Sunnyside (2019) s01e07 Episode Script

Pants Full of Sandwiches

1 [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
What territory did the United States buy from France in 1803? That is a trick question.
You can't buy a state.
Although, you can adopt a highway, which I did.
Sadly, it has become a hunting ground for serial killers.
Wow.
And wrong.
The answer is Louisiana.
What? Someone bought Louisiana? Yep, we did.
Back then you could buy a state.
Oh, my God, I want one.
I want a state.
Guys, even if you could, it would cost you billions of dollars.
Okay, then we'll just get one of the little ones that no one really uses, like West Virginia.
Where even is West Virginia? The only states I can find are the penis-shaped ones, like Florida or Pennsylvania.
Pennsylvania isn't shaped like a penis.
Yeah, of course not.
No one has a penis shaped like Pennsylvania here.
Hey, come on, everybody.
Let's focus on the lesson.
- Nobody's buying a state.
- [PHONE PINGS.]
Actually, our business manager just texted back, and he said Oklahoma's willing to negotiate.
Hmm.
Which one's Oklahoma? Isn't that the one that's shaped like a butt? Okay, there is something seriously wrong with your body.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Hey, Griselda.
Why are you studying? There's no class today.
This isn't for class.
Michelle and I have our spousal interview coming up for my green card.
They ask a lot of personal questions about your relationship, so I wanna make sure I know every detail.
Yeah, those interviews can be tough.
I have a friend who got sent back to Ethiopia just because he didn't know what kind of energy bars his wife liked.
Also he was selling rare parrots out of the trunk of his car.
It may have been that.
You know, these questions don't seem so bad.
What color is Michelle's toothbrush? Blue! Oh, green! No, this is a trick question.
She doesn't have teeth.
Oh, yes, she has teeth, I think.
Okay, let's just take a step back, all right? I'll give you an easy one.
How long have you been married? Two years.
Three three years.
No, four.
No, four's insane.
Eh, when did Prince Harry get married? It was, like, two years before or after that.
You are actually married, right? Yes ah! Nailed it.
Gimme the points.
That wasn't one of the questions.
[GROANS.]
Michelle is the sentimental one.
She's the one who remembers the dates and does all the schmaltzy stuff.
I'm like the Kevin James of the relationship.
I'm the lovable goofball who's always accidentally getting hit in the crotch.
Ah, yeah, see, every relationship has a Griselda and a Michelle.
I was the Michelle in my last relationship.
I used to plan all these big romantic dates, buy her flowers.
My ex Celeste was a huge fan of Hanson in high school, so for her birthday, I took her to a concert.
The little one brought her up on stage.
She got a bit too handsy for my taste, but he liked it.
This whole thing reminds me of "The Newlywed Game".
It was my favorite game show growing up.
Maybe we can do a version of that to make studying fun for you.
- Sure, why not? - Great! Now, would you rather do the original Bob Eubanks version or the '80s Paul Rodriguez version or the 2009 version with Carnie Wilson, which was eventually taken over by "The View's" Sherri Shepherd? How many "Newlywed Game" hosts have there been? 30, including international versions, but who's counting? I'm only kidding.
I'm obviously counting.
It's 30.
[PUNCHY BEAT.]
Ah! Mei Lin, our deposit didn't go through.
What? Heinrich just texted.
Dad's money is gone.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God, we're broke.
- I'm sweating.
- Okay, but on the bright side, it's giving you this really intense glow right now I know that, Mei Lin.
You guys have savings, though, right? Why would we save? We get a new deposit every morning.
You guys are in luck.
I am an expert at getting stuff for free.
I've never paid for a birthday party in my life.
You just go to a Chuck E.
Cheese, and you wait for the kids to eat so much, they get all sick.
That's when old Brady swoops in.
Okay, we're in.
You'll be our teacher, and we'll be your students.
Great.
Okay.
So the first thing you gotta do You can't tell us what to do.
My dad paid for this school.
I am so sorry.
That was a reflex.
[PUNCHY BEAT.]
Are you on Celeste's Instagram? Garrett, going back on the timeline is risky.
Do you remember when you accidentally liked our cousin's bikini pics from 2012? That made Thanksgiving that year very uncomfortable for everyone.
Double-tap for "like" is a bad system.
Oh, no, I just ah! I just liked one of Celeste's pictures from three years ago.
