SuperMansion (2015) s03e03 Episode Script

My Cousin Kitty

[birds chirping] [squawks] [Devizo grunts] [both grunt] [music] [Devizo laughs] [both grunting] Claudette: Here, kitty, kitty! Come get your quesadillas! [growls] [meows] [music continues] [shrieks] [laughs] You can't win, Rex.
With its polarities reversed, this Evo-Ray will devolve you into primordial [shrieks] Ow! [yelps] Ah! Ah! You son of a bitch! [shrieks] [screaming] Ah! [shrieks] It takes a small man to attack an innocent animal, Devizo.
Innocent? I think that thing scratched my cornea! Shit! - Don't worry, sweetie.
I've got you.
[purring] - Aha! [humming] Oh crap.
[shrieks] [shrieking] What happened? I Oh, son of a bitch! You smashed my mouse! [shrieks] - Holy shit! - Where am I? What am I? - You are a hero.
- What did you do to my Cooch? I didn't lay a finger on you! Cooch is the name of my cat.
She's not a cat anymore.
She's something else.
She'll come with me.
I'll help her navigate her new life - and her new name.
- What's wrong with "Cooch"? It's a vulgar nickname for the female anatomy.
- It's hilarious.
- No, it's not.
- If that's my name - We could always change it.
- Let's not, though.
- Agreed! Fine.
Morland: And that's how Titanium Rex came into possession of your cat? - That's right.
- Then we stand to make a giant dick-ton of cash! Sign here while I celebrate with this mint julep! [slurps] Ah! Hits the spot.
I'll see you in court, Titanium Rex.
[slurps] That's nice! [theme music plays] [both grunting] 3x03 - My Cousin Kitty [music] Tonight's top story: With the League of Freedom teaming up with their former foes, the few villains that remain in Storm City don't have a chance.
Case in point: The Abominable Snow Mime apprehended today by members of this newer, bigger League of Freedom.
We're just gonna, you know, take this one battle at a time.
Tonight, I'm gonna celebrate this "W" with my guys.
Homeys? - Ah! - What the hell? I'm cold-blooded.
Are you trying to kill me? - Kip: How do you feel, Cooch? - As a cat, I feel like maybe a nap, and then also that your microphone might be a snake.
Whoo-hoo! Time to cool off with a post-battle Shank Energy Drink! I see someone has an endorsement deal.
- Nope! Just a fan! - Oh.
Well, that's sad.
What a circus.
[clicks] Ow! You got my damn cuticle! Sorry, Cooch.
I can't concentrate while Dr.
Devizo trades in on the League's good name.
I thought you and Devizo had developed a nice "My Two Dads" sort of thing.
- A what? - Sorry.
I've been downloading mass quantities of television in an effort to better understand the human Yeah, yeah, fascinating.
The point is, I don't trust Devizo, and I never will.
[crickets chirping] [silverware clinking] Rex? You think after dinner, you could finish trimming my nails? - Maybe.
- They've gotten so long, - it's hard to eat.
- Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Can someone toss a few of those chicken strips in my mouth? I got you.
[sneezes loudly] Sorry.
I've got a cold.
Doesn't help it when your "friends" dump a bucket of ice water on your head.
You still want these? Yeah.
[chewing loudly] Could you possibly chew with your mouth closed? No.
No, I can't.
We done here? Anyone doing anything cool next week? - Oh, actually, I was - Yeah, whatever.
I'm going on the Hero Complex podcast.
You know, with the Oculist.
The failed superhero who interviews other superheroes he's had beef with, so he can ask if everything's good now? [glass clinks] Ladies, gentlemen, I'd like to propose a toast.
I never dreamed I'd have a second chance at being a hero, and now I am fighting side-by-side with the greatest hero of today well, not today, of course, because the Snow Mime was beneath you, but, hey, to you, Rex.
All: Hear, hear.
Dad, do you have anything you'd like to say? - Anything nice? - You took two rolls, Devizo.
That means someone isn't going to get one.
What are you talking about? I took who didn't get a roll? [doorbell chimes] I'll get it.
Maybe it's the roll fairy with an extra roll.
[sing-songy] Balloon-a-gram for Titanium I know a process server when I see one.
I've been divorced three times.
Here you go.
Do you mind throwing these balloons away? I'm in a Honda Fit, and I-I can't see - What is it, Rex? - I'm being sued for custody of Cooch.
Courtney! Stop whatever the [bleep] you're doing! The Oculist sent over a list of questions for his podcast.
He's gonna ask where my name came from.
- I don't think I've heard that story.
- That's my point! If the truth came out, it could destroy me.
- Hello - You've never told anyone? Only my diary, and I swore her to secrecy by hiding her where no one will find her, in my room at my family's mansion.
