Surviving Suburbia (2009) s01e01 Episode Script
Hero
Remember to join us again tomorrow night with the result show of "dancing with the stars.
" They are just so beautiful when they dance.
- You should dance with mommy.
- And you should be in bed.
She's right, honey.
Come on.
Dance with me.
Dance with her, daddy.
- Dip her, daddy.
- Dip me, honey.
Dip me.
- My back! - Oh, god.
Are you okay? It's my back.
I think I threw it out.
Here, sit down.
I'll get you some ice.
Are you really hurt? I just didn't want to dance anymore.
But you dropped her.
I never do anything halfway, honey.
Remember that.
And I can always tell mommy.
Rememberthat.
All right, i'm back from the nursery.
I bought so much fertilizer, I think I'm on a Terrorist watchlist.
Hey, daddy, do you want to hear my paper for school? It's called "my Hero.
" Yeah, I think I do.
"My Hero is someone who is always there for me.
"I think about him when I'm happy, "and I think about him when I'm sad, "and then I'm happy again.
He is the most important man in the world to me.
" Anne, are you hearing this? "My Hero is Zac Efron from'High School Musical.
' mine used to be Chachi.
He is so cute, and he sings and dances, and I think about him every day.
Imagine if he was walking down the street, and then I was walking down the street, and then he looked at me, and then I looked back at him like this and then we got married and adopted babies from Africa.
Honey, that's very nice.
That's a very nice paper.
Thanks, dad.
I hope you have better luck with him than your mom had with hachi.
-= 101 =- " HERO " Sub VO : ¤Aka¤ Subs-Addicts" [Sub-way.
fr.]
Hey, morning, neighbors.
It smells like crap back here.
It's like the back of your house farted.
It's the fertilizer Mostly.
I'm hoping this isn't too much to ask, but can I leave one of my house keys with you guys? Gee, Onno, I don't think that's such a good idea.
What? Why? Don't you remember the last time a neighbor gave us a house key? It ended in disaster.
What happened? Well, we lost their key, and they couldn't get back into their house, and they were locked out.
- They didn't have their own key? - No, you'd think they would, right? And they went on vacation, and the guy went swimming, and he had the key in the pocket in his bathing suit, and, you know, they call it a pocket, but they should call it a "lose-it," you know? Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse us just a What? We'll be right What are you doing? I'm covering so we don't have to take his key.
That's what you want isn't it? You don't even like the guy.
I don't notlike him.
So, you like him? No, no, I mean, I don't no.
I mean, I don't not Stop it! It doesn't matter.
I mean, he's our neighbor.
What's the big deal if we take his key? As soon you take a neighbor key, you're taking n all kinds of responsibilities.
It's like you're their slave.
Yes, I think that was Abraham Lincoln's big issue.
The keys.
Look Trading keys is what neighbors do.
Really? We don't go around giving our keys to the neighbors.
Yes we do, but they don't give ustheirkeys because of you.
The whole neighborhood thinks you're a grumpy old man, the only defense I can give is that you're not that old.
Just We'll be right there.
Look, this guy doesn't know us.
Maybe he's gonna trust us with something, and then we can be friends.
And 20 years from now, we look back and laugh about this and go on a cruise with his new wife.
I want this key, Steve.
Wait a second.
Who have you been giving our keys to? How can you do this? How can you take the simple act of accepting a key and turn it into a 30-minute discussion? Is there no issue too small? - I just think that - Stop it! Stop it! You are exhausting me.
We are going to take his key, we are gonna put it in a drawer, - we're probably gonna forget about it.
- Exactly.
We're gonna forget about it.
Then a year later gonna open a drawer and pick up a key and go "what's this go to?" And then I'm gonna try it in every lock in the house.
We are taking his key! Fine.
I was just trying to save us time.
Onno, we would love to take your keys.
Love it.
Absolutely love it.
Could not be more excited.
Thank you.
You guys, you're great neighbors.
Thank you.
I almost forgot to mention, we're going away for a few days.
- I was hoping you would feed my fish.
- Sure.
'cause that's what you do when you take people's keys.
All right.
Thanks, guys.
Later, Pattersons! - See that? Now it begins.
- For crying out loud.
- I hate feeding fish.
- Small issue.
I know.