Hold on, unlike, unlike.
Why are you creeping through your ex-girlfriend's Instagram anyway? Ugh, because I was helping Griselda study for her green card interview today, and it just reminded me of how things ended with Celeste.
I just can't believe that she would throw away four amazing years because of one teeny, little nationwide scandal.
You know, I stayed by her side when she coughed through an entire episode of "Game of Thrones".
I don't think it was just one thing.
You weren't the greatest boyfriend.
I mean, there was that entire year that you got really into collecting tequila.
If collecting tequila is lame, would Sammy Hagar do it? Plus, I was a great boyfriend.
Sure, we had our disagreements, but I would always smooth things over with a big romantic gesture.
Maybe Celeste is just waiting for me to do that.
Or consider the most romantic gesture: leaving her and all women alone.
Yes, you're right, I will send her a text message.
"Just checking in.
Can we talk?" Great.
Now, don't be upset if she doesn't text you back right away.
Whoa, she texted back.
In your face! Look, she said, "Meet up tomorrow".
What should I say back now? "I miss your smell"? No, right? But I really do miss it.
One text, it doesn't mean that you guys are getting back together.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna play it cool.
- Hi.
- [QUARTET HARMONIZES "MMMBOP".]
Celeste, I know I messed up, but we both know we had something really special.
Now, listen, I spent the last few months giving you your space, and then I realized, that's not what you want.
No, you want me to make some big romantic gesture.
Here it is.
[LOUDLY, OFF-KEY.]
Doo-ba, da-da-da-doo Is that the right key? QUARTET: Yeah-eah Yeah, I just wanted to give you your mail.
Oh.
Um Okay, you guys can actually get out of here.
QUARTET: We literally have nowhere else to be Nowhere else to be Hello, everyone, and welcome to "The Marriage Green Card Interview Game Show"! I'm your host, Flip Sprinkleman! Nice to meet you, Michelle.
[WHISPERING.]
I am actually Hakim.
Now, let's jump right in.
When did you know you were in love? Well, Michelle had just sleepwalked into a Payless Shoe store And when Griselda paid for the shoes I sleep-shoplifted, I thought, "I love this woman".
Love? [BLOWS RASPBERRIES.]
Sorry I'm late, everybody.
I had to take the barbershop quartet to a Cracker Barrel, and then swung home, dipped into the old tequila collec-sh.
This is Casa de Rob Gronkowski, and you can't have none, 'cause you don't wash yo hands in the bathroom.
Hot tip, this mixes pretty bad with ice cream.
What's all this now? Uh, we're practicing for our interview.
Is everything okay? Everything is great.
Hey, I just learned that love is an illusion, that the people closest to us hurt us the most, and that we're all gonna die sad, broken, and alone.
Cheers.
So do you guys have any cute nicknames for each other? [PUNCHY BEAT.]
First lesson is there's tons of free food at open houses.
Wow, it is always so humbling to see how the less fortunate live.
This apartment is listed for $7.
5 million.
Oh, there she is.
Someone is glowing from her trip to Puerto Rico.
Spencer, stop it.
You're so bad.
Barbara, these are my associates.
They're foreign investors looking to sweep up some property in the area.
Yes, and I think this place is just incredible.
I particularly love that the bedroom does not lead into a waterslide.
And I love that it has neighbors.
To live in the same building as other humans? - Not gross at all.
- So cool.
Well, this unit offers the perfect high-growth opportunity.
It's in an up-and-coming neighborhood.
- It's got - Babs, yeah.
I love you, but as one legitimate realtor to another, that's ridiculous.
A pre-war doorman duplex below Canal Street with no southern exposure? Think we can both agree, the asking little inflated? [WHISPERING.]
Let me see what I can do.
Oh, uh-oh, is it magic time? - Yep, it is.
- Go girl.
Go girl, go work your magic.
All right, and go.
Now grab as many Blimpies as you can.
This is what we came here for? Yes, yes.
Great news.
I got them to go down to 7.
3.
[SIGHS.]
I'm afraid that just won't do.
As usual, your incompetence has made you look completely unprofessional.
Good day.
[PUNCHY BEAT.]
Okay, Michelle, your answer, please.
Where did you first meet? Meeting, that was your first mistake.
Ain't that right, Gronk? Grizzy Bear was the FedEx person at my office.
