SuperMansion (2015) s03e90 Episode Script

Summer Vacation Special

1 - Ah! - The Hawaiian islands.
The sweet smell of American imperialism.
What do you say, Rex? Burn a sugarcane field and run naked through the flames, scaring the natives? Well, actually, Ranger, Hawaii became a state in 1959.
Oh! That's fantastic, because who would want to have any fun anymore? Can I take this leash off yet? [quietly.]
Careful, Cooch.
Service animals don't talk.
Wow.
You really know how to spoil your team.
Hey, not all of us got flown out here on the USO's dime.
If you're not careful, Hawaiian vacations - will break the bank.
- Okay, Jake, I'll get off here.
- All luggage has to go to the carousel.
- Sounds like fun! And you said flying as luggage was degrading.
This is bullshit.
At least you got to be on the plane.
- Lex, you look terrible.
- Oh, do I? It must be from sucking down jet exhaust for the last eight hours.
Or from [spits.]
Or from the pelican I may or may not have swallowed.
Either way, thanks for the trip, Dad.
I'm having a great time.
I didn't invite any of you.
All of you insisted on coming along on the coach ticket I purchased with my miles.
Black Saturn: Not all of us, Rex.
First class all the way, baby.
Best 20K I ever spent.
Who's ready to get "leid"?! - Those leis are $59.
95 each.
- Yeah, no shit.
At that price, I had to get leid twice! Ménage à trois, baby.
- You just got leid by a dude! - Shut up! [sighs.]
I'm really glad you guys came.
[inaudible.]
Sharkah: Can it be? After so many years, the seal returns to me? Your trickery has held me at bay long enough, Mermanaught.
The sea and all the world will soon be mine! [up-tempo instrumental music.]
3x00 - Summer Vacation Special [Hawaiian music.]
Ah.
Now this, I can get used to.
- Were you trying to ditch me? - What makes you say that? Your full sprint when the lost luggage guy dropped me off in the lobby.
Look, if the hotel knew we were together, I'd incur an extra guest charge.
And if I claimed you as luggage, I'd have to tip the bellhop.
Running was my only option.
I'm off to rehearse for the USO show.
You're welcome to tag along.
Gonna be breaking in the old tap shoes in a masculine display of patriotic rhythm.
Sorry, Ranger, I plan on doing as little as possible.
If you need me, I'll be parked at the pool, lost in a mai tai fog.
I'll leave your tickets for the show at the front desk.
No, no, no, no, no, no, I'll take those.
No need to involve a cash-starved concierge.
Ooh! What's this? Jet skis! Now that sounds fun.
- And expensive.
- Not necessarily.
This company offers two free jet ski rentals if you go to their time share presentation.
Sounds reasonable? It's almost impossible to get out of there if you don't buy into their scheme.
That's why I need someone with a steely resolve.
Oh, sweet Christ.
Fine.
And don't come back without those free rentals! Cooch, you okay? This whole island is surrounded by water.
I'm a cat.
I don't know how to swim.
Black Saturn: Check it out, wahines.
Knocked out my first fire-twirling lesson.
[grunting.]
[people screaming.]
Ooh, terrible place for a hut made of grass.
- What's up with Cooch? - She's afraid of the water.
Yeah, I know what that's like.
My parents actually taught me to swim on a Hawaiian vacay.
- Really? - I was barely six years old.
[screaming and crying.]
Black Saturn: My dad had chartered a boat.
Scared of the water, I spent the first seven hours of the journey screaming at the top of my lungs.
Finally, my mother had an idea.
[other grunts.]
[Young Black Saturn screams.]
Black Saturn: It was sink or swim.
I chose sink.
Hard.
And that's when I saw him.
[yelps.]
The merman who gave me a second chance.
He gave me a magical idol that allowed me to breathe underwater.
- That's how I remember it, at least.
- It sounds to me like you nearly drowned, and had a near-death experience.
Also, that your parents almost committed infant murder.
Wow, that fire is spreading.
Let's finish this convo on da beach! American Ranger, re-po-o-o-o-or [tapping.]
- reporting for duty.
- You were supposed to get a memo detailing the tastes of today's troops.
No, I did.
I tore that up.
I've heard tap has been put out to pasture.
I'm here to prove it's still [tapping rapidly.]
kicking.
We were kind of hoping you'd tell us - about the time you killed Hitler.
- And I will in song! Now, where's my brass man? I need to give him the arrangements.
[over mic.]
A tisket, a tasket.
Take a look at this basket.
I don't know why my wang's out, honey.
[audience murmuring.]
Why don't you ask it? Boom! - [laughter.]
What the hell? - Hot cross buns, hot cross buns.
My wang's out honey, let's have some fun.
Shick-shick, boom! There appears a drunken vagrant has stolen the house microphone and is using it to desecrate Mother Goose's grave.
