Sunnyside (2019) s01e11 Episode Script
Multicultural Tube of Meat
1 [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Ah.
This hot dog is quite suspicious.
What do you think is going on here? Yep, you guys are onto me.
I do have some big news.
Oh, my God, Garrett, are you dying? Can we have your funeral at Coachella? - I'm not dying.
- Come on, die.
- Do it for the 'Gram.
- No.
Look, the reason I brought you all here today is because I might run for office again.
- Queens borough president.
- Okay, wait.
Are you sure you're ready for this? I mean, you've only been away for six months.
Even Billy Bush had the sense to lie low for longer than that.
This is actually the perfect job for me.
There are no bills to write.
No votes.
Very little reading.
That rules.
Plus, I have a direct line of communication to the mayor.
That means I get to be an advocate for folks like you.
Okay.
But will you still have time to teach the class while you're campaigning? Of course.
And who even says I'm campaigning? This is all just a big maybe.
[HORN BLARES.]
That's a really big bus for a maybe.
Well, it's just for a listening tour.
Kind of get out there and feel the needs of the constituents.
See? It says it right there.
"Listening tour".
Guys, great news.
I just spoke to Drazen's immigration attorney and she got him a new bond hearing.
She thinks he can be out of custody as early as tomorrow.
No way.
That's awesome! Hey, you gotta move that bus! What the hell is that? Uh, listen, while you're here, quick question for you.
You don't have to answer right away, but, uh, I would love your endorsement.
Absolutely not.
You don't have to answer right away.
- Nope.
- Just take your time.
- Think it over.
- No, yeah, it's a hard, hard, - hard no.
- Okay, yeah, cool.
- Uh, all right, um - What did you do? No, nothing.
Everything's fine.
- What did you do? - Everything's great.
Take her away, Jeff! - - [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
All right, listen up, everyone.
Mr.
Modi has a full schedule, so he will not be in class.
But don't worry, we've arranged for a substitute.
Also, I am Garrett's new communications director.
You're too old to be a communications director.
I sent her a text.
She responded by calling me on the phone and leaving me a voicemail.
- Ew.
- [GASPS.]
Griselda's incredibly qualified.
And without question, the only person - who would do it for free.
- Yeah.
Someday I'm going to be a citizen and I'm going to have to aim higher - than working at this dump.
- This is not a dump.
This is the oasis from which we will spring forth as citizens of this grand experiment known as America.
Someone pooped in the tampon machine this morning.
I will pray for your career transition to go smoothly.
Dude, I thought you said you still have time to do the class.
No, no, no, I will.
Uh I will, I will.
And this is only for today.
I'll be back, I promise.
Class without Garrett, that's like class without Hakim.
I bring such a unique flavor and I've got dimples that just won't quit.
Whatever.
Jun Ho and I are totally used to being abandoned by father figures.
Yeah.
It won't make us act out at all.
Hey! You should call Garrett.
Tell him how bad I've been.
Get your foot out of my pant leg.
Oh, no, that's my foot.
And you can tell Garrett I've been bad too.
Wha? It is I, Eric, your substitute teacher.
Or shall I say, "substi-truth teacher".
- [LAUGHS.]
- No! Get him out of here.
Someone pull the fire alarm.
Death, sex, money.
Dragons.
Am I talking about the latest HBO drama? No.
I'm talking about the most binge-able show ever.
American history.
Dragons? I hate you so much.
[LAUGHS.]
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
There's out guy.
So, listen, these town halls are mostly for publicity.
Our strategy? Be brief.
Don't engage too much.
Yeah, or better yet, don't say anything at all.
Our testing shows that people respond to empathetic grunts.
BOTH: [GRUNTING EMPATHETICALLY.]
Wait, guys, I thought the only reason you wanted me to run was the speech I gave at the BQE last week.
You said you liked how I didn't pull any punches.
Yes, but that was when you were a civilian.
Now that you're potentially running, start pulling, or better yet, avoid punches altogether.
Politics is about compromise.
We learn that it's better if you don't have too many opinions - or principles.
- Yeah.
It broadens your appeal to the most voters.
Guys, I'm sorry, but I'm not trying to appeal to the most voters.
- I'm trying to help people.
- Yes.
I love everything you just said.
Can I pitch you a slight rewording? - Don't say any of that.
- Guys, I'm sorry, but I'm going to do this my way.
I want to get out there and listen to what my constituents actually want.
Have you ever talked to a constituent? I don't want to stereotype, but the average voter is a total Steven.
Steven is my cousin who got kicked in the head by a horse.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Yeah, I have a problem.
My commute is getting longer every day.
I hear you, sir, and I promise to work with the MTA to address that.
No, the actual distance is getting longer.
Someone's moving Brooklyn a little further away from Queens, and I think I know who's doing it.
The Puerto Ricans.
This city needs more bike lanes.
I couldn't agree more.
We need to encourage green transportation.
Oh, I don't care about that.
My ex rides a bike.
And more lanes means more chances for me to hit him with my car.
So dogs are allowed to walk around nude on a leash, but when I do it I get arrested? Double standard much? [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
[BEATBOXING.]
Boom! And that's how a bill becomes a law.
So your homework tonight is to make sure that you set your DVRs to "NCIS".
I'm playing a mangled corpse.
[CHUCKLES.]
Gratitude.
Hey, remember: don't quit your daydream.
[SIGHS.]
- [GROANS.]
- At least it's just temporary - until Garrett returns.
- If he returns.
Okay, well, let's not overreact here.
There's a very simple solution.
We just get some of Garrett's DNA, and then we have our dad make a clone.
Yeah, but fair warning, the clone will try to kill us, but that's why we always make three.
