Tacoma FD (2019) s01e10 Episode Script

1 Eddie! Eddie! Penisi! Where are you? Eddie! Oh, no.
Eddie! [GRUNTS.]
I found Penisi.
He's down.
Looks like the ceiling fell on him.
MAN: You rookies are a pain in my ass.
Get him up fast, McConky.
The fire's spreading.
All right, come on, Eddie.
Let's go.
[GRUNTS.]
Damn, you're heavy! Aah! [POP.]
Boom.
And there you have it, folks.
That was the moment I popped my left nut.
Ew.
Ouch.
22 years ago today.
Do we have any audio on that? Like, d-did it actually make a popping sound? - Yeah, it sounded like this.
[POPS.]
- [ALL GROAN.]
I still hear that sound in my dreams.
Oh, whatever.
It doesn't make a popping sound.
That's an old wives' tale.
Mm.
I don't know.
I think an old wife would be the last person to know what a popping nut sounds like.
- [LAUGHS.]
Know what I mean? - Yeah, well, thanks to Eddie, I was never able to have a son.
Hey! What is that supposed to mean? The nut I popped was my boy nut.
ANDY: Wait a minute, Chief.
So you think one nut is filled with boy sperm and the other nut is filled with girl sperm? Yeah, the nut that hangs lower is the boy nut.
That's the one I popped.
Thus, the three daughters.
Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, Chief, a boy is made when a sperm with a Y chromosome fertilizes the egg.
A girl is made when a sperm with an X chromosome fertilizes an egg.
Exactly.
My left nut had all the Y chromosomes.
"My Left Nut" a terrific Daniel Day-Lewis film.
Hey, you guys, we only need to focus on the one ball that matters football.
- Yeah! - Oh! And we need to celebrate our team going to the big game! - Go Seattle! - Sports! Yeah, Super Bowl! Sports AF! [ALL CHEERING.]
[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED" PLAYS.]
Well, I'm hot blooded Check it and see I'm hot blooded ANNOUNCER: And today is the day.
We're an hour away from kickoff, and you can only wonder what is going through the minds Why are you even trying to record it? You know we're gonna watch it live, right? I'm so sick of getting called out and missing half the game, all right? Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest paramedic day of the year people having heart attacks, choking on wings.
Dude, just for once for once especially with Seattle playing, I want to see the whole game.
But how are we gonna avoid knowing what the score is when we're out in public? Somebody tells me the score, I'ma zap them with my defib paddles.
[WHISPERS.]
Have you ever done it before? Yeah, I murdered like three people doing that.
TERRY: All right, listen up here, guys.
Listen up.
Just in case any of you were thinking about snorting crank for the big shindig today, I just got word we're getting drug tested on Tuesday.
Hey, Chief, do steroids count? Just asking for a friend named Ike Crystal.
"Oh, does, uh, propecia count? Just asking for an idiot.
" - Oh.
- Oh, no.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Regardless, I know weed is legal out there, but under my roof, punishable by death.
Didn't we used to call you Cheech McConky? Ha.
Funny.
I never touched the stuff.
I wouldn't want to mess with my lightning-fast reaction time.
Oh! Think fast.
LUCY: Oh! [LAUGHS.]
I'm so sorry, Chief.
I'm so sorry.
- Ike, damn it! - I'm so sorry! I know! - No ball in here.
- I know, but I thought I thought you were ready.
- You can't do that to the chief.
- No, I know.
I thought you had quick reflexes.
Ike, go sit in the corner.
- Sit in the corner! - No, I'm so sorry.
Andy, I am so screwed.
I went to a party on Friday night, and I ate a brownie.
Turns out it had weed in it.
You had no idea? None.
[BUBBLING.]
Ahh! [CHUCKLING.]
Ooh! Man, that's smooth.
Hey, is there a lot of pot in those brownies? Tons.
I can't move my arms.
[CHUCKLES.]
Snap! Then I better just have two.
Mmm! [CHOMPS.]
Did you freak when you found out? Uh, yeah, I was super-upset.
And then they carried me out of the strip club.
[LAUGHTER.]
My dad and my uncle were there.
If I test positive on this, my dad is going to kill me.
Yeah.
He's gonna go berserk.
Ooh, I might need to get high for that.
Chief, that was a bad one, okay? You weren't ready.
- That was totally my fault.
- Okay.
- Go long.
Ready? - Don't, I just.
No, don't - Oh! - I'm so sorry! - I thought you were ready! - Listen.
- You were looking right at me.
- No game for you.
- No party for you.
