Supernatural s07e06 Episode Script

Slash Fiction

- Hello.
: Bobby Singer? My surgeon is a monster.
Please get your ass here to Sioux Falls General.
They're like Shapeshifters, only a lot more into eating folk.
And nothing can kill them.
- Anything else? - Yeah.
They bleed black goo.
CHET: Hi, Sam.
Hi, Dean.
That spell only lasts for a few days.
Stuff you don't talk about doesn't just go away.
- What are you talking about? - Whatever you're not telling me about.
We're good, right? We're good.
You sure about this? Trust me.
MAN: Can I help you? WOMAN: Yeah.
Morning, "Megan.
" That is a really, really pretty dress.
MEGAN: Thank you.
It's vintage.
Well, it looks new on you.
- Well, aren't you sweet, sir.
- Call me Dean.
MEGAN: How can I help you today, Dean? DEAN: Um I don't actually have an account at this bank but I was wondering if there was any way I could get change for that? I think I can make an exception.
Just for you.
- Thanks.
MEGAN: Ha, ha.
How do you want it, Dean? [CHUCKLES.]
I'm gonna have to take a rain check, and all your money.
Hands in the air! Hands in the air! Your money's insured so no heroes, okay? DEAN: Get in there.
WOMAN: It's okay.
Stay calm.
- You ready? - Yup.
Okay, Chet, let's see how you like a little fruit of the poison tree.
- Isn't that just a legal expression? - You're gonna wish it was.
Similar finish to holy water, not as bitter as rock salt.
And how are my two favorite meatsicles? DEAN: Is he still sucking air? Greatest hits didn't do the trick.
I'm down to B-sides and deep cuts.
Better figure out something quick.
That whammy that witch dude put on him only lasts a few days.
He gets his spinach back, we're gonna end up having to drop a car on him.
Actually, Edgar walked away from that car.
He's fine.
Well, he's a little pissed at you, but [SIGHS.]
Oh, you didn't know? - You shut your cake trap.
- Ooh.
Bobby, you've been using all this stuff and he still won't talk? Huddle over, coach? How'd you find us? It was easy.
I used pattern-recognition software and a basic heuristic algorithm to track your aliases.
Great, just what we need, a Mensa monster.
All right, let's just start with the start.
Where'd you get our aliases? From your trench-coated friend, obviously.
When we were all nestled in at Camp Cass kind of got the full download.
That's just how we do.
So why are you talking to us, Chet? You're not dumb.
Why are you spilling state secrets? Because I'm not scared of you.
You can't stop me.
You can't stop any of us.
We can't be killed, you stupid little chew toys.
You are aware that I'm the least of your concerns, right? Oh.
You haven't watched the news today, have you? MAN [ON TV.]
: The two men who, up until today, were presumed dead locked the doors and opened fire, leaving no survivors.
Sam and Dean Winchester are now the subjects of a manhunt throughout the state of California.
- Busy morning, you two? - The sons of bitches xeroxed us.
- But I don't understand how.
BOBBY: I don't know.
Maybe one of them touched you at the hospital.
CHET: It was the hair! Not too hard to lift some DNA out of a motel shower drain, guys.
You can copy people like that? Awesome.
- Well, what is their plan exactly? - Squeeze us, heh.
Turn us into the most wanted men in America.
That settles it.
We find these ass monkeys and kill them ourselves.
Every form of law enforcement in the country has seen your ugly mugs this morning.
- So what's the point trying to hide? - Better than sticking your fool neck out.
- These things are smarter than you.
SAM: Gee, don't sugarcoat it.
You don't have a clue how to kill them or slow them down.
And your plan is what, go right at them? - Genius.
- They're wearing our faces.
- This is personal.
- I'm with Dean.
Well, if you're gonna be stupid, you might as well be smart about it.
You need to see a fellow named Frank Devereaux.
Who's he? He's ajackass and a lunatic but he owes me one, from back in Port Huron.
In the meantime, I'll keep working on Chatty Cathy here see if I can figure out what makes him die.
The usual? Rhymes with "singsongs.
" SAM: You guys sell protein bars? Yeah.
But it's in the back, though.
Just, uh, give me a second.
Pretty sure the cashierjust made me.
Special Agent Morris, Special Agent Valente.
Gentlemen, these Winchester boys are keeping busy, I hear.
What is this, some type of psycho road trip? The second bank, plus that convenience store.
