Survivor's Remorse (2014) s04e05 Episode Script
The Gala
1 We're starting the Calloway Philanthropic Trust, which will donate $5 million.
Kids born with Frozen Nostril Syndrome deserve my compassion.
Our foundation is doing a lot of great work.
I mean, we're helping kids breathe and shit.
Cam asked me to be the chairperson for a gala event for the family foundation.
Do you think it's a bad idea? I think it's an idea that should remain an idea.
And I think I'm gonna do it.
If I know that I'm about to step in a pile of shit, and then I step in a pile of shit, I still stepped in a pile of shit, and that's on me, Missy.
That ain't on that pile of shit.
That looks good, boys.
Oh, hey, Mary Charles.
I thought you already left for school.
I wanted to see the unveiling of yet another statue in your ever-expanding and now backyard-dominating saints collection.
Well, say hello to St.
Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.
Why are people praying to lost causes? Why not pray for some shit that actually could happen, like me getting a pool back here? You know, you understand nothing.
I was under the understanding I'd be standing next to a pool once the gazebo got demo'd, but I still don't see a pool.
Pools kill more Americans than guns.
Get the fuck out.
I will stay the fuck in.
Come on, folks, this is a sanctuary, all right? Enough with the fuck-bombs.
F-bombs, not fuck-bombs.
Look, we got slate paths and and shrubs and shit.
What's done is done, and you heard what Chen said, "Pools kill more Americans than guns.
" Not black Americans.
Ain't a black American alive who wouldn't prefer to get pulled over by a cop holding a pool.
Drowning in pools, bathtubs, oceans, and lakes kills more people than guns.
This is a fact.
Because most people take baths and go to the beach.
If more kids spent their summers playing with uzis, - the facts would differ.
- If you want to swim, go to that big Olympic pool at your fancy university.
I don't want a pool to swim in.
I want a pool to sit by.
Pools are for parties, and we don't have enough.
We're hosting a huge gala tomorrow.
That's a charity event, not a bash.
We're gonna have to behave.
Look, when people come to the gala, they are gonna know that the Calloway family gives props to God.
- [PHONE BEEPING.]
- Miss Cass, Missy needs me.
Go.
I gotta go over the gala video with Cam.
Then I gotta lay off 5,000 workers via Skype.
- Wish me luck.
- Okay.
Put a pool out front.
I'll buy.
How about you hold on to that money and save their jobs instead? Hey, I didn't invent automation.
Humans gotta figure out a new way to make themselves useful.
Besides, most of the layoffs are children.
Kidding.
Ma, I get you going back to church and all, but why do you have to have a statue of an old Jewish woman so prominently displayed? The Virgin Mary was Catholic.
Mary's Jewish.
She gave birth to Christ, for Christ's sake.
You give birth to Christ, you're Christian.
I mean, Christianity basically started inside of her.
At the very least, her ovaries are Christian.
I gotta get to class.
Mary Charles, I need to thank you.
Last summer, if you weren't such a stickler for prying into the past, I may never have sought solace from God again.
You are responsible for me revisiting my Catholic roots, as modest as they were, so thank you for that.
Of course, Ma.
You know, um, God didn't consult the Virgin Mary when he put the Baby Jesus inside of her.
You know, he didn't even tell her himself.
He sent the angel Gabriel.
And Gabriel didn't ask Mary.
He said, "Yo, heads up.
You got some fruit in your womb.
" He didn't say, "The creator wants to put the savior inside of your belly.
Are you cool with that?" No.
God just did it.
You know, maybe he knew that Mary would think that she wasn't strong enough to give birth to the messiah, but you know what? She was.
God never asked me if I wanted to be pregnant with you either.
But I'm glad I was.
Me too, Ma.
Otherwise you'd be standing here talking to yourself right now.
God could have worked on getting some consent before the fact, though.
Look, I'm not saying that it was God's will what happened to me.
I mean, God can't stop the bad things from happening to us.
You know, that's not how he worked it out.
Sometimes, baby, you just you gotta be strong.
You're stronger than strong.
Do you know I realized that I've existed up until now just moving forward, but never appreciating the here and now? 'Cause the here and now's here and now.
That's exactly why they fucking call it that.
You want to say a Hail Mary with me? Uh, I'll give her a shout-out from the car.
Come here.
Mmm.
- I'll see you tonight.
- All right.
- We gotta try our gowns on! - Oh, yeah.
You know, Missy hooked us up with some fly shit.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, we gonna be looking so fierce tomorrow.
Bye, Ma.
Hey Hey Oh, oh.
In the living room, please.
Oh, um, if the doorbell rings, it's the decorators.
Tell them to get started.
Well, who are all these dudes in the turquoise shirts? The movers.
Um, I'm gonna be downstairs going over all the final gala stuff with Cam.
- REGGIE: Right on.
- He only gave me ten minutes, - so I have to talk fast.
- Bullet points help.
Cam loves his bullet points.
And so I got 'em.
On index cards.
- REGGIE: Hey.
- Bullet upon bullet.
Missy, you got everything covered.
Then why am I so stressed? Because you got high standards.
And you want to make sure that those standards are met, and you hate relying on other people to make sure some of 'em get met.
But such is life.
Now, can I step in on anything? No.
No, no.
I don't want any stepping in.
I gotta do this on my own.
Okay [STUTTERS.]
This isn't stepping in.
But I want you to keep in mind one thing before you go talk to Cam, okay? Uh, do you see these papers right here? This sounds like stepping in.
No.
No, no, no.
This is more of, uh, me - traveling on the road returning from a journey - Oh.
passing you, another traveler on the road, and just exchanging some reconnaissance.
I have been on gala road for a month.
Yes, but you are now coming around the final bend, which without warning, can switch back on you, leave you teetering off a sheer cliff.
It is so important to me that you do not meddle tomorrow night.
- I will make myself invisible tomorrow night, - [PHONE BEEPS.]
but tomorrow's tomorrow, today I'm just talking.
Yes, about a sheer cliff.
Oh, three minutes.
All right, well this will take but one of those three.
One minute, one minute, come on.
Sit, sit, sit.
Now listen, you, uh, you see this? - Mm-hmm.
- Looks like a bunch of papers.
Well, it's not.
This is someone's dream.
A dream that Cam Calloway wanted to make come true.
These are legal documents for an investment - in a vintage wallpaper shop in Memphis.
- Ugh.
- Ask me, "Why Memphis?" - Okay, so we're doing a whole bit here? - It's worth it.
- Reggie, why Memphis? Because Cam made friends with the parking attendant when he played there, JaMichael.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh.
And he promised him that when he made it big, he wouldn't blow him off.
So Cam's not blowing him off.
But what Cam has done is he's blown JaMichael the parking attendant's vintage wallpaper shop into my lap, and I gotta act like it's a great idea.
Missy, it can't be, for anybody, Hmm? including people that actually love vintage wallpaper.
Now, there are stacks and stacks of documents like this - all over my fucking office, Missy, all over - Reggie, Reggie, I live with you.
- I know these things.
- Right.
