SuperMansion (2015) s03e91 Episode Script

A Prayer For Mister T (Thanksgiving Special)

A Prayer for Mister (Thanksgiving Special) When are we gonna get there? I'm hungry.
It's Thanksgiving, Cooch.
If we let you eat breakfast, you won't touch your yams.
You've proven that.
It was mighty Christian of Dr.
Devizo to invite us to the mansion for Thanksgiving.
I'll decide what's Christian, thank you.
He invited us for one reason.
When Devizo and I were on the same team, we'd have turkey cook-offs every year, and I beat him every time.
I thought Marjorie prepared the Thanksgiving turkey.
He-e-e-y, yeah, she did, but I picked the bird, and this year, I outdid myself.
A live turkey.
Ha! I can't wait to see what Marjorie does with Mr.
T.
I'm fairly certain you shouldn't name an animal you're about to slaughter.
I'll be fine, Ranger.
I used to clean magma-trout for my mother back in Subtopia.
How many miles is this memory lane, Rex? Some of us have to knock out two Thanksgivings today.
Saturn, didn't your mother call and say Thanksgiving was canceled? She pulls that joke every year.
You should see her face when I walk through that door.
It's a whole bit.
I hope you'll be staying for the educational portion of the feast.
I've prepared a one-man dramatization of the first Thanksgiving.
There will be laughter, love, and, according to my research, no small amount of genocide, which I plan to gloss over.
Well, you do you.
I'm gonna be comatose from tearing through all that turkey! I'm so sorry.
Come in, come in! Grab a drink and an appetizer.
It is super-cas, guys.
Is that your turkey I smell? Let me at that bird! No, no! It's not ready! Lex, will you keep the cat out of the kitchen, please? I was kind of looking forward to my first Thanksgiving with you as an adult, but I guess I will babysit Cooch instead.
Rex, you didn't bring a turkey? Forfeiting this year? It's in the van.
Marjorie, let's prep this bird! Did I forget to tell you? I gave Marjorie the week off.
But I'm sure you'll do just fine.
I believe in you, Rex.
When is this thing kicking off? You probably heard I only have an hour, and then I've got to uh go spend time with my family that loves me! Ooh, that receiver's not getting up anytime soon.
He'll never be the same, and with what we know about traumatic brain injury, we're all complicit.
- How did you afford this television? - Bitcoin had a very good month.
- If you ever want to talk crypto - Not interested.
No one is interested.
Enjoying a little pig skin on T-Day.
I love it.
Anyway, I've booked the living room.
There's a 12-inch portable boob-tube in the den.
Let's get moving.
We're not going anywhere.
The Storm City Transients are playing the Bay Side Junkies at Shank Stadium.
Sounds entertaining! Almost as entertaining as my one-man production of the first Thanksgiving.
Okay Oops, sorry.
I tripped.
- Hey! - Blue Menace, you're on tech.
Rabdo, you're my prop master.
I'll need 20 smallpox blankets, and a tomahawk.
Come on, let's move! Don't worry.
It it'll all be over soon.
We had some laughs.
You fell asleep in my lap that one time.
But we both knew how this would end.
So, i-if you could just turn around and not look at me with those big, sweet, soulful, almost certainly sentient eyes.
Okay, but this has to be the last time.
Oh, le perfection! - Coming through, hot.
- Ow! Watch it, you idiot! Stay in your lane, and I won't have to.
So, what are you, Rex's sous-chef? Yes.
With Marjorie gone, the job fell to the $3 billion war machine, which sounds ridiculous, but take a look at this ham.
Oh, yes.
Nice cut, pleasant aroma, coming through, hot! The only rule in this competition is there are no rules.
I'll remember that what do I do with this ham? - I'll take it.
- Right here.
- Need any help? No, no, no, no.
No animals in the kitchen.
- Why not? - Cooch and Chet shed.
Robo-Dino almost certainly carries salmonella.
- Wow, bull's-eye.
- And I've seen Buster Nut watch "American Pie" too many times to leave him alone with my dessert table.
Lex, Lex?! - I'm here.
What's up? - Take everyone outside.
Spend some time with your teammates, please.
Oh, they're they're not my teammates.
We're all family on Thanksgiving, and it would make me very thankful if you - would do this one God damn thing.
- Fine.
Come on! You can throw the bird in the fryer.
Wh where is it? I left him in the basement, 100% alive and very cute.
- Oh, God, Rex.
- Wait.