- No, Chief! No party! Yeah, so, if you could be the most amazing little sister in the world and pee in a cup and not tell Mom and Dad, I'll do your geometry homework for a month.
You did what last weekend? Ugh! Dude, put your little sister on the phone.
- Are you sucking on pennies? - Maybe.
You look like a slot machine.
You know, sucking on pennies is just to beat the breathalyzer.
Yeah, I know, but I got to cover all my bases.
I cannot fail this test.
You're so screwed.
Maybe you can look online to find different ways to beat a drug test.
You know, cranberry juice is for a UTI, so that's not gonna work.
Yeah, I know.
Oh TERRY: Game time, come on! - Ugh.
- Don't judge me.
- Yeah, come on, Seattle.
Let's go.
- Yeah, baby.
Hey, guys, the rain stopped.
Bring on the fires, right? [LAUGHS.]
- Why would you say that? - I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
All right.
Kicks! He's lightening fast! - Yeah! That's a good sign.
- I like it.
Hey, Eddie, since this is the 22nd anniversary of me rescuing you, why don't you go fix me a plate of food? Oh, yeah, I got your plate right here.
You should be happy to do it.
You're living on borrowed time thanks to me.
- Really? - Every cooking contest you lose, every time you get your asshole waxed, every police captain's wife you have sex with - They were separated - every 73-year-old woman's hip you break doing missionary bufu She said she was dying.
every time you say, "I'm Eddie Penisi" Well, I am Eddie Penisi.
- all thanks to me.
- Hey, guys.
Can you respectfully stop bickering until the game is over? Yeah, I can stop bickering if this guy shuts up.
- Okay.
- And here we go! - Here we go.
- Here we go.
Simmons gets it at the Seattle 2, and here he comes! - Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! - Oh, nice! He's at the 20, the 30, and all the way past midfield! [ALL CHEERING.]
[ALARM BLARING.]
WOMAN: Station 24, all units, structure fire.
- Repeat structure fire.
- No! Why would a fire start when the rain stops?! [GROANS.]
[BLARING CONTINUES.]
Hey, Granny, don't worry.
We can watch the game on my phone.
No, man! Listen, we're DVRing the game, okay? No one watches, no updates, nothing.
And I'm turning off all devices so we don't find out the score.
I second that one.
I'm surprised you're even coming, Chief.
Shouldn't you be staying behind to do inventory? Maybe you can count how many testicles you got left.
- Oh! - Oh! Yeah, I figured I'd come along in case you needed someone to save your life.
- Whoa! - Whoa-ho-ho! Good one, Chief.
[SIREN WAILING.]
[FIRE TRUCK HORN BLARES.]
Car one on the scene.
We have a two-story commercial structure.
There's a working fire.
Car one in command.
[BRAKES SQUEAL, HISS.]
Is that what I think it is? It is if you think it's a weed dispensary.
I'm getting hungry just looking at it.
What do we got? Let's use the attack line off the rear step.
- Andy.
- Got it, Cap.
And try not to lose consciousness in there, Cap.
Oh, okay, have fun doing nothing outside.
Try to make some friends.
I forget what snippy, little bitches they turn into on their pop-nutaversary.
Hey, Lucy, you make the hydrant.
You're pumping this job.
All right, boys, let's go to work.
Let's go.
[ALARM BLARING.]
Hey, Andy, they have this urine detox product in these dispensaries.
It's called Urine Da Money.
Will you grab me some? Yeah, I'll put it on the top of my list when I get in there.
Wait, really? Go! ANNOUNCER: And Pittsburgh has answered back beautifully to Seattle's opening touchdown.
And that's the end of the first quarter score Seattle! - Whoa! - What the hell are you doing? The TV, it was gonna explode from the, uh, the heat.
- Come on, man.
- Come on, let's keep going.
Keep going.
Nobody smashes any more TVs.
Come on.
[BLARING CONTINUES.]
Ike, you and Granny take that back room.
Andy, go with them.
I'll take the nozzle.
Here we go.
[WATER RUSHES.]
Get lit, get lit Do you think magicians' doves are happy? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
I wish I had a horse.
Hey, it's Voltron.
[LAUGHING.]
No, we're not Voltron, pal.
We're firefighters.
We're here to get you out.
- Come on, let's go.
- What? No, man, we're good.
This is, like, a dope AF hotbox.
Well, it's about to get really hot in here when this is on fire, so let's go.