You're talking like I don't know these things or like I haven't seen you deal with these things, or I haven't overheard you talking loudly on your cell phone - cursing about these things.
- Right.
But what I haven't done is alerted you to the, uh the storage space I got at the intersection of Peachtree and Piedmont.
Piles, piles of folders just like this one.
People have gotten lost in there.
Lost in a labyrinth of Cam's well-intentioned patronage to other people's ill-advised dreams.
Yet all these dreams, all these folders, they exist due to one word.
This is Cam's favorite word, "Sure.
" - One minute.
- Okay, uh, you know what? I'm gonna walk with you.
All right? So wait, wait.
Man, you move fast.
So, listen.
So, you know how somebody will come up to Cam and they'll say, "Hey, man, you interested in investing in something?" And then Cam will say, "Sure.
" Sometimes he says, "Sure, sure.
" Like, two sures.
Now somebody looking for a commitment will ask, "Is that a yes?" And then somebody else will say, "Yes.
" And then they follow that with, "Are you sure?" When somebody asks Cam for help fulfilling their dream, he skips the "yes" part, he goes right to, "sure.
" He leads with, "Sure.
" Are you still talking? I mean, you should be carrying Ophelia at this point.
[CHUCKLES.]
A Hamlet reference.
I get it.
But, hey, a soliloquy's got no one else on the stage.
You are on stage with me.
Not for long.
- Missy - Huh? to work for Cam Calloway is to realize that not only will he create more work for you, but majority of your time will be wasted.
So my final parting meddle is this.
I want you to know that there will be over the next, I don't know, 40-plus hours, fallout from a Cam "sure" that you didn't know was spoken.
And I want you to know that when that happens, it is not a reflection on how well you have prepared.
But it is important on how you react, how you bob, how you weave, how you duck, how you cover.
I want you to stay Missy, you stay positive, and you stay sure.
Your success is my success.
I knew you would say the right thing - when I walked into your office today.
- Mm-hmm.
I also knew that I would have to pull that right thing out of an avalanche of words.
Baby, I just try to babble until something lands.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- I'm nervous.
- All right.
- All right.
- Get 'er done.
Yes, yes.
Whoa, that's it.
That's it! Yes! Ye no! No! Whoa! Whoo, shit! Oh, shit! Yo, Chen, that ain't virtual reality, yo.
This is r reality reality.
Careful! When you take them off, you gotta go slow and get readjusted.
Yo, that is the shit right there.
- How did you pull this off? - I got people.
I gotta get some people like that.
Chinese film nerd masterminds.
We took your notes to heart.
This is about to be the dopest, most realest gala charity video presentation in history.
When are you going public with those goggles? I gotta invest.
You already did.
Any final video tweaks? Try to find something that's a little more impactful with disease.
I feel like disease should make people feel uneasy.
See, the difference between our foundation and other foundations, we not just gonna throw a party, we gonna make people feel.
And the video has gotta be what makes people feel.
We gotta gut punch these people, all right? - Yeah.
- Oh, and also, um, stop dating my mom.
[LAUGHING.]
Shit, man.
You looked so serious.
You're great for her.
You love her.
You adore her even though she's on to this new Catholic gig, and I I appreciate you, man.
Back at you.
She makes me happy.
I can share her with God.
He and I have different needs.
All right, easy.
We can finish the voiceover tonight after my game.
Whatever you need.
Gonna be epic.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- BOTH: Hey.
There we go.
Now there's one of my people.
Talk about somebody who gets something done, Missy Vaughn.
How's the VR presentation? It's about to put a whole bunch of wealthy people into this disturbing reality of the circumstances that we are working to change.
It's gonna destroy people.
- I just want you to be happy.
- I'm beyond happy.
- This gala is about to be different than any other gala.
- Let me see.
Chen just put in some final tweaks that I asked for.
He killed it.
I'm about to kill it even more when I do my voiceover.
- Kill, kill, kill.
- Well, how does it work? - Not like that.
- Look, I got this, okay? Let me have something to do with the party, please.
All right.
Chen, you need anything from me? Cocaine.
Been working long hours.
Missy, I say this with all love.
- Walk away.
Go handle some other shit.
- All right.
Thank yo oh, wait, hey! Could you make sure that Allison looks and feels like a million bucks? It's not hard to do, but I want her to feel like the belle of the ball.
And the same thing for Mom and M-Chuck.
Spare no expense in their gowns.
It's done.
It's in their closets.
I just need them to put it on.
And if my evening is a success, I will get to see your mother's come off.
- Oh! - What else we got? Man, I gotta get to the arena.
Yes.
Chen, I need you to sign a few things.
Oh, DJ Hopey Frolic is in.
Hopey Frolic? Yes! And for the live auction, I got Nate Davis, a real auctioneer.
I need him to soak these rich people until it hurts them.
Yes, raising money will take active shaming.
I like to call it compassionate persuasion.
I'm gonna need to pull you towards people all night.
The minute folks walk in the door, they will download the "Cam Calloway Get Woke" app.
- [PHONE CHIMING.]
- Whoa, you had this made just for us? I went to college.
I got people.
Missy's got people.
I got people.
I love you people.
This is great! [CHUCKLES.]
As the night goes on, we can track how we're doing, see how much money we've raised, and then adjust accordingly.
Okay, well, you know what? I'm ready to go to work.
Run me around like Barack running and grabbing cash for Michelle's run for president.
But this gala cannot just be a good time.
We gotta make people feel the tragedy of the circumstances we're trying to change.
Clean water, more humane prisons, nostril surgeries.
Cam, it's a good goal to get people to care like you care.
But the gala's goal is to get their money.
Not everyone's wired with your empathy and compassion.
Well, our job is to rewire these callous motherfuckers.
I do think that people want to help, but I will concede that taking a photo with you will help them help more.
CHEN: And they want to see what your house looks like.
Where you shit, where you eat, where you copulate.
- MISSY: Ugh.
- You see, Cam, now more than ever before in man's history, the world is bifurcated.
There are the famous and the anonymous.
And tomorrow night, the latter can in an instant touch the former and shine in his reflected light, thus to confirm their fading convictions that their own lives have meaning and that they even exist at all.
- A'ight.
- Excuse Oh, can I show you the schedule? Schedule approved.
I gotta get to the arena.
Oh, Missy, I'm gonna send you a text because I met these guys with this donut business, and I really want them to come tomorrow.
I'm trying to give their business a boost.
I think we should have a whole donut station.
People love when you give them donuts, especially when they ain't gotta pay for them.
That's when they really be eating them.
H how many donuts are we talking about here? And and what kind of donuts? Like the cake donuts or the fluffy donuts or with the egg glaze and, uh Give me the information.
I'll handle it.
Hey Missy, I've been wanting to tell you, I could never have done this without you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- You have gone above and beyond the above and beyond, and I have enjoyed watching every single move you've made.
And I have enjoyed doing this, Cam.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You've given me the opportunity to really do a lot of things I've been thinking about and help people I've been wanting to help.
This gala is about to put us on the map, and it's all because of you.