The second clone will protect us from the first clone.
What's the third one do? Oh, that one's purely for sex stuff.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
I'm just saying, how do we know that ninja turtles don't live in the sewers unless we check? - Yeah, that's a great question.
- Uh, excuse me.
I just need to speak to Mr.
Modi for one second.
- Please.
- Yeah, sure, sure.
Avoid the question.
Just like Shredder will want you to do.
Drazen's hearing is in 30 minutes.
If we're going to make it, we have to wrap it up.
Oh, crap, I want to go, but I can't bail on these people.
They have so many problems.
Leaving right now would not be good optics.
Crap.
But I promised I'd be there for my friends, and no one's been through more than Drazen.
Ah, I just wish there was some way to make all these people disappear.
Don't worry, I got you.
Uh, hi, everyone, excuse me.
Um, I just needed to tell Mr.
Modi that there is a rat carrying a bagel - down the stairs.
- A rat carrying food? - This I got to see.
- What kind of bagel is it? - Let's go, let's go.
- I heard it's cinnamon raisin.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Drazen's about to get out and Garrett's gonna miss it.
No, he'll be here.
I have faith.
Oh, he better.
I spent all night drawing this picture of us.
Wow.
Stick figures with genitals.
Interesting choice.
I made a drawing for Garrett too.
Ah, this one is just genitals.
I'm assuming the one with glasses is me.
Dang, who's that with Drazen's wife? She's so pretty.
She looks like Princess Peach.
I mean, Pamela Anderson.
That's Drazen's niece, Madalina.
I saw her at the Moldovan bodega when I was picking up this great hair gel.
It's made out of eggplants, and it's got a little bit of red pepper and salt, and there's a sausage on the label.
I'm just realizing now it's a condiment.
Yeah, condoms, yeah, um Hey, Lyudmila.
It it's Brady.
You you remember? So, Madalina Don't even think about it.
Madalina's only interested in nice Moldovan boys.
Oh, but I am a nice Moldovan boy.
You didn't hear that.
My mommy says I'm her little mishka.
You tell anyone, and I swear to God You are not a real Moldovan.
Your back is hairless and there's still hope in your eyes.
- I made it.
I made it.
- Daddy! Oh, my God.
I ran just from the car to here.
I am so out of shape and my left arm is numb.
Is that bad? All right, the supporting documents you submitted in front of me regarding the respondent, Drazen Barbu Bond is granted.
You are free to go until your deportation hearing next month.
That being all, this hearing is closed.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yeah! Whoo! It must've been terrible there in detention.
Nah.
You find a way to get by.
Have you heard of transcendental meditation? It doesn't work at all.
Look, we want to help put all that behind you.
There's got to be tons of stuff you're just dying to do, right? Oh, yes.
I would like to go to the toilet without someone watching me.
Definitely.
But also, you deserve a fun day out.
Anything you want, keeping in mind I have $57.
Oh, Drazen day.
Yes, I love this idea.
Oh, okay, wait a minute.
I do too, but Garrett, there's no way.
You're schedule is packed.
You have meetings, interviews.
You have a sit-down with the Times Square Off-Brand Elmos Union.
Yeah, great, whatever.
Just go ahead and go.
Actually, the sooner you go, the sooner I can get a face tattoo and get pregnant.
And then have the baby and get it a face tattoo too, so you should go.
Okay, what's going on here? I believe some of their abandonment issues - have bubbled to the surface.
- [SNICKERS.]
Abandonment issues? Yeah, right.
Get lost.
Wait, no, don't go.
I'm so sorry I did wrong whatever I did.
I'll do better.
I'm a good little boy.
Guys, it's okay, I can do two things at once.
So what do you want to do? Well, in detention, the food was terrible.
I think it's a good idea for all of us to go out and have a nice, big meal.
Love that idea.
Should we all invite our our beautiful nieces? I could, but she's in Pennsylvania.
No, not you.
No one was talking to you.
So it's decided.
We're gonna have a Drazen day.
I'll take care of my stuff and meet you at the fanciest place you can think of.
Thanks for visiting Guy Fieri's Flavor Grenade.
Can I interest you in some dessert? We have a special on our carnitas enchilada milkshake.
No, no, I think I ate too much rock 'n' roll Irish rigatoni.
What made it Irish? They pour Guinness all over it.
[GRUNTS.]
Don't mind me.
I just want to sit next to my fellow Moldovans.
- Okay.
- Ah, Bojan.
You have finally embraced your motherland.
She welcomes you into her soft and drunken bosom.
No, I've always been, like, super into Moldova.
Why do you describe Moldova as the oozing sore - on Europe's taint? - [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
That's just an old folksy expression, Hakim, you dumb block, you blocker.
Hey, everybody, I'm sorry I'm late.
My meeting ran long.
Is it too late for me to order a none of this? We're all done.
But we are going to go back to the bar and have a drink.
Perfect.
Let's go.
Wait, Garrett, you have an interview with Grantham Sloan from "The Times".
You can't miss it.
That guy's the real deal.
His profile on the "Cash Me Outside" girl was so thoughtful it brought me to tears.
- "How 'bout that?" - You just got here.
Are you seriously going to leave us again? Wait, wait, wait, Garrett, look over here.
- Look what I can do.
- Oh, wait, I can do that too.
- Look at me, Garrett.
- Isn't this cool? - Does it make you want to stay? - Did I do a good job, Daddy? - Do you love me, Daddy? - Don't go.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Griselda, just tell Grantham I'll do the interview at the bar.
See? I can do two things at once.