It's just you give them a little too much food, and then they all die.
At least it's quick, unlike this conversation which is killing me slowly.
What are you shushing me for? The man owns a strip club.
This is a holy place we're breaking into.
We're not breaking in.
He gave me a key.
I'm here to feed the fish.
I don't know what the hell you're doing here.
I've read about guys like this, guys in the flesh trade.
They have, like, dungeons and swings and collections of swizzle sticks.
A collection of swizzle sticks? - Yeah it's a thing you stir your drink.
- I know what it is.
What a rip-off! This looks just like myliving room.
Of course it does.
Now, will you just go home? Hey, you have that same book in your nightstand.
How would you know that? Anne gave me your key.
I bring in your mail when you go on vacation.
- I'm gonna check his medicine cabinet.
- No, you're not.
Is this what you do when you take in my mail? Mr.
Propecia.
Hey, it was a free sample.
Fish are terrible pets.
They don't do anything.
They don't come when you call them.
They don't look happy when you walk in the room.
They smell like fish.
God, I hate fish.
This is all anne's fault.
- What are you doing? - He's got a lot of'em.
You want one? They're from havana.
Those are good.
I hear they're rolled between the thighs of cuban virgins.
I don't know about you, but that sounds sweaty to me.
Look at this.
He's got a remote but no Tv.
I will marry this guy.
It's his address book.
- So? - So It's got all the numbers of all his strippers in it.
What makes you think they're strippers? Let's see Bambi that could be his accountant.
Jasmine, Pocahontas.
- We should call them.
- And say what? "How are you?" - Really? - That's just off the top of my head.
- Put the phone back.
- No! I want to call a stripper.
- How old are you? - How old are you? - Give me the phone, Jim.
- Give me the phone! - I'm telling your wife about this! - You are so immature! - Jim, the drapes are on fire! - I'm not falling for that old trick.
Since when is there an old "drapes on fire" trick? Help me! Run! I've got the address book! - Is he gonna be okay? - Absolutely.
So, how did this happen? Well, we were out back, recycling plastics, like you always ask me to do.
Not just plastics.
Paper.
Yeah, and then we saw smoke coming out of onno's house.
And green clippings from the yard.
We're just borrowing this planet, people.
- Anyway, I grabbed the key.
- Thank god he had the key.
And we ran over there, and Jim was yelling, "don't go in there! - You'll die!" - And I said, "yeah, but if idon't go in there, the fishwill die.
" "And that's not gonna happen.
- Not on my watch.
" - It was all very emotional.
So, I ran in, and I scooped the fish up in the first thing I could find.
And then I grabbed the aquarium, and I dumped it on the drapes, - and I called 911.
- Life is so fragile.
Next time, call us first.
Civilians shouldn't go into burning buildings.
My brain knows you're right, but my heart says something different.
So, you really went into a burning house? Daddy, you're my Hero.
Thanks, honey.
So, I guess that would make me your favorite parent.
Steve, buddy, I cannot thank you enough for saving my house.
Listen, I got a little surprise for you inside I think you're really gonna enjoy.
No, you didn't.
You brought home one of your dancers, didn't you? Hey, I'm a married man.
My wife's right next door.
It's a French maid, isn't it? No, no, no, I'm kidding.
I love my wife.
It's a lady cop, right? It's even better.
Okay, I'm just gonna take one look so I can get an image and hope my wife is in the mood later.
Surprise! Well, this is a disappointment.
The whole neighborhood wanted to honor the Hero.
Well, I wouldn't call myself a Hero.
- But it's all right if you do.
- Well, i will, because you are.
I mean, I nearly lost my house, Steve, and it's not just the house, it's the things that you can't replace the photos and the stuff from my parents and Charlie Tuna and Mr.
Limpet.
I can't even think about it.
Just go.
Enjoy the party.
Go.
Here you go, Patterson.
I know how you love your scotch.
And you apparently do, as well.
Yes, I do.
You know what I love more? - A Hero.
- You mean the sandwich, right? Patterson, I know there's always been this tension between us, but let's face it It could all be sexual.
Not all.
Listen, I have a little something for you.
Oh, god, right from the treasure chest.
It's my spare key to my house in case I go out of town, or in case you're walking through the neighborhood late at night with nothing to do.