You've got to help me come up with a line of bullshit to feed the Oculist! You got it! It's story time, mother [bleep]! Are you Morland Stevens? I am, and I appear to have bruised my mint.
You care to tell me what's so important it was worth ruining an entire batch of julep? By what right are you suing for custody of my cat? I am merely representing the interests of my client.
[shouts] Claudette, would you come in here, darling? - Rex and Cooch: Claudette? - It's time to come home, Cooch.
With you, so I can sleep under a Suzuki Samurai and fight over scraps with a pack of janky-ass chows? - No thanks! I have a home! - With the man who stole you? I will not stand here and let you call Rex a thief.
[barks, growling] We got chows! Get this horrible Chinese dog off me! - Ah! - Let go of him, Dust Man! [dog growls] He must've been attracted to your musk.
[sniffs deeply] He better get in line.
Morland, that julep ready? I'm afraid the mint has been bruised and the julep is turned! I wouldn't feed this to my hogs, of which I have 12.
I feel like we've strayed from the subject at hand.
Then let's get back to the facts.
A pet is considered private property, and when Rex absconded with my client's cat, he did her great emotional and financial harm.
Claudette has a very strong case.
Of what, wandering foot? Hey, been hey.
Robobot: No one say another word.
[action music] I'll be handling the case from here.
Robobot, what the hell are you doing? It's not what I'm doing.
It's what I did.
I e-downloaded the entire television catalog of David E.
Kelley and got my law degree online.
This is your lawyer? You're keeping up.
Good job.
- Robobot, make this go away.
- Sure.
Which package do you want? The "Boston Legal," "Ally McBeal," or "L.
Law"? Uh, the cheapest one you've got.
"Harry's Law" it is.
Who went 10 rounds with that mint? Well, you look chipper.
Penny for your thoughts? Ah, you're going to make a hell of a return on that investment! You see, Saturn and I recently decided to give the whole hero-nemesis thing another try.
You could say we " renewed our vows.
" You could.
Not sure why you'd want to.
I'm going to uncover his true origin and reveal it to the world.
You could say it's a real nemesis wet dream.
Or you could just find a different way to say things.
- In any case, it's time to get to work.
- Then let's clock in.
Oh, you're coming with? I-I just feel like we haven't really hung out.
Yeah, totally.
- So should we go? - Okay! Just let me pop some cold medicine.
[crunches] Aren't those the kind you can only buy with an ID? Yeah.
That's right.
What's keeping Robobot? I want to get this lawsuit behind me, so we can focus on getting Devizo out of my mansion! Look.
I know this living situation is still a little uncomfortable Zipping up and peeing a little more is uncomfortable.
This is a nightmare.
Okay, yeah.
That does sound like a nightmare.
What if Devizo really has changed - and all this complaining is for nothing? - People don't change, Lex.
- But you believe that I've changed, right? - Lex They're so shiny! I couldn't trim them without giving them a bath! You trimmed Cooch's nails? [shouts] Who told you you could do that?! What did you expect me to do? I've been asking you to do my claws for weeks! I am in the middle of a lawsuit! I'm sorry cat chores aren't my number-one priority.
[whimpers] - Lex: Oh, Cooch.
Cooch, come back.
- Rex.
- I don't want to hear it! - I know you don't, even though I could help you out of this predicament.
I don't want your help! If you won't let me help, maybe I should go.
- Where do I sign? - Funny you should ask that.
A franchise agreement? You want your own League of Freedom? I'd like you to entertain the idea that protecting Storm City is more than a one-team job.
The League of Freedom is my legacy, and it's staying here in this mansion.
Then so, too, shall I stay in the mansion.
Well, that's finished.
Turned out Claudette wanted - a very reasonable settlement.
- Oh, thank God.
- And I told her she could shove it.
- What? Why? Because I watched over 500 hours of courtroom drama where the case always goes to trial, and the good guys always win.
Buckle up.
You just got front-row seats to the trial of the century! These aren't case files.
They're "Boston Legal" scripts.
Your Honor, Cooch is a cat.
Under state law, a cat is property.
Claudette simply wants that property back, plus lawyer's fees, damages, emotional suffering to the tune of $1 million.
[chuckles] Now, I could try to wow Your Honor with verbal gymnastics, but that's now how we do things down here.
Well-said, Mr.
And may I say, this mint julep is divine.
Looks like Morland has home-field advantage.
- Hi.
- [whispers] Christ! She saw me.
You want to oink-oink? - Oh, God.
- A little of this? [mimics gagging] - Okay.
That's enough.
- If you don't, I will.