Oh, no, I think I did the splits into some Donkey Sauce and now I'm stuck to the floor.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
May I have everyone's attention, please? This one goes out to Madalina, from Bojan, your "Moldovan word for friend".
I guess I was supposed to Google that? [CHUCKLES.]
[TRADITIONAL MOLDOVAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
This is one of our most famous songs.
It has my favorite words.
"Moldova, Moldova, God has forsaken us.
Our wheat is on fire.
We now must eat tires".
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Madalina.
You know, I can't help but feel this connection to you.
Must be the old country.
It's like our blood is calling to each other.
Everyone's blood in Moldova is more or less the same, 'cause of all the cousin marriage.
Cool.
Love that about our culture.
So Do you want to go out some time? That's so sweet, but you're just, like, really, really Moldovan.
Right? But you you like that, though? Oh, God, no.
I just tell that to my family so they get off my back.
Honestly, I prefer dating dumb American frat dudes.
But that's me.
I'm so basic.
My favorite movie is "Transformers 2".
I post gym selfies with hashtag "hustle" and "no days off".
- You don't have to lie to me.
- I'm not lying.
I am seriously considering getting a Joe Rogan tattoo.
Well, I should go.
I have a Tinder date with a guy named Cody at P.
F.
Chang's.
- Bye, cuz.
- [SIGHS.]
That's my favorite Chinese food.
It's the only Chinese food that comes with a side of ranch.
Mr.
Modi.
Grantham Sloan.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
I must say, if you're trying to change your image, scheduling your first major interview at a bar is an interesting choice.
I realize that, but we're actually here to celebrate a friend who was just released from ICE detention.
I can assure you I'm approaching this election very seriously.
Hey, Daddy, look at me.
Ooh.
I had a whole other thing.
I just [CLEARS THROAT.]
Look, I really only have one question.
Why on Earth should anyone trust you to hold office again? I mean, what's changed? Yeah, so what's changed is the people in this bar who are now such a big part of my life.
If I run again, it'll be because of them.
Griselda here has to work 12 jobs just to make ends meet, but the promise of this country is worth it to her.
Hakim used to be a doctor.
Now he drives a cab.
Brady down there has learned that you can wear a swimsuit as underwear.
- Uh, and - Hello, everyone.
I would like to make announcement.
Perfect timing.
This is Drazen, our guest of honor.
Every day that he walks free in this country, I consider a personal victory.
I will never forget the kindness and love that you all showed me today.
And that makes it truly perfect way to say - Goodbye.
- Goodbye? Yes.
I'm self-deporting back to Moldova.
Now, who wants to disco? [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
This is the worst.
Now Drazen's leaving us too? We must not be hot enough.
No, wait.
You're a 10 and I'm a 10.
5.
- What's going on here? - I know it's been hard, but you can't give up now.
I'm happy to give up.
I'm tired of the uncertainty.
It's like me going to your house every single day and say, "I think I'm gonna throw you in the street, "today.
Or maybe it will be tomorrow, - or maybe never?" - No, Drazen, if you keep fighting, you will be an American citizen someday.
- I promise.
- You're a good man, Garrett, but you cannot guarantee that.
I could still be deported.
At least now I leave on my own terms, in the best possible way, with the taste of Guy Fieri in my mouth.
[BLUES ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Bye, Garrett.
Okay.
Hey, we need a plan, all right? Something big, to really convince Drazen that America's worth fighting for.
Twins, do you know how to get, like, a live bald eagle? If we can sort of figure out a way to make it seem - like it's talking.
- What if he's right? What? Drazen has a point.
There are no guarantees, and the truth of the matter is that a lot of people don't even want us here.
Or even see us as human beings.
We're invisible to them.
That's why everyone is always vomiting or having sex in my cab.
Sometimes in the same trip.
I'm probably gonna end up back in Moldova too.
It's the worst.
Our first king was best friends with Dracula.
I don't want to hang out with Dracula's grandkids counting all the time.
What is wrong with you guys? I feel like I'm talking to a bunch of strangers.
What happened to that scrappy gang that was searching for their hero and begged me to be their teacher, huh? - Garrett.
- Oh, this is not a good time, - guys.
- This can't wait.
Look, we just got some intel that Josefina Torres is getting ready to announce her run for borough president.
She's a Harvard-educated PhD who served in Afghanistan.
Unfortunately, for our side.
Also, she is way better-looking than you.
We've got to announce your candidacy now.
Look, if we're gonna have a chance at this, we've got to be the first ones out the gate.
We're pulling an all-nighter.
You've got a speech to write, press conference to hold.
Honestly, you got to start doing some squats.
- We need that butt to pop.
- Wha uh? - It's now or never.
- [GROANS.]
All right, I'm sorry, okay? I have to go, but this is not over.
Don't leave with them, Garrett.
I don't care how good the sex is.
No, no, I'm not having sex with them.
Then what the hell is even going on? [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Ooh, Garrett, we're gonna need you to change that tie.
Our testing indicates that that shade of blue reads "beta cuck"? Okay, fine, but can we speed this up, please? I really need to get back to my friends.
Oh, I'd give them some space.
They seem a little depressed.
And I'm not saying Brady is definitely an incel, but I was considering taking one for the team and letting him honk one.
We were actually hoping you could bring your friends to the announcement.
It's the photo-op of a lifetime.
The image of all those [WHISPERS.]
diverse faces - standing behind you.
- Why did you whisper "diverse"? Also, if one of them has a weird instrument or a curly shoe, that would play great.
All right, listen, my friends aren't props, okay? - They're human beings.
- No biggie.
- We'll just use the extras.
- What extras? Guys.
Uh Okay, this is insane.