- Permission to beat his ass! - Permission denied, soldier.
That's Rod "the Wang Man" Beatrix.
He's your opening act.
[gasps.]
Hello.
Is this the time share presentation? [beeps, locks.]
Okay So, how'd everyone else get suckered into this? It was my call, and I stand behind it, and I - Kevin can't stand up for himself.
- You didn't have to come! I'm not gonna let you buy a time share! And you? [lock whirs.]
I'm Jimmy Banks, and before we get started, I want to say, I know you're all just here for the jet skis.
[laughter.]
You know who else was just here for the jet skis? This guy! I can say with total honesty that buying my first time share saved my life.
How would you like to come to Hawaii once a year for a fraction of the price?! Uh, nope, I've heard enough.
Can I get that coupon? Everyone's free to leave at any time granted you can find the door key on my cold, dead body.
- Now sit down! - Okay.
Who wants to take a look at some floor plans? Another Hawaiian Ben Dover, please.
- Make it two, Tiny.
Uh, this seat taken? - Not for me to say.
I make decisions for a living, and I am off the clock.
I hear that.
Hey, aren't you Titanium Rex? President Obama?! Barack Obama! What are you doing here? On the island, I go by Barry.
Hawaii.
I love it.
No, no, I know that.
Everyone knows that.
We've seen the pictures.
What I mean is this is one of the [whispers.]
cheapest hotels on the island.
It's the only hotel with Tiny's Hawaiian Ben Dover! A straw? Is that a joke? One, two, three chug! [gulps.]
- Rex, your turn, baby! - No, thank you.
I'm gonna sip.
This is a $12 drink.
- I got this one.
- Bottom's up.
- Mind if I light this bitch up? - Oh.
You smoke cigars? Sure, Rex.
It's a cigar.
Wink, wink.
I may be out to pasture, but the grass is awful sweet.
That's a little pungent.
Hey, sack up, Rex.
They know me here.
Oh, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle! - Take this.
It's yours.
- What?! Oh.
Hey, honey.
Come here.
Mwah.
I was just thanking an American hero for his service to this great country of ours.
Now, run along, I'll be up soon.
Now that is what we're fighting for.
Mmm! Eight more Hawaiian Ben Dovers, Tiny.
What do you say we take this up a notch? As long as you're buying, yes, we can! You know there was a pool back at the hotel, right? Go big or don't swim, Lex.
We need open water, just like I had.
- And what is the plan again? - I give heavy sedatives to Cooch.
Why is there a sky on the ground too? When she wakes up in, oh, two hours, we throw her in the water, and it's sink or swim, baby! That sounds incredibly dangerous.
That's why I brought my good luck charm.
Saturn, where did you get that necklace? - I told you, the merman gave it to me.
- Wait, that actually happened? What kind of asshole would make up a story where he gets kissed by a merman?! [music.]
Excuse me, Mister Wang Man.
That's me.
Shick-tick, boom! Couldn't help but overhear your rehearsal.
I was thinking it was a little blue for our boys in the service.
- Oh, really? - And believe it or not, Mr.
Bob Hope used to look to me for revisions.
Yeah, you don't say? Let's dive in.
Now, in this "Tisket, Tasket" bit, you reference a basket containing your wang.
Now, wouldn't it be just as funny if instead, this young lady found a banana split?! [laughing.]
- How unexpected! - Wow, thanks for taking the time.
You mind if I have those notes? - Of course! - Oh! The Wang Man doesn't take notes! Then I guess we'll settle this the old-fashioned way.
- Fisticuffs! - Whoa, whoa ,whoa! You wouldn't want me to write a little limerick about you.
Would you? American Ranger went to town to walk around the block.
He saw the Wang Man, dropped to his knees, - and sucked his big old - Easy, easy, easy! I can see I brought a little friendly advice to a [bleep.]
you fight.
I-I-I don't want any trouble.
Break a leg out there.
Yeah, I thought so! Jimmy: There is zero risk.
You don't like the time share, we'll gladly buy it back.
Kevin, are you [bleep.]
listening?! I'm sorry, Jimmy! It's just so hot.
- Can we turn down the heat? - Oh, I'd love to, Kevin, but the thermostat is in the hall, and I can't leave until I'm confident [shouting.]
you're hearing me! [crying.]
Okay, I'll sign, I'll sign! - Ugh! - Damn it, Kevin, be a man! Toko.
[video game beeping.]
Yeah, get him.
That's what I like.
- The boss is almost dead, Rex.
Tag in.
- I'm out of quarters! - There you go.
- Sweet.
- Not bad, Rex.
- We make a pretty good team.
- Say ah, forget it.
- Aw, come on, man, what is it? Well, I was gonna ask which one of these people is your Secret Service agent.
It's Tiny, right? Secret Service? I don't need 'em.
