Superstore (2015) s05e09 Episode Script

Curbside Pickup

1 [quirky music.]
And lastly, we're launching curbside pickup today, so some of you are gonna be working on that with Dina.
Okay, those on curbside with me are Simms, McNeill, Thompson, Sikowicz, Vasquez, Bradley, Kaluiokalani.
So you hired a whole outside team for this? Those are our last names.
- We have a Sikowicz? - That's me.
Wait, do you know Ricky Sikowicz? - He's my cousin.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
- He's my cousin too.
- What? - Oh.
We should probably stop doing stuff.
Oh, yeah.
I was gonna say that too.
Hey, if any of you curbside folks want to trade places, I'd be happy to work outside today.
It's a nice fall day out there.
You're inside on checkouts.
That's fine because it's fall inside too.
Not true.
This is a great debate for another time.
Now, I'm gonna be a little busy.
My brother moved back and I'm giving him a tour of the store.
We give tours? I want to take a tour.
You work here.
Yeah, but I don't know all the history and crap.
Neither do I.
I'm not gonna tell him history.
That sounds like a great tour.
I didn't know your brother moved back.
Yep, he's back, and he's living with us, just for a few days.
Or at least in my mind, it's already been 17.
Having Eric around rules.
He's the coolest.
We're buds.
It just happened, very organic.
Nothing forced.
- Sounds like it.
- Eric Sosa.
- He sounds hot.
- He's gay, Justine.
I mean, not that gay men can't be hot, obviously.
- Gross, Amy.
He's your brother.
- Yeah.
[upbeat music.]
So when a curbside order comes in, it prints on this printer and you'll hear a beep-beep on your Zebra.
Now, you'll grab the order slip, collect everything on that order, and bring it out to the customer.
And we're supposed to get a two-way thumbs-up? - Is that even possible? - Apparently so.
I mean, there's photographic proof.
Now, from the time you hear the beep-beep, you'll have 30 minutes to get the order in the car.
Yeah, but some orders take longer, right? I mean, like, if it's a big order, if it's spread out around the store Yeah, or if it's for something that we don't even sell, like tractors.
Okay, these sound like excuses to me.
We've promised 30 minutes.
We'll do it in 30 minutes.
Cloud 9 wants to provide its lazy customers with an efficient shopping experience.
Yeah, by running its employees into the ground.
Pretty soon, people are gonna have to pee in bottles.
'Cause they don't have enough time to take a bathroom break.
You want to pee in bottles? No problem.
I'll fish one out of the recycling.
No, that's not I mean, it's a little trickier for the gals, but definitely doable.
I walk in like a dime piece I go straight to V.
I never pay for my drinks My entourage behind me Hey, did you talk to Mom yet? She's mad at you.
Why? She came over and didn't see the donkey bookends she gave you for your birthday.
Eric, I told you, you can't just let anybody into my house.
- It's our mother.
- Yeah, that makes it worse.
I have a whole box full of donkey stuff I have to put out when she comes over.
You know how she works.
You play a donkey in one nativity scene when you're six and now it's your thing forever.
- I was a really good donkey.
- You were.
Hey, Amy, have you heard back about that shelf request? Dan wants to put in a "famous glasses in history" display.
It's still a no.
Um, oh, uh, Mateo, this is my brother Eric.
- Hey.
- Nice lab coat.
You work in the lab? You guys have a lab here? - No.
- I work in the vision center.
That's why there's a creepy eye on here Right.
Got you.
Making the connection now.
"Eye" see.
[distant music playing.]
- It's nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
Hey, Sandra, this order just says "pot.
" Do you know if they mean, like, nonstick or cast-iron or maybe they just think this is a dispensary? Oh, I'm the wrong person to ask.
I don't do a lot of cooking or drugs.
Yo, is this an Oculus Quest headset? Man, these are, like, $400 a pop.
Supposed to be amazing VR.
