Supernatural s09e05 Episode Script

Dog Dean Afternoon

Sammy's hurt.
He's hurt real bad.
This one goes out to any angel with their ears on.
This is Dean Winchester And I need your help.
Start with a name.
There is a chance I can fix your brother.
How will it work? I heal Sam while healing myself.
Sam can eject me at any time.
And if Sam does eject me, he will die.
Then we keep it a secret for now.
I just got to hope that you're one of the good guys.
I am.
Zeke! You can bring her back like you did with Cass.
I cannot keep doing that.
Why the hell not?! Every time I use my power, it weakens me.
Merry Christmas.
Dad wants us to pick up where he left off -- saving people, hunting things The family business.
Becky, it's all real.
I knew it! Nipples? I mean, come on.
We hunt monsters! Why am I here?! I mean, normal people, they see a monster, and they run.
But not us -- no, no, no.
We search out things that want to kill us.
It's real.
No, no, no.
Now you die.
You know who does that? Crazy people! I'm Batman.
Weare insane! I lost my shoe.
That was scary.
And with a 1:20 left in the game, it's 62-54.
This team wants that championship.
It would be great.
He's up.
It's good, but the ref's on the whistle.
He's calling a foul.
It could be charging.
Number 10 -- he's not happy about that.
This guy just about could foul out, and nobody but the ref wants to see that happen.
Coach Johnson watching the clock.
He calls time-out.
Talking to the ref right now.
You know, so far in this game, there have been a number of fouls called by this particular ref, and that's not Easy, Colonel.
Is anyone here? Whoa! Gets me every time.
What's the matter, boy? It's me.
What the hell? Wow.
What? Kevin.
Just poured some buffalo milk down his gob twice.
Buffalo milk? Yeah, the hangover cure-all.
It's got everything in it.
Except buffalo milk.
How is that kid still recovering from Branson? What can I say? He's an amateur.
The slippery nipple shots at the Dolly Parton Dixie Stampede nearly killed the guy.
All right.
Well, uh, I got something that's gonna get us back on the road.
A case? Yeah.
You sure you're ready for that? Why would I not be ready for that? Aren't you kind of running on empty? Yeah, but the last three nights straight, I had eight hours of shut-eye.
And for a hunter, that's like 20.
Trust me, Dean.
I feel good.
Well, that's great and all, James Brown, but you're still recovering from the trials.
I think you ought to pace yourself, you know? And the sooner you heal Yeah? I just want you back to your old self.
I am, Dean.
Look, Kevin's back on the heaven spell.
Crowley's locked up.
We should be out there doing what we do best.
Well You want to listen at least? Okay, great.
Taxidermist named Max Alexander mysteriously crushed to death.
Nearly every joint in his body dislocated, every bone broken.
Poor guy is a human pretzel.
You tell me what's got that kind of strength.
A demonic Luchador? Shop's a couple hours away in Enid, Oklahoma.
We should at least check it out.
Unless there's some reason you think we shouldn't.
Check that out.
Well, the creep factor just skyrocketed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
How are you? Agents Michaels and Deville.
The body's already been to the morgue.
Just wrapping it up with Dave Stephens.
He's the one who discovered the body.
Such a shame.
I used to go hunting with Max.
He was a real good egg.
Sorry for your loss.
You mind showing my partner around? I just got a couple questions for Mr.
Come on.
Dave Stephens? Yeah.
I just got a couple questions for you if that's all right.
I'll tell you whatever you need to know.
Max was aa real pal.
Hunting buddy? Mm.
Eh, lucky guess.
So, uh, about what time did you discover the body? About 9:00 a.
-- my usual pickup time.
I come in every Wednesday and Sundays, uh, to collect the entrails.
The what? The animal organs.
After Max would, uh, dig them out and work his magic.
He, uh -- he was a real artist, you know? Strange thing is, though, uh, bins were empty this morning.
Why is that strange? Well, because it's a Sunday.
Weekend hunts are pretty much a given in this neck of the woods, so they're usually, mm, chock-full of guts.
Any chance Max could have cleaned them out himself? No.
It's a -- it's a biohazard.
You can't just, you know, throw the stuff out.
