Superior Donuts (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

Homeless for the Holidays

1 Hey, Arthur, this is just Christmas stuff.
I thought you were gonna get Hanukkah decorations.
Nah, it's too expensive.
I'd rather convert.
(laughs) (laughter) Only I can make that joke.
Um, excuse me, I don't see any Kwanzaa decorations.
I'd be happy to celebrate Kwanzaa.
What should I put up? (laughing): Oh, what should you put up for Kwanzaa? Everybody know you put up the Kwanzaa tree.
And I-I think there's a ham.
You have absolutely no idea what Kwanzaa is.
No, but I am sick and tired of whatever it is not being represented.
My family doesn't celebrate Christmas.
We just refer to it as the time of year when people get mad about Starbucks cups.
I'm all about Christmas this year.
I got a job as Santa passing out flyers at a bike shop.
Hmm, got a gig playing the big guy, huh? Well, you're looking at 20 years experience slinging them bells.
If you want, I can give you some Santa pointers, take you under my wing.
When's the last time you washed under that wing? Lesson number one: Let single moms cut to the front of the line, but don't let them spend the night.
There's only so much magic in that suit.
Hey, what's Pink Panther doing? - Who's that? - He's the homeless guy that camps out over at the "L".
He wears this old, pink hat that he got at the Women's March, so we call him Pink Panther.
This is weird.
He had a nice setup over this warm vent at McDonald's.
I get him french fries every time I go.
Then we talk about how much the Bulls suck.
I wonder why he moved.
The Uptown Business Council.
We got the police to move all of the homeless people off the streets for the holidays.
You're welcome.
What is wrong with you? That's a human being, man.
You can't It's freezing outside.
W-Why don't you come in, man? Yeah, come in.
Warm up.
I'll buy you a cup of coffee.
- Really? - Yeah.
After all, it's Kwanzaa.
What is that again? I don't know.
Um But come in, man.
Pop a squat.
I'll get you a donut.
I probably shouldn't.
What? Nonsense.
Man, here.
Take some.
Take as many as you want, man.
There you go.
Oh, what the hell is Pink Panther doing here? How many times do I have to tell you? Don't let the homeless in here.
Well, he ain't bothering nobody.
I got to run a business here.
It's just one dude.
Until he tells his buddies.
Then the place is swarming with people looking for free food.
That's called the domino effect.
Because it happened at the Domino's around the corner.
The homeless thing is very complicated.
We used to pick them up when we were on patrol, drop them off at the shelter.
Next night they'd be back out on the street.
Breaks my heart.
Yeah, me, too.
Part of me wants to be a decent human being and give them food and the other part of me wants to be like Arthur.
When did "decent human being" become the opposite of Arthur? Well, I'm down for helping the homeless, Franco.
'Cause without me, you would be homeless? Maybe my Santa career will take off and I won't have to sleep on your beanbag chair anymore.
Maybe you have to sleep on his beanbag chair because you say things like, "Maybe my Santa career will take off.
" It's almost Christmas, all right? Would it kill us to show this dude a little bit of kindness? Hey, man.
How about a cup of coffee? He fell asleep.
Look, in the spirit of Christmas, I'm gonna skip the I-told-you-so and jump right to get him the hell out of here.
All right.
Hey, man.
Yo! Hey! (screams) (screams) I can't find a pulse.
Arthur, call 911.
FRANCO: All right, well, what-what should we do? Maybe put him outside as an example to the others? What? I thought we were brainstorming.
I've never seen a dead body without bullet holes before.
It's unnatural.
It's not exactly a barrel of laughs, except the time I found that dead clown in a barrel.
Man, can't believe a dude died right here in the store.
No, no, no, no! From deliciousness! It We got a rule here, kid.
Nobody talks about people who die in the shop.
What? Why is that a rule? Yeah.
How often does this happen? We knew nothing about the guy.
Like, did he, did he have a family? Is there anybody we can contact? Let's look in his bag.
