a unique rendition of Live And Let Die, Please welcome Lang Lang and Two Cellos! INSTRUMENTAL: Live And Let Die Lang Lang and Two Cellos! What a treat.
What an absolute treat.
Weren't they amazing? Lang Lang's been playing the piano since he was three years old.
He must be shattered, mustn't he? Right.
It's time now for some more comedy.
This next lad is one of my favourite new comedians on the circuit at the moment.
Go crazy for the very funny Joe Lycett! I was a king under your control Oh, lovely.
Lovely.
Hello, are you well? Yes! How wonderful.
I know what you're thinking.
Finally an alpha male.
We need to butch this show up.
I'm not a homosexual.
Some laughter, thank you.
And some silence of disbelief.
I'm actually bisexual, so you're all at risk.
Oh, a sat over there.
Lovely.
We'll have a nice evening.
Being bisexual, you don't get a coming out, really.
Sort of a half come-out.
It's a bit pathetic, really.
My friend, Sam, has my favourite coming-out story.
He's a full gay.
He lives with his parents.
This only happened a few months ago.
And he just got the confidence.
His mum's in the bath, so he knocked on the bathroom door, she put a towel round and came to the door and said, 'What is it?' He went, 'Mum, I'm gay.
' And she went, 'Well, I don't need this any more.
! I said gay, not incestuous.
I love that story so much.
It's lovely to be her.
I'm from Birmingham.
- Oooh! - We're 100% Muslim.
Salaam-Alaikum.
I don't have the accent.
Are there Brummies in? - Yes! - Oh, just a few.
They all sound like ladies.
I'll have to look for father another day.
There's a few giveaways to my accent.
So I say 'tuth' rather than 'tooth.
' That's a very Brummie thing.
My friend Leah from Liverpool finds it so funny.
She goes, 'Wha's tha?' I go, 'It's my tuth.
' She goes, 'Ey, you sound ridiccerlous.
' Oh, yeah, out of the two of us, yeah, that's fair (!) You sound like you're coughing up a furball your entire life.
I do love the accent, though.
I love it.
The thickest accents are in the Black Country.
My friend Karen was asked by somebody from the Black Country what her favourite TV show is.
She said Sex And The City.
And the guy went, 'I like sex on the settee an' all.
' Yeah.
This is the thing.
I'm a proper mischief in life.
I've been doing a few things, like, on Facebook, I've started tagging myself at locations that I've not been at to see if anyone notices.
My auntie came round the other week and said, 'How was Cuba?' I wasn't in Cuba.
I just tagged myself at Guantanamo Bay.
With the status 'Chilling.
' She just thought I was chilling.
I've been doing something with my bank recently.
They asked me in for a financial review, and this horrible woman took me to this little office and she was so patronising to me.
Just calling me 'young man' and offering me pot and that kind of thing.
I thought, 'You think I'm stupid, so I'm gonna play stupid.
' So she was saying things like, 'I notice on your account, you've only got 1.
5% annual percentage rate.
So I just went, 'What's percentage?' 'You don't know what percentage is?' I was like, 'Nah.
' 'Imagine if you have a quiche.
' 'I don't eat quiche.
' 'Doesn't matter.
Anything round, like a pizza.
100% is the whole, 50% is half, and so on.
' I was like, 'Is it deep crust or?' 'Yeah, OK, it's deep crust.
' And I went, 'Great.
' Then she was asking me how I spend my money.
She said, 'How much do you spend on going out?' And I thought about it and I went, '100%.
' 'What do you mean?' 'Well, I don't spend money in my own house .
.
so 100% is going out, isn't it?' She wrote that down.
God knows why.
Then she looked at the account a bit closer and she said, 'You've only got one penny in here.
' And I said, 'Yeah, I've sort of lied to you.
I do know what percentage and all of these things are.
For example, when I opened this account, only a few months ago, I put £150 into the account.
And then I went overdrawn by like a quid.
And you charged me £50 for that, or 33.
3% recurring of my original deposit.
And that made me really angry, because I worked out, at 1.
5% APR, with £150 in the account, it would take me over 22 years to make that £50 back.
