Surviving Suburbia (2009) s01e05 Episode Script

Steve?! Where are you?! Honey, where's your dad? No idea.
You can come out, Dad.
It's just me.
Whoa.
That was close.
Hiding from Mom again, huh? Yeah, she wants to do the welcome-basket thing with the neighbors.
Uh-oh.
Yeah.
Every time I give someone a gift, they get the wrong idea that, you know, I want to be friends.
So, uh, what are you working on? I'm making Rhonda a "congratulations" card.
She's pregnant.
Rhonda, the 17-year-old up the street Rhonda? Uh-huh.
I thought she already had her baby.
Yep.
This will be her second one.
Well, then she deserves congratulations.
"Congratulations -- we all thought it couldn't happen again, but you proved us wrong.
" Look, I care about her, and I'm trying to cheer her up.
She feels really bad.
Oh, she shouldn't feel bad.
She should feel ashamed.
But we don't feel shame in this country anymore, do we? That's why China's kicking our butt.
You know what they do when they do something wrong? They kill themselves.
That's the Japanese.
Well, they're kicking our butt, too.
Steve! To the batcave! Henry, can you help me find your dad? He's hiding in my closet.
Come on, Honey.
Time to act like a grown-up.
I am a grown-up! Enjoy your closet.
I farted in it.
I just don't understand why he's so fascinated with a girl who's already got one kid and another one on the way.
Hell, that's when I started losing interest in you.
It's great that you feel comfortable enough to joke and remind me that no other woman will have you.
Hey, Monica! Hi, Anne! Hi, Monica! Well, at least she didn't flip you off like last time.
Of course not.
That would require some exercise.
And what's the deal with that scooter? I mean, she can walk.
Right now, it's like she's golfing without clubs.
Okay.
This is fascinating.
Let's go.
Do we have to do this? - Yes, Honey.
Like it or not, these people live next to us, and they're gonna be a part of our lives.
And I want them to be a positive and rewarding part, so please be on your best behavior.
Yes? Hi! We're your new neighbors -- Anne and Steve.
And we just wanted to say, "welcome to the neighborhood.
" So, welcome to the neighborhood! Here.
Welcome.
And if you ever want to come over, just call first.
Are you Anne Patterson? Yes.
Oh, my gosh! You've heard of me? - Kind of.
You know how when you buy a new house, the previous owners have to disclose any defects? Yeah.
They disclosed you.
Excuse me? - Yeah.
Yeah, they said you were a nosy neighbor.
Look at this.
First day -- boom, here you are.
Oh, I -- well, I Steve? Believe me, I'd have been happier never meeting you.
Well, these are pretty.
They look like the ones growing over there on the power pole.
What are they -- tulips? Tulips -- that's good one.
They happen to be bougainvillea.
I grew them from a tiny clipping.
Now they're the pride of the neighborhood.
That make it into your little report? Hey.
- Oh, hey! Pattersons, this is my daughter -- Jenna.
Jenna, these are the, uh -- the neighbors.
That one right there -- that's Anne.
That's the one we were told about.
Dad likes to tease people.
Yeah, right.
Uh, come on in.
You know you've been dying to.
Okay, Honey, I know you don't mean anything by it, but when a man your age stares at a girl that age, he looks like an idiot.
Please, that is so cliché -- The middle-aged man lusting after the nubile virgin.
Interesting.
So, does she have to be a virgin for this little fantasy of yours to work? Doesn't matter.
Either way, you're out of town.
There's that joking that you love.
Yeah.
And my daddy and I went to a movie, and we read together, and he made me Mickey Mouse pancakes.
Okay, kids, come on into the other room.
Mrs.
Olson will help you with your crafts.
Yay! Yay! - Yay! Yay! I really love hanging out with you, daddy.
Me too, honey.
Mom always wants us to learn stuff.
Don't worry.
You won't be learning nothing on my watch.
Another beer? - You have to ask? Thanks.
You know, Anne made this sound like a boring father-daughter thing.
I didn't realize it'd be mostly drinking and gossip.
Yeah.
Who needs to go to Vegas when you've got Frontier Princesses night? Hey, speaking of gossip, um, what are the new neighbors like? 'Cause my wife said that the daughter is really beautiful -- Really beautiful.
Yeah.
Anne was waiting for me to look at her, so I had to look at anything but her.
Girl probably thought I had Asperger's.
WellI'm gonna look.
See, you don't mind looking like a pervert, but my image matters to me.
Since when? Just because I don't like someone Doesn't mean I don't want them to like me.
It's important for me to be thought of as a good husband and a good father and a good man.
And since, uh, I'm none of those things, perception's all I got.
Look, Mommy, we made dream catchers.
You hang it over your bed, and it catches all the bad dreams.
Ohh.
