Sunnyside (2019) s01e08 Episode Script
Too Many Lumpies
1 Oh, my gosh.
There are so many old home movies in here, and videos that you didn't return to Blockbuster.
Oh, "Soul Man"! Yo, this is one of my top ten 1980s blackface comedies.
Keep it, Beta, we're cleaning out the house to make room for my new Bowflex.
Now that I'm retired, I want to be one of those stringy old ladies who clearly works out too much.
Retirement is the best.
I'm taking a comedy class.
It's every Tuesday at the library.
Not.
Wait, so it's not in the library? Relax, snowflake, it's a joke.
I'm pushing boundaries.
Ooh, Mal, there are a whole bunch - of your old diaries in here.
- Wait, wait, don't read those.
- Don't don't - Oh, this is a list of boys.
Ooh.
Who aren't smart enough to be in your honors math class.
- Really? - Ha ha.
I was not that big of a nerd.
Nope, I was wrong.
I was a huge nerd.
Oh, my God, turn it off, turn it off.
Nope.
Mal, look at those glasses.
You were such a dork.
How humiliating for you.
Yo, Mal, the piano's wiggity wiggity wiggity wack! See, that was cool.
I gotta start wearing my clothes backwards again.
That was terrible.
Well, keep practicing, you'll get it right.
Hey, Mom, watch me.
Whoo! Nice moves! Ow.
It's okay, Beta.
It was an accident.
Wow, I had such an expressive face.
Like an Indian Haley Joel Osment.
Ay, yo, this is a message for my shorty, Tiffani Amber Thiessen.
Oh, no, no, this is nothing.
- Hey, no, no, no, turn it off.
- Nope, nope, nope.
I already put the remote down my shirt.
We are watching this.
Girl, I've been watching you walking the halls of Bayside High.
I know you're ready for a real man, someone who can take care of your needs.
I think we're quite finished.
All right, Mom, go rest up for Thanksgiving.
Save your energy for mashing them potatoes.
I don't wanna be a critic, but last year - too many lumpies.
- Oh, yes, right, about that.
We're thinking about not hosting Thanksgiving - this year.
- What? Wait, are you guys selling the house? Hey, don't touch my old computer, there are tons of normal files on there.
No, it's just a lot of work, plus they've opened a new two-story Olive Garden that we just love.
The waitresses are so nice, and most of them are pregnant.
Come on, a restaurant on Thanksgiving? What are we, a white family going through a divorce? No.
Hey, we'll host.
- Mm-mm.
- Okay! If that's what you want.
Are you sure you're okay with this, Mallory? Of course, why wouldn't I be? I love this idea.
- Okay.
- It's a plan.
- See you later.
- Bye, Betas.
I hope your elevator is working.
Ding.
Oh.
What the hell, man? I know, you have to stand behind a sofa for that elevator thing to work.
No, why did you volunteer me for Thanksgiving? What are you talking about? I volunteered us.
We both know that I'm gonna end up doing all the work.
And Mom will comment on every little thing that I do wrong.
Calm down, it's one dinner, and I promise, I will help you with it.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Okay, let's start with appetizers.
I can make a bruschetta.
Jot this down.
We'll need olive oil, garlic, diced tomatoes.
- Garrett! - I'm helping, I'm helping! And then the Native Americans invited the pilgrims for a big dinner as a way of saying welcome to your new home.
Isn't that just a nice story to help us forget the subsequent annihilation of an entire culture.
Of course, Hakim, but the real story would have made for a bummer of a Peanuts special.
Anyway, what's everyone doing for Thanksgiving? Ew, nothing.
Thanks? Pass.
Giving? How dare you? My mom's dumb boyfriend Frank is coming over.
They play footsie under the table, and every time I try to leave, Frank's like, "No, you being here is part of it".
I got nothing.
Erik is traveling.
And Michelle's family still thinks she's straight, so our gay friend Dustin is going and posing as her boyfriend.
And all my friends and family are back home in Ethiopia.
Unless they have all flown over in the middle of the night to surprise me.
Right? Nope.
All alone.
Well, wait a second, if none of you have plans, come over to my house Mallory and I are hosting.
Oh, sweet.
You know, I've been starving myself for the past two days so I can eat as much turkey as possible.
Nothing's passing these lips until that turkey's hot gravy load is busting its flavor juice all over my tight, pink mouth.
And yes, I know exactly how that sounds.
Well, this is great.
You're all gonna be able to meet my parents.
Your parents still talk to you even though you puked on a cop and got arrested? Uh, I puked on his car, and then later in his car, and then later on his desk, but, yeah, my parents never said anything about that.
They're cool with it.
Okay, your parents are immigrants, and you messed up that bad, and they didn't say anything? Yeah, so? Immigrant parents don't just let things slide.
They're hardcore.
An immigrant parent probably came up with waterboarding.
It was our father, and he makes 75 cents every time they do it.
Guys, not all immigrant parents are like that.
Griselda, you're pretty chill with Erik.
Oh, no, I mean, Erik is my baby, but if he had done what you did, he would've gotten a chancla to the head.
- What's a chancla? - It's a sandal, but when Dominican moms throw it, it's a weapon.
