SuperMansion (2015) s03e04 Episode Script

ILIGA Their Own

1 [alarm blaring] Rat-A-Pult: This way, Quiplash.
But how are we going to get over the fence? Why do you think we stopped for our costumes? It wasn't so you could quip your way out.
Oh Yeah? Was it so you could - catapult me over the fence? - Yes, yes, that's exactly why.
- I know, that was a quip.
- Mm, no, dude.
It wasn't.
- Get in! - One small catapult for Rat, one giant - Terrible! - Whoo-hoo! Quiplash? Quiplash? - Looking for someone? - Dr.
Devizo! You're breaking me out? I knew the Injustice Club would come crawling back! We are not the Injustice Club anymore.
You've just been captured by the League of Freedom, West Side.
- This isn't a jail break? - No, it is not.
- Ohh - Ugh! - Thanks, Dr.
Devizo! - Don't mention it! Oh, the news media! Who could have possibly called you? Reporter: Dr.
Devizo has his own League of Freedom, and they're bringing swagger back to the superhero game.
Titanium Rex has expanded the League of Freedom.
He's about to get a lesson in unintended consequences from a mysterious figure from his Whoopsie.
Sorry, Mr.
Whiff.
Didn't know you were in here.
Oh, son of a bitch! Get out! - You want me to leave the light on? - No! Uggh! Mother bitch.
He freakin' ruined it.
[theme music playing] Ahhh, you smell that, Ranger? Working men sweat! Don't embarrass them! I'm talking about the smell of freedom.
With Devizo and his Injustice Club out of the mansion, we can finally get some peace W wai! Where are you takin' the piano? Is that my bed? Rex! I think we're being robbed! I'll get to the bottom of this.
Damn, girl.
How much did you drink last night? [phone rings] Hello? Rex? Well, who did you think was gonna pay to furnish the League of Freedom, West's hideout? We sold the contract to the lowest bidder.
- He should be there already.
- I don't see anyone.
- Maybe he's just waiting for his cue.
- Ivan Whiff.
That's right.
I won the contract to refurnish the mansion.
We'll be working with each other very, very closely.
It's kinda quiet with half the mansion gone, huh, Cooch? Yeah, but it's kinda nice to get a break from all them dudes hittin' on me.
Who was it that Someone hit on you? Chet, Buster Nut, Rabdo, Robo-Dino.
They wouldn't leave me alone.
Made me wish I was you, so I could get some rest.
Oh, ha ha ha ha.
Well, it's pretty awkward for me, too.
Living with an ex who's still hung up on me.
You know, Black Saturn.
- Oh! [laughs] Oh, hey, Saturn.
- Baaaaah! - You okay? - Sure! The Groaner's on another team now, and Agony said Courtney couldn't live here since he's not part of the League.
Who's got a hole in their soul they have to fill? Not me! [chomp] Cooch, if you keep getting this much fan mail, we'll have to get you a P.
O.
Box.
- Did I get any letters? - Absolutely not.
All right, team! Let's move out! - Ivan Whiff! What the? - Hey hey hey, it's okay, everyone.
I'm surprised you have the nerve to show your face around here after you tried to lure me onto your team.
I'm only here to help you refurnish the mansion.
Do you have some sorta catalog for us to look through? Why flip through a catalog when you can walk through it? We're furnishing the mansion at Iliga? Iliga isn't just your first stop for inexpensive build-it-yourself European design.
It's also owned and operated by Whiff, Inc.
O-M-God.
I love this place.
If I had joined your team, would I have gotten a discount? - A sizable one, yes.
- Oh, shit! Follow me, please.
Aren't you beautiful? Who would've thought an underground vault would be the best place to see a Blood Moon? It's not the only blood you'll see tonight.
- Hey! Whoa! Whoa! - Groaner? Robo-Dino? - And I'm - Don't care.
- Okay.
- The red emerald necklace is mine.
- I got here first.
- Oh, it's not like that.
- We're heroes now.
- We're the new League of Freedom.
West Side! Heh.
Ah-ha [laughs] I told you these costumes look stupid! They're not costumes, they're uniforms! Wait, you're not joking.
What happened to you guys?! Groaner, I can't believe I looked up to you! And I had a crush on you, Robo-Dino.
- What about me? - No opinion.
- Gotcha.
- Have you lost all respect for yourselves? This is what we do now.
We don't have to defend ourselves to you or anybody! We're takin' you in.
[laughing] Sure! Do what you have to do.
