Sunnyside (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

1 All these people are such sheep.
Yeah, not that I care but if I were a shepherd I'd lead these people off a cliff with my really cool cane.
All these people were like "Let's leave our lame cookie cutter houses where we belong, put on some khaki pants and do exactly what everyone else is doing tonight.
" It's like people have never seen the moon explode before.
It's starting, everyone! (Exploding) (Gasping) Both: Meh.
Hey Denise.
What you doing? There's a $20 bill down there, so I'm trying to fish it out with a piece of gum and this string.
You are so good with money, you would make hell of a cashier.
Thanks.
How's the hospital? What symptoms did you fake this time? Oh, well I didn't have to, I got rabies.
How the frick did you get rabies? Peggy.
Peggy? Easy.
She thinks I'm trying to steal her man, but I'm not trying to steal her man.
He gave it away.
Oh.
So, she gave you rabies? I knew she was a dirty skank, but I did not know how dirty she was.
If I saw Oh, hi Peggy.
(Squeaking) Lookin' good, girl.
How long have you been standing there? (Squeaking) Hey Peggy, I'm I was just saying that Oh Kimmy, look out! (Screaming) Oh, that bitch really has it in for you.
(Screaming) Oh Kimmy.
Ah, score! (Laughing) My family were fishermans.
(Screaming) Um, sorry I'm looking for my coffee.
I don't think I gave you my name.
Oh, I don't need your name.
I have your number.
Man in a sweater he accidentally washed in hot water, double espresso.
I got a chai for the woman who regrets her hairstyle and is pretending to write a screenplay.
I like my hair.
No, you don't.
Well, I am writing a screenplay.
I saw you playing Candy Crush.
Small hot chocolate for the young hottie who's way out of my league because I'm too damn old.
B T dubs, even if you weren't too old I'm, like, still way out of your league.
I know.
I know.
Chai latte for my second choice.
You wish.
Yes, I do.
You know what was hell? High school.
Oh yeah, all that bullying? You know we can change that.
Outreach education.
Just let the gay kids know that they're not alone out there.
You're right.
I'll do it.
I'll become the first openly gay superhero.
Yeah, that's not what I was saying at all.
Gay kids everywhere will look up to The Avenging Moth! You had a name and a costume just ready to go? I've been trying to steer the conversation this way for weeks.
Why a moth? It was on clearance.
It was either this or a duck.
And ducks scare me.
Look! Pretty weird about the moon exploding, hey? Did it explode or does the government just want us to think that it exploded? It exploded.
Did it? We saw it.
Did we? Or is big oil just trying to hypnotize us with Facebook and vapor trails.
Meanwhile, the moon relocated to Earth 2.
Earth 2? Yeah, where the Earth 2 government is using the extra moon as a top secret resort full of tiny soaps and complimentary mouthwash.
Use your noodle, Sarah! It seemed pretty real to me.
If the moon exploded, don't you think there'd be some evidence like a big chunk of the moon falling to the earth or something? I guess you're right.
(Explosion) Oh my god.
Sarah's dead.
Okay.
Unless she's just vacationing on Earth 2's second moon.
Seems a little more likely.
Occam's razor, my friend.
(Sighing) (Car alarm) Sorry, I'm late, two lanes of the Gardiner were shut 'cause of moon rocks.
I hated the moon.
So, am I too late to see the apartment? Why not? We're all loosey goosy with the rules here.
Wow, what a terrific place.
You guys fixed it up yourself? No, we found someone else with impeccable taste to fix it up for us.
Ha ha.
It's a three bedroom.
This room's mine, the second is Rega's.
So, you guys aren't a couple? Why do you assume we're not a couple? Do you think I'm gay? What about me seems gay? I don't think either of you are gay.
Why not? Don't I seem gay? What's not gay about me? I'm not sure.
This room's mine.
The door is always closed, do not open this door.
No one opens this door, not even me.
But how do you get in? Not even me.
This is my room, my door is always open.
Wow, that's very nice Always open.
So, if you just want to stand here and look in and see anything? I can't stop you.
You can stand here and see everything.
It's the next room we're renting out.
Would you like to see it? I would love to see it.
This isn't going to work out.
What about me seems gay to you? Wait, I don't get it.
Let me explain it to you.
(Chuckling) Finding a roommate is difficult.
I'll be in my room.
(Buzzing) Now that the moon's exploded I don't know what to do.
Hole: Leave Sunnyside right away, get as far away from here as possible.
Go, go! And never come back.
Really? Just because the moon exploded? Hole: Nah, I just don't like you.
That's right.
Next! My wife says I'm boring.
Is there anything I can do to seem more interesting? Hole: Get yourself a hot sportscar, that'll do the trick! Great suggestion.
Thanks, Hole.
Hole: Next! My husband is the most boring man on earth, what should I do? Hole: Cut the brakes on his new sportscar.
Okay.