Yeah, if anything ever happens to anne you've always been my backup.
I got to say, i'm a little irritated.
Everyone's treating you like a king, but I was there, too.
You threw brandy on it.
It's an accelerant.
I believe it's a liqueur.
Hey, dad, can I talk to you? Excuse me.
This better be good, son.
Seems a little awkward for me to walk out of there on Steve Patterson day.
Hey, to celebrate, why don't we smoke a cigar and spill some liquor on the drapes? That seems like an odd way to celebrate.
Dad, I know you started the fire.
I didn't think it was a lucky guess.
So, what are you gonna do? You gonna go back in there and blab to everybody like a little schoolgirl? Okay, dad, let's pretend for a minute that you're older than me.
I'mnot gonna tell, because I'm sure that, eventually, youwill.
Why would I do that? Because having people think you're some sort of Hero when you're not is gonna eat away at you.
You know, henry I kind of thought that that would be the case.
But, no, it isn't.
But it will.
You'll feel guilty every time you see a cigar or drapes or liquor.
Got to get rid of the guilt.
Honey, the strangest thing just happened.
I was standing by the other mothers.
Are you ready for this? They said, "hi.
" And they smiled.
And it wasn't that pity smile I normally get.
You know what, honey? All this attention is getting to me.
I think maybe we should just leave.
What? No.
No.
We are staying.
I have earned this.
You have earned this? Sweetheart, please don't take this the wrong way, but for years, people have been saying bad things about you behind your back, and I have always defended you.
Okay, well, not always, 'cause let's face it You've pulled some real doozies.
But Finally, they get to see the man that I have always said you were.
You know, when they break out the champagne, let someone else do the toast.
You.
- Hey, you guys having a good time? - Wonderful.
Yeah,, pretty good.
Good.
Look, I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but I've been struggling with a way to say thanks for Well, you know.
Anyway, I got this timeshare in cabo.
I want you guys to use it.
No, no, no, I can't.
We can't, because I already feel too guilty about the party and everything.
No.
It's three bedrooms, ocean view, infinity pool, the works.
It's on me.
No, I wouldn't feel comfortable.
I don't even speak spanish.
Hola! Are you out of your mind? Of course we'll take it, and thank you.
You're welcome.
Steve, have a Cuban.
Enjoy the party.
All right, let me get that for you Hero.
So, daddy, I'm gonna rewrite my whole paper, and I'm gonna call it "why my dad is better than Zac Efron.
" Honey, you don't have to do that.
It's gonna say that you became such a big Hero that Zac Efron wanted to meet you.
So, he came over to our house, and he said, "i'm happy to make your acquaintance.
" And then you said, "i'm happy to make your acquaintance.
And would you like to meet my daughter?" And then I looked at him like this And he fell in love with me, and he moved into my room.
Hope you don't mind.
Honey, I'm sure that's exactly how that's gonna happen.
- Time for bed, sweetie.
- Night, mommy.
Good night.
- Night, daddy.
- Night, honey.
What's this for? I have a confession to make.
I had a hard time believing your story about putting out the fire.
Some stories are hard to believe.
Yes, and that's what makes me feel so guilty about doubting you, right? I mean, of course you would put out a fire.
You're not a monster.
Monster? Where Where did that come from? Well, you know, all I'm saying is you're a good man.
You're a Hero.
There, I said it.
You're my Hero.
I said it again.
Honey, i, I have something to tell you.
Can it wait Until after we've made the best love we've had in 20 years? Well, that was fantastic.
A lot less fumbling than usual.
You are welcome.
So You ready for another round? Well, sure.
I'm just gonna, you know, grab a sandwich and take a little nap, and then I'm good to go.
I love you so much.
You know, when I look at your smile right now, you look just like you did back in college.
Better.
I just feel so close to you right now.
Isn't it great that, after all this time, can still be surprised by each other? I can't do this.
Well Honey I was just teasing you.
I know you need a 3-hour turnaround.
No, what I'm saying is I started the fire at Onno's.
You started the fire? Not intentionally.
It was an accident.
I was just over there to feed Onno's fish, and one of his cigars just You started the fire?! Dr.
Jim! Dr.
Jim did it.
He distracted me.