You have handcuffs! [laughs] It's ridiculous! Cleaning up the town, it sure feels great, eh, boys? Yeah, uh you know, I'm pretty sure plenty of female heroes will have crushes on me, too, so - You're going to jail, Blood Moon.
- That sounded real natural - coming out of your mouth.
- Shut up! [laughing] So, as you can see, we have everything from insanely inexpensive bookshelves to bizarrely overpriced sofas.
If anyone's lookin' for me, I'll be in the cafeteria filling the hole in my soul.
Ooh, ooh, try the meatballs! They're amazing.
Wait! Meatballs? Neutral colors? A dining table called a "furgrik?" Whiff! It appears your store's been infiltrated by the Swedes! Very astute.
My father took pride in sharing our Swedish heritage.
But enough of that chit-chat.
If you're looking for a chest of drawers, we have a beauti Ow! Don't worry, let me just slide it Why is this not Somebody help me! - I don't like this one bit, Rex.
- Me neither.
This thing is held together with, like, three Allen nuts.
No! The Swedes stayed neutral in World War II! If my close personal friends, Dicky Sears and Al Roebuck saw me in here, - they'd crap in their hats! - Maybe you're right.
Not because of any paranoid things you just said, but this is Ivan Whiff we're talkin' about.
[grunting] Aahhhh, there we go! Just like that.
See? So simple Son of a bitch! - All this is for sale? - Yeah.
Isn't it great? - Can I help you, beautiful? - Oh, hi.
Shhhh! I was talking to the cat lady.
- So I guess I'll just sit here quietly? - Yeah, whatever, who cares? - See something you like? - All of it! - It can all be yours for under $300.
- Well, shit! Pack it up! [phone rings] Getting a code 43.
We've got a kid trapped in the floffenfahger.
Sorry.
I already bought this room.
Guess I live here now.
Would you like to try our meatballs? They're our specialty.
People usually wanna know why a furniture store has a specialty, and why that specialty is meatballs, but I'm not people! Load me up.
[loud eating] What are you looking at? Hey, lady! What's wrong with your kid? Oh! He was trapped in a flargenfarger if you must know! Yeah, that's right, leave! Just like everyone else! Sir, you're bothering our customers.
- Oh, no.
No no no no - Bugula? - Stay away from me! - It's so good to see you! I can't believe this place hires supervillains.
- Former supervillains, you asshole.
- [laughs] It's been too long.
Since you assaulted me in a grocery store? Which violated my parole, which got me thrown in jail and my kid taken away from me when I had done nothing wrong? Oh, my God.
You must absolutely hate me.
This is perfect! - What? - The Groaner's gone straight, dude.
I I've got an opening for the position of my nemesis.
What say you cannonball back into your life of crime, and we give it a whirl? No! Do you know how long it took me to get this job? I'm not a criminal.
Stay away from me! A ha ha, playin' hard to get! I love it! I'm not done with those! Whoo! We're all gonna sleep well tonight, aren't we, fellas? Yeah, remember when we used to do whatever we wanted, and didn't arrest women who had secret crushes on us, like Blood Moon? - That sucked, right? - Yeah.
Oh! To Totally.
Stopped a robbery today.
Two duffel bags full of untraceable gold bullion just sitting there.
Witnesses already tied up.
And I'm proud to say, I gave them back.
And that was its own reward.
And when I arrested the woman who probably wanted to sleep with me, that was also its own reward.
Right, right.
Oh, yes, much much more rewarding than doing crime.
New to the game here, but does anyone ever think maybe being a villain was a little more fun? - Absolutely not! - No! Come on! No! The hjalte comes in red, black, or natural.
I don't know which one to recommend because I love them all! A Swede that can't choose a side.
Well, color me not surprised! - Can I help you? - Yes, you can.
I'd like to know how much that fence costs.
- What fence? - The one Sweden sat on during World War II! Oh, look.
The perfect Swedish toy, spineless, faceless, no discernible balls.
What side are you on, little doll? [babbling] You can't decide? - Aaah! - Do I need to call the manager? Please do! I could keep going all day! Actually, give me five minutes.
That doll bit was the last bullet I had in the old six-shooter.
$24? Whiff, with as much disdain as I have for everything you stand for, I have to respect these prices.
- How do you do it? - That's my little se Ugh! Son of a bitch! - Particle board.
- No! Spanskiva! Which is Swedish for particle board, I guess.
You know what? I'll take it.
Do I throw it in a cart or? No.
It's a much more streamlined shopping experience.
All you have to do is mark the bin, shelf, and elevation of the product, and take it to the warehouse.
Can't I just tell the warehouse person what I want? There is no warehouse person.
