Sunnyside (2019) s01e10 Episode Script
I Don't Know Her
1 [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
All right, next presentation.
Mei Lin and Jun Ho, you're up first.
The scene: Germany.
It's a time of tension and strife.
A reporter approaches one Miss Mariah Carey.
Quick background: earlier that year, Jennifer Lopez had used a sample for "I'm Real" that Mariah had been planning on using for "Lover Boy", remember that.
- Why? - The reporter first asks Mariah, "What do you think about Beyoncé?" [AS MARIAH CAREY.]
"I love Beyoncé, Beyoncé's fabulous, great singer".
Little did we know the world would change forever.
The reporter goes on to ask a seemingly innocuous question: "What about J-Lo?" [AS MARIAH CAREY.]
"I don't know her".
I don't know her.
A day that will live in infamy.
O-okay, so, wait, she does know her? Don't be obtuse, Griselda.
She knows exactly who she is.
End of presentation.
We will not be taking questions.
Oh, okay.
Um, well, thank you.
I should remind you that the topic of your presentation was the Federal Reserve System.
[LAUGHING.]
And what is that? Well, I guess since this isn't a real class, I can't really give you detention, so let's move on.
Brady, you're up next.
Straight up didn't do it.
Seriously, guys? You know, FYI, these are scratch-and-sniff stickers, and now none of you are getting them because none of you did a great job.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Sorry we're late.
Big day registering voters! It was exhilarating.
When you approach someone with a clipboard, and see the panicked look on their face as they avoid eye contact with you, that's the good stuff.
Ah, nothing like walking through the streets of New York City to be reminded of how many people masturbate in public.
So how many voters did you register? In just nine short hours we registered [DRUMROLL.]
Five new voters! No, wait, somebody wrote "Baba Booey" on every line.
Four new voters! This is crazy.
Voting is so important.
How else will you get the chance to stand in line in a hot church and give corrupt golf enthusiasts limitless power? Well, I'd love to give you one more, but I'm pretty sure I'm already registered.
What do you mean, pretty sure? Aren't you automatically registered when you, like, open a bank account, or battle at a Pokémon gym? Garrett, are you not registered? Have you ever voted? I voted for myself first couple of times, and I voted for President Obama! On a BuzzFeed poll for best beach bod.
Such an important day for America.
I still remember where I was when he beat Ashton Kutcher.
Look, there are 10 million people in New York City.
My one vote doesn't really matter, especially when there are people like you who actually know what they're voting about.
We're not citizens! We can't vote.
Well, sure, not for, like, president or whatever, but locally, can't you vote for, like, city comptroller? Is that a person people vote for, or is that like a friendly robot? Man, I do not know a lot about democracy.
People with a green card or a visa can serve in the military and pay taxes, but we don't have any say in where those tax dollars go or who represents us.
- What? - You were in the City Council! How do you not know this? If we're gonna go back and dredge up every little thing I don't know, we're gonna be here for a very long time.
You have a point.
Every time we ask you to find Alaska on a map, you pretend to take a phone call.
I promised I would help you.
Let me see what I can do.
I'm gonna go talk to Diana.
Can you at least make sure you're registered to vote? I'll do it when I get there.
There's a Pokémon gym, like, right by her office.
So, we could use some extra hands out in the field.
You two interested in knocking on some doors? Oh, I'd love to, but I just got my knuckles Botoxed.
Yeah, and our dad always taught us to avoid politics.
It's better to just fund the rebels directly.
I think it would be good for you two to do something other than think about yourselves for a change.
Give me a break, Jun Ho.
Oh.
Now I hear it, Jun Ho.
I promise you, if you come with us, and get even one person registered to vote, you will feel a sense of inspiration that will change your life.
Why would we wanna change our lives? We're hot and rich and not smart enough to feel guilty about any of it.
I'll let you straighten my hair.
- [BOTH GASP.]
- Oh, my God, finally! What are we gonna do with all those little curls? Make it into a dress for Fashion Week, and then we're gonna do a nude photo shoot in which all we wear is your hair.
Now, let's go register some cars! - Voters! - Whatever! [PERCUSSIVE HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Pretty good speech.
Although, it's not really accurate to say that the T.
Rex was the largest carnivorous dinosaur since the Spinosaurus was three times bigger.
Don't feel bad, though, because dino newbs make that mistake all the time.
- It's one of those things - Hey, sorry.
- Am I interrupting? - No.
Brady's actually helping me with a speech for the opening of a new exhibit at the Natural History Museum.
He actually knows a lot about dinosaurs.
[WHEEZING LAUGHTER.]
Those aren't even my models Oh! Don't touch that! Don't touch Bronty! So why are you giving a speech at the Museum of Natural History? I happen to have a seat on the Cultural Affairs Committee.
Oh, whoa, that's the best committee! You get to go to the Met Gala.
Who cares about the Met Gala? They gave me a private tour of the library last week and gave me a special card saying I can't be shushed.
Cool.
So I have a question.
Did you know that green card holders can't vote in local elections? I mean, yeah.
I wrote my dissertation on systemic disenfranchisement at Columbia.
Sheesh, you could've just said "yeah".
Anyway, I just found out that my students can't vote, and I thought it might kinda be a cool little present to, I don't know, give them that? You think you can get that done before the holidays? It would save me a lot of money on gifts.
