Survivor's Remorse (2014) s04e04 Episode Script

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1 I want to start a a family foundation in honor of my uncle Julius.
Starting Calloway Philanthropic Trust, which will donate $5 million to surgeries for kids who deserve to breathe the same fresh air that we all breathe.
Hi, I'm Cassie Calloway and welcome to the world premiere of my podcast.
With me, I have my son, Cameron Calloway, and my proud lesbian daughter Mary Charles.
I'd like to ask if there's anyone who might be harboring a desire for a homosexual experience to rise.
So beautiful to see people for who they truly are! We need to tell them, "Get the fuck out.
" - You smug motherfucker! - Please, Mary Charles, Mary Charles Hold up! Homosexuals make you shiver with revulsion! [ALL YELLING] I don't want no scrub A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me Hanging out the passenger side of his best friend's ride BOTH: Trying to holler at me I don't want no scrub a scrub is a guy - What's up, beautiful? - Baby, do you think I should get breast implants? Mm, I think you're perfect as is.
Get in here.
I want company.
Give me two seconds.
I gotta piss.
Ah, my Romeo.
A scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me Missy, call me back.
I need you running my gala event.
Say yes, please! Sorry, I'm yelling.
Okay, bye.
I cannot believe I ate four pancakes.
You would've ate the plate if they let you.
That's why I motioned to the busboy, - 'cause you was going in.
- Hey, hey, watch it.
That's Cam Calloway! I told you that was him! Hey, ladies.
- Oh, can we get a picture? - Yeah.
- Get in, y'all, get in.
- Okay.
Oh, can you take some? Full body.
- All right, thank you ladies.
- Ooh, Cam.
Thank you, with your fine ass.
Cam-Cam a little slim thick thing, ain't he? Way thicker than he looks on TV.
Okay, girls, I gotta go.
Y'all have a good one.
This is as good as it's gonna get.
Unless you come home with us.
[LAUGHTER] Bye! I left my shades in the restaurant.
Look, I'm gonna go get 'em.
I'll be right back.
Can I ask you something? - Certainly.
- How did you bag a man like Cam? Pardon me? - Pardon me.
Pardon me! - Certainly.
- Polly want a cracker? - Pardon me.
So what does Cam like besides these uppity chicks? You treat him right? You saw the smile on his face.
He thinks so.
She say he think so.
He can't know unless he been with a real bitch.
Talk about smiles on faces, shit.
I'll put a smile on his face.
We just talking 'bout Cam Calloway.
Why you mad? She mad 'cause she basic as fuck.
- Who you calling "basic"? - Who answered? I keep Cam more than satisfied, sweetie.
Oh, yeah? You dead bug him? Polly might need a translator.
Do you eat his ass? Dead bug is when he lays on his back like a dead bug while you eat his butthole like it's a pudding cup.
If not, you gon' lose him to a lady who does.
- Mm-hmm.
- A real lady eats ass, baby.
It's true, even though it sounds contradictory.
Go ahead and dead bug that boy or Cameron just upgrade to a real white girl.
They doing everything! So, I made a list of pros and cons, and I think I'm gonna do it.
You don't need to do it.
I got very few cons on my list.
Baby, maybe I don't declare it enough, but I want to state clearly, again, I love your breasts.
- Thank you.
- Don't matter when I'm looking at you, clothes on or clothes off.
Clothes off, I see them in all their splendor.
Clothes on, I marvel at what's going on underneath there and at the fact that while many men may speculate, I actually know.
Get your what are you doing? I don't want you to get implants.
Wait, what? I don't want you to get implants.
You thought I was talking about getting breast implants? Yes, I did.
Why are you laughing? Upstairs, you, uh, like an hour ago, you said that.
Before I got in the shower, I had read a post on Twitter, about men and breasts, and then that started a separate train of thought once I was in the shower, but in more of a glancing way, not an overly-contemplative, reassessing way.
And yet, right when you opened the shower door, you caught me thinking to myself.
Audibly, naked, and pointing at your breasts.
No, no breast implants.
I want to talk to you about something else.
Cam asked me to be the chairperson for a gala event for the family foundation.
You think it's a bad idea? I think it's an idea that should remain an idea.
- Pro number one.
- Ah, Missy.
I'll be helping people, helping kids with the Frozen Nostril Syndrome, and other charities that Cam's foundation has been formed to help.
Plenty of other ways to help.
Pro number two.
It'll raise our profile in Atlanta.
Raise my profile as an all-purpose event planner, and media and charity consultant.