He wanted to call one of Onno's strippers, and I said no! And then the drapes just burst into flames! And then you lied to me, and then you slept with me! You lied to me to sleep with me! Hey, I've done that before.
How could you do such a thing? Because you're beautiful? Donotdo that! Do not use my beauty against me! Look, I'm a screw-up.
Everybody knows that.
But it didn't seem to bother you when we were dating.
And it didn't seem to bother you when we had kids.
It only bothered you when we moved into this damn neighborhood.
And then when I saw you and the neighbors and Courtney all proud of me I just wanted to be a Hero.
I think you have to do good deeds to be a Hero.
Well, sure, in hindsight.
Well, it's late.
We should go to bed.
Hi, daddy.
Do you think this looks like you? Why am in a dress? That's a cape, 'cause you're a Hero.
I really wish you'd stop calling me that, honey.
Good morning, Courtney.
Daddy, I can't wait to show my new paper to my teacher.
I bet she'll want you to come into class.
- About your paper.
- What? I want you to change it.
- Why? - Steve, what are you doing? I need to set the record straight, because it's important.
So, anyway I really wish you'd stop looking at me like that.
You know, with love in your eyes.
'cause heroes are supposed to be honest.
Honey, what your dad is trying to say is, who would you rather have save you from a burning building? Dad or Zac Efron? Well, I guess dad.
Zac could get hurt.
I think your dad is a Hero, and you should keep your paper the way it is.
I'm gonna go check my e-mails now.
What was that about? Look, what you were just about to do is very brave.
Not, you know, "putting out an actual fire" brave, but for you, really up there.
And brave guys should be heroes to their children And their wives.
But, you know, in the future, let's just try to be honest.
I better call Onno and cancel the condo.
We are using that condo.
- But you just said to be honest.
- Yeah, to me, not the neighbors.
Wasn't Mexico great? I don't know.
It just seems everywhere you turn, there's needy people.
Yeah, but if you give them a peso, they'll go away.
You guys are home early.
I made popcorn.
- What are you doing? - I brought in your mail.
You're welcome.
- Give me back my key.
- After the game.
Hey, the ultrasuede feels really good on the area.
We need a new couch.
Come on, honey.
So, who's winning? Team Subs-Addicts"
" They are just so beautiful when they dance.
- You should dance with mommy.
- And you should be in bed.
She's right, honey.
Come on.
Dance with me.
Dance with her, daddy.
- Dip her, daddy.
- Dip me, honey.
Dip me.
- My back! - Oh, god.
Are you okay? It's my back.
I think I threw it out.
Here, sit down.
I'll get you some ice.
Are you really hurt? I just didn't want to dance anymore.
But you dropped her.
I never do anything halfway, honey.
Remember that.
And I can always tell mommy.
Rememberthat.
All right, i'm back from the nursery.
I bought so much fertilizer, I think I'm on a Terrorist watchlist.
Hey, daddy, do you want to hear my paper for school? It's called "my Hero.
" Yeah, I think I do.
"My Hero is someone who is always there for me.
"I think about him when I'm happy, "and I think about him when I'm sad, "and then I'm happy again.
He is the most important man in the world to me.
" Anne, are you hearing this? "My Hero is Zac Efron from'High School Musical.
' mine used to be Chachi.
He is so cute, and he sings and dances, and I think about him every day.
Imagine if he was walking down the street, and then I was walking down the street, and then he looked at me, and then I looked back at him like this and then we got married and adopted babies from Africa.
Honey, that's very nice.
That's a very nice paper.
Thanks, dad.
I hope you have better luck with him than your mom had with hachi.
-= 101 =- " HERO " Sub VO : ¤Aka¤ Subs-Addicts" [Sub-way.
fr.]
Hey, morning, neighbors.
It smells like crap back here.
It's like the back of your house farted.
It's the fertilizer Mostly.
I'm hoping this isn't too much to ask, but can I leave one of my house keys with you guys? Gee, Onno, I don't think that's such a good idea.
What? Why? Don't you remember the last time a neighbor gave us a house key? It ended in disaster.
What happened? Well, we lost their key, and they couldn't get back into their house, and they were locked out.