No, I can't just give them that, but I have been trying.
I actually wrote a bill that's been sitting in committee for months, and the Staten Island contingent is stonewalling me.
Well, those guys are old-school, okay? They're not gonna budge on anything until you give them something in return.
One time, they held up an entire city budget until we let them throw this actually really sick party in the Statue of Liberty's head.
Hey, I could go talk to them if you want, see what it'll take to get them to change their vote.
Or you can do absolutely nothing and stay out of it so I can keep writing my bill until it's so good everybody supports it.
Oh, hunty.
You can see yourself out.
Yeah, I should probably take off too.
Um, I was gonna leave these dinosaurs here 'cause not mine.
They are collector's items, though, so I need you to promise me that they'll be properly stored in their case until I come back.
Sure.
Sorry, I need you to look me in the eyes and say, "I promise".
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
We are gonna register someone to vote, and then we are gonna get them curls so straight, they're gonna buy their jeans at Costco.
This is where democracy happens! Step away from the door, or I will eat you! And this is where we run.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
- [BABY CRYING.]
- Hi! Would you be interested in registering to vote? This is not a good time! Hold this? Ollie? Ollie, sit down! Well, I guess this is mine now.
- [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
- Hello.
Hi, sir, this will not take more than a moment of your time.
That's disappointing.
I have all afternoon.
Great, because we wanted to talk to you about registering to vote.
Sorry, I'm confused.
Are you four not the people I hired to pour orange juice in my butt? No.
Would you like to be the people I hired This is another running situation! [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Maybe we should hear him out at least! Guys, we can't get discouraged.
Sure, we've had some setbacks.
Sure, we've probably all had bedbugs because that one guy threw bedbugs on us, but that's democracy.
We can't give up! Oh, I'm not giving up, okay, because seeing all this hair in one floor-length side pony is literally the only thing that's keeping me going right now! Also, I've never had this many people say no to me, and I'm not saying it's erotic, but I am saying it's having an effect.
- [KNOCKS.]
- Hi, ma'am, we are registering voters for the upcoming election.
Oh, that's nice! Oh, my God! Wait, you wanna register? Well, um, let me think about it? Um, put me down as a maybe.
[HEAVY BREATHING.]
- A maybe? Is she serious? - No, this is good! This is way better than what we've gotten so far.
You know what they say: With patience, every tadpole will eventually sprout flippers and achieve genitalia! In my language, the saying is much more beautiful.
[PERCUSSIVE HIP-HOP.]
Diana is so naive! Politics is about making deals.
She needs to play the game.
Well, she's got a lot of dinosaur models to put away properly, so she's probably just focused on that.
Yeah, well, if she does it her way, it's never gonna get done.
I'm gonna go to Staten Island and talk to those guys.
See if I can get them to move the ball a little bit.
Have you ever been to Staten Island? Ew, gross, no.
Why would I ever go to Staten Island? Be careful.
My mom's boyfriend Frank is from there, and people are very sensitive about it.
Don't mention all the garbage dumps, or the corruption, or the mafia hits, or the really bad restaurants, or the complete lack of culture of any kind, or the Verrazzano Bridge, New York's worst bridge, or the ferry explosions, or that, geographically speaking, it should really be in New Jersey, or the crappy colleges, or the boat graveyard, or the weird pizza, or the aggressive wild turkeys roaming the streets.
Thank you for the advice.
When I come back, you guys will have the right to vote, and I'll probably be a little drunk, 'cause you can drink on the ferry.
Remember, if one of those animals comes at you, just run.
You don't know what kind of diseases they're carrying.
Wait, turkeys carry diseases? No, I'm talking about people that live on Staten Island.
Hey, what's up, guys? Hey, Garrett Modi! Welcome to Staten Island.
How you doin'? Hey, no complaints! Took the ferry in, had a great view of the city Oh, what do you mean, great view of the city? Staten Island's in New York City.
No, I know.
I mean, I had a great view everywhere, all the places.
Just because you can't take the subway here, doesn't mean it's not in New York City.
And we have our own subway.
It's ridden by dozens of people every day, and some of 'em don't live on it.
I know that, and you know I love it.
I love that there's only one line that doesn't connect to anything, makes it way less confusing.
Right? So what you been up to since the whole thing with the BQE and the cops - and the puking? - [LAUGHTER.]
Hey, no joke, best thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm not kidding.
I do not miss the council at all.
I'm so glad to be out of that dump.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
The D word? You're coming in here and using the D word as a pejorative? They're called landfills now, and they're nothing to be ashamed of.
If nobody took the garbage, it would pile up.
There's nobility in that.
No, no, of course, I know! Look, guys, I'm here on behalf of Diana Barea out of Sunnyside.
Okay? As you know, she's got this bill to give limited voting rights to certain green card holders, and, um I gotta be honest, I I think it would help a lot of people.
You wanna help people? Why now? You weren't the most hardworking councilman.
No, that's true.
That's true.
My career was a bit of a dumpster fire.
We're tryin' to put 'em out! There's too many dumpsters next to each other! Hey, councilman! Councilman, it's okay! Look, I know you guys aren't gonna change your minds for nothing, okay? So what's it gonna take? You know, Diana's got that seat on the Cultural Affairs committee.