You simply grab a flatbed, muscle your way to the bin you marked, pray the item you selected is within reach, and What happened to seeing a product, picking it up, and taking it to the register? You know, how the exchange of money for goods has worked for a thousand years? Goddammit! Ilega furniture isn't designed to be moved once it's built.
Well, I'm not buying a coffee table with a Scantron.
Allow me, Rex.
The Gamal coffee table is aisle code 32, product 30928, shelf 936.
The Miste media console is aisle code 91, product 93872, shelf 182.
I think a 30928 will complement the 93872 perfectly.
Ahh! No one has ever figured out the system that fast.
American Ranger: Give me that now! Don't come any closer! [groans] No! I think Ranger's about to burn a Swedish flag.
[indistinct shouting] Ranger? Let's give it a rest, buddy.
You don't even know how special you are, do you? Were you talking to me? Ivan Whiff, you are twice my age.
What?! That's not what I meant.
Gross! Follow me, Robobot.
I'd like your help with something.
- What's up? - Hi, what's up to you - Oh, ho, I'm going to be sick! - What the hell is going on? Hi, there, neighbor.
I'm Cooch.
Just moved in.
Fine.
Don't say hi.
Hey, there! Haven't seen you around.
- That's disgusting.
- You're a guest in my room.
Okay, it's time for you to go.
I know, but I think all these people are givin' me stagefright! We have a code two.
Yah, another one.
Aah! Did everyone see that? He attacked me! - Guess we're doin' this! - What is your problem? Come on! Right here! Our hero-nemesis comin' out party! Even if I still wanted to be a villain, why in God's name would I choose you as my adversary? - Well, what's wrong with me? - You're a joke, dude! Nobody wants to be your nemesis.
The Groaner took one for the team so hard, we call him Bruce Willis in "Armageddon.
" - Got ya.
- You are an entitled, selfish, laughably unaware pile of shit.
- The biggest.
- I said I got ya.
And that voice, [bleep] me in the proboscis.
Drink a glass of water.
Clear your throat, somethin'! That all may be true, but something else is just as true.
I'm just a man dressed like a planet, [music] standing in front of a bug, - asking him to be my nemesis.
- No.
Such a hard no.
Do not stand there with your mouth open, because the no's might fly out of my mouth into yours.
You might swallow a no! That's how much no! [scraping] For the last goddamn time, I am not finished with those meatballs! Okay, slot A, slot B.
Pegs go in here.
Grab the weird Allen wrench thing.
Look for the tiny holes, a little rachety-ratch.
One, two and done.
Forty-eight seconds? Robobot, my boy! No one has built a Haadvark bookshelf in under nine minutes.
I could've gone faster if it wasn't made out of particle board.
Let's save the notes, please.
The fact is, you've been deemed worthy.
- Worthy? - Let me explain.
[music] What's going on? Come along, with my song, and you'll see [crash] Ow! Shit! Mmm! Right at the Sorry.
Let me start again.
Come along, with my song, and you'll see Ugh! Mother [bleep]! Could have really hurt myself there.
Yeah, maybe just say words to make your point.
No! I worked a long time on this.
It's actually a really efficient way to get the information out.
Come alo Ohh, no! [bleep] you! [bleep] you! - You [bleep]! - Okay, let's move on.
You gave it your best Wonka, and you came up short.
Okay, fine! Isn't it obvious? The serpentine layout? The ridiculously complex inventory system? The workers who can't actually sell you anything? This whole store is a test! I'm searching for recruits whose minds operate on a higher level.
You are the best I've ever seen, Robobot.
It's time for you to make a choice.
[music] I will not leave! Not until you open your books, and prove you're not laundering capital for Nazi profiteers! And while we're asking questions, I'd like to know why all of your employees seem to find me sexually uninteresting.
I can't comment on that.
Ah, hah! Of course you can't! Guys, guys, let's not make a scene.
I just figured out how we can refurnish the entire mansion for $700! - Wait a minute.
- Follow me, Robobot.
Titanium Rex: Whiff's up to something with Robobot.
No one is allowed to go against the arrows.
I've never seen a Swede stand up for anything.
This is fishy.
- You're right.
I've got an idea.
- Ha ha ha! Whoa! Sure! - Ohh! - Let's go! Code 73! Code 73! What the hell? - Ooh! - Well, I guess we're doin' this now! [grunts] [in slow-mo] My meatballs! I wasn't done with those! Curtis: Sir? They're heading your way.
Let them come, Curtis.
Whiff! What are you up to? You know me, Rex.
I never stop recruiting.
I gave Robobot the option to join the team here at Iliga, - and I think we have his answer.