Back in my prime, I coulda hit a moving kid 50 yards away no problem.
Or maybe my parents just went easy on me because they like me.
That's it.
Or they just realized you were such a lost cause they gave up on you.
Or they had no faith in you to begin with.
Hey, Mal, you got a sec? Where have you been? I need your help.
Okay, but me first.
So Mom and Dad never got mad at me about the BQE thing because they're cool and relaxed, right? It's not because they, I don't know, this is just off the top of my head, but have zero expectations of me and have set the bar so low that there's literally nothing I can do to disappoint them? Oh no, that's exactly it.
They don't expect anything from you.
They put all that on me, and it was never good enough.
"Oh, did you hear that your cousin Pena got married?" Yeah, we've all seen her trot that white husband around like a show horse.
They had to have yelled at me at some point.
Ooh, there was that time I set that beanbag chair on fire.
No, they let me sleep in their bed for six months while my room aired out.
Okay, they didn't even yell at you when you spilled Grandpa's ashes and blamed it on the cat.
- Well - We didn't even have a cat.
It's like you're starring in a John Hughes movie.
Oh, please, if I were in a John Hughes movie, we both know I'd play the sexless exchange student.
Garrett, I really don't have time for this right now.
I'm drowning here, and I could really use an extra hand.
Ah, how about ten extra hands? What are you talking about? I invited my class.
I know, we seem like an unlikely group of friends, but we have really bonded over the last few months.
Whoa, my life really is like a John Hughes movie.
You were right about that.
And they'll be really helpful, I swear.
Excuse me, can you please get away from the stove? Yes, which one is stove? Just Oh! Why don't you guys have some appetizers in the living room? No, get that away from me, psycho.
Excuse me? Every year, some creep shoves a plate of dip in my face, and I ruin my appetite before I get to the turkey.
Frank's not here, so I'm getting the turkey leg.
I'm the man of the house.
Who wants to play footsie with me? You seem very overwhelmed.
May I help? Oh, thank God, yeah.
Can you put out some water? With pleasure.
Just a few questions.
Tap or sparkling? Room temp or ice? Glasses or a pitcher? Lemon wedges or coins? Or no lemons at all? If yes on the lemons, where are they? - And where is a knife to cut - Forget it, don't help me.
Hey, sweetie, can I give you some advice? Whenever the kids were bothering me, I would give them a few tasks to get them out of the kitchen.
- May I? - Oh, thank you.
We don't have enough food, and I'm thawing an extra turkey, but it won't be done in time, and my gravy it's clear for some reason.
Okay, listen up, Hakim, Brady, go to the store and go get some more food.
Jun Ho, Mei Lin, go set the table.
You can do that.
Even a seven-year-old can.
Uh, not true.
Our dad tried to hire seven-year-olds for his business, and people got real mad.
Yeah, 11 is about as low as you can go.
Sure, you can shove a bunch of 'em into the mines, but they dig so slow.
Wow! I'm finally in a real supermarket.
The pinnacle of American capitalism, an unnecessary amount of choice, most of which gets thrown in the garbage by underpaid employees with no health insurance.
You've really never been to a supermarket? I've only ever been to bodegas where the fruit is a little too close to the toilet cleaner.
But here they are so far apart! Yeah, let's just get what we need and split.
I can't be tempted by all this food.
But how do I choose? There are so many different kinds of corn.
This brand is America's Best but this one is Nature's Finest.
How do you compete with the finest in all of nature? Here, I'll help.
Let's go.
- You can't vape in my house.
- Yeah, it stinks, doesn't it? Just like your theory.
You think Mom and Dad have no expectations of me, so tonight I'm gonna be the worst son ever and get them to yell at me just to show you how wrong you are.
Yeah, or maybe instead of that, you could just make some mashed potatoes.
Ha, too late.
It's go time.
Ay, what up, freaks? Hey, you wanna join me for a quick vape sesh? I've been learning tricks.
I was trying to do smoke rings, and you messed me up.
Is anybody else really dizzy? Well, you must be very proud.
Mallory is a doctor and Garrett has an energy.
Yes, but it still feels weird raising American kids.
- Their accent is so odd.
- Mm.
"Can I have some cereal, Mom?" "Mom?" Tell me about it.
"Can Timmy sleep over?" Tell Timmy to sleep in his own bed.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna write that down.
Check this out.
Hey, yo Dad, what do you think of this chick, huh? Oh, wait, never mind.
She's in grad school.
Gross, do not like 'em smart.
- What's that? - It's Tinder, baby.
Tryin' to quench this thirst.
Oh, it's nice you're ready for another relationship.
Relationship? I'm only looking for a relationship with them cheeks.
Oh, Mallory, there was a pot overflowing in the kitchen, so I turned the flame down.
Yeah, I was following the recipe.
It said "make sure that the water goes everywhere".
Look, sweetie, I swiped for Garrett and I got a match.
Oh, she's pretty.
She says she's "bi-curious" Does that mean she wants to live on both coasts? Something like that.
Supermarkets are amazing! I got peppermint creamer, frozen lasagna, and a romance novel.
That's a solid Thursday night.
Can we go? I'm starting to do that thing where I look at a guy and I just see a big hot dog.
Oh, you mean that guy? I think he works here.