You get her to give that up, and we could maybe scrounge up three "yes" votes.
Why do you want the Cultural Affairs Committee? We're trying to move the Met Gala to Staten Island! We already have the perfect location.
It's an abandoned Jimmy Jazz that's very nearly turkey-free.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, we're back.
Remember me? Of course you do.
Your life is obviously very boring and I am very memorable.
We're just checking in on that "maybe".
Is it a "yes" yet? Nope.
Still a "maybe".
How would you like to be treated to an all-expenses paid day of fun? Anything you want.
- A circuit party.
- A drag ball! - A foam bat mitzvah.
- Twister but with swords.
A reverse rave where there's one dancer and everybody else has turntables.
- Ooh, whale race.
- An Oscar party from 2008.
Do something bad but blame it on Lena Dunham.
- An adult gender reveal party.
- Just watch the movie - "Three Men and a Baby".
- Melissa McCarthy's menagerie.
Prom, but we're the chaperones.
Meet the ghost that lives in Raven-Symoné's house.
I could maybe go for a diet soda.
Kathy, you are so basic, and you own it, which does not excuse it at all, but God if I don't respect you.
[PERCUSSIVE HIP-HOP.]
What do you wanna hear first, the good news, or the great news? Which is maybe worse but also better in, like, the macro sense.
- What are you talking about? - So I had a little chat with the Staten Island contingent, and for a very small concession, they are willing to vote "yes" on your bill.
- Your boy came through! - What? Wait, what do they want? Uh, they Okay, they want your seat on the Cultural Affairs Committee.
That's not so bad.
We'd still get to be VIPs at the dinosaur exhibit.
- No, we wouldn't.
- Diana, get him out of here! I've always said he sucked! I've always said that! Listen, you'll still get a committee assignment.
They wanna give you a seat on Vermin Control.
I know it's not what you want, but they're doing some very interesting things there.
For example, did you know that they're building these little rat-sized electric chairs and then forcing the other rats to watch the execution as a deterrent? It's crazy.
What? No, y-you can't actually be considering this! My bill would help a lot of people.
Okay, but how do you know those guys aren't just saying they're gonna vote yes? They swore on a copy of "Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)".
The Bible of Staten Island.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
One room temperature diet soda? Oh, you can just put it down.
I like to wait until all the bubbles go away.
Ooh, I love this nail color.
What do you call it? - Clear.
- Oh.
This is lavender oil.
Gwyneth Paltrow says that it encourages wise decision making or strengthens your vagina, I'm not sure which, but, uh, hey, have you made up your mind yet? You know what? You people have been so nice to me - Give me that form.
- [BOTH GASP.]
We got a yes! Kathy, I could kiss you on the mouth if it weren't for several factors that we're all keenly aware of.
Oh, dear, they don't seem to have my party listed here.
That's okay, you can just write one in.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Thank you all so much for a lovely day.
Maybe I'll see you at the ballot box! Yes.
Yes! And thank you, Kathy.
We will see you at the primary for the "American Nazi Party"! - Oh.
- [PERCUSSIVE HIP-HOP.]
Okay, next matter before the committee is the Local Resident Voting Rights Act put forth by Councilwoman Diana Barea.
This is it, this is your bill! It's gonna change the face of New York City politics forever.
Okay, all those in favor? And those opposed? Three ayes, four nays.
Motion fails.
Meeting adjourned.
- What just happened? - Wait, I don't know.
Healy and Bannerman switched their votes to "no".
They were definite "yeses".
I don't understand.
Hey.
What's going on? We had a deal.
Which we stuck to.
We all voted "yes.
It's not our fault that some of the other council members happen to be huge dinosaur fans.
What's their favorite dinosaur? Because it can't be Stegosaurus, that's mine.
That's Brady's favorite! You gave up the Cultural Affairs seat in exchange for a "no" vote.
You killed the bill.
Why? 'Cause we don't like you, Modi.
You have some nerve walkin' into our office thinking you can charm us into doing your bidding.
- You're no Mike Sorrentino.
- Who? The Situation.
Know your Staten Island history.
You're a joke, Modi.
You always have been, you always will be.
You can act all high and mighty and claim you're trying to help people, but you're always gonna be that guy who barfed his guts out all over a subpar New York highway.
Why don't you try pukin' on a good road next time? Like the West Shore Expressway.
12 miles, straight to a landfill, baby.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, man.
I'm, uh I'm really sorry.
I shouldn't have tried to help you.
Yeah, you really shouldn't have.
All that work and we only registered four people and a Nazi.
This is a lost cause.
It's like when I tried to get the catchphrase, - "Hakim-ing it real" going.
- Mm-mm.
Actually, no, it's not like that at all.
It's a good catchphrase! You guys are all wrong.
We can't even vote and we're out there begging people to care about their democracy! If it doesn't matter to them, why should it matter to us? You two were right not to care.
I'm gonna go get my flat iron.
I'll get mine too.
I deserve it.
Why doesn't this feel good? We got everything we wanted and I don't feel the least bit horny.
I feel sad for other people? Why can't I think about myself? Is this one of those symptoms of a stroke? - Oh, my God.
- What's happening? I know you're feeling pretty bad right now, but I just want you to know that when I started talking, I thought that maybe I'd arrive at something uplifting to say by this moment, but it is really not coming.