- Robobot.
Oh! Are Are you guys waiting for me to say something? - Yesss! - Then no, I absolutely won't join your team, it was a crazy question, and you should be embarrassed you asked.
What?! Then why did you put the shirt on? It fit.
Most shirts accentuate my long neck.
- Not this beauty.
- All right, come on, take it off.
- Aah! Okay.
- Explain yourself, Whiff.
Oh, and let's be clear.
He is not asking you to sing the answer.
Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
Does this answer your question? - No, it does not.
- It doesn't have a lot of detail.
- A-Are all those people you? - Me? What? No! I think the diagrams are quite clear.
- Why doesn't it have any words? - You idiots! The diagram clearly shows that I've been building an army! - Why? [music] - I have never forgotten that day when you turned me down for League membership.
And then I saw you had given Dr.
Devizo, your sworn enemy, his own League of Freedom.
I figured it must've been because he was a worthy adversary, and so I will prove myself to be the same, when my team and I kick your ass! - Hah! - He's got a super team! - Sup, gorgeous? - Cooch? Bugula's talking to you.
I'm talkin' to you, Queen Bee.
Cool.
I'm on the board.
[chuckles] With the cockroach man.
It actually took a lot to put myself out there.
- Go [bleep] yourself.
- You may want to surrender now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is the French Ranger standing behind me? Have at you! [both grunting] I've waited a long time for this! Ah-ha-hoo! Look who came crawlin' back! Well, who says I [groaning] Ohh-ho, heh, good hit.
Now it's time for [grunting] Oh, you know it's customary to let your nemesis get his one [grunting] [groaning] Whoa, what's wrong with you man? You're not doin' it right.
- Whoo, hoo! Hah! - Aww! So embarrassing.
[both grunting] I am not giving you a super team! Hoo! Ohh! Hoo, ahh, hoo! Oh, come on! I'm the only one who's got their guy? I don't usually do this, but I'm gonna offer you a T.
O.
[groans] [groaning] You took my son from me.
You ruined my life! - Now, I'll ruin yours! - Y You've won this round, Bugula.
Until we meet agai [screams in pain] [crying] I guess you were right about me.
I am a villain! - [grunts] Nice try, Rex! - Shouldn't you be embarrassed your products break that easily? Shut up! You hear that? [Black Saturn crying] Rex? My legs don't work, buddy.
- Oh, no - Saturn! You son of a bitch! League! Saturn is down! Stop [bleep]ing around! Ohh! Ooh! Ugh! - Hah! Hah! Ooh! - Yahh! [groans] Finally! Aaah Oww! I I I didn't want anyone to get hurt, I swear! I'm just a fan! Liga means league in Swedish.
I, Liga? Ivan's League.
There will never be an "I" in this team, Whiff! Ahhhh-aaaaah! [groans and grunts] - Saturn! I - Is he gonna be okay? [arguing indistinctly] What is all this racket? I'm busy! With what? Writing love notes to Titanium Rex? No, I was just taking "me" time.
You know, mastur uh meditating! What do you want?! We've had it with being heroes, Devizo.
Count Crokula called me a sellout and threw a rock at my head! - Don't know which part hurt worse.
- Have I mentioned that Blood Moon was this close to going all the way with me? Dude, I was there.
She said she had a crush, that's it, a crush! The gratification of our heroism is not instant, my friends.
But your patience will be rewarded.
With what? Firm handshakes from the mayor and "Good job" from Commissioner Gomez? No.
With the satisfaction of seeing Rex's face when he realizes he's given control of the thing he holds most dear to his greatest enemies.
And once we have earned the public's trust, we will betray them all! And the good name of the League of Freedom will be destroyed, heh, forever.
[all cheering] [monitor beeping] Titanium Rex: Saturn.
Saturn, wake up.
[groans] Ohh what happened? Your back is severely sprained.
You'll walk again, but it's going to be a long road.
Uh, it must've happened when I threw that haymaker, uh, to win the fight with Bugula! Ouch.
Sure, buddy.
Sure.
Lex? Are you okay? I know it's not important, with Saturn being injured and all, but I don't understand why I'm suddenly so unattractive.
[whirring] You're immensely attractive, Lex.
- To other insects.
- What? The insect side of your DNA seems to be grasping for dominance.
You're giving off pheromones at an alarming rate.
That's why you've been repulsing humans but attracting [phone rings] Bugula? Who gave him my number? Great.
It's a dick pic.
Or it's his face, I can't even freaking tell.
Fantastic.
[theme music playing] [vacuum cleaner running] Get the [bleep] outta my room!