Superstore (2015) s05e07 Episode Script

Shoplifter Rehab

1 I oversold it, didn't I? I always do that.
I should have just said, "It's a good show.
Maybe you'll like it.
" It just made me uncomfortable.
I already have enough trouble as a working mom.
I don't need to feel bad that I'm not also a KGB agent.
Tell me again that Maya didn't see the union cards.
She's the district manager.
If she had seen them, she would have said something.
Besides, you know, even if she did, it's too late now.
The union train has left the station, baby! A, that's just too much for 8:00 a.
, and B, it's not too late for her to fire me.
Nobody's getting fired.
Get out of your head.
You just have to co Maya! - Hey, Maya's here.
- Yeah.
Hey, guys, sorry to give you a scare there.
Halloween was yesterday, Maya.
Yeah, it was.
Um, so what's up? Well, I was planning my schedule, and I thought instead of heading up to the boring Quincy branch, that maybe I'd spend another day here.
So I commandeered a corner of your desk here.
- I hope you don't mind.
- No, please, commandeer away.
Great, thanks.
Also, did you know that your pug-a-day calendar is a week ahead? Yeah, I get curious.
[upbeat music.]
[laid-back music.]
I t that this doesn't look great, but maybe it's as innocent as it sounds.
Yeah, sure.
She just happened to extend her stay here the day after we turned in the cards, because she didn't wanna go to Quincy.
Come on.
That store used to be a bank.
It has a skylight.
I took Jerusha and Rose there for her birthday.
Quincy is a showstopper.
Nobody's arguing that.
I'm just saying, Maya seems pretty chill.
You know, she's not like a typical DM.
Actually, sometimes, it's the friendliest DMs who are secretly the harshest.
Like, you remember Marty over at Crestwood? One day, he's out playing squash with his DM.
The next day, he's fired and the DM marries his daughter.
Really? Well, the actual wedding wasn't the next day, but it makes a better story.
Okay, well, Maya can't fire you for union stuff.
Well, maybe that's why she's here.
She's sticking around until she finds something else - she can fire me for.
- Like what? Your numbers are good.
You don't do drugs.
You don't steal.
Well, I've seen you pocket Splenda packets in the café, but we're talking, what, like, a handful? It's in the hundreds.
Don't worry.
You are a great manager, and Maya's gonna see that, you know, as long as we have one of our good days in the store, which we've been having a few of lately.
Thank you, Glenn.
I know you thought that was helpful.
Free eye exams! See your partner better, learn the truth! Hey, you busy? [jazzy music plays quietly.]
I'm sorry, I don't know what that was.
Are you finishing a magic trick? No, I'm just saying there's no one here.
You were doing a magic trick for no one? There's no magic trick! Okay, what do you want? I need someone to help me run my shoplifter rehab course.
Eddy's usually my assistant, but ironically, he got arrested.
Oh, I'd be good with shoplifters because I'm some sort of criminal to you, huh? Just because I have an ankle monitor, suddenly, I'm, like, the cutest boy in the Crips? Actually, there's a lot of yelling involved, and I thought you'd be interested in that.
Yeah, that sounds fun.
I'm in.
Amy and I combined Spotify accounts last night.
It just felt like time, you know? Wow, big step.
I'm surprised you weren't worried about ruining your personalized recommendations.
Oh, good God.
Hey, what do you think of these? I think those are candles with anchors on them.
Thanks, I like 'em too.
Jerry wants our wedding to have a nautical theme since he was born on a tugboat.
Well, a boat does have an anchor, so you nailed it.
Okay, these are the last ones I could find in the back.
Oh, so Carol's helping you out? Sandra and I are committed to repairing our friendship.
Bricks on the back are lighter than pebbles in the soul, right, Sandra? - So much lighter.
- [Both laugh.]
Okay, I'm gonna go see if I can find a captain's hat that will fit Jerry's big ol' melon.
Are you sure you're okay? Totally.
And so you know, I'll be here for the next hour and then I'll be in grocery, just in case you wanna say hi later and make sure something's not wrong.
[forced laugh.]
Not that it would be.
But here and then grocery.
Oh, it looks like you swapped out those scanners - that were causing hand cancer.
- Yes.
Uh, no disciplinary write-ups in the last quarter.
- Yeah.
No no no need.
- Good.
I don't know where your nice flip-flops are, Bo.
Just wear anything.
- Excuse me just one second.
- Uh-huh.
Cheyenne, you know we're not supposed to be on personal phone calls on the floor.
Just one second.
You can't just blow it off.
You have to get here.
Take a bath with the dogs later.
My husband's being such a b-munch right now.
Okay, well, just because he's being a b-munch, doesn't mean that's a good enough reason to not be working.