Thanks, Hole.
Hole: What the? Red or white? Oh.
Which one's cheaper? It's free.
There's always free wine at an art opening.
Hey Brando.
That's the artist? Mm.
Looks like a genie.
Whoa, $1,500.
You can get, like, six of those at the mall for 12.
99.
That can't be right, no way! $2,000! It's a brown square! Price check in aisle three.
(Laughing) $2,000.
Um, excuse me, you're not being sensitive.
You ask me, it's the prices that are chaffing; I'm getting a rash up in here.
The prices aren't the problem.
'Cause no one's gonna buy anything.
But if you don't pretend to like the art they'll figure out why you're here, which is for the free wine, and then they'll cut us off.
Okay? - - Oh my goodness.
Challenging.
I'm challenged.
Wow.
Yeah.
I like this one.
Looks like a big brownie.
Who doesn't like brownies, right? Oh, don't mind if I do.
It's gonna take me all night to appreciate all this art, so Thank you.
You know, Ferg, I think that this art gallery opening is going to be very restorative.
My eyes are thirsty for colour.
Well, the brochure says the entire show is dedicated to the downtrodden people of Guatemala.
Of all the downtrodden people in the world, I think the Guatamalens are my favourite.
Perhaps we should buy something to assuage our wealth guilt.
Yes, we should probably buy something.
You know, sometimes having a conscience can be such a burden.
Don't tell anyone I said that.
(Gasping) Ferg, look.
(Snoring) (Gasping) Oh god.
An indigent in our garage.
I feel so So Privileged? Exactly.
She chose us.
(Gasping) (Explosion) That chunk of moon rock really nailed that car.
- You know what's funny? - Mm? That model comes with a moon roof.
(Laughing) It's too bad about Mrs.
Anderson.
(Sighs) I'll take that.
Help, help! I am the Avenging Moth.
He stole my purse.
I'm the first openly gay superhero.
I give gay kids everywhere someone to look up to.
The Avenging Moth flutters towards equality, he hovers around the light of a better tomorrow.
(Grunting) (Grunting) (Coughing) I feel bad for the gay kids.
Oh good, food.
I have a feeling she's very hungry.
How do you know it's a she? Ferg: It's the plastic tiara.
Hey girl, are you hungry? You want a num num? Do you want a num num? Come get a num num.
Would you like some 80% locally sourced chocolate? Oh look, she's eating the chocolate, Ferg.
Oh, can we keep her? Can we care for her? Abby, think, we can't have a street person living in our backyard.
We have to find some way to get her inside.
Abby: Oh look.
Oh.
Here she comes.
Come on, come on.
Come on, baby.
There we are.
There's my girl, look at you.
(Grunting) (Door locking) (Doorknob rattling) She's very bright.
I've never felt so proud.
(Throat clearing) (Yawning) Are you awake? No.
No, that's fine.
It's just I'm just worried that you married me for the wrong reasons.
Oh my god, I didn't, now go to sleep, hon.
No, it's just that when we met I had that great job at the firm, was headed for partner, I had so much money.
That nice house and you wanted kids, so you settled for me and we got married.
But Maybe you never really loved me.
Sweetheart, stop it.
You got fired from the firm, we lost the house, we found out that you're impotent.
I am with you because I love you.
Really? Yes, now Go to sleep.
Thanks honey.
Man: Okay, let's keep the fun rolling right now.
Handy Hank, everyone, Handy Hank.
So, what is in the news? The moon exploded, huh? (Scattered applause) Yeah looks like no more tides in the Bay of Fundy.
Like you need another reason not to visit New Brunswick? Man in crowd: Boo.
Oh, we got people in here from New Brunswick.
So what if I am? Th that's my time then.
(Feedback sounding) So, some lame woman drunk on wine actually bought one of my paintings.
Hey.
Another white wine spritzer, let's keep this buzz going.
Well, you're pretty chipper considering the moon exploded.
No big deal.
No big deal? Look, I'm no scientist, but even I know there's a new moon once a month.
Comedian: What else bugs me? Um, oh yeah, snobs.
You know, those hoity toity snobs who look down at you because you don't know what fork to use or, uh, you don't speak French or, uh, you store jars of your own urine in your own cellar? Unreal! Ah, you know what I mean? I mean, it's, uh, it's my cellar, it's my life, it's my pee.
And, uh, one jar of Johnny Depp's I'm told.
So Thank you.
(Scattered applauding) Anyone else want to try out some jokes? (Laughing) You're funny too.
Yeah, well, I can't believe what a great time I've had tonight.
Yeah.
And they said that romance would die with the moon.
(Chuckling) Yeah.
(Moaning) Well.
This is me.
Do you want to come in? Yes, I would love to.
What's this? It's a bouncy castle! I can see that.
You you live here? I sure do.
