Swedish Dicks (2016) s02e01 Episode Script

A Thief Amongst Us

1 Hey, Graham, I've been meaning to ask your advice on something.
Well, hit me, buddy.
I've been thinking about getting myself a guitar.
Do you have a favorite guitar? 1959 Gibson Explorer.
That's my baby right there.
How much? I'd say at least 250.
$250? $250,000.
Ooh! Now, that is a lot.
And when did you take this? - The photo? - Yeah.
Just last week.
So how come you filed an insurance claim two months ago saying it was stolen? What the fuck is this, Frisco? His name is not Frisco.
It's Axel.
And his name is not Ricardo the Magician.
It's Ingmar.
And you have just been busted for insurance fraud.
Wait.
You just pretended to be my friend for two months just so I'd show you that photo? That's right.
What about Paintball Thursday? Not going to be any more of those.
And when I broke up with Melissa, you just gave me a hug and said, "Bros before hoes.
" Yeah, I I don't believe that.
And what about those nights we just looked up at the stars talking about the future, man? We're not going to open up a microbrewery, Graham.
Who the fuck are you guys? We're dicks.
Swedish dicks.
Swedish Dicks 2x01 Dec 25, 2017 So then I realized what the confusion was about.
Yeah? What? Because I'd written in my profile that I was a big Chris Rock fan.
- Sure.
- That's what I thought I wrote.
But I had autocorrect on.
So actually what I'd written was, "I'm a big Christian rock fan.
" - Oh.
- And, by the time we cleared up the confusion, the concert was almost over.
Did you crack the clam, at least? I'm sorry, what? Did you open the oyster? Uh, no, she wanted to wait till marriage.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hi.
So, uh, do you know what this is about? He wants to talk to you about something.
Dad? Uh, well, Axel you saved my life.
You killed Tex, and I know it's been very hard for you to cope with that.
But, um I think what my dad is trying to say is he's really happy to be working with you.
That's right.
Ingmar, you don't know what this means to me.
- Oh, he's not done yet.
- Oh, sorry.
Yeah, these last couple months, we've been doing some great money.
And it's not entirely because of me.
I want us to become partners.
Real partners.
Fifty-fifty partners.
Which means you're going to get half of the profits.
I thought I already got half.
I don't uh, no? And I want us to go legit.
"Applying for your PI license.
" I want us to take the Dicks to a whole new level.
Oh, now he's done.
Ingmar, you don't know what this means to me.
Do you know how many nights I've dreamt of you opening up to me, to connect with me as a human I take it back.
- No, no, you can't take it back.
- I take it back.
No, it's too late.
I'm already happy.
Swedish Dicks.
Mm-hmm.
Can you meet us at the office tomorrow morning? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Did you say you were street performers? Yes.
Or sidewalk entertainers, if you will.
You are the guys on Hollywood Boulevard dressing up like superheroes for tips? There is a little bit more to it than that.
- We're actors, man.
- Of course.
Sorry.
- Ingmar didn't mean to - Don't worry.
It's just sometimes people don't understand what we do.
I just tell people to watch Inside the Actors Studio with Dustin Hoffman.
Like, just watch it, then we'll talk.
So now that we cleared that up, what brings you to the Swedish Dicks? We have a thief amongst us.
A thief? We suspect that one of the street performers uses the gig to get close to tourists.
Then he steals wallets, purses, anything he can get his dirty hands on.
Rumor's starting to spread, as if people didn't hate us enough.
Business owners have started to call the cops on us.
And there have been beatings.
Beatings? Vigilante tourists out for blood.
So if we catch this guy, you'll have some peace and quiet? The cops can't find him.
You guys are our only hope.
Our only hope.
I think it's kind of beautiful what these guys do.
Those guys? - Yeah.
- Come on.
Well, they come to California with dreams of becoming actors.
And then years pass, decades.
But they don't give up on their dream.
Someone should tell them if it hasn't happened yet, it's probably because they suck at acting.
That's a little harsh.
The truth is harsh, Axel.
They should do porn.
What? Marilyn Monroe, Bette Davis.
"Oh, who's at the door?" "Superman and Shrek.
" Bow-chicka-bow-bow, chicka-bow-bow.
He took my wallet.
I just turned around, and it was gone.
And then I turned to Marmie to tell her, and she was like "Fred, my purse is gone.
" I literally said it just like that.
And you didn't see anything else? His clothes, nothing? I just felt something weird in my pants, and then it was over.
Well, I know that feeling.
I was taking the photo of, uh, my beautiful femme Bernadette.
She was, uh, eating a Popsicle, looking very cute.
- What? - So then I put I put down ma caméra.
The ou est ma caméra? Ou est ma caméra.
- What? - Saw him from the corner of mon eye.
The corner of you what? He saw the thief! You not speak English? Oh, did you see what he looked like? Oui.
He looked like that.
Zorro.
Oui, Zorro! You know what "zorro" means? - No.