Let's see.
Shirts one sneaker a copy of The 4-Hour Workweek.
He got it down to zero.
I found a student ID.
From Chicago State, John Dixon.
Class of '76.
RANDY: Look, a passport.
Yogurtland punch card.
He was one stamp away from a free cone.
John Dixon, I will fulfill your destiny.
Man, this dude led a full life we knew nothing about.
School, travel.
And this is how it ends? He deserves something more dignified, guys.
You know something? We-we should have a service for him.
You know? Celebrate his life.
I don't know.
You know, I-I got a lot to do.
It's my annual Christmas party.
For the first time and you're all invited.
I've got a lot of work to do, too.
Someone complained that my gingerbread men were too sexist, so now I have to go home and castrate a hundred cookies.
Look, uh, I think John would want us all to just move on.
- And how do you know that? - I don't.
I just want to move on.
But we can't move on, man.
You don't know what it's like to have people walk by you - like you don't exist.
- And you do? Yeah.
I was homeless.
What? When? When I was 16.
My dad kicked me out.
I slept in a bus station, on the "L" train.
I spent a few nights on the street.
Oh, God, I'm really sorry to hear that.
FRANCO: It's cool.
I pulled out of it.
W-When I saw John (sighs) couldn't help but think that could've been me.
Franco, you're right.
We should do something to honor his life.
Let's have a memorial here in the shop.
We can do it tomorrow.
It'll be instead of my Christmas bonus.
(laughing): Your Christmas bonus? (laughs) Okay, fine.
(laughing): A homeless funeral.
When I tell my family in Iraq about these things, they never believe me.
ARTHUR: Okay, tick-tock.
Let's honor a man's life and get home for Celebrity Jeopardy.
Hey, where's Sweatpants? In the bathroom, trying on his new Santa suit.
I want to be here to help.
One year, my belly slid into my pants.
It looked like I had a medical problem.
Hey, you wore black.
That's cool.
Out of respect.
You're going out after this, aren't you? Yup.
Let's do this.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of John Dixon.
World traveler, student, fan of yogurts.
Let's all, uh, bow our heads in a moment of silence for John.
(door opens) Yo, yo, yo.
(imitates DJ): Sica-sica-sica-Santa Claus in the hica-house! Oh, is that funeral thing happening right now? What the hell is this? That's not Santa.
That's Santa's DJ.
Put my own spin on it.
Yeah, well, none of it's regulation.
Where's the beard? Where's the coat? And are you on something? 'Cause that twinkle in your eye is not natural.
I like it.
Cool Santa's hot.
Yeah? Well, have you been naughty or nice? Because Santa's good with both.
Santa, please.
ARTHUR: Hey, Fawz.
You been filming this? It's a hobo funeral attended by a hip-hop Santa.
I'm telling you, you're gonna be famous in Fallujah.
As I was saying, we are here to pay respects to John Dixon.
He had so little and we have so much.
You know, I used to drive by in my patrol car and think, "I should bring him some blankets or clothes", but I never did.
And I knew so many people in the food business, I could've helped him find some odd job.
Yeah, I should've let him come in here and warm up.
Maybe use the bathroom.
Why do you feel bad? He spent every dollar you gave him on froyo.
Know what? Let's raise a mug.
To John Dixon.
Wish you were still here, man.
Your wish came true.
(screams) I know, my hair is a mess.
John, how can you be alive? I-I couldn't find a pulse.
Well, neither could the EMTs.
Your tax dollars at work, am I right? I'm diabetic and I went into a coma.
But they didn't figure that out until I got into the ER.
I'm sorry, man.
I didn't, I shouldn't have given you those damn donuts.
It's-it's not your fault.
I mean, it is.
You killed me.
But for only, like, three minutes.
I mean Guess I'll get my stuff.
Hey, which one of you jerks was going through my stuff? I had a valuable pair of 2009 New Year's Eve glasses.
