Survival of the Thickest (2023) s01e02 Episode Script

Be a Bad Boss Bitch, Bitch!

Mind on my money ♪
Got my mind on my money ♪
[machine beeps]
- [machine beeps]
- Oh, is it not going through?
I could run upstairs and get some cash.
- You must be new to the neighborhood.
- I am.
You know, we try
to accommodate everybody's needs.
Especially beautiful women.
First purchase is free.
- Oh!
- Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I am new. I can't believe you knew that.
If I knew the first purchase was free,
I just would have bought more stuff.
- Ow.
- Are you okay?
Have a great day.
I don't even speak ♪
And all I do is listen
Listen to these mother ♪
Mind on my money ♪
Okay, Marley.
Let me give you a tour.
I can see it all from here.
At least there's no place
for the killer to hide.
Yeah, you know,
I think it's got that old-war,
new-century charm.
Well, we all have
to start somewhere, right?
Look at Whoopi.
She was brought up
in the Chelsea projects.
Now look at her.
She's braless in billowing shirts,
ugly-ass shoes,
and high as a kite on daytime TV, honey.
That's gonna be you,
my boss-ass bitch friend.
[phone buzzes]
Marley, did you just Venmo me $500?
Yes, I did. Do you need more?
You can be honest.
Yes, but not from you.
Oh, come on, sis. Look at these floors!
Look like the set from Hamilton.
- Oh!
- [sighs]
And not to mention
the way this place smells, sis.
It's like the bottom of a freezer
with the fuzzy ice.
- [sniffs] Mm.
- Oh my God. Oh my God.
I can't smell it anymore.
- Mm.
- Am I getting used to the smell now?
But, Mavis, you know
what I don't see up in here?
A working stove?
A cheating-ass boyfriend!
If your ass gotta live
like you're in an episode of College Hill,
I'm here for you.
I've got you.
[upbeat music playing]
[Mavis] This vision board
is the first step
in manifesting my future.
Look at that. This is so g
I see you, bitch. I see you.
- [Mavis] Thank you. We see each other.
- [Marley] Oh man.
What's more realistic? 100,000 followers
or fuckin' Lenny Kravitz?
- Ay!
- [chuckles]
Ah, but it's all
a very exciting place to be.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
See, that's why I love you.
Thank you for believing in me.
[clicks tongue] You my girl.
- Yes.
- [phone buzzes]
[Mavis] Oh.
No, I know
that's not a notification on for Jacque.
Marley, this motherfucker is hosting
our bimonthly Hampagne party without me?
He didn't even think to ask?
[Mavis] That is so rude!
[Marley] So what?
He's having a party with ham appetizers
and cheap-ass champagne.
Yeah, but, Marley,
that party was my idea, okay?
I'm really good at food parties.
You two broke up.
When Ben and I got divorced,
I left everything behind,
except you, of course.
Is Ben going to the Hampagne party though?
Because I know him and Jacque still talk,
and I wanna know what version of the story
Jacque is tellin' people
because I know it's unsavory.
Can you ask Ben, please?
I am not asking my ex-husband
about your ex-boyfriend.
And low key, nobody like
them raggedy-ass parties anyway.
- The last one I went to
- What?!
No, the last one, it messed my stomach up.
And this energy
that you're spending on him,
I need you to spend on you.
[phone buzzes]
Is that another notification?
- No.
- [phone buzzes]
[phone buzzes]
- You wanna look, don't you?
- No.
I can see it in my peripheral vision.
Okay ♪
One time for the big girls
In the crowd ♪
Hey ♪
Hear me now ♪
Go on, sis, yeah
Show 'em how to work it out ♪
Khalil, you're gonna love CC Blooms.
Oh, hey!
Hey, queen! Your table's all ready.
It's not sticky anymore.
Thank you. That was so gross. Ugh!
- [chuckles]
- Yo, this spot is crazy.
I know, right?
You've been in Brooklyn for what, a month,
and you've got your own table
like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas?
- Hello?
- Hi.
Mavis, aren't you gonna introduce me
to this baby carrot
so I can put him in my hummus?
Ah! [laughs]
This is Peppermint.
Uh, I'm Khalil, and ain't nothin' baby
about this carrot.