Bye, Bo.
Honestly, this never happens.
Well, it's hard to police phone stuff.
Well, not for me, it isn't.
Attention employees.
Uh, listen up.
Just a reminder that this couch here is not a mobile hot spot.
No cell phones, per usual.
Don't know why I have to say it again.
Can whoever is talking keep it down? We're trying to watch news anchor fails and the sound quality's full "garbagio.
" [upbeat music plays.]
She did put her phone away.
Listen up, scrodes.
My name is Dina Fox, and my goal here today is to cure you lowlife scum of your criminal tendencies and transform you into upstanding citizens.
If that's even possible.
Ah! Sorry I'm late.
Oh, I thought I saw a manatee on the side of the road.
Turns out, it was just a gray sweatshirt.
Oh, but that sweatshirt was huge! Okay, just sit down, Bo.
Thank you.
All right, if you pass this course, The store will not be pressing criminal charges.
If you fail, your crimes will be reported to the fuzz.
Right, Mateo? I've got the local police station right here in my contacts.
- Isn't it just 911? - Silence, scrode! Oh, dang, dude got roasted! Okay, first things first.
I want you all to take out your corporate-approved workbooks and just rip them up.
Go ahead.
We're gonna do things a little bit differently here today.
That's it, go on.
All right.
Anyone who ripped up their workbook has failed.
You just destroyed company property.
- Get out! - Aw, man.
That's the third time I've fell for this.
"Attention employees, please gather in the break room for our regularly-scheduled refresher on store rules.
" I'm emphasizing "regularly-scheduled" because it's underlined twice on this piece of paper Amy just handed me.
Okay, no phones on the floor, Laptops are for customers.
If there's time to lean, there's time to Oh, I know, dream.
No, not dream.
- Lean.
- I just said lean.
Oh, come on, guys.
You know she means clean, which most of us are already doing in our downtime anyway.
Yep, that's right.
'Cause we know if we ever stopped working our tails off, Amy will swoop in to smack us around.
Well, not quite smack us around, but write us up.
Yeah, no, I don't hit my employees.
- I figured that.
- Okay.
Next rule, always clock in on time.
What if on your way to work, you see a plane crash and need to stop to pull passengers from the wreckage? Um, if on your way in, you see a plane crash, then you can be late.
Oh, but what about a train crash? Um, any of the crashes.
All right, we're moving on.
Well, what if it's a fender bender where someone could have been hurt? Okay, Marcus, I'm sure they're fine.
We should probably keep going.
But what if they're not? What if they have a baby in the back and it's, like, loose and it's rolling around like a volleyball? All right, that's it.
I'm writing you up for insubordination.
I get written up for that, but Russell can smoke pot in the garden center? What? Well, I didn't know that was happening, so now that I do, I'm gonna right him up.
Hey, thanks, dick.
This is why you weren't invited to bowling.
I knew you guys were bowling! I knew it! And you looked me in my eyes, and you told me it was a myth.
Yeah, what are you gonna do about it? Oh, come at me, bro.
Jonah, get my back.
I'm not gonna do that.
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no! [both grunting.]
- Horseman! - Russell! "Horseman," that's the cue! Well, Maya reported the fight to HR.
She said it wasn't a big deal, but she couldn't even look me in the eye when she said it, which I have a teenager daughter, I know what that means.
It's not even your fault.
It's not like you're the one who slammed Russell on the table.
If anything, you broke the fight up by pouring oat milk on 'em.
It was weird but effective.
It doesn't even matter.
At this point, it just looks like I have zero control over my employees.
Oh, it'll be fine.
You just need to find a way to show Maya that you mean business.
It's too bad you can't just fire someone, though.
But maybe I could.
Wait, are you talking about me? Fine, Amy, you can't fire me.
I quit.
Glenn, calm down.
I'm gonna fire anyone.
I'm just saying, maybe I can make it look like I'm firing someone.
You know, it's just not fair.
Dina's using, like, hypnosis or some crap.
You gotta stop blaming all your problems on hypnosis.
Hello there.
I'd like to buy these apples, please.
No problem.
That'll be 50 cents.
But apples usually cost 40 cents.
I don't understand.
Cloud 9 had to raise the price due to all the people stealing them.
But I never stole.
Now my children shall go hungry tonight.
And scene.
You think we can get a bathroom break? It's been two hours of this.
Oh, you need to use the restroom? Why, so you can steal a quart of our pink soap? You think I don't know how much that stuff goes for on the street? Absolutely not.
All right, Mateo, could you play Dock Worker number one in this next series? Yep.
[Clears throat.]
No, wait.
[Clears throat.]
[In higher voice.]
I'll find it.
