SuperMansion (2015) s03e01 Episode Script

Home Is Where the Shart Is

Man: Rex? Oh, Rex? [grunts] I told you what would happen if you led your precious League against me.
[grunting] But how could you foresee your defeat at the hooves of the ultimate Nazi super soldier, Swine Kampf? [screeches] If you're counting on your Nazi steel to hold me, you're sadly mistake mistake, uh you guys really know your steel.
Ix-nay on the ompliments-cay, Rex.
- He's Nazi scum! - Scum? We are the master race, or were you talking about the schweinhund pig man? Oh, yeah, he's scum.
Why would Adolf Hitler create a telekinetic monster from the DNA of Himalayan murder pigs? Aren't pigs disgusting, filthy animals? [growls] Yes, they are.
Even standing next to this one is, like, gross.
- Come on.
- My Omega Bands are empty, War Bond.
- Can you get out of your chains? - My superpower is advertising war bonds.
In what world am I getting out of my chains before you? If I could just get to my riveting gun.
This is no time to play the damsel in distress, Red Riveter.
- I'm just saying - Enough with the female hysterics! Your pants are on fire.
[screaming] I asked the question why send the master race to be slaughtered like pigs, when you could send pigs to be slaughtered like men? [growls] Pigs, whose lives mean nothing to the Reich? - Are you done yet? - Shh! Human beings with souls talking here! Now that Swine Kampf has proven his strength, we will flood the Allies with biological garbage like him.
- Rude.
- Before you die, know that you were defeated by an enemy that rolls around in shit, eats its own shit, and smells like sh Swi Aah! Put me down! - Oh.
- Right now! Put me down! He's an asshole, right? It's not just me.
Nope.
Not just you.
[muffled scream] [shouting] [growls] [screeching] [all shouts] Swine Kampf left a little slop in his trough, League.
Let's clean up.
- Can we take five on the pig jokes, please? - Oh, sure, sure, sure.
[groans] [music] [grunts] [shouts] [shouts] [slow motion] What the [bleep]? [groaning] [grunting] [grunting] [shouting] [grunts, screaming] This is war, desk jockey! Get in the game! I can't do this! [screeches] Aaah! [soldier grunts] Batter up, War Bond! - What? Aah! - Don't worry, pal, it gets easier.
Dear God, you have an erection! [laughing] [soldiers grunting] [Red Riveter grunts] [soldiers grunt] [heroic music] Not gonna hear the end of that one.
[grunting and cackling] Hey, pal.
It's five o'clock.
Quittin' time.
- Wait a minute! - I don't know how to thank No worries, Rex, I've got it! [grunt] Dude, what the hell? Stop it, Ranger.
He just killed Adolf Hitler.
He helped save the world.
I'll admit that.
But there's no law that says that makes him a hero.
Well, maybe there should be.
I think I'll go see my friend, Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
There's a law that says a villain becomes a superhero if they save the world? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! You wrote the damn bill! Your name is right on it! And seein' as how Dr.
Devizo and the Injustice Club helped save our asses from a Subtopian invasion, they are bonafide heroes.
Say hello to your new roommates.
Well, that's just the shits.
[theme music] 3x01 - Home Is Where the Shart Is How do you expect me to live with Dr.
Devizo? The man is a total psychopath! Sergeant Agony, I don't feel safe.
Rex, that was aggressive and unacceptable.
If you don't like it, you can move out.
I'm showin' some very reasonably priced studio apartments at three.
[phone rings] Hello? Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, no no no, I said ocean-adjacent.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to find out where I'm sleeping.
Aw, I can't stand these villains living in my mansion! Oh, is that bothering you? I think it's the first time you've mentioned it.
I have got to get this stupid law off the books.
Are you planning a run for Congress, or just totally ignorant of how the legislative system works? I want you to look up Swine Kampf, see what he's been up to since the war.
If he's so much as gotten a jaywalking ticket, we can make the case that this law is a danger to the public.