That's not true and you know it.
Come on now.
Take the compliment.
I've been running around doing a million things, and I've had you doing ten million things.
She's done all of them without breaking a sweat.
- Damn straight.
- I've sweat in some places.
I just won't tell you where.
[CHUCKLES.]
Tomorrow night, people are going to leave here talking about the Calloway Philanthropic Trust.
Let's leave them woke.
Woke and a bit more broke.
- Let's go.
Let's get it.
- Hey! I gotta testify Come up in the spot looking extra fly For the day I die I'ma touch the sky Gotta testify Come up in the spot looking extra fly Cam, this is Mike Valorose of Valley High Financial.
- Mm-hmm.
- He manages over $1 billion.
That's right.
Oh, hey, I'm gonna manage this right now.
- Oh.
- You stay right close.
We're gonna clear off this platter together.
- Mike, you ever been to prison? - I haven't, no.
I got detention once in third grade.
Brought a stink bomb to class.
The principal was not happy.
[LAUGHTER.]
When those prison gates close behind you, the light gets sucked out with life.
Hope is extinguished.
As a society, we gotta we gotta do better and foster hope.
- Isn't shrimp great? - [LAUGHS.]
I feel kinda bad eating them 'cause, you know, they're just tiny little fishies, but come on, c'est la vie.
A man's gotta eat, right? [LAUGHING.]
Can I count on you to stand with me and make a sizeable contribution? What the fuck you think I'm doing here? I got the app.
I'll do it in a second.
You ever seen an uncooked shrimp? It's got this line of shit down the back of it.
They call it a vein, but I know shit when I see it.
It's so gross.
Oh, for God's sake.
- [PHONE CHIMING.]
- All right? - Oh, this is absolutely beautiful.
- What a party, huh? How about this? Damn, these donuts are still warm.
Very tempting.
Hi, I I'm Cassie, Cam's mom.
And this is, uh, Da Chen Bao, Reggie, and Allison.
- Hi.
- Nate Davis.
I'm the auctioneer.
- Oh, wonderful! - How we doing? How we doing? How we doing? He's got the patter down.
Yeah, I came to put the patter on the people.
- Oh! - Gonna raise you some money tonight.
- Hallelujah.
- Yeah.
I'm the go-to guy when it comes to charity auctions - Oh.
- because I know who's got money, and I'll get it from them.
People are getting liquored up.
Sugared up.
Goddamnit, I love donuts.
Well, you know, when they're displayed this artfully, - it's hard not to.
- If I eat even half a donut, I'm plugged up for days.
More details, Chen, please? You know what? I would love a glazed one, but I don't want my tummy to poke out of my dress.
You know I gotta watch what I eat.
Yeah, you and me both.
I'm diabetic.
No fooling.
But you only live once.
Ah.
You got frosted donuts, glazed donuts, coconut donuts, sprinkled donuts.
Going once, going twice, sold! Two donuts for the bold man who's living for the moment! Ha! See you out there.
All right, all right.
Ooh, I'm sick to death of white people.
Man, I love a good cigar.
Love me a charity event that has nothing to do with cancer so we can guiltlessly smoke a good cigar.
Uh, you know what, Chen? I wanted to ask you, man Yes, it's easy being me.
No.
I was going to ask how is it you don't have a place down here in Atlanta? I have two places.
Condo downtown and a mansion a mile from here.
I'm an only child.
I prefer being here with everyone.
- Two places? - Two places.
Get the fuck outta here.
I will stay the fuck right here and blow cigar smoke in your face.
Better than the smoke you blew up my ass.
- Hey, Robby.
- Let me give you a tip.
This prick ever asks you to invest in a beachfront hotel in Florida, tell him to take a hike.
Robby, water under the bridge.
- Fuck you, Chen.
- Whoa.
Say hi to the wife.
All right, all right All right, all right We gotta keep the maggot feces out of our water.
Everyone in the Middle Ages drank beer because the water was so dirty.
I mean, do we really want to have kids getting drunk just so they can stay alive? When you see a child pick his nose for the first time, it's a beautiful thing.
You don't look like a man that's ever been in prison.
You wouldn't do well.
Why do we have to choose between a man in prison dying face down in a pool of his own blood or a child dying face down in a pile of his own shit? Next time you see a porta potty, imagine drinking the water.
To a lot of people your toilet is like a goblet of champagne.
I mean, this isn't the first time that someone's gotten stabbed while sleeping.
There's no grass is your brother here? Richard, see, when the people of good will have the means to spread the wealth, - we gotta do it.
- 25 red! Yeah! I'm all in on the cause, and I'm all in on that wheel, which is hot right now.
Clean water for everyone.
He knows he just won drink coupons, right? The auctioneer had to lie down upstairs.
Uh, I got a paramedic coming, but apparently he's a diabetic and he decided to eat some donuts.
I saw that man eat six.
We're gonna need to raise money for a bionic foot.
Classic case of the sugars.
You know that's a real thing, right? - Cam's not gonna be happy.
- Whoa, whoa.
Cam's not gonna know about this.
I just meant that Cam thought the donuts were low sugar.
He ate, like, four.
Allison, I need you to do the auction.
I'd like my boyfriend to still love me in the morning.
I'm just here to smile and look pretty.
- And you are slaying, girl.
- Thank you, thank you.
Cassie, I need you to do the auction.
I ain't doing that shit.
Plus I'm kinda drunk.
I already had three of these frozen nostril margarita things.
- Get Mary Charles to do it.
- Do what? Can you behave yourself? - If I need to.
Why? - Okay.
You need me to help with anything? Stop meddling.
Go eat a donut.
I got this.
Okay, let's get you a microphone.
- Um, so the the key word is patience.
- Okay.
- And, um, and kindness.
- Yes.
- And gentle pressure.
- Of course.
And and and humor.
Humor's important.
- Missy, what am I doing? - Okay, right, right, sorry.
You're gonna be great.
Come on.
All right, folks, hey.
My name is Mary Charles.
I'm gonna be the auctioneer tonight.
Why am I nervous? Your sister has a mic and a crowd.
- I believe in her.
- M-CHUCK: Don't come cheap.
Or I'm gonna come for you with both barrels loaded.
And I got a pretty big gun.
All right, first item up is a pit bull puppy born and bred by musical artist Pitbull himself.
We all know he's Cuban.
This is probably the last immigrant that's gonna come to this country for a long time.
So we want to make sure he feels at home, all right? So, we can start the bidding at 305.
That's Miami for those of you who ain't got hoes in different area codes.
But since he's Mr.
Worldwide now, we're gonna open at 1,000.
Do I hear 1,000? Come on, guys, can we get 1,000 for the dog? $1,000.
Come with me.
Let's let them see the puppy up close and personal.
Maybe that'll change their mind.
$1,000 is all I'm asking for this cute little blue pit bull puppy right here.
Some of you have kids.
Some of your kids like you.
Most of your kids don't.
This could make the difference.
[LAUGHTER.]
Who's got $1,000? Come on.
All right, Ayala.
Ayala's gonna fix my life.