And is that guy supposed to be Hakim? - His hair is all wrong.
- But, like, I'm okay with the Griselda because she is, like, fine.
Look, the details don't matter to the press.
They're just a great comeback story for you.
[GROANING.]
Hold this accordion.
This isn't what my friends are to me at all, okay? And right now, they need my help, - so I'm sorry, I have to go.
- Garrett.
You need to make a decision.
Are you gonna mess around in a bar all day, or do you want to get into a position to actually help people like your friends? [GROANS.]
Okay, you're right.
But I'm not taking a picture with these impostors, okay? I'll, uh I'll go talk to them.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
And can anyone tell me what the Bill of Rights did? Stop telling us things.
You're not our real dad.
- Neither is Garrett.
- What did you say about Daddy? - I will sue you.
- Guys, we have to focus, okay? I'm upset too, but we have a citizenship test to study for.
Why? This whole thing is a waste of time.
Drazen's gone, Garrett's gone, and Madalina dumped me because she fell in love with me too fast.
- I don't think that's accurate.
- Okay, you weren't there.
- That was the subtext.
- Yeah, Brady's right, Hakim.
Why are we trying to keep this stupid class together? We should just get on to our helicopters and go our separate ways.
- Good.
You're all here.
- Oh, what do you want? We have a new daddy and his name is Hakim.
- No, I'm not.
- Look, I know I haven't been the best friend these last few days, but I really need you to do me a favor, okay? And if you do this for me, you never have to see me again if you don't want to.
Guys, please.
This is really important to me, and hopefully it will be for you too.
Come on.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Where are we even going? And why doesn't this private jet have any wings? If you're taking us to an illegal erotic acrobatic show in an old mannequin factory, we were just at one this morning.
You'll see.
We just need to pick up Drazen first.
Welcome ladies and gentlemen.
We will begin shortly.
What is this place? [ROUSING MUSIC.]
Please stand.
Oh, so these people are all About to become citizens.
Yeah.
Candidates for naturalization, please raise your right hand and repeat after me.
- I hereby declare - ALL: I hereby declare - On oath - ALL: On oath That I absolutely and entirely ALL: That I absolutely and entirely - Renounce and abjure - ALL: Renounce and abjure All allegiance and fidelity ALL: All allegiance and fidelity - To any foreign prince - ALL: To any foreign prince I didn't have the right words for why it's worth it to stay and fight for your citizenship, so look around.
America is a place where people come from all over the world and find common ground.
I mean, just look at us.
Where else in the world would a group like us - have found each other? - Not Moldova.
It's all sick white people.
Against all enemies Look, I wanted to get back into politics to help people.
But politics is about compromise, and maybe someday I'll be willing to do that.
But one thing I won't compromise on is being with you guys until I see each one of you taking that oath.
- So until then - Shut up! Sorry.
You're gonna be a great New Yorker.
A warm welcome to our newest citizens.
- Congratulations.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Two hot dogs in one week.
What, did you take out a loan? You know, I was thinking America is kind of like this hot dog.
You know, we all come from different parts of the pig, but once you grind us all up and put some mustard on us, we become part of the same multicultural tube of meat.
That's a disgusting analogy.
You're basically comparing us to pig intestines.
But I see what you're going for.
- [HORN BLARES.]
- Oh.
You, uh, kept the bus.
Well, I gave it to somebody who I thought could use it.
- Hey.
- Hello, everyone.
I figured since he decided to stay and fight for his citizenship, he should, uh, take a tour of America.
See what the country has to offer.
He's earned it.
Plus, you can't return a bus once you've plastered your face along the side of it.
Lyudmila and I are going to visit all the greatest American parts.
And by that, he means every Guy Fieri restaurant between here and California.
Don't worry, there is a very strong toilet in the bus.
For pooping? The Guy Fieri food is going to give me a lot of diarrhea.
Yes, we understood the implication.
Yeah, before you go, will you let Madalina know that I'm a stupid American douche? - It would mean the world to me.
- You tell her yourself.
Madalina! - Bojan.
- Hey.
- This is Brian.
- Hey, what's up? What's up, bro? Yeet! - No, "yeet" is my thing.
- I do that all the time.
I swear.
Yeet! Hey, guys, I just want to say I'm sorry if it felt like I was abandoning you, and I hope you know I'm not going anywhere.
What? We barely noticed you were gone.
Yeah, and why are you talking to us in front of our friends? We told you to drop us off around the corner and wait in the car.
Listen, I just wanted to say, after what you did, if you ever do decide to run, you have my endorsement.
Wow.
Well, look how far we've come.
You used to think that I was a total screwup, but now you look up to me.
Oh, that is not what I said at all.
You know, I can see it, behind your eyes.
Forget it.
Endorsement withdrawn.
No, no, no, it's too late.
Hey, everybody, I said yes.
- We just got endorsed.
- [CHEERS.]
Withdrawn.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Okay, 30 seconds on the clock.
Answer as many citizenship questions as you can.
Ready, set, go.
- The Declaration of Independence.
- What about it? - Is that the question? - Whose turn is it? Wrong.
Next question.
The original 13 colonies.
- Name 'em.
- I'm so confused.
Are we on one team or are we playing against each other? - Wrong.
Next question.
- This game sucks.
Okay, yeah, I guess I didn't really think through how the game would actually work, but I did get a stopwatch.
That's got to count for something, right? - No, it doesn't.
- Oh, my God.
You got one right and the time's ran out.
BOTH: We won! [SQUEALING, LAUGHING.]
Guess I forgot to write down the answers too, so I guess that's it for today.
Class dismissed.
We just got here.
[PANTHER GROWLS.]
[LASER PINGS.]