Where's Robobot? [action music] Ladies and gentlemen [music plays in background] Sorry.
Thought I'd turned it off, and I just started it over.
Ladies and [dramatic music] Oh, sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury This is not a jury trial.
Well, that seems much less dramatic.
I mean, where's my eyeline? - I don't care.
- Then objection.
The idiot's objection is overruled.
I'm beginning to think this David E.
Kelley is full of shit.
- Robo-Dino: So, this is Saturn's old home.
- Yep.
Found the address on an invoice for a case of Shank Energy Drink.
Good enough for me! It's go time! Hey, hey! What's gotten into you? Well, I'm all hopped up on cold medicine! Jancy: What do we have here? - You must be the Groaner.
- Yes.
Yes, I am.
Always nice to meet a fan.
What would that make me a fan of, the death of comedy? [sarcastic chuckle] Very cruel way to say that.
- Is this Saturn's mom? - Please don't remind me that my son's a grown man who wears a Halloween costume and obsesses over an unfunny skeleton clown.
- Not a fan.
Got it.
- What do you want? Oh, uh, Saturn's, uh, asked us to swing by and pick up his, uh, foot mittens uh, socks! Shit! I'm hungover and bored.
Lock up when you're done.
I'm off to a champagne brunch.
- She's seen too much! [grunting] - Will you stop that? - How much of that cold medicine did you have? - All of it! "In the muck, I bled, feet trampling me.
I reached out to Nick Lachey, and even he turned his back.
As I felt my ribs break, I knew that I was no longer a civilian.
I was Black Saturn, and I was never going to a 98 Degrees concert again.
" No! No way! What happens if I ever meet Lachey? If you're gonna be constantly worrying about offending Nick Lachey, you're putting me in a tight box! [crying] This interview is going to be a complete disaster! No, it's not, because I'm not leaving until we have this cracked! I'm the Simpson to your Lachey.
Give it a goddamn rest with the Lachey! and when you saw that Cooch had been hyper-evolved, you offered her shelter in that great, big mansion of yours, didn't you? - Yes, that's right.
- And why was that? She demonstrated the qualities of a superhero, - and that's the business I'm in.
- So you saw a fine filly, and you had to have her for your stable? It wasn't like that.
She was a special cat I mean, person, and she had needs that only I could provide - training, costuming.
- A torn shirt and some jorts? - She went her own way.
- When you left with Cooch, did you ask Claudette for permission? No, no.
I-I didn't ask.
[audience murmurs] No further questions.
Hey, Rex.
How you feeling, buddy? - Great.
- Great to hear.
Well, that's about all I got.
- What are you doing? - Come on, guys.
We all know these things hinge on the final surprise witness.
We're all just marking time here oh! [music plays] Sorry, must've hit the button.
No further questions.
Oh, man.
So, this is Black Saturn's room.
Now, if I was a diary, where would I [clattering] [slashing] Holy shit! - Die, die, die, die, die, die! - Hey! - Stabby, stabby, stabby, stabby! - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Okay, okay, okay, okay.
What are you doing? Whatever the pseudoephedrine tells me to! [inhales deeply] I feel great.
Help me put this back! Wait a minute.
What what what's this? [dramatic music] - Robo-Dino, I could kiss you! - Uh, yeah! Let's do it! - I'm up for anything right now! - Nope.
That's it.
Get in the car.
Leave your knife.
No you've lost knife privileges.
[sobbing] I miss her so terribly! I just want to bring her home! Your Honor, my client is obviously distressed.
I hope her emotional state speaks to the court as much as it has spoken to my heart.
[audience sighs] I do believe there's something in my eye.
- Oh, God.
- The judge just gave Claudette a hug! - Is that bad? - [whistles, whispers] Rex.
I'll be right behind you when you realize you need me.
Ha! You think you're the only with schemes, Devizo? You ready? Claudette, how did you come into possession of Cooch? I caught her stealing my quesadilla one day, and I thought it was funny, so I kept feeding her said quesadillas.
Probably fed her over 100 quesadillas, and if that don't make her mine, I don't know what does.
Okay, dude.
Showtime! [mutters] Okay.
All righty.
Phew! [clatters] I [gulps] dropped my pencil.
I'll just bend over and [voice breaks] and pick it up.
[sultry music plays] And when Cooch was taken, - did you alert the authorities? - Well, I-I Excuse me? Is everything okay? [Ranger sobs] [music continues] Oh, it's more than okay.
[crying] Oh, no, no, no.
Then answer the question.
Did you call the police? - No.
No, I did not.
- You didn't miss Cooch at all, and you've come out of the woodwork for the money.
Isn't that right? Yes.
Yes, that's right.
Whatever you say.
