Surviving Suburbia (2009) s01e02 Episode Script

Project Run Away

Jim, you're out of beer! - Did you just change? - I put on my pajamas.
It's only 6:30.
I want you to leave.
I didn't want to hurt your feelings, so I'm being subtle.
- Come on.
- Seriously.
You've been here forever.
Take the hint.
Just give me another half-hour.
Anne's all stressed out 'cause we got this big project due for our daughter.
The endangered species one? Charlotte has the same thing.
She's doing the Chilean sea bass.
- I love sea bass.
- Me too.
It should be a project on delicious species.
I don't know why anne cares so much.
You don't learn anything in the third grade.
Until junior high, kids are basically morons.
You should get on my plan.
I told Cheryl, "in this house, if our daughter has a project, it's her responsibility.
" And Cheryl's okay with that? Well, I kind of said it in my head and she's out of town, so it all worked out.
Your plan doesn't work when you've got Carl Gurbach in your class.
Carl Gurbach? He's the second most-hated guy in the neighborhood.
- Who's the first? - You don't want to know.
- I hate Carl.
- Me too.
Daddy, where's the nail gun? Honey, you know you're not allowed to play with power tools.
They're dangerous.
Let me finish my drink, and I'll get it.
-= 102 =- " Project Run Away " Sub VO : ¤Aka¤ Subs-Addicts" [Sub-way.
fr] See? There.
Courtney, doesn't that look much better? Well, it does.
What's this for? That's our ice for the polar bear to stand on.
So you're using hazardous, nonbiodegradable materials for a conservation project.
Henry, I love that you care about the earth and stuff, but knock it off.
I just think it's ironic that the fossil fuels used to make this styrofoam are what's melting the actual ice for the polar bear.
Pass the glue.
Dead horses.
Nice.
Oh, good.
I didn't Miss the project.
Steve! Honey! Can I talk to you? You don't even have to ask.
It looks great.
It looks so real.
Please, Mr.
Polar bear, don't eat me.
- I don't like it.
- Yes, you do.
Steve, listen.
You know, I was thinking.
Maybe you should do courtney's project with her.
I don't know, hone I had a really tough day.
I'm just wiped out.
You have beer on your breath.
It's gum.
It's beer-flavored gum.
Just, please, all right? Please.
She's impossible.
Everything has to be her way.
- The right way! - It's not polite to eavesdrop, honey.
Why can't you just let her do it her way? - I can't.
- Why not? It's not good.
She does it wrong.
I don't know.
I wish I didn't care, but I do.
I'm tired of fighting with her.
Okay, relax.
Calm down.
I'll take over.
Sometimes i'mgladi married you.
So, Courtney, what do you want me to do? I got it.
You can make us some cocoa.
- Can I check my e-mails first? - Take your time.
You're awesome.
What's going on? Hey, dad.
Rhonda came over.
I you don't like me coming to front of your house so I hopped your fence like a fugitive slave.
You know, it's not that I don't want you coming to the front the house.
It's that I don't want you coming to the house.
Which is why I come every day.
You know, Rhonda, in a perfect world where you weren't a teenager and pregnant all the time and hanging out with my son, we could be friends.
I'm done! - That was fun.
- Yodidn't do anything.
That's what made it fun.
- Can I come in now? - Hold on a second.
All right.
- All right, all set.
- I'm so excited! I can't wait! Prepare to be wowed.
- You don't like it.
- No, honey, I love it.
It's great.
I really get it.
You know, it's got a great attitude.
It's going extinct, but it still likes to party.
Thanks.
Well, you better get to bed, sweet pea, 'cause you've got a big day tomorrow.
- Good night, Coutney.
Love you.
- I love you, too! Are you high?! I'm not gonna lie to you.
I think I been getting a buzz off that Rubber cement.
Maybe this is my fault.
I mean, did I ask you to build a polar bear project, or did I accidentally say, "build a crap platter"? I would have remembered "crap platter.
" - Honey, she can't turn this in.
- Why not? It looks like it was done by a third grader.
- Isn't Courtney in the third grade? - Okay, don't play dumb with me.
I'm not playing.
I might be legitimately dumb.
All the other parents are helping their kids.
- Yeah, they're not supposed to.
- Yes, but they do.
And as a mother I can't let Courtney show up to that classroom and be embarrassed.
That's what's wrong with this whole neighborhood.
Everything is a competition.
Why is a school project a competition? Why is a birthday party a competition? Why is a soccer game a competition? Because it's a game where they keep score.
We're not supposed to kick the ball for them.
And we're not supposed to do their school projects for them.
All right.
You know what, hon? You're right.
- You're gonna redo it, aren't you? - I have to.
I'm either gonna stay down here all night fixing it or stay up in bed all night worrying about it.
If you're gonna be in bed, maybe I can, help you take your mind off it.
Boy, you really know how to read me, don't you? Rhonda's gone.