And I'm trying I'm trying to push through it.
Here comes something.
Three, two, one Nope, not there.
So Yeah.
Hope that helps.
Yeah, well, there's nothing to say.
Sweet! Nailed it.
Those guys are right, I'm a total joke.
I should've just gone on "Dancing with the Stars".
They're casting literal monsters, not even likable ones.
Garrett, you don't have nearly enough coordination to dance on that show.
You move like you just bought your body.
You know, sometimes I think about everything you guys had to go through to come here, and how hard you're working to stay, and I just think you'd be so much better off if you never met me.
I mean, I've done literally nothing to make your lives better.
That is not true.
That one time, you found a hair in our nachos, so we got them for free.
No matter how hard I try, I'm just always gonna be the guy that puked on the BQE.
Maybe it's time I accept that.
Hey, I need to take a walk.
Garrett, wait! No, nothing.
Sorry, I ah! I thought something would just, like, kick in there.
My bad.
[KING PRINCESS'S "TOUGH ON MYSELF".]
Nobody told me To sit down and shut up And take this [.]
slowly I'm so bad with attention So my good intentions Get bad when you hold me I get too tough on myself What's all this? It's a "thank you" party for you guys.
We saw you leave the bar earlier all apathetic and detached, we thought, "No! No, that is our thing, and it looks terrible on you".
Yeah, our first thought was to sue you for attitude infringement, but then our lawyers said you can't sue someone for that.
And we realized that our thing really only works when people like you are doing your thing, which is, like, working hard and inspiring people and caring, and you're doing it for free, which is crazy! So don't let all these "no's" discourage you from doing the right thing.
Wow, you actually thought of someone besides yourselves! Generosity's a nice look on you.
Thanks for "Hakim-ing it real".
See? It works, huh? You'll all be using it eventually.
After one massage, I'll be ready to get back out on those streets with a big smile on my face and say, "Attention, public masturbators, pull your pants up and go vote".
Guys, have you seen Garrett? He just seemed pretty down, and I'm worried he's thinking about quitting the class.
Did his life get worse? How? - [NEWS JINGLE.]
- I think I found him.
We are now receiving word that the man blocking the Brooklyn Queens Expressway is former councilman Garret Modi.
We gotta go.
Everybody, back off! I just wanna say one thing.
I got elected to serve this city 15 years ago.
In that entire time, I passed zero bills, attended zero committee meetings, and sat in on one public hearing, and that was only because I'd spilled soup on my crotch and I was too embarrassed to actually get up until everyone left.
When I was in office, I didn't care.
About anything.
But then, I met some people who came to this country from all over the world.
And they had one thing in common: they cared a lot.
My councilwoman, who, by the way, is way better than I ever was You're all a bunch of idiots for reelecting me so many times She wrote a bill that helps give immigrants a voice in our society, and I may have killed it because I'm an even bigger idiot than all of you.
Guys, my friends aren't looking for special rights.
They're just looking for equal rights.
So this shouldn't be their issue.
It should be everyone's issue.
Democracy only works when all of us actually care enough to make it work.
Because not caring helps no one.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, you're the guy from last time! - Yeah, you remembered.
- Yeah, how you doin', man? Not bad, wife's pregnant again.
Hey, congratulations! Emma's gonna be a great big sister.
Yeah, get in the car.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Oh, hey, Garrett! - Hey.
Oh! Oh, my goodness, I was so worried.
Oh, but then I thought, you know, you sleep on a couch, so jail must be an upgrade for you.
You guys bailed me out? Yeah, we're doing this new good deeds thing, but don't get used to it.
We're proud of you.
Thank you for fighting for us.
You know what? Your honesty inspired me to be honest.
I love dinosaurs, and I don't care who knows! Listen, your speech really got people fired up.
My phone has been ringing off the hook.
Hoping I can use that momentum to get more support for the bill.
That's awesome! I have to say, over the last six months We already heard the speech.
Can we just get a drink? Thanks for keeping me humble, guys.
You know, humility [ALL OBJECTING AND GROANING.]
- Come on! - Lethal injection! - [LAUGHING.]
- It's the truth.
I threw up everywhere, it's true.
It's done.
I feel like Thomas Jefferson when he built the "Mona Lisa"! What? You guys know I paid people to go to school for me.
May we present Griselda's new hair! Featuring Griselda.
[NISHA'S "MIDAS".]
A woman don't cry [SIGHS.]
- Ooh! - Oh.
- Oh.
- Whoa! You look like Rapunzel! I mean, Hulk Hogan.
Well, I'm glad you like it.
For me, it's especially gross 'cause I know what's on these floors.
Wait, this is all your hair? Mr.
Modi? Hi, I'm Andy.
This is Monica.
Can we speak with you for a sec? - Sure.
- What you did out there was nothing short of incredible.
You were giving off major early Beto vibes, back when everybody was like, "Ooh, that guy!" But before everyone was like, "Ugh, that guy".
We heard about the work you were doing with your citizenship class.
It's an incredible story of self-reinvention.
Oh.
Thank you very much.
Wait a second, are you guys trying to sell me a copy of "Dianetics"? No.
We're political consultants.
We think your message really has the potential to land with our post-Gen-Y pre-Zoomer centennials.
Wait, what are you saying? We want you to run for office.
[PANTHER SNARLS.]
