SurrealEstate (2021) s01e07 Episode Script


Previously on SurrealEstate
- We stole her from Livingston-Kent.
- Bob Livingston fired me.
I pushed him back into
the arms of his wife.
You should have pushed
him into a woodchipper.
She spent eight years straight
in the Platinum Ring of Esteem.
- What's the Platinum Ring of Esteem?
- It's just this club
for people who do ten million dollars
in volume over a 12-month period.
The world always assumes that
people who investigate heresies
must be heretics.
I would remind you of the Travis house.
Those things, they can hurt you.
They are dangerous.
Post-mortem in five, kids.
What exactly was that thing?
[SIGH] We call it a Roadie.
We're going to cover
it all in the wrap-up.
Those poor people.
Nearly killed each other.
Speaking of near-death experiences,
tomorrow night is the big night.
Platinum Ring of Esteem annual banquet.
Prom with business cards.
We mock what we do not understand.
Seriously, though.
Lifetime Achievement
Award at your tender age.
Some of us choose to measure our
lives in closings rather than years.
Look, sorry, Anthony. Um
No, that's great.
Yes, no, thank you
for cleaning the house.
I'm sure the adoption agency people
are going to be very impressed.
Ah, just one more quick
meeting and then I'll be home.
I'll heat it up.
God, Anthony, it's a meatloaf,
not a donor organ. It'll keep.
Yes, okay.
I love you. I gotta go. Bye.
All right, how long is
this thing going to take?
It shouldn't be too long.
Remarkable resilience for a Roadie.
I've never seen one with such
- Violent tendencies.
- Okay
Let's wrap this up;
get into the weekend.
Oh! You've got two new
calls from that reporter
Maria something?
- Uh, channel seven.
- Yeah,
she's been bugging the
cops, too. Where is Susan?
God, can we please start without
her? I've got places to be.
Sorry, I was just packing up a
little homework for the weekend.
Can we do this please? Phil?
We worked the Jackson
house for two weeks.
Mid-level engagement
associated with an old fella
who died in the upstairs
bedroom 20 years ago
but never got the memo.
Luke helped him move on
but, in doing so, revealed
our next contestant.
Basically a class-three
shapeshifting demon
that bounces from person to
person looking for a home.
They are attracted
to our type of houses.
They feed on the spiritual turbulence.
Heavier the engagement,
tastier the meal.
Basically, it looks for bad places
to live and makes them worse.
What do they look like?
See, that's the thing about Roadies
they have no corporeal
mass of their own
only the host they occupy
at any given moment.
- So, you've seen these things before?
- Only twice.
Fortunately, that was
enough for our man, August,
to figure out how modify the
M.E.D. to take it apart nicely.
And that is what saved
our bacon tonight.
PHIL: Yeah!
To be prepared is half the victory.
Man, those Roadies played rough.
You saw what those Jackson
kids did to their parents.
Yeah. But that's not the worst of it.
Mm-mm. If they manage to
stay in the host long enough,
they can take over.
Take over how?
You know those stories you
hear about the nice, responsible
insurance guy with a nice
yard who goes crazy one day
and kills his entire family with an axe?
My God.
Doesn't always go that way,
but often enough to, you know
Ooh. That's not a happy sound.
AUGUST: That is the breach alarm.
Zooey, lock down the elevators
and the stairwell, please.
Talk to me, Augie.
Checking now.
- What? Is there a fire?
- I wish.
I think something followed us home.
AUGUST: Bear in mind that this
merely indicates presence, not location.
Now, how did it survive
that blast from the M.E.D.?
It didn't. It was gone.
Ontologically disassembled.
- And yet here it is.
- I killed it.
It's dead.
So, I talked to the building sup.
He's shutting down the
elevators at the ninth floor
and securing the stairwell.
We have to walk down ten
flights of stairs to get out?
Do you want to tell her or can I?
Until we manage to wipe
this thing out properly,
we can't take a chance
on letting it out.
Lockdown, baby.
You're kidding?
He's kidding, right?
ZOOEY: Nope.
So, we're stuck here?
- For how long?
- Well, hopefully
not for long but you saw how that thing
hopped from person to person.
We can't risk it getting out of here.
Can it pass through walls and doors?
Were you not paying attention?
It doesn't have a body
except for the host.
It's a Roadie; never travels alone,
only with the band.
So, how did it get up here?
It found a host.
Oh, come on!
The truth is we don't know.
This thing can sit
dormant in a person for
Phil, help me out here.
Latency seems to be
uncomfortable for Roadies. They
They like to move around, like a virus.
