Survival of the Thickest (2023) s01e01 Episode Script

Keep Your Plants Watered, Bitch.

["Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels"
by Todrick Hall plays]
- Here you go.
- Nails, hair, hips, heels ♪
Ass fat, lips real ♪
Ooh! Nothin' like a chip clip
to save the day, honey.
Taken right from my Cheeto bag.
I'm kidding. Am I? Been up since 3:00 a.m.
I have no idea who I am!
- Hey, Mavis?
- I'll be right there, okay?
Mama, yes God, then you ♪
[Mavis] Ooh! Looking good.
Let me see this right here.
Oh, did you know
your hand is making a fist?
Sorry. I'm just nervous.
First Essence shoot.
Repeat after me.
I am worthy. I am perfect. I am enough.
I am worthy. I am perfect. I am enough.
You got this, bitch. Just breathe.
- Okay.
- Hey.
Marissa's dress won't stay up,
and she scratched me,
definitely on purpose.
Okay. Just put some double-stick tape
on her titties. And let's see.
Do I have some still? Goldfish.
Do you know models and toddlers
have the same diet?
- Copy that. Also Trent wants to see you.
- Yes, he does.
- I don't dance ♪
- Here we go.
- I work ♪
- Beautiful.
I don't play, I slay ♪
Here you go.
These are not the ones I wanted.
This is exactly what you asked for.
I I'll figure it out.
- And I might let you see ♪
- How am I supposed to know what you want?
- I'm not a mind reader.
- [man] Yes.
[camera clicking]
I hope this isn't too forward,
but I know beauty when I see it,
and the camera loves you.
Is that right?
Well, it must be
my drumstick-emoji physique.
It's meaty on top,
nubby on the bottom. Very delicious.
That's what it is.
You must be one of those models, huh?
Me? A model? For Essence?
[man] Yes.
They could never afford me, honey.
- [camera clicking]
- [man] Sorry, baby. That's it.
- I can't take anymore. Come here.
- Oh, come on. What?
[Trent] Yuck.
Mavis, you're distracting genius.
- [Mavis] Huh.
- Don't worry about him.
All right. When we're done,
I have to do a bunch of stuff for him.
I'm gonna meet Khalil,
so I'm gonna be home late.
At least we get time together
at work today.
- Yeah, I love you so much.
- I love you, baby.
[Mavis] Mm!
- See you
- [Trent] Mavis!
I'm coming. God!
[camera clicking]
[bell rings]
[woman] It's just
I don't like it. It's not working.
- [woman] Trent, I don't like it.
- Okay, message received, Sydney.
[softly] Mm.
[Sydney sighs]
Mavis, we gonna need some help here.
- On it.
- Girl ♪
- I don't dance, I work ♪
- Uh
- I don't play, I slay ♪
- Yes!
- Okay, so wait until I tell you.
- [model] Gotcha.
Mavis, you need to remember
I'm the lead stylist.
I styled Mariah Carey
into Mariah Christmas,
and this is gonna look ridiculous.
It's gonna be fire.
Hair, hips, heels, nails ♪
- You ready, baby?
- I got you.
Okay. Now!
Come on!
Drop for me, drop for me, drop ♪
Drop for me, drop for me, drop
Drop for me ♪
- This is beautiful.
- Drop for me ♪
[Sydney] Looks like a butterfly,
a fashion butterfly. I love this.
Got it.
All right!
Trent, why didn't you think of this?
Pop for me, pop ♪
Pose for me, pose for me, pose ♪
Mark that one. Mark that one.
You know what? Just mark them all.
Sydney, you know my girlfriend,
Mavis Beaumont?
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
Nice to meet you. I'm such a fan.
Well, now I can say the same about you.
Thank you.
Syd, you know, obviously, it's time
for Mavis to move to lead stylist.
Didn't you say you were doing a layout
with Lizzo's dancers? She'd kill that.
Lizzo and the Big Grrrls? That is my jam.
Well, that would be
a pretty high-profile piece
for your first lead job, but, um
I don't know. After what you did today,
yeah, I think we should talk.
I'll have my office reach out.
We'll set up a meeting for Friday?
Amazing! That'd be amazing.
Oh my God! Thank you so much.
- Thank you, baby!
- Awesome, baby. You got this.
[car horn beeps]
[phone buzzes]
- [Mavis] Hey.
- [man] Hey.
Sorry I'm running late.
Trent sent me
all over town returning shit.
Let me tell you somethin'.
I am so over assisting.
All good. I'm running behind myself.
Good game.
Okay, quit playing.