You got to burn it.
Is there, uh, anything else missing from the shop? No.
The register was full, and the safe was intact.
And all of Max's trophies were still on the walls.
And was there anybody else here when you showed up? No one.
No, other than, uh The Colonel.
Excuse us.
So? Okay, so, uh We got a thief who's jonesing for animal parts, we got a pagan symbol, and we got a human pretzel.
Yeah, it all sounds very witch-y, but I wasn't able to find a hex bag.
All right, well, let's keep digging.
But, uh, not here.
I don't like the way that one's looking at me.
Okay, uh, thatsymbol in the graffiti, it'snot wiccan.
It's copywritten.
Local animal-rights group, Enid's answer to PETA.
? You got to be kidding me.
Well, it makes sense that an animal-rights group would have an axe to grind with a taxidermist.
Why? The animal's already dead.
Yeah, but hunters are what keep them in business.
Now the question is, are those bleeding hearts actually witches or just hippies? What's the difference? Always knew I'd find the source of all evil at a vegan bakery.
What's that smell? Patchouli.
Yeah, mixed with depression from meat deprivation.
You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people.
And douchebags.
Olivia and Dylan Camrose? At your service.
You two are members of s.
? Founders and co-presidents, actually.
Uh, can we interest you in some literature? Or a flaxseed scone? It's wheat-free, gluten-free, sugar-free, and surprisingly moist.
Let me stop you right there.
Uh, we're here to investigate the death of Max Alexander, a local taxidermist.
He'sdead? You knew him? Ish.
Umsmall town.
Well, he was murdered last night, and a S.
logo was found at the crime scene.
You two wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you? His business is funded by hunters, and you know how hunters are.
They're selfish dicks who define themselves by what they kill.
And as animal advocates, we couldn't stand for that.
So, you killed him? Of course not.
doesn't tolerate violence.
This coming from a couple who spray-paints death threats.
It was a scare tactic.
We just wanted to spook him.
Turns out we were the ones who got spooked.
What does that mean? Well, last night, when we were tagging the joint, we heard this noise.
A hissing noise.
It freaked us out, so we ran out into the alley.
But someone attacked us.
Sprayed us in the eyes with mace.
And it's not like we could go to the cops.
So, now we look like total douchebags because we have to wear our sunglasses inside.
Necrosis? Premature death of tissues -- that's why their eyes were all messed up.
And it's not caused by mace.
All right.
What caused it? Right here.
"Blunt force, radiation, venom.
" As in "snake"? The taxidermist was constricted.
Olivia and Dylan heard hissing, and they were sprayed in the eyes.
By venom.
By venom.
Okay, so What are we talking here, some sort of a freaky-ass snake monster? Maybe.
The weird thing is snakes either envenomate or constrict.
No snake does both.
Correction -- freaky-ass mega-snake monster.
It could be a Vetala.
Yeah, but they're not afraid to sink their fangs in.
Taxidermist was bite-free.
It doesn't really fit the profile.
So? So, call Kevin.
Have him look some stuff up.
Aren't you early, dude? Hmm.
Dude! You said you were from a perfume company.
No! No, please! Claw marks.
The cops said all the cats went missing.
Right, so, yesterday, uh, we're dealing with some sort of a snake monster.
Today, it's a killer kitty.
I don't know.
Why does that mutt look familiar? That was the taxidermist's dog.
So, he's been at both crime scenes? Yeah.
Maybe he's a suspect.
You know may-- Could be a skinwalker, maybe a shapeshifter.
Doesn't really look like a monster to me.
One way to find out.
Come here, boy.
This isn't gonna hurt at all.
Unless it hurts.
I guess we can, uh, rule out killer.
Do you agents need any further assistance? Officer, I think we're okay.
All right, well, let me know.
Excuse me.
Uh, can I borrow your hat? Good luck getting adopted.
Okay, so, the Colonel's not a suspect.
Yeah, but he's a witness.
Hey, boy.
You speak sign language? That's monkeys.
Huh? You know what? This is gonna sound crazy.
I read this book once about this guy who tried to teach his dog to speak after it witnessed a murder.
It worked? No.