She's gonna fix the dog's life.
Who's got $3,000 to top that? I want you to cough it up and I want you to cough it up now.
All right, Johann Sebastian Bach's got $3,000.
That's what I'm talking about for the dog.
What if Mr.
Beethoven man turned out to be the next Michael Vick? Huh? Do we want to see this poor dog on a Sarah McLachlan commercial about how dogs get abused? Who's got $5,000 for the dog? Come on, gluten-free lady, I see you looking very concerned for the dog.
Do you want to give me $5,000 for the dog? Or do you want to keep that money and bet on a dog fight? Can I hear $5,000 to save your reputation? $5,000 from the gluten-free lady.
I love it.
We got a pit bull dog, so I need somebody to come with $9,000.
Hey, Mr.
Monopoly, I know you've been playing around in the community chest.
I'm sure you collected a lot of big rent.
Give me my $9,000 for this dog, you got that? Yes! My Mr.
Monopoly man, he's coming up.
He passed go.
He collected $200.
He got to Boardwalk.
Now listen, between you and me, he looks like a guy that might have sex with dogs over Marvin Gardens.
- We don't want to put this dog in that situation, - See? subject him to possible, you know, bestiality or whatnot.
So who's gonna give me $10,000 for the dog? How many of us think he can do this for $10,000? Right? Come on.
What are you gonna do? Everybody's watching you.
- Boom.
$10,000.
Going once, twice, - Oh! sold to the beautiful lady in the blue dress.
And that's the way it works.
We just saved a dog from getting fucked.
WOMAN: All right.
Yeah, that was it.
That was it.
MAN: That was something else, right? And without further ado, the man of the hour, Cam Calloway.
- CASSIE: My baby! - [APPLAUSE.]
Thank you all for coming out and showing up for people who need our help.
I really love how you guys were showing up tonight.
[APPLAUSE.]
We got DJ Hopey Frolic in the house to get your feet moving in about a half an hour.
I hope you can stay for that.
[APPLAUSE.]
CROWD: Hopey! Hopey! We here at the Calloway Philanthropic Trust are not afraid to face life's difficulties head on.
Mass incarceration, congenital disorders, and clean water for the poverty-stricken.
Now this is the time of the night where someone would usually come up and talk about the causes, ask for a little more money, try to sweat your feelings for a little extra cash.
But I don't think it's enough to just talk about it.
I want to put you in it.
I want to give you a taste of what it's like to walk, not a mile, just five minutes in somebody else's shoes, so that you can see what these people see.
Live what they live.
Feel what they feel.
This is the time to ask yourself are you ready to stand up and be counted as an ally to those who a lot of people have left behind.
So, it's time for us to leave our world for a moment and travel to a world of those who need.
We got some cutting-edge virtual reality technology my friend Chen and I have been working on for quite some time that's about to blow your minds.
So go ahead and put your goggles on.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Wait until you see the final tweaks I did.
- I'm excited.
Chen, cue the video and the music.
[MUSIC PLAYING, BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[CROWD GASPING.]
CAM VOICEOVER: Who here likes apple pie? [MURMURING.]
You can smell it, can't you? Well, you couldn't if you had Frozen Nostril Syndrome.
- [BABY COOING.]
- ALL: Aww.
Even if it was a real pie, you can't smell or breathe.
Kids born with Frozen Nostril Syndrome make the worst cry you've ever heard.
This is the cry of a kid born without nostrils.
- [BABY SCREECHES.]
- [CROWD GROANS.]
That's what it feels like inside a Frozen Nostril kid's head.
We have to help them.
And we have to help the incarcerated.
- [DOOR BUZZES.]
- MAN: This is my bitch! - [CROWD GASPS.]
- Are there people in there who deserve to be? - [GLASS SHATTERS, GUNSHOTS, MEN SHOUTING.]
- Sure.
[CROWD GASPS.]
But our humanity is directly tied to how humane we are.
Today's prisons are an unregulated war zone of physical and mental violence.
RICHARD: Oh, shit, look out! [SPLAT, GUNSHOT, SIREN CHIRPS.]
CAM VOICEOVER: In order to rehabilitate, - What was that? - we must reform how we educate and house.
Otherwise, it's death to us all.
- [SPLAT.]
- [CROWD GASPING.]
Punch him! Pu punch him back! Fuck! Stab that motherfucker! Get 'em.
Whack whack that motherfucker! - Ay-ay-yi-yi.
- MAN: Take him out, guards! [SIRENS, GUNSHOTS.]
Fuck, ma! Ma! They're shooting! Where are you? Where are you? - Okay, I'm right here, baby! I'm right here! - Let's go! [CRASHING.]
Oh, this is fucking awesome.
CAM VOICEOVER: Too many Americans live lives in hopeless poverty.
Every year a sleeping baby has a finger or thumb gnawed off by filthy city rats.
[BABY CRYING.]
Is that a hand? [BABY CRYING.]
- Millions more face starvation.
- [CROWD GAGGING.]
They're forced to find whatever they can to feed their families.
- That's the shit.
- Fuck! This shit is horrible! Chemical by-products of first-world conveniences - cause horrible genetic mutations.
- Cam, what what are you thinking? Wait, come on.
You're gonna miss it.
Maggot-infested water is the only thing - some people have to drink.
- [CHITTERING, SQUEAKING.]
Maggots is just baby flies.
Get the Raid out.
- Only we can make it stop.
- [CROWD GAGGING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
No! [ALL GROANING.]
Get over here! What the fuck were you thinking? I wanted to hit them in their guts.
Well, you completely overdid it with the video.
We could have shown The Human Centipede in 3-D - and fewer people would have puked.
- How did you fuck this up? How did I fuck this up? I'm a professional athlete.
The product of the American culture of idolatry, which means I am no longer capable of sound judgment.
When I'm right, I'm right.
When I'm wrong, I'm right, and my people are wrong for foolishly trusting me to do something on my own without a normal person there to tell me what should be done.
How am I supposed to know that? - Reggie should have told you.
- Hey, I'm not stepping in here, but He talked for hours and never said that shit! Well, I would have eventually got to it, but you rushed me, M wait, ooh, excuse me.
Ugh.
I thought that if I went too far, you would have stopped me.
You told me not to look at the video! - You expressly said - What did I say, Missy? [SQUELCHING.]
"Missy, I got this.
Walk away!" "I got this, walk away," means don't go anywhere until you make sure I got this.
- Stop yelling at me! - I'm not yelling at you! I'm yelling at myself by yelling at you! Two completely different kinds of yelling! Well, I can't tell the difference! Hey, how fucking great is this, huh? - [PHONES CHIMING.]
- BOTH: What? Look around! Everyone's donating.
They're emptying both their stomachs and their wallets.
All's well that ends well.
Hey, how great were those maggots eating that zebra carcass, huh? I got fucking good people.
- [PHONES CHIMING.]
- Missy, this is great! Yo, way to be, girl! This is fucking awesome! [PHONES CHIMING.]
I have a new respect for what you go through.
And that's all I'm saying.