Trying to make me do overtime,
knowing I got somewhere to go.
Who you got over there?
Let's just call her basket bae.
[Mavis laughs]
More like basket hay. I know that's right.
- [man chuckles]
- Listen, I had to stop home.
I've had to pee for 42 whole-ass minutes.
You know I'm too cute for a public toilet.
Bitch, please.
But I started to pee just a little bit.
Why is there always
a TMI situation with you
when it come to peeing in the bathroom?
Let me tell you, you're gross.
You're my best friend, but you're gross.
Baby, Jesus Christ.
What are you doing home?
What in the actual fuck, Jacque?
- Oh shit!
- [Jacque] No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Mavis, no. Think about what you're doing
before you do it.
- Don't go all Jersey on us.
- [Mavis grunts]
Don't hurt him!
[shrieking] What?
- [Jacque] Chill!
- [Mavis] Get off of me!
Get off of me!
Get off!
[funky hip-hop beat plays]
Okay ♪
One time
For the big girls in the crowd ♪
Hey! Hear me now ♪
Go on, sis, yeah
Show 'em how to work it out ♪
[doors squeak]
I just got this feeling
I'mma find a dildo up in here.
I'm not a monster.
Those are the first things I packed.
- I gotta get somethin' from the bathroom.
- Yeah.
[Mavis screaming] Fuck him!
[Mavis inhales sharply]
- You didn't hear anything, did you?
- No. Nope.
Oh no, no. Don't take that.
That's Jacque's. It stays.
Uh, we taking everything
that's worth somethin' in here, okay?
So I'm just gonna put this in the bag.
We got that in Mozambique.
That's the trip where he asked me
to move in with him.
It was like a princess fairy tale.
[scoffs softly]
Look at this place.
Look at him.
Look at you.
Look, I know Jacque come from money,
but you held him down.
You supported that man
emotionally and financially, right?
Don't forget that.
You pulled your own,
working them two jobs.
Waitressing at night and then being
his studio manager during the day?
- Come on.
- Yeah, fuck that dude. You know what?
- I did hold his ass down. For many years.
- Mm-hmm.
And I never brought up marriage, ever.
He always brought it up.
And he never even put a ring on it. God!
It's always been about what he wants,
what works for him.
And that's why I'mma take
his Fendi jacket too.
'Cause if you gotta see his dick
in another woman,
he should see that jacket on another man.
And not just any other woman.
A skinny model version of me?
Like, how fucking hurtful and basic.
And you know what people say.
If someone cheats on Halle Berry,
they're like, "Oh my God."
"How that man cheat on Halle Berry?"
But if someone cheats on someone like me?
A thick girl with problem areas?
They're like, "Oh yeah, I get it."
You know everyone talks, Khalil.
That's what they say.
They're like, "He's the hot photographer,
and I'm just lucky to be with him."
- Okay, stop.
- Khalil?
- Mave.
- Khalil.
Do not breathe life
into that silly-ass narrative.
When somebody cheats,
that's them trying
to stroke they own ego.
don't you always be the one saying
thick girls having a moment?
[gentle music plays]
It's "mo-ment."
Sorry. Say it again?
"Mo" like a Monique,
but "meant" like "mo-ment."
- "Mo-ment"?
- Yeah.
Yes. Yes. "Mo-ment."
Thick girls having a "mo-ment."
Time to have that "mo-ment."
- Okay.
- [softly] All right.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Now where does Jacque keep his cameras?
Mavis, can we please talk?
What you need?
Just give us a minute.
Wait. Is that my jacket, fam?
My nigga, you got way bigger problems
than this jacket.
Come on, Mavis.
Right now I'm so, so sorry.
We can't throw five years away.
Look, it only happened
this one time. I swear.
We can work this out.
We're supposed to be married,
have kids,
do all that Bonnie and Clyde shit.
Jacque, I know things weren't perfect,
but you coulda let me know
you weren't happy before you stepped out.
I know that.
And I'm sorry.
- Babe, let me make it up to you.
- No!
Where you gonna go?
I'mma keep it moving
and keep my plants watered.
[funky music playing]
[bags rustle]
Do I look crazy? I feel crazy.
Yes, you look crazy.
I'm moving you to Brooklyn
to live with a total stranger
who could be a serial killer,
or worse, an investment banker.
Really? Those are my only two options?
Come on, Khalil.
is a legitimate website, okay?
I paid three whole dollars to sign up.
I saw it on a bus, so I know it's real.
And I FaceTimed Jade
at least four and a half minutes,
and she had kind eyes
and, um, didn't ask for my credit score,
which is like the most important.