Cool, run a smear campaign against a war hero.
Real feather in my cap, Rex.
Thanks for the opportunity.
Room assignments? Is this your doing, Lex? Sergeant Agony made the list, but because I've been on both teams, he thinks I'll be a good liaison.
Uh, is that what they're calling traitors now? They're givin' our rooms away? No, no no, no.
You're sharing them.
Except for you, Cooch.
Agony wants you and Chet sleeping outside.
So in a very real way, your room was given away, yes.
- Goddammit! - Bathtub, colon, upstairs hallway.
We're a little tight on space.
So it's that or sleeping in one of the cells in the basement.
- No, don't make me go back! - Chill out, dude, relax.
Oh, relax, huh? Yeah, maybe I'll go upstairs and draw a hot bed.
Ughh, sorry dude.
Looks like they separated us.
I got Buster Nut.
Aw, oh, man, that's that's bullshit.
- I I got Ranger.
Oh Oh, well - Ha-ha! Psyche! I talked to Agony and got it all sorted out.
We're roomies, dude! Don't worry.
I won't check out your massive "D.
" - Much.
[laughs] - Oh.
Great.
[gasps] Who gave you permission to tinker with my wall hangings? Jenny McCarthy sure can eat a banana, can't she? Susan B.
Anthony sewed the American flag, and ate her bananas with a knife and fork, thank you! Yeah, but Jenny McCarthy isn't afraid to fart! What does that have to do with anything?! I don't know, but it sure gets talked about a lot.
Y-You know what? Let's go over some ground rules.
If there's a sock on the doorknob, it means I'm either piledrivin' ass or makin' nut butter.
Either way, keep walkin'.
Be a pal and throw this on the knob on your way out? So how come nobody wanted this room? Oh Oh! So this is Brad's old room.
[chuckles] Dead Brad.
Rabdo ain't afraid of no ghosts.
[laughs] [door squeaking] [groaning] O-o-okay.
Turns out I am very afraid of ghosts.
Hey, Lex? I'm gonna need a nightlight and maybe a little tuck-in.
Guess I thought we'd be at each other's throats a little more.
I could chase you around the yard if you want.
- Did I say that? Shut up! - Or, you know, we could just hang out and you know, talk about our feelings.
- What? - Nothing! Hmm.
Swine Kampf was repatriated to the United States under the name Jonathan Hogsly.
Last known place of employment, a non-management position at a Blockbuster Video.
Ouch.
Sometimes the American dream dies hard.
Wait a minute.
The Pig Man of Pasadena? Humina, humina, we got you now.
- [quietly] Just gonna sneak by - Oh, Groaner! In here! - Oh, God! - [chuckles] This will be crazy, right? The two greatest enemies sharing one room? Oh, I better tell Marjorie to buy some more lawn chairs, because there are gonna be fireworks! Look, I I don't know if this is a good idea.
Are you kidding? We're sworn enemies.
How can we ever feel safe if we're not totally aware of each other's bodies at all times? See, right there.
Don't love how your phrased that.
Oh, you can sleep under the sheets and I'll sleep on top.
I get nocturnal erections if I'm too constricted anyway.
- No! I'm not doing this.
It's weird.
- Wh Why? One reason, a big one, and you know what it is.
Because we made out with each other at the Halloween party? - Yes.
Absolutely! - That was an accident! Yeah, well, I accidentally know what your tongue tastes like.
- It's not okay.
- But you're my nemesis.
Look, we gave it a try, but you're smothering me.
Now I'm not going to insult you by saying, "It's not you, it's me.
" It's you, that's obvious.
But we need to see other nemeses.
Did I just get villain dumped? What'd you find out? I found Swine Kampf.
He's living in a duplex on the West Coast.
- Excellent! - There's more.
The frequency of unsolved murders near his home greatly increased with his arrival.
Unsolved murders, I love it! Uh for the purposes of the public good.
Y You know what? Don't bother.
I want you to get over there ASAP.