It infects different
people and takes control
after varying periods of dormancy
and the host never knows until
- he wakes up holding the axe.
It was around eight P.M.
when we last saw this thing
when August thought that he killed it.
Oh, August killed it, all right.
Your tech says otherwise.
Then there was more than one.
A Mary-Kate and Ashley?
I guess it's possible.
We stay here for now.
We keep an eye on each other
and we see what pops up.
For how long?
Until we find it and
August smokes it for real.
Phil, do your thing. See
what else you can find out
And you might want to
look at your own device.
We are on the buddy system.
Susan, you and I can talk about
the Menendez proposal in my office.
You guys stick together.
Eyes on each other all the time.
You've got somebody to feed Schrodinger?
Yes, I I'll call my neighbor.
I gotta call Anthony.
He's gonna freak out.
Yeah, I got people I gotta call, too.
Why don't you go ahead and get
us some food while you're at it.
Okay, what sounds good?
Mm a morphine drip?
How's Chinese food?
Is that okay with everybody?
Great. And get the
usual. In the meantime
Let's all keep our eyes on each other.
No, it's just one of those work
things, Megan. It could be late.
Certainly no longer than
absolutely necessary.
Okay, bye.
- Just how long are we going to be stuck here?
- It's hard to say.
I don't have to tell you that
I am accepting a major award
in less than 24 hours
and there are certain acts
of personal maintenance
that need to take place
between now and then.
You look great. You always look great.
To the untrained eye.
In my own mind, I'm the
chick in the tub in room 237
of the Overlook Hotel.
Look, you are just being
too hard on yourself.
But it is my night, Luke.
It's my one night!
I'll never win an
Oscar, or a Stanley Cup
and the Nobel Prize committee has
an obvious anti-real estate bias.
Are you really going
to deny me exfoliation
on my very special day?
Are you that cruel?
I am not denying you anything.
But if this thing is inside of you,
you don't want it popping out in
the middle of your acceptance speech
and do some kind of Roadie Rumspringa.
It's going to do nothing
for your personal brand.
Now, do you want to
talk Menendez or not?
I don't know, Jeffrey!
It's part of my job.
Well, maybe if you ever
had a job, you'd understand.
I thought you'd
understand, but I guess not.
You're stressed out? Anthony,
how do you think I feel?
Quite honestly, the longer
I stand here talking to you,
- the longer
- The longer cat food soaks in the warm water,
the better she likes it.
No, I'm all out of the
canned food she prefers.
- I didn't get to the, uh
To the, uh
I'm afraid we'll all have to
struggle through this together.
PHIL: Boy, it's a crowded field.
The Slavs call it a Leshy.
The Japanese have a shape-shifting
trickster fox called a Kitsune.
For the Algonquins, a Wendigo.
When it possessed somebody,
it developed a violent compulsion
to feast on human flesh.
- Hn! Who's hungry?
I had no idea you could
break them down by income.
Used to be you couldn't.
But I developed this algorithm
that scrapes the property tax database
and extrapolates household
income on a separate tab.
Whew. It's fantastic.
- Mm-hm.
- Is it legal?
Susan Ireland: real estate renegade.
Dinner's downstairs.
Why is it downstairs? He
usually brings it upstairs.
Ah, 'cause he can
usually use the elevator.
So where is our dinner?
Down at the security desk.
Larry is probably sniffing
your Crab Rangoon as we speak.
Larry the, uh
Larry the security guard.
You know the one who
looks at Susan the way
Kanye looks at Kanye.
Yeah. Just do the voice.
Hey, you!
What are these?
The Jacksons had 'em up on the fridge.
Think the youngest kid drew 'em
when he was chock full o' demon.
What do they mean?
Swirls, chaos
Two parents, one sibling
Who knows?
We should probably take
turns getting some sleep.
Two of us need to be awake at all times.
Well, I need a tool from my workshop.
Who would like to
accompany me to witness
any horrid transformations
that might take place?
Oh, I'd buy a ticket for that.
It's like
Marie Curie/ Edgar Allen Poe
gave birth to Steve Jobs and we're
looking inside of its brain.
I've been meaning to tidy up
but there always seems to
be some more compelling need.
Ooh! Sweet Virgin
Airlines! What is that?
It was living in the furnace of a
mid-century bungalow some years ago.
It, uh, obstructed the ventilation.
Made it impossible to pass the
buyers' pre-closing inspection.
- Can't have that.
- Plus
it ate their cat.
Uh, I don't even understand
most of this shit.