I don't know if I can Paging Norman Rockwell.
Holy shit.
- It's huge.
- This bird is teaming with GMOs, - growth hormones - You cheating son of a bitch.
Come now.
We both know Marjorie was your Thanksgiving ringer.
Without her, you are nothing! I'll see you at dinner to witness my victory.
Ta-ta! You think you can hunt up some GMOs? I've got a few plays I can make.
Bacon-wrapped water chestnuts, julienned winter squash, cranberry sauce three ways.
Where are the God damn gherkins? Yeah, I shouldn't really have anything.
I don't want to fill up you probably heard two Thanksgivings.
You're not missing anything.
W-What happened to the basics? I'm gonna hold out for my mom's spread.
She always puts out a table of my favorites in the garage.
I have to eat in there, but it's got it all the black olives, that weird sour cream-ranch dip.
- Gherkins? - Are those the little green dick-fingers? They're a pickled cucumber, thank you.
You see, all gherkins are pickles, but not all pickles are gherkins.
When did you say you were leaving again? I'm gonna ghost in about 10 minutes.
If I start saying goodbyes, they'll never let me out of here.
- Need some company? - Whoa! Are you serious? Yeah, I can't eat this hipster shit.
It looks like Dr.
Devizo's been jerking off to epicurious.
com.
Make way! I come bearing gifts.
My mama's famous pumpkin pie.
Now, I brought food, which entitles me to eat at the table and bring home no less than one plate.
Sounds like you've done this before.
You're damn right! Thanksgiving is the best deal in town.
You show up with one pie, get fed, and take home a plate for later? Best part is 9 times out of 10, they don't even touch the pie.
- You take that home, too! - Look, we got to go.
Marjorie, where's the Saran wrap, girl?! - She's got the weekend off.
- The cat is away? This mouse might be bringing home three plates tonight.
Know what I'm saying? Let's see GMOs, GMOs.
Ah.
Thank you, Brad and God rest your soul.
The only rules are there are no rules.
You're late! God damn it, Menace, you have got to hit this cue.
This is a 24k Klieg light.
Are you sure it's safe to use indoors? Let's go over this one more time.
Pocahontas stares deeply into Mr.
John Smith's eyes, they move in, and when their lips touch, their world lights up! No! M-maybe that is a a little too Turn it off, you bastard! I guess I wasn't clear that my props needed to be flame-retardant! What is this? Cardboard?! This thing would be a funeral pyre! Well, what do you want me to do?! I want you to grab an ax, chop, strip, debark some trees, and build me a pre-colonial, hand-hewn log cabin, - like a God damn professional! - Oh, yeah, yeah.
You can go [bleep.]
yourself.
I'm out of here.
- Hear, hear.
- Wait, wait! Don't leave! I-I know I was a bit harsh, but I'm passionate about getting this story right.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! If you leave, I won't have just lost my crew.
I will have lost my co-leads.
- I call John Smith! - Oh, I'm fine with that.
Noble Chief Powhatan is obviously the protagonist.
- I don't know about all that.
- Can John Smith have an Uzi, please? Oh, boy.
Lex, come look at Chet.
He's eating grass.
Stop eating grass, Chet.
You're gonna get sick.
It's a risk I'm willing to take.
Ooh, Lex, Lex, Lex, Lex, Lex! Can we play badminton?! Yeah, I literally don't care.
- Thanks, Lex! - I've got the shuttlebug! - "Cock" It's shuttle Oh, God.
- She said it! Lex, Chet, throw it up.
- I told you, Chet.
- Lex! - Buster Nut's hitting me with his racket! - Guys, I just want to Lex, Lex, now Cooch is eating grass! Oh! Hey! You hit me in the face! - With what? - Did you see what it was? I'm not saying it! [Bleep.]
this.
Where's the hard stuff? And done.
The table's almost set.
Should we call this contest? - I hate to see you in such a worry.
- Only if you want to deprive your guests of the best turkey they've ever had.
Sure.
Great poker face, Rex.
I'll go whip up some gingeritas to celebrate your come from way behind me win.
So, how's our buddy uh, turkey? Did you pump him up? You might want to see for yourself.
Holy shit! What did you give him? Brad's unstable growth serum.
Why? - Are you insane?! - Someone doesn't sound very thankful.
Give me that! I'm sorry, buddy.
We're all born with a purpose, and yours is to make Devizo eat shit.
- I think there's a chain saw in the shed.
- Let's go.