The zeroes were eyes.
Hey, uh, we-we can't let him go.
He's got a second chance.
I mean, we-we've got a second chance.
To do what? To do all that stuff we said about wishing how we could help him.
And now we can.
Oh, right.
We - W-We did say all that.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, um (quietly): Do we think John heard that? Yeah, I've got work to do.
And it's three days before Christmas.
I-It's the perfect time to help him.
Randy, you can help him find some new clothes.
Uh Sofia, you can help him find a job, right? And Arthur, you can let him use the bathroom like you said you would.
I did? I don't remember that.
Oh, no, you did, I, uh, recorded it.
Fawz! Hey, hey, John, John, r-real quick, um Uh, what's your schedule like the next few days? - It's pretty full.
- Okay, well W-We want to help you.
I can move some things around.
All right! Come on, man.
I'm gonna give them back, but, uh Am I right? Okay.
So you're saying if he gets a job, then he's eligible for transitional housing? Okeydokey, smoky, all right! Okay.
And good day to you, too, kind sir.
All right.
Did you hear that? Yeah, you're kind of a dork on the phone.
No, we got to find him a job.
Yo, Sofia, how's the résumé coming along? Well, there's not much to work with.
His last job was "grocery bagger", and his references are "They're all liars.
" Bup.
Maybe I can help.
As a veteran of the gig economy, I've had to dress up a couple résumés.
Under "work experience", he has "eating.
" Food taster.
And "begging.
" Venture capitalist.
And "pushing a shopping cart.
" Train conductor.
(imitates train whistle) Best Christmas ever.
Where are your flyers? Gave them all away.
Are those yours? Yeah, I, uh, haven't started yet.
But I just saw you out front.
Must've been a different guy.
Santa! Ho, ho, ho Hey! Hey, shorty.
You been good? Not really.
It don't matter.
I'm-a still hook you up.
Thanks, Santa! I don't get it.
Why'd she run to you? Less is more, baby.
I can do more with one "ho" than you can with three.
Maple cream.
Make it a double! Okay, what, you had a tough time finding him an interview suit? RANDY: We went to five stores, and he couldn't find anything he liked.
Nothing flattered my silhouette.
Just because I live in a box doesn't mean I got to look like one.
It's cool, John, don't worry about it.
We'll find you something.
Well, how's my résumé coming? Oh, uh, well, I'm just working on the "skills" section.
Just trying to find a more presentable way to say "Kicking ass and taking names.
" Is that the font you're using? - Mm-hmm.
- Helvetica? Oh, hell no.
Oh, free coffee! (laughing): Yeah.
Yeah, free for you, John.
Everybody else pays for it.
It's a big part of my income.
Ah (retches) Oh! This is terrible.
(groans) People pay for that? Is it just me, or is this guy a dick? Maybe he's a dick because he lives out on the streets and people treat him like garbage.
Well, now he's treating us like garbage.
And Helvetica is a very professional font.
Okay, l-let's just take a second and remember why we're all doing this.
I'm drawing a blank.
Let's kick him out of here.
Can't we just find some shelter - and write him a check? - Yes.
Can't Sofia just find him some shelter and write him a check? I-If you want to donate, great, then donate.
But all he needs is a job so he can get the housing.
Who's gonna hire that guy? Maybe some big-hearted business owner, uh, filled with the spirit of Hanukkah? If you think Irv Saltzman's gonna You talking about me? No, no, no.
Forget that.
Just for a couple of days.
He can dress up like Santa, a-and stand outside and pass out flyers.
Why are we busting our humps for him? He's so ungrateful.
Who cares? You think this is about us feeling good? No.
I-It's about helping somebody who needs it.
Even if they don't smile or say "thank you.
" (quietly): Okay, okay, fine.
Thank you.
He's gonna bring in customers.
He has a certain charm about himself.
You're sitting in my seat.
Somebody died in that booth.