A couple of days ago, they were dead.
We know about what you know.
Excuse me.
Actual serial killers, heh.
Crime spree means paperwork.
Lots of it.
Which you'll be doing.
We gotta go.
Winchesters spotted at a Gas-N-Sip.
It's about a thousand miles from here.
That's fast.
- Must have flown.
- That or Batmobile.
You sure this is the right place? Yeah.
SAM: Frank, you in there? Frank? Frank? Frank? Frank, anybody here? Hello? Anybody home? FRANK: Well, well.
Spider caught some flies.
Heh, heh.
Well, I'll be darned.
Psycho Butch and Sundance.
- You're on CNN right now.
- No, no.
That's not us.
Can't be.
Unless you had a teleporter.
Do you have a teleporter? No, sir.
We don't.
Well, my condolences on the doppelgangers.
Now, who sent you? NSA? The feeb? March of Dimes? Uh, Bobby Singer sent us.
- Or not.
Who? - He said you could help.
He said you owed him from, uh, Port Huron.
Guy saves your life one time and what, you owe him the rest of yours? That's usually how it works, yeah.
FRANK: Oh, yeah.
I know that Bobby's into that magic hooey but truth is the government have been cloning people for years.
- Guess it was your turn in the barrel.
- Actually - Forget it, he's rolling.
- Yours have been busy beavers.
You're number two on the Most Wanted list.
Quickest climb up the charts since Donna Summer.
So, what do you think we should do? Cuba's nice this time of year.
- No, we're not hiding.
- Heh, is he always this stupid? DEAN: Look, we, uh, gotta stick around and kick a couple of asses.
So, uh, we just need you to get us further off the grid but keep us on the board.
Well, first thing we gotta do is, uh, wipe all your old aliases.
Uh, no more rock shout-outs.
It's Tom and John Smith from now on.
And no plastic.
Cash only.
And change your phones on a very frequent non-schedule schedule.
You understand? Oh, and try to stay out of view of the 200 million cameras that the government has access to, okay? Two hundred million? Big Brother, he has many eyeballs, my friend.
You see a place that looks like it can afford security you just ease on down the road.
This, uh This is your laptop, right? Yeah, that's mine.
Hey! What are you? What was that? Uh - Thank you, I guess.
- No problem.
You owe me 5 grand, cash.
- What? - What? Unless you wanna go comparison shop at the mall.
Say hi to the cops for me.
Let's Blue Steel you up some new ID, Mr.
And Mr.
Whoo! Do it again.
Come on, do it again.
Just gonna touch me in the morning then just walk away.
- You're still talking.
- Ha, ha.
Aren't you sick of this yet? You bleed black snot, sure but you bleed, you can die.
Sure, sport, whatever you say.
Try the acid again, why don't you? Poor sap, you're stumped.
Give it a rest, mouthy.
How long you think these will hold once the spell wears off, hmm? Ticktock, old man.
I'm gonna really enjoy eating you.
- Right down to that hat.
- I said shut up.
And then I'm gonna eat everyone you ever said hello to.
Hot damn.
Well, that's something.
I marked all the towns your stunt doubles hit so you can see the pattern.
All right, great.
Um, so, what is the pattern? No clue, man.
I can't see it.
- Seems random.
- Little tip from a pro: There's no such thing as a random series of robbery-murders by your evil twins.
Well, have yourself some uppers and look at that some more.
- Good luck.
- Thanks, Frank.
For what? Sending you to your death? Your doubles wanna be on Candid Camera.
Put you in the line of fire.
Now, I'd lay low because I love life and its infinite mysteries but you two wanna be dumb, that's fine.
At least have the common sense to ditch your car.
Wh? Uh, excuse me, what? Your Doublemints, they're using a car just like the one outside.
What the? What the hell are you doing here? You're all charm, Bobby.
So my therapist keeps telling me.
How'd you find me? I'm a cop, remember? You gonna invite me in? Well, you may not want me to.
I got one of the big mouths downstairs.
So I won't go downstairs.
Hmm? I, uh I wanted to come thank you.
- Thank me? - Yeah.
Seeing as they were fresh out of: "Thanks for saving me from liver-eating surgeon" cards at the store.
Oh, that.
Just doing my job.
Which nobody pays me for.
How you doing, Bobby? I'm fine.
Every day's a gift.
Your house just burned down.
As you can see, I got a roof over me.
Bobby, let someone be nice to you for five minutes.
