Swedish Dicks (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

It Had to be Lou

That's what I'm talking about.
This is it.
Licensed, bonded.
- Perfect, right? - Do you really think both our names should be on it? Both our names are on it because we're partners.
- That's why.
- What's with the picture of the wolf? I got all these business cards for free when I bought the copier paper.
But we don't even have a working copier.
This is one small business owner thinking big.
I want you to think of this like the Dicks 2.
0.
We're going to take it to the next level, guys.
Oh, by the way, yeah, I I got my license with the mail yesterday.
What about you? Not yet.
I'll probably get it tomorrow or something.
Well, looks like you busy.
I be on my way, then.
Swedish Dicks.
Axel, answer my question with only yes or no.
Are you ready to handle your immigration situation? Yes.
- Are you lying? - Yes.
Are you crazy? You illegal alien, huh? They going to throw you out of the country, remember? Yes.
You're like the whales in Norway they kill for fun, you want that? What do whales have to do with? - Yes or no, dummy.
- No.
Good, because I got connections, and we're going to get you some legal immigration papers.
No talking to Ingmar.
- But - No buts! You only talk to me on this.
- Who was that? - Oh, the wrong number.
Swedish Dicks 2x03 "It Had to be Lou" Jan 1, 2018 Hello.
How can we help you? I'm Rebecca Glos, and I'm a lawyer.
I was sent on behalf of a client who specifically requested the Swinging Dicks.
The Swedish Dicks.
Yes.
Is that a wolf? Just who is your client, Miss Glos? That I cannot reveal.
Guys, I'm on a very tight schedule.
But my driver is outside.
So, uh, what kind of lawyer are you, Mrs.
Glos? Miss Glos.
I've never been married.
I have a small practice with just a few select clients.
- What about you? - Oh, I'm not a lawyer.
She means are you married? Oh.
Oh, no.
I'm not married, no.
I'm just seeing someone, but it's not that serious.
Haven't had sex or anything.
Just taking it slow.
Only met her recently.
Well, that was a lot of information.
Yeah.
Who the hell are we meeting? I don't know.
Kind of chilly in here.
Yeah.
When are you going to tell us the name of this mystery client? Oh, no - You're - Alive.
Yes, I am.
But I shot you.
I saw you die.
Did you? He did! He did! He saw you die in my arms.
I saw you die.
What the fuck is going on, Tex? - Ingmar.
- What?! Ingmar! It's good to see you, pal.
Okay, would you excuse us? Of course.
Okay, so you see him too, right? Of course I do.
It's not a ghost.
- Keep it together, Ingmar.
- You keep it together! Got any idea what I've been going through? What you've been going through? - Yeah.
- I'm the one who killed him.
It still plays along in a loop in my head with "Dancing Queen" and the theme from Friends.
Do you have any idea what it's like to kill a man? Of course I do.
I killed him first.
I actually killed him.
I know it's a lot to take in.
How did you survive? The funk saved my life.
What? After you left me for dead, I hobbled like a broken commando out of that big building.
And then I fell.
I fell five stories and landed in the back seat of a lowrider.
I was nearly dead, this time for real were it not for one thing: the funk pumping through those speakers that ran into my lifeless body.
And it restarted my heart.
The funk was like a defibrillator.
I know there's no way I'd have survived if they were listening to Celtic music or country.
The funk saved my life.
Then the coppers had me, and you know what? It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm never getting out of here, but still I'm a happy man.
And the reason for that is a man named Oscar Bustamente.
Who is Oscar Bustamente? Oscar Bustamente is a former city councilman, and corrupt son of a bitch.
He's doing life for murder here.
Yes, Ingmar, but he's also my savoir.
He taught me how to play the sax and how to be human again.
He's also innocent.
At least of the murder.
Bullshit! He was framed, Ingmar! And I need your help to prove it.
You're the best, and I trust you.
And you're my friend.
Help me.
Help me help Oscar.
I can pay you.
I can pay you a lot of money.
It's insane.
I'm not going to do this.
- No.
- Maybe it's the lawyer in me, but if an innocent man is in jail, I think we should do something about it.
Even if it's coming from a formerly dead hit man.
And sax player.
What's the matter with you? Are you all crazy here now? Maybe.
But here's the thing that throws me.
Councilman Bustamente's task force completely cleaned out the gangs in Koreatown.
But we all know the crime rate didn't go down.
For reals.
My nail place got hit five times last year.
I didn't know you went to a nail salon.
No, nail store.