Tattoos! Get your Christmas tattoos! Buy two, get a free piercing.
Merry Christmas to you, man.
Hey! Feliz Navidad! Hey, what's up, man? Hey, man.
Happy Hanukkah, Irv.
What are you doing here? My job.
No, no.
I've been on the same corner every Christmas since '98.
I've got seniority.
Yeah, well, I've got popu-lority.
When I say "Fa, la," y'all say "La.
" Fa, la.
- ALL: La! - Fa, la.
La! (chuckles) Really? Whoa.
And it's old St.
Did you see a guy named John back there? I'm John.
What? I didn't I didn't recognize you.
You just saw me walk in that bathroom.
What's wrong with you? And off we go! Donuts? Some kind of deal on donuts.
Hey, man, we got a surplus of Santas here.
If you want, there's an empty sidewalk in front of the Clip'n'Go.
Yeah, homie, keep it moving.
And what if I don't? Hey, man.
Thanks for giving John that job.
Oh, sure.
That guy's been pushed around by life.
Right? You know, sometimes, people just need the kindness of strangers to move them in the right direction.
You know? It really gives me hope.
Mommy, the Santas are fighting! Oh, come on! Damn it, John! Hey! Stop! Stop! Stop.
Stop, stop.
Come on.
- Get in.
What are you doing? - What what the hell is going on out there? We were having a holly, jolly conversation, and then he got in our faces.
Come on, man, John.
I-I stood up for you, man.
I-I was just doing my job.
Yeah, well, not anymore.
You're fired.
What? You can't fire Santa.
Hey, no.
Uh he hey, he's just Santa's helper.
Oh, h-he We're sending him back to the North Pole for some anger management classes.
You know what? I don't need your help.
But I will take the suit as payment.
Hey, listen, I'm sorry, kid, but he crossed the line.
- I'm out.
- RANDY: Yep.
Me, too.
You ever have a man grab your sack and beat you with it? It's humiliating.
We tried.
He's impossible.
Well, you know what? Let me guess.
(imitating Franco): He's a human being, man.
He needs our help, man.
I'm done with him, too.
- Really? - Yeah.
Maybe y'all are right.
Maybe Maybe he is a lost cause.
Oh, well, look, Franco.
Maybe we can find some other homeless guy to help.
You know, like that guy over in the park who teaches Pilates to the squirrels? No, I ain't dragging y'all into that.
Franco, come on.
Wha-wha it was a stupid idea.
I-I never should've gotten involved.
He's really taking it hard.
Even his hair seems sad.
I feel terrible we let him down.
Well, you should.
He's giving up.
Franco can't give up.
We need his idealism.
Fawz, I've never seen this side of you before.
I mean, who am I gonna mock? Making fun of his ridiculous optimism is my jam.
You idiots! You broke Franco! (indistinct chatter) What the hell's going on? Well, we felt really bad about giving up on John.
So we decided to throw a party for our friends from the neighborhood.
Wha You-you did this for me? Nope.
You were right.
This shouldn't be about us.
It should be about helping people who really need it.
Some with hepatitis.
SOFIA: We don't want you losing your optimism.
This is great, man.
This is a Kwanzaa miracle! I think.
And, by the way, let's say hi to our guest of honor.
FRANCO: Hey! Who is this handsome devil? Hey, it's me.
Are you blind? Y-You you look great, dude.
We got him a coat.
And I got him a job.
- Are you serious? - Yes! With the Business Council.
He goes around and makes sure that all the businesses are following the rules.
The perfect job for a dick.
You know it! (laughs) And, uh, you have a light bulb out in the alley.
And a loose lid on the dumpster.
Don't ask me how I know that.
Man, this-this proves there's no such thing as a lost cause.
And if we all come together, we can we can do anything.
I'm glad I still have the mask on.
It's keeping the vomit in.
Franco's back.
(crying): God bless us, everyone.
Aw, come here, man.