It must be difficult to
focus when you're always
busy trying to formulate
your next ironic remark.
Rather lazy intellectually, though.
- Excuse me?
Uh, I need to take this.
Oh, I know you do.
- What is your problem?
- You're strong.
Makes me sad to see you act so needy.
[SCOFFS] Needy?
You think I'm needy?
I-I'm gonna take this and
when I get back, you and me,
we're going to have a little chat.
What is it, Jeffrey?
Why, what did she say?
So, this one version of the Roadie
supposedly manifests in a
large red, bird-shaped rash
on the infected person's left buttock.
What exactly am I supposed
to do with that information?
- Hm.
- Oh, God.
Trouble at home?
I told you Anthony and
I are trying to adopt?
Well, the people are coming
over tomorrow morning.
Anthony's freaking out.
They're gonna love you.
I hope so.
You can trust me on two subjects
adjustable-rate mortgages
and screwed-up families.
You and Anthony will
be the best dads ever.
I wish you would adopt me!
We could never afford the wardrobe.
I cannot believe you
are breaking up with me
over the phone right now!
At least it's not a text.
Can you hold that whiny
rationalization for a hot second?
We're su-supposed to be
You okay?
Oh, it was just that stupid
dream where you're doing a closing
and Justin Timberlake's the buyer
and just as he's about to
sign the HUD-One statement,
he looks straight into
your eyes and starts singing
"I'm Lovin' It" and then his
pen turns into this big snake.
Oh, come on. You've
never had that dream?
Where's Zooey and, uh
afraid we have a problem.
I was certain I'd blasted
that thing to smithereens.
I still believe
Where's Zooey?
I don't know.
I sat down at my workbench,
trying to figure out
how to integrate the
chopping mechanism into an M.E.D.
The next thing I knew, my
My arms felt like they
were out of joint and
Zooey was nowhere to be found.
We are on lockdown.
She is in this office.
We'll find Zooey.
And we somehow need
to find the blades to a
Karnaj model number
6800 FYB food processor.
- There's plenty of time for that.
- No!
The demon focused on
those particular blades.
It took a file and dulled them.
Destroyed them!
If it made that effort,
there is something there.
You guys look for Zooey.
And you keep an eye on each other.
what if I did to her what those
- boys did to ?
- I can't.
Hey. It's me.
You know that 24-hour
Sav-Mor on Brighton?
Yeah, the one across from the park.
Do you know if they have any
high-end small appliances?
Elevators are still locked down.
Stairway door shows locked.
- Zooey!
- I mean, it's a small office.
Come on, Zooey, quit screwing around!
- PHIL: Anything?
- Let's check his workshop.
- Any luck?
- No.
I've been texting her. Nothing.
Not Zooey's style to run away.
Maybe Zooey wasn't driving.
- I need to find her.
- You stay where you are.
Luke, we need to talk to you.
You can speak in front of me.
We looked in your workshop.
The M.E.D is dismantled.
I told you, the Roadie
- filed down the blades.
- And what did you do to Zooey?
Mm, guys, chill out.
- Zooey!
- PHIL: Where the hell were you?
- I was in the hallway.
- And before that?
I was
I was, um
Talking on the phone with Jeffrey and
I think he broke up with me.
On the phone?
Um, I think you're
automatically disqualified
from commenting on awkward breakups.
Anyway, I was talking on the phone
with Jeffrey and then I was
outside the conference room.
- Let me see your eyes.
- It's too bright in here.
- I know.
It's a text from my mom.
"Turn on the TV, local
news, channel seven."
an unidentified couple
are in critical condition tonight,
their two pre-teen sons in
the care of social services
following a confrontation that
occurred earlier this evening.
Details are sketchy, but
early reports say that
one or both sons are responsible
for their parents' injuries.
However, Spotlight Seven
has discovered a strange link
between tonight's incident and a tragedy
that occurred under a year ago.
Questions still linger
about the explosion
that caused the death
of the Travis family
Oh, dear.
REPORTER: but we've
discovered that both the Travises
and the unidentified
victims of tonight's incident
were clients of the same
shadowy real estate firm.
Um, we are so not shadowy.
We're a little shadowy.
and the police will not comment
on the details of tonight's incident
or the Travis explosion.
But does this seeming coincidence
raise some troubling questions
for other clients of
the mysterious firm?
Reporting live, I'm Mari
We're so screwed.
ALL: No!
Nice to see you, too.
- How'd you get in here?
- The security guy brought me up.
- He has a key.
- The security guy has a key?
Yeah, I think they gave it to
him roughly around the same time
they started calling
him "the security guy."