Hey, there, can I offer you a free sample? A free sample.
You may be dressed like a sausage, but you, my friend, are an angel Oh.
How 'bout you, buddy? What the hell, man? You really gonna offer me food when I'm clearly starving? Huh, "franks".
You think I don't know you're working for Frank? Is everyone crazy but me? "Thank you, Dr.
Mallory, for fixing my hand.
- I can finally draw again".
- Ugh, pathetic.
Doesn't even look like a real turkey.
- Throw it in the burn pile.
- Bye.
Ugh, we can't use any of this stuff.
Like what is this? It is beyond basic.
We need fresh ideas.
I think it's time we put our minds together.
Yes.
Oh, Jun Ho, no, we have to focus.
Stop thinking about Timothée Chalamet's Adam's apple.
I'm trying, Mei Lin, but it's always with me.
Do it.
Why is this a problem? I made stuffed mushrooms.
Oh, look, I love the char on these.
- Yep, there's char.
- I burned them, okay? Thanks for noticing.
No, it's a difficult recipe.
You'll get it next time.
Ugh, listen, you know I love y'all, right? Of course, Beta.
Good, 'cause I need $10,000 ASAP.
What for? Well, I just need to take a little me time, you know? Clear my head, learn to laugh again.
I'm thinking Tahiti, 4-star hotels of course.
Little Gar-gar's feetsies need Egyptian cotton.
- You have had a tough year.
- Yeah.
You're asking for our help.
- We'd be happy to.
- What? Wait a second, you're just gonna give me $10,000? What, are you crazy? Mallory, can I have a word with you, please? - Mm-hmm.
- "Hey, Mal, "can I grab you for a sec so we can have a quick chitchat?" That is what he sounds like.
Not! Uh, it is official.
Mallory's apartment is a creative black hole! I am up to my little bangs in mediocrity in here.
I mean, where does she keep her caviar? Or her poppers.
Is this even a kitchen?! I don't know if we're gonna come up with anything, and this is not gonna be one of those things where I look at something and get a bolt of inspiration like Oh, my God.
What is that? It's a turkey.
But it's in a body bag.
Do all turkeys come like this? Wait a minute.
Are they murdering turkeys by the millions and shoving them into bags? Industrialized murder.
I'm horrified! - But also horny.
- That's always a good sign.
Thanks.
Did you find everything to your liking? No, there's too much food here.
- You people are sick.
- Would you be interested in becoming a member of our City Save family? No, we're we're good, thank you, let's just I'm sorry.
Did you say "family"? That's the one thing my life is missing right now.
Well, that and a girlfriend, a job worthy of my intelligence, and a second pair of shoes.
Whatever, man.
Just fill out this form and you get a little card for your keys.
- No - Out of all the people you could have chosen This is the new me! - "Hakim City Save".
- Okay.
You honor me, Phillip.
Or should I say brother? Come on, go! No, I That's gotta come back.
I know you're not real, hot dog man! I am real! Oh, my God, you were right.
They don't care what I do.
And I was acting like a huge douche out there, even douche-ier than normal, and that's a very high bar of douche.
I'm the one who should be mad.
Mom's always riding me with her little comments.
"Oh, it's a difficult recipe.
You'll get it next time".
- Get bent! - This is why my life sucks.
If they had expected more from me, maybe I wouldn't be such a screw-up.
If they hadn't made me such a workaholic, I'd have a cool job like hip-hop motorcycle chef.
- What? - You see, I don't even know - any cool jobs! - Mal they ruined us.
It's their fault that we're like this.
Well, it's definitely not my fault.
I've never done anything wrong.
I've never even been yelled at.
No that's the problem! We need to say something.
Gah! - Let's drink to that.
- Hey! Why didn't you ever get mad at me? Ha.
Why would we be mad at you? I don't know, maybe because I puked on the BQE and became a national disgrace and embarrassed our family? Don't worry, Beta.
You made a mistake.
- But it's in the past.
- No it's not in the past, Mom.
I feel like my entire life you've only been telling me things that I wanted to hear.
Am I even 6'5"? And I am sick of having to be perfect for you! I just wanna mess stuff up! Nope, it's a red, it's gonna stain.
But imagine that I did it.
Okay, I think we should all just take a deep breath Well, I can't, because my lungs are still filled with cotton candy vape smoke because of you! I don't know what you want from us.
We just want you to be better parents.
Yeah.
I-I think we should leave.
Enjoy your Thanksgiving.
It was nice to meet you.
- How - You're 5'8".
What?! Okay, I didn't think they would leave, but it needed to be said.
I feel good.
- Feel a weight off my shoulders.
- Me too.
Okay, you guys probably don't wanna hear - what I have to say.
- You're right, we don't, because, as we said, we're feeling very good about what just happened, Griselda! Great news.
We set the table.
Dinner is served.
Oh, finally! Okay, let's just put everything aside and have a nice, quiet traditional Thanksgiving meal.
Oh, Jesus.
Happy Thanksgiving! We wanted to see the holiday from the turkey's point of view and shine a light on the horrors of factory farming.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the pain of 46 million slaughtered turkeys who had to die today.
Who wants sparkling cider? Oh, thank God! I'm so hungry, I could eat a No.