[both scream]
- Okay!
- All right! Uh!
Should I leave?
You better be careful, honey.
I might try to find out.
I love this. Mainly for me.
- [Peppermint] Now, Mavis?
- Yeah?
I might have a styling gig for you.
What, for real?
I normally would not recommend anybody
work for the bitch,
but I have known her
since I was a young drag princess.
You seem desperate enough
to put up with her shit.
I am. How did you know?
Girl, look at you.
You put the ho in desperad-ho.
Oh, now I see why you made this your home.
Thank you so much, Baby Carrot.
[percussive music plays]
Hi. I'm Mavis Beaumont,
and I have a passion for fashion.
That's a little much.
I'm overcompensating because I'm nervous.
I can slap you if you want?
What? No. That's a "no, thank you."
Uh, I'm Bruce. Sign here, please.
Whoa, that is so cool.
I am so adult.
What is this? Beyoncé's birthday party?
I guess I'll follow you.
[Bruce] Only answer her questions,
don't ask her anything,
and don't pause before answering.
[Mavis] Well, how do I ask a
question if I
Oh my God. I can't stop pausing
when you say to
Don't pause!
I love Natasha Karina.
Oh, wait a minute.
Am I interviewing with Natasha Karina?
Is this Natasha Karina's house? [gasps]
Oh my God! She's my most favorite
supermodel from the '90s.
[Bruce] Nope. No, no, no, no.
No, not from the '90s. From the todays.
Okay. Tomay-to, tomah-to.
[Natasha chuckles softly]
I thought I asked for a stylist,
not a cartoon mouse.
Cartoon mouse? [chuckles]
M-A-V-I-S-B ♪
M-A-V-I-S-B ♪
Mavis Beaumont, that is me ♪
[Mavis chuckles]
It is so nice to meet you, Natasha Karina.
I am [sighs]literally your biggest fan.
I am a size 18-20 on a good day.
Anyway, is it weird
that I dressed up as you in eighth grade?
[laughs] That's not something
you wanna hear.
Is it?
[funky music playing]
[Khalil] Yeah.
I like it. I like it.
Wow. Okay.
This is a unique interpretation.
- You hate it.
- No. No. No.
Tell that to your face. It's saying,
"This is the work of a madwoman."
Uh Well, it's a lot of emotion
on this canvas right here,
but anybody can paint a banana.
Not everyone can do this.
Well, thanks.
What you're seeing in this piece
is my chaotic week.
Painting is one of the few things
that relaxes me when I'm feelin' yikes-y.
Hmm. Yikes-y.
Weirdly, I know exactly what you mean.
You said painting is
one of the things that relaxes you.
What's another thing?
["Snatched" by Big Boss Vette plays]
- He wanna dive in it ♪
- Snatched ♪
He wanna dive in it ♪
He wanna dive in it ♪
- His soul ♪
- He wanna dive in it ♪
- You have a Smeg?
- I love reliable luxury appliances.
Oh my God. Me too.
That's the biggest turn-on ever.
[both moan]
[Mavis] Dior.
Givenchy. What?
- Uh
- Those dresses don't fit anymore.
I need to feel sexy
and relevant and fierce
for this red-carpet event.
Gotcha. What do you think of my lookbook?
It's a book, and I'm looking at it.
Okay, um
Natasha, I know exactly what it feels like
when the designers that you love
just don't come in your size,
but I promise, I can find you a dress
that will make you feel the way
that this Givenchy did.
All I have to do is get your measurements.
Oh, that's a no.
No, no.
Okay. Um
Well, what's your size?
- Four.
- No.
- I bought something for the event.
- Oh!
It will take two inches off my waist.
- Is that a straitjacket?
- It's a corset.
Of course it is.
I was speaking metaphorically.
Can I just say, Natasha,
you are gorgeous the way you are?
Honestly, women from all over the country
are flying down to South Florida
and literally putting liquid concrete
in their bodies just to look like you.
You don't have to look like
a virgin from Bridgerton.
What do you know, cartoon-mouse lady?
I am wearing this corset.
End of discussion. Can you help me?
Okay. I just
I don't Okay, just let me
If you just suck it
- [inhales]
- One
- [strains]
- You know what? I am so sorry.