- I can take care of myself.
Ninja.
- What? [ninja growling in slow-mo.]
[gasping.]
[grunting.]
Circle up.
[ninja screaming.]
There you go.
[Rex grunting.]
- Ah.
- Barack! Bam! In your face, bitch.
[ninja screams.]
So, another round? [laughter.]
Ah, come here! [both laughing.]
Hey, hey, hey! Cooch, come on! We'll just have to wait for her to wake up.
Boy! What should we do until then? And don't go for my hog.
We are not getting back together! Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm in open waters with you, - 20 miles from [screams.]
- I know, I know.
I didn't have time to shave my legs.
Turn around, dipshit! [snarling.]
You returned with the Crown of the Reef.
I challenge you to a death match for the right to wear it.
Challenge accepted! Show me what you got, shark dick! [groans.]
Hey! Well, you were technically defending yourself.
- Catch.
- What? Ow! Oh, this thing is prickly! [slurring.]
It's pretty and prickly.
[laughing.]
[Black Saturn moans.]
Rise! Your new king commands it.
Ah, I'm up! Wait a minute.
You! You're the one that saved my life and gave me this.
Yes, I'm the one who, through great peril and effort, bestowed the Crown of the Reef upon you to keep it from falling into Sharkah's hands.
Now 20 years later, you've delivered the crown back to the very same spot.
Congratulations, it was all for nothing.
You've killed us all.
And now, you will give the crown to me! Why didn't you just take it when we were passed out? It It doesn't work that way.
He must bestow it to me with a kiss.
Oh, that's why you kissed me on the forehead.
- Yes, I did.
- Well, I'm sorry.
Black Saturn don't swing that way.
You can just give a peck on the nose, - or on the top of my head.
- No.
Final answer.
Fine.
I'll just murder you and your friends.
- You had me at "you.
" - And you have to mean it.
Hey! Okay, okay! [Black Saturn moaning.]
Get the [bleep.]
off of me.
[laughs evilly.]
You fool.
I couldn't have killed you while you wore the crown.
But now there is nothing to stop me.
Prepare to die! Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, - saw my wang and had a great fall.
- This is unacceptable.
Rod: All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't make me put my wang back in again.
My wang! My business! [cheers and applause.]
Nope, I won't accept this.
[snickering.]
Hey, look, everyone.
It's Yanks-his-doodle Dandy! [bones crack.]
[crowd gasps.]
I think there's been quite enough of that.
Thank you.
Now who's ready for a little of this?! [tapping rhythmically.]
A little of that? Ha-ha! And a healthy portion of [crowd booing.]
Buck up, soldier.
This may be harder than you thought.
Jimmy [over PA, distorted.]
: Did you enjoy your break? Let us out of here! If you look at the center of the room, you'll find two contracts, one pen, and a hacksaw.
You all have some decisions to make.
[laughing evilly.]
- It's an investment! - No! Holy shit.
We appreciate the help, but try to take it easy for the rest of the night.
You think you can handle that, Barry? No promises, Chuck.
Thank you for your service.
Whew! That was a close one.
He asked for ID, and I almost flashed my Kenyan driver's license.
- Just kidding, Rex.
Wanna steal a car? - Ha! Good one.
Not joking.
I just walk up to the valet, point at a car, and tell 'em it's mine.
It's one of the only times I feel alive.
Well, what do you say, snag a cherry red Corvette and ghost-ride that whip out to a volcano, see who bails first? I think I'm gonna call it a night.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was talking to one of my two very smart, reasonable daughters.
- Barack, are you okay? - I'm great.
Why do you ask?! [sighs.]
It's not like I ran the world for eight years and now Retirement gets a little boring, huh? Never let them put you out to pasture, Rex.
I I lied about the grass.
It sucks.
- Tastes like boredom and ass.
- Hey, do you like jet skis? - I've got a line on some, uh, maybe.
- Don't jerk my chain, Rex.
Come on! I can sleep when I'm dead.
Prepare to die.
[mellow voice.]
A shark man? But aren't we all? If we can't move, we can't breathe.
And if we can't breathe [panicked voice.]
Are we underwater?! Holy [bleep.]
shit! - Just relax.
- I can't be underwater! [Cooch yowling.]
Stop her! [yowling.]
[glass shatters.]
Move! [yowling continues.]
Black Saturn: Whoa! [gurgling.]
[gurgling.]
See?! I told you I'd teach her to swim! [gurgling.]
I hate you so much right now.
- Impossible! - Oh, yeah.
It's really weird how they didn't just stand there and let you stab them.
Just because you have the crown doesn't mean you're a ruler.
Doesn't it? Ask the creatures of the sea, who I now control.
[amulet humming.]
[snarling.]
[roaring.]
[fish whistling.]
Get this stuff off of me! [panting.]
That was amazing! You swam like a mermaid.