What is that? Thanksgiving.
There's nothing to throw up.
It's just air! Are we sure we don't wanna cook any of this or at least, uh, drain the beans? I'm done cooking.
I'm done living up to everyone's expectations.
Now, shut up and drink your bean water.
We're having fun! I read online that when a Thanksgiving dinner becomes unbearably tense the fun thing to do is go around the table and say what we're thankful for.
Thanks a great idea! Well, I'm thankful for not living under the thumb of my judgmental parents anymore.
And I'm thankful to be done blaming myself for my problems.
You know, maybe if we had parents who cared enough to discipline us - Ow! What the hell? - I can't take it anymore.
You two are the most ungrateful children I've met in my entire life, and I nannied for Lori Laughlin's kids.
Well, hang on a second, Griselda.
You don't know how hard we had it, we Ow! Why are you throwing your shoes at me? Leave him alone.
You have no idea what our parents Ow! - Why do you have three of those? - You want some of this, Chief? No, ma'am, sorry, Miss Griselda.
You just yelled at your parents for not yelling at you enough? Do you even know what they went through - to make you this spoiled? - Yeah, guys.
You really need to check your privilege.
Seriously.
And also, hire a kitchen staff.
Are we supposed to sing "Be Our Guest" to ourselves? Your parents came to this country and had to figure out a new culture, a new career all while raising you two idiots, so don't blame them if you're not "living your best life" and "finding your bliss"! Oh, my God.
Do we suck? - I think we do.
- Okay, we really need to - find them and apologize.
- Yeah.
Oh my first awkward American family dinner.
Kinda makes me miss my family.
Unless, they are right behind me! Nope.
Still alone.
Did you find them? They're not answering - their cell phone.
- They're not at home either.
What if something bad happened? Those can't be the last words I say to them.
My last words were supposed to be, "See ya at the crossroads".
Our parents weren't even that bad.
I mean, not like my friend Gretchen's parents who used to have threesomes with her math teacher.
None of this would have happened if we hadn't insisted on hosting Thanksgiving.
We should have just let them go to Oh, my God.
I know where they are.
- Come on.
- "See you at the crossroads"? - Really? - Well Excuse me, is it okay if we Literally, do whatever you want.
I just don't know if you're ready for it.
I'm going to take it slow, darling.
First open mic nights, build a following, then the next thing I know, Fallon calls, and I'm in a corvette with Jerry Seinfeld.
Oh, great.
Hey, Mom and Dad.
Well look who it is.
Not! That's still not quite right.
Look, we said some things we don't mean.
We never should have yelled at you, - and we're sorry.
- You're not bad parents.
Yeah? No kidding.
Especially compared to your friends.
You don't even want to know what Gretchen's parents were getting into.
But I do have to ask, though you know, I was kind of a screw-up.
Why didn't you ever yell at me? Because we knew it wouldn't help.
Ever since you were a kid, anytime you messed up - which was a lot - Remember when he borrowed the car without asking and parked it on the tracks - of the 7 train? - There weren't any "No parking" signs How was I supposed to know? It's an elevated track How did you get it up the stairs? Every time you messed up, you learned something.
When you had your incident on the BQE, we knew it was the lowest point of your life, but what good would it have done to pile on you some more? And look how much you learned from it.
You're helping all those people, and you didn't need us to tell you to do it.
Okay, but what about me? You always put so much pressure on me.
When? You put the pressure on yourself.
You had your homework notarized to prove you didn't cheat! Look how stressed out you got about making this Thanksgiving perfect.
And obviously, we don't care about food.
We're at the Olive Garden.
Honestly, we're all kind of afraid of you.
You are a doctor.
Maybe prescribe yourself a chill pill! Seinfeld's gonna love that.
Look, are we perfect parents? Probably not.
But we just tried to give each of you what we thought you needed from us.
And most of the time, we were just making it up as we went along.
That's what being a parent is.
Not that either of you will know anything about that anytime soon.
Well, I might be dating somebody - from "World of Warcraft".
- I didn't even know that my ex was married until three months in.
God, we really screwed up today.
Look, we really love you both.
Can we try Thanksgiving again? We'll do it right this time.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Susan, how many free breadsticks can we take with us? You can have the trash bag by the dumpster if the raccoons haven't claimed it yet.
Oh, we kinda have to try.
Their breadsticks are pretty good.
Oh my journey is over.
Look at all these take-out containers.
I know, it's like a graveyard full of plastic.
It's just gonna flood out into the ocean, and some majestic sea creature is gonna gobble it all up.
Oh, my God.
We have our theme for next year.
The Giant Floating Garbage Patch in the Middle of the Ocean! - Oh! - I remember when we first got to this country.
All the chain restaurants were so exciting.
We ate at a different fast food place every night for a month.
And we knew when we had to buy elastic pants that we were truly American.
I had a very dark period with Cinnabon.
- I'm lucky I kept my foot.
- Well, hey, can I just say how thankful I am that we're all here together? I think this is probably - what the pilgrims had in mind.
- Are you serious? Weren't they all white people from the 1600s? This table would have been their worst nightmare.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
I guess they'd probably try to kill us all and eat our dinner.
