SuperMansion (2015) s03e02 Episode Script
Masters of Lex
Help! Help! He's got my purse! Someone stop him! [laughing.]
Jesus! How much Purell does one woman need? It's a dirty city.
Especially with guys like you running around.
Titanium Rex! Oh, man! Remember what I said I'd do if I caught you stealing purses again? Nope.
Pretty severe drug problem, hence the purse stealing.
I said I'd beat your ass like a drum.
Aah! But I'm not going to.
You need help, Barry.
Barry Barry! That's my name! - Jesus, how many drugs do you do? - Huh, how many you got? [music.]
Ahh.
Come on, let's return this purse and get you down to the clinic.
I'm afraid it's not that easy.
- Max Penalizer.
- It's Peen-alizer.
Thanks.
I don't care how you say it.
Vigilante justice has no place in Storm City.
Every crime has a penalty, and I like mine stiff! - Hahh! Ooh! - Uh, Barry, wait! Huh! [slow motion.]
Ohhh, shiiiiit! Yaaaah! Damn it.
A little excessive for a junkie, don't you think? Max Penalizer lives by his own code.
The ends justify the peens.
Gucci! I'll probably get a fancy dinner outta the deal.
Don't worry.
I'll cover breakfast.
This was a mugging! Not a date! Not if she respects the Penal code.
- My purse! - Come on, babe.
I'll take you home.
[engine revving.]
If I didn't have to take Barry to the hospital, I'd You're too soft, Rex.
Storm City needs its justice served hard.
Whoooo! [tires screeching.]
Skid mark gavel! - Whoo! - That is not a gavel! [theme music.]
3x02 - Masters of Lex - I call bathroom next! - I was here first! Sorry, I ate some expired Muscle Ream protein powder, - and my butt's makin' reamed corn.
- Goddammit! Fresh towels, please take one, one towel.
Except for you, Blue Menace, you get three.
Why would I need three? Your tremendous girth caused by the fat deposits covering your body.
Thanks.
Trying to impress a special lady in the house.
Think I'm wearin' enough body spray? To disguise the fact that you're a dog-man? No.
Robobot, does this dress make my torso look short? No, your short torso makes your short torso look short.
- Towel? - I already showered.
To cover your short torso, I mean.
- I'm gonna change.
- Robobot, when a woman asks about her dress, you never answer honestly.
I'm programmed for honesty, Ranger.
I'm told it's the best policy.
Not always! Say I was to ask you if my chin fits my face.
- Absolutely not.
Get it fixed.
- Mmmmm! What I'm really looking for is reassurance from a friend.
So instead of the truth, I should tell you what you want to hear.
Interesting.
Mm-mmm, just look at her.
She's a buttery stack of pancakes, I'll give you that.
- Chet's gonna make a run at Cooch.
- You better make it good! Strike out, and me and Robo-Dino are movin' on dat! I'll grab the fidget spinners.
We'll make an unboxing video Ooh! Aah! Courtney, I told you what I would do to you if you didn't move out of Saturn's room! I'm tryin', but he doesn't wanna hear it! - We'll see about that.
- What are you guys talkin' about? Courtney has confided in me that he'd like to move out of the mansion.
[laughs.]
Sounds like you just got pranked by the Ringler.
- Good one, Courtney! Isn't he funny? - Yeah.
"Funny.
" Hey, Robobot, do you think my glutes have plateaued? Absolutely not.
Your glutes continue to impress, and I expect they will for many years to come.
Oh! [laughs.]
I appreciate your honesty.
- Wow.
- A sincere human connection.
And all because I told you what you wanted to hear instead of the truth.
Wha what? Your glutes plateaued three weeks ago.
They make implants.
Get it fixed.
Good advice.
Ah, heh [classical piano music playing.]
Titanium Rex: I didn't know you had any talents - besides squatting in my mansion.
- I thought your nightly patrols were supposed to put you in a good mood.
They usually do.
Except, when I run into asshats like Max Penalizer.
I know that brute.
He beat a good friend of mine half to death.
Count Crockula, you know him? Oh, yeah.
Poor bastard's never been the same.
I hate anti-heroes.
I mean, pick a side! I'd take a villain over a vigilante any day of the week.
I hear that, word.
Wait a minute.
I see what's goin' on here! - Two old friends having a chat.
- Former friends.
You think I'm just gonna forget everything you did? Dad? [music.]
How do I look? - Amazing.
- Spectacular.
What, uh, is the occasion? I have a date, and I like him, a lot! - A civilian? - No.
He's in the business.
- A hero, I hope.
- Even if he is a villain, as long as Lex is happy, that's all that matters.
He's a little bit of both, actually.
[engine revving.]
Lex! [horn honking.]
Lex! [tires screeching.]
Get your sweet little ass down here! You're dating Max Penalizer?! [kissing.]
Good night! Don't wait up.
Don't worry, Rex.
Just like the city, Lex is safe in my hands.
Grip the peen, babe.
Whoooo! [tires screeching.]
[whispers.]
Okay, bye! I'll call you tomorrow.
- Hello, Lex.