I wanna dress women
and help them love their bodies.
If I dress you, there's no corset.
[softly] God, I was just trying to help.
Try to be nice.
Maybe a cartoon mouse knows some stuff.
- She said yes.
- Oh my God!
Don't F it up.
She just walked away
and didn't say anything.
The event is tomorrow.
[pop music plays]
All day, all day ♪
Well, what's the event?
All day, all day, all day ♪
[line ringing]
[Mavis] Guess what?
I got a job.
A job?
Girl, what club you dancin' at?
They got wings?
'Cause you know the good strip clubs
got chicken wings, bitch.
Shut up!
I'm just playing with you, honey.
I'm so proud of you.
- We'll celebrate tonight, okay?
- I can't wait.
Okay, bye.
[sighs] Don't be lookin' at me
like that, Ronald.
You know you love the flat tops
at the Sapphire Club, so don't play.
[Marley laughs] All right,
so we can't keep messin' this up, guys.
We were here on section one.
Hey. Think I'm about to make a smoothie.
You want one?
I took the fruit from class.
So you do it all for the free fruit.
I like it.
You know, recycle, reuse.
- I keep it simple.
- Look.
I think it's sweet
you want me to stay a little while,
but I can see from lookin' around here
what this really is. Let's just be real.
And what is it?
Well, it's clearly not
the apartment of a man
who wants more than one day of fun sex.
Wait, are you
Are you calling me a fuckboi?
Your word, not mine.
I mean, this place isn't set up
to make a woman feel comfy.
You got one dining-room chair,
two champagne glasses, and one coffee mug.
That means you have sex
with girls at night
but not breakfast with them
in the morning.
There's not even a couch in here.
What am I supposed to do? Sit on the bed?
It [scoffs]
I don't think you're catching my vibe.
I'm a minimalist.
[chuckles] Look, I am not judging you.
My life is complicated,
so having a little bit of fun today
was exactly what I needed.
Thank you for that.
What kind of fuckboi
has a salt-and-pepper beard this nice?
I mean, I'm at least a fuck-man.
Oh my God, Mavis!
So crazy seeing you.
I'm just pulling pieces
for Lizzo's Big Grrrls.
Hi, Trent.
So you're doing the Lizzo shoot?
Oh, who else would?
You know, Jacque and I
have a really good working dynamic. I
Mm! Doll, I can't believe
the nerve of that cad for dumping you.
I left him.
Take care, sweetie.
We'll miss you at the Hampagne party.
Well, I'm actually shopping
for Natasha Karina
'cause I'm her stylist now!
Shit, and don't tell anyone
'cause I signed a NDNA!
NDA! Oh.
[whimsical rhythmic music playing]
- Day, you are a lifesaver. I am
- Come on.
No, truly. I'm so glad I met you. I just
I need you to do that magic you do
for the queens for her, okay?
These are all size eights,
but she's about a 10 on top
and a voluptuous 12 on the bottom.
- Yummy.
- Yeah!
- [phone buzzes]
- Yeah!
- Oh. Gotta take this. One second.
- Sure.
Hey, Khalil. Oh my God.
What's going on? What am I looking at?
[Khalil] These are called couches.
Which one should I get?
Turn the camera around.
What, in the 25 years of friendship
of sitting on the floor you made me do,
is going on? Am I getting a sister wife?
Okay, pump the brakes.
We ain't doing all that.
I just think it's time for me
to upgrade the crib a little bit.
Uh-huh. I'll live that lie
if you want me to.
I just don't know which couch, right?
Couches are like relationships.
If you pick the wrong person,
you stuck with them for a long time,
and I don't want a long-term relationship
with the wrong couch.
Oh my God, Khalil. Who hurt you?
It's not a tattoo, honey.
It's just a couch.
Just go to the Upper West Side
to the Housing Works on 74th and Columbus.
Get something, you know, maybe leather?
It'll be nice and worn in,
so it'll be comfortable.
Damn! This why I called you.
You the best at this.
Yes, I am amazing.
You better start that rumor. Okay?
I gotta go. I got a job!
- You need all this by tomorrow?
- Yeah.
Feels like a reality show.