Because what's a profile for if it ain't being raised? So you're with me so far? I am with your pros, inasmuch as they are pros in their hopeful form, unsullied by the emotional whims of Cam, a big-hearted man-child whose mother and sister will have whims of their own of what a gala should look like.
They like me.
Oh, no, they will like telling you what to do.
Menu suggestions, music suggestions guest list and and gift bag suggestions, all presented as suggestions, but soon revealed to be commands just disguised as suggestions.
I know all this.
Yeah, well, knowing it don't change it.
If I know that I'm about to step in a pile of shit, and then I step in a pile of shit, I still stepped in a pile of shit, and that's on me, Missy.
That ain't on that pile of shit.
Don't you think that this is a grand gesture of trust, from Cam to me? Yes.
But I also think it's more than just that, to be what it actually is until some future moment arrives, and it's the the unpredictable, mysterious, unknown future that gives me pause, as it should you.
You don't think I can learn from my mistake.
You could.
You might, [STAMMERING] or you could just not make them at all.
Look, I'm sure when Icarus put on his wax wings and he flew into the sun, somebody said, "Yo, Ick, you sure you want to do this?" Cam told me that I would run the show, and I like being the boss.
Then you don't want this job.
But I do.
I do.
I so, so do.
Then go with God, because it will take a supernatural being to get you through this in one piece.
[SQUEALS] Okay, let's go tell Cam in person.
Mm-mm! Today is his off day.
He'll be off all day.
We'll go when we done.
- You already ready to go again? - I am a virile man.
I'm looking at you, about to look at you naked, so yes, take your shirt off.
Let me get some of this perfect.
Oh, trust me, this is gonna be so great.
- This part will be.
- Mmm.
- Oh yeah? Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Here we go.
Three, two, one.
Welcome to the first live streaming of the "Things We Think That You Should Think Too" podcast.
Hi! I'm Cassie Calloway, the woman that's doing all of the thinking, and I'm joined by my love, apparel magnate Da Chen Bao, my producer, Squeeze, and the world's oldest college freshman, my daughter Mary Charles.
Let her be proof that it's never too late for you to get smart.
So, Mary Charles, why don't you tell us what you're studying? Psychology.
So your microaggressions don't work on me.
Oh, so just in case you guys didn't pick up on that, that is a educated lady talking.
So, um, why don't you tell us what microagression is? It's when, despite there being 50 rooms in this mansion, you choose the one room I'm studying in to set up your podcast right next to me.
Oh, that's not a microagression.
That's just inconsiderate.
You know, normally my daughter and I would have a catfight after such an exchange, but the new grateful me is just gonna simply say that, you know, I'm just so blessed to be in this big, beautiful-ass house.
You know? I'm just counting my blessings.
I'm blessed, blessed, blessed, blessed! But there are a lot of people out there who aren't blessed.
You know, a lot of people out there need help.
That's why this podcast promotes the Calloway Philanthropic Trust.
If you got some money you want to give away to a good cause, we are the trust you can trust.
Our foundation is doing a lot of great work.
I mean, we're helping kids breathe and shit.
You know, the Calloway family is all about sharing our voluminous blessings.
Very generous, Miss Cass.
That's who I am, Squeeze.
I just wouldn't be grateful if if I didn't count my blessings.
You know, I got this big beautiful house.
You know, my banging figure.
- Oh, my God.
- CASSIE: My 12,000 podcast followers.
My billionaire boo.
On paper, not liquid.
My multi-millionaire star athlete son, and my beautiful lesbian daughter.
Ma, don't say "lesbian" like it's an accomplishment.
It ain't! It is an accomplishment to be a part of a normal family whose mother doesn't care that you sleep with women.
See, now that's a microaggression.
This is judgmental America, okay? Not not the island of Lesbos.
Look, I am just blessed to be under this big roof and have a beautiful lesbian daughter underneath that roof.
I want people to know that I know that I'm blessed.
Why is it that when people start going on and on about their blessings, it kind of just sounds like braggings.
It's kind of like saying you got more of God than other people.
All right, so, since we're live streaming, fans and followers can comment in real time, so why don't you post a comment, and we'll pick out the best one.
So since today's topic is blessings, and I've already said mine, who's up next? [WHISTLING] You know what I realized yesterday? It's really hard to be in a bad mood if you whistle.
Like, my out whistles a lot better than my in whistle, though I gotta work on that.
What's wrong? Nothing.
That's a "nothing" that sounds like a something.
Do you think I'm a basic bitch? What? When you ran back to get your sunglasses, those women called me a basic bitch.
Sorry about that.
They really came for me.
Like a pack of hyenas.
Wanted to rip their hair out.
It's good that you didn't.
Turn around.
I want to find them.
No, you don't.