I mean, even the box is high-end.
Oh, the cardboard feels like velvet.
Feel it.
- Ooh.
- Yeah, right? - It's really smooth.
- Yeah.
Reminds me why we got into this business, you know? Amy, are you creeping on your brother? - Shh! - You're obsessed.
No, no, I-I-I sent him over there to talk to Mateo about sunglasses 'cause when they met earlier, Eric got all cute and awkward.
Okay, you're not obsessed, but you just called your brother cute.
No, I'm saying he likes Mateo and I thought they could go on a date.
I mean, it'd be great for both of them and for me, I'd finally get my couch back.
Eric Who's ready for Tri-tip, huh? [Laughs.]
- What? - Tri-tip.
Uh, dinner tonight.
I'm making that new marinade I was telling you about.
I'm really coloring outside the lines with this one.
Sounds great.
- [phone chimes.]
- [groans.]
I gotta go.
I'm doing this new curbside thing.
It's kind of like an elite squad, but I will see you tonight, all right, buddy? - Uh, yep.
- [laughing.]
Mm, a long hug.
All right.
This isn't a library! Come on, read and run! We've got empty cars out there, people! We need to get junk in those trunks! I do whatever, whenever, ain't no stopping my shine Oh! Uh, where do you want me to put this? - Oh, just stick it on the baby seat.
- Ah.
There's a, uh, baby in the baby seat.
How you think I get the Rolls Royce With the curtains? Oh, oh.
Yeah, I'm working Oh, shoot.
Okay, uh About how much longer do you need me to Just a second.
Just a second.
J-just push the unlock button.
I peep my bust-down Breitling watch When I want to know the time These [.]
like to talk a lot [gasps.]
We did it! Working, working, yeah, I'm working - Are you done yet? - Almost.
Who has time for this? Wait, it's hey, stop stop! Million-dollar deals got me working on my cursive Excuse me! Hey, so I saw the new pair of shades you picked out.
They looked great.
Did you think they looked great on Eric's face? What did you think of Eric's face, by the way? Amy, I know what you're doing.
Eric is cute and he seems nice, but I'm not really in a dating frame of mind right now, okay? The last few months have been rough.
Yeah, no, of course.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, Mateo.
I wasn't even thinking.
Don't worry about it.
I mean, you obviously had a crazy morning, so [distant piano music playing.]
Cheyenne, what are you doing? - Get a get a cart.
- [Phone chimes.]
No, there's no time.
The orders just keep coming.
I had to pee for two hours, and now I don't anymore.
- Where did the pee go, Jonah? - Okay, here.
I'll just take the turkeys in my cart.
Just give me the no, no.
[both speaking at once.]
[both shouting.]
[phone chiming.]
- Uh, okay, all right.
- Oh, my God.
- I got it, it's fine.
- God, eggs.
No, Cheyenne, get a new bag.
No, it's fine.
The dogs don't care if it's been on the ground.
I'm already three orders behind! So, I met your brother.
You guys are so different.
- He seems super cool.
- Thank you.
I really hope it works out between him and Mateo.
You know, it'd be good for Mateo to just, like, settle down a little bit.
He's been dating so hard, Tita Irma had to put foam on the walls just so she could sleep.
Me, I like the white noise.
Wait, what are you talking about? Mateo said he's not dating right now.
Oh! My boy's dating.
It's like he'll go out with literally anybody.
Are you serious? So, what, my brother's just not good enough for him? Eric is a frickin' cutie.
He has a cutie patootie.
We're all good-looking.
It's a hot family.
[quirky music.]
So you're not really dating now? Because Marcus seems to think you are.
This is why I don't shop online.
Who's Marcus? Let's get into it.
Can you excuse us, please? [distant music playing.]
Okay, fine, I lied.
He was cute, sure, but, okay, would it kill him to find a T-shirt without paint on it? He does set design.
If I started dating your brother, you know you'd always be up in our business.