That is so pretty, Honey.
It looks just like a beautiful spider web after the spider's had a few.
Daddy helped me.
Yeah, I figured.
Look, I'm sorry.
I know you don't like it when we drink at the meetings, but that's the reason our group's so popular.
Okay.
I'm not upset at you.
Here.
- What's this? A letter from Onno's lawyer.
He wants us to chop down the bougainvillea! Oh, man.
This dude has no idea who he just picked a fight with.
Yeah.
I want you to go talk to him.
What? No way! You talk to him.
I can't.
- Why not? Because I've been disclosed! That bothered you? Yes! Yes, honey! Apparently I'm so annoying, I affect property value! I'm just trying to help people, you know? 'Cause sometimes I know more than they do, and everybody thinks I'm criticizing them.
But I'm not.
I'm not! I mean, it's coming from a good place.
You believe that, don't you? I believe whatever you tell me.
Nobody else does.
They all just think I'm mean and bossy.
And I don't want them to think that, so why can't you just do this for me?! Fine.
Oh.
I love you, honey! Lucky me.
Oh.
Hi, Steve.
Or should I call you "Mr.
Patterson"? Uh, you -- you can just call me, uh, "Mr.
Steve Patterson.
" Sorry about all the sweat.
I was just doing power yoga.
It really makes your stomach look awesome.
See? It's okay.
I've seen them.
No, I mean, I've -- not yours.
I-I've seen my wife's.
She works out.
I'm -- I'm -- I'm a father, you know.
Yeah.
Henry's your son, right? I met him outside earlier.
He seems nice.
Yeah, he's fine.
Umso, is your -- is your dad home? Uh, nope.
He's not here.
All right.
Then I-I really got to go.
Bye.
Can I ask you something? Uh, uh, yeah.
What is it? Well, you have a pool, right? Yeah, yeah.
Very, very, very nice pool.
Very clean.
Why? Could I come by and use it sometime? Sometime? Sure.
Fine.
Yeah.
Thanks! I'll see you Saturday! What? You're the best.
Hi, Monica.
Pervert! And she just goes tooling by on her little clown scooter with her potbellied pig or whatever the hell that thing is, looking at me like I'm the freak! Well, why don't you just tell Anne what happened? She'll understand.
Really? Let me show you how that conversation goes.
You be me, and I'll be Anne.
Okay.
Uh, listen, Honey, the, uh -- the neighbor girl invited herself over on Saturday to use the pool.
You mean the neighbor girl you couldn't keep your eyes off of? Yes, I could.
But, still, you invited her over to parade around in a bikini and get all wet? No.
She invited herself over.
And I bet you couldn't say yes fast enough, could you? No.
You don't understand.
What I'm trying to tell you, honey -- And while you were over there with "girls gone wild," did you happen to save my plant?! Well, no, because Onno wasn't there! Onno wasn't there?! Then why the hell didn't you come straight home?! Well, I tried to, but she grabbed me! Grabbed you?! - Yeah.
Grabbed you where?! Why don't you ever hold me?! I want a divorce! Wow.
Yeah.
Okay, forget that.
Honesty never works anyway.
Plan "B.
" You need a cover party.
Have Henry invite some of his friends so Jenna will blend in.
What do I do about Onno? Onno.
You tell Anne that you think Onno has the law on his side, and so you're gonna invite him to the party, too, and she can charm him into dropping the lawsuit.
That's pretty good.
Who knew dentists were so smart? Well, why wouldn't we be? We're doctors.
Okay, let me get this you want to throw a pool party.
Yes.
You.
Why is that so hard to believe? Because it's you.
I just thought it'd be nice to have some people from the neighborhood over.
Henry, you want to have a party? - No, thanks.
What?! - I'm not interested.
What 17-year-old doesn't want to have a party? We'll let you have beer.
No, we won't.
Dad, no offense, but you don't like any of my friends, and the only person I really want to come over is Rhonda.
Rhonda? Really? Okay, just let her know if she gives birth in the pool, it voids the warranty.
Cool.
It's gonna be off the hizz-ay! What? What is going on? The truth.
Fine.
I didn't want to tell you this, but, uh, without this party, your bougainvillea is dead.
What?! Why? I talked to Onno, and the law's on his side.
But I figure if we get him over here, you can charm him.
I mean, come on.
When you try who can resist you? Okay.
I guess that's true.
I better start making some plans.
You really think I'm irresistible? And you'll be in a bathing suit.
Come on.
Rawr! Hey, Dad.
Look who's here.
Rhonda! And, uh, this, uh -- this must be your baby.
Little -- what's his name? Karma.
Karma.
Isn't that a girl's name? Wait, it's not a name at all.
Well, we can't all have exciting names like "Steve.
" Rhonda's mom needs some help.
