Swedish Dicks (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

Dawn of the Dicks

1 Now, that's terrible news, Mrs.
Dunn.
So, you believe your husband was kidnapped.
Yeah, that's what I said about a minute ago.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm a little distracted.
My my girlfriend comes home later today from her food-scientist convention.
I haven't seen her in a while because I've been in prison.
You were in prison? - Yes.
- Well, um Aren't you Jamie Dunn, the condo queen? Another thing I said about a minute ago.
- Yeah.
- I love your ads.
- Thanks.
- I'll take you home It's a very clever catchphrase.
D-did you ever think of using We'll get it Dunn because your name is Dunn? Can we get back to talking about my missing husband? - Certainly, Jamie.
- Doug is an actor.
Yeah? Has he been in anything we might have seen? Well, have you heard of a little movie called "The Freeloaders?" Um Uh, you know, before he disappeared, he was working on some zombie movie called "The Body Shop.
" How did the kidnappers contact you? They sent me a video.
They wanted $150,000 in 24 hours.
24 hours from when? I got this thumb drive last night and - Did you call the police? - Are you new here? I mean, that's not how ransoms work.
Have you ever even seen a cop show? I canceled my cable.
Well, do you at least have a computer? - Of course we do.
- Great.
Watch the video.
But just can you wait until I leave? Because I can't stand to see it again.
I understand.
They said they're gonna kill him.
Don't you worry, Jamie, we'll handle it.
We'll take him home We'll get it Dunn - Please stop.
- Okay.
Too soon? Swedish Dicks 2x07 "Dawn of the Dicks" Jan 15, 2018 They said they they'd call in a few days with information about where to pay the ransom.
I swear they will kill me, honey.
Please follow their directions.
I'm so scared.
I not gonna sit here and watch this guy from "Angel Teeth" again.
We watch 11 times! Yeah, but if we can get the GPS data off that video, we can figure out where it was shot, right? Pretty technical talk from a guy who doesn't even own a computer.
Oh, he read an article.
They said they'd call in a few days with information about where to pay the ransom.
- Look at that.
- What? - There.
- Yeah, chu Chuch Chuchauto.
Yeah, it's sorta sideways.
Chachu chachu Chu-u-ch - Cha cha - Yeah.
- Chuck's Auto Ts! - Chuck's.
- Huh? - Hey! I know that place.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, while we're gone, can you triangulate the geotags and isolate the metadata? Fuck off.
- Ah! - Bingo.
Hey.
Nice jacket.
- Sweet.
- Yeah.
All right, I have two cameras.
The monitor cycles through them.
The camera you're looking at is camera one.
Camera two.
One.
Two.
One.
That's two.
One.
Two.
- Yeah, sir? - One We would like to see any activity on camera two late last night.
- All right.
- If you can back it - Okay, let me try.
- Continue backing.
There, freeze it! Right there.
Back it.
Back it up a little.
Hold it hold it hold it right there.
Hold it, please.
There, look at that car.
'72 Le Mans.
Sweet, big block.
That's some real muscle there, man.
You mind if I use your computer here? - Uh, help yourself.
- Thank you.
- Hello? - Hi! I'm back.
- Did you miss me? - Oh, definitely.
Yeah, there's an Eve-shaped hole in my life.
Well, this was all kinds of adventures.
I have so much to tell you about.
Listen, uh, c-can we If you put a bunch of food scientists in a room together, - shit gets crazy.
- Yeah.
Listen, babe Um, you remember Brandon, my ex? He was there, and he was acting very weird and super uncomfortable around me.
And I was like, "What is this? What's going on?" - And I figured it out.
- Really? He's acting like he's moved on.
Like he's better than me.
You know? Yeah, I'm right up in the middle of a case, but I want to hear all about your old boyfriend.
Well, Floyd, it sounds like you don't wanna hear about it.
L-let me call you later, all right, foxy cheeks? I love you.
Listen, I ran a trace on the car.
The car belongs to a film director, Max Hill.
- Oh, trace.
Not bad.
- Yeah.
The movie he's currently working on is "The Body Shop.