Ah.
This hot dog is quite suspicious.
What do you think is going on here? Yep, you guys are onto me.
I do have some big news.
Oh, my God, Garrett, are you dying? Can we have your funeral at Coachella? - I'm not dying.
- Come on, die.
- Do it for the 'Gram.
- No.
Look, the reason I brought you all here today is because I might run for office again.
- Queens borough president.
- Okay, wait.
Are you sure you're ready for this? I mean, you've only been away for six months.
Even Billy Bush had the sense to lie low for longer than that.
This is actually the perfect job for me.
There are no bills to write.
No votes.
Very little reading.
That rules.
Plus, I have a direct line of communication to the mayor.
That means I get to be an advocate for folks like you.
Okay.
But will you still have time to teach the class while you're campaigning? Of course.
And who even says I'm campaigning? This is all just a big maybe.
[HORN BLARES.]
That's a really big bus for a maybe.
Well, it's just for a listening tour.
Kind of get out there and feel the needs of the constituents.
See? It says it right there.
"Listening tour".
Guys, great news.
I just spoke to Drazen's immigration attorney and she got him a new bond hearing.
She thinks he can be out of custody as early as tomorrow.
No way.
That's awesome! Hey, you gotta move that bus! What the hell is that? Uh, listen, while you're here, quick question for you.
You don't have to answer right away, but, uh, I would love your endorsement.
Absolutely not.
You don't have to answer right away.
- Nope.
- Just take your time.
- Think it over.
- No, yeah, it's a hard, hard, - hard no.
- Okay, yeah, cool.
- Uh, all right, um - What did you do? No, nothing.
Everything's fine.
- What did you do? - Everything's great.
Take her away, Jeff! - - [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
All right, listen up, everyone.
Mr.
Modi has a full schedule, so he will not be in class.
But don't worry, we've arranged for a substitute.
Also, I am Garrett's new communications director.
You're too old to be a communications director.
I sent her a text.
She responded by calling me on the phone and leaving me a voicemail.
- Ew.
- [GASPS.]
Griselda's incredibly qualified.
And without question, the only person - who would do it for free.
- Yeah.
Someday I'm going to be a citizen and I'm going to have to aim higher - than working at this dump.
- This is not a dump.
This is the oasis from which we will spring forth as citizens of this grand experiment known as America.
Someone pooped in the tampon machine this morning.
I will pray for your career transition to go smoothly.
Dude, I thought you said you still have time to do the class.
No, no, no, I will.
Uh I will, I will.
And this is only for today.
I'll be back, I promise.
Class without Garrett, that's like class without Hakim.
I bring such a unique flavor and I've got dimples that just won't quit.
Whatever.
Jun Ho and I are totally used to being abandoned by father figures.
Yeah.
It won't make us act out at all.
Hey! You should call Garrett.
Tell him how bad I've been.
Get your foot out of my pant leg.
Oh, no, that's my foot.
And you can tell Garrett I've been bad too.
Wha? It is I, Eric, your substitute teacher.
Or shall I say, "substi-truth teacher".
- [LAUGHS.]
- No! Get him out of here.
Someone pull the fire alarm.
Death, sex, money.
Dragons.
Am I talking about the latest HBO drama? No.
I'm talking about the most binge-able show ever.
American history.
Dragons? I hate you so much.
[LAUGHS.]
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
There's out guy.
So, listen, these town halls are mostly for publicity.
Our strategy? Be brief.
Don't engage too much.
Yeah, or better yet, don't say anything at all.
Our testing shows that people respond to empathetic grunts.
BOTH: [GRUNTING EMPATHETICALLY.]
Wait, guys, I thought the only reason you wanted me to run was the speech I gave at the BQE last week.
You said you liked how I didn't pull any punches.
Yes, but that was when you were a civilian.
Now that you're potentially running, start pulling, or better yet, avoid punches altogether.
Politics is about compromise.
We learn that it's better if you don't have too many opinions - or principles.
- Yeah.
It broadens your appeal to the most voters.
Guys, I'm sorry, but I'm not trying to appeal to the most voters.
- I'm trying to help people.
- Yes.
I love everything you just said.
Can I pitch you a slight rewording? - Don't say any of that.
- Guys, I'm sorry, but I'm going to do this my way.
I want to get out there and listen to what my constituents actually want.
Have you ever talked to a constituent? I don't want to stereotype, but the average voter is a total Steven.
Steven is my cousin who got kicked in the head by a horse.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Yeah, I have a problem.
My commute is getting longer every day.
I hear you, sir, and I promise to work with the MTA to address that.
No, the actual distance is getting longer.
Someone's moving Brooklyn a little further away from Queens, and I think I know who's doing it.
The Puerto Ricans.
This city needs more bike lanes.
I couldn't agree more.
We need to encourage green transportation.
Oh, I don't care about that.
My ex rides a bike.
And more lanes means more chances for me to hit him with my car.
So dogs are allowed to walk around nude on a leash, but when I do it I get arrested? Double standard much? [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
[BEATBOXING.]
Boom! And that's how a bill becomes a law.
So your homework tonight is to make sure that you set your DVRs to "NCIS".
I'm playing a mangled corpse.
[CHUCKLES.]
Gratitude.
Hey, remember: don't quit your daydream.
[SIGHS.]
- [GROANS.]
- At least it's just temporary - until Garrett returns.
- If he returns.
Okay, well, let's not overreact here.
There's a very simple solution.
We just get some of Garrett's DNA, and then we have our dad make a clone.
Yeah, but fair warning, the clone will try to kill us, but that's why we always make three.
The second clone will protect us from the first clone.