Oh, excuse me.
[VOMITS.]
Kids born with Frozen Nostril Syndrome deserve my compassion.
Our foundation is doing a lot of great work.
I mean, we're helping kids breathe and shit.
Cam asked me to be the chairperson for a gala event for the family foundation.
Do you think it's a bad idea? I think it's an idea that should remain an idea.
And I think I'm gonna do it.
If I know that I'm about to step in a pile of shit, and then I step in a pile of shit, I still stepped in a pile of shit, and that's on me, Missy.
That ain't on that pile of shit.
That looks good, boys.
Oh, hey, Mary Charles.
I thought you already left for school.
I wanted to see the unveiling of yet another statue in your ever-expanding and now backyard-dominating saints collection.
Well, say hello to St.
Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.
Why are people praying to lost causes? Why not pray for some shit that actually could happen, like me getting a pool back here? You know, you understand nothing.
I was under the understanding I'd be standing next to a pool once the gazebo got demo'd, but I still don't see a pool.
Pools kill more Americans than guns.
Get the fuck out.
I will stay the fuck in.
Come on, folks, this is a sanctuary, all right? Enough with the fuck-bombs.
F-bombs, not fuck-bombs.
Look, we got slate paths and and shrubs and shit.
What's done is done, and you heard what Chen said, "Pools kill more Americans than guns.
" Not black Americans.
Ain't a black American alive who wouldn't prefer to get pulled over by a cop holding a pool.
Drowning in pools, bathtubs, oceans, and lakes kills more people than guns.
This is a fact.
Because most people take baths and go to the beach.
If more kids spent their summers playing with uzis, - the facts would differ.
- If you want to swim, go to that big Olympic pool at your fancy university.
I don't want a pool to swim in.
I want a pool to sit by.
Pools are for parties, and we don't have enough.
We're hosting a huge gala tomorrow.
That's a charity event, not a bash.
We're gonna have to behave.
Look, when people come to the gala, they are gonna know that the Calloway family gives props to God.
- [PHONE BEEPING.]
- Miss Cass, Missy needs me.
Go.
I gotta go over the gala video with Cam.
Then I gotta lay off 5,000 workers via Skype.
- Wish me luck.
- Okay.
Put a pool out front.
I'll buy.
How about you hold on to that money and save their jobs instead? Hey, I didn't invent automation.
Humans gotta figure out a new way to make themselves useful.
Besides, most of the layoffs are children.
Kidding.
Ma, I get you going back to church and all, but why do you have to have a statue of an old Jewish woman so prominently displayed? The Virgin Mary was Catholic.
Mary's Jewish.
She gave birth to Christ, for Christ's sake.
You give birth to Christ, you're Christian.
I mean, Christianity basically started inside of her.
At the very least, her ovaries are Christian.
I gotta get to class.
Mary Charles, I need to thank you.
Last summer, if you weren't such a stickler for prying into the past, I may never have sought solace from God again.
You are responsible for me revisiting my Catholic roots, as modest as they were, so thank you for that.
Of course, Ma.
You know, um, God didn't consult the Virgin Mary when he put the Baby Jesus inside of her.
You know, he didn't even tell her himself.
He sent the angel Gabriel.
And Gabriel didn't ask Mary.
He said, "Yo, heads up.
You got some fruit in your womb.
" He didn't say, "The creator wants to put the savior inside of your belly.
Are you cool with that?" No.
God just did it.
You know, maybe he knew that Mary would think that she wasn't strong enough to give birth to the messiah, but you know what? She was.
God never asked me if I wanted to be pregnant with you either.
But I'm glad I was.
Me too, Ma.
Otherwise you'd be standing here talking to yourself right now.
God could have worked on getting some consent before the fact, though.
Look, I'm not saying that it was God's will what happened to me.
I mean, God can't stop the bad things from happening to us.
You know, that's not how he worked it out.
Sometimes, baby, you just you gotta be strong.
You're stronger than strong.
Do you know I realized that I've existed up until now just moving forward, but never appreciating the here and now? 'Cause the here and now's here and now.
That's exactly why they fucking call it that.
You want to say a Hail Mary with me? Uh, I'll give her a shout-out from the car.
Come here.
Mmm.
- I'll see you tonight.
- All right.
- We gotta try our gowns on! - Oh, yeah.
You know, Missy hooked us up with some fly shit.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, we gonna be looking so fierce tomorrow.
Bye, Ma.
Hey Hey Oh, oh.
In the living room, please.
Oh, um, if the doorbell rings, it's the decorators.
Tell them to get started.
Well, who are all these dudes in the turquoise shirts? The movers.
Um, I'm gonna be downstairs going over all the final gala stuff with Cam.
- REGGIE: Right on.
- He only gave me ten minutes, - so I have to talk fast.
- Bullet points help.
Cam loves his bullet points.
And so I got 'em.
On index cards.
- REGGIE: Hey.
- Bullet upon bullet.
Missy, you got everything covered.
Then why am I so stressed? Because you got high standards.
And you want to make sure that those standards are met, and you hate relying on other people to make sure some of 'em get met.
But such is life.
Now, can I step in on anything? No.
No, no.
I don't want any stepping in.
I gotta do this on my own.
Okay [STUTTERS.]
This isn't stepping in.
But I want you to keep in mind one thing before you go talk to Cam, okay? Uh, do you see these papers right here? This sounds like stepping in.
No.
No, no, no.
This is more of, uh, me - traveling on the road returning from a journey - Oh.
passing you, another traveler on the road, and just exchanging some reconnaissance.
I have been on gala road for a month.
Yes, but you are now coming around the final bend, which without warning, can switch back on you, leave you teetering off a sheer cliff.
It is so important to me that you do not meddle tomorrow night.
- I will make myself invisible tomorrow night, - [PHONE BEEPS.]
but tomorrow's tomorrow, today I'm just talking.
Yes, about a sheer cliff.
Oh, three minutes.
All right, well this will take but one of those three.
One minute, one minute, come on.
Sit, sit, sit.
Now listen, you, uh, you see this? - Mm-hmm.
- Looks like a bunch of papers.
Well, it's not.
This is someone's dream.
A dream that Cam Calloway wanted to make come true.
These are legal documents for an investment - in a vintage wallpaper shop in Memphis.
- Ugh.
- Ask me, "Why Memphis?" - Okay, so we're doing a whole bit here? - It's worth it.
- Reggie, why Memphis? Because Cam made friends with the parking attendant when he played there, JaMichael.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- Oh.
And he promised him that when he made it big, he wouldn't blow him off.
So Cam's not blowing him off.
But what Cam has done is he's blown JaMichael the parking attendant's vintage wallpaper shop into my lap, and I gotta act like it's a great idea.
Missy, it can't be, for anybody, Hmm? including people that actually love vintage wallpaper.
Now, there are stacks and stacks of documents like this - all over my fucking office, Missy, all over - Reggie, Reggie, I live with you.
- I know these things.
- Right.
You're talking like I don't know these things or like I haven't seen you deal with these things, or I haven't overheard you talking loudly on your cell phone - cursing about these things.
