Superstore (2015) s05e06 Episode Script


1 [indistinct chatter.]
Order in the store.
[gavel banging.]
It's a it's a judge thing.
All: Ah.
Anyway, our new district manager is gonna be visiting today so I've thrown together some fun Halloween events.
First, we're gonna be handing out goodie bags to the kids.
Uh, Sandra, can you take the lead on that? - Yes.
- Glenn and Garrett, you two are gonna be managing the haunted house in the garden center.
Aww, man, then I won't get to hear Jonah lecture us on whatever dumb metaphor his costume's supposed to be.
Uh, actually, I got tired of explaining my costume every year, so this year, I'm just gonna be a good old-fashioned cowboy.
We get it.
You're herding us to the polls because no one here votes.
- No, really, I'm - Don't be stupid.
He's obviously toxic American masculinity.
Actually, I I like that better.
I'm switching to that.
Um, should we be selling these? Didn't they just find another cut-off foot right around here? Oh, it's awful.
I'm an empath so things like that really affect me.
I just wish they would catch the guy already.
Why are you assuming it's a guy? Maybe St.
Louis finally has a female serial killer.
Oh, yeah.
About time.
Uh, hello, glass ceiling? Ya shattered.
Sorry I'm late.
- [all gasping, murmuring.]
- Wow.
Hard to get in my car in this thing, but guess who's winning our costume contest? Oh, by the way, there will be no costume contest this year.
What? Corporate didn't want to approve another racial sensitivity training.
Tita Irma spent an hour this morning sewing me into this.
You're sewed into that? How are you gonna use the bathroom? There's actually a lot of padding in here, so [all murmuring in disgust.]
[upbeat music.]
Find skeleton bones outside on the pavement And torture chambers down in the basement And we've done a really good job of organizing employees at other stores.
Oh, I pulled so many digits.
'Cause you were in charge of getting everyone's contact info.
Point is, we almost have enough cards signed to unionize.
This is great, guys.
We're gonna be a union.
[all cheering.]
- [shushing.]
- Ooh, this sounds fun.
Did Sayid reach a new level of Pokémon? My girlfriend made me quit.
We were just talking about the u nicorn union.
No, just just unicorns.
Um, you guys, you know I'm pro-union.
Why wouldn't you just tell me about the meeting? We quit telling you weeks ago because you're management.
I mean, she doesn't need healthcare.
She's got a drawer full of Band-Aids in her desk.
Okay, I paid for those Band-Aids, and they're for everybody.
- Can I have one? - Do you have a cut? Ah, see? There's always a catch.
Look, the union rep just said that in order to be safe, we should probably keep management at, like, you know, a distance, and obviously you're not, like, a "manager" manager or anything, but, you know, still.
Oh, you want me to leave.
Obviously, I don't want that.
- I clearly that's not - Really? - 'Cause it kinda seems - No, no, we're just trying like you're trying to get me out of the door but Oh, my God, they're so cute when they bicker.
- No, no, we're not.
- We're that's That's no.
All right, go ahead.
Have fun in there.
Don't steal anything.
[Halloween music plays over speakers.]
It's my first Halloween since the diabetes.
You're so lucky you don't have a family.
You could eat yourself to death and no one would care.
I mean, it's okay.
I guess I'll just be here all day watching you eat that.
Works for me.
- You know what? - Oh! I'm just gonna get rid of it, you know, - to save us from being tempted.
- What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Whoa! No, it's best for both of us, not to mention this guy.
Hey, man, don't touch my tummy! Okay, Halloween question.
If anyone in our store was chopping off feet Glenn.
Well, it's always the churchy ones who snap first.
Really? What about Garrett? 'Cause, you know, he's a sneaker guy and you know where people keep their sneakers.
Glenn? Garrett? Really? Did you see those crime scene photos? That foot was a precision cut.
I'm thinking a reciprocating meat saw.
Oh, you've given this foot chopper a lot of thought.
Oh, they're not just cutting off feet.
If you ask me, they're dismembering whole bodies.
Sure, they're releasing the feet, but there's a trophy room somewhere with heads, hands, and select genitals.
You don't think that, uh yeah, no.
But do you? What, that Dina's a serial killer? [laughing.]
No, no.
- I mean, that would be insane.
- Yeah.
Oh, but also kinda.
Right? Well, I just hate having to be so out of it, especially now that we're so close to the finish line.
It's like this union is my baby and I don't even get to drop it off at college.
- Our baby.
- Okay, yeah, sure.
I mean, you help, obviously, and I so appreciate it, and I love that you have a connection with the baby.
