Swedish Dicks (2016) s02e06 Episode Script

Behind Bars

1 [TEX] If you told me 20 years ago that I'd become a prison funk guru, I swear, I would've thrown you outta my trailer.
I was heavily into rap-metal back then.
But life takes you unexpected places.
Why am I here, Tex? Being in here makes you think about what's important in life.
Friends are important, and I consider you my friend, Ingmar.
- Okay.
- Have you met Warden Johnson? She's kind of a funk fiend, so we get along great.
- And? - And apparently, she hired this P.
I.
broad, Jane something.
- Jane McKinney? - Right.
But it's not working out, so I was thinking it could be an opportunity for you guys to, you know, swoop in.
Do you want me to set up a meeting? So, Tex called me a funk fiend, huh? Well, if I am, it's all because of him.
Did he tell you that he's been running a program that rehabilitates serial killers with the positive power of funk? No, he did not.
They're called The Raw Funk Redemption.
They're actually pretty funky.
Me and my cousin used to have a Big Pun tribute band called Big Pun Intended.
Anyway, Tex told me you got a problem with inmates breaking out.
[JOHNSON] It's actually kind of embarrassing.
Three breakouts over the last month, and we have no idea how they're doing it.
You don't know who to trust.
You need someone from outside.
I could lose my job over this.
Lord knows, what would I do then? Do you have any idea what doggy daycare costs in this fucking city? Don't worry, ma'am.
We'll find the breech.
I'll be honest with you, I don't know how y'all are gonna do it if Jane McKinney couldn't.
Everybody says she's the best.
Let's just say that we got a few more tools in our toolbox.
Ourselves.
We are the tools.
[SIGHS DEEPLY] No, Dad, you're gonna get yourself killed! Oh, come on, Sarah.
I've done undercover work before.
But you have never done it inside a prison! - We got problem.
- What? [SUN] Harry Hiroshima.
- Oh, shit.
- What? There's a guy in there.
I put him away ten years ago.
Oh, he's gonna blow my cover! - [AXEL] That's not good.
- [GROANS] So what do we do? Oh, no.
Swedish Dicks 2x06 "Behind Bars" Jan 8, 2018 Okay, what's the slang word for "to get stabbed"? To dance on the blacktop.
And what does, "brake fluid" mean? Drugs.
Was it was it drugs? No, yeah, it's it's drugs.
I just think it's gonna take a lot more than slang to survive prison.
Are you saying I don't have what it takes? No, I'm just saying it's you know, it's not too late to change your mind.
Well, it is too late, Eve.
This is who I am now.
I gotta commit to that.
I'm proud of you, Floyd Calhoun.
[CLEARS THROAT] Once you go in, you're on your own.
The guards don't know you're a P.
I.
Neither do any of the other inmates except for Tex.
Your objective is to identify the breach and report it back to us.
Have you memorized your cover story? My name is Alfred "The Murderer" Smith.
I'm doing 25 to life for murder.
It's a little on the nose, don't you think? I think it's great.
Any other questions? - What's for lunch? - Chicken liver and beans.
- Sounds good.
- It's not.
[KEYS JANGLING, FOOTSTEPS] [DOOR OPENS] - What? - What? The fuck you just say to me? I didn't say anything.
Oh, so you're saying that I got a I got a problem with my hearing? No.
Do you know what an otolaryngologist is? No.
It's a hearing doctor, bitch.
You know what my otolaryngologist said to me? No.
Said I could hear 15 megahertz.
Or whatever.
Look, I don't gots time to learn all the hearing-science terminologies.
- [AXEL] Of course - So I just told him, "Doctor, English, please.
" And he was all like, "Jeremy, you got great hearing.
" Even showed me a fucking graph that proved it.
- Oh.
- So, when somebody makes fun of my hearing do you know what happens to my feelings? They get hurt? Yeah! They get fucking hurt.
Hey, cut it out, Jeremy.
I said, "Cut it out!" That's right, keep walking Jeremy.
[SARAH] Can you stop? I can't concentrate.
I'm fine, Sarah.
Yeah.
- Dad! Stop.
Please.
- Okay.
He knows what he's doing, right, Sarah? - I'm worried, too.
- Yeah.
What the fuck, Ingmar? Well, hello there, Jane.
What do you think you're doing stealing my case? Well, you couldn't solve it, but we will.
Because we have the one crucial thing required to infiltrate in a man's prison.
And what's that? Penises? Ugh.