But not too nice.
I can't be going soft.
Of course not.
I can cook.
Why don't you let me make you something? Maybe put this new place of yours in some kind of order.
Come on, I owe you that much.
Thanks, sheriff.
Did you think it would be that easy? No.
But it's a start.
You okay? It's bad enough they're ganking people wearing our mugs, but now this? Have us driving around in this caboodle while Baby's on lockdown.
It's temporary, Dean.
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
You know that's a line from? A Swayze movie.
Swayze always gets a pass.
Well, you want some tunes or something? Here.
What would you say If I called on you now And said that I can't hold on? - Sorry, man, l - Just leave it.
It's probably gonna be the only thing on.
It gets harder each day Please love me or I'll be gone I'll be gone [MOUTHING.]
I'm all out of love I'm so lost without you I know you were right Believing for so long I'm all out of love What am I without you? I can't be too late To say that I was so wrong Oh, what are you thinking of? Here.
- Dean.
- What? Jericho.
The lady in white.
Blackwater, Wendigo.
Lake Manitoc, the kid in the lake.
They're hitting towns we've worked jobs in.
In order.
Since the day I left Stanford with you.
So they want us to find them? Well, one way to find out.
Next case would be in St.
Connor's Diner.
The best burgers in St.
Oh, I deserve something good in my life right now.
You know he has one of these every day? And in his heart he thinks they're almost as good as sex.
This is disgusting.
- Heh.
Dead plants with creamy goo.
It's like eating self-righteousness.
- You tell me which is worse.
- You know what? I can't stand the guy.
- Heh.
- Talk about a hero complex.
He doesn't have relationships, no.
He has applications for sainthood.
Oh, and he thinks he's funny.
Thinks he's a damn comedian.
Who has two thumbs and a full-blown bats in the belfry? I'm serious.
It's nothing but Satan vision on the inside.
How he's walking around in ajacket with detachable arms is beyond me.
- I had a brother with this many issues.
- Yeah? - Know what I did? - Hmm? - I ate him.
- Of course you did.
How are these guys even a threat? - Boss says they gotta go, they gotta go.
- Right.
Wanna trade? I mean, I'll take chuckles over schizo.
No, I like this one's hair better.
You can stay in the big one.
All right.
In that case, let's turn up the heat.
The sooner I get out of this and into something more stable, the better.
Hold on.
Hey, kid.
Hey, why don't you fire up the camera on that thing? [CHUCKLES.]
Point it over here.
Shall we? Everybody be cool, this is a robbery! Anybody moves and I will execute every last one of you! BOBBY [OVER PHONE.]
: Chopping heads won't kill them but it'll slow them down pretty good.
Till they fuse back up, anyhow.
Well, that's something, I guess.
Assuming we can get close to them.
I don't want you walking right up to them either.
I'm still looking for something you can shoot.
Good times.
All right, thanks, Bobby.
You take mayo, right, Bobby? You got a chick over there? What? No.
- Are you even working, Richard Gere? - Shut up, you idjit.
- Heh.
- Where you boys off to next? - Uh, St.
That's where we - It's too late.
They hit St.
Pumpkin and Honey Bunny'd a diner there.
- Connor's Diner? BOBBY: Yeah.
How'd you know? Lucky guess.
All right, so much for that.
I guess we're off to, uh, Ankeny, Iowa.
- Call us if you get anything else.
BOBBY: You got it.
MAN 1: There you go.
MAN 2: You got it? MAN 3: Put the covers there.
MAN 4: Yeah.
Special Agents Morris, Valente.
You were first on the scene? - Unfortunately.
- Wanna tell us what happened? MAN: No! WOMAN: Help! MAN 1: No.
Hey, hey, hey! Keep that up! I didn't say you could put that down! I want the whole world to know what Sam and Dean Winchester are capable of.
MAN 2: No.
WOMAN 2: Please.
That all of them? - All but one.
BOY: No.
Please, no! Well, goodnight, St.
You've been a wonderful crowd.
Grab your socks and hose, lowa, because we're headed to you next.
- We need to alert - Federal, state, local.
I'm on it.
: Does this skin make me look fat? Balls.
It's pretty dark in here.
High school dropout.
A drunk like your daddy before you.
Oh, you and dad, now, that's a can of scorpions.
Your favorite singer is Joni fricking Mitchell? Oh, Bobby.
You are 10 pounds of sad in a 5-pound bag.