- Oh, I do.
- Oh, you don't.
Then drop me off, and I'll fuck 'em up myself.
Baby, you don't want to end up on WorldStar.
You don't want to end up on WorldStar.
I don't give a fuck.
We don't want to end up on WorldStar.
[STAMMERING] Come on, babe.
That's not you.
This is me when I want to fuck somebody up.
Because if that shit happens to me again, I'm gonna start sticking up for myself, and using these fucking hands to crack some fucking heads.
Do you expect me to eat your ass? [STAMMERING] Wait, what are we doing right now? We're trying to ascertain your sexual expectations, and the subject of ass-eating's on the table.
How'd this table get in the Tesla? Those same women said if I don't start dead bugging you you're gonna upgrade to a real white girl.
Wow, you guys talked about a lot.
Upgrading from you is impossible, and I have no clue what dead bugging is.
You lay on your back like a dead bug while your asshole gets eaten.
By who? Whoever likes that kind of shit! Actually, whoever likes licking shit.
I'm sorry.
Part of being famous is having to deal with assholes.
And apparently, eating them.
And my last, most important blessing, is my Cassie.
- Oh, thank you, baby.
- [CHUCKLES] - Oh, my goodness, and speaking of blessings - Hi.
and my actual baby, my son Cam and his girl Allison.
Y'all come on in! We're live streaming to my over 12,000 followers.
Only about 23 are on right now.
Well, today's topic is blessings, and we're telling all the people all the things that we should not take for granted.
Join us! Ma, we we're gonna go work out.
Oh, come on.
Come come talk to the people.
Look, baby, you're gonna be running for senator one day.
And you don't want people thinking that you're too good for your mother's podcast.
Plus, we want to talk about all the plans for the Calloway Philanthropic Trust.
Uh, just a second, Ma.
Oh, okay.
Well, hurry up.
Don't take too long.
We can go.
I'm fine.
Nah, I ain't going on that.
Let's just go say a quick hi.
She asked you about truffle butter last time you were on there.
I just learned about dead bugging.
I ain't afraid of no truffle butter.
When people are good pe Come on! What's the hold-up? CAM: Ma, I'm tremendously blessed.
[STAMMERS] We're just gonna take a flyer.
Okay, well, I I'm disappointed, but if the journey that God has you on - is leading you away from my microphone - It'll be fun.
I'm not doing it.
Trust me on this.
Okay, you know what? Forget you, I'm going.
Okay, okay, fine.
Can I still join you right now? As blessed as you are? Of course you can.
Allison Hey, hey, just go to the gym, party pooper.
Allison can speak for herself.
We're good.
Hey, what's dead bugging? What? I'm fine, Miss Cass, thanks.
Truth is, like you said, I am very blessed.
Oh, you're with my son.
You sure are.
[CHUCKLES] Well, you know, lately, I've been starting to ask myself, why is it that some black women feel like the only way for them to be somebody is to crap all over someone else? What black women? Who? What is with the black community tearing its own people down? Ooh, yes, this this is a good topic.
Oh, no, no, we're talking about blessings this episode.
We can talk about the black community next episode.
This is a problematic phrase, "the black community.
" [STAMMERS] I work with black people.
I live with black people.
I market to black people, and I can tell you there are many black communities, within this so-called "black community.
" Yeah, well, we'll talk about it next episode.
Ma, we're already talking about it.
I'm trying to keep it positive.
I hate how people in America want to make all people from Asia into something called "the Asian community.
" They go sticking Chinese and Japanese and Koreans into one big group! We are not a community.
The people of our nations have been warring for centuries.
Long before humans invented ships, our ancestors would travel on foot to murder and pillage each other.
The notion that Chinese and Koreans and Japanese and Vietnamese and and Laotians and Cambodians and Filipinos and Polynesians and Thais all share the same troubles, concerns, wants, and wishes is a fiction! Just as with pasta and calligraphy, Asians perfected genocide long before Europeans did.
Well, thank you, Chen.
Your perspective is a blessing.
It's like he said, Ma, the black community have been too slow to accept gay folks.
A lot of people in the black community got a lot of ignorant things to say about gay people.
White people do, too.
We ain't discussing white people right now.
White people ain't in the black community.
Hall and Oates came close.
Till people got a look at 'em.
I still wonder about Oates.
The topic Allison just brought up is the black community.
For next week.
This week, we're talking about blessings.
Well, speaking of bragging about blessings, there's a lot of holier-than-thou black church folk who ought to re-examine who they're casting stones at, trying to throw people like me out of the community.
If we're all one big black community, a lot of us hate a lot of other of us.
I like you.