- What's going on here?
- It's a long story.
The punch line is you're gonna be
stuck in here with us for a while.
I'll explain in a minute.
Is that the food processor?
Uh, the last one in stock!
Plus I had a coupon for ten percent off.
Model number 6800-FYB. Brilliant.
Thank you.
- I, uh, hope the color's okay.
- Lovely.
Are you going to give it to somebody?
I'm certainly going to try.
So, if that machine
didn't work the first time,
what makes you think
it's going to work now?
First, I maintain that it did work.
Second, on the remote
possibility that I am wrong,
I am significantly increasing the speed,
efficiency and lethality of the device.
we never did deconstruct
that "needy" remark.
Well, perhaps I was commenting
on your apparent need
to be with a certain
[SCOFFS] Okay, I do not have a type.
I Jeffrey was nothing
like A.J. who was nothing
nothing like Chris.
I stand corrected.
I mean, none of them had,
like, careers to speak of but,
once again, that's not a type.
A.J. was studying to become a bartender.
Took the exam, like, three times.
Always tripped up on the mojito.
So, I came up with this secret phrase,
it's like a memory aid for him
to remember the ingredients
rum, lime, mint, club
soda, sugar, ice
Real Life Murders, Crime
Scene Investigators.
That's so simple, right?
Mmm Not for A.J.
And Chris?
Chris wrote poetry.
Used to go on these huge rants
about how social media was
commoditizing free verse.
"If everything's a
poem, nothing's a poem."
So, I suggested that maybe
she was better suited for
something like construction.
And let's just say that ended badly.
And Jeffrey
Jeffrey does stand-up.
Not very funny.
Not intentionally, at least.
Would you, uh, mind handing
me that small Allen wrench?
All I'm saying is that
you seem to need
projects rather than people.
That's a terrible thing to say.
You should be with someone
But such people are
available fully assembled.
You needn't keep
acquiring them in kit form.
I'm not needy.
You're needy.
- MEGAN: I can't believe it.
- LUKE: What?
That I believe it.
More things than heaven
and earth, Horatio.
I'm a science girl, Luke.
This haunted house demon
stuff is really a leap for me.
The Travis thing, that
really bothers you.
So, what really happened?
I got sloppy.
I was so eager to believe that
everything would be all right
that I ignored that voice in my ear.
It's just, I'm
You already know this
I have this kind of connection
to these things all my life.
I don't just see them, I can feel them.
And I can talk to them.
And I can hear them
talk to me, if I listen.
Sometimes people around me,
they can see them.
They can talk to them
just because I'm there.
So, then, what happened
at the Travis house?
I didn't listen close enough.
SUSAN: What a waste.
Excuse me?
God, look at you.
You're so smart.
Fairly well-adjusted,
all things considered.
Objectively attractive.
But you are just like these
houses we're trying to sell.
Horribly damaged.
Oh, come on!
You go from that Brock guy to Luke here?
You are the luckiest
woman on the planet.
You should be buying lotto tickets.
You guys okay?
Well, Roadies seldom occupy
the same individual twice.
August, Zooey, is the
Roadie inside either of you?
- What?
- Just answer the question.
- How about you?
- No.
- Megan?
- Of course not.
Come on, it's not
going to just tell you.
It's this old Nordic legend I found
a demon called a Tregastar.
When this thing takes you over,
you say
what you feel
and you cannot lie.
Were you always this dorky?
Or was that something that happened
when you and God broke up?
Susan, is it inside you?!
PHIL: Ah! Oh!
The house! You live in the house!
- Screw this.
- The wonderful house.
Get off!
Get her off of me!
SUSAN: Oh, my God!
Where is it, Augie? Did we get it?
- It rests in pieces.
Put it up on the scope and make sure.
We got five green. We're all good.
Nice work.
Yeah, there's gonna be
some residual stiffness.
After having that thing bounce
around inside you a while.
No kidding. This must be
what it feels like to be 30.
- Ohh.
I seriously need to
sleep for, like, two days.
Okay, I gotta get outta here.
Zooey, call down and have
them unlock the elevator.
Oh, yeah. Um
One thing.
So, just before we all
group hug and go home,
can we just acknowledge that
some of us
said some really hurtful
shit tonight and meant it?
We've been in each other's
faces all night and you
probably had enough of me.
Last thing you all need to do is
go to some stupid banquet tomorrow.
It's tonight.
RITA WEISS: Is that her mother?
It's got to be her mother.
None of the others had the
guts to show their faces.
- BOB LIVINGSTON: I think that's best.