But he wrote a book about it? Yeah, well, he doesn't have what we have.
Hey, it's me.
How do we speak to a dog? An Inuit spell.
Who knew the, uh, Men of Letters had its own Eskimo section? And it's supposed to let us communicate with the Colonel? Yeah, wellthat's the plan.
Kevin said it's like a sort of a human/animal mind meld.
Meaning? If it works, we should be able to read the Colonel's thoughts.
All right, I'll do it.
You -- you got enough on your plate.
Like what? Uh, likeyou're tired.
You're on the mend.
Okay? Plus, you -- you've got a sensitive stomach.
Last thing we need is you chucking this stuff up.
Huh? Doesn't look so bad.
I was wrong.
Come on.
Ha! "Deila hér me.
Dag eru nou rar vitur orum.
" All right.
Let's get this party started.
Tell me everything you know.
What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Tough crowd.
I got to take a little time So, call Kevin.
A little time to think things over spell tasted like ass and was a bust.
At least it didn't affect your appetite.
Change the station.
I better read between the lines Change the station.
In case I need it when I'm older What? What? You -- shut up.
It's working! It -- go! Ohh Say that again.
You call this classic rock? Next thing you know, they'll be playing Styx.
Now this mountain I must climb And Dennis DeYoung? A punk.
Dennis DeYoung's not a punk.
He's Mr.
Roboto, bitch.
Why are you arguing with the dog about Styx? Wh-- uh, yeah.
Um, hey, boy.
What were you trying to tell us about the cowboy hat? The douchewheel who killed my best friend was wearing a cowboy hat.
And the pothead, too? Yep.
Same guy killed both.
In my life Ask about the cats.
Yeah, uh -- There's been heartache and pain And what about the cats? I don't know I don't know.
I don't want this.
I couldn't see much.
I didn't exactly have the best view in the orphanage.
Oh, but I could smell him.
Guy reeked of red meat, dishwashing detergent and tiger balm.
So, what's he saying? Uh, that the -- the guy, he smelled like ground chuck and soap suds and old-lady cream.
Dean, what are you doing? I want you to show me I don't know.
Oh, what are you laughing at? Uh Hey! Hey, hey! Yeah! You! You! Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, you! You! You! You! Uh, Dean? Hmm? I think the spell worked.
Fact, I think it worked a little too well.
What? I think you might be a dog.
What? You're scratching your head.
You'rebarking at the mailman.
You're playing fetch.
I -- Ruh-roh.
No, that -- okay.
All right.
So, apparently, the Inuit spell has some side effects.
Oh, well, that would have been nice to know before I downed it! What kind of side effects? When you mind meld with an animal, it'spossible to start exhibiting some of its behavior.
Don't look at me, Hoss.
It ain't my fault.
Well, how long am I gonna have the urge to Sniff butts? Oh, whoa.
I don't have the urge to sniff butts.
Do you really h-have the -- No! Come on! Well, Kevin doesn't know how long it'll last.
It's not like it's an exact science, you know? But hopefully, when the spell wears off, so will the side effects.
I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
Chocolate? Seriously.
Where we headed? Back to the shelter.
To sniff out more clues, maybe dig up something we missed? All right, one more doggy pun out of you, and I'm gonna have your nuts clipped.
I hate to break it to you, Hoss.
My sack's emptier than Santa's after Christmas.
Aw, are you kidding me? Hey, dick move, pigeon! Screw you, asshat.
Did -- what? Wait a minute.
Can I hear all animals? Yep.
Animals have a universal language -- like esperanto.
But this one actually caught on.
And I'm just getting started, too.
Brewing a real big one.
Bet your ride's gonna look sweet in white.
What's he saying? You -- he's being a douchebag! Who you calling "douchebag," douchebag? Oh, shut it, you winged rat! Dude.
What? Hey.
Just calm down.
Just get in the car.
Ha ha.
That's right, Sally.
Go cry to mama.
Oh, that's it, you son of a bitch! Ooh! Dean! Hey! Get in the car.
I think it's probably best to just leave the Colonel in the car.
Excuse me? Well all the windows are open.