" Oh, that's the film Doug the kidnapped guy is in.
You're damn right it is, Foxy Cheeks.
Chuck, you're the man, thank you.
Glad to have been of help.
I've gotta have the jacket back, though.
Thanks, Sun.
No biggie, I was gonna come in here anyway.
It's my job to snoop around and look for things they try to hide from me.
Have you seen, um, a folder I left here yesterday? - It says "Harris" on the tag? - Oh, yes.
- And? - I threw it out.
Looked like government surveillance.
- Sun! - You'll thank me later.
That was a court deposition for my work.
- Hello.
- Wait.
You're the dicks? - N-no, actually - What can we help you with? Something was stolen from me, and I really need it back.
- Like bad.
- What was stolen from you? My cousin Francis.
I set my backpack down, and, whoop, Francis was gone.
- So Francis took the bag? - She was in the backpack.
Francis is dead.
Right, Sun, I got that.
She died like a year or so ago, just before we could go on this trip that we'd been planning since we were little.
- I promised her we'd go.
- Where were you headed? San Diego, it's where she wants to be scattered.
And now she's stolen.
God damn body snatchers! Will you help me? It's something that I have to finish.
She know how you feeling.
We help you.
- Hey, baby.
- Hey, sweetie.
Sorry, I gotta take this.
I'll be right back, sorry.
Tell me about this vase.
Listen, I got an idea for you.
I wanna take you out for a little surprise lunch.
Well, it's not really a surprise if you tell me about it.
Well, what if I told you that I got us a table at Oliver's? You really don't know how surprises work, do you? I really want to see you.
How about it? I- I'd love to, Brad.
Um, but I can't.
I've got to help someone finish something.
Aw, fine.
I'm sorry, babe.
I'll call you later, okay? - Okay, bye.
- Bye.
What has it been like working on this movie? Oh, yeah, this one has been way different than any of my other films.
I mean, it's a zombie movie, you know? Yeah, I've never done anything like this.
- It's no "Kung Fu Kitty.
" - Oh, you saw that one? - Yeah, I saw all of 'em.
- Oh! You said "different.
" How has this been different? Well, did you notice that you're eating a raw carrot? Yeah.
There's, like, no money for food or anything.
Max is paying for this all himself, and he's totally running out of money.
I hear he's going broke.
Like, no one has been paid.
I'm pretty sure this food came from a dumpster behind some sort of food bank.
And he's been really mean to me, too.
Thank God I'm almost done.
- Ew.
- Yeah, that's our guy.
Max Hill, the director.
They need you on set, Ms.
Mayfield.
- Yeah.
- Um, who are you guys? Food is for actors and background only.
We are background.
Well, then get your asses over to makeup stat.
Lou's here! Hello.
Mwah! Mwah! And you must be Sarah.
- Yes.
- Let me get a look at you.
Wow.
Sunny Bunny, why haven't you brought Sarah - to see me before this? - She not into old guys.
Oh.
So I understand you are trying to locate some stolen remains? Yes, for a client.
She needs to keep a promise.
Ah, there is nothing more important than a good sendoff.
- So let's see this vessel.
- You mean "vase.
" He means "urn.
" Right, because you can't spell "burn" without "urn.
" And the cremains were inside? - Yes.
- That should be easy enough.
We'll just track it down in the missing cremains database.
Easy peasy Japanesey.
- That's racist.
- Only if you're Japanese.
W-wait, you're saying that there's a database where you can track down cremated remains? - No.
- Ah.
Funeral director.
We love to have a good time.
Well, can't spell "funeral" without "fun," right? Oh, my God, Sarah, will you marry me? Oh! This, uh, particular urn appears to be Chilean malachite.
It's a beautiful stone.
It's vintage and pretty rare.
If the thief knows how valuable it is, he'd be a boob not to try to sell it.
Will you let us know if you or one of your colleagues spots it? Absolutely, Sarah, and in the meantime, you know, just check online, craigslist, eBay, stolen-urns-for-sale dot com.
W-what do you want? What? What the hell are you doing? I'm getting into character.