- [screams.]
You scared the crap outta me.
Well, how do you think I felt, watching you drive off on an all-terrain vehicle with a psychopath? Oh, you're so protective of me.
That's cute.
But let's shut it down.
[screams.]
I believe what Rex is trying to say is that we have some concerns about Max Penalizer's intentions.
Both of you? What is your problem? You're dating a vigilante! I don't know if you've ever met Count Crockula.
I know exactly what's going on here.
Neither of you were there for me when I needed you, and now you think I'm acting out, which I'm probably not doing.
I'm going to bed.
[door slamming.]
- I think it's clear what we have to do.
- Kill him.
Oh, Rex.
You're playing into her hands.
She wants to get a rise out of us.
The more you hate him, the more she'll love him.
So we just sit back and watch? No, we kill him.
With kindness! [laughs.]
[bang.]
Oww! Son of a bitch! Oh, I jammed it right on the couch! These lamps really don't give off enough light! I'm gonna lose a nail.
- Hello! - Aah! Damn, that's effective! Spending an awful lot of time with our sworn enemy, aren't we, Rex? I'm worried about Lex, and whether I like it or not, Dr.
Devizo knows her better than I do.
And I'm your best friend! I wanna help, too! This is a delicate situation, Ranger.
Don't get involved.
Right.
Wouldn't want to upset your new best friend.
Dr.
Devizo is not my friend.
Rex! Rex? Uh, my foot is looking nasty, buddy.
Will you help me up the stairs, please? I mmm better take that.
G7.
You sunk my battleship.
You're a goddamn savant! Yes, what an impressive specimen you are! - Oh, look, I'm all done.
- Done with what? Packing Courtney's things, oh he didn't tell you? - Courtney? - Oh, uh - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! - Uhh I don't think I should sleep here tonight.
I know what you're about to say, and I understand.
We talkin' about a backyard slumber party! Let's do it, you crazy son of a bitch! Groaner, get the [bleep.]
outta the way! I gotta pack, too! Look, the balls are just a mow job, but the shaft is a complete re-sod.
But we need it done by tomorrow.
What? You think my job is so easy, don't you? Walking some grass from your truck to our lawn? It's not rocket sci I mean, you're right.
You have a very difficult job.
Also, do you model? I like you.
I'll bring over a couple guys.
We'll have this dick sodded by this afternoon.
If you tell a human what they want to hear, they'll do whatever you want.
I'll have to wield this new power carefully.
Or, just barrel forward at full speed and see what happens.
Giddyup.
Okay, Chet.
Batter up.
Now don't swing for the fences.
Let's get you on first base and go from there.
Oh, what am I doing? I'm a goddamn dog-man, I can't do this! Whoa, whoa! Heel, heel! Now go get that! Oh, oh, oh.
Hi, Cooch.
Did did you see a treat come in here? - Yeah.
I ate it.
- Oh, I I guess I could tell all my friends I bought you dinner! [laughs.]
Ohhhhh! Look, I I was wondering if you would like to to go somewhere with me, sometime, and do something somewhere.
- Like a date? - Oh, a a a date, n uh, n no, I would never I mean, uh, we we we'd just go as, uh as fr r r as frien don't say it frien oh, God, I'm sayin' it friends! Friends? Cooool! I've got a blown bulb in that lamp over there.
Mind swappin' it out for me? - Sure sure, I'd I'd love to.
- Thank you, friend.
What's the word? You get a date? Of sorts.
You know, I'm gonna come over, do some chores around her room, you know, light housework, maybe help her build a chest of drawers.
You're already friend-zoned? How long were you in there? - That's gotta be a record! - That's it.
I'm tagging in.
Then you, too, shall fail.
I can't believe you idiots are puttin' the moves on a lady without consulting the master.
- There was a sock on your door.
- Always, always a sock.
Exactly.
Come! You have much to learn.
Remember the plan, Rex.
We could not be happier that Max Penalizer is taking Lex out tonight.
Okay, he's here.
Big smiles.
Lex! Get your sweet little ass down here! Hey! Aren't you that really old guy who hugs drug dealers? - Oh, he's funny.
Isn't he funny, Rex? - Yes.
You're "funny.
" - What are you guys doing? - We're just letting Max know how happy we are that he's taking you out.
Ecstatic, yes.
We think you make an excellent couple.
There is no longer anything controversial about your relationship.
Really? So you're cool if I stay out all night? - Uhh yeah.
- Sure.
And you won't mind if we got our names tattooed on each other's butt cheeks? - Oooh, that sounds neat.
- That would be totally acceptable.
Maybe we'll end up in Vegas and tie the knot.
- I see no problem there.
- Sounds good to me.
If you guys don't have anything to say, I'm leaving, right now.
Here we go.
Speak now, or forever hold your peace.
All right.
- And she called our bluff.
Frick! - We are following her, right? Uh, yes, we're following the shit out of her! It's time for a change of tactics.
Count Crockula? One cautionary tale of Max Penalizer's violent tendencies - coming up! - Wow! Max really jacked up your face.
He didn't touch my face, thanks.