- Right.
But what I haven't done is alerted you to the, uh the storage space I got at the intersection of Peachtree and Piedmont.
Piles, piles of folders just like this one.
People have gotten lost in there.
Lost in a labyrinth of Cam's well-intentioned patronage to other people's ill-advised dreams.
Yet all these dreams, all these folders, they exist due to one word.
This is Cam's favorite word, "Sure.
" - One minute.
- Okay, uh, you know what? I'm gonna walk with you.
All right? So wait, wait.
Man, you move fast.
So, listen.
So, you know how somebody will come up to Cam and they'll say, "Hey, man, you interested in investing in something?" And then Cam will say, "Sure.
" Sometimes he says, "Sure, sure.
" Like, two sures.
Now somebody looking for a commitment will ask, "Is that a yes?" And then somebody else will say, "Yes.
" And then they follow that with, "Are you sure?" When somebody asks Cam for help fulfilling their dream, he skips the "yes" part, he goes right to, "sure.
" He leads with, "Sure.
" Are you still talking? I mean, you should be carrying Ophelia at this point.
[CHUCKLES.]
A Hamlet reference.
I get it.
But, hey, a soliloquy's got no one else on the stage.
You are on stage with me.
Not for long.
- Missy - Huh? to work for Cam Calloway is to realize that not only will he create more work for you, but majority of your time will be wasted.
So my final parting meddle is this.
I want you to know that there will be over the next, I don't know, 40-plus hours, fallout from a Cam "sure" that you didn't know was spoken.
And I want you to know that when that happens, it is not a reflection on how well you have prepared.
But it is important on how you react, how you bob, how you weave, how you duck, how you cover.
I want you to stay Missy, you stay positive, and you stay sure.
Your success is my success.
I knew you would say the right thing - when I walked into your office today.
- Mm-hmm.
I also knew that I would have to pull that right thing out of an avalanche of words.
Baby, I just try to babble until something lands.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- I'm nervous.
- All right.
- All right.
- Get 'er done.
Yes, yes.
Whoa, that's it.
That's it! Yes! Ye no! No! Whoa! Whoo, shit! Oh, shit! Yo, Chen, that ain't virtual reality, yo.
This is r reality reality.
Careful! When you take them off, you gotta go slow and get readjusted.
Yo, that is the shit right there.
- How did you pull this off? - I got people.
I gotta get some people like that.
Chinese film nerd masterminds.
We took your notes to heart.
This is about to be the dopest, most realest gala charity video presentation in history.
When are you going public with those goggles? I gotta invest.
You already did.
Any final video tweaks? Try to find something that's a little more impactful with disease.
I feel like disease should make people feel uneasy.
See, the difference between our foundation and other foundations, we not just gonna throw a party, we gonna make people feel.
And the video has gotta be what makes people feel.
We gotta gut punch these people, all right? - Yeah.
- Oh, and also, um, stop dating my mom.
[LAUGHING.]
Shit, man.
You looked so serious.
You're great for her.
You love her.
You adore her even though she's on to this new Catholic gig, and I I appreciate you, man.
Back at you.
She makes me happy.
I can share her with God.
He and I have different needs.
All right, easy.
We can finish the voiceover tonight after my game.
Whatever you need.
Gonna be epic.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- BOTH: Hey.
There we go.
Now there's one of my people.
Talk about somebody who gets something done, Missy Vaughn.
How's the VR presentation? It's about to put a whole bunch of wealthy people into this disturbing reality of the circumstances that we are working to change.
It's gonna destroy people.
- I just want you to be happy.
- I'm beyond happy.
- This gala is about to be different than any other gala.
- Let me see.
Chen just put in some final tweaks that I asked for.
He killed it.
I'm about to kill it even more when I do my voiceover.
- Kill, kill, kill.
- Well, how does it work? - Not like that.
- Look, I got this, okay? Let me have something to do with the party, please.
All right.
Chen, you need anything from me? Cocaine.
Been working long hours.
Missy, I say this with all love.
- Walk away.
Go handle some other shit.
- All right.
Thank yo oh, wait, hey! Could you make sure that Allison looks and feels like a million bucks? It's not hard to do, but I want her to feel like the belle of the ball.
And the same thing for Mom and M-Chuck.
Spare no expense in their gowns.
It's done.
It's in their closets.
I just need them to put it on.
And if my evening is a success, I will get to see your mother's come off.
- Oh! - What else we got? Man, I gotta get to the arena.
Yes.
Chen, I need you to sign a few things.
Oh, DJ Hopey Frolic is in.
Hopey Frolic? Yes! And for the live auction, I got Nate Davis, a real auctioneer.
I need him to soak these rich people until it hurts them.
Yes, raising money will take active shaming.
I like to call it compassionate persuasion.
I'm gonna need to pull you towards people all night.
The minute folks walk in the door, they will download the "Cam Calloway Get Woke" app.
- [PHONE CHIMING.]
- Whoa, you had this made just for us? I went to college.
I got people.
Missy's got people.
I got people.
I love you people.
This is great! [CHUCKLES.]
As the night goes on, we can track how we're doing, see how much money we've raised, and then adjust accordingly.
Okay, well, you know what? I'm ready to go to work.
Run me around like Barack running and grabbing cash for Michelle's run for president.
But this gala cannot just be a good time.
We gotta make people feel the tragedy of the circumstances we're trying to change.
Clean water, more humane prisons, nostril surgeries.
Cam, it's a good goal to get people to care like you care.
But the gala's goal is to get their money.
Not everyone's wired with your empathy and compassion.
Well, our job is to rewire these callous motherfuckers.
I do think that people want to help, but I will concede that taking a photo with you will help them help more.
CHEN: And they want to see what your house looks like.
Where you shit, where you eat, where you copulate.
- MISSY: Ugh.
- You see, Cam, now more than ever before in man's history, the world is bifurcated.
There are the famous and the anonymous.
And tomorrow night, the latter can in an instant touch the former and shine in his reflected light, thus to confirm their fading convictions that their own lives have meaning and that they even exist at all.
- A'ight.
- Excuse Oh, can I show you the schedule? Schedule approved.
I gotta get to the arena.
Oh, Missy, I'm gonna send you a text because I met these guys with this donut business, and I really want them to come tomorrow.
I'm trying to give their business a boost.
I think we should have a whole donut station.
People love when you give them donuts, especially when they ain't gotta pay for them.
That's when they really be eating them.
H how many donuts are we talking about here? And and what kind of donuts? Like the cake donuts or the fluffy donuts or with the egg glaze and, uh Give me the information.
I'll handle it.
Hey Missy, I've been wanting to tell you, I could never have done this without you.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- You have gone above and beyond the above and beyond, and I have enjoyed watching every single move you've made.
And I have enjoyed doing this, Cam.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You've given me the opportunity to really do a lot of things I've been thinking about and help people I've been wanting to help.
This gala is about to put us on the map, and it's all because of you.
That's not true and you know it.
Come on now.
Take the compliment.