But how do I know you guys are who you say you are? I just said it! We're firefighters! But how do I know the building is actually on fire? Do you hear that smoke alarm? - What's it sound like? - Are you kidding me? Listen! It's going right now! [IMITATES SMOKE ALARM.]
I'm not getting it.
Are you getting it? Give me another one.
You do it.
Whee-ooh, whee-ooh, whee-ooh.
- No.
- Whee-ooh, whee-ooh, whee-ooh.
That's it.
Maybe all three of you.
- All three of you.
- [ALL IMITATING FIRE ALARM.]
- Do you not hear that? - You can't hear that? GRANNY: Whee-ooh, whee-ooh, whee-ooh.
- That's EDM! That's some good EDM! - All right.
Come with me.
Let's go.
Get up.
Get your ass off the couch.
Myawani, you okay? My mask malfunctioned.
- Here, pal, use mine.
- You know what? Huh.
I can I can breathe okay out here.
- [INHALES DEEPLY.]
- Yeah.
I'm good.
- I'm good.
- Granny? [INHALES DEEPLY, COUGHS.]
No Here, use mine.
- Is yours okay? - No, no.
I'm good.
- You want to use mine? - No, no, I'm good.
- Thank you, Granny, but I'm good.
- You sure? - I think we're okay, fellas.
- Yeah.
Sure.
[COUGHS.]
ALL: Whee-ooh, whee-ooh, whee-ooh.
Whee-ooh, whee-ooh, whee-ooh.
- Yo! - Super-bright.
Ah, the building really is on fire.
See, I thought it was a drill.
You should've said something.
That's literally all I said was the building we're trying to get you out, the building's on fire.
Oh, man, we got the rest of the people out.
Hey, what happened to your masks? - What's that? - What happened to your masks? Oh, uh, Andy lost his, and then, uh, I-I-I borrowed him mine.
Then, of course, I didn't have one.
And then Granny [LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHING.]
Granny [LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Because Granny [LAUGHING.]
Are you guys stoned right now? No.
I'm high as a bat.
I'm gonna fail the shit out of that drug test, though.
TERRY:Myawani, I need you back in here.
Copy, Cap.
- Yeah.
- Let me get that mask.
- Yeah, of course.
- Thank you.
This is my chance.
Hey, Lucy, where the hell are you going? Uh, uh, fire's almost out.
I'm gonna go check the heat levels inside.
No, there's smoke in there.
You can't go in there without a mask.
I'll get my mask.
You know you're supposed to be on the truck.
Let's go.
Copy that, Chief.
[CHUCKLES.]
And Seattle scores! Seattle just ran an interception back for a touchdown! - Yeah! - Yes! 14-7, Seattle.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Listen to me, citizens, okay? I'm gonna need all of your cellphones inside of this bag, all right? All your cellphones, tablets, any other devices.
It's an order from the fire commissioner.
Come on.
Mobile devices have been exploding spontaneously around burning buildings.
It's a scientific fact.
Look it up.
Well, you can't 'cause I got your phones now, so You'll get them back once we've contained all of this, okay? [LAUGHS.]
[SLURRING WORDS.]
Oh, my God! My baby! Ma'am, step away from that building.
My baby! My baby's inside! I'll go.
I'll go.
You have to save my baby! Come back.
Andy, hold it steady.
Get back there.
Man, this fire's growing.
Huh? "My Baby?" Oh, come on.
You got to be kidding me.
Stupid stoners.
- Aah! Aah! - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Hey, Cap, have you ever had European chocolate before? Uh, probably.
Why? I find it more perfumy than the American stuff.
- Would you agree with me? - What the hell are you talking about? I don't know, man.
I'm stoned.
[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH.]
- Hey, whoa, whoa.
- What? - Hey, what's going on? - Wh What happened? What happened to the water? Lucy, where's the water? I don't know.
We lost pressure.
I should probably come inside.
No, just find out what happened to the water.
Oh, going through the halftime flush, huh? - The The what? - You know, the halftime flush.
Halftime on Super Sunday is the single biggest flush of the year.
Water pressure drops all around the city.
Man, it's, like, scientific.
Captain, it's the halftime flush.
All right, we're coming out.
This fire's already flaring back up.
I remember you said you had a juice box.
You still have them? Lucy, where's the water pressure? I don't know.
Ooh.
It's not on yet.
Hey, halftime's still going.
- Andy! - Rainbow Juice just hit the stage.
Rainbow Juice? What the hell's Rainbow Juice? You don't know who Rainbow Juice is? They're, like, the hottest girl band out of Tasmania.
Come on.
They even sing that song.
[OFF-KEY.]