Yeah. Sounds Yeah.
Oh shit, Mavis. Get up.
- We gotta go.
- What? Why?
- We gotta go. We gotta go.
- Why?
Lisa Bonet top hat.
Oh God, Khalil! Are you serious?
When you gonna stop running from women
you slept with? We are 38 years old!
Obviously never. Move your feet!
Sorry my friend's a ho!
It's an emergency!
[funky music playing]
This is it.
[Khalil grunts]
[Mavis strains]
[Mavis exhales]
[Mavis] Hello?
Mavis, hi!
- Hi!
- Hi. Welcome! Welcome!
To you too.
So nice to finally meet you, Jade.
- Um, where's my bedroom?
- Right behind you.
- Oh!
- Yeah, I feng shui-ed it and everything.
Oh, thank you. It's great.
- [Mavis] Um
- [Khalil clears throat]
- Sorry, uh, this is my best friend Khalil.
- Oh my
[Jade] Hi. Hi.
Well, if you're her best friend,
you're my best friend.
[Khalil] Yeah. So, Jade,
I just touched this chair,
and now there's a greasy film,
like, inside of my hand,
and you don't have a Jheri curl,
so I don't That's not what that is.
But if you could
walk me through all of this?
It's just olive oil.
Yeah. I just put it all over my body,
my hair, all the time.
It just It's so wonderful for you.
And, yeah, any time, like,
my body needs love, I rub it in.
- Mm-hmm.
- Like a little pasta dish, you know?
I think I will not do that.
Yeah. That's Thank you though.
That was very
- Oh shit! That pillow got feet.
- What?
- [Jade] It's my kitty cat. It's Coco.
- Oh.
- [Jade] It's Coco.
- You never mentioned you had a cat.
[Jade] Surprise!
- His full name is Cocaine Xavier.
- [Mavis] Of course it is.
- That is a very strong name for a cat.
- Snort him up.
- [Jade laughs]
- [Khalil chuckles]
Are you gonna be okay here?
[whispers] I, um
I don't know.
[whispers] She's fine.
- Lord!
- Wow.
Lord Jesus.
[funky music playing]
[metallic clang]
[sirens wailing]
[distant music blares]
[metallic clanging continues]
["The Choice Is Yours (Revisited)"
by Black Sheep plays]
This or that? ♪
- Yo! ♪
- Come on! ♪
Who's the black sheep
What's the black sheep? ♪
Know not who I am, or ♪
[man] Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Oh, there's some room over here.
- Thanks. Thank you.
Oh shit! Camden?
- Damn, Mavis! How you be?
- Good.
Oh my goodness. What's up?
What you doing in these parts?
Oh, I just moved in around the corner.
What's it been? Like, two years?
Something like that. Two years, yeah.
Yo, those agency days were fun.
Yeah. Well, you look good. How are you?
Oh shit! Was that a compliment
from Mavis Beaumont?
I look good? You look good.
Thank you.
Let me buy you a drink, boo.
Sure. Why not?
I'll stay for one more. Let's catch up.
Hell yeah. Let's get all up
in the mustard and ketch-up.
[chuckles] That was good.
America's Got Talent, ayo!
Nah, I low five.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's dangerous in these streets.
- I keep my hand near my wallet.
- I think I heard that.
You fuck around and high-five
and get robbed.
I I heard Shaun King talk about that.
I actually have a shot
at my first lead styling gig.
Do you remember, um, Sydney Dubois
from Essence?
- Yeah.
- I'm meeting her tomorrow.
- Oh
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah!
Yeah. You better walk into your story
and keep your plants watered, shorty.
Oh my God!
I always talk about watering my plants.
That is wild.
Do you, Mavis.
You mad special,
mad talented, mad beautiful.
Thanks, Cam.
I don't wanna get too excited, though,
because her office hasn't confirmed yet,
and Jacque did the introduction, so
No, no. Not Jacque. Jacque.
I always knew Jacque was a dummy.
I should call him right now
and thank him
because one man's trash
is another man's treasure. You feel me?
I do feel you, and I don't know why.
You drop-dead beautiful.
Beautiful Beaumont.
Some motherfuckers just don't understand
how good they have it.
- Do me a favor.
- Yeah.
Remind me why you wouldn't go out with me.
I had a boyfriend at the time.
Really, Mavis. Fuck that dude.
Let's stop talking about him.
Because if you were ever my girl,
the whole bedroom would be the Vatican,
and you'd be my Olivia Pope.
Oh my God.