So I took all the money out of the account bar one penny, essentially leaving it empty, and got paper statements every month.
Now the cost of a second class stamp is about 50p.
I worked out after 8.
3 years, YOU will have lost £50.
And on that day, I'm having a deep crust pizza.
' You've been amazing.
I've been Joe Lycett.
Have a great night.
Joe Lycett! Funny, funny, funny.
Right.
Bugsy Malone was one of the most iconic films of its generation.
I loved it.
Are you a big fan of Bugsy Malone? Course you are.
Great songs, great cast, splurge guns.
Loved it.
It had everything.
For the first time in almost twenty years, the stage version is back in the UK, having just opened at the Lyric, Hammersmith.
So ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the cast of Bugsy Malone! Oh, Mr Sam, about my audition.
Later, Fizzy.
I'm busy right now.
Keep practising.
I'll see you tomorrow, I promise you.
- Tomorrow.
- But yesterday you said tomorrow, Boss.
Ahhhh.
Tomorrow, tomorrow.
It's always, 'I'll see you tomorrow.
' Tomorrow Tomorrow never comes What kind of a fool do they take me for? Tomorrow A resting place for bums A trap set in the slums But I know the score I won't take no for an answer I was born to be a dancer now, yeah Anyone who feels the rhythm movin' through 'em Knows it's gonna do 'em good to let the music burst out When you feel assured let the people know it Let your laughter loose until your scream becomes a love-shout Aa-aa-aa-aa-ah Anybody who is anybody will soon walk through that door At Fat Sam's Grand Slam Speakeasy Always able to find you a table, there's room for just one more At Fat Sam's Grand Slam Speakeasy Once you get here, feel the good cheer Like they say in the poem Fat Sam's ain't humble But it's your home sweet home Plans are made here, games are played here I could write me a book Each night astounds you Rumours are a-buzzin', stories by the dozen Look around your cousin at the news we're making here Anybody who is anybody will soon walk through that door At Fat Sam's Grand Slam Da de da da da da Hot jive Da de da da da da Hot jive Da de da da da da Hot jive Da de da da da da Hot jive Da de da da da da Hot jive Hoo ya hoo ya ya Anybody who is anybody will soon walk through that door At Fat Sam's Grand Slam Speakeasy Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Oi! You.
Come here.
Come here.
What was that? - Where was the splurge? - You didn't ask for splurge.
We spoke Wednesday, when I booked you I said splurge.
That's my favourite bit of the film.
Where's the splurge? You didn't ask for splurge.
Look, you're making me look like an idiot here .
.
in front of all these people.
Shut up.
Pack it in.
Where is my splurge? OK, OK, you want splurge? - Yes, I want splurge.
- Are you sure you want splurge? That's what I booked.
OK, OK.
Close your eyes.
I want everyone, the whole cast, covered in splurge, like at the end with Jodie Foster and that.
- Shall I give him splurge? - Yes! - Yeah.
- You asked for this.
Open your eyes.
Yeah, you laugh it up, laugh it up.
I'm lactose intolerant.
One more of these, I'll be dead by Wednesday.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ashton and James and the cast of Bugsy Malone! It's time now for a short break, but stick around for some more comedy and variety, plus a very special exclusive duet from David Gray and Leann Rimes.
Welcome back to Sunday Night at the Palladium.
To kick off this part of the show is the coolest man with the hottest voice.
Please welcome, all the way from New York, with his massive hit, Hey Laura, it's Gregory Porter! Hey, Laura, it's me Sorry, but I had to ring your doorbell so late There's something bothering me I really am sorry but it just couldn't wait Is there someone else instead of me? Go ahead and lie to me and make me believe You're not in love with him And this fool will see That the rivers of your love flow up here to me Hey, Laura, it's me Sorry, but I had to ring your doorbell so late Well, there's something bothering me All night long It just couldn't wait But I held the doze of make believe Go ahead and lie to me And make me believe That you're in love with me And this fool will see That the rivers of your love flow up here to me Hey Laura Hey, Laura, it's me Sorry, but I had to ring your doorbell so late But there's something bothering me-e-e-e All night long I just couldn't wa-a-a-ait But I held the doze of make believe Go ahead and lie to me And make me believe, oh-oh That you're in love with me And this fool will see That the rivers of your love flow up here to me-e-e-e Hey, Laura, it's me Wow.