Oh, we're not all animals We're not all animals Ooh, look! Steven Tyler just hit the stage.
This is gonna really happen.
I love her.
Chief, the water pressure's still down, and the tank's empty.
What do you want to do? Oh, Granny, Granny Chief, you there? Chief? Is the chief a bigger fellow? Looks like a pumpkin on popsicle sticks? Yes, that's exactly right.
He ran into the building.
Terry, you there? Andy, we're going back.
To the station? Oh, I think it's irresponsible for us to leave now.
- Just come with me.
- Okay.
Chief! Chief! Terry! There he is.
All right, on three.
One, two, three.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
Make a clear path outside and get the paramedics ready.
- I'll bring him out.
- Copy, Cap.
Damn, you are heavy.
Aah! - [POP.]
- Oh, my nut! Ooh! It really does make a popping sound.
Huh? Huh? I hope you're happy, you top-heavy A-hole.
Eddie, save yourself.
I'm so high.
I'm too high to survive.
I'm very, very high.
Don't be stupid.
I got you.
I love you, Eddie, like a little brother.
Like a tiny brother, Eddie.
Jesus Christ, it's awkward enough without you saying my name twice.
I never told you this, but I'm really jealous of your mustache.
It's a really good mustache strong.
Well, it goes without saying, my mustache is awesome and yours sucks, but what are you gonna do? You've only got like 12 hair holes on your entire face.
[LAUGHS.]
It's so nice of you to say that.
You've got a good heart, you know that? - I love how you love cats.
- You know what? - You're almost too good of a man.
- Yep.
That'll be the name of my autobiography "Eddie Penisi Too Good of a Man.
" Oh, you know what, though? Of all the things that are fat on you, - I think your face is the fattest.
- Terry, all I know is I'm about to save your life and get a gigantic monkey off my back.
I'm the monkey.
Consider us even, you nutless mother Aah! [BOTH GRUNT.]
LUCY: Cap? Cap, you all right in there? [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[GRUNTS.]
- Oh! - Chief! Chief! Oh, man! Holy shit.
I saved your life, my dude.
What? No.
I saved you.
We are even.
No, maybe not.
I carried you out of a burning building.
I saved your life twice, and they all took pictures of it! - [LAUGHING.]
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING.]
- Whoo-hoo! Whoo! - No, no, no.
I found you unconscious inside that building, and I carried you all the way to the front door.
- I have a witness.
- That's bullshit.
- Andy.
- What's up, Cap? We found Chief unconscious inside, - and I carried him out, right? - When? Just now? I don't remember anything.
[LAUGHS.]
Eat it, Penisi.
I saved your life twice, and there's nothing you can do about it.
No, no, no, no.
I popped a nut.
Oh, you wish you popped a nut.
Goddamn it, I could go for some bread pudding right now.
Anybody else in the mood for bread pudding? I do! Raise my hand! No, but I would punch a cat in the asshole for some Taco Bell.
Oh, you think they make bread pudding at Taco Bell? If they did, it would be called pudito breadito.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Pudito breadito! I'd eat the shit out of that.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Okay, you know what? I am officially stoned, and I think I like it.
Well, good.
I like you stoned, too.
All right, but who's gonna drive the engine? Lucy can do it.
She never went inside, so she's not high.
No can do, El Capitan.
Sorry.
Can't do it.
You see that smoke billowing out of there? Ugh, secondhand smoke.
I just got caught the gnarliest buzz, and I'm just faded AF.
[LAUGHS.]
It's all so baffling.
I don't know.
- Really? - Really.
Maybe I can drive.
- Shut up.
- Ike, you okay to drive? Not a chance.
[LAUGHTER.]
Why are we laughing? Think about this one.
Every single person at one time was the youngest person on Earth.
[LAUGHS.]
Whoa.
Right? [LAUGHS.]
Right? Yo, that just blew my mind, man.
- That's deep.
- I know.
I know.
Hey, you know what's great? I still don't know anything about the game.
Ah, that's good! Man, best game in history.
Hey, man, you don't have to talk - about it.
- Why not? It was epic, dude.
Well, I'm DVRing it right now, so I hate guys like you.
I'm sorry, but I do.
You DVR the game, and then no one can talk about it.
And everybody knows, and the whole city's going bananas.
- Whoa, whoa.
- "Oh, I DVR'd the game.
Nobody say anything.
" Well, guess what? - The final score - No, no, no.
Stop! Stop! - was Seattle, 49 to 48.
- Please, I beg you! No, no, no! Yeah, that's right.