You take the Jump Jet and see what you can find out.
I'm on it.
I never thought I'd see the mansion turn into a flophouse for maniacs.
Yeah, but at least we're together, right? Oh, is that you're here? No, I just thought I'd lead with the sappy stuff.
Dad I want to introduce you to your new roommate.
Hello, Rex.
Where do I brush my teeth? I have a Waterpik, so I'll need an outlet, and I'll thank you to keep your hands off my Invisalign.
No! Absolutely not! That is an odd way to greet the man that saved your life.
If I know one thing, it's that you would never save my life.
[chuckles] Tell him, Lex.
You were there.
No! He's not clear yet! [music] Ah! Make way.
I'm a doctor.
Yes, he did, he saved you.
I was there.
Ugh we may be sharing a mansion, Devizo, but we are not on the same team.
And I am not sharing a room with you! Eh-ahh! Understood.
[groans] Such bullshit.
- Total bullshit! - Mmmm What the hell are you doing? - W-W-What are you doing? - Give me back my lipstick! - Wh-What? - That's not my lipstick! Oh, God.
Oh, shit.
[yawns] [knocking on door] I have to go to the bathroom.
I'm afraid I was just about to hop in the shower.
- I don't care, it's my bathroom! - I suppose we're at an impasse.
My God, will you hurry up? - It didn't have to be this way, Devizo.
- I'm ignoring you.
[gagging noises] How about a halftime flush? Christ! You got it.
[toilet flushing] Ahh! You son of a bitch! You brought this on yourself.
Two Eggos each.
That's a minimum and a maximum.
You've got five minutes until we hit the yard.
- Let's do it, whoo! - Ugh, I don't think I got - a wink of sleep last night.
- Neither did we.
- We're you tap dancing all night? - No, no, no.
Buster Nut was violating one of my tap shoes, which happens to have been a gift from Bob Hope.
I'm not going to lie.
Boundaries are an issue.
- Hey, buddy.
- Oh, it's you.
I'll go eat my breakfast over there.
Wouldn't wanna make you uncomfortable.
Look, I I I did a lot of thinking last night, and I Courtney's here! Party life! - Courtney? - Hide your kids.
Courtney/Black Saturn: Hide your wife.
Come here, you old son of a bitch, and link these rings.
- Yeah! - So, uh, what the hell are you doing back? - Portia kicked me to the curb.
- Say what, now? I guess some footage leaked of her beating up a gimp at Flesh Fest.
She lost her job and look, I gotta be honest, I pretty much stopped listening at that point.
I was gonna say, I almost fell asleep there.
- The point is, the Ringler is back! - Portia, single and in need.
As a direct result of my actions, yes, but still, think I'll pay her a visit.
- [blowing whistle] Uh Stop - Nice try, Ranger.
Breakfast is over.
Front lawn in five for orientation.
Let's move, people.
A lot to go over! [people murmuring] Look at you! Taking your new role seriously.
Why wouldn't I? I'm Titanium Lex now.
A full-fledged member of the League.
Lex, I detonated the anti-magno bomb while it was still in Rex's hands.
Only you knew that.
Why haven't you told him? I don't know.
If Blockbuster's records are correct and, they always are, - this is the place.
- Get the hell off my property.
You've got no right to be here! I don't mean to alarm you.
I'm looking for I'm not tellin' you nothin' - without a warrant.
- Okay, shit, I'm just Take it easy, Chester.
How can I help you, son? I'm looking for a pardoned Nazi pig-man war criminal.
Then you came to the right place.
Step inside.
I'm here on behalf of Titanium Rex.
Rex.
How is that old son of a bitch? You know, he got me a full pardon.
Any reason he would regret that decision? What? No.
Why do you ask? I did some rooting around and found a trough of information on the crime rate in this area.
Pig puns.
Haven't heard those in a while.
Do they make you angry? Enough to kill again? What? Kill again? I've only killed one man in my life, Adolf Hitler.
Of course, the official record gave the credit to American Ranger.