Rex, show some respect, the man's a count.
Yes, you're absolutely underpaid, and I'd bet money it's because they're jealous of your looks and intelligence.
[crowd gasping.]
We done here? It's late, and to be honest, this was fun at first, but it's getting old.
[gasping.]
I I mean, you're all special, and your time is much more valuable than mine.
[applause.]
Here's the one we told you about.
When I die, is it just oblivion, or or is there something more? Uh I guess the second one, that makes you happy, right? [crowd gasping.]
Oh oh, you like that.
Yeah yeah, you you go to heaven, where you get a big hug from God.
[gasping.]
That's right.
God is real.
All gods.
Whatever you believe and kills the pain is objective truth.
[gasping.]
- Snakes! Snakes! - Sure, snakes as well.
All sorts of gods.
[gasping.]
Lord Robobot is wise.
Lord Robobo oh, God, what have I done? I love this place.
They named a drink after me.
Can I get two Uncut Nine-Inchers? - Extra dirty? - I I'm okay with just the water.
We'll see about that.
Dr.
Devizo: Please don't laugh at that.
Please don't laugh at that.
- Ohhh! She's laughing at that! - What does she see in that idiot? Uh, they say all girls end up dating their father.
I've never named a drink after my penis.
Why do you assume I was talking about you? - I'm her father, Devizo.
- And I raised her.
So we're both to blame for being out here in the dark.
Mostly you, for abandoning her.
But I suppose there are things I'd change as well, if I could go back.
Me, too.
I wasn't always a great friend to you.
Nor I, you.
- Rex on the Beach.
- What? You named a drink "Rex on the Beach.
" That's kind of a reference to your penis.
Hah! Forgot about that.
Hey, where'd my two Uncut Nine-Inchers go? Right here.
[laughs.]
I've been informed you had a telephone call.
It was your doctor.
Something about the syphilis! Spreading like wildfire.
- What? - Yes.
I'm afraid any petting, heavy or otherwise, is out of the question.
Doctor's words, not mine.
- Who are you? - A concerned waiter.
[Dr.
Devizo laughing.]
Wait, wait, no, no, let me finish.
And Silverwolf came up to me and said, [as Silverwolf.]
, "These anti-gravity boots Devizo made sure are heavy.
" Oh, yes, yes, and and it turned out he had them on the wrong feet! [both laughing.]
[stomach grumbling.]
Oh, I wish this truck came with some food.
- Who says it didn't? - Deandre! I wasn't gonna lend you the Arby's food truck without the meats! Come on! Who wants a smokehouse brisket sandwich? Could I eat, too? I don't want to do my cautionary tale - on an empty stomach.
- Does he need to be here? Rex, he's a count, and he can't work.
What do you want? We have many exciting positions at Arby's.
- Tell me more.
- Wait, what is happening? Give me the binocs.
Okay, Lex is fighting with the waiter.
She's pulling his mustache off.
Ugh, American Ranger.
Ugh, I told him to stay out of it! - Aaah! - He just took a Nine-Incher to the head.
- Aaah! - And another one! And he's he's pointing at oh my God start the truck! start the truck! - Start the truck! - Dad! [engine stalls.]
Both: Leeeex! This is so disrespectful! What did you hope to accomplish tonight? - Max is a scumbag, Lex! - But don't take our word for it.
Let me tell you a little story.
- Crocodile! - Ooooh! - Got him! - He's a goddamn count, you savage! I'm staying with Max tonight, and I don't care what any of you have to say.
Except for you, Deandre.
I very much respect your opinion.
Follow your heart! [tires screeching.]
[groaning.]
What are the chances he has insurance? Less than zero.
And now, wherever I turn, I see his skeleton face! And I know if I don't move outta your room, he's gonna kill me! - Wow.
I I just got shivers.
- So, you understand that I Just told the greatest scary story I ever heard? - That I need to move out.
- To Hollywood, to turn it into a screenplay? Look, w we'll talk tomorrow.
I gotta get some Z's.
If I even can after that weaponized bone-chiller you just dropped on me.
[knife scrapes.]
Ooooh! Ohh! Oh ooh, ooh, ooh! Robobot, when the lizard god Cowrock returns, may I be his lover? Oh, su sure, Sarah.
Ab absolutely.
Shit.
I didn't know Cowrock was coming.
I better hide my Pogs.
Can I talk to you, please? Cooch, there was no Cowrock until five minutes ago.
I think I've started a cult.
- Why'd you do somethin' like that? - I didn't do it on purpose.
Apparently, when you tell people exactly what they want to hear, things get weird.
Hey, Robobot, I've got some more suppositories.
When's that sacrament going? Not sure how we got to suppositories, but sure, Chuck.
Follow your bliss.
Help me.
I would, but I'd better hide my Pogs just to be safe.
See ya! Well, hello there.
- What are you doin' in my room? - Killing an hunting angels.
I got a call from heaven that you were not you were missing! Line, line! Buster Nut: [whispering.]
Tell her to cut the chit-chat, kitty-kat, and retire to your room.
