Superior Donuts (2017) s02e08 Episode Script

Electile Dysfunction

1 Hey, Arthur, can I put one of my campaign posters in your window? The election for the Uptown Business Council is in three days.
Let's see it.
TUSH: "Vote Fawz for president or else.
" Or else what? Or else you'll be torn apart by tigers.
But that wouldn't fit on the poster.
Eh, it doesn't matter.
I'm running unopposed.
Which is actually my other poster.
So, you got big plans for your second term? Well, the first thing I plan to do is renew my handicap parking sticker.
Because, you know, I have that condition, where I don't like to look for parking.
Plus, I want to do something about that playground on Sheridan Ave.
Oh, that's dope.
It's getting a little run-down.
What, you gonna put up a new swing set or something? Well, something will be swinging, namely, a wrecking ball.
What? Yeah, we're gonna pave over the playground And put up a parking lot.
Hey! Yo, you-you can't do that.
I've been going to that park since I was a little kid, man.
I have a lot of good memories there.
At least-least, I think I do.
I-I smoked a lot of weed there, too.
Well, I represent the business owners, and they need a parking lot to attract more shoppers.
Everybody loves that park.
What's next? You gonna tear down a library and put up a Target? (chuckles) Okay, let's not get carried away.
(chuckles) Tear down library, call Target.
You already got rid of the two-dollar movie theater and the video arcade.
I'm running out of places to have sex when my roommate's home.
I'm glad they're getting rid of that park.
Okay, what do you have against it? A mean girl made fun of me there and stole my Happy Days lunch box.
I haven't gone back since.
I want to think that was during his childhood, but chances are, it happened last week.
Tush, did you say a Happy Days lunch box? Yeah.
And three ham salad sandwiches.
- And a thermos filled with - Tang? Oh, my God.
It was you! (laughs) This is hilarious! Hilarious? I was so traumatized, I peed my pants and had to be homeschooled for the rest of third grade.
40 years later, the taunting still rings in my ears.
A girl stole your lunch box.
And he smells like sweat socks.
Oh, fun, a second verse.
Very funny.
Aw, Tush.
It was very funny.
Okay, maybe Tush hates the park, but you know something? It's important to a lot of us.
That was the one place I could go when things got tough at my house.
Plus, it was one of the few places that a family can have a picnic, you know, and breathe fresh air.
Unless someone was, uh, smoking a reefer on the roundabout.
Smoking what on the what? What he's trying to say is "weed on the merry-go-round.
" But the way Calvin Coolidge would have said it.
Hey, yo, if you care that much, why don't you run against Fawz? You know what? I don't care that much.
Franco is so naive to think that you would want to run for this.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, the thought that anyone would vote for you over me is crazy.
It's not that crazy.
You know, I've been a businessman in this neighborhood for 40 years.
Yes, but the neighborhood has changed and you no longer fit in.
No offense, but you're a relic, a dinosaur.
You're basically useless to this generation.
Why do you even bother to say "no offense"? It gives me permission to say whatever hateful thing I'm thinking.
It's the first phrase I learned in English.
ARTHUR: Yeah.
Yeah, well, no offense, you're an idiot.
That was the second phrase I learned.
Look, I still got a lot to contribute.
I would make a great president.
You would make a great grandfather.
Franco! I changed my mind.
I'm gonna run for president of the business council.
Hell yeah, man! That sounds good! - Yeah.
- FAWZ: Yes, it does.
Everyone your age should have a little project.
You know, like a jigsaw puzzle or running a useless campaign.
I plan to win.
Yeah.
We're about to save Grayden Park.
Yeah.
They might even rename the park after me.
Ah! Yes, I can see it now.
Jurassic Park! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the next president of the Uptown Business Council, Arthur Przybyszewski! Arthur, have you thought about a nickname? Because your last name looks like an eye chart.
"A hole new approach.
" I love it.
You know what, I'm gonna get my buddies from the neighborhood to put these up.
I'll start with, uh, Cathy at the bead store.
Arthur, that place shut down months ago.
Oh.