Where they sell nails.
Okay, that's enough.
I'm not going to do anything for this psychopath.
- What, Tex? - Yeah.
You still don't get it, do you? You're not doing this for Tex, Dad.
You are doing this for justice.
And cash.
This could put the Dicks on the map in a huge way.
Forget about Tex.
You're not helping Tex.
Tex is helping you.
His name was Sanchez.
He was a drug dealer in Koreatown.
I did not kill him.
I'm not a murderer.
What about the witnesses that testified they saw you do it? I think they were coerced.
Okay, by who? Tex only told me about you, Ingmar.
Yeah, well, Axel is my partner.
You can trust him.
- Does he know the password? - Okay, give him the password.
Kenny G sucks.
You got that right, man.
Okay, continue.
Okay, there were these three cops on my gang task force.
They helped me clean up the street, and then they took it over.
I think these were the guys that set me up.
- The cops? - Shh! You got to be careful.
They got eyes everywhere.
"Swedish Dicks"? Yeah, that's us.
And we would like to ask you a few questions regarding your testimony in the Oscar Bustamente trial.
Yeah.
Now, you said you saw Oscar Bustamente commit murder.
Is that correct? - He do not speak English.
- He testified.
- Did he have an interpreter maybe? - All speak English.
You do not speak English now.
Honey, we're out of bleach again.
I told you I was going to do it! Listen, you guys have to leave right now.
- It's not safe.
- What? They can't know that we're talking to you.
- "They"? - Just leave.
Please.
- Please.
Leave.
- Just go now.
- Go.
- Okay.
Okay.
We're leaving.
We're leaving.
Come on.
Hey, Sarah? Can you get me the court transcripts from the Bustamente trial and meet us at the office in let's say half an hour? Thank you.
Actually, I'll catch up with you later, because I've got an appointment.
You got an appointment now? Yeah.
I got a meeting with my teeth doctor.
- You mean a dentist? - Yeah.
He's right in this neighborhood.
So, I'll catch up with you later.
Here's to no cavities.
Let's go.
Is this your car? No, this not my car.
Get in.
Isaac Contreras, Dan Marks, Kenny Ellis.
These were the cops working Bustamente's task force, but now look at the police logs I got.
K-Town is still their patrol.
Finally, your lawyer connections are good for something.
Nice one, Dad.
Happy to be here to help you.
Well, Mr.
and Mrs.
Yee are scared out of their minds.
These guys are bad apples.
So, Tex wasn't lying.
Not this time, anyway.
- Hello? - Swedish Dick.
- Mr.
Dick, is this you? - Can you calm down? Please, it's this is Mrs.
Yee.
- We need your help.
- All right, people! Laundromat's now closed! - They're here.
Please, help us.
- You hear me? - Please! Please hurry! - Get your panties, get your undies and get out! Come on! Oh.
That was Mrs.
Yee.
Some cops just came to their place.
- Wait, those cops? - That's what I'm going to find out.
This doesn't look like an immigration office to me.
You like it? I can give you a good deal on that one.
Used only once.
Lou.
My sweet Sunny Bunny.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
It has been an age.
Oh, uh, bad news.
If you are parked in the fire lane, I think your car was just towed.
Not my car.
Ah.
Dreadfully sorry to keep you waiting.
You must be the person formally known as Axel? Formerly known as? He going to give you a new identity.
What's wrong with my old identity? Well, Sunny Bunny tells me you're about to be deported, chiquitita.
I'm going to make sure that does not happen.
You getting a dead guy's name.
I make them available for people in certain situations for a fee.
No fee.
You owe me favor.
- I most certainly do not.
- Yes.
You do.
But that wasn't Yes, it was.
Is this legal? You want stay or not? Let's take some ID pictures, shall we? Oh, don't look scared.
Very nice.
Oh! Ooh! Jackpot.
Axel? So maybe for the next one, we'll go for a Ryan Gosling thing.
Take me to La La Land.
Mm-hmm, I like it.
Okay, for the next one, let's try just the tiniest smile, like you've got a sweet secret.
Okay, we got everything.
We got ID.
We got paperwork.
Everything all done.
Why are we still taking photos? Oh, these are for my private collection.
Oh, shi I need you to drive me to Koreatown right away.
- I thought your car got towed.
- Not my car.
Shit! That little sweet's got wheels.
I'm going to put you in the dryer! No! Please, not the dryer.
My skin is sensitive.
I-I can't.
Okay, I'll put you in the washing machine.