Let's cut the chat-chat chit-chat, kat kitty-kat, and go to my room retire to my room.
Let's cut the chit-chat, kitty-kat, and retire to my room.
Don't you sleep in the bathtub? I more words! Mayday! Mayday! That's right.
I've been feeding Robo-Dino those chestnuts you just gobbled up.
What do you say we cut out the middle man [electricity crackles.]
Aah! Son of a bitch! What idiot put a 15-watt bulb in a 100-watt lamp? Oh, oh, that's my bad, I'll get it fixed for you right away, Cooch.
- Hey, hey is it my turn yet? - Okay! That's it! Everyone out.
Come on.
Don't wanna hear nothin' but "see ya's" from all of you.
All: See ya.
[slamming door.]
So Lex is spending the night with her boyfriend.
- And we only have ourselves to blame.
- And your terrible advice.
Rex! I've done some investigating.
- Haven't you caused enough trouble?! - I'm just getting warmed up.
After the stakeout went south, I did some old-fashioned sleuthing.
Oh, Christ, is this microfiche? That's right.
Give a man a fiche, he'll eat for a day.
- Teach a man to fiche - Will you just tell us what you found? Oh, no.
Storm City PD have visited Max Penalizer's condo on multiple domestic disturbance calls.
Lex could be bedding down with a maniac.
- Say the word, Rex.
- We're going in.
Lex: OM-God.
I mean, that is a lot of Criss Angel memorabilia.
- Is it ironic? - No.
I'm a Mindfreaker.
Hope that's not a problem.
Hey! Is there something behind your ear? - Please don't.
- That usually works.
You want another Mike's Hard? Chill out? Yeah, I probably shouldn't have another drink, 'cause it's getting so late - oh, where is my watch? - Impressed? Oh, dang it.
I just remembered I didn't bring an overnight bag.
Got you covered.
Here.
"The Penalty Box.
" Wow.
Yes, thank you, but I will stick with my own underwear.
- You mean these? - [laughs.]
Oh, can I use your bathroom? A little Smashmouth should seal the deal.
- Aah! What the hell? - Huh? Son of a bitch! Where is Lex? She doesn't wanna talk to you, old man.
The verdict is in.
And you're interrupting the penalty phase.
Aaah! [grunting.]
Time for a little mob justice.
Careful! That thing is powerful.
It also looks like a tallywhacker, Rex.
I'll be goddamned if I let it touch me.
[grunting.]
[lash whipping.]
[grunting.]
Rex! [explosion.]
A taste of my own peen.
How's that for a domestic disturbance? What are you talking about? Domestic disturbances.
We saw your file.
Apparently, you didn't read it.
I was dating the Dominatrix.
She tossed me around like a rag doll.
Was it a mistake that our safe word was "Dear God, call the cops"? Maybe.
Probably.
Yeah.
But I'm a gentle lover.
Yep, he's right.
Mentions "gentle lover" in the police report, which is weird.
Look, I'm sorry.
We overstepped our bounds.
I'll I'll tell Lex.
Lex? [street noise.]
Where is that son of a bitch? - Aaah! - I know what you've been doing.
You feel like a big man, going after another man's sidekick.
I've been sitting up here thinking about what I was gonna do to you.
Okay, okay, okay! You've you've got me.
I guess if I'm being honest with myself, I I just wanted Courtney out of the way, because because deep down, I want To be my nemesis?! I knew it! Psychologically torturing my sidekick to get to me? [laughs.]
Oh, you! [laughs.]
Yeah [sighs.]
[all chanting.]
Cowrock.
Cowrock.
Hey, I put out some Kool-Aid and cyanide if anyone wants some.
Okay, I never said anything about cyanide.
When the snake god Cowrock arrives, with his animalistic demigods, our bodies shall be their sacrament.
Right, Robolord? All right, that's enough.
Look, I know this is going to go over like a lead balloon, but I have to tell the truth.
Cowrock, the lizard god, is Sarah: Right there! The cycle is complete.
Shall we consummate our worship with our bodies? Uh, yeah, you do that stuff and never think of me again.
As I have said it, so it shall be, see ya.
- Cowrock.
Cowrock.
- Sarah: The great serpent shall undress now.
Uh, now, take it easy! Let's respect my boundaries.
Eh, let's not look some strange ass in the mouth.
Why are you painted like that? Because I took your advice and became a terrible liar.
This is my coat of shame.
Where have you been? Beating up Lex's boyfriend.
Quite enjoyable, really.
[Robo-Dino groaning.]
- What what was that? - I cannot tell a lie.
That's Robo-Dino coming like a freight train.
- What the? - I think you guys have been out a little late tonight.
What'd you get up to? Uh, you know, uh, took in a movie, got some Arby's.
I knew you couldn't just leave me alone! You both think I'm still a child, and I'm not! And I'm gonna prove it.
By admitting that this time, and only this time, you were right.
Max Penalizer was a tool.
Good night, Dads.
[kisses.]
- Titanium Rex: Count Crockula? - Turns out I have a concussion.
- Well, you can't sleep here.
- I'm not supposed to sleep at all.