Well, hey, happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
There are so many old home movies in here, and videos that you didn't return to Blockbuster.
Oh, "Soul Man"! Yo, this is one of my top ten 1980s blackface comedies.
Keep it, Beta, we're cleaning out the house to make room for my new Bowflex.
Now that I'm retired, I want to be one of those stringy old ladies who clearly works out too much.
Retirement is the best.
I'm taking a comedy class.
It's every Tuesday at the library.
Not.
Wait, so it's not in the library? Relax, snowflake, it's a joke.
I'm pushing boundaries.
Ooh, Mal, there are a whole bunch - of your old diaries in here.
- Wait, wait, don't read those.
- Don't don't - Oh, this is a list of boys.
Ooh.
Who aren't smart enough to be in your honors math class.
- Really? - Ha ha.
I was not that big of a nerd.
Nope, I was wrong.
I was a huge nerd.
Oh, my God, turn it off, turn it off.
Nope.
Mal, look at those glasses.
You were such a dork.
How humiliating for you.
Yo, Mal, the piano's wiggity wiggity wiggity wack! See, that was cool.
I gotta start wearing my clothes backwards again.
That was terrible.
Well, keep practicing, you'll get it right.
Hey, Mom, watch me.
Whoo! Nice moves! Ow.
It's okay, Beta.
It was an accident.
Wow, I had such an expressive face.
Like an Indian Haley Joel Osment.
Ay, yo, this is a message for my shorty, Tiffani Amber Thiessen.
Oh, no, no, this is nothing.
- Hey, no, no, no, turn it off.
- Nope, nope, nope.
I already put the remote down my shirt.
We are watching this.
Girl, I've been watching you walking the halls of Bayside High.
I know you're ready for a real man, someone who can take care of your needs.
I think we're quite finished.
All right, Mom, go rest up for Thanksgiving.
Save your energy for mashing them potatoes.
I don't wanna be a critic, but last year - too many lumpies.
- Oh, yes, right, about that.
We're thinking about not hosting Thanksgiving - this year.
- What? Wait, are you guys selling the house? Hey, don't touch my old computer, there are tons of normal files on there.
No, it's just a lot of work, plus they've opened a new two-story Olive Garden that we just love.
The waitresses are so nice, and most of them are pregnant.
Come on, a restaurant on Thanksgiving? What are we, a white family going through a divorce? No.
Hey, we'll host.
- Mm-mm.
- Okay! If that's what you want.
Are you sure you're okay with this, Mallory? Of course, why wouldn't I be? I love this idea.
- Okay.
- It's a plan.
- See you later.
- Bye, Betas.
I hope your elevator is working.
Ding.
Oh.
What the hell, man? I know, you have to stand behind a sofa for that elevator thing to work.
No, why did you volunteer me for Thanksgiving? What are you talking about? I volunteered us.
We both know that I'm gonna end up doing all the work.
And Mom will comment on every little thing that I do wrong.
Calm down, it's one dinner, and I promise, I will help you with it.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Okay, let's start with appetizers.
I can make a bruschetta.
Jot this down.
We'll need olive oil, garlic, diced tomatoes.
- Garrett! - I'm helping, I'm helping! And then the Native Americans invited the pilgrims for a big dinner as a way of saying welcome to your new home.
Isn't that just a nice story to help us forget the subsequent annihilation of an entire culture.
Of course, Hakim, but the real story would have made for a bummer of a Peanuts special.
Anyway, what's everyone doing for Thanksgiving? Ew, nothing.
Thanks? Pass.
Giving? How dare you? My mom's dumb boyfriend Frank is coming over.
They play footsie under the table, and every time I try to leave, Frank's like, "No, you being here is part of it".
I got nothing.
Erik is traveling.
And Michelle's family still thinks she's straight, so our gay friend Dustin is going and posing as her boyfriend.
And all my friends and family are back home in Ethiopia.
Unless they have all flown over in the middle of the night to surprise me.
Right? Nope.
All alone.
Well, wait a second, if none of you have plans, come over to my house Mallory and I are hosting.
Oh, sweet.
You know, I've been starving myself for the past two days so I can eat as much turkey as possible.
Nothing's passing these lips until that turkey's hot gravy load is busting its flavor juice all over my tight, pink mouth.
And yes, I know exactly how that sounds.
Well, this is great.
You're all gonna be able to meet my parents.
Your parents still talk to you even though you puked on a cop and got arrested? Uh, I puked on his car, and then later in his car, and then later on his desk, but, yeah, my parents never said anything about that.
They're cool with it.
Okay, your parents are immigrants, and you messed up that bad, and they didn't say anything? Yeah, so? Immigrant parents don't just let things slide.
They're hardcore.
An immigrant parent probably came up with waterboarding.
It was our father, and he makes 75 cents every time they do it.
Guys, not all immigrant parents are like that.
Griselda, you're pretty chill with Erik.
Oh, no, I mean, Erik is my baby, but if he had done what you did, he would've gotten a chancla to the head.
- What's a chancla? - It's a sandal, but when Dominican moms throw it, it's a weapon.
Back in my prime, I coulda hit a moving kid 50 yards away no problem.
Or maybe my parents just went easy on me because they like me.