[LASER PINGS.]
All right, next presentation.
Mei Lin and Jun Ho, you're up first.
The scene: Germany.
It's a time of tension and strife.
A reporter approaches one Miss Mariah Carey.
Quick background: earlier that year, Jennifer Lopez had used a sample for "I'm Real" that Mariah had been planning on using for "Lover Boy", remember that.
- Why? - The reporter first asks Mariah, "What do you think about Beyoncé?" [AS MARIAH CAREY.]
"I love Beyoncé, Beyoncé's fabulous, great singer".
Little did we know the world would change forever.
The reporter goes on to ask a seemingly innocuous question: "What about J-Lo?" [AS MARIAH CAREY.]
"I don't know her".
I don't know her.
A day that will live in infamy.
O-okay, so, wait, she does know her? Don't be obtuse, Griselda.
She knows exactly who she is.
End of presentation.
We will not be taking questions.
Oh, okay.
Um, well, thank you.
I should remind you that the topic of your presentation was the Federal Reserve System.
[LAUGHING.]
And what is that? Well, I guess since this isn't a real class, I can't really give you detention, so let's move on.
Brady, you're up next.
Straight up didn't do it.
Seriously, guys? You know, FYI, these are scratch-and-sniff stickers, and now none of you are getting them because none of you did a great job.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Sorry we're late.
Big day registering voters! It was exhilarating.
When you approach someone with a clipboard, and see the panicked look on their face as they avoid eye contact with you, that's the good stuff.
Ah, nothing like walking through the streets of New York City to be reminded of how many people masturbate in public.
So how many voters did you register? In just nine short hours we registered [DRUMROLL.]
Five new voters! No, wait, somebody wrote "Baba Booey" on every line.
Four new voters! This is crazy.
Voting is so important.
How else will you get the chance to stand in line in a hot church and give corrupt golf enthusiasts limitless power? Well, I'd love to give you one more, but I'm pretty sure I'm already registered.
What do you mean, pretty sure? Aren't you automatically registered when you, like, open a bank account, or battle at a Pokémon gym? Garrett, are you not registered? Have you ever voted? I voted for myself first couple of times, and I voted for President Obama! On a BuzzFeed poll for best beach bod.
Such an important day for America.
I still remember where I was when he beat Ashton Kutcher.
Look, there are 10 million people in New York City.
My one vote doesn't really matter, especially when there are people like you who actually know what they're voting about.
We're not citizens! We can't vote.
Well, sure, not for, like, president or whatever, but locally, can't you vote for, like, city comptroller? Is that a person people vote for, or is that like a friendly robot? Man, I do not know a lot about democracy.
People with a green card or a visa can serve in the military and pay taxes, but we don't have any say in where those tax dollars go or who represents us.
- What? - You were in the City Council! How do you not know this? If we're gonna go back and dredge up every little thing I don't know, we're gonna be here for a very long time.
You have a point.
Every time we ask you to find Alaska on a map, you pretend to take a phone call.
I promised I would help you.
Let me see what I can do.
I'm gonna go talk to Diana.
Can you at least make sure you're registered to vote? I'll do it when I get there.
There's a Pokémon gym, like, right by her office.
So, we could use some extra hands out in the field.
You two interested in knocking on some doors? Oh, I'd love to, but I just got my knuckles Botoxed.
Yeah, and our dad always taught us to avoid politics.
It's better to just fund the rebels directly.
I think it would be good for you two to do something other than think about yourselves for a change.
Give me a break, Jun Ho.
Oh.
Now I hear it, Jun Ho.
I promise you, if you come with us, and get even one person registered to vote, you will feel a sense of inspiration that will change your life.
Why would we wanna change our lives? We're hot and rich and not smart enough to feel guilty about any of it.
I'll let you straighten my hair.
- [BOTH GASP.]
- Oh, my God, finally! What are we gonna do with all those little curls? Make it into a dress for Fashion Week, and then we're gonna do a nude photo shoot in which all we wear is your hair.
Now, let's go register some cars! - Voters! - Whatever! [PERCUSSIVE HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
Pretty good speech.
Although, it's not really accurate to say that the T.
Rex was the largest carnivorous dinosaur since the Spinosaurus was three times bigger.
Don't feel bad, though, because dino newbs make that mistake all the time.
- It's one of those things - Hey, sorry.
- Am I interrupting? - No.
Brady's actually helping me with a speech for the opening of a new exhibit at the Natural History Museum.
He actually knows a lot about dinosaurs.
[WHEEZING LAUGHTER.]
Those aren't even my models Oh! Don't touch that! Don't touch Bronty! So why are you giving a speech at the Museum of Natural History? I happen to have a seat on the Cultural Affairs Committee.
Oh, whoa, that's the best committee! You get to go to the Met Gala.
Who cares about the Met Gala? They gave me a private tour of the library last week and gave me a special card saying I can't be shushed.
Cool.
So I have a question.
Did you know that green card holders can't vote in local elections? I mean, yeah.
I wrote my dissertation on systemic disenfranchisement at Columbia.
Sheesh, you could've just said "yeah".
Anyway, I just found out that my students can't vote, and I thought it might kinda be a cool little present to, I don't know, give them that? You think you can get that done before the holidays? It would save me a lot of money on gifts.
No, I can't just give them that, but I have been trying.