Are we still talking about the - The union, yeah.
Of course.
- Right, yeah.
Look, it's it's almost done.
You don't have to worry.
I mean, I'm meeting with somebody later today from Fenton to get the last of the signed cards, and then - [knocking.]
- Knock, knock.
Oh, hey.
Uh, new DM.
- Yes.
- Jonah.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Hi, nice to meet you, too.
Amy was just telling me about some - of her favorite RBG dissents.
- Uh-huh.
Yep, and I said all of them, so dismissed.
Amy Sosa.
So nice to meet you.
You too! I just thought it would be a fun day to come by and meet you guys now that I'm taking over for Laurie.
Yeah, yeah.
She she left kind of suddenly, huh? Did that have anything to do with her, um - Her hobbies? - You mean her coke habit? - Oh, um, I wow.
That - It's okay.
- We're all talking about it.
- Okay.
At the last retreat, she was so coked up, she roundhouse kicked the CEO into the omelet station.
- No.
- Yeah.
[both laughing.]
Did anybody get a video of that? Girl, I wish! [both laughing.]
No, but seriously, it's very sad.
Yeah, no, I really hope she gets the help she needs.
Aww, I left my cell phone in the garden center.
Well, I'm just spitballing here, but maybe you could just go in and get it? Yeah.
Haunted houses are a little loaded for me.
When I was a kid, my dad took me to Skele-Tony's Spook Shack, and I accidentally let go of his hand and I couldn't find my way out for 45 minutes.
I ended up eating the spaghetti brains and grape eyeballs just to survive.
So because of that traumatic snack, you're too scared to go into the garden center that we saw Elias decorate with crepe paper? No, no.
That'd be silly.
Of course I can go in there.
But you know what'd be easier? I can check my voice-mail remotely.
Go into the store, use the phone, dial nine for an outside line, call my cell phone, press star, and then enter my password.
Easy peasy.
[Halloween rock music.]
I am Maya, the new DM.
Hi, I'm Garrett.
Nice costume.
Yeah, we both know I just threw on the first thing that I found in the store, okay? [laughs.]
Me, too.
- [all laughing.]
- Excuse me.
I mean, that looks pretty elaborate.
Well, you know, it was just sitting in the front of the store, so I just grabbed it.
Um, could you excuse me for just a minute? - And Crestwood came around - Hey! [gasps.]
Hey, lady! Hey! I saw you walk in and I thought, "Is that Kelly?" 'Cause Jonah mentioned that someone from Fenton was coming to meet him, but he didn't say who.
So yeah, Kelly brought the union cards so we got Fenton! - Yay! - Whoo! He also didn't mention that this was gonna be happening in the store on the same day that our new district manager is here, but I guess this is your thing now and it's not really up to me to make better choices.
- [gasps.]
Hey, lady! - Kelly! - Hi.
- [Laughing.]
Oh, hello! Oh, no.
You two are wearing a couple's costume.
- Both: Oh.
- [Blows raspberry.]
- I guess it does, uh - Well, that's - funny.
- Look like that.
Well, one of you definitely has to change.
Oh, Kelly, you can switch costumes with Amy.
Wait, no, that's not gonna work because Amy's so much bigger.
Okay, Sandra, we're good on the costumes.
Thank you.
It's just so funny that Jonah never mentioned that you guys are working together.
Um, yeah.
I guess I just I didn't know if it was it'd be weird or Weird? Why would it be weird? 'Cause it's Kelly? It's it's Kelly.
She's my she's my lady.
The only weird thing is that you didn't tell me.
Well, it's not really, like, a big deal.
Because I'm already so out of - the loop with the union stuff.
- And plus it was like - a few phone calls - So it's kind of a bummer to find out this way that the two of you are raising my baby.
You guys, I am dying right now.
Oh, wow.
You finally flipped Simon.
Yeah, I told him that thing you said about union being spelled with U and I.
Oh, you mean the quote he got from the pamphlet I gave him? Here you are.
I got to know some of your people.
- Huh.
- Justine invited me to her erotic sip 'n' paint.
You don't want anything to do with that.
Kelly? Kelly, right? Yeah, I met you at the Fenton store.
Uh, yeah.
I'm just - She's here because - Well, uh - They're dating.
- Oh, that's great.
Yeah, she comes over every day and and they have coffee.
- Aren't they cute? - So cute.
Did you notice their couples costumes? Yep.
She's my cowgirl.
Ride 'em, cowgirl.
I mean, like, ride a horse, not Jonah.
That would be inappropriate for work.
Well, I was just about to grab some coffee anyway.
Why don't we all go? - It's on me.