That's it.
Or they just realized you were such a lost cause they gave up on you.
Or they had no faith in you to begin with.
Hey, Mal, you got a sec? Where have you been? I need your help.
Okay, but me first.
So Mom and Dad never got mad at me about the BQE thing because they're cool and relaxed, right? It's not because they, I don't know, this is just off the top of my head, but have zero expectations of me and have set the bar so low that there's literally nothing I can do to disappoint them? Oh no, that's exactly it.
They don't expect anything from you.
They put all that on me, and it was never good enough.
"Oh, did you hear that your cousin Pena got married?" Yeah, we've all seen her trot that white husband around like a show horse.
They had to have yelled at me at some point.
Ooh, there was that time I set that beanbag chair on fire.
No, they let me sleep in their bed for six months while my room aired out.
Okay, they didn't even yell at you when you spilled Grandpa's ashes and blamed it on the cat.
- Well - We didn't even have a cat.
It's like you're starring in a John Hughes movie.
Oh, please, if I were in a John Hughes movie, we both know I'd play the sexless exchange student.
Garrett, I really don't have time for this right now.
I'm drowning here, and I could really use an extra hand.
Ah, how about ten extra hands? What are you talking about? I invited my class.
I know, we seem like an unlikely group of friends, but we have really bonded over the last few months.
Whoa, my life really is like a John Hughes movie.
You were right about that.
And they'll be really helpful, I swear.
Excuse me, can you please get away from the stove? Yes, which one is stove? Just Oh! Why don't you guys have some appetizers in the living room? No, get that away from me, psycho.
Excuse me? Every year, some creep shoves a plate of dip in my face, and I ruin my appetite before I get to the turkey.
Frank's not here, so I'm getting the turkey leg.
I'm the man of the house.
Who wants to play footsie with me? You seem very overwhelmed.
May I help? Oh, thank God, yeah.
Can you put out some water? With pleasure.
Just a few questions.
Tap or sparkling? Room temp or ice? Glasses or a pitcher? Lemon wedges or coins? Or no lemons at all? If yes on the lemons, where are they? - And where is a knife to cut - Forget it, don't help me.
Hey, sweetie, can I give you some advice? Whenever the kids were bothering me, I would give them a few tasks to get them out of the kitchen.
- May I? - Oh, thank you.
We don't have enough food, and I'm thawing an extra turkey, but it won't be done in time, and my gravy it's clear for some reason.
Okay, listen up, Hakim, Brady, go to the store and go get some more food.
Jun Ho, Mei Lin, go set the table.
You can do that.
Even a seven-year-old can.
Uh, not true.
Our dad tried to hire seven-year-olds for his business, and people got real mad.
Yeah, 11 is about as low as you can go.
Sure, you can shove a bunch of 'em into the mines, but they dig so slow.
Wow! I'm finally in a real supermarket.
The pinnacle of American capitalism, an unnecessary amount of choice, most of which gets thrown in the garbage by underpaid employees with no health insurance.
You've really never been to a supermarket? I've only ever been to bodegas where the fruit is a little too close to the toilet cleaner.
But here they are so far apart! Yeah, let's just get what we need and split.
I can't be tempted by all this food.
But how do I choose? There are so many different kinds of corn.
This brand is America's Best but this one is Nature's Finest.
How do you compete with the finest in all of nature? Here, I'll help.
Let's go.
- You can't vape in my house.
- Yeah, it stinks, doesn't it? Just like your theory.
You think Mom and Dad have no expectations of me, so tonight I'm gonna be the worst son ever and get them to yell at me just to show you how wrong you are.
Yeah, or maybe instead of that, you could just make some mashed potatoes.
Ha, too late.
It's go time.
Ay, what up, freaks? Hey, you wanna join me for a quick vape sesh? I've been learning tricks.
I was trying to do smoke rings, and you messed me up.
Is anybody else really dizzy? Well, you must be very proud.
Mallory is a doctor and Garrett has an energy.
Yes, but it still feels weird raising American kids.
- Their accent is so odd.
- Mm.
"Can I have some cereal, Mom?" "Mom?" Tell me about it.
"Can Timmy sleep over?" Tell Timmy to sleep in his own bed.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna write that down.
Check this out.
Hey, yo Dad, what do you think of this chick, huh? Oh, wait, never mind.
She's in grad school.
Gross, do not like 'em smart.
- What's that? - It's Tinder, baby.
Tryin' to quench this thirst.
Oh, it's nice you're ready for another relationship.
Relationship? I'm only looking for a relationship with them cheeks.
Oh, Mallory, there was a pot overflowing in the kitchen, so I turned the flame down.
Yeah, I was following the recipe.
It said "make sure that the water goes everywhere".
Look, sweetie, I swiped for Garrett and I got a match.
Oh, she's pretty.
She says she's "bi-curious" Does that mean she wants to live on both coasts? Something like that.
Supermarkets are amazing! I got peppermint creamer, frozen lasagna, and a romance novel.
That's a solid Thursday night.
Can we go? I'm starting to do that thing where I look at a guy and I just see a big hot dog.
Oh, you mean that guy? I think he works here.
Hey, there, can I offer you a free sample? A free sample.