I actually wrote a bill that's been sitting in committee for months, and the Staten Island contingent is stonewalling me.
Well, those guys are old-school, okay? They're not gonna budge on anything until you give them something in return.
One time, they held up an entire city budget until we let them throw this actually really sick party in the Statue of Liberty's head.
Hey, I could go talk to them if you want, see what it'll take to get them to change their vote.
Or you can do absolutely nothing and stay out of it so I can keep writing my bill until it's so good everybody supports it.
Oh, hunty.
You can see yourself out.
Yeah, I should probably take off too.
Um, I was gonna leave these dinosaurs here 'cause not mine.
They are collector's items, though, so I need you to promise me that they'll be properly stored in their case until I come back.
Sure.
Sorry, I need you to look me in the eyes and say, "I promise".
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
We are gonna register someone to vote, and then we are gonna get them curls so straight, they're gonna buy their jeans at Costco.
This is where democracy happens! Step away from the door, or I will eat you! And this is where we run.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
- [BABY CRYING.]
- Hi! Would you be interested in registering to vote? This is not a good time! Hold this? Ollie? Ollie, sit down! Well, I guess this is mine now.
- [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
- Hello.
Hi, sir, this will not take more than a moment of your time.
That's disappointing.
I have all afternoon.
Great, because we wanted to talk to you about registering to vote.
Sorry, I'm confused.
Are you four not the people I hired to pour orange juice in my butt? No.
Would you like to be the people I hired This is another running situation! [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Maybe we should hear him out at least! Guys, we can't get discouraged.
Sure, we've had some setbacks.
Sure, we've probably all had bedbugs because that one guy threw bedbugs on us, but that's democracy.
We can't give up! Oh, I'm not giving up, okay, because seeing all this hair in one floor-length side pony is literally the only thing that's keeping me going right now! Also, I've never had this many people say no to me, and I'm not saying it's erotic, but I am saying it's having an effect.
- [KNOCKS.]
- Hi, ma'am, we are registering voters for the upcoming election.
Oh, that's nice! Oh, my God! Wait, you wanna register? Well, um, let me think about it? Um, put me down as a maybe.
[HEAVY BREATHING.]
- A maybe? Is she serious? - No, this is good! This is way better than what we've gotten so far.
You know what they say: With patience, every tadpole will eventually sprout flippers and achieve genitalia! In my language, the saying is much more beautiful.
[PERCUSSIVE HIP-HOP.]
Diana is so naive! Politics is about making deals.
She needs to play the game.
Well, she's got a lot of dinosaur models to put away properly, so she's probably just focused on that.
Yeah, well, if she does it her way, it's never gonna get done.
I'm gonna go to Staten Island and talk to those guys.
See if I can get them to move the ball a little bit.
Have you ever been to Staten Island? Ew, gross, no.
Why would I ever go to Staten Island? Be careful.
My mom's boyfriend Frank is from there, and people are very sensitive about it.
Don't mention all the garbage dumps, or the corruption, or the mafia hits, or the really bad restaurants, or the complete lack of culture of any kind, or the Verrazzano Bridge, New York's worst bridge, or the ferry explosions, or that, geographically speaking, it should really be in New Jersey, or the crappy colleges, or the boat graveyard, or the weird pizza, or the aggressive wild turkeys roaming the streets.
Thank you for the advice.
When I come back, you guys will have the right to vote, and I'll probably be a little drunk, 'cause you can drink on the ferry.
Remember, if one of those animals comes at you, just run.
You don't know what kind of diseases they're carrying.
Wait, turkeys carry diseases? No, I'm talking about people that live on Staten Island.
Hey, what's up, guys? Hey, Garrett Modi! Welcome to Staten Island.
How you doin'? Hey, no complaints! Took the ferry in, had a great view of the city Oh, what do you mean, great view of the city? Staten Island's in New York City.
No, I know.
I mean, I had a great view everywhere, all the places.
Just because you can't take the subway here, doesn't mean it's not in New York City.
And we have our own subway.
It's ridden by dozens of people every day, and some of 'em don't live on it.
I know that, and you know I love it.
I love that there's only one line that doesn't connect to anything, makes it way less confusing.
Right? So what you been up to since the whole thing with the BQE and the cops - and the puking? - [LAUGHTER.]
Hey, no joke, best thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm not kidding.
I do not miss the council at all.
I'm so glad to be out of that dump.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
The D word? You're coming in here and using the D word as a pejorative? They're called landfills now, and they're nothing to be ashamed of.
If nobody took the garbage, it would pile up.
There's nobility in that.
No, no, of course, I know! Look, guys, I'm here on behalf of Diana Barea out of Sunnyside.
Okay? As you know, she's got this bill to give limited voting rights to certain green card holders, and, um I gotta be honest, I I think it would help a lot of people.
You wanna help people? Why now? You weren't the most hardworking councilman.
No, that's true.
That's true.
My career was a bit of a dumpster fire.
We're tryin' to put 'em out! There's too many dumpsters next to each other! Hey, councilman! Councilman, it's okay! Look, I know you guys aren't gonna change your minds for nothing, okay? So what's it gonna take? You know, Diana's got that seat on the Cultural Affairs committee.
You get her to give that up, and we could maybe scrounge up three "yes" votes.