Yeah, with two anchors strapped to her fins.
I was the only one paddling back there! What's that?! [water churning.]
- Maybe we should see ya? - Uh, yeah.
[motor whirring.]
[grunting.]
[crowd booing.]
Come on, soldier.
It's over.
Like hell it is! You want Ranger to work blue?! Fine! For my boys putting their lives on the line, I'll do it! All right.
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner eating a pie made of poop.
He stuck his thumb inside and pulled out more poop.
[feedback whines.]
Did you did you hear what I said?! Are you not entertained?! Ugh! Who threw that?! [grunting.]
No one is throwing them, soldier.
Those goddamn fish are attacking.
[clamoring.]
Damn, there are fish everywhere! Ooh, that one looks good.
Do you think this has something to do with the Crown of the Sea? Let's just blame everything on me.
Old bad luck Wheelihan.
[squeaking.]
Oh-ho! Oh! Jellyfish! [screams.]
The fish really threw a wrench in my performance.
- I was killing.
- Oh, you sucked! [Shakrah laughs evilly.]
Bow before your new king, land animals.
I control all the creatures of the sea! I didn't know that thing commanded fish armies! Give it back, shark dick! [moans.]
[grunting.]
[chittering.]
Time for a little soft-shell soft-shoe, eh?! [grunting.]
[crabs squealing.]
Oh, wait, huh? Where am I?! Okay, Saturn, stay cool.
[jellyfish squealing.]
Oh, they're stinging the shit out of me! [grunting.]
- Okay, time out.
- What? Why do you keep kicking me in the nose? I read that that's what you're supposed to do in a shark attack.
I mean, it hurts, but I'm still in the fight.
It's just annoying then? You do it again and I'm gonna take your leg off.
- Fine, I'll just - Psych! If you'd kicked my nose one more time, I would have been finished! - Damn it! - Now you die.
- Obama: Not tonight, shark man! - What the hell?! - I can take it from here.
- No! You got the sick jet skis, I help you with the shark man.
[jet skis whir in slow-motion.]
[thuds.]
[Sharkah screams.]
- Where'd you find Barack Obama? - Why does that matter? Where'd you get the bad-ass jet skis?! You want to tell 'em, Robobot? No.
I do not.
[inhales deeply.]
Sharkah.
I thought I'd seen the last of you after our tussle in Aruba.
[inhales deeply.]
And now here I am, ready to claim the surface world [gasps.]
in all [gasps.]
You know what? [gasps.]
I'm having a heck of a time catching my breath here.
I forgot my water helmet.
Shit! This is so embarrassing.
I'm just gonna piss off back to the ocean.
[gasps.]
We'll do this another time.
The only way you're getting back in that ocean is if you pay a fee.
As the new ruler of the ocean, I allow you entry back to the sea, on one condition.
You never do evil in my underwater kingdom again.
[gasps.]
Yeah, yeah.
Whatever! [gasps.]
- Would love to get back in the water [gasps.]
- Let him go.
Gonna need someone to roll me into the sea now.
- Can't [bleep.]
breathe, guys! - Fine! [gasping.]
[water splashes.]
Thank you, heroes.
I hope my crab vanguard was able to assist you - before they fell to Sharkah's might.
- Those were friendly crabs? It's official.
I can't do anything right.
Oh, now, what's the matter? All I wanted to do was bring our soldiers some wholesome entertainment, but I failed! Probably for the best.
Heard the Wang Man was performing.
No way you could compete with him.
Did he do Hot Cross Buns? That's my fave Michelle, Michelle, Michelle! Yes.
Let's all show our boys that we can entertain them with a wholesome song! - Finally! Yes! - Oh, what the hell.
[upbeat music.]
All: Summer vacation All across the nation Leave your troubles at home Go to the beach now We're having a luau Hang loose in the sun Took a boat out on the ocean Things got pretty dark I was trapped in a sales promotion And I made out with a shark - Really? - Yep! Made it through this whole vacation Without spending a dime Got a bong at a local head shop Hey, let's have a good Michelle, Michelle, Michelle! All: Summer vacation all across the nation Leave your worries at home - Ha-ha, leave 'em at home! - Break out the cat chow.
- Jerk off a sea cow.
- Okay, that's quite enough! If you're feeling down and gloomy And want to feel like a peach Get your tap shoes out and hoof it But maybe not on the beach All: Summer vacation all across the nation - We're coming back every year.
- Yes, we will.
Up and until then We'll be your beach friends Hang loose in the Hang loose in the Hang loose in the - Jerk off a sea - No! Hang loose in the sun [cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
[waves crashing.]
What are you looking at, Robobot? Nothing, Rex.
It's It's nothing.
Oh, by the way, you're now the proud owner of a Waikiki condo for six nonconsecutive non-peak days a year.
Aah, son of a bitch!