Squeeze, you're wearing a rugby shirt, and you listen to Willie Nelson.
Thanks, but you're in the last row of the black community.
Today I didn't appear black enough to some of Cam's fans.
What exactly are the constituent elements of the black community, as you define it? Well, one would think all of the black community, but there's too many of us trying to kick each other out for one thing or another.
Look, I'm not saying that it's not important.
I'm just suggesting that we actually think about the things we think that you should think too, rather than blurt out a rash of things we may not think, but think are worthy of discussion.
Because if we discuss things without knowing what we think about them, people may think we actually thought things we don't really think are for certain.
And that could be bad.
So let's save this dialogue for next week, thank you.
Miss Cassie, we're up to 5,000 people watching now.
Ma, when you talk about the black community, the black community comes out to hear what you think about them.
Okay, well, I guess since the black community is engaged, what y'all want to talk about? Well, maybe they can explain to me how does calling me "basic as fuck" make you any blacker? That's what they said? Basic? It's like saying somebody does typical things.
Aw, baby, being basic has nothing to do with how black you are.
I mean, look at your cleavage.
That ain't basic.
It's black and it's beautiful.
Just lower your zipper a few inches and you're good.
It's a mean girl thing.
It's not just women, though.
It's the black community as a whole.
So I'm out because I'm not black the way you want me to be black.
What do I gotta do to prove that I'm black? Why can I not get a cogent answer? Who who exactly is in this idea of black community that you put forward? It's not like we have meetings.
but if you do the wrong shit, like support the wrong politician.
Or if you do the right shit, like get an education and a job.
Or if you don't do shit, and they ain't got shit to do.
People be talking about I'm out because I'm dating you.
I don't want you out of your community.
- Well, I don't care.
- Hey I do.
That's black people for you, always at each other.
We're the "I wish a motherfucker would" type people.
There are a ton of women like me that if they weren't famous, people would be calling them "basic.
" Ooh, like that ballerina, Misty Copeland.
But when you're better than white people at their own shit, we love that.
The Williams sisters.
- Gabby Douglas.
- Simone Biles.
Tiger Woods.
Doesn't one of the factions of the non-existent Asian community get maternal credit for him? No.
His mom can be Asian all day long but in the USA, we are whatever race the police say we are.
Okay, Tiger Woods in the Nike golf hat.
Tiger Woods in the hoodie.
Still black.
Tiger Woods at the Waffle House.
Black guy looking for white waitresses.
[LAUGHTER] Look, as far as I'm concerned, I don't care what you wear, where you live, who you wanna date, but when it comes to that kitchen, there is no gray area.
I like my food black.
- Yep.
- [LAUGHTER] I must admit, I started losing weight once I stopped eating black.
Now I eat sushi, salad, and quinoa.
- Nice.
- Devonte "AllBlackAllDay" Cummings has started a hashtag, #tastebudssowhite.
[LAUGHS] Oh, look at this one.
"Squeeze tastebuds so white they started a mayonnaise fan club.
" "Squeeze's tastebuds so white, they think all tastebuds matter.
" "Squeeze's tastebuds so white, they let their dog ride shotgun.
" Oh, yeah, got jokes.
Bring it on.
But my white taste buds no longer have high blood pressure, so fuck y'all.
I'm from Dorchester.
I'm about as far away from a white black person as you can get.
Devonte "AllBlackAllDay" says, "Allison is six feet away from you.
" Kiss my ass, Devonte.
I'm black.
I grew up around black people.
I went to a black school.
I eat neck bones.
Ladies, I know I don't look it, but my family is country.
I grew up on ham hocks, greens and black-eyed peas.
And pickled pigs' feet? - All day.
- What? Well, not all day.
New hashtag, #tastebudssoblack.
"Allison's tastebuds are so black, they know who shot Tupac.
" See? A few minutes ago they had you whiter than Christmas in Utah, and now you're a ride or die chick.
That's black.
Then on that note, I'm out.
Oh, come on! Where you going? You know what? I got one thing to add.
Listen, you've been adding shit all day.
What? Officially, on the mic.
Whoa! Whoa, ah ah! Please.
Thank you.
Some people think about being black as being marginalized.
If that's the case, I'm gonna tell you who the blackest black people are.
The black lesbian.
Women are a marginalized group.
Gay women are a subset of that group.
Black women are a subset of that group.
The only thing blacker or more of a fucking subset is a gay black woman in a wheelchair.
Eating a pig foot sandwich.
If it wasn't for black lesbians, there would be no black community.
I mean, Patrisse Cullors, [STAMMERING] Ma Rainey, Audre Lord, we get shit done.