That is, like,
the sweetest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
[dance-pop music playing]
["Booty" by Saucy Santana playing]
Booties! ♪
[cheering on song]
Oh my God.
I'm single.
I'm single!
What else make 'em mad like this? ♪
What else make 'em act like this? ♪
Yeah, I know you like
My booty-booty, booty-booty, booty-booty ♪
Booty-booty, booty-booty, booty ♪
Yeah, I know you like
My booty-booty, booty-booty, booty-booty ♪
Booty-booty, booty-booty, booty ♪
Yeah, I know you like my booty-booty
Booty-booty ♪
Oh shit!
Who that be?
It's Sydney Dubois's office.
They're confirming my meeting
for tomorrow.
Well, go on. Tell 'em who you are.
I'm Marvis Bormont, bitch!
Wait a minute.
Booty-booty, booty-booty, booty
Booty-booty, booty-booty, booty ♪
Yeah, I know you like
My booty-booty, booty-booty, booty-booty ♪
- Whoo!
- Yeah, I know you like my ♪
[both moaning]
[Mavis] Oh my God. Oh.
[Camden] Mm. Oh, Mavis,
you taste so good.
- [Mavis] Mm.
- Taste so good.
[Mavis] It's the cardamom
from the halal truck
and the the Baileys
from the screaming orgasms.
[Camden] Mm. Mavis. Mm! Oh, Mavis.
[Mavis] Hmm!
Oh, Camden, no!
["Clap Clap" by Spice plays]
Clap clap clap ♪
- It too loud, it a clap clap ♪
- [retches]
Stand up and a clap clap ♪
What? Why is everything covered
in olive oil?
Clap clap, mek yuh ♪
Clap clap, spin like it a propeller ♪
Oh my God. Why won't you go down?
Clap clap, loud like a propeller ♪
Too loud, it a clap clap clap clap ♪
Gyal yuh fi clap it, mek it spin up ♪
Tell dem yuh pocket fulla money
Lakka bank tella ♪
Yuh seat nuh yellow
Like a Mozzarella ♪
Rihanna ela Umberella ♪
Too loud it a slap up, mek yuh echo ♪
Clap up yuh fanny
Yuh nuh soft lakka marshmello ♪
Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh jello ♪
Nuh common lakka Lego ♪
- Clap up like a round of applause ♪
- You're okay. You're fine.
- Clap clap clap clap ♪
- You're still pretty.
Nuh like mi tell dem ♪
[music fades out]
I'm, um
I'm sorry.
I'm just This is me single, okay?
And it's messy, and it's gross,
and I'm really sorry, um, and
[breathes deeply]
I'm just so tired,
and my tits are so heavy
Just come over here,
and let me be your TA.
My what?
Your titty assistant.
You are beautiful as fuck, no matter what.
And that's for real, for real.
So let me water them plants, girl.
[Mavis] Oh!
["Never Wanna Fall"
by Talia Goddess plays]
Why, I don't ever want to fall in love ♪
Ooh ♪
Oh-oh-oh ♪
Said I don't ever want to fall in love ♪
Ooh ♪
Why, I don't ever want to fall in love ♪
I'm so hungover.
I'm the motherfucking Allen-wrench master.
Can't nobody build shit like me.
They should call me Fix James.
I fix broke shit. I fix fixed shit.
I'm here to fix shit.
We have not seen this type of crazy
in a very long time.
[Jade chuckles]
It's not helpful.
You had sex with him.
That feels judgy. Okay.
[Mavis clears her throat]
Hey, look at this.
All this with an Allen wrench, boo.
Wonderful. Um
I think you could tell this is not
the best version of me right now,
and so, um
I'm sorry,
but this just isn't gonna work out.
[Camden] It's a particle-board bookshelf.
I mean, it ain't all that,
but, you know, it's
You put my bed frame together too.
He also fixed the tub.
And you fixed the tub?
Look, I am fresh out of a relationship,
and, um, quite frankly, you shouldn't be
so available for a person
when you don't know
how they feel about you.
You are a great guy.
Honestly, you are. You, um
You are like a well-made bra, honey.
You are supportive and uplifting,
and your positive affirmations
are so dope,
and boy, you are very good
at other stuff too.
I'm talkin' 'bout the pussy stuff, Camden.
Very nice. Thank you so much.
Camden, there is somebody
out there for you,
and she's gonna be so lucky
when she finds you.
Damn, ma.
I'm just glad you told me that shit
and kept it 100.
Yo, I usually just get ghosted,
but this was real as fuck.
Come here, man. Let me get a hug.
I need my wrench back.