- "Fox.
" Yeah? Hey, did you see that Antonio Banderas movie? I mean, it's not my favorite Banderas movie, to be honest.
But is it in my top five? Well, uh, let's see.
It's definitely better than Spy Kids.
Angry Bird to Viking One.
I got eyes on Zorro.
Viking One to Angry Bird.
What's your 20? Going west on Hollywood Boulevard, approaching your position.
He be there in minus one minute.
Come on.
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You stay off Hollywood Boulevard, or there will be consequences, you punk! We know what you've been up to.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You have been committing petty theft on several occasions.
Wait, you think I'm the pickpocket? Yeah, that's right, homeboy.
I just had open carpal tunnel surgery.
How am I going to be the pickpocket, man? - Sorry.
- We had information that it was Zorro who was doing it, so that's Well, looks like you guys got your work cut out for you.
Ever since that new movie came out, everybody want to be Zorro.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Okay, we have some bad news, and we have some good news.
The good news is that we know who's been doing it.
It's Zorro.
Yeah, but the bad news is, there's a lot of Zorros out there because of this new movie.
The good news is that they seem to have found a way to give Zorro a bit more psychological depth.
That's impressive.
Bad news is, that doesn't help us.
But the good news? We do have a plan to catch this guy.
But the good news is that due to these new circumstances, it's going to cost you a bit more.
The good news for us, that is, yeah.
You guys have a strange way of talking.
Hmm.
I agree.
Next? Hello, we're a couple of Swedish dicks.
- Detectives.
- And we would like to apply for our PI license.
So just fill these forms out and return them when you're ready.
And if everything checks out, you'll get your license in the mail in about two weeks.
That's all? I should have done this years ago.
Ingmar and Axel.
Jane.
How lovely to see you both.
You're in a good mood, for a change.
You see, I just closed a tough case involving corporate espionage.
And I'm about to celebrate with some good friends from the Hollywood in-crowd.
This is Chantel.
And this is my rapper friend, Ill Cosby.
He's very provocative.
Hi.
What are you two doing here? Well, I'm You're getting your license.
It's just wonderful that they've relaxed the rules a bit.
It used to be that only good detectives were admitted.
But what does that even mean, right? Yeah, right.
And I suppose you're here for moral support? No.
Actually, I'm Oh, my God.
You want to be a detective, too? I am a detective.
"I am a detective.
" Aw, yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
You're a great big dick.
That's too cute! No, I don't want to do some super-easy undercover work.
I don't understand why you two can't do this on your own.
Because our covers are blown.
And I think it's time for you to start learning these things.
What things? You're not going to be a lawyer your entire life, are you? Dad, I am not going to be a PI.
Look, what Ingmar's trying to say is that it'll be fast.
Listen, we want this guy to steal your phone.
But it's not going to be your phone.
It's going to be my phone.
Do you know why? So you can track it? So we can track it.
Fine.
- Yeah.
- But I have a thing at 7:00.
We'll be done in an hour.
Ally McBeal to Viking One.
Viking One to Ally.
Dad, I've already been here for two hours.
I've really got to go.
Okay, Sarah, you got another Zorro on your five o'clock.
Try to get closer.
He left.
Just skip him, move to the next.
Hello, girl.
What is your name? What? What's up, What? Want to hang out later? What? No, fuck off.
Move to the next.
You know what the problem is with girls like you? Is that you're superficial.
Because I don't have a cool job or cool car, that makes me a loser, right? Well, I feel sorry for you, because you're empty inside.
And you just said no to a great guy.
Sarah, don't listen to him.
Okay, look, sorry, guys.
Looks like he's not gonna show.
I've really got to go.
Well, can you just give us 15 more minutes, hon? Dad, I have to go.
It's a date.
What's his name? You know what? That's it.
I'm leaving.
And by the way, Axel, it's Brad.
Brad? Don't like the sound of that.
What does he do? He's a lawyer.
Never trust a lawyer, Sarah.
They only got one thing on their mind.
Dad, I'm a lawyer.
Yeah, but you're one of the good ones, obviously.
Well, so is Brad, Dad.
- "Brad Dad.
" - What? "Brad Dad.
" You need to read up a little on the overprotective Dad trope and how it relates to toxic masculinity.
Wait! He's here! - Who, Brad? - Zorro! Okay, so, what do you want me to do? Just wait for it.
- He got it! - Zorro's got the bag.
I repeat, Zorro's got the bag.
Okay, go time.
You got him? Yep, got him.
I think he's turning right.
- Right? - Yeah, turn right.
- Okay, okay.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I think he's turned left.
Left? Go left.
Left.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- For what? - Wait, he's slowing down.
- Slowing down? - Yeah.
- How do you mean? - I think he's in there.
- He's in there? - In there, yeah.
- What.
- Shit! The dot! The dot went away.
Oh, shit.
Let's get out.
Hey we're looking for a man dressed as Zorro.
Hey! Sneaky like a fox.