- That would be so fun.
So fun.
Glenn, do you want me to go in and get your phone? I mean, if you're going in there anyway [exhales.]
Haunted house.
Already been in there a ton.
Sick of it.
Oh, thank God.
How was it? [dazed.]
It was pretty cool.
Are you crying blood? Huh? Huh.
Yeah, I guess I am.
I'm sure it has nothing to do with what I just saw or experienced.
Elias did a great job with the crepe paper, though.
D did you find my phone? - I - Never mind.
[clears throat.]
So okay, St.
Louis talk.
What's this toasted ravioli everyone's talking about? Mmm, T-ravs.
They are great.
You gotta try 'em.
You should go to Stephano's.
Kelly and I used to go all the time and and still do, you know, past and present.
Oh, I've never even heard of the place.
Which, I mean, makes sense.
There's so much Jonah doesn't tell me.
Uh, Kelly does a great, uh, Stephano impersonation.
All right.
He's like, um, [in Midwest accent.]
"Oh, our toasted ravioli's been written up in the pay-per.
" [laughs.]
And that's it.
Uh, when you do go, um, you should try out this gelato place - about a block away.
- Yeah.
Wow, a second stop on one date.
Who's got that kind of time, right? Well, when you don't have kids to come home to, y not that having kids is, uh, bad.
That's I I actually wish I were dating someone with kids.
I love this.
You can see why I come here every day.
My bad.
I got it.
Let me just excuse me, sir.
You're good, you're good.
Okay, there's no way Dina's a serial killer.
She's head of security.
Rules are her life.
Yeah, and "don't kill" is, like, such a big rule.
Plus, she's a vegan, okay? She doesn't even kill to eat, which is insane, because I would totally eat a lamb alive.
You're right.
She's the last person who'd be a serial killer.
[soft music playing over speakers.]
Although, it is always the last person who you'd think.
[The Cranberries' "Zombie".]
In your head In your head, zombie This has been great.
You have a really fun store.
And you two, hit me up for the next Stephano's trip, okay? - Oh, absolutely.
- Will do.
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Bye.
So many other reasons I could have been in this store.
It's the first thing that came to my mind, and you're the ones wearing the same clothes.
Look, the most important thing is that at least wait, where are the cards? Oh, I hid them in one of those orange bags - when Maya came in.
- You mean the goodie bags? There's enough for everyone.
Just form a line.
Where are your parents? It's just a garden center.
It's just a garden center.
Just walking into the garden center.
[in proper English accent.]
Pardon me, sir.
Are you Glenn Sturgis? Yeah.
Why? They told me to tell you: don't go in there.
Who said don't - who said that do you? - [Shushes.]
Glenn, who you talking to? Th this boy, did you he said that I had to What's going on, dude? Yeah, I think I'm gonna head to my car and read my Bible for a bit.
Great job.
Didn't ask for the accent, though.
It was a swing.
I thought it worked.
You already gave out all the bags? They were out of control.
I said one per kid, but Amy, some took two.
Hey, uh, let me see what's in that bag, please.
No way! You're, like, 40! Buy your own candy! Hey, that kind of aggression is exactly why people are turning on your sport.
Soccer is coming for you! Okay.
Thank you so much.
Why are you checking bags? Um, because okay, here's the deal.
The push for the union never really stopped, and so the cards from Fenton ended up in these goodie bags and they've all been given away.
Oh, wow.
Well, listen.
Company policy states that I need to report any union activity to my manager, so there's been union activity.
Now that my hands are clean, I'll go check the security footage.
Thank you, Dina.
Oh, hey, Kelly.
Couple's costume with Jonah? That's a weird choice.
- It's not a couple's costume.
- It's a coincidence.
Dracula was putting on moon tan lotion Gnarly dude is what the Hey, Cheyenne, I need help going over some security footage.
Oh, okay.
No, you have a child.
I'll go, Dina.
You don't work for me anymore.
Cheyenne, come on.
Let me just call Bo really quick.
You know, not to say good-bye or anything but just to say hey and good-bye and stuff.
Oh, uh, or you could take Marcus.
Marcus! Security office, now! Yep, just give me a second.
If I run too fast, I become airborne.
Thank you.
You know, Kelly, you didn't have to change your costume.
And you didn't have to say I was Jonah's girlfriend, yet here we are.
Hey, sorry.
Just took off my costume real quick.
The cowboy hat was itchy.
Oh, my God, you two are Danny and Sandy from "Grease"! "Summer Lovin'," right? Amy, you need to go change into leather Sandy right now.
All right, no bags in housewares.