Hell, if it wasn't for Harriet Tubman, we'd all still be slaves and this little podcast here would be about birthing slave babies.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You saying that Harriet Tubman was gay? She might have been, might not.
You act like I said she was a murderer or something.
If she wasn't gay, she's an honorary member of the gay community for how she took a stand, more of a stand than other people, in the name of freedom.
Okay, now the gay community I am familiar with.
What? By which I mean, I am aware of its existence.
And I might assume that the rules of inclusion are somewhat simpler to understand than those of the black community.
If you're a guy and you like the peepee, you're in, for example.
But yes, Harriet Tubman I read about in prep school.
She saved slaves.
And many Chinese worked the railroads, which adds to her appeal.
Wrong railroad, love.
[TABLET CHIMES] Oh, we got another hashtag.
This is why they censor the Internet in China.
What is it, baby? Let me see.
First, I would like to say to Diva "LivingLifetotheFullest" Jenkins, apologies.
But just because I don't know every single detail of every metaphor ascribed to every person who's ever fought for the freedom of black people in America, doesn't make me a bad person.
Do you know what Mao Tse Tung did? Or Ming Chengzu? Do you know Emperor Wu of Han from their Emperor Wen of Sui? No? Then stick your ass in a pot of hot glass.
You know what, I created this podcast to promote positivity, but right now, all I feel like I wanna do is fucking claw somebody's fucking face off.
- It's all right.
- No! Baby, it is not all right.
You know how they say, "When they go low, we go high.
" Oh, no, not today.
You wanna go low? Come on, let's go low.
Let me start here.
First off, the reason why your ass don't have a profile pic, is because you're a coward.
You're ashamed.
I don't even know you you get up out of bed every day knowing that you have to spend the rest of your day just being you.
I bet you if you even tried to trade your life with a starving poor kid with a bug in his eye that kid would be like, "Nah, I'm good.
" You are fucking lucky that I am blessed, and that I have a podcast, and that my son has a reputation to keep, and we have a mission that needs to be fulfilled, 'cause I ain't from Buckhead.
I'm from the motherfucking streets! What do you think would be a good spot for the gala? Uh, Atlanta Historical Society is nice.
You don't like the Ritz Carlton? I love the Ritz.
It's expensive.
We could get a sponsor.
What do you think would be a good one? Coca-Cola.
It's an Atlanta base.
You don't like Delta Airlines? Delta's another great choice.
[SQUEALS] I'm so excited.
There's so much to plan.
Baby, I'm telling you, this is my wheelhouse.
I know it.
CASSIE: make it so fucking hard.
You all are some fucked up motherfuckers! You are ruining this country We can celebrate tomorrow.
Fat motherfuckers fucking this shit up! You think we should go back in and see if everything's okay? No, no we shouldn't.
And you said greed.
We will never hear from your dumb ass again! - ALLISON: Hey.
- CAM: Huh? [BOTH CHUCKLE] - Whoa, hey! - What? You can't just be doing that type of shit without some type of discussion first! We discussed it earlier in the car.
No, that was not a discussion.
You just sprung a question on me, which in retrospect I am much more amenable to than you trying to spring a finger in me.
That was a finger, right? If you want me to eat your ass, I'll eat your ass.
Never said I desired that.
You never said you didn't, either.
Okay, well, I'm saying it now.
And you still have yet to say if that was your finger or not.
Of course it was my finger.
Damn! You know, you got some big ass fingers.
You could fight crime with them things.
[CHUCKLES] Baby, you cannot let insecure women with low self-esteem get in your head.
Knocking you off-balance is the only way that they can feel like that they matter.
I've been dealing with the same shit with these wannabe ball players whose hoop dreams have left them years ago.
Can you pass me my phone? Come here.
Who wrote that about you? A human being.
A fellow being on the Earth thought that he should find this photo, edit some shit, find a font, and then put it out for the world.
It's just it's some people, you know.
Some people just ain't good.
Shitty people are everywhere.
They're in our world, and there's more of them being made every single day.
The bad bitches and their shade, the Internet trolls who are uploading shit from their laptops.
People who aren't for people.
Those people are in our world.
I don't think that the world was made for those people.
I think it was made for people of goodwill.
People who lead with love.
People like us.
People like us.
We just gotta stick together.
So, no dead bugging? [CHUCKLES] No.
Baby Yeah? Can you do me? Sometime I like it hot Sometime I like it cold Sometime I like it fresh Sometime I like it old Sometime I like it easy Sometime I like it rough Sometime I like it so much I can't get enough Oh oh I just like it like I like it I just like it like I like it I just like it like I like it I just like it like I like it Ooh ooh ooh