You think we like that? "We"? You think because the windows are open that that's some sort of a treat, huh? No, the dog's coming in.
uh-huh Yeah, baby.
Ohh You said it.
Ooh Dean.
So, what else can you tell me about the man with the cowboy hat? Honestly, I couldn't see much.
Damn cataracts.
And you know no one's going to pay for my surgery.
Just another casualty of the system, I guess.
I don't belong here, you know.
I'm pedigreed.
Well, I'm sure you'll be out of here soon.
I'm 14.
Good luckMa'am.
Once a day they clean these cages.
Once a day! Okay.
A biscuit.
Just one biscuit.
I need a Raquel Welch poster and a rock hammer.
I'm shaking the fence, boss.
Still shaking the fence.
- Over here! - I was framed! Any luck? Hardly.
And I'm not getting any clues -- just a bunch of complaints.
Hey, pretty boy.
Over here.
Yeah, uh, sorry, pal.
I'm done for the day.
But I saw everything! And I'll tell you, but It'll cost you.
What? Are you kidding me? I'm being extorted by a dog.
Well, what do you want, huh? What? Beggin' strips? Snausages? Bitch, please.
If I'm gonna rat someone out, it's got to be worth my while.
I wanta belly rub.
You -- All right.
Not from you, sweetie.
From that big one.
Over there.
Hi! Ohh, a-a cowboy hat, leather pants.
The dude's a total closet case.
Okay, what else can you tell me about the guy other than his outfit? Um, he was carrying a burlap sack for the cats.
What does he want with the cats? Ooh, attaboy, yes.
Hell if I know.
But he took all of them, except for the one he ate.
What? Apparently, our guy has a sweet tooth for kitty cats.
Oh, and the sack had something written on it.
Okay, what did it say? Hey, come on.
We had a deal.
Well, you tell that to the tall drink.
He's the one who stopped rubbing.
Hand cramps.
He's not talking.
It said "Avant-Garde Cuisine.
" Lucky for you, I read French.
That's a café on Main Street.
"No dogs allowed.
" Well, no wonder he smelled like hamburgers and dish soap.
We got to go downtown.
Apparently our guy works at a restaurant.
Whoa-oh, yeah.
No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Sure you don't want to adopt me? No, thanks.
Uh, we'll pass.
No, I'm not above licking feet.
Hey, big'un! Come back here! All right.
Well Hey, hold up.
What's the matter? Best belly rub I ever had.
Freedom! I left a surprise in there for animal control.
I didn't peg you for a softy.
Going home.
I'm going home.
Honey, I'm coming home.
Yeah, I'm coming home.
I'm going home! Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! Bacon! I'm sorry.
Who can afford to be closed on Monday these days? A homicidal maniac? Yeah.
Check this out.
Chef Leo.
Think he's our guy? It's Okie town.
Lots of dudes wear cowboy hats.
Oxycodone, tramadol, methadone.
Oh, guess he likes to cook comfortably numb.
Yeah, apparently.
Help us.
Please, mister.
Over here.
Did you hear that? Sounded like little kids.
If you don't free us, the chef will eat us.
She's not lying.
We're in a cage! Eat you? Look in the refrigerator behind you.
Yeah, behind you.
In the fridge.
"Owl brains.
" "Cheetah liver.
" "Grizzly heart.
" Ah, a spell book.
Well, what's a chef doing dabbling with witchcraft? It says here whatever animal organ you ingest with the right mix of hoo doo and spices, you temporarily gain the power of that animal.
So, okay, if you're munching on owl brains Your head spins around like "The Exorcist"? Close.
Bolsters your IQ.
Okay, eat a cheetah liver for speed, bear heart for strength.
Okay, so if he's chowing down on this stuff -- Then it would make sense why he constricted the taxidermist and clawed the guy at the shelter.
Well, no offense, but why would he want to eat you guys? Uh, we have collapsible spines.
We do.
Look at this.
Hmm? "Lion liver plus eagle heart.
"Rattlesnake fangs plus anaconda bladder.
Baboon brains plus black widow abdomen.
" He's mixing ingredients.
What the hell for? Shoo! Quiet! Don't shush me! You be quiet! I am quite.
Who the hell are you? We're from the health department.