- They didn't have their own key? - No, you'd think they would, right? And they went on vacation, and the guy went swimming, and he had the key in the pocket in his bathing suit, and, you know, they call it a pocket, but they should call it a "lose-it," you know? Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse us just a What? We'll be right What are you doing? I'm covering so we don't have to take his key.
That's what you want isn't it? You don't even like the guy.
I don't notlike him.
So, you like him? No, no, I mean, I don't no.
I mean, I don't not Stop it! It doesn't matter.
I mean, he's our neighbor.
What's the big deal if we take his key? As soon you take a neighbor key, you're taking n all kinds of responsibilities.
It's like you're their slave.
Yes, I think that was Abraham Lincoln's big issue.
The keys.
Look Trading keys is what neighbors do.
Really? We don't go around giving our keys to the neighbors.
Yes we do, but they don't give ustheirkeys because of you.
The whole neighborhood thinks you're a grumpy old man, the only defense I can give is that you're not that old.
Just We'll be right there.
Look, this guy doesn't know us.
Maybe he's gonna trust us with something, and then we can be friends.
And 20 years from now, we look back and laugh about this and go on a cruise with his new wife.
I want this key, Steve.
Wait a second.
Who have you been giving our keys to? How can you do this? How can you take the simple act of accepting a key and turn it into a 30-minute discussion? Is there no issue too small? - I just think that - Stop it! Stop it! You are exhausting me.
We are going to take his key, we are gonna put it in a drawer, - we're probably gonna forget about it.
- Exactly.
We're gonna forget about it.
Then a year later gonna open a drawer and pick up a key and go "what's this go to?" And then I'm gonna try it in every lock in the house.
We are taking his key! Fine.
I was just trying to save us time.
Onno, we would love to take your keys.
Love it.
Absolutely love it.
Could not be more excited.
Thank you.
You guys, you're great neighbors.
Thank you.
I almost forgot to mention, we're going away for a few days.
- I was hoping you would feed my fish.
- Sure.
'cause that's what you do when you take people's keys.
All right.
Thanks, guys.
Later, Pattersons! - See that? Now it begins.
- For crying out loud.
- I hate feeding fish.
- Small issue.
I know.
It's just you give them a little too much food, and then they all die.
At least it's quick, unlike this conversation which is killing me slowly.
What are you shushing me for? The man owns a strip club.
This is a holy place we're breaking into.
We're not breaking in.
He gave me a key.
I'm here to feed the fish.
I don't know what the hell you're doing here.
I've read about guys like this, guys in the flesh trade.
They have, like, dungeons and swings and collections of swizzle sticks.
A collection of swizzle sticks? - Yeah it's a thing you stir your drink.
- I know what it is.
What a rip-off! This looks just like myliving room.
Of course it does.
Now, will you just go home? Hey, you have that same book in your nightstand.
How would you know that? Anne gave me your key.
I bring in your mail when you go on vacation.
- I'm gonna check his medicine cabinet.
- No, you're not.
Is this what you do when you take in my mail? Mr.
Propecia.
Hey, it was a free sample.
Fish are terrible pets.
They don't do anything.
They don't come when you call them.
They don't look happy when you walk in the room.
They smell like fish.
God, I hate fish.
This is all anne's fault.
- What are you doing? - He's got a lot of'em.
You want one? They're from havana.
Those are good.
I hear they're rolled between the thighs of cuban virgins.
I don't know about you, but that sounds sweaty to me.
Look at this.
He's got a remote but no Tv.
I will marry this guy.
It's his address book.
- So? - So It's got all the numbers of all his strippers in it.
What makes you think they're strippers? Let's see Bambi that could be his accountant.
Jasmine, Pocahontas.
- We should call them.
- And say what? "How are you?" - Really? - That's just off the top of my head.
- Put the phone back.
- No! I want to call a stripper.
- How old are you? - How old are you? - Give me the phone, Jim.
- Give me the phone! - I'm telling your wife about this! - You are so immature! - Jim, the drapes are on fire! - I'm not falling for that old trick.
Since when is there an old "drapes on fire" trick? Help me! Run! I've got the address book! - Is he gonna be okay? - Absolutely.
So, how did this happen? Well, we were out back, recycling plastics, like you always ask me to do.
Not just plastics.
Paper.
Yeah, and then we saw smoke coming out of onno's house.
And green clippings from the yard.