Sam, Sam.
Hold on.
Don't move, don't move.
Oh, no.
This is all sorts of wrong.
DEAN: Oh, those are nice wheels.
Tell you what, when this is over, I'm stealing those rims.
Tell the kids I said hi.
- Yeah? - Bobby, we got eyes on them.
: What? - It's like looking at a fun-house mirror.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Tell me you got something, otherwise we have to get in close.
BOBBY: Look, just hang back for now.
- It's too late, we gotta Hang on.
- Hands in the air! - Whoa, whoa, big misunderstanding.
- Look, the guys you want - Shut up.
- Turn around.
- Shut up.
Drop the phone, put your hands in the air.
Dean? Dean? POLICEMAN: Cuff them.
: The thing about you, Bobby Save it.
I already know me, handsome.
You got the gruff thing down.
Seen more death than an electric chair.
Ready to die with your boots on.
But, you know, deep down inside you're no cynic.
You still hope.
You even got a thing for that lady upstairs.
A tiny part of you thinks maybe, after this is all done you and Miss Sheriff can make your own little cabin in the woods.
That's hilarious.
You're not getting any older than tomorrow, Bobby.
Why do you bother? You're a Browning fan? - Come again? - Robert Browning.
Got that name rattling around up there with the rest of my thoughts and feelings? It's kind of hard to sift through all the drunken blackouts, but A man's reach should exceed his grasp.
I like that.
That's actually lovely.
Browning, huh? After I eat you, I'm definitely gonna hit the library.
What the hell is that? Get it off.
Get it off! Get it off! Get it off of me! [GROANING.]
Get it off me! Oh, sorry, little snafu here.
Okay, wasn't expecting that reaction.
What the hell was in that bucket? You're making a mistake, the real killers are back at the diner.
- That the best you can do? - I want my phone call.
Oh, there'll be a call, to the FBI.
Take him to cell number one.
Take that one to the interview room.
Once they're separate and secure, you boys call it a night.
You're making a mistake! [CAR ENGINE REVS.]
What, did you guys forget something or what? [GROWLS.]
- Hey.
I have a right to my phone call.
OSBORNE: A right? You killed how many people last couple days and you want me to hop to on your rights? Look, I didn't Please just give me one phone call.
Boys? - We got popped.
- I'll be there as soon as No, no.
There's no time.
Look, we saw them, they saw us.
So we are coming to get us, you read me? Tell me you got something.
BOBBY: There's a chemical.
Sodium borate.
DEAN: Let me get Mr.
Wizard on speed dial.
It ain't as weird as it sounds.
It's found in industrial cleaners and soaps and laundry powder.
Anything with the word "borax" on it.
You want me to desperate housewife these mothers? Just trust me.
It burns them bad enough to slow them down.
So get the strongest you can find.
Hear me? Borax burns.
Got it.
Then douse them, then you get close, and then chop the heads off.
DEAN: Got it.
- And keep the heads separate.
Bobby, you're a genius.
L - What'd you do that for? - Borax? Decapitation? What kind of sickos are you and your friends? Hey, you listen to me.
If you don't go get every ounce every drop of whatever that stuff is, in this place right now we're all gonna die.
Whoa, you're crazier than I thought.
Hey! What are you doing? What is your problem? We don't have time for lunch.
- I was hungry.
- Later.
Let's go.
What is it? What happened? I, uh It's just - I don't know what I just saw.
- Let me out of here.
Okay, listen to me and we'll live.
Keep your head down.
Get to the supply closet, get anything that says "borax" on it.
Bring it here.
I'm not your brother.
But I am Dean adjacent.
Heh, heh.
Not Sammy.
I just wanna let you know how much I've really grown to hate you and your brother since we've been wearing you.
I just don't get it.
You could be anything.
You're strong, you're uninhibited.
You're smart enough, believe it or not.
But you're so caught up in being good and taking care of each other.
- What do you care? - Because it pisses me off! You're wasting a perfectly good opportunity to subjugate the weak.
Really think you can get close enough to use it? Not until you're burning.
Here's the deal.
Dean thinks you're nutballs.
Thinks you're off your game.
You gonna kill me or is this some sort of play-with-your-food bull? All right.
All right.
Heh, you know, I guess that's why Dean never told you that he killed Amy.
There it is.
The look on your face.
That is priceless.
That's what I've been waiting for.
Now I can eat you.