All right, I'll just walk one over to Morty the Cobbler.
He died.
Well, then who's the new cobbler? There are no new cobblers! Arthur, where have you been? Right here! I live above the shop.
Last winter, I never even put on a coat.
Well, look, while you were hiding out in your bunker, the neighborhood changed.
My old business buddies, they were my base.
Hey, it's cool.
All we got to do is get you out there to meet some new people, man.
Hey, you got this.
Okay, okay.
Hello, all! I just met with the architect for the new parking garage.
I'm gonna get to ride the crane! Beep, beep! Don't get too ahead of yourself, Fawz, 'cause Arthur's campaign is just getting started.
We got a whole plan we're working on.
- "We"? - ARTHUR: Yeah, Franco and me.
We're teaming up.
Yeah.
I'm gonna be - his new campaign manager.
- You are? Yeah.
Sofia and I are gonna help him get elected.
We are? Mm-hmm.
Look, you and I give him a tour of the neighborhood and introduce him to the new generation of business owners.
You want me to help Arthur, the man who calls my food truck the Fart Wagon? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You ain't doing it for him.
You're doing it to save Grayden Park.
Yeah, I do great weekend business there.
Turns out a lot of people like to eat their feelings on Saturdays.
Okay.
- I'm in.
- All right.
A millennial campaign manager.
Interesting strategy, Arthur.
But I'm still gonna crush you.
Well, you don't know who you're dealing with.
I know exactly who I'm dealing with.
"A hole"! "New approach"! Oh, I see it now! How's he doing in there? Is he getting any votes? Well, he was hitting it off with the little lesbian, but now the big lesbian's yelling at him.
Oh, there's a third lesbian! Well, this campaign's gonna be a disaster.
Oh, come on.
You're always so positive.
It's one of the things I like about you.
You like "things"? That's plural.
What else? Well Nope, that's it.
There's only one thing I like about you.
That's too bad.
'Cause I got these tickets to Chance the Rapper, so Oh, hey! I just found a second thing I like about you.
Oh, yeah? All right, so I guess we goin'.
We should probably grab dinner first.
Or go to the concert hungry.
That's cool, too.
Well, those dudes were cranky.
Hey, look, as your campaign manager, maybe I should do more or all the talking.
Hey, man, how's business? Great.
We were voted number one beard washery in Chicago.
Oh, speaking of voting, this is Arthur, owner of Superior Donuts.
Yeah, he's running for Uptown Business Council president.
MAN: I know you.
You wouldn't serve me 'cause I had my ferret.
Oh, that was you, huh? You know, putting something on a leash - doesn't make it any less disgusting.
- FRANCO: Okay! All right, uh, so, uh, Arthur here is fighting for what makes this neighborhood so special, unlike his opponent, who's trying to turn Grayden Park into a parking lot.
Well, I'm all for that.
We could use more parking around here.
No, dude, the kids in this neighborhood need that park.
I don't have kids.
Oh.
Uh, do you, by any chance, smoke weed? Look, my customers need a place to park.
I'm voting for the other guy.
- (exhales) - And, by the way, I suffer from anxiety.
My ferret is a service animal.
Oh, Tush.
I got you something on eBay.
A Happy Days lunch box? I wanted to give you back what I took from you.
That's weird.
I don't see my childhood in here.
You didn't just steal my lunch box and 16 ounces of ice-cold Tang.
You stole my faith in humanity.
(groans) You're being a little dramatic.
No, you know what's dramatic? Charlie's Angels.
That's the lunch box I had to use when you stole mine.
That is a great lunch box.
Which one were you? Her, her, or her? I'm not comfortable taking a gift from someone who thinks my feelings are a joke.
Just take it.
There it is! Still a bully! Hey, hey, hey.
Why does this mean so much to you? - It happened years ago.
- It shouldn't matter when it happened.
It upset me.
And if you were my friend, you wouldn't make a bunch of jokes, and try to buy me off with a $14 lunch box.
$14? Try $68.
And I had to e-mail some weirdo a picture of my feet.
We're done here.