We're just borrowing this planet, people.
- Anyway, I grabbed the key.
- Thank god he had the key.
And we ran over there, and Jim was yelling, "don't go in there! - You'll die!" - And I said, "yeah, but if idon't go in there, the fishwill die.
" "And that's not gonna happen.
- Not on my watch.
" - It was all very emotional.
So, I ran in, and I scooped the fish up in the first thing I could find.
And then I grabbed the aquarium, and I dumped it on the drapes, - and I called 911.
- Life is so fragile.
Next time, call us first.
Civilians shouldn't go into burning buildings.
My brain knows you're right, but my heart says something different.
So, you really went into a burning house? Daddy, you're my Hero.
Thanks, honey.
So, I guess that would make me your favorite parent.
Steve, buddy, I cannot thank you enough for saving my house.
Listen, I got a little surprise for you inside I think you're really gonna enjoy.
No, you didn't.
You brought home one of your dancers, didn't you? Hey, I'm a married man.
My wife's right next door.
It's a French maid, isn't it? No, no, no, I'm kidding.
I love my wife.
It's a lady cop, right? It's even better.
Okay, I'm just gonna take one look so I can get an image and hope my wife is in the mood later.
Surprise! Well, this is a disappointment.
The whole neighborhood wanted to honor the Hero.
Well, I wouldn't call myself a Hero.
- But it's all right if you do.
- Well, i will, because you are.
I mean, I nearly lost my house, Steve, and it's not just the house, it's the things that you can't replace the photos and the stuff from my parents and Charlie Tuna and Mr.
Limpet.
I can't even think about it.
Just go.
Enjoy the party.
Go.
Here you go, Patterson.
I know how you love your scotch.
And you apparently do, as well.
Yes, I do.
You know what I love more? - A Hero.
- You mean the sandwich, right? Patterson, I know there's always been this tension between us, but let's face it It could all be sexual.
Not all.
Listen, I have a little something for you.
Oh, god, right from the treasure chest.
It's my spare key to my house in case I go out of town, or in case you're walking through the neighborhood late at night with nothing to do.
Yeah, if anything ever happens to anne you've always been my backup.
I got to say, i'm a little irritated.
Everyone's treating you like a king, but I was there, too.
You threw brandy on it.
It's an accelerant.
I believe it's a liqueur.
Hey, dad, can I talk to you? Excuse me.
This better be good, son.
Seems a little awkward for me to walk out of there on Steve Patterson day.
Hey, to celebrate, why don't we smoke a cigar and spill some liquor on the drapes? That seems like an odd way to celebrate.
Dad, I know you started the fire.
I didn't think it was a lucky guess.
So, what are you gonna do? You gonna go back in there and blab to everybody like a little schoolgirl? Okay, dad, let's pretend for a minute that you're older than me.
I'mnot gonna tell, because I'm sure that, eventually, youwill.
Why would I do that? Because having people think you're some sort of Hero when you're not is gonna eat away at you.
You know, henry I kind of thought that that would be the case.
But, no, it isn't.
But it will.
You'll feel guilty every time you see a cigar or drapes or liquor.
Got to get rid of the guilt.
Honey, the strangest thing just happened.
I was standing by the other mothers.
Are you ready for this? They said, "hi.
" And they smiled.
And it wasn't that pity smile I normally get.
You know what, honey? All this attention is getting to me.
I think maybe we should just leave.
What? No.
No.
We are staying.
I have earned this.
You have earned this? Sweetheart, please don't take this the wrong way, but for years, people have been saying bad things about you behind your back, and I have always defended you.
Okay, well, not always, 'cause let's face it You've pulled some real doozies.
But Finally, they get to see the man that I have always said you were.
You know, when they break out the champagne, let someone else do the toast.
You.
- Hey, you guys having a good time? - Wonderful.
Yeah,, pretty good.
Good.
Look, I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but I've been struggling with a way to say thanks for Well, you know.
Anyway, I got this timeshare in cabo.
I want you guys to use it.
No, no, no, I can't.
We can't, because I already feel too guilty about the party and everything.
No.
It's three bedrooms, ocean view, infinity pool, the works.
It's on me.
No, I wouldn't feel comfortable.
I don't even speak spanish.
Hola! Are you out of your mind? Of course we'll take it, and thank you.