That's gross.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] - [CLEARS THROAT] - Jane.
What's up? I want my case back.
I'm sorry.
You had your chance.
I'll do it for free.
Why? That's between me and Ingmar.
Look, I don't care who solves it.
- I just need it solved.
- Well, you could never have too many dicks on the inside, right? I'm not sure I'm following.
- I wanna go undercover, too.
- This is an all-male prison.
Hmm.
I think you're forgetting something.
Nice shoes.
Nice ass.
Don't look at me.
Hey.
Tex.
- I said, "Don't look at me.
" - Oh, sorry.
You're not gonna get anywhere in here if people don't respect you.
I know.
I can't make them respect me.
- Hey.
- Hey, Fred, Great jam earlier.
Very funky.
Yeah.
Really took my mind off my urges and shit.
That's awesome, man.
Just remember what we talked about.
And keep up the funk.
Keep up the funk, Tex.
You need to pick a fight with the most bad-ass guy in prison.
And you need to win.
I can't win against these guys.
Yes, you can.
Oh.
You mean Yes.
Wha what do you mean? Who do you think is the most bad-ass guy in here? Who? Me.
Keep up the funk.
Sergeant Dickinson reporting for duty, sir.
Hello, Tex.
Hello.
Do you know who I am? You must be Jane McKinney.
[CHUCKLES] Do you know why I'm here? To ruin my dinner? I know you're working with Axel, and I want you to come and work with me instead.
- That's not gonna happen.
- I'll pay you more.
- I'm not a whore.
- Then this means war.
The rhyming was unintentional.
On my part as well.
[LAUGHING] [SPEAKING SWEDISH] Hey, what are you doing? I wanna watch my show.
Change it back.
Or what? You don't wanna know what.
Oh, but I do wanna know what.
- No, you don't.
- Oh, but I do.
But you don't.
But I do.
- [GRUNTS] - [CHOKING] Yeah! Who's next? [GASPING] You?! You?! You? That's right.
- Hey! - [GRUNTS] Where'd you learn to fight like that? The streets.
Which streets were those? The streets of San Francisco.
So what are you in for? Murder.
Really? How long you got? Life.
But, uh, I don't intend to stay, if you know what I'm saying.
What are you talking about? [WHISPERS] A jackrabbit parole.
Huh? That's a prison slang word.
It means to escape.
I've never heard anyone ever say that.
Well, maybe you don't know every slang word in the world.
But I know a few.
Where'd you pick that up? Oh, it's a very common prison slang word back in the big Sanny Franny.
Did you just say, "Sanny Franny?" No, I yeah, may yeah.
[GRUNTS] You're a weird little dude.
I'm Jeremy.
I'm Alfred The Murderer.
Hey! Break it up.
- We're just talking here! - I said, "Break it up.
" You, you're coming with me.
Yeah.
What are you doing here, Jane? Look, I don't know what game you're playing or what business you have with that Jeremy guy, but if you're onto something, you will report to me.
- [SCOFFS] Yeah? - Got that, you little weasel? Or what? Ow! - Or that.
- [WHIMPERS] [MAN WHISPERING] Hey.
Psst! Hey! I hear you're looking for a way out.
I sure am.
It's not free.
I have money.
You have anyone on the outside that can help you? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Now just listen carefully.
So, basically, they want us to put $100,000 into a bag and give it to a guy in Echo Park later today.
Once the payments come through, they're gonna give me the details on how to escape.
Okay, but how can we be sure this isn't a setup? Like, they're trying to rip us off.
We don't, but I don't think we have a choice.
You guys don't have $100,000, though.
I guess we could do the Gothenburg Shuffle.
Yeah.
The Gothenburg Shuffle.
[TELEVISION PLAYING IN BACKGROUND] So did you get the money? [MAN] Uh-huh.
Should we count it? [SIGHS] Honey.
What? [BOTTLES CLANK] Fuck.
It's a setup.
Call him.
- Call him now.
- [DOOR OPENS] Gimme the phone.
Who are you? What do you want? Who's your guy on the inside? [SCOFFS] I don't know.
He waiting for you to give him go-ahead, right? Right.
So that's exactly what you're gonna do.
Here.
Looks like your friends came through for you.
So tonight at 6:00 P.
M.
, you and me, we're gonna get in a fight.
I'm gonna put you in the infirmary.
Why you gotta do that, hombre? Because that is the way outta here.
Oh.