Why do you want the Cultural Affairs Committee? We're trying to move the Met Gala to Staten Island! We already have the perfect location.
It's an abandoned Jimmy Jazz that's very nearly turkey-free.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hi, we're back.
Remember me? Of course you do.
Your life is obviously very boring and I am very memorable.
We're just checking in on that "maybe".
Is it a "yes" yet? Nope.
Still a "maybe".
How would you like to be treated to an all-expenses paid day of fun? Anything you want.
- A circuit party.
- A drag ball! - A foam bat mitzvah.
- Twister but with swords.
A reverse rave where there's one dancer and everybody else has turntables.
- Ooh, whale race.
- An Oscar party from 2008.
Do something bad but blame it on Lena Dunham.
- An adult gender reveal party.
- Just watch the movie - "Three Men and a Baby".
- Melissa McCarthy's menagerie.
Prom, but we're the chaperones.
Meet the ghost that lives in Raven-Symoné's house.
I could maybe go for a diet soda.
Kathy, you are so basic, and you own it, which does not excuse it at all, but God if I don't respect you.
[PERCUSSIVE HIP-HOP.]
What do you wanna hear first, the good news, or the great news? Which is maybe worse but also better in, like, the macro sense.
- What are you talking about? - So I had a little chat with the Staten Island contingent, and for a very small concession, they are willing to vote "yes" on your bill.
- Your boy came through! - What? Wait, what do they want? Uh, they Okay, they want your seat on the Cultural Affairs Committee.
That's not so bad.
We'd still get to be VIPs at the dinosaur exhibit.
- No, we wouldn't.
- Diana, get him out of here! I've always said he sucked! I've always said that! Listen, you'll still get a committee assignment.
They wanna give you a seat on Vermin Control.
I know it's not what you want, but they're doing some very interesting things there.
For example, did you know that they're building these little rat-sized electric chairs and then forcing the other rats to watch the execution as a deterrent? It's crazy.
What? No, y-you can't actually be considering this! My bill would help a lot of people.
Okay, but how do you know those guys aren't just saying they're gonna vote yes? They swore on a copy of "Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)".
The Bible of Staten Island.
[FUNKY MUSIC.]
One room temperature diet soda? Oh, you can just put it down.
I like to wait until all the bubbles go away.
Ooh, I love this nail color.
What do you call it? - Clear.
- Oh.
This is lavender oil.
Gwyneth Paltrow says that it encourages wise decision making or strengthens your vagina, I'm not sure which, but, uh, hey, have you made up your mind yet? You know what? You people have been so nice to me - Give me that form.
- [BOTH GASP.]
We got a yes! Kathy, I could kiss you on the mouth if it weren't for several factors that we're all keenly aware of.
Oh, dear, they don't seem to have my party listed here.
That's okay, you can just write one in.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Thank you all so much for a lovely day.
Maybe I'll see you at the ballot box! Yes.
Yes! And thank you, Kathy.
We will see you at the primary for the "American Nazi Party"! - Oh.
- [PERCUSSIVE HIP-HOP.]
Okay, next matter before the committee is the Local Resident Voting Rights Act put forth by Councilwoman Diana Barea.
This is it, this is your bill! It's gonna change the face of New York City politics forever.
Okay, all those in favor? And those opposed? Three ayes, four nays.
Motion fails.
Meeting adjourned.
- What just happened? - Wait, I don't know.
Healy and Bannerman switched their votes to "no".
They were definite "yeses".
I don't understand.
Hey.
What's going on? We had a deal.
Which we stuck to.
We all voted "yes.
It's not our fault that some of the other council members happen to be huge dinosaur fans.
What's their favorite dinosaur? Because it can't be Stegosaurus, that's mine.
That's Brady's favorite! You gave up the Cultural Affairs seat in exchange for a "no" vote.
You killed the bill.
Why? 'Cause we don't like you, Modi.
You have some nerve walkin' into our office thinking you can charm us into doing your bidding.
- You're no Mike Sorrentino.
- Who? The Situation.
Know your Staten Island history.
You're a joke, Modi.
You always have been, you always will be.
You can act all high and mighty and claim you're trying to help people, but you're always gonna be that guy who barfed his guts out all over a subpar New York highway.
Why don't you try pukin' on a good road next time? Like the West Shore Expressway.
12 miles, straight to a landfill, baby.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, man.
I'm, uh I'm really sorry.
I shouldn't have tried to help you.
Yeah, you really shouldn't have.
All that work and we only registered four people and a Nazi.
This is a lost cause.
It's like when I tried to get the catchphrase, - "Hakim-ing it real" going.
- Mm-mm.
Actually, no, it's not like that at all.
It's a good catchphrase! You guys are all wrong.
We can't even vote and we're out there begging people to care about their democracy! If it doesn't matter to them, why should it matter to us? You two were right not to care.
I'm gonna go get my flat iron.
I'll get mine too.
I deserve it.
Why doesn't this feel good? We got everything we wanted and I don't feel the least bit horny.
I feel sad for other people? Why can't I think about myself? Is this one of those symptoms of a stroke? - Oh, my God.
- What's happening? I know you're feeling pretty bad right now, but I just want you to know that when I started talking, I thought that maybe I'd arrive at something uplifting to say by this moment, but it is really not coming.
And I'm trying I'm trying to push through it.