What a voice.
What a voice! Gregory Porter, everyone! I found this out today.
Gregory started singing jazz after an injury prematurely ended his American football career.
I know.
Amazing story.
You can't imagine any British footballers doing that, can you? Getting injured and then going into jazz.
Wayne Rooney, like, 'Ey, boss, I've done me metatarsal again!' Summertime Let's crack on.
We try and book something for everyone on this show.
We've had something for the grown-ups we've had something for the kids.
And now something for your pet cats.
From Zippo's Circus, it's Norman Barrett and his budgies! BIG BAND JAZZ THEME FROM 'THE ARTIST' Thank you very much indeed.
Good evening.
Hey, guys, show everybody how you take a bow.
Right, bow.
Thank you.
They've all got names.
I'll introduce them as I go along.
This is Maurice.
Come on, Maurice.
Good boy.
Come on, Gunter.
Come on, Engelbert.
Come on, Engelbert.
Give daddy a kiss.
Ooh, you've been eating hotdogs.
Come on, Pepe.
Hold tight.
Right, everybody, clap your hands to the music.
Here we go.
One, two, three, four and one makes five.
Up five! Right, sit down, guys, on your places.
Sit down.
My wife does bird impressions.
She watches me like a hawk.
Ready? On your marks, get set and go.
There we go.
Let's go.
Keep going.
Yeah! Right, show them round the other side.
Up the ladder.
Keep going, Pepe.
Keep your mouths closed down there cos he might slip off the end.
Go on, you're doing well.
Oi! Sit down here Oi! Freddy Halfpenny, come on, up the ladder.
Hurry up.
Right, just sit down there.
Sit.
Sit there.
Oi! What's the matter with you? Hurry up, Freddy.
That's it.
Sit down there.
Thank you.
That's it.
Turn around.
Come on.
On the car.
Sit on the car.
Quickly.
Hurry up.
That's a good boy.
Right, here comes Lewis Hamilton.
Off you go.
Here comes the driver.
Come on, driver.
Be quick.
Head in and drive! Ohhhh.
That's fine.
Thank you very much indeed.
Was it you that jumped off the perch? Nothing to do with me.
I'm your worst nightmare.
- Yes, you can say that again.
- We're going to the park and pushing you down a slide.
Norman Barrett, everybody! Thank you very much.
And the fabulous budgies, God love 'em.
We'll see you after the break.
Welcome back.
Tonight, two members of the audience are gonna battle it out head-to-head for a chance to win an amazing prize, when we play Star of the Show! I know.
Exciting.
Well, who will it be? When you all came in tonight, you were given a light-up wristband.
Hold them up.
Ooooh! We're gonna light them all up and then eliminate them until we are left with just two people whose wristbands are still lit.
So let's turn the wristbands on.
Ooooh! Ready, steady .
.
eliminate! One up there.
One over there.
OK.
What's your name up there? - Lewis.
- Lewis.
A round of applause for Lewis.
- Madam? - Debbie.
Debbie.
Debbie and Lewis.
Come to the stage.
Come on.
Wey-hey! There we go.
They're each gonna battle it out head-to-head for a chance to win an amazing prize.
A luxury holiday to Cuba.
Whooo! Courtesy of icelolly.
com.
It's time now for Star of the Show.
All right.
Here we go.
- Lewis, how are you? - Good, thanks.
- Where are you from? - Weymouth, originally.
And who are you here with tonight? - My three housemates.
- Hello! - And what do you do, pal? - I'm an actor.
- You're an actor? - Whooo! - Well, best of luck.
Have you been to Cuba before? - No.
Oh, well.
How exciting.
And we've got Debbie, everybody.
- Hello, Debbie.
- Hello.
Who are you with tonight? My boyfriend, Mark.
- What's happened here? - I've broken my wrist.
- What doing? - Ice-skating.
- Oh, Debbie.
- Ohhhh.
- Where are you from, Deb? - Stratford.