I think 11:15 is a good time to put the baby to bed.
- Can I use the computer? - Sure.
I just finished writing a little letter.
Your mom's caught up in this insanity at school, so it's dad to the rescue.
Take a look.
"Dear Mrs.
Muncie, thank you so much for assigning this wonderful project.
" No, no, no.
Read it more sarcastically.
"Dear Mrs.
Muncie, thank you so much for assigning this wonderful project.
" Okay, that's really close.
But you've got to hit the "wo-o-o-nderful.
" "Wo-o-o-nderful.
" 'cause it's not "wo-o-o-nderful.
" Get it? Go on.
"My one question is this.
What's the point? "There is no way a third grader "could complete such a project by themselves, "so basically you are grading the parents.
"I barely finished my homework when it was my homework.
So if you think I don't have better things to do.
Keep reading.
I end it with a quote from Dr.
Martin Luther King.
- You cannot send this e-mail.
- Why not? Look, I had Mrs.
Muncie, and even though you may be right about all this, she can be very vindictive.
So promi me you won't send this e-mail.
- I promise.
- Good.
On an unrelated topic, how would one go about un-sending an e-mail? - Sit.
- Sitting.
So, how was your day? Honestly, I'd have to gi it a c-minus, which is, coincidentally, the grade that Courtney got on her polar-bear project.
That is coincidental.
I've got goosebumps.
You just had to write that e-mail to Mrs.
Muncie.
I thought we agreed you were only gonna use the computer for porn! I was doing it for you.
So I went a little overboard.
That's what I do.
I'm a warrior.
No, Steve.
Warriors destroy their foes.
Had you killed her, we would have no problem.
You've merely irritated her.
Hey, everything I wrote in that e-mail is true.
Yes, it was true, but that's not the point.
You can rant and rave in the home all you want.
We've learned to tune it out.
But you took it outside the family.
- And that's bad? - Yes, Steve, it is bad.
So you are gonna come with me to the open house atchool tonight.
Wait, wait, you told me I didn't have to go to open houses anymore.
I embarrass you, remember? I do remember.
I do.
But this time you pre-embarrassed me.
And I can no longer say that you're too busy to be involved because you have left a paper trail.
- That's not fair.
- This is not for me.
This is for Courtney.
If it were for me, believe me, I would lock you in a closet where you could do no damage.
I would love that, by the way.
All right.
So, what do you want me to do at the open house? First, do no harm Which means you need to be pleasant, you need to be friendly, you need to be - Someone else? - Exactly.
And then you need to find mrs.
Muncie, and you need to deliver some world-class ass-kissing.
But she was wrong.
That's it.
Get it out here.
Keep it in the family.
Anything else? Then you need to tell her that you were mistaken about my involvement in Courtney's project.
In other words, I need you to Courtney needs you to lie.
Can you do that? Baby, I don't know.
I'm not a very good liar.
Right.
Just like that.
Okay, we're here.
Time for open house.
Good god, what is that smell? Charlotte's project.
Jealous? I thought we were supposed to turn them in yesterday.
Genius like this takes time.
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be awed.
I give you "the chilean sea bass a tragedy at sea.
" That is sickening.
Powerful, powerful stuff.
It's not even a sea bass.
It's a trout.
I admit I may have gotten to the market a little late.
Charlotte, we're gonna need another nail! Do you see? Do you see, Steve? This is why the parents help so the kids don't make terrible projects.
- You know what's sad? - What? Jim did help.
You think we should tell him how bad that thing is? Are you kidding? The kids are graded on a curve.
Courtney's not gonna get the worst grade.
Come on.
We're gonna be late.
I'll take care of this in the car.
Shotgun! You know, there's an odd, eerie peacefulness to this room.
That's right.
Your family's not here.
Yeah, my dad screwed up, so they're down at the school fixing it.
You do realize that all of your stories start with, "my dad screwed up.
" That's not true.
Some start with, "my mom's really mad at my dad.
" Anyway, I got to go.
I know want to hear about my pregnancy symptoms, I've got to treat one of them.
It's super gross.
Before you go, can I ask you something? Quickly.
Who's karma's father? - I told you.
I don't know.
- I don't believe you.
Henry, why do you care? Because I care about you.
Isn't the new band teacher lame? Karma's father is everything that you're not.
He's selfish.
He's dishonest.
And he's cowardly.
He's not even cute.
- Really? - No, he's really hot.
But everything else I said is true.
Then why won't you tell me who he is? Well, because I care about you, too.
And you know him, and I don't want you to think less of me.
I kind of think of you as my friend who also happens to be a boy.
- Really? - Really.
So, for now, can we please drop it? Sure.
Don't squeeze.
I have a lot going on in here.
Oh, my god.
Would you look at these projects? Maybe you got a c-minus because you're not as good as the other parents.
Some of these parents hire professionals.
At least I had the integrity to do Courtney's project myself.