- [GRUNTS] - What did you say? What do you think I said, esé? I think you said something about me.
Yeah, that's exactly right.
I said something about your hearing.
And what was that? - That it sucks! - What?! It! Sucks! I can't hear you! It! Sucks! Ooh! Come here, little man! - [GROWLING] - Wanna dance?! - [SNARLS] - Come down now! Come on! Hey! Break it up! Take him back to his cell! [GRUNTS] You I wanna talk to.
[JANE] I think you know who the breach is, and I think you're helping him.
You got nothing on me.
[CHUCKLES] What would you say if I told you your little friend Alfred the Murderer isn't really a murderer at all? His real name is Axel, and he's a P.
I.
What? Mm-hmm, so either way, your little operation is going straight down the toilet.
You decide if you wanna go with it.
So let me ask you one more time.
Who's the breach? Jane? I know who the breach is.
Jeremy gave him up.
So who is it? [AXEL] Help! Help! - Help! - What do you want? I need to go to the infirmary.
- Why? - Why? [STAMMERS] My stomach hurts! [SCOFFS] You're not sick.
[MAN] Psst! The soap.
Drink it.
But isn't that dangerous? Well, that's the whole point, isn't it? [SOFTLY] Oh.
Hey, hey, dude! I-I meant like a sip.
You could've told me that earlier.
Agh! Oh! What did he take? Oh, my stomach! It hurts! [GROANING] - [BELCHES] - Passion fruit? How comfortable.
[GRUNTS] Wow.
This is great.
[CELL PHONE BEEPS] Oh, shit.
[ELLEN DEGENERES TALKING ON TELEVISION] They found out that Axel's a dick.
They're gonna kill him, Sun.
Come on.
- I didn't do it.
- Bullshit.
Your friend Jeremy told us all about your little operation.
He's lying.
You gotta believe me.
- I swear, Janice.
- Janice can't help you.
[CELL PHONE BUZZES] It's Ingmar.
This is the warden.
Axel is in danger.
Now don't worry.
Jane identified the breach.
Whoever you got, it's the wrong one.
- The wrong one? - Let me talk to him.
- How do you know? - I just know, okay? They're going to the infirmary right now.
Who's working the infirmary tonight? Malone.
You stay here.
Hold on.
- What? - Let's get you outta here.
- Where are you taking me? - The basement.
- Ah! Wait, wait, wait.
- What? I don't wanna break my heels.
We're too late.
- I know where they went.
- Where? - To the basement.
- The basement.
I used to come down here to get high.
That's when I found it.
- [COUGHS] What? - The tunnel.
And it's a fucking goldmine, lemme tell ya.
At a 100K a pop, you do the math.
Hey, guys.
J-Man.
Are you coming with me? Not really.
So what are you doing down here? Just saying goodbye? Yes, you can say that.
[GUN COCKS] Wait.
Whoa, whoa.
Take it easy with that.
Why should I? So you can send me back to prison? That's right.
We know who you are.
Let's talk about this.
There's nothing to talk about.
Goodbye, Alfred.
Or should I say Axel? - [GUN COCKS] - His name is Floyd.
Floyd Calhoun.
And you, mister, is under arrest.
Let's put a pin in that idea, huh? - No! - [GUN COCKS] Let's put a pin in that idea! Yah! Think again! You think again! No, you think again! [GRUNTS] You assho - [PHONE BEEPS] - This is Warden Johnson.
We need some paramedics.
- Ingmar! - Not now.
Someone's been shot.
Yes! Now! - Ingmar! - What?! Malone! He got away! Sun, you're up.
[CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT] Freeze, fuck face.
Is that a crossbow? What is this, Hunger Games? One move and your dick will find out.
- You okay? - Yeah.
[LAUGHS] [TEX] She said that? "One move and your dick will find out?" [CHUCKLES] That's great.
I'm gonna use that next time I'm in a standoff.
Speaking of that, how's Jeremy? Oh, it didn't hit any vital organs.
- He'll be fine.
- Oh, that's good, I guess.
[SIGHS] I'm proud of you guys.
You did it.
You really are great detectives.
Thanks, esé.
So [SNIFFS] how does Jane feel about all this? Exactly.
Watch your back.
[BOTH] Exactly.
[WOMAN] Can I get you something? I-if you need anything at all, I-I'm gonna be in my office.
What I need is some dirt on the dicks.
I want you to find out everything about them.
Wh-what do what do you want me to find? [CHUCKLES] Anything that will help me destroy them.