- And what do you do for a living? - I teach first aid.
You teach first aid? Good night.
Thank you.
That's it.
We're done.
Right, here's how it works.
You're each gonna have 30 seconds to answer as many questions as you can about some of the stars you've seen on tonight's show.
Whoever answers the most questions correctly wins the chance to answer one final question.
Get that question right and you will become the Star of the Show and walk away with that fantastic holiday to Cuba.
Lewis, you need to set your star score for Debbie to beat.
Your time starts now.
What family of instruments does the cello belong to? Strings.
Complete the Will Young lyric.
- 'I think I'd better leave right?' - Now.
Earlier, Norman Barrett performed with what type of bird? Budgies.
From which spy film franchise is the song Live And Let Die? James Bond.
Which of tonight's acts featured a saxophone player on stage? Ooh, er pass.
What colour was budgie master Norman Barrett's jacket? Red.
- Is Fat Sam's girlfriend called Tallulah or Ballulah? - Tallulah.
We're gonna give it to him.
That's fair enough.
So, well done.
You answered six correct.
Round of applause for Lewis.
Debbie, you have to beat that score and steal this star back.
Your time starts now.
What instrument did Lang Lang play earlier this evening? Piano.
Joe Lycett is a Brummie.
Where's he's from? Birmingham.
How many musicians would you find in a string quartet? Four.
Complete the lyric from my opening song.
'I wanna be a?' - Millionaire.
- Incorrect.
I'm glad I made an impression on you.
What agent number does James Bond go by? - 001.
- No, it's 007.
Who originally played Tallulah in Bugsy Malone? Jodie Foster or Jodie Kidd? Jodie Foster.
I'm afraid, Debbie, it's a win for Lewis! Let's have a round of applause for Debbie, everybody.
God bless you, Deb.
Come on, son.
Right.
You're a big lad.
He's a big lad.
There is only one question standing between you and that holiday.
Who you gonna take with you if you win it? - My housemates.
- What, all three of them? Depends how many we can go with.
- It's just two, you cheeky sod.
- Oh, just two.
OK.
It's a question about one of the stars of tonight's show.
OK? You've been watching intently, haven't you? I'm gonna take your first answer only.
You've got 15 seconds.
Best of luck.
Who did Will Young beat to win Pop Idol in 2002? Gareth Gates.
It was Gareth Gates! Well done.
Well done, Lewis.
Welcome back Fat Sam and Dizzy from Bugsy Malone.
Thank you.
And you've also got a Palladium poster with all the acts tonight.
What a great show it's been tonight.
This is Sunday Night at the Palladium, and you've been watching, Will Young! The Chinese Disabled People's Performing Arts Troupe! The cast of Bugsy Malone! And The Producers! Norman Barrett and his Budgies! Joe Lycett! Lang Lang! Two Cellos! And Gregory Porter! The only thing that could make it better, would be to have two of the biggest-selling artists of the last 20 years, who have got together, and will perform especially for us tonight.
Please welcome, with Snow In Vegas, the fantastic David Gray and Leann Rimes! Lying here with you on top of me There's nowhere on this earth that I'd rather be And just when I was thinking we'd come about as far As this old road can take us Time to pull on over, baby, yeah, just stop the car And it falls like snow in Vegas And we'll hang that sign up on the door So the hotel maid don't wake us Now pigs can fly I'll command these breakers Ah now, baby, where you been so long I've missed you like a river, baby, deep and strong And just when I was thinking we'd come about as far As this old road can take us, time to pull on over, baby, Yeah, just stop the car And it falls like snow in Vegas And we'll leave that sign up on the door So the hotel maid don't wake us Now pigs can fly I'll command these breakers And anything you want, yeah, The sugar's in the cane If I had a million dollars I'd blow it on champagne Champagne A million bucks champagne, yeah, It wouldn't touch the sides No-one's gonna put a foot wrong, it's one of those nights And just when I was thinking we'd come about as far As this old road can take us Time to pull on over, baby, Yeah, just stop the car Then it falls like snow in Vegas We're vain, yeah, and we're greedy We're selfish and we're needy But it's just the way God made us Now pigs can fly I'll command these breakers