You may be dressed like a sausage, but you, my friend, are an angel Oh.
How 'bout you, buddy? What the hell, man? You really gonna offer me food when I'm clearly starving? Huh, "franks".
You think I don't know you're working for Frank? Is everyone crazy but me? "Thank you, Dr.
Mallory, for fixing my hand.
- I can finally draw again".
- Ugh, pathetic.
Doesn't even look like a real turkey.
- Throw it in the burn pile.
- Bye.
Ugh, we can't use any of this stuff.
Like what is this? It is beyond basic.
We need fresh ideas.
I think it's time we put our minds together.
Yes.
Oh, Jun Ho, no, we have to focus.
Stop thinking about Timothée Chalamet's Adam's apple.
I'm trying, Mei Lin, but it's always with me.
Do it.
Why is this a problem? I made stuffed mushrooms.
Oh, look, I love the char on these.
- Yep, there's char.
- I burned them, okay? Thanks for noticing.
No, it's a difficult recipe.
You'll get it next time.
Ugh, listen, you know I love y'all, right? Of course, Beta.
Good, 'cause I need $10,000 ASAP.
What for? Well, I just need to take a little me time, you know? Clear my head, learn to laugh again.
I'm thinking Tahiti, 4-star hotels of course.
Little Gar-gar's feetsies need Egyptian cotton.
- You have had a tough year.
- Yeah.
You're asking for our help.
- We'd be happy to.
- What? Wait a second, you're just gonna give me $10,000? What, are you crazy? Mallory, can I have a word with you, please? - Mm-hmm.
- "Hey, Mal, "can I grab you for a sec so we can have a quick chitchat?" That is what he sounds like.
Not! Uh, it is official.
Mallory's apartment is a creative black hole! I am up to my little bangs in mediocrity in here.
I mean, where does she keep her caviar? Or her poppers.
Is this even a kitchen?! I don't know if we're gonna come up with anything, and this is not gonna be one of those things where I look at something and get a bolt of inspiration like Oh, my God.
What is that? It's a turkey.
But it's in a body bag.
Do all turkeys come like this? Wait a minute.
Are they murdering turkeys by the millions and shoving them into bags? Industrialized murder.
I'm horrified! - But also horny.
- That's always a good sign.
Thanks.
Did you find everything to your liking? No, there's too much food here.
- You people are sick.
- Would you be interested in becoming a member of our City Save family? No, we're we're good, thank you, let's just I'm sorry.
Did you say "family"? That's the one thing my life is missing right now.
Well, that and a girlfriend, a job worthy of my intelligence, and a second pair of shoes.
Whatever, man.
Just fill out this form and you get a little card for your keys.
- No - Out of all the people you could have chosen This is the new me! - "Hakim City Save".
- Okay.
You honor me, Phillip.
Or should I say brother? Come on, go! No, I That's gotta come back.
I know you're not real, hot dog man! I am real! Oh, my God, you were right.
They don't care what I do.
And I was acting like a huge douche out there, even douche-ier than normal, and that's a very high bar of douche.
I'm the one who should be mad.
Mom's always riding me with her little comments.
"Oh, it's a difficult recipe.
You'll get it next time".
- Get bent! - This is why my life sucks.
If they had expected more from me, maybe I wouldn't be such a screw-up.
If they hadn't made me such a workaholic, I'd have a cool job like hip-hop motorcycle chef.
- What? - You see, I don't even know - any cool jobs! - Mal they ruined us.
It's their fault that we're like this.
Well, it's definitely not my fault.
I've never done anything wrong.
I've never even been yelled at.
No that's the problem! We need to say something.
Gah! - Let's drink to that.
- Hey! Why didn't you ever get mad at me? Ha.
Why would we be mad at you? I don't know, maybe because I puked on the BQE and became a national disgrace and embarrassed our family? Don't worry, Beta.
You made a mistake.
- But it's in the past.
- No it's not in the past, Mom.
I feel like my entire life you've only been telling me things that I wanted to hear.
Am I even 6'5"? And I am sick of having to be perfect for you! I just wanna mess stuff up! Nope, it's a red, it's gonna stain.
But imagine that I did it.
Okay, I think we should all just take a deep breath Well, I can't, because my lungs are still filled with cotton candy vape smoke because of you! I don't know what you want from us.
We just want you to be better parents.
Yeah.
I-I think we should leave.
Enjoy your Thanksgiving.
It was nice to meet you.
- How - You're 5'8".
What?! Okay, I didn't think they would leave, but it needed to be said.
I feel good.
- Feel a weight off my shoulders.
- Me too.
Okay, you guys probably don't wanna hear - what I have to say.
- You're right, we don't, because, as we said, we're feeling very good about what just happened, Griselda! Great news.
We set the table.
Dinner is served.
Oh, finally! Okay, let's just put everything aside and have a nice, quiet traditional Thanksgiving meal.
Oh, Jesus.
Happy Thanksgiving! We wanted to see the holiday from the turkey's point of view and shine a light on the horrors of factory farming.
So sit back, relax, and enjoy the pain of 46 million slaughtered turkeys who had to die today.
Who wants sparkling cider? Oh, thank God! I'm so hungry, I could eat a No.