Here comes something.
Three, two, one Nope, not there.
So Yeah.
Hope that helps.
Yeah, well, there's nothing to say.
Sweet! Nailed it.
Those guys are right, I'm a total joke.
I should've just gone on "Dancing with the Stars".
They're casting literal monsters, not even likable ones.
Garrett, you don't have nearly enough coordination to dance on that show.
You move like you just bought your body.
You know, sometimes I think about everything you guys had to go through to come here, and how hard you're working to stay, and I just think you'd be so much better off if you never met me.
I mean, I've done literally nothing to make your lives better.
That is not true.
That one time, you found a hair in our nachos, so we got them for free.
No matter how hard I try, I'm just always gonna be the guy that puked on the BQE.
Maybe it's time I accept that.
Hey, I need to take a walk.
Garrett, wait! No, nothing.
Sorry, I ah! I thought something would just, like, kick in there.
My bad.
[KING PRINCESS'S "TOUGH ON MYSELF".]
Nobody told me To sit down and shut up And take this [.]
slowly I'm so bad with attention So my good intentions Get bad when you hold me I get too tough on myself What's all this? It's a "thank you" party for you guys.
We saw you leave the bar earlier all apathetic and detached, we thought, "No! No, that is our thing, and it looks terrible on you".
Yeah, our first thought was to sue you for attitude infringement, but then our lawyers said you can't sue someone for that.
And we realized that our thing really only works when people like you are doing your thing, which is, like, working hard and inspiring people and caring, and you're doing it for free, which is crazy! So don't let all these "no's" discourage you from doing the right thing.
Wow, you actually thought of someone besides yourselves! Generosity's a nice look on you.
Thanks for "Hakim-ing it real".
See? It works, huh? You'll all be using it eventually.
After one massage, I'll be ready to get back out on those streets with a big smile on my face and say, "Attention, public masturbators, pull your pants up and go vote".
Guys, have you seen Garrett? He just seemed pretty down, and I'm worried he's thinking about quitting the class.
Did his life get worse? How? - [NEWS JINGLE.]
- I think I found him.
We are now receiving word that the man blocking the Brooklyn Queens Expressway is former councilman Garret Modi.
We gotta go.
Everybody, back off! I just wanna say one thing.
I got elected to serve this city 15 years ago.
In that entire time, I passed zero bills, attended zero committee meetings, and sat in on one public hearing, and that was only because I'd spilled soup on my crotch and I was too embarrassed to actually get up until everyone left.
When I was in office, I didn't care.
About anything.
But then, I met some people who came to this country from all over the world.
And they had one thing in common: they cared a lot.
My councilwoman, who, by the way, is way better than I ever was You're all a bunch of idiots for reelecting me so many times She wrote a bill that helps give immigrants a voice in our society, and I may have killed it because I'm an even bigger idiot than all of you.
Guys, my friends aren't looking for special rights.
They're just looking for equal rights.
So this shouldn't be their issue.
It should be everyone's issue.
Democracy only works when all of us actually care enough to make it work.
Because not caring helps no one.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, you're the guy from last time! - Yeah, you remembered.
- Yeah, how you doin', man? Not bad, wife's pregnant again.
Hey, congratulations! Emma's gonna be a great big sister.
Yeah, get in the car.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Oh, hey, Garrett! - Hey.
Oh! Oh, my goodness, I was so worried.
Oh, but then I thought, you know, you sleep on a couch, so jail must be an upgrade for you.
You guys bailed me out? Yeah, we're doing this new good deeds thing, but don't get used to it.
We're proud of you.
Thank you for fighting for us.
You know what? Your honesty inspired me to be honest.
I love dinosaurs, and I don't care who knows! Listen, your speech really got people fired up.
My phone has been ringing off the hook.
Hoping I can use that momentum to get more support for the bill.
That's awesome! I have to say, over the last six months We already heard the speech.
Can we just get a drink? Thanks for keeping me humble, guys.
You know, humility [ALL OBJECTING AND GROANING.]
- Come on! - Lethal injection! - [LAUGHING.]
- It's the truth.
I threw up everywhere, it's true.
It's done.
I feel like Thomas Jefferson when he built the "Mona Lisa"! What? You guys know I paid people to go to school for me.
May we present Griselda's new hair! Featuring Griselda.
[NISHA'S "MIDAS".]
A woman don't cry [SIGHS.]
- Ooh! - Oh.
- Oh.
- Whoa! You look like Rapunzel! I mean, Hulk Hogan.
Well, I'm glad you like it.
For me, it's especially gross 'cause I know what's on these floors.
Wait, this is all your hair? Mr.
Modi? Hi, I'm Andy.
This is Monica.
Can we speak with you for a sec? - Sure.
- What you did out there was nothing short of incredible.
You were giving off major early Beto vibes, back when everybody was like, "Ooh, that guy!" But before everyone was like, "Ugh, that guy".
We heard about the work you were doing with your citizenship class.
It's an incredible story of self-reinvention.
Oh.
Thank you very much.
Wait a second, are you guys trying to sell me a copy of "Dianetics"? No.
We're political consultants.
We think your message really has the potential to land with our post-Gen-Y pre-Zoomer centennials.
Wait, what are you saying? We want you to run for office.
[PANTHER SNARLS.]
[LASER PINGS.]