Seattle won.
It all turned around in the fourth quarter - after they were down by 5 - What are you doing? - No, no.
What are you doing? - Clear, bitch! - Hang on! - Aah! Holy shit! [LAUGHS.]
That's the best part about being a paramedic.
- You can do shit like that.
- Okay.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Mmm, mmm, mmm! [CHOMPING.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Mmm! [GULPS.]
Goddamn.
A $500 Miller at a two-Michelin-star restaurant ain't got nothing on this pudding, man.
I don't know what a Michelin restaurant is, but it is good.
Yeah! Stoned AF! Hey, remember when that stoned kid called 911 because Dimpus Burger was out of the Nifty meals? [LAUGHTER.]
That kid That kid painted That kid painted his dog blue and made it look for clues for the missing Nifty meals.
[LAUGHTER.]
Was that the same kid?! That was the same kid! [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, man! - Oh, man! High AF in here.
[LAUGHING.]
What? I can feel you looking at me.
Oh, you are not fooling me, young lady.
You are not stoned.
What? I'm so stoned right now.
Oh, please.
You think I don't know what a person not on drugs looks like? Fine, but please don't tell Dad I'm not high.
[SIGHS.]
All right, just this once.
But don't let it happen again.
Oh, thank you, Mom.
You're the best.
Cap, how's the popped nut? Oh, the popped nut is delicious.
I highly recommend it.
[LAUGHTER.]
Regarding its companion, the still active nut, I must say, it is strange to know that I'll only be operating on one nut from now on.
But I did save Chief's life, making us even.
No, please.
If you ever decide to have kids and we find out it's your girl nut that survived, then we'll be even.
Wait, whoa, whoa.
What does that mean? Y'all ready for this? It means I hope his popped nut is the one that holds all the Y chromosomes so he only has daughters.
Uh, honey, sweetheart, it doesn't work that way.
Yes, it does.
You're a nurse.
You should know that.
What, so you think, uh, one testicle has the Y sperm and the other testicle has the X sperm? - Uh, yeah.
- It does.
[LAUGHS.]
He's a [BLEEP.]
idiot.
[LAUGHING.]
Both of you guys are idiots.
What other explanation is there for why I only have daughters? Actually, you know, uh, boys are made when the wife has an orgasm during conception.
And, uh, girls are made when they don't.
Oh! [LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHTER STOPS.]
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Hey, you guys, I am having the time of my life.
Nothing can bring me down.
Eddie Penisi.
Lola, what are you doing here? I'm pregnant.
I'm glad I'm not Eddie Penisi.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oop! Time to go.
[LAUGHTER.]
All right, Cap.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Ma'am.
Whoo! Now, let's talk about buying a house.
Oh, God, I am having a panic attack.
Does anyone remember where their rooms are? - Yeah.
- Oh, I know where Andy's is.
- LUCY: I do.
- I thought you were stoned.
I am.
I'm totally stoned.
I'm room 420.
ANDY: Oh! Party in the probie's room! Party AF! No, Dad.
Wow.
Do you guys know how [LAUGHS.]
You okay? Just don't go "meh" before you do it.
Guys, I'll be on the roof keeping lookout, okay? If anything happens, okay, I'm gonna call down.
I'll say, "Meh, what's going on?!" Okay? That's good, 'cause I don't like getting my dick tapped.
Good, then I won't tap that dick 'cause I wouldn't know where to find it in the first place.
Oh, you should check your mom's ass, 'cause that's where it is.
You son of a [BLEEP.]
bitch.
MAN: All right, all right, all right.
No updates, no nothing.
And we Why am I taking my pants off? All right.
Stay there, stay there.
Well, a drinking danger is Sorry.
[LAUGHTER.]
Good, 'cause I don't like getting my dick tapped.
I wouldn't know how to tap it.
It's so hard to find.
Oh, yeah? You'll find it in your mom's ass.
Something that small can't go in that tight hole.
[LAUGHTER.]
You're not gonna scare me, okay? I'm a man grown, I'm not some little bouncing baby boy - you can scare - Whoa! Oh! Ah, shit! [LAUGHS.]
You okay? Thanks.
Why don't - Thanks.
Thanks.
- Thanks.
Canyon Breeze weighing in or weighing out with the gr [LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.]
Somehow, she got word that you guys are trying to get some nudity into this new concept of yours.
She has called off But, Chief MAN: There it is again.
But, Chief, she's a girl.
[LAUGHTER.]
[ALL CHEERING.]
Come here.
Come here.
Bring it in.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]