Because you see I like my meat a little bitter.
Wow, that felt good.
So the FBI is on the way.
- Yeah, listen, about that, uh OSBORNE: Whatever I can do.
Especially if it involves lying about everything I just saw.
I was hoping you could help us kind of be "dead.
" You know, quote-unquote.
Yeah, I should be able to swing that.
All right.
Come on, let's grab a mop.
Sammy? You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Let's go.
That's when I got the drop on them and shot them both.
- You did good, sheriff.
- Here's the files.
Cause of death: Multiple gunshot wounds.
- I fingerprinted them for your records.
- Mind if we take a look at the bodies? Their bodies were sent to the funeral home for cremation.
As per their living wills and religious requirements.
Wow, that must be some kind of record.
They died last night.
You can contact the funeral home, they might still have the bodies.
As you know, once we do the autopsy, we're obliged to release You had the bodies destroyed? - What kind of backwater operation is this? - Hey, easy.
Forget about it.
No bodies, no paperwork, right? Someone once told me that was a good thing.
The good news still stands.
This case is closed.
Sam and Dean Winchester are dead.
The Winchester crime spree has come to a violent end in lowa where they were gunned down.
That should take the heat off, for now.
Thanks, Jody.
Couldn't have done it without you.
Anytime you need me to spill something, give me a call.
Actually, there is one more thing.
Don't open it, even if it starts talking.
Especially if it starts talking.
When you cross over Underhill Bridge, just toss it in the drink.
If you excuse me, I, uh, got a body to bury in cement.
Dad, seriously? Lying to the FBI, incinerating bodies, and this stuff? What the hell is it? Because it sure isn't blood.
You're right about that, sweetie.
It's much more than blood.
- I can explain.
- Don't bother.
It's Valente.
Yes, sir.
I'm with them now.
Well, unfortunately their heads are missing.
Huh? But the actual Winchesters are dead, yes? No, sir.
They're in the wind.
So all that brainpower, those resources, and those two are still on my to-do list? I'm sorry, sir.
We could grab some more DNA and double them again.
I like where your head's at, but sometimes less is more.
Those boys coming back from the dead again starts to strain credulity.
- Even for the American media, right? - Yes, sir.
I like a subtler approach.
Back to the vision board on this one.
Of course.
Secure the bodies and get back to the FBI.
We'll give this Winchester situation a good think.
Thanks, sir.
And, Valente, next time call me with a win, for your sake.
Please don't make me bib you.
Yes, sir.
I'm craving a latte.
Mind running across the street? Decaf, two pumps vanilla.
Grab yourself whatever you want.
Thank you, sir.
I thought it was time we met in person.
I'm Crowley.
I run hell.
Yes, of course.
I agree 100 percent, high time we met.
- A token.
- You shouldn't have.
I love a muffin.
One hundred percent organic baby uvulas.
So considerate.
- I'll cut to the chase, Mr.
- Please.
You and I control large interests that I feel strongly could meld to the benefit of all.
- You think? - I know.
Straight talk.
We should be friends, you and I.
Why? Why in the world would we be? Well, I brought you here, Dick.
I found the way to open the door to purgatory.
To steal every last soul, you mean.
You and that angel friend of yours.
Don't roofie me and call it romance.
I think you've got me wrong.
Now it's your turn to listen.
I'd sooner swim through hot garbage than shake hands with a bottom-feeding mutation like you.
You demons are ugly, lazy, gold-digging whores.
You're less than humans.
And they're not good for much till you dip them in garlic sauce.
I'd never work with you, Crowley.
If I wasn't busy with better things, I might wipe your kind from the face of the universe.
And you'd deserve it.
Are we clear? Keep the muffins.
DEAN: You sure you wanna dump these things? I'm thinking they might come in handy down the road.
What do you think? Hey.
What? What is it? Talk.
- Nothing.
- Well, that's convincing.
Look, did Monster R Us give you the jeebs? I gotta be honest, I ain't looking in the mirror for a while myself.
You really wanna know what's wrong? Yeah.
Yeah, you know my motto: Here to help.
Here to help.
Kind of like you helped Amy? - Listen, Sam - Don't Don't lie to me again.
You know what, don't even talk to me.
Yeah, I can't.
You know what, Dean? I can't.
- You can't what? - I can't talk to you right now.
Dean, I can't even be around you right now.
Okay, so? So I think you should just go on without me.
All right.
Sorry, Sam.