Stopped by for an inspection.
I wasn't aware we had one scheduled.
Yeah, no, you wouldn't be.
That's the point.
Besides, I thought you were closed.
We are.
Chef's having a private dinner.
In fact, he'll be here any minute.
Well, then.
In that case, kitchen's shut down.
Shut down? Why? Because, uh, y-you're both in clear violation of penal code 8.
Come on.
Get out.
Both of you.
We'll let you know.
All right.
I'll take the front.
You take the back.
Do we even know how to kill this guy? Well, empty one of these in his head.
See what that does.
Aah! Chameleons aren't that bad.
Kind of taste like chicken.
How the hell did you do that? D-do what? Don't play coy.
I want to know what you are.
Oh, screw the sharktopus.
You're my main course.
Why does it smell like dog in here? That smell's coming from you.
All dogs should be leashed.
What did you do to my brother? Your brother? What was your mom smoking when she had you two? He's fine.
He's just taking a little cat nap before dinner.
I've never had human heart before.
Heard it's a bit chewy.
Good job I'm not a fussy eater.
You're sick.
Been told that once or twice.
No, no.
Not in the head.
I, uh -- well, you are that, too, but I mean sick like cancer.
Well, I guess dogs really can sniff it out.
Stage IV carcinoma.
So that's why you're doing this.
What happened? Draw the short straw, decided to break bad? See, when I was diagnosed, I was way past standard treatment.
No one could save me.
But then with the help of a Pawnee shaman and a zoo membership, I found a cure, albeit a temporary one.
Cancer always came back.
You start experimenting with different organs, huh? Traded in the single serving for a combo platter.
Well, what can I say? Combination therapy works.
I felt stronger, and the effects lasted longer.
And if you smoke a few innocent people in the process, well, hell, at least you felt better.
Well, I didn't mean to kill anyone -- at first.
But if people got in my way, they became collateral damage.
Guess you eat enough predators, you start to become one.
You are what you eat, right? Do you really think the power you hold over other people's lives can make up for what you lack in your own? So, dog boy, what do I need to eat to take you down, huh? You don't want to do this.
Oh, but I do want to do this.
See, I'm gonna kill you, work up a nice appetite, and then I'm gonna eat your brother.
I mean, I don't know what the hell he is, but with healing powers like that, who cares? He could cure me.
Dog on sort-of dog.
Rahuraar, sakuriisat iisat a ti'pah kaawakit.
'A tarahkista'u a raah.
Wolf trumps dog.
But not a whole pack.
For the love of God, Sammy.
Hey, Sammy.
Whoever the hell you are.
Come on.
Don't make me lick your damn face.
Come on.
When you called us about adopting him, we couldn't believe it.
Aren't you the sweetest? Ugh.
Back off, tofu-breath.
Oh, you must be starving.
Lucky for you, I baked some vegan doggy cupcakes.
I'm gonna be pooping wheatgrass with these two.
Look, I know they're hippie freaks, but they're gonna give you a good home -- one that you deserve.
Yeah, yeah.
Wish we could take you on the road with us, but it's no life for a dog.
Don't sweat it.
I get carsick anyway.
I was afraid to tell you earlier, but I barfed in your backseat.
You What? I'm gonna miss you, buddy.
I'll miss you, too.
And by the way, as an honorary dog, there's something you should know.
Dog's aren't really man's best friend.
What are you talking about? I know it sounds like a conspiracy theory, but the real reason we were put here was to Put here to do what? Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Oh, now the spell wears off?! Okay.
How did it go? Well, bad news is I'm gonna miss the flea bag.
Good news is it looks like the spell is finally wearing off.
You okay? The Stetson man got you pretty good.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I-I just, uh I can't stop thinking about what he said.
Oh, come on, Sammy.
Guy was out of his freaking gourd.
Yeah, but, I mean, why -- why would he ask that? Why -- why did he want to know what I was? Who the hell knows? He was all jacked up on juice, you know? He was possessed by -- by something he couldn't control.
It was It was just a matter of time before it completely took over.
You can't reason with crazy, right? I don't know.
Well, I do.
Trust me, Sam.
You got nothing to worry about.

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