This little piggy had none credit for killing Hitler.
Pig in a blanket.
Show me the rage.
Let it out.
Oh, I don't have any rage.
I'm a model citizen.
As far as my neighbors know, I was scarred in a Bunsen burner explosion.
I'd like to see the size of that burner.
Porky.
Babe.
Pig in the city.
Bacon.
Pig, pig.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
I see what you're trying to do.
There's not a dangerous bone in my body.
So you won't mind if I take a look around.
Go on a little truffle hunt? Snort, snort? No, why would I? - You tell me.
- No.
- Why not? - Because there's nothing to tell.
We'll see about that, won't we? Hmm we'll take a peek over here.
You may all be asking yourselves why you've been called to the yard.
I think, if we're gonna be living together, we should get to know each other.
A way to prove we're not all, "sleeping with the enemy.
" [silence] Jokes not appreciated.
Message received.
We'll be playing two truths and a lie.
Say three things about yourself, and we have to guess which one isn't true.
I'll go.
My name's Buster Nut.
Three facts about me, I like to wine 'em, I like to dine 'em, and I love to 69 'em.
Okay, would anyone like to guess which one's a lie? - Buster Nut never pays for dinner.
- Okay, that's not how the game works.
My name is Courtney.
My favorite show is "Entourage.
" - Oh, yeah! - The movie was awesome! - Oh, hell, yeah! - But I just can't get into Johnny Drama.
- He never made me laugh.
- [laughing] Oh, yeah, all right! Don't kid a kidder! [laughs] My turn! I'm American Ranger, and I hate this! I hate this! And I'm having a great time! - Can anyone guess the lie? - Okay, off the rails, instantly.
You know what? Just, everyone name one thing you're good at.
My name is Cooch, and I hate leprechauns.
- That's not a skill.
- Maybe that one was the lie.
- We're not doing that anymore! - How do I know that's not your lie? - Okay, Robo-Dino, what do you got? - Oh, uh, geez.
Uh, well, I'm glad you asked, actually.
Uh, I am a classically trained pianist.
Really? There's a piano in the foyer.
Maybe you can play us a tune.
Oh! Oh, no, wait.
No No, that one was a lie! - No more lies! - Oh, understood.
I am, uh, I am a, uh a tap dancer.
Wish I brought my shoes, I'd give you a little show.
I've got some hoof clackers upstairs.
Won't be using them ever again.
Wait! Uh, no, I mean, oh no I'm a professional hula hooper! - Cool! I've got a - Oh, godammit! I have not talents, all right? You broke me down on a public stage, - are you happy, Lex? - Screw this.
Step to it, everyone.
You just bought yourself a human pyramid! [others groaning] [music] What do we have here? Little pig, little pig, let me oh, that's a corpse, better stop being cute.
Swine Kampf: How's it going out there? Everything's swine.
I I mean fine.
And what are you doing? Ahh! Oh, you know, just looking around.
Didn't see a thing.
- I made us some tea.
- Oh, how kind of you.
I'll take mine with a yah! Yah! [screams] It's over, Swine Kampf.
I saw the bodies.
I didn't do anything.
Tell that to the judge on your way to the slaughterhouse.
Every day trying to earn your trust.
[dramatic music] Every day trying to fit in.
But you will never accept me, will you, for who I am? - I'm not going to the slaughterhouse! - Aah! [screeching] Move, Groaner.
Are we feeling like a team yet? Others: Yes! This isn't really my skill set.
- What the hell, watch out! - All: Whoa! [alarm blaring] Trouble.
Swine Kampf? [laughs] I knew it! Rex, I've prepared a few words before we go into battle.
Once more into the breach, that kind of thing.
- May I? - No, you may not! I am the leader of the League, whether you like it or not! Let's go, League! Try to keep up.
[music] - [chuckles] So what's the plan, boss? - What? You know, do we wait until their backs are turned, - and then take 'em out? - Oh, still doing whip-its, are we, Johnny? There are cameras everywhere, you idiot! That is why Rabdo doesn't make the plans.