This is everything you'd want at a Thanksgiving.
Except, you know, family and friends, and we're in an unheated garage.
Sounds like they're having a blast in there.
Go, Mom! - So, you have to stay in here the whole day? - Yes.
No one can know that Black Saturn is her son.
H-her words, not mine.
Oh, someone's coming! Hey, Mom! Come to spend some time with your number-one son? Come on.
Number one? Bunson told me your friend was eating all this garbage, so I thought I'd clean out the fridge.
- Here.
You like pickles, right? - Uh, I like gherkins.
What's the difference? Every gherkin is a pickle, but not every pickle is a gherkin.
See, these are bread-and-butter chips.
This is Thanksgiving, not a white-trash barbecue.
I usually hate your jokes, but I am wasted, and you are hilarious.
Was deadly serious, but I'll take it.
Would you like to come inside? We flew in some pies from France.
- I thought you weren't serving dessert! - Oh, uh, not pies.
- I mean, um, sardined asparagus.
- Yuck! - Here.
Have a can of cranberry sauce.
- I don't have a can opener! You'll figure it out! Well, it's like they say, "With great power comes "Through no fault of our own, these white Christian settlers have run out of food.
" "Not to worry, we have plenty, as 3/4 of our population has fallen to a mysterious disease, which we are certain you white men had nothing to do with.
" "You are wise, Chief Powhat-an, but my heart also hungers.
I would like to rescue your beautiful daughter from the Savagri - savagery.
" - "Pocahontas, do you love this man?" "I do, and if thee need proof, o Father, I offer this kiss.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm not kissing you, dude.
It's just a stage case.
It's moist, but there's no tongue.
I don't think I'm comfortable with this script.
It's factually inaccurate and highly slanted.
- We're outta here, man.
- Wait! When you two nabbed the best parts of the show and left me with Pocahontas, I balked.
I balked hard.
But, then, I remembered that my father was dead and would never see this, and that this story is important.
Whether you like it or not, we're a company, so let's put aside our differences, trod these boards, and put on a show.
- I'll need script approval.
- And I have some notes.
- Fine! Eat a dick, Martha Stewart.
Now, I see a white gravy, but I'm looking for a brown.
Sergeant Agony, I don't remember inviting you to our feast.
- I brought a pie.
- I guess you can stay.
- And take home a plate! - I know the rules! Do I have to sit over here? Someone has to babysit the kids' table, Lex.
- Hey! We're not kids.
- You're in a booster seat.
It's load-bearing dick support, you shithead.
Uh, what's going on? Just carving the turkey.
Nothing to see here.
Can I please sit at the big table? Not my house, Lex.
Want to be clear about that.
Not responsible for anything that happens here.
- Rex, stop talking.
- See ya! - Hey, that's my line.
- Can I get some wine at least? - You bring a pie? - No.
Too bad.
And, then, the cucumber turned to the salad and said, "Is that a pickle, or did your dick turn green?" But seriously, a gherkin is a West Indian cucumber.
Wow.
You make us laugh and think.
How do you do it? It's a muscle.
You work it, you feed it, it does the job.
Good one, Groaner.
Oh, uh, Black Saturn? Yes.
I'm just going door to door, visiting the citizens of Storm City, uh, but I haven't eaten yet.
- If there's an extra chair, I'd - Sorry, we're full.
Maybe I could just get a can opener? Come on, Groaner.
We're retiring to the study to smoke cigars.
- Oh, sure, Philbert.
I'd love to.
- Is that all? Yeah, unless, maybe, you wanted me to hang out, meet your friends.
It could be fun.
Hmm, no.
Get out.
Shoo.
Go on.
Groaner, are you coming? These are Cubans.
Sorry I just remembered I had Thanksgiving plans with my family.
And you know what? I hate this [bleep.]
holiday.
We gather around a bird, trying to drown out a lifetime of rifts, slights, and resentments in the gravy of tradition.
If you only feel close to your friends and family over a dried-out piece of turkey, then God help you.
God help all of you.
I am done.
You know what? I don't need this.
I'm leaving.
No, seriously.
[bleep.]
you, guys.
- I can't believe you stuck up for me.
- Go, go, go, go.
I got two jars of gherkins stuffed down my pants.
Okay.
One drumstick off this thing is enough to win this competition.
Are you with me? Well, Devizo did call me an idiot.
Yeah, let's go.
On three 1, 2, 3! What the hell? Everyone, eyes up front.
It's show time.