Thank you.
[funky music plays]
- Mavis Beaumont, wake up!
- Oh, oh!
I'm up.
I'm up. Why you gotta scare me like that?
How are you indoors
but still look homeless?
Okay, that's not nice.
Why aren't you ready? I thought we was
gonna go eat before your meeting?
Oh. What time is it?
I gotta call Sydney and reschedule.
- I can't do this now.
- No, no.
- What are you doing?
- Man, you ain't rescheduling.
Uh-uh. Give me my phone back.
What you doin'?
- No.
- Give me my phone back.
- What are you doing?
- Why are your arms so long?
Why do you know so many weird guys?
She takin' a bagel in the bathroom?
[Mavis groans]
I am not letting you miss out
on this opportunity.
Khalil, I am exhausted,
and I don't have the energy to start over.
I can't go in there
and be my dynamic self.
I just got cheated on.
I need time to heal.
Plus, last night,
I had some cardamom and strange dick,
so I'm digesting
a lot of things right now.
Mavis, night one?
I mean
Look, you not ready for this.
Also, with who?
You remember Camden from the agency?
Not fucked-up-teeth, can't high-five?
Yeah. He just got
a new motorcycle jacket from Macy's,
and I don't know what happened.
It was like a ghetto episode
of British Bake Off,
but just with dick and street meat.
And I'm not talking
'bout the dick being the street meat,
but it could've been.
I didn't know what the fuck I was eatin'.
Khalil, now you know why I gotta cancel.
No, no. You cannot cancel.
Look, stop telling yourself no
before somebody else tells you no.
That's beautiful.
- Let me ask you this. Rapid fire.
- All right. Hit me.
How long you been talking
about being lead stylist?
Like, in years?
How many times you had the opportunity
to be lead stylist?
How many times you been to work
for something really important hungover?
- How many Mondays in a year?
- Exactly. Come on, girl. You can do this.
Now, go find a pencil
and draw on some eyebrows,
and then put them dots under your eyes
to do whatever that do.
- What do you call that stuff?
- It's concealer.
Conceal that shit, okay?
And do whatever else
women do to get ready.
A'ight? Get you some ibuprofen
and coconut water, and go get that shit.
- Girl, I don't dance, I work ♪
- Work ♪
- I don't play, I slay ♪
- Slay ♪
I don't walk, I strut, strut, strut ♪
- And then sashay ♪
- Okay ♪
- But I don't work for free ♪
- No ♪
- That's not the tea, hunty ♪
- No, ma'am ♪
- So make it rain on me ♪
- Me ♪
And I might let you see ♪
- What you gonna let them see? ♪
- [Sydney] Wow. Yeah, I'm liking this.
I love it. You're so talented, Mavis.
- These are gorgeous mock-ups.
- Thank you.
I could see Jacque
really running with this.
He's so good with movement.
Yeah. Jacque is
really good with movement.
I, um
I don't think it's a great idea for us
to collaborate on this together, though.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Because he said he'd only shoot this
if you were the lead stylist.
- He did?
- [Jacque] Hey, babe.
Sydney, didn't I tell you
how amazing she is?
She's great.
No. Mm-mm. No.
No, thank you. Absolutely not.
I am not doing this.
- I'm sorry?
- Mavis, don't be ridiculous.
What's happening here?
Did I miss something?
Jacque and I
are no longer working together, okay?
And I would love to stand here
and say it's either him or me,
but I already know
how that's gonna go, so
I just wanna make sure that the answer is
Yeah, it's gonna be him.
Thank you for my iPad.
- Mavis, please.
- What?
All right, just take a minute.
I know you're upset with me,
but just try
and leave the emotion out of this.
I can help
get this career off the ground
Let me stop you right there, okay?
Please do not flatter yourself.
I have everything I need
to make my own way.
Jacque, I loved you,
and I would've done anything for you.
But my identity got mixed up with yours,
and I let you take the lead.
And I got lost. But you know what?
Here the fuck I am.
Come on! Shablam for me
Shablam for me, shablam ♪
Shablam for me
Shablam for me, shablam ♪
Shablam for me
Shablam for me, shablam ♪
Shablam for me
Shablam for me, shablam ♪
That's all ♪
[hip-hop beat playing]
Betta know about me, babe ♪
Mm-hmm ♪
Betta know about me, babe ♪
Yeah ♪
I'm way too lit, I'm way too thick ♪
Talk a lotta trash, but I could bag it ♪
Betta know about me ♪
Mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm ♪
Hey ♪
Mm-mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Betta know about me, babe ♪
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