I know! But no one's getting a rose
or finger bing-bonged
in a hot tub. [chuckles]
- All right, it's Hampagne o'clock.
- Oh, hell no!
- Damn. Again?
- This ain't right.
Why would you do this?
Who doesn't love
an impromptu Hampagne party?
You know, you have to stop
obsessing over Jacque.
- Mm.
- [Mavis] It's not fair.
We spent five years building
a beautiful, successful life together,
and he gets to keep the friends
and the parties and the lifestyle
and the Japanese toilet.
Oh, my butt is so cold right now.
It is not okay with me.
Mavis, you creatin' a new life right now.
Understand that.
What you need to be doin'
is celebrating this new gig.
Come on.
- And stop giving a fuck about Jacque.
- Preach.
What are we celebrating exactly
about my new job?
Being anxious, nervous, afraid to fail?
Is that what we're celebrating right now?
We're celebrating the fact
that you're the boss now.
- Mm!
- You're the CEO of your own corporation.
And if you don't believe in yourself
and your decisions, nobody else will.
What, in the brown-titty TED Talk,
is going on?
I will drink to that.
- Thank you.
- [Khalil] That was beautiful.
Now we need pizza.
- [both] Please.
- Okay.
- Not that this doesn't look interesting.
- It don't.
[all laugh]
[upbeat music playing]
- No.
- No.
- No?
- This is it?
- This is it?
- This is it.
- I don't know.
- She doesn't know.
Bruce, please, just give us a minute.
Here. This one.
Try on the green one.
- [Mavis, softly] Okay.
- [Natasha sighs]
[grunts softly] All right.
- Okay.
- Hmm!
- No.
- Yes.
- I need a corset.
- No, you don't.
- No, I need a corset.
- You don't need a corset.
I need a corset. I'm going to go get it.
No, you don't need the corset.
I just need to get this up.
I just need to
I just need to pull it up a little bit.
- Just let me Stand up.
- Oh.
Stand up. Okay.
You don't need a corset.
It's fine.
- It's fine.
- It's fine. I heard, okay?
[percussive music playing]
Is this Angel Orensanz?
I love this place. You know what?
I went to a foam party here
back in the dizay.
Look at me gettin' my hair wet in public.
Who'd I think I was?
A skinny white girl? Shit.
- [Mavis] I love it so much.
- [camera clicking]
And honestly, you're really the only one
embracing color. Come on, texture!
I'm gonna need my entrance from inside.
Oh yes! Gotcha. Comin' up!
Hold up. Is this one of them
rich-people birthday parties
where they pretend they dead?
I always wanted to go to one of those.
- Oh, wait. Is this a living wake?
- [Bruce sighs]
Why are they crying?
This is my ex-husband's funeral.
Why aren't you taking pictures?
I'm sorry. I am just trying to process
where we are at right now.
I'm sorry, but I need pictures taken
as I get close to the casket.
No! No, Natasha. Absolutely not.
I did not sign up to make a mockery
of someone's funeral!
That is ridiculous.
This is not right.
I don't feel comfortable doing this.
Absolutely not. No!
Listen to me.
I don't think I've ever felt
like I was in my body until now.
Thanks to you.
I have waited for this day
for a long, long time.
How does my cleavage look?
Sitting pretty like two fuckin' coconuts.
[instrumental version of "Le Freak" plays]
I stan the gall.
Goodbye, my love.
He discovered me
when I was a hot little waitress
at the roller rink in Bay Ridge.
He said he could do something
with these long legs of mine.
I thought he just wanted 'em
over his shoulders,
and I was okay with that.
I was very slutty.
But he meant modeling.
And even though he left me for that
Ooh! [chuckles]
I owe him
my entire career.
So that is why I am here today.
And to deliver one parting gift.
It is said that pharaohs
took their treasures with them
to the afterlife.
So, in the event
that he gets to take
his fondest possessions,
he won't wanna live without this.
Mavis, my purse.
I am so sorry for my boss your loss.
I'm broke.
Credit card didn't go through for bananas.
Love the black lace.
Here's your purse.
[Natasha] Mm.
[attendees gasp and mutter]
[attendee] Ooh!
- Enjoy this in the afterlife, Bradley.