I've been running around doing a million things, and I've had you doing ten million things.
She's done all of them without breaking a sweat.
- Damn straight.
- I've sweat in some places.
I just won't tell you where.
[CHUCKLES.]
Tomorrow night, people are going to leave here talking about the Calloway Philanthropic Trust.
Let's leave them woke.
Woke and a bit more broke.
- Let's go.
Let's get it.
- Hey! I gotta testify Come up in the spot looking extra fly For the day I die I'ma touch the sky Gotta testify Come up in the spot looking extra fly Cam, this is Mike Valorose of Valley High Financial.
- Mm-hmm.
- He manages over $1 billion.
That's right.
Oh, hey, I'm gonna manage this right now.
- Oh.
- You stay right close.
We're gonna clear off this platter together.
- Mike, you ever been to prison? - I haven't, no.
I got detention once in third grade.
Brought a stink bomb to class.
The principal was not happy.
[LAUGHTER.]
When those prison gates close behind you, the light gets sucked out with life.
Hope is extinguished.
As a society, we gotta we gotta do better and foster hope.
- Isn't shrimp great? - [LAUGHS.]
I feel kinda bad eating them 'cause, you know, they're just tiny little fishies, but come on, c'est la vie.
A man's gotta eat, right? [LAUGHING.]
Can I count on you to stand with me and make a sizeable contribution? What the fuck you think I'm doing here? I got the app.
I'll do it in a second.
You ever seen an uncooked shrimp? It's got this line of shit down the back of it.
They call it a vein, but I know shit when I see it.
It's so gross.
Oh, for God's sake.
- [PHONE CHIMING.]
- All right? - Oh, this is absolutely beautiful.
- What a party, huh? How about this? Damn, these donuts are still warm.
Very tempting.
Hi, I I'm Cassie, Cam's mom.
And this is, uh, Da Chen Bao, Reggie, and Allison.
- Hi.
- Nate Davis.
I'm the auctioneer.
- Oh, wonderful! - How we doing? How we doing? How we doing? He's got the patter down.
Yeah, I came to put the patter on the people.
- Oh! - Gonna raise you some money tonight.
- Hallelujah.
- Yeah.
I'm the go-to guy when it comes to charity auctions - Oh.
- because I know who's got money, and I'll get it from them.
People are getting liquored up.
Sugared up.
Goddamnit, I love donuts.
Well, you know, when they're displayed this artfully, - it's hard not to.
- If I eat even half a donut, I'm plugged up for days.
More details, Chen, please? You know what? I would love a glazed one, but I don't want my tummy to poke out of my dress.
You know I gotta watch what I eat.
Yeah, you and me both.
I'm diabetic.
No fooling.
But you only live once.
Ah.
You got frosted donuts, glazed donuts, coconut donuts, sprinkled donuts.
Going once, going twice, sold! Two donuts for the bold man who's living for the moment! Ha! See you out there.
All right, all right.
Ooh, I'm sick to death of white people.
Man, I love a good cigar.
Love me a charity event that has nothing to do with cancer so we can guiltlessly smoke a good cigar.
Uh, you know what, Chen? I wanted to ask you, man Yes, it's easy being me.
No.
I was going to ask how is it you don't have a place down here in Atlanta? I have two places.
Condo downtown and a mansion a mile from here.
I'm an only child.
I prefer being here with everyone.
- Two places? - Two places.
Get the fuck outta here.
I will stay the fuck right here and blow cigar smoke in your face.
Better than the smoke you blew up my ass.
- Hey, Robby.
- Let me give you a tip.
This prick ever asks you to invest in a beachfront hotel in Florida, tell him to take a hike.
Robby, water under the bridge.
- Fuck you, Chen.
- Whoa.
Say hi to the wife.
All right, all right All right, all right We gotta keep the maggot feces out of our water.
Everyone in the Middle Ages drank beer because the water was so dirty.
I mean, do we really want to have kids getting drunk just so they can stay alive? When you see a child pick his nose for the first time, it's a beautiful thing.
You don't look like a man that's ever been in prison.
You wouldn't do well.
Why do we have to choose between a man in prison dying face down in a pool of his own blood or a child dying face down in a pile of his own shit? Next time you see a porta potty, imagine drinking the water.
To a lot of people your toilet is like a goblet of champagne.
I mean, this isn't the first time that someone's gotten stabbed while sleeping.
There's no grass is your brother here? Richard, see, when the people of good will have the means to spread the wealth, - we gotta do it.
- 25 red! Yeah! I'm all in on the cause, and I'm all in on that wheel, which is hot right now.
Clean water for everyone.
He knows he just won drink coupons, right? The auctioneer had to lie down upstairs.
Uh, I got a paramedic coming, but apparently he's a diabetic and he decided to eat some donuts.
I saw that man eat six.
We're gonna need to raise money for a bionic foot.
Classic case of the sugars.
You know that's a real thing, right? - Cam's not gonna be happy.
- Whoa, whoa.
Cam's not gonna know about this.
I just meant that Cam thought the donuts were low sugar.
He ate, like, four.
Allison, I need you to do the auction.
I'd like my boyfriend to still love me in the morning.
I'm just here to smile and look pretty.
- And you are slaying, girl.
- Thank you, thank you.
Cassie, I need you to do the auction.
I ain't doing that shit.
Plus I'm kinda drunk.
I already had three of these frozen nostril margarita things.
- Get Mary Charles to do it.
- Do what? Can you behave yourself? - If I need to.
Why? - Okay.
You need me to help with anything? Stop meddling.
Go eat a donut.
I got this.
Okay, let's get you a microphone.
- Um, so the the key word is patience.
- Okay.
- And, um, and kindness.
- Yes.
- And gentle pressure.
- Of course.
And and and humor.
Humor's important.
- Missy, what am I doing? - Okay, right, right, sorry.
You're gonna be great.
Come on.
All right, folks, hey.
My name is Mary Charles.
I'm gonna be the auctioneer tonight.
Why am I nervous? Your sister has a mic and a crowd.
- I believe in her.
- M-CHUCK: Don't come cheap.
Or I'm gonna come for you with both barrels loaded.
And I got a pretty big gun.
All right, first item up is a pit bull puppy born and bred by musical artist Pitbull himself.
We all know he's Cuban.
This is probably the last immigrant that's gonna come to this country for a long time.
So we want to make sure he feels at home, all right? So, we can start the bidding at 305.
That's Miami for those of you who ain't got hoes in different area codes.
But since he's Mr.
Worldwide now, we're gonna open at 1,000.
Do I hear 1,000? Come on, guys, can we get 1,000 for the dog? $1,000.
Come with me.
Let's let them see the puppy up close and personal.
Maybe that'll change their mind.
$1,000 is all I'm asking for this cute little blue pit bull puppy right here.
Some of you have kids.
Some of your kids like you.
Most of your kids don't.
This could make the difference.
[LAUGHTER.]
Who's got $1,000? Come on.
All right, Ayala.
Ayala's gonna fix my life.
She's gonna fix the dog's life.