- But, Bob, seriously,
who brings their mother
to one of these things?
Leo DiCaprio brought
his mom to the Oscars.
Leonardo DiCaprio was king of the world.
Susan Ireland is, basically,
Daphne in Scooby Doo.
Well, they did give our
industry a huge slap in the face.
Can we just not hand out the award?
STACEY: Not an option.
Well, perhaps I can talk to her.
We used to be, uh
- Colleagues.
- Mmm.
STACEY: And what are you going to say?
I'll ask her to keep
it brief and tasteful.
She'll listen to me.
I'm a bit of a mentor.
BOTH: Mentor.
Oh, go easy, honey. Remember,
you're speaking soon.
I'm targeting that fine line
that separates relaxed and witty
from actually opening with a dick joke.
I hope you hit it.
Susan, you look radiant.
A vision.
- How are you, Bob?
- Fantastic!
And this must be your sister?
My mom, Constance.
Mom, Bob Livingston.
He's the guy who stepped
out of the left-hand tub
in that boner pill commercial.
So much for that fine line.
What a magical evening.
Susan, could I borrow
you for half a shake?
A pleasure to meet you, Constance.
Die in a fire, Bob.
BOB: How you doin'?
You know, we were all very surprised
when you took the job with Roman.
It's so
Running around with
that bunch of misfits.
- You're too good for this.
- You fired me, Bob.
I obviously wasn't too good for that.
Yeah, well that was because
of my wife and she insisted.
Oh, yeah, how is Twyla?
I saw her in here earlier,
checking that big fur coat
made from Dalmatian puppies.
I was hoping we could keep this civil.
Look, I'm just here as a friend
to ask you to keep your comments
brief and tasteful.
And not to reference your
current employer or his,
you know, band of weirdos.
It's my agency.
- And those are my friends.
- Oh.
Why aren't they here?
To support you.
I'm here, as a friend,
asking you to please,
please don't embarrass yourself.
And the rest of us.
And Susan
- Are you okay?
- STACEY: Good evening!
Everyone, please return to your seats.
Good evening and welcome to the
awards portion of our program.
Ladies and gentlemen,
- please join me in
Sorry we're late.
You were right about
the personal maintenance.
As I was saying, please join me
- Hey.
- Hey.
in welcoming the
new eight-time laureate
of the Platinum Ring of Esteem
and the recipient of our special award
for lifetime achievement in the
real estate arts and sciences
- Susan Ireland!
Have none of these people
seen the movie "Carrie"?
Thank you.
There are many people
I want to acknowledge.
My mom, who is here.
My dad, who isn't,
although I kinda feel like he is.
I hope he'd have made time for it.
My current colleagues:
Luke, Phil, August and Zooey,
who gave me a work-home.
My former colleagues,
who made me realize I deserved one.
Hope they're wearing
their asbestos underwear.
But I want to thank all of you, too,
for believing in
Some of you believe in
me, and for that I am
more grateful than you could know.
Some of you believe in other things.
Odd things,
amazing things, beyond imagination.
You've opened my mind
and that's never a bad thing.
But, most of all, I want to thank you
all of you, everyone in this room,
for believing in this business.
Our business.
The good we do,
helping people move on
and find their way home.
Thank you.
- Oh!
- Ah!
The adoption police loved
us. They weren't mean at all.
They just wanted to check us out.
You know, get our views
on education and nutrition.
Running with scissors.
So, what's next?
Well, there's still a lot of
flaming hoops to jump through,
but so far so good.
What's wrong?
There's just something about last night.
Can't put my finger on it.
You were great.
Hey. Thank you for coming.
That was a fine speech.
What you said about belief, believing
- Very true.
- Mm-hm.
But the truth isn't
always welcome, is it?
- It often comes with a cost.
Get in, Mister Needy.
I think I shall be
paying for it for a while.
Hey, Susan!
You were pretty badass tonight.
You really didn't have to come.
Yeah, we really did.
What are we gonna do?
That news story's gonna kill us.
We'll figure it out.
I just
I always try so hard to be positive.
To make people feel good and like me.
But I don't always say
everything I'm thinking.
I mean, who does?
But, Susan,
on your worst day,
I like you a lot.
Still think she's lucky.
Thank you.
Hey! So, where to now?
Wanna grab a bite?
I want to go home.
You want to go to my place?
My place.
I don't
Why do you want to go
there? I mean, we agreed
I didn't
Did you call an Uber?
Megan, what's going on?
How are we tonight?
We are wonderful.
[DEMONIC VOICE) Now take us home.
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