What's the third one do? Oh, that one's purely for sex stuff.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
I'm just saying, how do we know that ninja turtles don't live in the sewers unless we check? - Yeah, that's a great question.
- Uh, excuse me.
I just need to speak to Mr.
Modi for one second.
- Please.
- Yeah, sure, sure.
Avoid the question.
Just like Shredder will want you to do.
Drazen's hearing is in 30 minutes.
If we're going to make it, we have to wrap it up.
Oh, crap, I want to go, but I can't bail on these people.
They have so many problems.
Leaving right now would not be good optics.
Crap.
But I promised I'd be there for my friends, and no one's been through more than Drazen.
Ah, I just wish there was some way to make all these people disappear.
Don't worry, I got you.
Uh, hi, everyone, excuse me.
Um, I just needed to tell Mr.
Modi that there is a rat carrying a bagel - down the stairs.
- A rat carrying food? - This I got to see.
- What kind of bagel is it? - Let's go, let's go.
- I heard it's cinnamon raisin.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Drazen's about to get out and Garrett's gonna miss it.
No, he'll be here.
I have faith.
Oh, he better.
I spent all night drawing this picture of us.
Wow.
Stick figures with genitals.
Interesting choice.
I made a drawing for Garrett too.
Ah, this one is just genitals.
I'm assuming the one with glasses is me.
Dang, who's that with Drazen's wife? She's so pretty.
She looks like Princess Peach.
I mean, Pamela Anderson.
That's Drazen's niece, Madalina.
I saw her at the Moldovan bodega when I was picking up this great hair gel.
It's made out of eggplants, and it's got a little bit of red pepper and salt, and there's a sausage on the label.
I'm just realizing now it's a condiment.
Yeah, condoms, yeah, um Hey, Lyudmila.
It it's Brady.
You you remember? So, Madalina Don't even think about it.
Madalina's only interested in nice Moldovan boys.
Oh, but I am a nice Moldovan boy.
You didn't hear that.
My mommy says I'm her little mishka.
You tell anyone, and I swear to God You are not a real Moldovan.
Your back is hairless and there's still hope in your eyes.
- I made it.
I made it.
- Daddy! Oh, my God.
I ran just from the car to here.
I am so out of shape and my left arm is numb.
Is that bad? All right, the supporting documents you submitted in front of me regarding the respondent, Drazen Barbu Bond is granted.
You are free to go until your deportation hearing next month.
That being all, this hearing is closed.
- [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yeah! Whoo! It must've been terrible there in detention.
Nah.
You find a way to get by.
Have you heard of transcendental meditation? It doesn't work at all.
Look, we want to help put all that behind you.
There's got to be tons of stuff you're just dying to do, right? Oh, yes.
I would like to go to the toilet without someone watching me.
Definitely.
But also, you deserve a fun day out.
Anything you want, keeping in mind I have $57.
Oh, Drazen day.
Yes, I love this idea.
Oh, okay, wait a minute.
I do too, but Garrett, there's no way.
You're schedule is packed.
You have meetings, interviews.
You have a sit-down with the Times Square Off-Brand Elmos Union.
Yeah, great, whatever.
Just go ahead and go.
Actually, the sooner you go, the sooner I can get a face tattoo and get pregnant.
And then have the baby and get it a face tattoo too, so you should go.
Okay, what's going on here? I believe some of their abandonment issues - have bubbled to the surface.
- [SNICKERS.]
Abandonment issues? Yeah, right.
Get lost.
Wait, no, don't go.
I'm so sorry I did wrong whatever I did.
I'll do better.
I'm a good little boy.
Guys, it's okay, I can do two things at once.
So what do you want to do? Well, in detention, the food was terrible.
I think it's a good idea for all of us to go out and have a nice, big meal.
Love that idea.
Should we all invite our our beautiful nieces? I could, but she's in Pennsylvania.
No, not you.
No one was talking to you.
So it's decided.
We're gonna have a Drazen day.
I'll take care of my stuff and meet you at the fanciest place you can think of.
Thanks for visiting Guy Fieri's Flavor Grenade.
Can I interest you in some dessert? We have a special on our carnitas enchilada milkshake.
No, no, I think I ate too much rock 'n' roll Irish rigatoni.
What made it Irish? They pour Guinness all over it.
[GRUNTS.]
Don't mind me.
I just want to sit next to my fellow Moldovans.
- Okay.
- Ah, Bojan.
You have finally embraced your motherland.
She welcomes you into her soft and drunken bosom.
No, I've always been, like, super into Moldova.
Why do you describe Moldova as the oozing sore - on Europe's taint? - [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
That's just an old folksy expression, Hakim, you dumb block, you blocker.
Hey, everybody, I'm sorry I'm late.
My meeting ran long.
Is it too late for me to order a none of this? We're all done.
But we are going to go back to the bar and have a drink.
Perfect.
Let's go.
Wait, Garrett, you have an interview with Grantham Sloan from "The Times".
You can't miss it.
That guy's the real deal.
His profile on the "Cash Me Outside" girl was so thoughtful it brought me to tears.
- "How 'bout that?" - You just got here.
Are you seriously going to leave us again? Wait, wait, wait, Garrett, look over here.
- Look what I can do.
- Oh, wait, I can do that too.
- Look at me, Garrett.
- Isn't this cool? - Does it make you want to stay? - Did I do a good job, Daddy? - Do you love me, Daddy? - Don't go.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Griselda, just tell Grantham I'll do the interview at the bar.
See? I can do two things at once.
Oh, no, I think I did the splits into some Donkey Sauce and now I'm stuck to the floor.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
May I have everyone's attention, please? This one goes out to Madalina, from Bojan, your "Moldovan word for friend".