Okay, so what's in it for me? Well, I mean, if you help me out and all goes well, I'll I'll make sure Dina passes you in the shoplifter class.
[relaxed jazz music plays.]
- A'ight, I'm in.
- Okay, great.
So you just slack off, and then I'll come find you and say, "Where's that Turtle Wax endcap" I told you to put up? This is your third strike.
" And I'll fire you in front of Maya.
- Oh.
- Okay, here's your vest.
What? "Dave"? I wanna be Puma, raised in the jungles of Peru, but his parents snuck him into America on an atomic submarine.
- Oh, does he ever go back? - Okay, so Okay, I don't have time for this.
Somebody put Skittles in the Coinstar machine.
I have to fix it before Maya sees.
Okay, back to work.
Check it out.
What's up? I'm an employee right now.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Uh, excuse me.
Attention, everybody.
Green beans are now $1 million, so Okay, Bo, stop.
All right? You need to take this seriously.
I can't keep bailing you out of jail.
We have, like, no money.
Fine, okay.
[Clears throat.]
Green beans are now the normal price.
- That was good.
- Yeah.
[upbeat music plays.]
I like this one, but I don't think we can do Funfetti.
Jerry's family is very conservative.
Wait, there's one more I want you to try.
It's homemade.
- Oh, you you made that? - Yeah, just for you.
It's got a secret ingredient.
- Oh.
- Come on, open up.
So good.
- And now we wait.
- For what? - For your wedding.
- Oh.
[both laugh.]
[scanner beeps.]
Um, hey, Dave.
Oh, what up, Amy? What up, Dave, is that I asked you hours ago to assemble the Turtle Wax endcap, and it's still not done.
Oh, actually, I was gonna tell you No, I don't wanna hear any of your excuses.
You know what? This is your third strike this month.
I made up my mind.
I'm gonna have to let you go.
I'm so sorry you have to witness this, Maya.
No, please, these are your employees.
Yeah, I was gonna say I did that endcap a while ago.
I set it up in the breezeway, you know, more foot traffic and et ceteras.
Wow, um uh wow.
I'm I'm just stunned, because this is isn't what we agreed upon, Dave.
Yeah, well, I was thinking about something Cheyenne said, and I figured, like, if I did a really good job, then it wouldn't really make sense to fire me, because that would be, like, bad management.
Know what I'm saying? So, uh, guess I still work here.
Maybe I can pick up a few extra shifts.
No, no, no.
I already said that you're fired.
And and and what I say goes, and I'm a I'm a woman of my word.
So so all of those things put together means you're fired.
Aw, man.
Cheyenne was right.
I'm a screwup.
I'm just a dumb, useless butt.
- No, Dave, no.
- No, no, no.
No, nobody is getting fired today, all right? - Really? - Yes.
Amy, why don't you and I go have lunch? What's up? Dave's back, y'all.
[imitates siren.]
She's taking me out to lunch.
She's gonna fire me, right? No.
I mean, that is how they fired Marty, so he wouldn't have some violent outburst in the store.
But maybe Maya's got some really great news for you, and she's worried about you having a positive outburst.
Yeah, like, you know, "Oh, this news is so great, I wanna choke somebody out.
" Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm sure that's what it is.
[bright music play.]
This is not good.
So? Yeah, I think they're gonna fire her.
- Wow.
- [both sigh.]
So I guess you'll be manager again.
What? No.
I would never take Amy's job.
Why not? You did it for years.
Who else is gonna do it? I mean, I guess I got no choice.
And the store needs a manager.
And we need one, like, now.
This place is crazy.
There was a fight earlier.
This is perfect for the honeymoon.
There's just so many holes.
Oh, Sandra, our bodies are vessels of beauty.
Don't be ashamed.
God, I can't wait to see Jerry's face when he sees this.
Huh? I said, I can't wait for you to see Jerry's face when he sees this.
Attention, shoppers, please gather for a very special parade.
That's right, it's the Cloud 9 Shoplifters Parade of Shame.
Here, you read these.
I'm gonna pass out the tomatoes.
Tomatoes? Dina those aren't for throwing, are they? What? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
These are free samples.
And if someone felt compelled to throw one, that would be both illegal and wrong, just like shoplifting.
Ooh, wow, "local clams.
" Where do you think they're getting those from? Uh uh, the river.
The river? Okay, I can't do this anymore.
Maya, I know that I have been messing up all day.
But before you fire me, I think you should know that I am a really good manager and and and and I command respect and I don't do drugs and I don't steal Splenda packets.
Amy, I asked you to lunch because I thought a break from the store might help you chill out, girl.
- Really? - Yes.
I am not here to fire anybody.
Okay, 'cause, um, today has been a disaster.
I mean, I would fire me.