I ordered so much stuff just so she would come by.
I still have several hundred rolls of toilet paper - and a wife to use it with.
- Aw.
Eventually I caught on, but you know, at first I just thought you had a very disgusting intestinal issue.
How wonderful! Yeah, you should enjoy those memories, because soon they're gonna turn into nightmares.
Okay, next question! Oh, this is a good one.
Griselda.
Where did you go for your honeymoon? Oh, that's easy.
Nowhere.
Well, nowhere yet.
Well, we're going to go.
We're just saving up.
I told you, I'm willing to pay.
I told you that I'm paying half.
Uh-oh, cracks are starting to form.
See, pretty soon you're gonna be taking the bus down to Newark just to feel another human's hot breath on your skin.
You always get so tense when we talk about money.
Maybe we should discuss it, just in case it comes up in the interview.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Baby, we're partners.
You have to let me know what you're going through.
Did you know we still have separate bank accounts? Here she goes again with the separate accounts.
Because it's weird.
Don't you think that's weird? Super weird, yeah.
That's the elephant in the room, and elephants cheat on each other all the time.
I mean, if they're smart enough to bury their dead, you know they're sleeping around.
- Garrett.
- Hey, I'm just saying, okay? Be prepared that, one day, Michelle here, she's gonna open her door, not even notice the barbershop quartet you brought to sing Hanson, and just say, "Here's your mail".
She didn't even put it in a rubber band.
She just handed it to me all loosey-goosey.
[SOBS.]
The trick with these snooty joints is to act all fancy pants and squint a lot at the art.
That way, you can guzzle all the free wine you can chug while people think you're some art idiot.
Andromeda, I thought you'd be at the biennial.
[TOGETHER.]
Mwah.
Oh, you know I wouldn't dream of missing Lazlo's opening.
I'd sooner trade my de Kooning for a Thomas Kinkade.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, Jean-Pierre.
- Mm.
Now, take this jug, and fill it with wine.
It's fine if you mix them.
Mei Lin, I want a this.
Do we have $80,000? [QUIETLY.]
No, we don't, and you need to forget about that life.
This is who we are now.
We eat Blimpies, and we drink wine that was made in this century.
No, if I can't have everything I want all the time, then I don't understand the point of going on.
I'm going to the roof.
Dude, no! Just going to get some fresh air.
And think about ways to kill myself! He's not gonna do it.
He has a policy against walking up stairs.
There's no elevator.
Forget it.
See? I hope you're happy.
Ugh, I'm not.
I really overdid it on the Gronk.
No, you turned Griselda and Michelle against each other.
Look, they're gonna thank me someday, okay? At least now they know where they stand.
Oh, great, a Panera Bread coupon.
Really, universe, how much more of this can I take? Hey, hey, hey, 20% off and a free 6-ounce Dasani.
That's nothing to sneeze at.
No, it reminds me of Celeste.
Panera used to be our place.
You know, this one time, I had the chili, she had the clam chowder.
We didn't say a word.
Just stared at each other, and we switched bread bowls.
That's love, dude.
And then she just ended it without a conversation or anything.
I wish I could relate, but nothing like that has ever happened to me.
I'm kind of a dream boyfriend.
I don't think I'm ever gonna get over her unless I get some sort of closure.
I need to go talk to her.
Or you you take a breath, huh? Think on it for a moment, no rush Yeah, yeah, I'll go talk to her right now.
Oh, I see, you're no longer listening.
Oh, absolutely.
Good.
Thanks, man.
Good talk.
At least take a shower! - Here.
- Thank you.
We'll have this piece taken down and packed up for delivery.
What the hell? Did you just buy something? I had no choice.
I hadn't spent money in four hours, and I was starting to hear high-pitched buzzing in my head.
So the deposit came in.
Okay, we have to tell Jun Ho.
No, no, no, we can't.
Because the deposit didn't come in.
The truth is I have been saving.
- Don't judge me.
- What? You've had money this whole time and you didn't tell us? That's messed up.
Go to the bathroom, take your pants off, and fork over the Blimpies.
I had a good reason, okay? Look, for years, I have been telling Jun Ho that we should save a little for a rainy day.
Not much, just a hundred Gs here or there.
But he has no discipline.
So when our deposit didn't come in, I saw it as the perfect opportunity to teach him a lesson.