Oh, come on, if you started dating, I would be, like, hands-off.
I mean, like, I'd be hands-off, not that I would tell you, "Keep your hands off.
" You could have your hands all over him.
I wouldn't mind.
I mean, as long as he consented.
I don't consent to this conversation.
Look, all I'm saying is that you don't have to worry about the "me" part of this.
I would be, like, so chill! Like, you're gonna be like, "Where's Amy? I wonder what her whole take on this is," and I'm gonna be, like, in a hammock, swinging and chilling.
Yeah, so that I'd be worried about that.
Okay, come on, let's go! These orders are piling up.
Jonah, your last order took 33 minutes.
Quick math lesson: That's more than 30.
Dina, some of these orders are insane.
One of them just said, "Retirement gift for my dad.
Don't be afraid to get creative.
" Yeah, it's been so crazy, I haven't even been able to go on Instagram.
- Corona thought I was dead.
- We need more help.
Be babies.
Sturgis, you're in.
Glenn Sturgis? On curbside pickup? No, you're gonna stand outside and apologize to customers when these two can't hack it.
- What? - So my job is to stand outside on a crisp fall day and apologize? These are all my favorite things! I am so sorry.
Glenn apologizing is not gonna fix the actual problem here.
Yeah, well, he's too feeble to fill orders, and when people see him stumbling around out there, they'll feel bad and cut us a break.
No, that sounds like a big job.
I should probably switch to apologizing too.
No! Stop whining! What I need from the two of you is less of this and more of this.
I Okay, are you gonna actually mime the whole thing? Wow, she's good at that.
Next game night, she's on my team.
Garrett, guess what? We sold another one of those VRs.
What? No way! Hold up.
Barbecue chips? Takis? Dill pickle-flavored almonds? This dude gets it.
You should meet him.
Oh, my God.
This was Jerry's order? Yep, I'm sure you had no idea.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey, Garrett.
I'm here to pick up my video game.
Your video game? Do you have any idea what you just bought? That's state-of-the-art wireless VR.
I learn so much from you.
Hey, Garrett, maybe you could help Jerry set this up, and then if you wanted to play for a while, I'd cover you and you could get to know each other better.
You know, since you're his best man.
That all just occurred to me.
- [horn honking.]
- [dogs barking.]
You know, I've left work for less.
Let's go.
I mean, sure, curbside is quiet now, but the morning rush was insane, and for 9:00 a.
, a lot of our customers are drunk.
Is it, like, World Cup or something? Amy? Mateo and Eric, they would be good together, right? Not my first choice, but sure.
Look, Eric's gotta get out of the house.
He needs a social life.
I-I want him to meet a nice guy, and Mateo's nice, sometimes, in a way.
So then what's the problem? Well, Mateo is afraid that I'm gonna be too involved, so he won't even give Eric a shot.
I think I'm gonna have to give them a little bit of a push.
To show that you wouldn't be too involved? No, I'm gonna get involved now just to get the ball rolling.
Got it.
I know you've been out here for a while, so behalf of Cloud 9, I would like to apologize.
Where's my order? I need that washing machine.
Okay, I'm not on order fulfillment.
I'm on apologies.
Why'd they send you all the way out here to apologize when you could have just brought me my stuff? Oh, don't worry, sir.
Your order will be right out.
We've got our best team members on it.
All of her lovers All talk of her notes And the flowers that they never sent And wasn't she We don't really have many guests.
Oh, do you want a snow cone? A snow cone? No, I'm I'm good.
Thank you.
- You guys big Guy Fieri fans? - Who? Oh, we got that at a yard sale.
- We liked his confidence.
- Mm.
Well, why don't we break into this little bad boy and download some games? Do you think you'll want a snow cone later? 'Cause the machine's in storage and I'd have to wait for the water to freeze and we'd need to get a jump on it.
Yeah, you know what, Jerry, I'm I'm all good on snow cones.