Do you have any board games or some coffee? Rex, the man is a count.
Jesus! How much Purell does one woman need? It's a dirty city.
Especially with guys like you running around.
Titanium Rex! Oh, man! Remember what I said I'd do if I caught you stealing purses again? Nope.
Pretty severe drug problem, hence the purse stealing.
I said I'd beat your ass like a drum.
Aah! But I'm not going to.
You need help, Barry.
Barry Barry! That's my name! - Jesus, how many drugs do you do? - Huh, how many you got? [music.]
Ahh.
Come on, let's return this purse and get you down to the clinic.
I'm afraid it's not that easy.
- Max Penalizer.
- It's Peen-alizer.
Thanks.
I don't care how you say it.
Vigilante justice has no place in Storm City.
Every crime has a penalty, and I like mine stiff! - Hahh! Ooh! - Uh, Barry, wait! Huh! [slow motion.]
Ohhh, shiiiiit! Yaaaah! Damn it.
A little excessive for a junkie, don't you think? Max Penalizer lives by his own code.
The ends justify the peens.
Gucci! I'll probably get a fancy dinner outta the deal.
Don't worry.
I'll cover breakfast.
This was a mugging! Not a date! Not if she respects the Penal code.
- My purse! - Come on, babe.
I'll take you home.
[engine revving.]
If I didn't have to take Barry to the hospital, I'd You're too soft, Rex.
Storm City needs its justice served hard.
Whoooo! [tires screeching.]
Skid mark gavel! - Whoo! - That is not a gavel! [theme music.]
3x02 - Masters of Lex - I call bathroom next! - I was here first! Sorry, I ate some expired Muscle Ream protein powder, - and my butt's makin' reamed corn.
- Goddammit! Fresh towels, please take one, one towel.
Except for you, Blue Menace, you get three.
Why would I need three? Your tremendous girth caused by the fat deposits covering your body.
Thanks.
Trying to impress a special lady in the house.
Think I'm wearin' enough body spray? To disguise the fact that you're a dog-man? No.
Robobot, does this dress make my torso look short? No, your short torso makes your short torso look short.
- Towel? - I already showered.
To cover your short torso, I mean.
- I'm gonna change.
- Robobot, when a woman asks about her dress, you never answer honestly.
I'm programmed for honesty, Ranger.
I'm told it's the best policy.
Not always! Say I was to ask you if my chin fits my face.
- Absolutely not.
Get it fixed.
- Mmmmm! What I'm really looking for is reassurance from a friend.
So instead of the truth, I should tell you what you want to hear.
Interesting.
Mm-mmm, just look at her.
She's a buttery stack of pancakes, I'll give you that.
- Chet's gonna make a run at Cooch.
- You better make it good! Strike out, and me and Robo-Dino are movin' on dat! I'll grab the fidget spinners.
We'll make an unboxing video Ooh! Aah! Courtney, I told you what I would do to you if you didn't move out of Saturn's room! I'm tryin', but he doesn't wanna hear it! - We'll see about that.
- What are you guys talkin' about? Courtney has confided in me that he'd like to move out of the mansion.
[laughs.]
Sounds like you just got pranked by the Ringler.
- Good one, Courtney! Isn't he funny? - Yeah.
"Funny.
" Hey, Robobot, do you think my glutes have plateaued? Absolutely not.
Your glutes continue to impress, and I expect they will for many years to come.
Oh! [laughs.]
I appreciate your honesty.
- Wow.
- A sincere human connection.
And all because I told you what you wanted to hear instead of the truth.
Wha what? Your glutes plateaued three weeks ago.
They make implants.
Get it fixed.
Good advice.
Ah, heh [classical piano music playing.]
Titanium Rex: I didn't know you had any talents - besides squatting in my mansion.
- I thought your nightly patrols were supposed to put you in a good mood.
They usually do.
Except, when I run into asshats like Max Penalizer.
I know that brute.
He beat a good friend of mine half to death.
Count Crockula, you know him? Oh, yeah.
Poor bastard's never been the same.
I hate anti-heroes.
I mean, pick a side! I'd take a villain over a vigilante any day of the week.
I hear that, word.
Wait a minute.
I see what's goin' on here! - Two old friends having a chat.
- Former friends.
You think I'm just gonna forget everything you did? Dad? [music.]
How do I look? - Amazing.
- Spectacular.
What, uh, is the occasion? I have a date, and I like him, a lot! - A civilian? - No.
He's in the business.
- A hero, I hope.
- Even if he is a villain, as long as Lex is happy, that's all that matters.
He's a little bit of both, actually.
[engine revving.]
Lex! [horn honking.]
Lex! [tires screeching.]
Get your sweet little ass down here! You're dating Max Penalizer?! [kissing.]
Good night! Don't wait up.
Don't worry, Rex.
Just like the city, Lex is safe in my hands.
Grip the peen, babe.
Whoooo! [tires screeching.]
[whispers.]
Okay, bye! I'll call you tomorrow.
- Hello, Lex.
- [screams.]
You scared the crap outta me.