- Don't you see how crazy this is? - See it? I liveit.
Okay, here comes Mrs.
Muncie.
You know what to do.
Yeah, bring on the ass.
And make sure you congratulate her on her baby.
Mrs.
Muncie? I'm Charlotte's dad, Dr.
Jim, DDS.
I don't get a chance to come down here very often 'cause the tooth game keeps me pretty busy.
Charlotte dear, the cafeteria sent over an ice chest just outside.
Would you be a dear and place your project in it? I'll help.
She's a lovely girl.
But in the future, maybe she shouldn't put a nail through the actual animal she's trying to save from extinction.
Food for thought.
Mrs.
Muncie I don't think you've ever met my husband, Steve.
It is a pleasure to meet you.
So this is the disgruntled Mr.
Patterson.
Please, call me the disgruntled Steve.
And congratulations on the baby.
- Thank you.
- When are you due? I had my son six months ago.
So, about that e-mail that I sent - There she is! - Carl Gurbach.
It's starting to get really douche-y in here.
I just wanted to thank you for the beautiful toy chest.
- You bought her a toy chest? - Actually, Carl made it.
It's no big deal.
I had the oak.
I had the table saw.
What was I gonna do Not build you a toy chest? Besides, our little hunter just adores you.
- He's a delight.
- Hunter dear, come say hi.
Hey, there, hunty.
What did you do to your face there, ace? I'm Iron Man! He's so creative.
- Takes after his father.
- Guilty.
I have to make! So, anyway Yeah, Mrs.
Muncie, I wanted to talk to you about courtney's project.
That's fine.
Would you like to talk now, or would you like to hide behind another cowardly e-mail? I totally deserve that.
Look, I had a few beers.
I had a little scotch.
I wasn't thinking straight.
That explains the all caps.
That's shouting, you know.
Writing that e-mail was a stupid mistake.
But I can't take all the blame.
Friends don't let friends type drunk.
Isn't that right, honey? You see, it's funny 'cause he drinks.
And I think I may have overstated my wife's involvement in the polar-bear project.
She only helped out a tiny bit.
Well, I design these assignments for the children to do completely by themselves.
Right.
What I meant was she didn't help out at all.
She wasn't even in the house.
Frankly, I don't know where she goes at night.
I like to keep him guessing.
I'm not an idiot.
But look at these projects.
Every parent helped out a little.
Well, I can't speak for everyone, but my hunter did his project completely on his own.
He got an "A.
" We're so proud.
- Of course you are.
- This is it! - We're so proud.
- Yeah, you said that.
Push that little button there.
Squawk! Only 60 of us left in the wild! Squawk! Are you kidding me? Carl, that's your voice.
You work at the natural history museum.
This is all you.
I know what hunter "makes," and it's not that.
You know what, Patterson? Don't be mad just because my son is smarter than your daughter.
I believe in a lot of crazy things Ufos, bigfoot sightings, - that size doesn't matter.
- It doesn't, honey.
But nobody on this earth is gonna tell me that your dopey little monkey is smarter than my daughter.
"Monkey"? You did not just call my son a monkey.
Ignore him, Carl.
He's not half the father you are.
Hey, he is agreatfather.
He cares enough to come down here and suck up to you, even though you're wrong and he's right, because he loves his daughter.
You know what, Anne? Nobody speaks to me like that in my classroom.
Well, that is your problem, because I am done.
I'm done playing nice and following your rules because, - I'm sorry, don't even make any sense! - Sweetheart.
I mean, there's no way, there's no friggin' way, that a kid who can't tie his own shoes and once glued his hand to his cheek could make that all by his lonesome! There's no reason to shout.
There's every reason to shout! The system is broken, all right?! The system is broken, and everybody in here knows it! You know it! You know you're a liar! You're a liar! You never returned my blender! - Are you okay? - What did I just do? I'm afraid you just went tside the family.
I have to go back in there and apologize.
I don't think now's a good time.
I am so sorry I embarrassed you.
Embarrassed me? Are you kidding? I am so turned on right now.
"So, once again, "i am so deeply sorry for my outburst.
You are a wonderful teacher.
" Read it less sarcastically.
Don't hit "wonderful" so hard 'cause itwonderful.
"So, once again, I am so deeply sorry" hey, what are you guys doing? Nothing, nothing.
Just writing a story.
'cause I thought you guys were writing a letter to my teacher.
Okay, you got me.
Well, you don't have to.
Look at this.
Mrs.
Muncie changed my grade to a "B.
" Why? Well, I told her that you and daddy were fighting a lot and having married-people troubles.
You know, like Jimmy's parents.
Jimmy's parents are getting a divorce.
Yeah.
And Jimmy's getting straight "A's.
" He doesn't even know how to read.
Does it make me a really bad mother that I am so proud of her right now? You realize you a dad are going to have to pretend to have marriage problems.
I think we can handle that.
Team Subs-Addicts"