So we follow him from Hollywood down to Hancock Park.
But then he makes a U-turn and goes straight to this restaurant downtown, - where he disappears.
- Yeah, and did he drop something off? Ingmar Shh, can you please? I'm thinking.
- Move! - Hey! Can you stop it? Hollywood, Silver Lake, Hancock Park, downtown, huh? Oh! Oh, that's clever.
- Wow.
- He's just been playing with us.
Call him.
He has your phone, right? Why would I call him? I know this type of guy.
He likes to ride on you.
- Like a horse? - No, smaller, like a dog.
He wants you to know he's smarter than you.
Yeah? Yeah, hello.
Um this is, uh, the person whose phone you stole.
Oh, hello, Ingmar.
You know my name? I know everything about you, you Swedish dickhead.
I got your mo cell phone, remember? You should really use a pin code.
Well, I would like that phone back, please.
- One thousand.
- One thou not a ch Just agree to whatever he want.
If we can get a meeting with him, we can set a trap.
Yeah, that's fine.
Two thousand.
Yeah, that's fine.
Say, "Please, Zorro, can I buy my own phone back like a dickhead?" Please, Zorro, can I buy my own phone back? "Like a dickhead.
" Like a dickhead? No, say it like a dickhead.
Well, Zorro, can I buy my own phone back, dickhead? Sure.
Where do you want to meet up? Yes.
Yes, there's a parking garage at the Grove.
Don't you think I understand that the place is going to be crawling with Feds? I played you, man.
I played you good.
Well, it was worth a shot.
Failed again.
Failed again.
Oh, hello, Ingmar.
You know my name? I know everything about you, you Swedish dickhead.
I got your mo cell phone, remember? I got your mo I got your mo Ingmar.
Ingmar? Looking for this? Don't forget that I am the best thief in the world.
What do you want? I heard that you've been feeling pretty good lately, letting people in, making plans.
Cute as that may be, I just wanted to say that you shouldn't get your hopes up.
What are you trying to tell me? Your life will always be shit, and people will always let you down.
Why are you here, Zorro? Zorro? Please.
Don't listen to that other guy.
He's a clown.
Help me.
Find me.
Forgive me! Ingmar! - Forgive me.
- Tex.
- Ingmar! - Tex! I know who it is.
Yeah, uh, hello? I listened to the tape, Ingmar, to every little noise in the background, over and over again.
And then I heard it.
And, it wasn't in the background at all.
Where was it? It was in the front ground.
It's one of you.
One of us? - Yes.
- Which one? David, you had the motive: money.
And you have the nimble fingers to be able to really Wait, are you going to do each of us this way before you tell us who did it? Yeah, that's what I had planned.
Okay, can you skip that part and just kind of move on? Yeah, all right, fine.
It's Robin Hood.
After years of being rejected as an actor, he finally found something he was good at.
- He's lying.
- Hmm? Am I? I know everything about you, you Swedish dickhead.
I got your mo cell phone, remember? I got your mo I got your mo I got your mo Before he says "cell phone," he says "mo.
" Mo.
Johnny, you're from England.
What do you call a cell phone over there? A mo A mobile, right? Is that what you wanted to say? Johnny That doesn't prove anything.
No.
You're right, it doesn't.
That's why we found another way to get proof.
Sun, can you please tell us where you are? I'm at 1319 West Merced Avenue in West Covina.
That's my apartment.
Right after you left to come here, our colleague broke into your house.
Sun, could you please tell us what you found? I found the Zorro costume, and a bunch of wallets, asshole.
Those wallets are not admissible in court.
You had no right to break into my house.
I didn't.
We just played you, man.
We played you good.
Real good.
Is this like a method acting thing, man? No, I was planning to steal from the rich and give to the poor.
That was my intention.
Bollocks.
Congratulations.
Well played.
Yeah.
You know, I actually feel like I'm starting to become a real detective.
That's great.
Pretty soon you'll be a licensed one as well.
Mm-hm.
So, uh, how was your date with Brad Dad? Is he the one? Actually, I Oh, wow.
I like him.
- That's all.
- Hmm.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Hi, kids.
This is so great.
Clean, cool air.
You know, it's nice to see you in such a cheery mood.
I'm happy.
The future is looking okay.
I, uh, feel like I need to say a few words to you all.
But especially to you, Ingmar.
For for taking me in.
For making me a man's man.
I'm not saying you've become like a father to me but I feel like I've become like a son to you.
And I just look forward to our future together, and the future of the of the Swedish Sorry, I'm just going to - Axel speaking.
- Hi, Axel.
It's Melanie DiPietro from the Investigative Service Association.
Um, it turns out that the visa information that you provided has expired.
- Huh? - Yeah.
So if you could send us a current visa and work permit, that would be great.
Because according to this, you you don't even have the right to be in the country.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, that that's very funny.
I'll take care of that.
To the future of the Swedish Dicks.
To the Dicks!