Who's got $3,000 to top that? I want you to cough it up and I want you to cough it up now.
All right, Johann Sebastian Bach's got $3,000.
That's what I'm talking about for the dog.
What if Mr.
Beethoven man turned out to be the next Michael Vick? Huh? Do we want to see this poor dog on a Sarah McLachlan commercial about how dogs get abused? Who's got $5,000 for the dog? Come on, gluten-free lady, I see you looking very concerned for the dog.
Do you want to give me $5,000 for the dog? Or do you want to keep that money and bet on a dog fight? Can I hear $5,000 to save your reputation? $5,000 from the gluten-free lady.
I love it.
We got a pit bull dog, so I need somebody to come with $9,000.
Hey, Mr.
Monopoly, I know you've been playing around in the community chest.
I'm sure you collected a lot of big rent.
Give me my $9,000 for this dog, you got that? Yes! My Mr.
Monopoly man, he's coming up.
He passed go.
He collected $200.
He got to Boardwalk.
Now listen, between you and me, he looks like a guy that might have sex with dogs over Marvin Gardens.
- We don't want to put this dog in that situation, - See? subject him to possible, you know, bestiality or whatnot.
So who's gonna give me $10,000 for the dog? How many of us think he can do this for $10,000? Right? Come on.
What are you gonna do? Everybody's watching you.
- Boom.
$10,000.
Going once, twice, - Oh! sold to the beautiful lady in the blue dress.
And that's the way it works.
We just saved a dog from getting fucked.
WOMAN: All right.
Yeah, that was it.
That was it.
MAN: That was something else, right? And without further ado, the man of the hour, Cam Calloway.
- CASSIE: My baby! - [APPLAUSE.]
Thank you all for coming out and showing up for people who need our help.
I really love how you guys were showing up tonight.
[APPLAUSE.]
We got DJ Hopey Frolic in the house to get your feet moving in about a half an hour.
I hope you can stay for that.
[APPLAUSE.]
CROWD: Hopey! Hopey! We here at the Calloway Philanthropic Trust are not afraid to face life's difficulties head on.
Mass incarceration, congenital disorders, and clean water for the poverty-stricken.
Now this is the time of the night where someone would usually come up and talk about the causes, ask for a little more money, try to sweat your feelings for a little extra cash.
But I don't think it's enough to just talk about it.
I want to put you in it.
I want to give you a taste of what it's like to walk, not a mile, just five minutes in somebody else's shoes, so that you can see what these people see.
Live what they live.
Feel what they feel.
This is the time to ask yourself are you ready to stand up and be counted as an ally to those who a lot of people have left behind.
So, it's time for us to leave our world for a moment and travel to a world of those who need.
We got some cutting-edge virtual reality technology my friend Chen and I have been working on for quite some time that's about to blow your minds.
So go ahead and put your goggles on.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- Wait until you see the final tweaks I did.
- I'm excited.
Chen, cue the video and the music.
[MUSIC PLAYING, BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[CROWD GASPING.]
CAM VOICEOVER: Who here likes apple pie? [MURMURING.]
You can smell it, can't you? Well, you couldn't if you had Frozen Nostril Syndrome.
- [BABY COOING.]
- ALL: Aww.
Even if it was a real pie, you can't smell or breathe.
Kids born with Frozen Nostril Syndrome make the worst cry you've ever heard.
This is the cry of a kid born without nostrils.
- [BABY SCREECHES.]
- [CROWD GROANS.]
That's what it feels like inside a Frozen Nostril kid's head.
We have to help them.
And we have to help the incarcerated.
- [DOOR BUZZES.]
- MAN: This is my bitch! - [CROWD GASPS.]
- Are there people in there who deserve to be? - [GLASS SHATTERS, GUNSHOTS, MEN SHOUTING.]
- Sure.
[CROWD GASPS.]
But our humanity is directly tied to how humane we are.
Today's prisons are an unregulated war zone of physical and mental violence.
RICHARD: Oh, shit, look out! [SPLAT, GUNSHOT, SIREN CHIRPS.]
CAM VOICEOVER: In order to rehabilitate, - What was that? - we must reform how we educate and house.
Otherwise, it's death to us all.
- [SPLAT.]
- [CROWD GASPING.]
Punch him! Pu punch him back! Fuck! Stab that motherfucker! Get 'em.
Whack whack that motherfucker! - Ay-ay-yi-yi.
- MAN: Take him out, guards! [SIRENS, GUNSHOTS.]
Fuck, ma! Ma! They're shooting! Where are you? Where are you? - Okay, I'm right here, baby! I'm right here! - Let's go! [CRASHING.]
Oh, this is fucking awesome.
CAM VOICEOVER: Too many Americans live lives in hopeless poverty.
Every year a sleeping baby has a finger or thumb gnawed off by filthy city rats.
[BABY CRYING.]
Is that a hand? [BABY CRYING.]
- Millions more face starvation.
- [CROWD GAGGING.]
They're forced to find whatever they can to feed their families.
- That's the shit.
- Fuck! This shit is horrible! Chemical by-products of first-world conveniences - cause horrible genetic mutations.
- Cam, what what are you thinking? Wait, come on.
You're gonna miss it.
Maggot-infested water is the only thing - some people have to drink.
- [CHITTERING, SQUEAKING.]
Maggots is just baby flies.
Get the Raid out.
- Only we can make it stop.
- [CROWD GAGGING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[WOMAN SCREAMS.]
No! [ALL GROANING.]
Get over here! What the fuck were you thinking? I wanted to hit them in their guts.
Well, you completely overdid it with the video.
We could have shown The Human Centipede in 3-D - and fewer people would have puked.
- How did you fuck this up? How did I fuck this up? I'm a professional athlete.
The product of the American culture of idolatry, which means I am no longer capable of sound judgment.
When I'm right, I'm right.
When I'm wrong, I'm right, and my people are wrong for foolishly trusting me to do something on my own without a normal person there to tell me what should be done.
How am I supposed to know that? - Reggie should have told you.
- Hey, I'm not stepping in here, but He talked for hours and never said that shit! Well, I would have eventually got to it, but you rushed me, M wait, ooh, excuse me.
Ugh.
I thought that if I went too far, you would have stopped me.
You told me not to look at the video! - You expressly said - What did I say, Missy? [SQUELCHING.]
"Missy, I got this.
Walk away!" "I got this, walk away," means don't go anywhere until you make sure I got this.
- Stop yelling at me! - I'm not yelling at you! I'm yelling at myself by yelling at you! Two completely different kinds of yelling! Well, I can't tell the difference! Hey, how fucking great is this, huh? - [PHONES CHIMING.]
- BOTH: What? Look around! Everyone's donating.
They're emptying both their stomachs and their wallets.
All's well that ends well.
Hey, how great were those maggots eating that zebra carcass, huh? I got fucking good people.
- [PHONES CHIMING.]
- Missy, this is great! Yo, way to be, girl! This is fucking awesome! [PHONES CHIMING.]
I have a new respect for what you go through.
And that's all I'm saying.
Oh, excuse me.
[VOMITS.]