We don't have any of the flavored syrup anyway.
Okay, so just crushed ice in a cone.
You want to say And let the words fall out Honestly, I want to see you Oh, here you are.
Both of you.
Yep, I'm just having Eric install some shelves.
He put some shelves in our mother's bathroom and they looked really cool.
I thought you said Cloud 9 didn't approve these.
I don't think that's what I said at all.
Anyway, uh, new shelves, new possibilities, new connections.
So with that, I will leave you to it.
I will leave you to it.
Excuse me.
I order three jars of pumpkin spice salsa an hour ago, and I've been waiting in my car.
Are you sure? 'Cause we filled all the orders that came in.
Obviously you didn't, because I don't have my pumpkin spice salsa.
Yeah, I'm sorry, but there's no order here.
Well, I guess I'll go get my pumpkin spice salsa by myself, like it's 1950.
What order was that guy talking about? Did it fall somewhere? Yeah, I don't know.
He sounded like a liar to me.
Just ignore him, you know? Is the printer out of paper or - Wait - It's unplugged.
Okay, it was me, all right? I unplugged it! I couldn't take the beeping noise anymore! So the orders are still coming in? We're just not being notified? Yeah.
Isn't it so much better? No, Jonah, no! The plug is what gives it power! - [beeping.]
- [printer running.]
- [groans.]
- [beeping.]
[printer chirping.]
- [beeping.]
- Should we just quit our jobs? - I mean, I'm in if you are.
- [Beeping.]
Can everyone in this row hear me? 'Cause I'd like to apologize and offer you all a nice, hot cup of cider to enjoy while you wait! Is it too late to quit? - I mean, I'm still in if - No, no, no, no.
Look, Dina, there was a minor printer glitch that set us behind, but but I promise we are gonna do our best - to get back on track.
- Your best? You're gonna have to do better than that.
Otherwise, this program is gonna get shut down, all because you couldn't hack it.
You two are a lazy waste of feet.
Okay, you know what, Dina? You've just been barking orders at us all day, and if you were actually doing the work, you would see how hard it is.
Oh, you think this is hard work? I could do this all by myself.
In fact, that's what I will do.
Time me.
Okay, great.
Let's see how you do.
I shine under high-pressure situations.
This is 2003's regionals for Missouri's Best Bagger all over again.
I guess we'll see.
You ready? Wait.
[cars honking.]
[exhales sharply.]
[distant music playing.]
Watching your brother work, huh? I heard you had a thing for him.
I do not have a thing for my brother.
I'm just checking to see if he and Mateo are hitting it off.
Come on, you losers.
Somebody say something.
Hit it off.
Maybe you should give them some space.
I'm all the way over here.
How much space do they need? Yeah.
Hey, Eric! I just thought I'd swing by, see how things are going.
Well, I hung one bracket, but there's only three screws left.
Yeah, yeah, you're good.
You got this.
You know what I was thinking about? Remember that story you told me about when you were in the Phoenix airport? Oh, sorry, uh, Mateo, are we talking too loud for you? You're fine.
Okay, great.
Um, you were saying? Well, I was talking about shelves.
No, but you were about to tell me that funny story, about how when you were in the Phoenix airport, you saw Anna Wintour.
Anna Wintour flew commercial to Phoenix? Yeah, no, I-I thought it was her, but it just ended up being some old white lady with big sunglasses and a bowl cut.
She was actually kinda racist.
She asked me to carry her bags.
That is so funny.
You are so funny! I just I wish I could go to dinner with you and just, like, hear your stories and laugh and drink and laugh, and I'm not mad at the view either.
- You know what I'm saying? - Amy, stop.
[sneakers squeaking.]
- 12 minutes to go.
- I can do it in 11:45.
Uh, sorry.
I just got another one.
This side was feeling light anyway.
Do you feel guilty about this? - Nope.
- Me neither.
Oh, what do you see now? Is it a dragon? I bet it is.