I guess I was supposed to Google that? [CHUCKLES.]
[TRADITIONAL MOLDOVAN MUSIC PLAYING.]
This is one of our most famous songs.
It has my favorite words.
"Moldova, Moldova, God has forsaken us.
Our wheat is on fire.
We now must eat tires".
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
Madalina.
You know, I can't help but feel this connection to you.
Must be the old country.
It's like our blood is calling to each other.
Everyone's blood in Moldova is more or less the same, 'cause of all the cousin marriage.
Cool.
Love that about our culture.
So Do you want to go out some time? That's so sweet, but you're just, like, really, really Moldovan.
Right? But you you like that, though? Oh, God, no.
I just tell that to my family so they get off my back.
Honestly, I prefer dating dumb American frat dudes.
But that's me.
I'm so basic.
My favorite movie is "Transformers 2".
I post gym selfies with hashtag "hustle" and "no days off".
- You don't have to lie to me.
- I'm not lying.
I am seriously considering getting a Joe Rogan tattoo.
Well, I should go.
I have a Tinder date with a guy named Cody at P.
F.
Chang's.
- Bye, cuz.
- [SIGHS.]
That's my favorite Chinese food.
It's the only Chinese food that comes with a side of ranch.
Mr.
Modi.
Grantham Sloan.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
I must say, if you're trying to change your image, scheduling your first major interview at a bar is an interesting choice.
I realize that, but we're actually here to celebrate a friend who was just released from ICE detention.
I can assure you I'm approaching this election very seriously.
Hey, Daddy, look at me.
Ooh.
I had a whole other thing.
I just [CLEARS THROAT.]
Look, I really only have one question.
Why on Earth should anyone trust you to hold office again? I mean, what's changed? Yeah, so what's changed is the people in this bar who are now such a big part of my life.
If I run again, it'll be because of them.
Griselda here has to work 12 jobs just to make ends meet, but the promise of this country is worth it to her.
Hakim used to be a doctor.
Now he drives a cab.
Brady down there has learned that you can wear a swimsuit as underwear.
- Uh, and - Hello, everyone.
I would like to make announcement.
Perfect timing.
This is Drazen, our guest of honor.
Every day that he walks free in this country, I consider a personal victory.
I will never forget the kindness and love that you all showed me today.
And that makes it truly perfect way to say - Goodbye.
- Goodbye? Yes.
I'm self-deporting back to Moldova.
Now, who wants to disco? [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
This is the worst.
Now Drazen's leaving us too? We must not be hot enough.
No, wait.
You're a 10 and I'm a 10.
5.
- What's going on here? - I know it's been hard, but you can't give up now.
I'm happy to give up.
I'm tired of the uncertainty.
It's like me going to your house every single day and say, "I think I'm gonna throw you in the street, "today.
Or maybe it will be tomorrow, - or maybe never?" - No, Drazen, if you keep fighting, you will be an American citizen someday.
- I promise.
- You're a good man, Garrett, but you cannot guarantee that.
I could still be deported.
At least now I leave on my own terms, in the best possible way, with the taste of Guy Fieri in my mouth.
[BLUES ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Bye, Garrett.
Okay.
Hey, we need a plan, all right? Something big, to really convince Drazen that America's worth fighting for.
Twins, do you know how to get, like, a live bald eagle? If we can sort of figure out a way to make it seem - like it's talking.
- What if he's right? What? Drazen has a point.
There are no guarantees, and the truth of the matter is that a lot of people don't even want us here.
Or even see us as human beings.
We're invisible to them.
That's why everyone is always vomiting or having sex in my cab.
Sometimes in the same trip.
I'm probably gonna end up back in Moldova too.
It's the worst.
Our first king was best friends with Dracula.
I don't want to hang out with Dracula's grandkids counting all the time.
What is wrong with you guys? I feel like I'm talking to a bunch of strangers.
What happened to that scrappy gang that was searching for their hero and begged me to be their teacher, huh? - Garrett.
- Oh, this is not a good time, - guys.
- This can't wait.
Look, we just got some intel that Josefina Torres is getting ready to announce her run for borough president.
She's a Harvard-educated PhD who served in Afghanistan.
Unfortunately, for our side.
Also, she is way better-looking than you.
We've got to announce your candidacy now.
Look, if we're gonna have a chance at this, we've got to be the first ones out the gate.
We're pulling an all-nighter.
You've got a speech to write, press conference to hold.
Honestly, you got to start doing some squats.
- We need that butt to pop.
- Wha uh? - It's now or never.
- [GROANS.]
All right, I'm sorry, okay? I have to go, but this is not over.
Don't leave with them, Garrett.
I don't care how good the sex is.
No, no, I'm not having sex with them.
Then what the hell is even going on? [FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Ooh, Garrett, we're gonna need you to change that tie.
Our testing indicates that that shade of blue reads "beta cuck"? Okay, fine, but can we speed this up, please? I really need to get back to my friends.
Oh, I'd give them some space.
They seem a little depressed.
And I'm not saying Brady is definitely an incel, but I was considering taking one for the team and letting him honk one.
We were actually hoping you could bring your friends to the announcement.
It's the photo-op of a lifetime.
The image of all those [WHISPERS.]
diverse faces - standing behind you.
- Why did you whisper "diverse"? Also, if one of them has a weird instrument or a curly shoe, that would play great.
All right, listen, my friends aren't props, okay? - They're human beings.
- No biggie.
- We'll just use the extras.
- What extras? Guys.
Uh Okay, this is insane.
And is that guy supposed to be Hakim? - His hair is all wrong.