I'm allergic to detergent.
Please, please.
I need to know what you said.
And what they said.
We told them to leave.
We didn't tell them anything.
- You're lying! - No, no, it's true.
Also, you have this stain on your uniform.
We can totally fix that.
- It would take five minutes.
- Not know, Jefferson! Okay, hold it! Hey! Back off.
Back off.
Let them go.
Go! Okay, I want the two of you to drop your guns slowly onto the floor.
You heard me! Good.
Now, kick them over to me.
One by one.
- Thank - Drop it, dick.
Oh.
Hey, good timing, eh? Shit! Poor guy.
I see the Swede, but where's the dick? Hey! Drop your guns! Please.
Oh, I should have prepared something heroic to follow that.
Well, why don't you join your lady friend? Idiot.
- Good that you're okay.
- I've never had a better time.
Tie them up.
Now I get it.
It was you, wasn't it? You killed Sanchez, and then you framed Bustamente.
Right place, right time.
We took out Sanchez and needed Bustamente out of the way.
It was a win-win.
And Bustamente went down like a perfect little stooge.
Yeah? We're going to keep this neat and tidy.
You two are going to float away on a cloud.
Another win-win.
You'll never get away with this.
Of course I will.
This is gas.
This whole place is going to explode.
But don't worry.
You'll be asleep by then.
See you later, Swedish Dicks.
Oh, shit.
- Okay, let's do something.
- Okay Okay, move to the left.
What are you doing? No, I am moving to my left.
I mean my left.
Well, that's my right.
Can't you say move to the right? Move to the right! How do you mean? Like this? Yup.
Okay.
Okay, wait.
Oh, shit, sorry.
- I think I can get out.
- What? - I got it.
- Can you fix it? - Maybe.
- You got to stop it.
Okay, cover it up.
Ah! There.
You got to plug it up! Good.
Good.
Good.
Good job.
Oh.
Oh, try to get Actually, you've got a stain right here, and it's - Not now, Jefferson! - Okay! - Shut off the gas! - Yeah.
Are you okay? I think my partner might be a little sick from the gas.
Oh, my gosh.
I feel fine.
We took out Sanchez and needed Bustamente out of the way.
- It was a win-win.
- Yeah.
And Bustamente went down like a perfect little stooge.
You'll never get away with this.
Of course I will.
This is gas.
This whole place is going to explode.
Is it okay if I make a recording of this? Please do, Miss Glos.
I'll never be able to thank you enough.
No, Oscar, thank you.
Remember to practice your sax, Tex.
Think, uh, Sonny Rollins.
Will do.
I don't know how I'm ever going to thank you for giving me my life back.
Tex told me I could trust you, and I'm glad that I did.
It's been a pleasure, Mr.
Bustamente.
Yeah, except for the getting tied up and the gas part.
I just have one thing to say.
I love the Dicks.
Thank you, Ingmar.
I did it for the money.
- Really? - Yeah.
Not because we're friends? - For the money.
- It was a big case.
- It was a big case.
- So, I helped you.
You helped me, yeah.
Bye, Tex.
Ingmar I need you to help me when my time comes.
I'm innocent, too.
I'm just kidding, man.
I'm guilty as shit.
I owe you, pal.
You're the best.
Great job.
Great job! Visit anytime! I'll be here.
Fellows, take me home.
I'm not going to lie.
I'm impressed, Ingmar.
Thank you.
You and your little partner actually went from sniffing each other's butts to cracking a case that matters.
Feels pretty good, doesn't it? Oh, you might say that again.
Awfully nice of you to share this moment with me.
I've been so successful for so long, I've almost forgotten what the first big score feels like.
And I'm happy that I can remind you.
I suppose you think that the Swedish Dicks are on my level now.
Well, think again.
It's going to take a hell of a lot more than a license and some high-profile case.
It's going to take balls.
And I'm sure you know your way around them.
Good one, Ingmar.
What about another round? You're on.
It's going to be a long night.
What's the holdup, cowboy? Oh.
I'm just cleaning up.
You know, taking my time? No rush.
No rush? That's what you said about us.
Well, you know, a clean kitchen is very important to me.
You know, a person spends one-third of his or her life in the kitchen.
In bed.
A person spends a third of their life in bed.
Which is where I want you Floyd.
Floyd? Is this you? Uh, yes.
Floyd Calhoun? I thought your name was Axel.
I changed it.
I like it.
Oh.
Hmm.
Now come to bed, Floyd Calhoun.