I told you, there's no dragons in this game.
Why don't you put on the headset and then you can see and you don't have to ask questions? You mean play together? More like play the same game at the same time.
It's so dark, it really feels like I'm in outer space.
You have to turn it on, Jerry.
[cars honking.]
All right! The next five cars, pull forward! Ford, Chrysler, that means you! By the way, I appreciate that you bought American! Wow, six orders at once.
This is impressive/terrifying.
Wow, maybe we are a waste of feet.
Aww, traffic's moving.
Now what am I supposed to do with these apology apples? [breathing heavily.]
- Having fun watching the show? - [horn honks.]
Can't say I blame you.
I'd be watching me too if I wasn't the one doing the work.
Oh, did they not want those wine glasses? What? Oh, crap.
Order for Taylor! You forgot your stemware! - [screams.]
- Oh! Dina! Oh, my God, Dina, uh, we gotta get you to the hospital.
Oh, you would just love that, wouldn't you? I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction.
- [phone chimes.]
- Ah! Oh, oh.
Glenn, apologize to the car I dented.
Uh, okay.
It's probably two apples for [groans.]
- Dina - [breathing heavily.]
[glass clinking.]
This sounds a little damaged.
I should go get a new one.
No, no, no, no, no.
Forget about the order.
You're hurt.
How much time do I have? - 90 seconds.
- [groans.]
Oh, actually, you only have 20 Cheyenne, Cheyenne, she needs this.
Took some doing, but these are solid.
- I think I'm gonna head out.
- Now? You're leaving now? Already? But, um, we should probably, you know, test the shelves, make sure they, um, - can hold the weight.
- Of eyeglasses? Or, you know, whatever else Mateo decides to put on there.
It'll probably just be glasses.
Oh, look at you two on the same page.
Amy, stop.
I really should check, you know, while you're here in the store and the tools are out, and ow, these are really strong.
Yeah, you're welcome.
I'll see you tonight.
I've been told we're having tri-tip many times.
Oh, hey, Marcus, will you help me figure out if these shelves are stable? Oh, hell, yeah.
Let's do this.
[keys jingling.]
[all shouting.]
- Come on! - Oh, my God! Uh, you guys saw.
She made me do this.
- This is her fault.
- No! Not my fault! Your fault because the two of you don't know how to pick up on cues.
Eric, all you had to do was tell a funny story.
You've got hundreds of them.
Well, dozens, anyway.
And Mateo [chuckles.]
You dated Jeff.
Eric is way hotter than Jeff, so how about the two of you just start talking so that your chill sister can get back into her hammock and swing? It makes me feel icky when you call me hot.
We're a hot family.
Everyone's talking about it today.
Deal with it.
Everyone is talking about it.
- [grunts.]
- Yeah.
Oh, nice, Jer! You mostly blew yourself up, but you distracted a couple zombies.
Yes! High five! Oh, stabbed you.
It's all good, man.
I got health.
- [laughs.]
- All right, here we go.
Cover me.
Oh! Garrett! I did it! I built a barn! Uh, yeah, you know, I think that was already there, but, uh, good job, buddy.
I'm a Sorry about the mess.
Please, I should be thanking you.
This is usually the most boring corner of the store.
Not today.
I'm sorry about Amy too.
She means well, but tries too hard sometimes.
Ahh, did you see the top she was wearing? She tries too hard all the time.
Right! If I'd knew I was going to meet someone, I probably would have tried harder myself.
Well you're lucky you pull it off.
Umm Think you wanna go out sometime? Like, on a date.
A real date.
- Sure.
- Great.
- Obviously we can never tell Amy.
- Oh god no.
- Oh hey Dina.
- [Groans.]
How's curbside doing? Oh, we're great.
Oh really!? Oh, well good! Corporate wanted to do a 20 minute guarantee for Black Friday.
I thought that would be impossible, but maybe not.

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