What is that? Thanksgiving.
There's nothing to throw up.
It's just air! Are we sure we don't wanna cook any of this or at least, uh, drain the beans? I'm done cooking.
I'm done living up to everyone's expectations.
Now, shut up and drink your bean water.
We're having fun! I read online that when a Thanksgiving dinner becomes unbearably tense the fun thing to do is go around the table and say what we're thankful for.
Thanks a great idea! Well, I'm thankful for not living under the thumb of my judgmental parents anymore.
And I'm thankful to be done blaming myself for my problems.
You know, maybe if we had parents who cared enough to discipline us - Ow! What the hell? - I can't take it anymore.
You two are the most ungrateful children I've met in my entire life, and I nannied for Lori Laughlin's kids.
Well, hang on a second, Griselda.
You don't know how hard we had it, we Ow! Why are you throwing your shoes at me? Leave him alone.
You have no idea what our parents Ow! - Why do you have three of those? - You want some of this, Chief? No, ma'am, sorry, Miss Griselda.
You just yelled at your parents for not yelling at you enough? Do you even know what they went through - to make you this spoiled? - Yeah, guys.
You really need to check your privilege.
Seriously.
And also, hire a kitchen staff.
Are we supposed to sing "Be Our Guest" to ourselves? Your parents came to this country and had to figure out a new culture, a new career all while raising you two idiots, so don't blame them if you're not "living your best life" and "finding your bliss"! Oh, my God.
Do we suck? - I think we do.
- Okay, we really need to - find them and apologize.
- Yeah.
Oh my first awkward American family dinner.
Kinda makes me miss my family.
Unless, they are right behind me! Nope.
Still alone.
Did you find them? They're not answering - their cell phone.
- They're not at home either.
What if something bad happened? Those can't be the last words I say to them.
My last words were supposed to be, "See ya at the crossroads".
Our parents weren't even that bad.
I mean, not like my friend Gretchen's parents who used to have threesomes with her math teacher.
None of this would have happened if we hadn't insisted on hosting Thanksgiving.
We should have just let them go to Oh, my God.
I know where they are.
- Come on.
- "See you at the crossroads"? - Really? - Well Excuse me, is it okay if we Literally, do whatever you want.
I just don't know if you're ready for it.
I'm going to take it slow, darling.
First open mic nights, build a following, then the next thing I know, Fallon calls, and I'm in a corvette with Jerry Seinfeld.
Oh, great.
Hey, Mom and Dad.
Well look who it is.
Not! That's still not quite right.
Look, we said some things we don't mean.
We never should have yelled at you, - and we're sorry.
- You're not bad parents.
Yeah? No kidding.
Especially compared to your friends.
You don't even want to know what Gretchen's parents were getting into.
But I do have to ask, though you know, I was kind of a screw-up.
Why didn't you ever yell at me? Because we knew it wouldn't help.
Ever since you were a kid, anytime you messed up - which was a lot - Remember when he borrowed the car without asking and parked it on the tracks - of the 7 train? - There weren't any "No parking" signs How was I supposed to know? It's an elevated track How did you get it up the stairs? Every time you messed up, you learned something.
When you had your incident on the BQE, we knew it was the lowest point of your life, but what good would it have done to pile on you some more? And look how much you learned from it.
You're helping all those people, and you didn't need us to tell you to do it.
Okay, but what about me? You always put so much pressure on me.
When? You put the pressure on yourself.
You had your homework notarized to prove you didn't cheat! Look how stressed out you got about making this Thanksgiving perfect.
And obviously, we don't care about food.
We're at the Olive Garden.
Honestly, we're all kind of afraid of you.
You are a doctor.
Maybe prescribe yourself a chill pill! Seinfeld's gonna love that.
Look, are we perfect parents? Probably not.
But we just tried to give each of you what we thought you needed from us.
And most of the time, we were just making it up as we went along.
That's what being a parent is.
Not that either of you will know anything about that anytime soon.
Well, I might be dating somebody - from "World of Warcraft".
- I didn't even know that my ex was married until three months in.
God, we really screwed up today.
Look, we really love you both.
Can we try Thanksgiving again? We'll do it right this time.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Susan, how many free breadsticks can we take with us? You can have the trash bag by the dumpster if the raccoons haven't claimed it yet.
Oh, we kinda have to try.
Their breadsticks are pretty good.
Oh my journey is over.
Look at all these take-out containers.
I know, it's like a graveyard full of plastic.
It's just gonna flood out into the ocean, and some majestic sea creature is gonna gobble it all up.
Oh, my God.
We have our theme for next year.
The Giant Floating Garbage Patch in the Middle of the Ocean! - Oh! - I remember when we first got to this country.
All the chain restaurants were so exciting.
We ate at a different fast food place every night for a month.
And we knew when we had to buy elastic pants that we were truly American.
I had a very dark period with Cinnabon.
- I'm lucky I kept my foot.
- Well, hey, can I just say how thankful I am that we're all here together? I think this is probably - what the pilgrims had in mind.
- Are you serious? Weren't they all white people from the 1600s? This table would have been their worst nightmare.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
I guess they'd probably try to kill us all and eat our dinner.
Well, hey, happy Thanksgiving, everyone.