Hey, we need to focus on the director! You know, he's broke, he's desperate.
His car was at the crime scene.
Back to one, shitheads! Come on! - Are all directors like that? - Yeah, all of 'em.
- "A" set.
- "B" set.
Action! No, no! No! Yes, yeah.
Yes.
No!! Yes.
- No! - Hey, fruit chews.
Hey, I have got to say something to him.
- To who? - To my ex, Brandon, who's at the convention, who's acting like he's all high and mighty and over me.
Like he's moved on.
No, I've moved on, not him.
Is that a woman screaming? Uh, no, no.
Uh, I agree, you should say something to him.
- What should I say? - Well, you know, we have an expression in Sweden.
It's called Literally, it means "fill your attic with grapes.
" But it really means "remember kindness.
" I mean, he's the one who's hurt.
He's probably just trying to protect his own feelings.
Yeah, he's still obsessed with me.
Yeah.
Okay, I-I hear you.
Are you sure that's not a woman screaming? What? No, no, no, no.
Just some squeaky brakes or something.
I don't think so.
I mean, but people tell me I give good advice Cut! Cut! Cut!! What the fuck is going on here, huh? - I gotta go.
- Everybody out! Okay.
These online auction sites, people buying and selling so much weird stuff.
Um, perhaps you forgot we are looking for human remains.
- Oh, wait.
Yes! - What, did you find something? I just put in a bid for Amelia Earhart's pap smear.
Sun.
Yeah? I've got amazing news, Sunny Bunny.
I just got a call from a colleague, and someone just tried to sell him your missing urn.
I've already emailed you all the information - so we can set up a sting.
- Who's "we?" You and Sarah and me.
I work alone, and in this case, not really alone, just not with you.
But I got the information! I know.
You're my lobster, Lou-boo.
I'm going to remember this, Sun.
That's okay, because I gonna forget it.
And forgetting is more important than remembering.
We got the thief.
Check your inbox.
This guy wants to set up.
He wants to play.
What the fuck is going on, huh!? Who the fuck gets on the phone in the middle of a take? - It was an important call.
- Now we're in overtime.
Do you know how much an hour costs? - I bet you do! - What's that supposed to mean? You're paying for all this yourself, and we know you're running out of money.
That's why you're holding Doug Patterson for ransom, right? Right.
Right.
The hack actor who stole my girlfriend.
- Girlfriend? - Yeah, her, my ex-girlfriend.
Oh, you you mean Stacy? Mm-hmm.
Look, I make bad horror films.
But I'm not a criminal.
When you find him, let him know that I got the douchebag's ballcap he left in my car couple of nights ago.
- He was in your car? - Yeah, with her.
That's how I found out.
- She was driving his car.
- Yeah.
You might also ask why she doesn't seem too worried that her boyfriend is missing, huh? Wow, you did this so quickly.
It was easy, once we put a tail on Stacy, she led us straight to the hotel where we found your Doug.
Stacy Mayfield, my God! So the good news is your husband isn't kidnapped.
No, he's extorting me for a 150 thou so he can run off with the star of "Kung Fu Kitty.
" Yeah, I don't know about you, but those movies are completely ruined for me.
You have to separate the art from the artist.
Right? When do you think they're leaving? Well, your husband is wrapped already.
But Stacy's last day on this film is tomorrow.
Then I suppose I'll have to get my revenge in before then, right, gentlemen? I'm sorry, we're not in the revenge business.
- Do not you want to get that guy? - Yes, but this is not our policy.
Do it for the Condo Queen! Uh, look, look, you dicks just saved me a chilly 150 Gs.
I think I can make it worth your while.
We'll take you home Or We'll get it Dunn So that's the guy who stole my cousin? - Mm-hm.
His name's Andrew.
- Ugh.
- Oh.
- What are you I gotta get in character.
What are you kid Will you just go already? She's serious.
Mm-hmm.
I hope she can do this.
If anyone can, she can.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm the one who call you - about the vase.
- Oh, it's it's an urn.
That's what I said, vase.
Can I see it? Sure.
May I? Oh.