Fine! A girl stole your paper.
Hello, Arthur! I hear your campaign is like one of my wife's old bras No support! Yeah, save it for the debate.
- Wait, what? - There's a debate? Yeah.
If there's more than one candidate, there has to be a debate.
You guys haven't read the UBC laws? It's only the best part of the Chamber of Commerce handbook! (laughs) Kind of a nerd.
If "nerd" means doing everything you can to help your business succeed, then nerd be I.
You know what, a debate sounds good for you, man.
People can hear that your heart's in the right place and that Fawz doesn't have one.
(sarcastically): Oh, no, I'm a dead man.
Unless, of course, I can come up with some fun posters.
Hello, what's this? Fawz, I thought we were friends.
- We are.
This is politics.
- No.
This is hitting below the belt.
Your pants come up to your neck.
Everything's below the belt.
Oh, get out of here.
Damn it! I got to beat that guy.
- That's what I'm talking about, man.
- Yeah.
Look, all you got to do is get out there, get some votes, and we're gonna save that playground.
- Oh, uh about the playground.
- What? Well, you heard those business people.
They're the ones who vote.
They want a parking lot.
Wait, are you are you switching sides? If that's what it takes to win, yeah.
I got to prove to Fawz and to everyone else that I'm not irrelevant in this neighborhood, that I really matter here.
So it's all about you now? Look, I just poured my heart out to you.
I found it very moving.
I'm kind of in a raw place, myself.
Arthur, look, there are more important things than winning.
It's better to be a principled loser than to be a sellout.
I'm sorry, but I came this far, and I got to win no matter what.
Okay, fine.
Well, then, you know what? Good luck finding yourself a new campaign manager, 'cause I quit.
Not the job.
I need the job.
Who wants some coffee? You? Come on.
Arthur.
I'm surprised Fawz let you have the debate - here in your own shop.
- Yeah, well, I talked him into it.
This way the voters can see what a successful businessman I am.
Why did you agree to have the debate here on Arthur's turf? It was my idea.
This way everyone can see what a pathetic businessman he is.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? - You got frosting on both sides? - Yeah.
I call them Flip-Flops.
You can, uh you can switch sides anytime you want to abandon your principles.
Hey, look, the kids can play in a parking garage.
They go to the top.
They slip on some roller skates.
Boom.
That's fun.
Yeah.
So, that's it for the playground.
Oh, no.
I ain't done fighting yet.
You want to know why? 'Cause the man you secretly love has a plan.
Really? Drake has a plan? No.
I'm gonna make sure Arthur does the right thing.
Hey, Tush.
Sorry, this seat's taken.
(sighs) Okay.
This has gone on long enough.
Come on.
- I want to show you something.
- Hard pass.
I'm done being bullied by you.
Damn it, Tush, get in the car right now! Coming.
(clears throat) Welcome, everybody.
I've been chosen to moderate tonight's UBC event.
Uh, what is UBC? Uptown Business Council.
The thing you're running for.
Oh! Oh.
Opening statements.
Gracias.
(clears throat) I would like to acknowledge my esteemed opponent as one of the nicest men on Earth.
And one of the first.
(laughs) Listen, I've been a business owner in Uptown for decades.
And, like some of you, I nearly lost my shirt in the recession.
And, like most of you, I did lose my shirt in his dry cleaners.
That's right, Fawz.
I just took you to the cleaners.
(laughter) Yeah, and I just took you to the donut shop.
Okay, I can tell by your reaction his was better.
Ah, back to the scene of the crime.
Come on.
I just want you to read something.
"Joe Nuñez eats butt.
" Yeah, everybody knows that.
Lower.
"Double Dee-Luca.
" That's what the girls called me in fifth grade.
I was an early bloomer.
It was horrible.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And it wasn't just the girls.
My gym teacher wouldn't let me use the trampoline unless I wore a football helmet.
No.
Yeah.
Those nuns were cruel.
Well, if people were mean to you, why'd you pick on me? 'Cause I was an angry, embarrassed, big-boobed kid.
And I took it out on kids that were younger than me because they couldn't fight back.