Welcome to the Star-Spangled Repertories' production of The First Thanksgiving.
Or Anglo-Saxon Greed And Its Tragical Outcomes Pertaining to a Noble, Indigenous People.
Anyhoo, let's travel back to the 17th Century, when America was just a tingle in John Smith's nut sack.
That was a Rabdo edit.
I'm not taking credit for that one.
So, this is Plymouth Rock, huh? Well, I claim it in the name of the Pilgrim Lords, so says Johnny "Huge Monster Nuts" Smith.
Who arrived on the Mayflower sans jet pack and Uzis.
And the history books make no mention of his testicles.
This part is in John Smith's mind or something.
When English settlers first landed in America, its native population was thriving, as it had for countless millennia.
But these noble people had yet to meet history's ugliest predator: imperialist greed.
Okay.
We agreed we would lightly nudge the fourth wall.
You just drove a truck through it! John Smith, aren't you hungry or something? You're right.
I better return to the Matrix and refuel on turkey pills.
O-Okay.
This is over.
Clive, I appreciate you flying out from The New York Times, but we're obviously not ready.
Please, try to forget what you've seen.
Rex, look.
Mr.
T is female.
This could be big trouble.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Oh, my.
What are you doing? Putting my face directly over this creepy egg, you know, really getting in there.
- Robobot, don't! - Ooh, a lot of oozing and movement.
Guess I'll just keep my head parked right here until the show's over.
Get away from that thing.
Wait your turn, Rex.
There's some kind of creature trying to claw its way out of a translucent sack.
There you go, little Shit! What is that [bleep.]
thing?! Run! So, I said, "Who needs a family when Arby's is out there producing roast-beef sandwiches of this caliber?" So, yeah, wanna be clear, don't need any of you, and keep your G.
D.
hands off my curly fries.
Uh, Clive, you don't have to write that down.
- Damn it! - Everybody, attention, please.
Rex, finally here to say grace.
We've all got to get out of here right now.
Let me guess.
The mansion is on fire? A dog ate your turkey? You lost, Rex .
Without Marjorie, you're nothing.
Oh, dear, sweet, holy God.
- Yes, let us pray.
- What the hell did you do? Maybe just wait for the visual.
Yes, it's a mutant-turkey infestation.
No! That's all I've got! Oh! It's after the gherkins! It's after the gherkins! [bleep.]
your gherkins! We're all gonna die! Dear Lord, mother of Mary.
Okay, Rex.
You've dialed the number.
Let's start the call.
Stop! You'll not destroy this succulence! - Ahh! - [bleep.]
this! I'm not going to let you talk to the Heavenly Father like that.
Holy hell! You guys hold them off.
I'll make plates.
Chins up, boys.
Cover me while I go for that Klieg light.
I got your back.
Go.
Yippie-ki-yay, mothercluckers.
Gobble on this, devil bird.
- Turn it off! - Turn that God damn light off.
Think we've seen enough? - Yep.
- Let's do this.
Gobble gobble, mother[bleep.]
s! Buster Nut! I usually love it when a chick swallows.
Turkeys are cooked.
Ugh, look what our competition has wrought, Rex.
Yeah, maybe this year, we call it a draw.
Are you [bleep.]
kidding me? Look at this thing.
Agh, not my bird! Foul ball! I got it! What the hell did you do, man?! Marjorie wasn't here, and I freaked out, okay? Now get Ahh! - This is an adult-table problem, right? - Yeah Marjorie! This is about how I thought it would go if I wasn't here.
Damn it, woman.
I gave you the day off! I knew you'd have an evil scheme, Devizo.
- Rex did this! - What?! Uhh, yep.
Sorry about that.
- Sorry about that, everyone.
Sorry.
- We'll talk about this after I clean, stuff, brine, bake, and baste this bird.
I am sorry to slay you, sister.
I give thanks for your protein, and fat ratio.
No, don't! I hereby pardon this turkey.
You're not the [bleep.]
president.
Mr.
T is my turkey, God damn it.
You named the [bleep.]
bird? - I'll make a ham.
- Hooray! Yeah, because [bleep.]
pigs, right? It wasn't a joke.
I've got real things to say! Thanks for being my friend these last few weeks.
Think you'll like it here.
Luckily, the yard walls were just tall enough to keep Mrs.
T contained.
It's a good thing turkeys can't fly.
- It's a Thanksgiving miracle! - Godspeed, Mr.
T.
We should probably go clean that up.