You do.
I've done nothing but come up with plans for the last two years! Can I have a goddamn weekend to recharge the batteries? All right.
Come on, move.
Let's go beat up the pig man.
This pig won't let you put him in a pen! Pigpen, that's a good one.
Oh, shit.
I'd tell you to make my day, Swine Kampf, but you already did.
You just proved the law that made you a hero was a mistake.
They'll have no choice but to scrub it from the books.
That is a childish concept of the legislative process, Rex.
We're working on it.
[screeching] We used to shoot pigs in basic training for target practice.
This won't be hard Aaah, it's hard! It's very hard! [all screaming] Power levels are off the charts.
Something really got him angry, and that thing will most likely remain a mystery.
I was very respectful when I talked to him, by the way.
- Oh, no! Rex! - Cooch! - I'll save you! - Watch out! [both shout] Rex: Son of a bitch! What do you give the super pig who has everything? - A ring? - Hey, guys! What we doing? Aah! [shouting] - Oww! - What is your problem, dude? [screeching] I bet you haven't seen a pig that angry since you served Gloria with divorce papers.
You son of a bitch! [choking noises] Move over, bacon.
Now there's something [shouts] - Sorry.
My fault.
Sorry.
- This is a disaster.
Just say the word, Rex, and I'll [whistle blowing] We are a team! Act like it! Ranger! Buster Nut! Work together! Wait, what are you [screaming] [grunts] [groaning] Not bad.
- Use your heads! - This is it! Cooch, honey, you're a cat.
Just jump.
Oh, yeah! Thanks! - Teamwork! - Pair up and take this pig down! - Okay, Saturn, let's show him what we - To me, my Ringler! - Ee-hah! - Oh, that's just that's great.
[grunting] [music] [screams] [screeching] [groans] [Titanium Rex grunts] I got you! Goddamnit, fine, let's do this.
[Blue Menace grunts] [music] [all grunting] [groaning] [grunting] Now, Rex! [shouts] This little piggie went wee, wee, wee, all the way oh, into someone else's home.
- Oops.
- O-M-God.
Oh, wow.
Hey, it looks like someone led us to the wrong guy.
And that person will most likely remain a mystery.
War Bond! Is Is that you? That's right! And it's all your fault! You forced me into the theater of war.
I tasted blood, and I liked it! Oh he's going full Scooby Doo, that makes it easy.
I moved next to Swine Kampf, knowing he'd be blamed if suspicions were raised.
Was that what you did? Turns out it's pretty easy to kill and get away with it.
Or at least that's what I thought until this very moment.
[rock music] I hope there are no hard feelings.
All's well that ends well.
Besides, you don't expect compassion from a heartless automaton with no human feelings or soul.
You know what? [bleep] you, pig.
- Oh, come here.
- Oh, come here.
We're both manmade monsters.
Soulless abominations.
- Who you callin', Ranger? - Calling Portia.
There's a woman in need of an American steed.
Nice! Although I would've gone with seed.
- Hello, Ranger.
- S Sergeant Agony? What are you doing over there? Everything, hopefully! Portia, pour me another glass, girl.
Son of a bitch! Hold my cup for me? Gotta go drain the vein train.
- Choo choo! - I'll do the same.
Oh, look at them, Rex.
They remind me of us.
Before you slept with my wife, and I tried to murder the world.
Why don't we join them for old times' sake? It does remind me of our old team, before we realized that you were a supervillain.
Excuse me if I don't wanna celebrate having my whole house full of them! [music] Aah! What do you - What do you want? - You know, for the longest time I thought I wanted Saturn out of my life.
But then you showed up, and it all became clear.
I am his nemesis, and you better stay the [bleep] out of my way! - Yeah, uh - Excuse me? Yeah, you two.
Could you keep it down? It's bad enough I have to sleep in the bathtub without listening to some sort of psychosexual showdown.
Go to bed!