Well, how do you think I felt, watching you drive off on an all-terrain vehicle with a psychopath? Oh, you're so protective of me.
That's cute.
But let's shut it down.
[screams.]
I believe what Rex is trying to say is that we have some concerns about Max Penalizer's intentions.
Both of you? What is your problem? You're dating a vigilante! I don't know if you've ever met Count Crockula.
I know exactly what's going on here.
Neither of you were there for me when I needed you, and now you think I'm acting out, which I'm probably not doing.
I'm going to bed.
[door slamming.]
- I think it's clear what we have to do.
- Kill him.
Oh, Rex.
You're playing into her hands.
She wants to get a rise out of us.
The more you hate him, the more she'll love him.
So we just sit back and watch? No, we kill him.
With kindness! [laughs.]
[bang.]
Oww! Son of a bitch! Oh, I jammed it right on the couch! These lamps really don't give off enough light! I'm gonna lose a nail.
- Hello! - Aah! Damn, that's effective! Spending an awful lot of time with our sworn enemy, aren't we, Rex? I'm worried about Lex, and whether I like it or not, Dr.
Devizo knows her better than I do.
And I'm your best friend! I wanna help, too! This is a delicate situation, Ranger.
Don't get involved.
Right.
Wouldn't want to upset your new best friend.
Dr.
Devizo is not my friend.
Rex! Rex? Uh, my foot is looking nasty, buddy.
Will you help me up the stairs, please? I mmm better take that.
G7.
You sunk my battleship.
You're a goddamn savant! Yes, what an impressive specimen you are! - Oh, look, I'm all done.
- Done with what? Packing Courtney's things, oh he didn't tell you? - Courtney? - Oh, uh - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! - Uhh I don't think I should sleep here tonight.
I know what you're about to say, and I understand.
We talkin' about a backyard slumber party! Let's do it, you crazy son of a bitch! Groaner, get the [bleep.]
outta the way! I gotta pack, too! Look, the balls are just a mow job, but the shaft is a complete re-sod.
But we need it done by tomorrow.
What? You think my job is so easy, don't you? Walking some grass from your truck to our lawn? It's not rocket sci I mean, you're right.
You have a very difficult job.
Also, do you model? I like you.
I'll bring over a couple guys.
We'll have this dick sodded by this afternoon.
If you tell a human what they want to hear, they'll do whatever you want.
I'll have to wield this new power carefully.
Or, just barrel forward at full speed and see what happens.
Giddyup.
Okay, Chet.
Batter up.
Now don't swing for the fences.
Let's get you on first base and go from there.
Oh, what am I doing? I'm a goddamn dog-man, I can't do this! Whoa, whoa! Heel, heel! Now go get that! Oh, oh, oh.
Hi, Cooch.
Did did you see a treat come in here? - Yeah.
I ate it.
- Oh, I I guess I could tell all my friends I bought you dinner! [laughs.]
Ohhhhh! Look, I I was wondering if you would like to to go somewhere with me, sometime, and do something somewhere.
- Like a date? - Oh, a a a date, n uh, n no, I would never I mean, uh, we we we'd just go as, uh as fr r r as frien don't say it frien oh, God, I'm sayin' it friends! Friends? Cooool! I've got a blown bulb in that lamp over there.
Mind swappin' it out for me? - Sure sure, I'd I'd love to.
- Thank you, friend.
What's the word? You get a date? Of sorts.
You know, I'm gonna come over, do some chores around her room, you know, light housework, maybe help her build a chest of drawers.
You're already friend-zoned? How long were you in there? - That's gotta be a record! - That's it.
I'm tagging in.
Then you, too, shall fail.
I can't believe you idiots are puttin' the moves on a lady without consulting the master.
- There was a sock on your door.
- Always, always a sock.
Exactly.
Come! You have much to learn.
Remember the plan, Rex.
We could not be happier that Max Penalizer is taking Lex out tonight.
Okay, he's here.
Big smiles.
Lex! Get your sweet little ass down here! Hey! Aren't you that really old guy who hugs drug dealers? - Oh, he's funny.
Isn't he funny, Rex? - Yes.
You're "funny.
" - What are you guys doing? - We're just letting Max know how happy we are that he's taking you out.
Ecstatic, yes.
We think you make an excellent couple.
There is no longer anything controversial about your relationship.
Really? So you're cool if I stay out all night? - Uhh yeah.
- Sure.
And you won't mind if we got our names tattooed on each other's butt cheeks? - Oooh, that sounds neat.
- That would be totally acceptable.
Maybe we'll end up in Vegas and tie the knot.
- I see no problem there.
- Sounds good to me.
If you guys don't have anything to say, I'm leaving, right now.
Here we go.
Speak now, or forever hold your peace.
All right.
- And she called our bluff.
Frick! - We are following her, right? Uh, yes, we're following the shit out of her! It's time for a change of tactics.
Count Crockula? One cautionary tale of Max Penalizer's violent tendencies - coming up! - Wow! Max really jacked up your face.
He didn't touch my face, thanks.
Rex, show some respect, the man's a count.