- It has been weird.
- Yeah.
Sure, but you're nervous.
I get it.
When the DM would visit my store, I would sweat through my shirt.
Yeah, there's a storm brewing underneath here.
So then if I if I wanted to get a glass of wine, is I mean, you are going back to the store after this, though, right? Yeah, no, I just I meant for later, for a friend you're just joking.
Of course.
I knew that.
- I got it.
- [Laughs.]
Can I have some of the house red? That's not a waiter.
It's just a man.
- Get out.
- What? What? [Tool clangs.]
- Oh! - Oh.
Uh, Bo, Maya's not here.
You don't have to keep pretending to be an employee.
Oh, no, it's cool.
Glenn hired him.
Yeah, what's up? Your boy Dave is here to stay.
- Ah! - I'm sorry, Glenn? - Why would Glenn - Hey, Preet, go to two.
Oh, uh, Jonah, we've got a Hazmat situation over in housewares.
Grab a pair of gloves and head over.
Preety, I need those POUs.
Why would do I have to? Was he wearing a tie this morning? And I was like, "I don't care.
Write me up.
" I am not doing a Latin accent to sell some queso.
Oh, my God, that happened to me, but with salsa.
We have so much in common.
I like you, Amy.
Hell, that's why I stuck around another day.
[upbeat accordion music playing.]
You know, I just wanna make sure that you're being careful.
Uh, what do you mean? I know about your branch's history with unionizing.
[clears throat.]
And in my experience, These things never go away.
I mean, I'm not saying that you're caught up in all of this, but if corporate even thinks that you're helping the union, you will be throwing away your future with them.
- My my future with corporate? - Yes, girl.
You are bright.
Your numbers are great.
Chicago could really use somebody like you.
Well, I don't know what to say.
Protect your future, chica.
You could be going places.
Anytime one of you is tempted to steal this money, Mateo is gonna spray you in the face with that squirt bottle.
Now, is it just water in there? For legal reasons, let's say yes.
- This is messed up.
- What's that? - [mutters softly.]
- That's what I thought.
I'm gonna check on Gerald, see if he's done crying in the men's room.
In the meantime, Mateo, don't be stingy with the squirts.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna squirt anyone.
I know you're not gonna steal the money.
We should steal it, at least get my 200 bucks back.
- What 200? - The fee for this ridiculous class.
Wait, Cloud 9 is charging you to take this? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
So the company won't file a police report so long as you pay $200? These people, they're evil.
Oh, trust me.
You have no idea.
Jen went home sick, so I'm putting you on deli.
But don't eat that ham, 'cause that's what made Jen sick.
Oh, thank God.
Alex, could you thank you.
And get out.
So how'd it go? Oddly, really well.
Guess I'm still the manager.
Yeah, great.
See, I knew you'd be okay.
- You sure did.
- Yeah.
Hey, you guys.
I'm sorry, Bo.
It turns out, I'm not the manager.
- So you're not hired.
- Whoa, this is not okay.
Look at this thing.
This display's my masterpiece right here.
If I'm not staying here, neither are my turtles.
Turt-turt, we're out of here.
[shelf scraping.]
Oh I mean, I guess that's only fair.
Well, it's Amy's problem now.
I've got the bucket of wet socks.
Where is everyone? On one of their precious bathroom breaks? I let them go.
You what? I just couldn't stand the fact that this company was extorting these people out of their hard-earned money.
- It wasn't right.
- Huh.
Did you take their money instead? Well, it had to go somewhere.
Half to me for a new security camera, and I look the other way.
A third.
Your hand is like velvet.
- I sleep with gloves on.
- Hmm.
And then she said she thought I was smart and capable, which, duh.
And I mean, I know this is silly, but she even mentioned something like I don't know someone like me had a future at corporate.
Sounds like corporate's really pulling out all the stops.
Taking you to lunch, trying to buy your allegiance with some bogus career opportunity It's the same crap they pulled with Jeff.
Well, I mean, I don't know that it was a ploy.
I mean, is it so hard to believe she just thinks I'm a good manager? No, no.
You're obviously a great manager.
It's just there's always an agenda with these people.
Anyway, it's not like you're truly considering going off to be an executive at Cloud 9.
I mean, could you imagine me going off to the dark side? [chuckles.]
Why are there pictures of Jerusha in my office? Sandra, relax.
This is gonna be a fun little road trip.
I'm telling you, it's the fantasy wedding venue.
Yeah, it's just I'm curious what other people think, so maybe Marcus could join us? There's no time.
We want to get there before sunset.
God, you're gonna love it Beautiful cliffside view.
It's super remote.
I mean no one for miles.
You've got Sandra! She kidnapped me! Get the cops.

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