Are you getting anything, Marcus? I gotta be honest, about 60% of my vision's blocked by the dragon head.
You're exuding, like, a wet heat.
I know.
It's the dragon smoke function.
Now you're fogging up the screen.
- I can't control it.
- Oh, this is doing nothing.
- It's just moving it around.
- Yeah.
[both coughing.]
Okay, this is it.
There's no one in there now.
Just a chance for me to face my fears head-on.
- Yes, go for it.
- [screaming.]
Well [key turning.]
[clears throat.]
Good luck, buddy.
[exhales deeply.]
Sorry, haunted house is closed.
I think we found the cards.
Well, I found them.
Marcus knocked all my felt tips on the floor, some of them lost their caps, and now it's just a race against the clock - until they dry out.
- Dina, where are the cards? I saw footage of Maya grabbing - a goodie bag on her way out.
- What? No! She left, like, 20 minutes ago.
Actually, no.
She stopped in housewares and had what looked like a very emotional moment with Brett, then she went to grocery.
Picked up eggs and bell peppers.
I think it's a Denver omelet night.
Dina, where is she now? She just went out to the parking lot.
Well, we need to stop her.
Amy, wait! Do I still need to be a part of this? Because, I hate to keep beating the same drum, - but the felt tips - I'll get you new felt tips! I don't want new felt tips! I have perfectly good felt tips on my floor! Sorry.
It's just me.
Not a carjacker.
- I didn't mean to startle you.
- It's okay.
It's just that, um, we need you back in the store.
Why? Attention, everyone.
Give it up for the winner of our Halloween costume contest, - Maya! Whoo, whoo! - [cheers and applause.]
So there is a contest, and cat ears won it? Okay, you don't need to suck up to the new DM.
What? No.
No, girl.
You won.
You look good and you better get your prize, which is Which is, uh, this, um, bottle of Sprite! Are you [bleep.]
kidding me? [scraping.]
You don't think she's gonna wait in the back - of someone's car and then - No.
But we should probably check to see if the killer has a history of breaking into cars 'cause Oh, my God.
They found another foot.
- [gasps.]
- Out in Richmond Heights.
Really? [laughs.]
Apparently it's fresh.
Some guy's probably bleeding out as we speak.
Oh, that's amazing.
It can't be Dina.
We've been watching her all day.
Such good news.
I'm so glad the killer struck today.
Not that I thought it was her, but I know.
I mean, she's weird, - but she's not a criminal.
- No.
[both chuckling.]
And look at these cat ears.
Amazing! I think it says back here they were, uh, made in Taiwan.
Have you ever been to Taiwan? Amy, is there a second place? Because I am drenched in urine.
Okay, um, maybe we wrap this up.
Uh, I am so honored to receive this Sprite, especially because so many of you had such great costumes here.
You know, like these two.
They had multiple couples costumes.
Are they cute or what? Jonah and Kelly aren't a couple.
Yeah, Jonah's in love with Amy.
- Wait, what? - What? I don't know.
That's Jonah, is that true? It's true.
I love her.
Um, sorry, Kelly.
I I probably should have told you before telling the entire store, but I am breaking up with you.
Okay, it seems like I should give you guys a little privacy.
- Uh - Uh, no, no, no, because I need to explain more to you, Kelly.
Uh, you're a great gal, but, uh, Amy and I just have a connection.
I hate coming to this stupid store.
I'm really gonna go now.
You can't because the costume contest is not over yet.
And now it's done! Another round of applause for Maya the Cat.
- Man.
- [sighs.]
Garrett, help! [Banging.]
The doors are stuck! Oh, I should have listened to that English boy.
Hang on.
[cell phone ringing.]
Hey, Garrett.
It's Glenn from work.
Um, first of all, I found my phone.
Uh, anyway, if you get this, I am stuck in the haunted house, so, um, call me back.
All right, bye-bye.
- Help! Somebody! - [banging.]
- [glass shattering.]
- Oh! [breathing heavily.]
Honestly, I've seen scarier.
- [groans.]
- That was exhausting.
Yeah, well, breakups are exhausting.
Um so the cards are all here.
- Great.
- But also some empty candy wrappers.
Okay, well [stammers.]
Let's not panic.
Maybe she just, um, reached in and grabbed some candy and didn't see the cards, or or maybe those candies are from somewhere else and she just ditched the wrappers in there.
Or maybe she saw the cards.
But if she saw the cards, she would have said something.
Yeah, I mean, definitely.
Right? [door opens.]
Hey, so Maya left her Sprite.
- Just take it.
- Yes! We did it, Tita! Your boy won! [quirky music.]

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