- [congregation gasps]
- Ew.
[attendee] Ah-ha-ha!
♪mazing grace ♪
How sweet the sound ♪
That reh heh-reh ♪
Like me ♪
[Khalil] Good job. Good job.
Unfortunately, time is up.
But don't forget tomorrow,
we're doing mixed media,
so bring in some, you know,
unconventional materials, a'ight?
And don't forget
your charcoal sets, a'ight?
So, um I was thinkin'
about some of the things that you said.
- Oh, did you now?
- Yeah, I did.
And, um
And I just kind of wanna let you know
that I'm the new proud owner of a couch.
Oh. Wow.
Uh [scoffs]
Look, I had a great time with you,
but I'm not looking for anything serious.
Se What, serious? Who's serious?
Well The whole fuckboi vibe?
Those were just observations
that work for me
because all I'm interested in
is havin' a li'l bit of fun.
I thought we were on the same page.
We are. Yeah, we are.
Definitely, same page.
Girl, we in the same book, okay?
Same library.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
Because you came to me pretty proud
about that couch thing.
Can a man not share
that he bought furniture?
Louise, I just bought a couch.
It's called small talk, okay? All right?
So just remember your
unconventional materials for tomorrow.
I haven't cried this much since
[somber music playing]
Well, Natasha, um
feelings are meant to be felt,
and, obviously, he meant a lot to you.
You know, I let myself
get consumed by resentment
for so many years.
And what was it all for?
I mean, all that wasted time
sitting in my house,
angry that he cheated.
Angry that he left.
Angry that he moved on
and found happiness.
It's really so hard to let go sometimes.
Not anymore, it isn't. He's dead.
[Peppermint] Natasha!
- [banging on window]
- [Peppermint] Natasha!
Oh my gosh, there are 10,000 people
watching this live. Come out!
Open the goddamn door! Open it!
[Peppermint] Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh my God!
Yes. Oh. [laughs]
Yes, honey. Hashtag Natasha Karina.
Hashtag body positivity.
Hashtag work, Mama!
Hashtag Mavis killed!
Wait, what? No, not killed.
Anything after Mavis but killed.
Not Mavis killed! Delete it! Do it again!
I can't, girl. Honey, we're already live,
but we're trending!
Where? In prison?
You ain't never met a bitch like me ♪
[Mavis] That is a lot of hearts.
["Ready" by Benét playing]
It's Friday night once again ♪
- Thank you!
- Yeah.
- Some champagne.
- Right.
You know,
watching Natasha go through that
with her ex,
I don't want that.
I don't wanna have years
of resenting Jacque and anger towards him.
I just know that I have to move past it,
and I don't know exactly how
I'm gonna do it, but I just
I just feel like
I have to get through the pain
to get to the other side.
Well, I'll tell you,
a big part of me envies you.
- Me?
- Yes, you.
You really took a big risk
starting over with your career,
and you did that
because you were passionate.
[Khalil] Yep.
Girl, it's been a long time
since I thought about
what makes me passionate.
Now, see, that's funny
'cause I thought you were passionate
about emasculating white men
in corporate America.
- Wow.
- I do that too.
But, I mean, what else is there?
There's gotta be more to life
than career, right?
Oh, Marley.
- [Marley] Really.
- Thank you so much for that.
Here's to Mavis!
- Here's to you for inspiring us all.
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Yes!
- Whoo-oo!
- Whoo!
It is said that pharaohs
Took their treasures with them
To the afterlife
So in the event that he gets to take
His fondest possessions
He won't wanna live without this
- ["Show Me Love" riff plays]
- [fan] Give it to me!
Live without this
[fan] Come on!
Live-live-live-live-live without this
[fan] Yes, girl!
This, this
Afterlife, afterlife
[cheering and applause]
[fan] Yes, Peppermint!
[hip-hop beat playing]
Betta know about me, babe ♪
Mm-hmm ♪
Betta know about me, babe ♪
Yeah ♪
I'm way too lit, I'm way too thick ♪
Talk a lotta trash, but I could bag it ♪
Betta know about me ♪
Mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Mm-mm ♪
Hey ♪
Mm-mm-mm ♪
Yeah ♪
Betta know about me, babe ♪
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