Rhonda's mom? You mean Monica? Yeah.
She brought her scooter.
SoMonica.
I'm really glad you could come -- really, really glad.
But I'm not actually there yet, am I? No.
No, you're not.
You're just three little steps away.
So, come on down.
What about my scooter? You won't need it.
What if I want to sit down? We've got chairs.
What if I want to go somewhere? You've got feet.
What if I tell your wife you play grab-ass with the neighbor girl? Let me help you with that scooter.
I mean, you got to take my word for it.
This lady was a drooler.
Okay.
I'm gonna go talk to other people now.
Hey! - Hey.
I could've used your help with that scooter a minute ago.
Yeah, I saw.
That looked heavy.
I don't know why I let you talk me into this.
This party is full of people I don't like, don't want to talk to, and can't look at.
Hey, neighbors! I gotta go.
Hey! I'm Dr.
Jim.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Thank you.
I'm Onno.
This is my date, Vicki, and my daughter, Jenna.
Yes, she is.
This party blows.
All the guys are married.
Ooh! What kind of cheap electrical system have you got here, Patterson? You know, it works better if you're standing in the pool.
So, what do you do for a living? Oh, uh, I own mostly cash-only businesses -- You know, coin-operated laundromats, who owns a strip club? Onno does, officially making him the best guy to live in this neighborhood since He's it.
He's the best.
So, I'm in traffic school, I'???bus.
Well, then some baby starts crying.
I start lactating, and next thing I know, my vintage Aerosmith shirt is soaked.
Hey, Henry.
Oh, Jenna.
So, what's up? My nippies are leaking.
But what's up with you? Can you give us a minute? I can now.
Ahh! There she is -- our smoking-hot hostess.
I loathe you.
Excuse me? I was gonna be nice to you.
I was gonna charm you and laugh with you.
Is this about the bougainvillea? It's about the bougainvillea.
It's about the letter from your lawyer.
It's about bringing one of your strippers to my home.
Uh I am not a stripper.
I teach kindergarten.
You do? Uh-huh.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Just, you know, you look like a I mean, you know what you have.
Uh You're pretty enough to be a stripper! Look, I'm sorry, but I was told that bougainvillea's flammable, and it's wrapped around a power pole.
Well, you could've told that to my husband when he came over to talk to you.
I didn't talk to him.
I've been out of town for three days.
He didn't talk to you? No.
But don't worry.
Look, I've decided to drop the whole thing because Steve has been so nice to my daughter.
Wellwhat does -- what does that mean -- been -- been so nice to your daughter? The other night.
He came over and invited her to use the pool.
So, he didn't come talk to you, but he did invite your daughter over to swim.
Tell me more! Hey Steve! I just don't understand why he's so fascinated with a girl who's already got one kid and another one on the way.
Hell, that's when I started losing interest in you.
It's great that you feel comfortable enough to joke and remind me that no other woman will have you.
Hey, Monica! Hi, Anne! Hi, Monica! Well, at least she didn't flip you off like last time.
car washes, a strip club.
Really? I've always wanted to know someone who owned acar wash.
Would you excuse me a minute? - Yeah.
I just met your neighbor.
I'm converting all my money to singles.
What are you talking about? He owns a strip club! I got cut on that stupid bougainvillea.
You guys ever think about chopping that thing down? How did you get up there? I drove through the living room and came up the driveway.
It's a lot faster than dragging it down the steps like you did.
Hey.
Why do you like them? Who? You know who -- easy rider and the breeder.
You won't understand.
- Try me.
I see Rhonda for who she really is.
I mean, haven't you ever wanted somebody to look at you -- I mean, the real you -- look past the right choices or the mistakes you've made, look past all the superficial stuff, and see you for who you really are? Son That's my worst nightmare.
Mr.
Steve Patterson? Jenn hi.
I was just -- Is something wrong with me? Is something wrong with you? Why -- why would you say that? Well, it's just, I've been trying to get Henry's attention all day, and he completely ignores me.
All he cares about is that pregnant girl and her baby.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Henry's not normal.
He's not attracted to looks, popularity, that whole thing.
He's really messed up.
But you hang in there, okay? Sometimes things work out for the beautiful people.
Thanks.
Steve, are you in here? Well, it's too bad.
I just wanted to tell you, I'm not mad.
I mean you did go to an awful lot of trouble to avoid telling me the truth.
but I realize, you know, you were trying to do a good thing.
and I'm really upset about my bougainvillea being cremated, and I desperately need a hug.
Uh, Mom? He's not in there.
He's hiding in the shed.
You know what? I'm gonna slap a lock on that thing.
You can let him out in an hour.
I'm gonna go take a bath.
You know, you could've given her a hug.
She's obviously in a lot of pain.
Sorry about the closet again.
I've got to change my diet.