Tough love, like when my mom let me walk in on her and Frank French-kissing so I'd learn my lesson about knocking.
Exactly.
He needs to suffer.
Hey, guys, I think I ate too much cheese.
Do you know where the bathroom is? Yeah, it's upstairs.
Oh, no.
[PUNCHY BEAT.]
Hey, I'm not expecting you to take me back.
I just thought maybe we could talk over some soup, but the bread bowls are leaking, and the chowder one is white hot.
Can I just put these down? Actually, right now is not a good time.
Do you have somebody over? [LAUGHTER.]
That tool from Long Island just texted me.
I should hook up with him, right? Mallory? Wait a second.
You guys are friends? Did you just carry two bread bowls on the subway? I asked mine first.
So you break up with me, and then you become besties with my own sister? Way to go, Yoko.
I feel like you don't know who Yoko Ono is.
[LAUGHS.]
Damn right, I don't.
I went to Mallory because it was always so hard to talk to you.
Wait a second, this has been happening since we were dating? This is your fault.
You wanted Celeste all to yourself.
That's why you didn't want me to text her "I miss your smell".
- I do, by the way.
- Gross.
Look, I understand why puking on the BQE ruined my political career, okay, I do.
What I don't understand is why you would let it ruin our relationship.
We had four amazing years together.
How could you throw that away over one mistake? Because it wasn't just one mistake.
We had so many issues.
They just kept building up because you refused to ever talk about them.
Every time we got into a fight, you would just buy me flowers and take us to Medieval Times.
The Green Knight's understudy was an intern at my office.
- No big deal.
- That really isn't a big deal.
He wasn't even that good.
His vape pen fell out of his pocket during a joust, and he spent, like, ten minutes on the ground, looking for it.
Garrett, we broke up because you always did everything you could to avoid any kind of uncomfortable conversation.
Oh, wow.
[LAUGHS QUIETLY.]
This whole time I thought I was a Michelle, but it turns out I'm a Griselda.
Who? Oh, you don't know them, but I promise you it's a brilliant observation.
I gotta go.
Look, I may have screwed up our relationship, but I think I can save someone else's.
And I'm taking my bread bowls.
[PUNCHY BEAT.]
I don't understand what you don't get.
I'm trying to cut out the middleman.
Yes, and I understand the economics.
I just don't have any reason to buy your sperm.
[SCREAMS.]
Come on, Mei Lin, hasn't he suffered enough? Sorry, but Jun Ho needs to learn this lesson.
I don't.
He's the one who grew up in a four-jet household.
For most of my childhood, I lived with my mom, a poor hedge-fund manager who only made six figures.
Before bonuses, obviously.
Yeah, well, my mom spins one of those arrow signs outside of a mattress store, so I get it.
This is gonna be good for him.
And one day, he will be as responsible as me.
Now, let's go buy a bunch of iPhones and skip them on the river.
Yeah, I guess it would be easier just to ignore Jun Ho's pain.
Like I do with climate change and my genuine curiosity to try drag.
- Wait.
You wanna try drag? - No.
I mean, like, we could, but it'd be, like, your thing, and maybe I'd pick a name, like Zendaya-gram Mei Lin, care to explain? You bought a this.
[PUNCHY BEAT.]
Your office is so lovely.
Did you pick out this desk yourself? No, everything you see was assigned to me by the government.
Oh, well, you can tell the government that they knocked it out of the ballpark, desk-wise.
[LAUGHS.]
Isn't that right, honey bunny? It's a fine desk.
This is a pretty standard interview, just to make sure you're an actual couple.
- You don't have to be nervous.
- Green! Her toothbrush is green.
Ha, we get the points.
- That was easy.
- It's a government interview.
There are no points.
Let's talk about your honeymoon.
Where did you go? [LAUGHS.]
Haven't gone, actually.
We can't until my partner saves enough money in her bank account.
I like to look at it as our bank accounts that we keep our personal money in separately.
You keep separate bank accounts.
Why is that? This is all kind of personal and, frankly, inappropriate.
I mean, we just met, and you are sitting there behind your flashy desk prying into our marriage.
That's literally the whole point of this interview.
Okay, can we have a time-out, please? Why do we need one? 'Cause we thought we knew each other, but really we don't know each other at all.
We totally know each other.
Did you not hear me nail the toothbrush question? We kind of have a tight schedule here.