Yes, you're absolutely underpaid, and I'd bet money it's because they're jealous of your looks and intelligence.
[crowd gasping.]
We done here? It's late, and to be honest, this was fun at first, but it's getting old.
[gasping.]
I I mean, you're all special, and your time is much more valuable than mine.
[applause.]
Here's the one we told you about.
When I die, is it just oblivion, or or is there something more? Uh I guess the second one, that makes you happy, right? [crowd gasping.]
Oh oh, you like that.
Yeah yeah, you you go to heaven, where you get a big hug from God.
[gasping.]
That's right.
God is real.
All gods.
Whatever you believe and kills the pain is objective truth.
[gasping.]
- Snakes! Snakes! - Sure, snakes as well.
All sorts of gods.
[gasping.]
Lord Robobot is wise.
Lord Robobo oh, God, what have I done? I love this place.
They named a drink after me.
Can I get two Uncut Nine-Inchers? - Extra dirty? - I I'm okay with just the water.
We'll see about that.
Dr.
Devizo: Please don't laugh at that.
Please don't laugh at that.
- Ohhh! She's laughing at that! - What does she see in that idiot? Uh, they say all girls end up dating their father.
I've never named a drink after my penis.
Why do you assume I was talking about you? - I'm her father, Devizo.
- And I raised her.
So we're both to blame for being out here in the dark.
Mostly you, for abandoning her.
But I suppose there are things I'd change as well, if I could go back.
Me, too.
I wasn't always a great friend to you.
Nor I, you.
- Rex on the Beach.
- What? You named a drink "Rex on the Beach.
" That's kind of a reference to your penis.
Hah! Forgot about that.
Hey, where'd my two Uncut Nine-Inchers go? Right here.
[laughs.]
I've been informed you had a telephone call.
It was your doctor.
Something about the syphilis! Spreading like wildfire.
- What? - Yes.
I'm afraid any petting, heavy or otherwise, is out of the question.
Doctor's words, not mine.
- Who are you? - A concerned waiter.
[Dr.
Devizo laughing.]
Wait, wait, no, no, let me finish.
And Silverwolf came up to me and said, [as Silverwolf.]
, "These anti-gravity boots Devizo made sure are heavy.
" Oh, yes, yes, and and it turned out he had them on the wrong feet! [both laughing.]
[stomach grumbling.]
Oh, I wish this truck came with some food.
- Who says it didn't? - Deandre! I wasn't gonna lend you the Arby's food truck without the meats! Come on! Who wants a smokehouse brisket sandwich? Could I eat, too? I don't want to do my cautionary tale - on an empty stomach.
- Does he need to be here? Rex, he's a count, and he can't work.
What do you want? We have many exciting positions at Arby's.
- Tell me more.
- Wait, what is happening? Give me the binocs.
Okay, Lex is fighting with the waiter.
She's pulling his mustache off.
Ugh, American Ranger.
Ugh, I told him to stay out of it! - Aaah! - He just took a Nine-Incher to the head.
- Aaah! - And another one! And he's he's pointing at oh my God start the truck! start the truck! - Start the truck! - Dad! [engine stalls.]
Both: Leeeex! This is so disrespectful! What did you hope to accomplish tonight? - Max is a scumbag, Lex! - But don't take our word for it.
Let me tell you a little story.
- Crocodile! - Ooooh! - Got him! - He's a goddamn count, you savage! I'm staying with Max tonight, and I don't care what any of you have to say.
Except for you, Deandre.
I very much respect your opinion.
Follow your heart! [tires screeching.]
[groaning.]
What are the chances he has insurance? Less than zero.
And now, wherever I turn, I see his skeleton face! And I know if I don't move outta your room, he's gonna kill me! - Wow.
I I just got shivers.
- So, you understand that I Just told the greatest scary story I ever heard? - That I need to move out.
- To Hollywood, to turn it into a screenplay? Look, w we'll talk tomorrow.
I gotta get some Z's.
If I even can after that weaponized bone-chiller you just dropped on me.
[knife scrapes.]
Ooooh! Ohh! Oh ooh, ooh, ooh! Robobot, when the lizard god Cowrock returns, may I be his lover? Oh, su sure, Sarah.
Ab absolutely.
Shit.
I didn't know Cowrock was coming.
I better hide my Pogs.
Can I talk to you, please? Cooch, there was no Cowrock until five minutes ago.
I think I've started a cult.
- Why'd you do somethin' like that? - I didn't do it on purpose.
Apparently, when you tell people exactly what they want to hear, things get weird.
Hey, Robobot, I've got some more suppositories.
When's that sacrament going? Not sure how we got to suppositories, but sure, Chuck.
Follow your bliss.
Help me.
I would, but I'd better hide my Pogs just to be safe.
See ya! Well, hello there.
- What are you doin' in my room? - Killing an hunting angels.
I got a call from heaven that you were not you were missing! Line, line! Buster Nut: [whispering.]
Tell her to cut the chit-chat, kitty-kat, and retire to your room.
Let's cut the chat-chat chit-chat, kat kitty-kat, and go to my room retire to my room.