And, obviously, I haven't gotten any better at empathy as I've gotten older.
I'm really sorry, Tush.
(chuckles wryly) You think it's that simple? I'm hoping.
You still have that lunch box you bought me? I'll bring it tomorrow.
Thanks.
I can't believe I was scary enough to make you pee your pants.
You still are.
When you yelled at me at the shop, I went a little.
Now, Fawz claims he doesn't use chemicals at his dry cleaners.
Have you seen his employees? They've obviously been exposed to something.
Not true.
That's my wife's family.
They're just ugly.
Guys, you're ignoring the important issues, like easing the restrictions on signage or expanding the bike-share program.
Do we really care about people that can't afford their own bikes? Okay, let's open up the floor to questions.
I got one.
So, tell me something.
If you all decide to tear down Grayden Park, where's the little man supposed to play? Hey, no one said we could bring props.
Hey, everybody.
I'm-I'm Franco.
And this awesome kid right here is Andre.
So, Andre, tell everybody what the park means to you.
Oh, let me guess.
It's where he learned to play baseball.
Blah, blah, blah.
Actually, I'm not much of a sportsman.
But the park is where I learned how to plant a garden.
And because of said garden, I also learned self-defense.
Mm-hmm.
And after you play in the park, what do you do? Well, sometimes I get a haircut from you, or I buy ice cream from you and enjoy it while staring through the window of your yoga studio.
(laughs): Oh! Andre just hit puberty.
But you see? The park is bringing you business.
All good points.
And that is why, as you have all heard me say many times, I am for the playground.
But we need parking, too.
Also a good point, which is why you're allowed to park in the playground.
There must be another solution.
Hey, that old Endicott building is empty.
Couldn't we turn that into a parking garage? Uh, isn't that against the zoning laws? No, they just rezoned that whole block.
(confused chatter) Seriously? No one reads the handbook? You know, you don't have to read stuff.
You're attractive.
All right, look, whether there's a handbook or not - There is.
- (sighs) And the end of the day, the choice comes down to just two people.
You want a pillar of the Uptown business community? Or do you want a modern leader who's willing to say absolutely anything to be elected? What about her? She knows what she's talking about.
I'm voting for her.
Well, you can't.
She's not running.
Well, actually, the bylaws do allow a write-in candidate.
Oh, sure, just because she knows the bylaws and she cares about the neighborhood, you think she's qualified? Okay, show of hands.
All in favor of food truck lady? You don't even own a business.
Food truck lady it is.
(all cheering) But she's inexperienced, and I don't even know if she was born in this country.
I demand to see your birth certificate.
Well, Arthur, you know I'm not good with apologies.
(sighs) Wait a minute, th-that's it? Fine, I'll spoon-feed you.
I'm sorry for the things I said about you being old.
This shop is an Uptown institution, and you should be proud of that.
So, why all the mudslinging? Because I wanted to be reelected so badly.
You know, being president of the Business Council this past year made me feel respected.
You know, how everyone respects the president of the United States.
Well, for whatever it's worth, I respect you.
I mean, you came here with nothing, you built a business, you burned that business down for the insurance money, and you started a dry cleaners.
Thank you, and you can't prove anything.
There she is.
All hail Madam President.
Not my president.
Hey.
So, any, uh, big plans for your first term? So many.
I want to do an Uptown food festival, repave all the sidewalks.
I'm even thinking of doing a Dollar Days.
I might even spell it with a "Z.
" (laughs): I'm giddy with power.
That's cool.
We can celebrate your win at the Chance concert.
Oh, my God.
I'm-I'm so sorry.
My first council meeting is Friday night.
I know.
I read the bylaws, and I switched our tickets to Saturday.
You read the bylaws? It's kind of hot, right? It is.
Tell you what.
I'll take you to lunch right now if you can tell me what bylaw 14, section three is.
- Uh, it's Section three? - Mm-hmm.
(scoffs) That's my favorite bylaw.
Uh, thou shalt not - See you later, Franco.
- Okay.
I hate that handbook.