Oh, that's it! - How much? - Thousand.
- Go! - Oh, my God, look at her go.
I got it! I got it! Oh!! Stop! You see this girl? Her cousin in this vase.
- It's called an urn, Sun.
- Whatever.
- We know you stole it.
- Oh, fine.
And if you don't turn around right now and walk the fuck away, we'll be the last voices you ever hear.
Take it easy.
How about 200? - Why - You son of a bitch! I want to thank you for doing this for us.
- "Us"? - Me and Francis.
I mean, we couldn't have done it by ourselves.
If you want, we throw in free whoop-ass - of that Andrew guy.
- Really? We're just glad you got Francis back.
I get what it's like needing to finish something you started.
Right.
Like closure, man.
So I guess it's off to San Diego, right? Totally, I'm gonna spend some quality time with Francis, and then I'm gonna scatter her into the ocean.
It's gonna be real pretty.
You know, I'm gonna sing a song.
- And I'll probably buy, like, a hot dog - Oh, my God, you guys, This is the restaurant Brad was gonna take me to.
And there's his car.
Brad? Oh, my God, Brad! Hi! I'm so happy to see you.
We've been out investigating this crazy case.
And it's been totally nuts, but, hell, we cracked it.
So yay, us.
But this is great.
I-I know we missed lunch.
But, I mean, how about dinner? Sorry, babe, the line at the bar was nuts.
Honey, who's this? Oh, uh, sorry, I'm Sarah.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too, Sarah.
I'm Mrs.
Lawrence, Brad's wife.
Huh.
Is Sarah a friend of yours? We just met.
I've never seen her before in my life.
What a coincidence.
I'm seeing you for the first time today, too.
- I say we kill him! - Sun, just keep walking.
Think on this, babe, in just about no time, you and I will be chillin' like Bob Dylan on the beach in Croatia.
Oh, my God, do you really think she's gonna pay it? Oh, of course she is.
That's how much she loves me.
- Oh! Wait.
- Mm.
I didn't know Bob Dylan went to Croatia.
Fun! Oh, get over here, you gorgeous dingbat.
Room service! I didn't know we ordered room service, did we, babe? Oh, when we heard Stacy Mayfield was here, we wanted to send this right up, compliments of the house.
Oh! Oh, Jamie! You are so busted, Doug! Did you really think that I'd pony up $150,000 of my hard-earned cash? It's not like you don't have it! And do you always have to remind me that you make more money than me, hmm? - It's rude.
- Oh, really? So is that why you're gonna run off with some cut-rate hoe-bag has-been? - Hey! - Turn me around! Oh, that's right.
I said "has-been.
" "Kung Fu Kitty 4" sucked out loud, and everyone knows it.
Turn me back around! Oh, and that shit ransom video you two made.
What'd you think, I was some kind of idiot? Yeah, well, I don't think this whole head-on-a-plate thing - was a good idea, either.
- Agreed.
Yeah, we're new at revenge.
Oh, this is the P.
I.
I hired.
He's Swedish.
Um, Jamie, I'm sorry.
God damn right you're sorry! You're looking at felony extortion, sport! Ingmar! That's the other P.
I.
I hired.
Also Swedish.
I'll take you home We'll get it Dunn That whole thing with my ex Brandon was so weird, you know? That's the way it usually is with exes.
I used to have one that sent me a cactus every year on Midsummer's Eve until I told her to stop.
Yeah, he was all, you know, "I've moved on.
" And then I did exactly what you suggested, and it was perfect advice.
Well, I do excel at good advice.
You know, I was once voted "Most Likely to Give Good Advice" in my high school.
That, and "Best Cheekbones" for some reason.
Did you know that? He's, like, texting me all the time now.
It's like he's in love with me again.
Isn't that cray? That is cray.
What are you going to do? I'm gonna kill him with kindness.
I'm gonna do what you said.
It was good advice.
- Mm.
- Yeah, look what I just said.
Oh yeah.
That's a big compliment.
That's a big compliment.
"You have giant muscles.
" Good and, you know, bad It's so bitter, the tea.