Let's cut the chit-chat, kitty-kat, and retire to my room.
Don't you sleep in the bathtub? I more words! Mayday! Mayday! That's right.
I've been feeding Robo-Dino those chestnuts you just gobbled up.
What do you say we cut out the middle man [electricity crackles.]
Aah! Son of a bitch! What idiot put a 15-watt bulb in a 100-watt lamp? Oh, oh, that's my bad, I'll get it fixed for you right away, Cooch.
- Hey, hey is it my turn yet? - Okay! That's it! Everyone out.
Come on.
Don't wanna hear nothin' but "see ya's" from all of you.
All: See ya.
[slamming door.]
So Lex is spending the night with her boyfriend.
- And we only have ourselves to blame.
- And your terrible advice.
Rex! I've done some investigating.
- Haven't you caused enough trouble?! - I'm just getting warmed up.
After the stakeout went south, I did some old-fashioned sleuthing.
Oh, Christ, is this microfiche? That's right.
Give a man a fiche, he'll eat for a day.
- Teach a man to fiche - Will you just tell us what you found? Oh, no.
Storm City PD have visited Max Penalizer's condo on multiple domestic disturbance calls.
Lex could be bedding down with a maniac.
- Say the word, Rex.
- We're going in.
Lex: OM-God.
I mean, that is a lot of Criss Angel memorabilia.
- Is it ironic? - No.
I'm a Mindfreaker.
Hope that's not a problem.
Hey! Is there something behind your ear? - Please don't.
- That usually works.
You want another Mike's Hard? Chill out? Yeah, I probably shouldn't have another drink, 'cause it's getting so late - oh, where is my watch? - Impressed? Oh, dang it.
I just remembered I didn't bring an overnight bag.
Got you covered.
Here.
"The Penalty Box.
" Wow.
Yes, thank you, but I will stick with my own underwear.
- You mean these? - [laughs.]
Oh, can I use your bathroom? A little Smashmouth should seal the deal.
- Aah! What the hell? - Huh? Son of a bitch! Where is Lex? She doesn't wanna talk to you, old man.
The verdict is in.
And you're interrupting the penalty phase.
Aaah! [grunting.]
Time for a little mob justice.
Careful! That thing is powerful.
It also looks like a tallywhacker, Rex.
I'll be goddamned if I let it touch me.
[grunting.]
[lash whipping.]
[grunting.]
Rex! [explosion.]
A taste of my own peen.
How's that for a domestic disturbance? What are you talking about? Domestic disturbances.
We saw your file.
Apparently, you didn't read it.
I was dating the Dominatrix.
She tossed me around like a rag doll.
Was it a mistake that our safe word was "Dear God, call the cops"? Maybe.
Probably.
Yeah.
But I'm a gentle lover.
Yep, he's right.
Mentions "gentle lover" in the police report, which is weird.
Look, I'm sorry.
We overstepped our bounds.
I'll I'll tell Lex.
Lex? [street noise.]
Where is that son of a bitch? - Aaah! - I know what you've been doing.
You feel like a big man, going after another man's sidekick.
I've been sitting up here thinking about what I was gonna do to you.
Okay, okay, okay! You've you've got me.
I guess if I'm being honest with myself, I I just wanted Courtney out of the way, because because deep down, I want To be my nemesis?! I knew it! Psychologically torturing my sidekick to get to me? [laughs.]
Oh, you! [laughs.]
Yeah [sighs.]
[all chanting.]
Cowrock.
Cowrock.
Hey, I put out some Kool-Aid and cyanide if anyone wants some.
Okay, I never said anything about cyanide.
When the snake god Cowrock arrives, with his animalistic demigods, our bodies shall be their sacrament.
Right, Robolord? All right, that's enough.
Look, I know this is going to go over like a lead balloon, but I have to tell the truth.
Cowrock, the lizard god, is Sarah: Right there! The cycle is complete.
Shall we consummate our worship with our bodies? Uh, yeah, you do that stuff and never think of me again.
As I have said it, so it shall be, see ya.
- Cowrock.
Cowrock.
- Sarah: The great serpent shall undress now.
Uh, now, take it easy! Let's respect my boundaries.
Eh, let's not look some strange ass in the mouth.
Why are you painted like that? Because I took your advice and became a terrible liar.
This is my coat of shame.
Where have you been? Beating up Lex's boyfriend.
Quite enjoyable, really.
[Robo-Dino groaning.]
- What what was that? - I cannot tell a lie.
That's Robo-Dino coming like a freight train.
- What the? - I think you guys have been out a little late tonight.
What'd you get up to? Uh, you know, uh, took in a movie, got some Arby's.
I knew you couldn't just leave me alone! You both think I'm still a child, and I'm not! And I'm gonna prove it.
By admitting that this time, and only this time, you were right.
Max Penalizer was a tool.
Good night, Dads.
[kisses.]
- Titanium Rex: Count Crockula? - Turns out I have a concussion.
- Well, you can't sleep here.
- I'm not supposed to sleep at all.
Do you have any board games or some coffee? Rex, the man is a count.