You're welcome.
Steve, have a Cuban.
Enjoy the party.
All right, let me get that for you Hero.
So, daddy, I'm gonna rewrite my whole paper, and I'm gonna call it "why my dad is better than Zac Efron.
" Honey, you don't have to do that.
It's gonna say that you became such a big Hero that Zac Efron wanted to meet you.
So, he came over to our house, and he said, "i'm happy to make your acquaintance.
" And then you said, "i'm happy to make your acquaintance.
And would you like to meet my daughter?" And then I looked at him like this And he fell in love with me, and he moved into my room.
Hope you don't mind.
Honey, I'm sure that's exactly how that's gonna happen.
- Time for bed, sweetie.
- Night, mommy.
Good night.
- Night, daddy.
- Night, honey.
What's this for? I have a confession to make.
I had a hard time believing your story about putting out the fire.
Some stories are hard to believe.
Yes, and that's what makes me feel so guilty about doubting you, right? I mean, of course you would put out a fire.
You're not a monster.
Monster? Where Where did that come from? Well, you know, all I'm saying is you're a good man.
You're a Hero.
There, I said it.
You're my Hero.
I said it again.
Honey, i, I have something to tell you.
Can it wait Until after we've made the best love we've had in 20 years? Well, that was fantastic.
A lot less fumbling than usual.
You are welcome.
So You ready for another round? Well, sure.
I'm just gonna, you know, grab a sandwich and take a little nap, and then I'm good to go.
I love you so much.
You know, when I look at your smile right now, you look just like you did back in college.
Better.
I just feel so close to you right now.
Isn't it great that, after all this time, can still be surprised by each other? I can't do this.
Well Honey I was just teasing you.
I know you need a 3-hour turnaround.
No, what I'm saying is I started the fire at Onno's.
You started the fire? Not intentionally.
It was an accident.
I was just over there to feed Onno's fish, and one of his cigars just You started the fire?! Dr.
Jim! Dr.
Jim did it.
He distracted me.
He wanted to call one of Onno's strippers, and I said no! And then the drapes just burst into flames! And then you lied to me, and then you slept with me! You lied to me to sleep with me! Hey, I've done that before.
How could you do such a thing? Because you're beautiful? Donotdo that! Do not use my beauty against me! Look, I'm a screw-up.
Everybody knows that.
But it didn't seem to bother you when we were dating.
And it didn't seem to bother you when we had kids.
It only bothered you when we moved into this damn neighborhood.
And then when I saw you and the neighbors and Courtney all proud of me I just wanted to be a Hero.
I think you have to do good deeds to be a Hero.
Well, sure, in hindsight.
Well, it's late.
We should go to bed.
Hi, daddy.
Do you think this looks like you? Why am in a dress? That's a cape, 'cause you're a Hero.
I really wish you'd stop calling me that, honey.
Good morning, Courtney.
Daddy, I can't wait to show my new paper to my teacher.
I bet she'll want you to come into class.
- About your paper.
- What? I want you to change it.
- Why? - Steve, what are you doing? I need to set the record straight, because it's important.
So, anyway I really wish you'd stop looking at me like that.
You know, with love in your eyes.
'cause heroes are supposed to be honest.
Honey, what your dad is trying to say is, who would you rather have save you from a burning building? Dad or Zac Efron? Well, I guess dad.
Zac could get hurt.
I think your dad is a Hero, and you should keep your paper the way it is.
I'm gonna go check my e-mails now.
What was that about? Look, what you were just about to do is very brave.
Not, you know, "putting out an actual fire" brave, but for you, really up there.
And brave guys should be heroes to their children And their wives.
But, you know, in the future, let's just try to be honest.
I better call Onno and cancel the condo.
We are using that condo.
- But you just said to be honest.
- Yeah, to me, not the neighbors.
Wasn't Mexico great? I don't know.
It just seems everywhere you turn, there's needy people.
Yeah, but if you give them a peso, they'll go away.
You guys are home early.
I made popcorn.
- What are you doing? - I brought in your mail.
You're welcome.
- Give me back my key.
- After the game.
Hey, the ultrasuede feels really good on the area.
We need a new couch.
Come on, honey.
So, who's winning? Team Subs-Addicts"