I'm not really allowed to stop the interview.
Hey, stop the interview! I've got something to say.
And don't worry, Michelle, I'm completely sober this time.
I mean, I had a beer.
I was pretty hungover this morning.
In my last relationship, I told myself that I didn't want to burden my ex with the truth.
What I was obviously really doing was avoiding difficult conversations because they were hard.
But it was so stupid for me to think that a night at Medieval Times would somehow make up for that.
Garrett, that guy you know wasn't very good.
Look, I really messed up a relationship because I didn't wanna open up, and I feel like you might be doing the same thing I did.
He's right.
The truth is, is that my big fear is that you'll see me as someone using you, for my citizenship or for money.
I just don't want you to ever doubt that my love for you is real.
Well, I'm glad you told me.
And for what it's worth, my toothbrush isn't green.
It's orange.
No, mine's the orange one.
- Oh.
- Ew.
Point is, they're amazing together.
What do you say you reset those points? Just give 'em another chance.
Come on.
Well, this is, by far, the most uncomfortable interview I've ever been a part of, and I'm not entirely sure who this gentleman is, which all leads me to believe that it's almost certainly a real relationship.
Can we get back to the questions? I'd like that.
Without me.
Yep.
Just, um, shut the door.
[PUNCHY BEAT.]
Where did you get the money to buy that sculpture? How did you find out I bought it? Well, it was quite simple, really.
After I was done calling the hospital to see how much money I could get for my cornea, I thought, "Why isn't Mei Lin doing the same thing?" So I tailed you all morning, but I didn't see anything suspicious, so I went home to take a nap, but then a man rang the doorbell and delivered this sculpture, and I was like, "Who bought this? We don't have any money".
And he was like, "Mei Lin".
And that's when I went and looked at all the Mei Lins in my phone, and I was like, "Wait a minute".
So I went down to the public records office, but then I forgot my hat, so I turned around and went back home Oh, my God, yes, fine.
I did save some money, and I didn't tell you because I was trying to teach you a lesson.
- Oh, teach me a lesson? - Yeah.
Well you should've done what all my teachers did.
Give up, because it's not worth the effort.
That sculpture needs to go back to the gallery.
We need the money.
Ugh! Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm drinking plain water.
This is what they use to fight fires with? No wonder those buildings wanna die.
Wait, if you knew she was saving money, then why are you drinking tap water? Because I don't know if we're ever gonna get another deposit again.
This is our new normal.
Probably gonna have to start reusing our mattresses at night.
Wait, Jun Ho, listen to yourself.
You just learned how to save.
I'm so proud of you.
So strange.
I'm happy, but I'm poor.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
Listen, listen, I'm so happy that I'm learning how to save, but in the future, I would really prefer if you were honest with me.
I was honest when you thought "Despacito" was about you.
And you were right.
It was about both of us.
I guess I learned a lesson too.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Congratulations to our winners, Michelle and Griselda, for being our best newlywed couple.
[APPLAUSE.]
You'll be taking home this lovely toaster.
That's mine.
Thanks for watching, and stay tuned for our Saturday night movie "Kid Millionaire".
And we're out.
Okay, I'm Hakim again.
I'm going to need that toaster back.
So I talked to my supervisors about taking some time off next month so that we can go on our honeymoon.
Oh, where are you guys going? Paris, Hawaii? Hell, no.
This is a honeymoon.
- We're going to Dollywood, baby.
- Yeah.
And we rented out the entire park so you won't have to wait in any line to sniff Dolly's wigs.
Thought you guys were saving money.
Oh, the government that seized our dad's money isn't a government anymore, so our deposit went through, but don't worry, we're being very responsible.
Let's go buy dolphins.
Mei Lin, we have to be responsible.
We'll buy one dolphin.
Hey, I just wanna say, I'm sorry for being super weird when I found out that you two were hanging out, and you have my blessing to continue being friends.
Yeah, I don't think we need your blessing.
Yeah, but you got it, and I'm sure that'll make you feel a little better.
- Not really.
We don't care.
- No, don't care at all.
But you do have it, so you're welcome.
And also I filled out the change of address form.
You won't be getting my mail at your place anymore.
Wait, you have to take this to the post office! [SIGHS.]
And he just wrote "Mallory's House" in the address line.
[PANTHER SNARLS.]
[LASER PINGS.]