- But, like, I'm okay with the Griselda because she is, like, fine.
Look, the details don't matter to the press.
They're just a great comeback story for you.
[GROANING.]
Hold this accordion.
This isn't what my friends are to me at all, okay? And right now, they need my help, - so I'm sorry, I have to go.
- Garrett.
You need to make a decision.
Are you gonna mess around in a bar all day, or do you want to get into a position to actually help people like your friends? [GROANS.]
Okay, you're right.
But I'm not taking a picture with these impostors, okay? I'll, uh I'll go talk to them.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
And can anyone tell me what the Bill of Rights did? Stop telling us things.
You're not our real dad.
- Neither is Garrett.
- What did you say about Daddy? - I will sue you.
- Guys, we have to focus, okay? I'm upset too, but we have a citizenship test to study for.
Why? This whole thing is a waste of time.
Drazen's gone, Garrett's gone, and Madalina dumped me because she fell in love with me too fast.
- I don't think that's accurate.
- Okay, you weren't there.
- That was the subtext.
- Yeah, Brady's right, Hakim.
Why are we trying to keep this stupid class together? We should just get on to our helicopters and go our separate ways.
- Good.
You're all here.
- Oh, what do you want? We have a new daddy and his name is Hakim.
- No, I'm not.
- Look, I know I haven't been the best friend these last few days, but I really need you to do me a favor, okay? And if you do this for me, you never have to see me again if you don't want to.
Guys, please.
This is really important to me, and hopefully it will be for you too.
Come on.
[FUNKY HORN MUSIC.]
Where are we even going? And why doesn't this private jet have any wings? If you're taking us to an illegal erotic acrobatic show in an old mannequin factory, we were just at one this morning.
You'll see.
We just need to pick up Drazen first.
Welcome ladies and gentlemen.
We will begin shortly.
What is this place? [ROUSING MUSIC.]
Please stand.
Oh, so these people are all About to become citizens.
Yeah.
Candidates for naturalization, please raise your right hand and repeat after me.
- I hereby declare - ALL: I hereby declare - On oath - ALL: On oath That I absolutely and entirely ALL: That I absolutely and entirely - Renounce and abjure - ALL: Renounce and abjure All allegiance and fidelity ALL: All allegiance and fidelity - To any foreign prince - ALL: To any foreign prince I didn't have the right words for why it's worth it to stay and fight for your citizenship, so look around.
America is a place where people come from all over the world and find common ground.
I mean, just look at us.
Where else in the world would a group like us - have found each other? - Not Moldova.
It's all sick white people.
Against all enemies Look, I wanted to get back into politics to help people.
But politics is about compromise, and maybe someday I'll be willing to do that.
But one thing I won't compromise on is being with you guys until I see each one of you taking that oath.
- So until then - Shut up! Sorry.
You're gonna be a great New Yorker.
A warm welcome to our newest citizens.
- Congratulations.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Two hot dogs in one week.
What, did you take out a loan? You know, I was thinking America is kind of like this hot dog.
You know, we all come from different parts of the pig, but once you grind us all up and put some mustard on us, we become part of the same multicultural tube of meat.
That's a disgusting analogy.
You're basically comparing us to pig intestines.
But I see what you're going for.
- [HORN BLARES.]
- Oh.
You, uh, kept the bus.
Well, I gave it to somebody who I thought could use it.
- Hey.
- Hello, everyone.
I figured since he decided to stay and fight for his citizenship, he should, uh, take a tour of America.
See what the country has to offer.
He's earned it.
Plus, you can't return a bus once you've plastered your face along the side of it.
Lyudmila and I are going to visit all the greatest American parts.
And by that, he means every Guy Fieri restaurant between here and California.
Don't worry, there is a very strong toilet in the bus.
For pooping? The Guy Fieri food is going to give me a lot of diarrhea.
Yes, we understood the implication.
Yeah, before you go, will you let Madalina know that I'm a stupid American douche? - It would mean the world to me.
- You tell her yourself.
Madalina! - Bojan.
- Hey.
- This is Brian.
- Hey, what's up? What's up, bro? Yeet! - No, "yeet" is my thing.
- I do that all the time.
I swear.
Yeet! Hey, guys, I just want to say I'm sorry if it felt like I was abandoning you, and I hope you know I'm not going anywhere.
What? We barely noticed you were gone.
Yeah, and why are you talking to us in front of our friends? We told you to drop us off around the corner and wait in the car.
Listen, I just wanted to say, after what you did, if you ever do decide to run, you have my endorsement.
Wow.
Well, look how far we've come.
You used to think that I was a total screwup, but now you look up to me.
Oh, that is not what I said at all.
You know, I can see it, behind your eyes.
Forget it.
Endorsement withdrawn.
No, no, no, it's too late.
Hey, everybody, I said yes.
- We just got endorsed.
- [CHEERS.]
Withdrawn.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Okay, 30 seconds on the clock.
Answer as many citizenship questions as you can.
Ready, set, go.
- The Declaration of Independence.
- What about it? - Is that the question? - Whose turn is it? Wrong.
Next question.
The original 13 colonies.
- Name 'em.
- I'm so confused.
Are we on one team or are we playing against each other? - Wrong.
Next question.
- This game sucks.
Okay, yeah, I guess I didn't really think through how the game would actually work, but I did get a stopwatch.
That's got to count for something, right? - No, it doesn't.
- Oh, my God.
You got one right and the time's ran out.
BOTH: We won! [SQUEALING, LAUGHING.]
Guess I forgot to write down the answers too, so I guess that's it for today.
Class dismissed.
We just got here.
[PANTHER GROWLS.]
[LASER PINGS.]