Doesn't it get kind of of bouncy? It's not just kinda bouncy It's very bouncy! When I was 9 years old I asked my mom if I could live in a bouncy castle and she was all like, "When you're older.
" And now here I am.
How many people get a chance to live their childhood dream? Yeah, you know sometimes it's not about the chance, it's about growing up.
Yeah, I know.
You wanna come in? Thanks, but And if you have to go to the bathroom you should squat in that park over there because I don't have one in the house.
You live without a washroom? Oh what do you expect, a bouncy toilet? When you live in a bouncy castle you have to make sacrifices! Like no cooking.
Oh, I guess so.
Learned that the hard way.
Bouncy castles melt.
But the one plus is that it's very, very bouncy! I'm gonna go.
Which is great for sex.
What the heck? Woo! Coming in.
Woo! I'm starting to get very cold.
(Music playing on television) M-m-m-maybe we should call someone.
Oh yes, of course.
Maybe Dorian and Kendra.
Ooh, and Carmine and Ralph.
I'm so sick of them acting superior to us because they're off the grid, urban, vegan beekeepers.
(Laughing on television) But wait 'til they hear what we have here.
(Sneezing) - - Nice sweater.
Now empty your pockets.
Drop your weapon or feel the wrath of the Avenging Moth the first openly gay superhero.
Why do you feel the need to say openly gay? I'm shattering stereotypes and being a rolemodel to gay youth everywhere.
I'm openly gay as well.
Shut up.
And you're trying to stop me.
As long as gays battle gays we're never gonna get anywhere.
But I never thought of it that way.
Let's call a truce, let me rob this guy as a blow for gay rights.
Okay.
Hey wait! I'm gay too! Wait So, you're gay and I'm gay and he's gay? (Laughing) We've arrived! (Laughing) Well, bring that in, bring that in.
Oh, that's great.
It's a good night.
(Whispering) Teddy! Teddy! Teddy! (Yelling) Teddy! Denise, it's after 10, you're gonna wake up my mom.
There he is, there's my little teddy bear.
I'm gonna stay right here until you come down and give me some of your bear honey.
Oh cripes, stay right there.
There he is, there's my teddy bear.
Denise, Mom and I've been talking and she thinks that I should focus on my career as a pharmacist and spend less time with friends.
Friends? Is that what I am to you now? After I gave you that Minnesota handback behind the dumpster? That was pretty special.
And you cured my cold.
Those pills were prescription only, I can't do that again.
But you're my big strong doctor.
I'm just a pharmacist but, you know, I do have the coat.
I got this real sore foot now.
I bet you got some big strong painkillers over at your pharmacy.
Teddy! What's happening there? Why aren't you in bed? I'm handling this, Ma! Denise, look, we shouldn't see each other anymore.
Mom thinks that you're just trying to get drugs off me.
What? I gave you my virginity.
And you're gonna listen to your mother? Teddy, get back up here right now.
I don't want any son of mine skanking around in the alley with some pirate hooker.
Teddy: I'm handling this, Ma! I would go right now if it wasn't for my sore foot.
Ma: Teddy! But your mother is calling you.
Just go.
Not tonight.
Listen, Ma, I'm a grown man.
And if I wanna stay out late, I'm gonna stay out late.
And if you don't like it I'll leave.
Good luck watching your stories without my flat screen.
Open your own can of alphabet noodles tomorrow, you animal.
(Growling) Macho, macho man.
You're making me all horny barney.
I bet I can make you forget about that sore foot.
Are we, uh, going to your work? No, I think I got something strong enough inside.
Oh.
Aw nuts.
Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mommy! Ma! Hey Ma! Psst! Ma! Mommy! Mom! Mom! Ted's mother! Both: Mom! Mommy! Mom! Mom! Please, Mom! Mama! Ma! - Come on.
- Teddy, just shut up! Ma! - (Overlapping chatter) - What is all this shaking? What's going on? I don't know, some kind of earthquake or something? Can anyone tell us what's happening? Maybe we should ask the Hole.
No, the Hole's not on 'til sunrise.
Hey, what about that smarty pants from the university? Eugene? Doesn't he just work at the university cafeteria? Actually, I have a masters degree in environmental sciences, specializing tectonics and gravitational forces.
And no one's hiring for that so I make mac and cheese for business majors.
(Rumbling) Okay, brainiac, why don't you tell us what's going down here? Well, in lamens terms.
Okay, what is a lamen? Okay.
Um The explosion of the moon has compromised the earth's core.
So to compensate natural forces have violently ripped a chunk of the earth the size of Australia, to which we should see in an orbit any minute now.
I get it.
Hey everyone, let's go to the park and see the new Australia moon! Good idea! - (Overlapping indistinct shouts) - (Car alarm sounding) We're friends now, right guys? Right? Ugh.
This night just got even lamer.
It's like everybody had the same tired idea at the same stupid time.
It's like people have never seen an Australia moon before.
(Didgeridoo playing) Both: Meh.