[audience gasps] [gavel bangs] Could you move a little? - Objection, Your Honor! - Overruled! No further questions, Your Honor.
Play my song.
[music plays] Wait.
What happened? Do I get my money? - Yeah! - We got her! Oh, come on! Are we gonna read it or not? Okay, okay, okay.
Let's see here.
Saturn's voice: "Dear Diary, it's the first day of school, and sure enough, every trust-fund kid I know showed up in an imported sports car.
But since my parents hate me, I had to detail cars all summer just to afford a shitty black Saturn coupe.
The good news is, if it gets hit with a shopping cart, it will be fine.
The bad news is I will never, ever get laid! [sobs] I must face the symbol of my pain.
I must become Black Saturn.
" That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.
Oh, man.
When this ge gets out, he's gonna be destroyed! [laughs] Oh! Yeah! [laughs, groans] You've got him right where we want him.
She admitted this was just a cash grab.
We can't lose! Wait, where'd Devizo go? I don't trust him.
[whispering] What the hell? [whispering continues] That is one kind of an idea.
Thank you for your help.
Oh, Devizo.
Your Honor, I call Cooch to the stand.
What you talking about? I'd like to remind the court that this entire case hinges on whether Cooch is a cat or a person.
- I'm a cat.
- Wait for the question, dear.
I'm not a deer.
I'm a cat! There you have it, Your Honor, straight from the horse's mouth.
I'm not a horse! I'm a cat! - Objection! The witness is leading the attorney! - That is not a thing.
Cooch, just to make it clear to everyone and for the record, are you a person or are you a cat? [suspenseful music] Uh, I'm a cat? [audience gasps, murmurs] No further questions.
- Looks like you guys are gonna lose.
- Maybe, maybe not.
Hey, want to do non-courtroom stuff? Remember me, but not for this.
[sobbing] - Son of a bitch! - Ah! What did you say to Morland? Did you tell him to call Cooch to the stand? Of course I did.
I felt the need to prove to you that you can't always do everything yourself.
- What? - It's not that hard to figure out.
In fact, I calculate that your robot will put it all together in three, two, one.
[dramatic music] [music stops] Wow.
I thought it was obvious.
Um [clears throat] Your Honor, I'm afraid we have a mistrial! - Oh, really? - This case is being tried under property law based on the supposition that Cooch is a cat, therefore a pet, therefore property.
Is that right? - It is.
- Yet we all witnessed Mr.
Stevens call Cooch to give testimony, testimony that you allowed into the record.
A cat cannot give legal testimony, Your Honor.
Property cannot take the stand, can it? When you allowed Cooch to be called as witness, you acknowledged her personhood in the eyes of the law! By the court's own logic, you have no choice but to dismiss this case! [audience gasps, cheers] [Devizo laughs] [gavel bangs] David E.
Kelley is about to pop a boner in his grave.
- I think he's still alive.
- Let me have my moment, please! Morland, I think this is where you're overcome with rage and take a swing at me.
Robobot, you're not in a television show! Oh, wait.
Here it comes.
[shouts, grunts] [audience gasps, cheers] - Hoo.
Uh, what did I miss? - Robobot just won the case! You don't have to go ham on Claudette! Oh, you told me just in time.
[sobs] And with my ninja master's last dying breath, he said to me, "You were the chosen one.
Carry the Saturn name into the blackness.
Become Black Saturn.
" Wow.
I I hope everyone listening right now is just, like, taking this in, because this guy, he's dark.
- He did it! - I wouldn't make reservations at Red Lobster just yet.
- Oculist: You, Groaner, you guys still have beef? - Oh, yeah, big-time.
It's funny because the Ringler really wants his own nemesis.
Sidekicks always want their own thing.
But I tell him he doesn't need one.
The Groaner is iconic, a once-in-a-lifetime villain.
You got enough beef for the both of you.
That's right! Why would you need anyone else? [music] [sighs] He's wrong, you know? - What do you mean? - I don't think I have what it takes to be Saturn's nemesis.
Before we leave, I just have to ask you.
We good? I can't believe I almost lost you.
- I'm sorry I took you for granted.
- We can call it even, but only if I get to do whatever I want at all times! - That's just what you do now.
- Hey, I guess it is.
See ya! Dad.
[mumbles] [sighs] Devizo, this is hard for me to say, but, uh [clears throat] thank you.
Don't mention it, Rex.
Good night.
Wait, wait.
Y-You really proved me wrong back there.
If you want your own League of Freedom, it's yours.
It's the least I can do for someone who kept my team together - and saved my life.
- Well, thank you, Rex.
See? That wasn't so bad.
Good job, Dad.
And now, that which you love the most in the world [dramatic music] is mine.