Tacoma FD (2019) s02e01 Episode Script


Calm down. Just calm down.
He's fine. Just breathe.
He's having an anxiety attack.
Sir! I need you to look at me.
And breathe, all right?
Ma'am, what caused the attack?
He couldn't get out of the room.
Let's get him out of here.
- Door's locked.
- Of course it is.
This is an escape room.
I got nothing.
Okay, there must be, like,
a hidden camera here
or something, right?
Open this door! Tacoma FD!
This one's locked, too.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo.
- Open the door now!
I know you can see us! Open up!
Jesus, son of a Nah,
that's not a camera.
Well, maybe we can solve
the final clues quickly,
and the doors will open.
All right. Well, what was the last clue?
"I'm tallest when I'm young
and shortest when I'm old."
- [SNAPS FINGERS] Benjamin Button!
- Mm.
Oh, a candle! A candle gets shorter.
- No.
- Bear with me.
- Who's the 34th president?
- Clinton.
- Hoover.
- Eisenhower's the 34th.
- How do you know that?
- My gram-gram named me after him.
B. Eisenhower.
- Just Ike.
- B. Ike
- Bike bike, bike!
- Bike, yeah.
Oh, yeah, here it is. Look at that.
Hey, Probie. Ride this thing.
But of course.
Here we go. Come on.
Really go, Lucy!
Go faster.
- L.
- Hey!
M. X.
- Come on, Lucy.
- Come on.
Climax! We all need to climax together!
- No.
- Wait. Those aren't letters.
- Yeah, they are.
- They're roman numerals!
Man, fuck this.
Granny, that's nice work.
What in the hell are you doing?
- Escaping.
- That's my wall!
- Oh, shit.
Here's Andy.
- Hey, guys.
- That's an entrance.
Hey, Chief.
Did you know this was an escape room?
- Yeah, we figured it out.
- Yeah, we do now.
- I'm having a panic attack.
- Somebody help this guy.
Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
I'm hot-blooded ♪
- With selflessness and courage,
Chief Terrence McConky saved
the life of his colleague,
Captain Edward Penisi Jr.,
in the Great Marijuana
Dispensary Fire of 2019.
Talk about saving a bud.
Next, for bravery cracking
the Tacoma High AV Heist,
I recognize Police
Captain Gerald Polonsky.
- Pretty nice, huh?
- Yeah.
Funny that you don't
remember what you did
to earn this award.
- I remember what I did.
It'd be funnier if it was
in the shape of a bong.
What do you know about bongs?
We're gonna do a photo op
with all the recipients.
- Congrats, Jerry.
- Back at ya, Terry.
Hey. Harry, congratulations again
on your award, my friend Come here.
- Okay.
- Come here.
- Oh, are we?
- Yeah, we're doing it.
Okay, great.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Okay.
- Be proud of yourself.
- Thank you.
Hello, Lola.
Oh, do you two know each other?
We used to be married.
- Oops.
- Yeah.
Uh, funny story. She was cheating on me
with him while we were married, so
Okay, I'm gonna
just, uh, go over there
and wait for the photo.
That's great.
So, Lola, tell me.
When is the jackal due?
- Any day now. Thanks.
- Ah
Oh, that's fantastic.
I know that you and Freddie Mercury here
will be very happy together forever!
At least someone was
able to put a baby in me.
- Oof.
- Yeesh.
Great to see you, Jerry.
Congrats on the award.
Great to see you, Jerry.
What's wrong with you?
Terry, I am in such a fantastic place.
- With Polonsky?
- Do you see this magic?
This is life. This has changed me.
Edward Penisi III doesn't want
his dad wallowing in pettiness.
Edward Penisi III?
Yeah, or Trey, as I will call him.
Terry, family's important. We're blood.
- I'm your brother-in-law.
- Exactly.
And you and my sister gave
me these beautiful nieces.
Now it's my turn. And I'm gonna
give you a strong, virile nephew.
I thought you were gonna
wait to find out the sex.
We are, but your mom shared
some medical knowledge with me
the night that Terry saved my life.
Boys are made when a woman has
an orgasm during conception.
No offense.
After that evening,
I was expecting quadruplet boys.
- You're the best, Lola.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
Who wants froyo?
- Yeah, sounds good. Girls?
- Let's do it. Come on.
Oh, here's one in the first race.
Check this out. Burning Sensation.
Any horse with a name
like that is a winner.
I'm not so sure your "name of the horse"
method is sound.
Uh, I won with Flammable Lector.
Okay? [LAUGHS]
That name was a sign.
Ike, you know
the horse's name has no bearing
on its performance, right?
Oh, here's one in the third race.
Cherry Oats of Fire. [LAUGHS]
Come on!
Goodness gracious. I'm betting on it.
- Happy payday, everyone.
- Hey!
Don't gamble it all in one place, hey.
Money won is sweeter than money earned.
You said it.
I'm gonna buy more boxes
in the baby pool.
- Yes.
- You got it.
So we got date of birth.
Couple other fun ones.
I want March 28th. Ooh, and webbed feet.
Uh, let me do third nipple.
Club feet and circumcised.
You people are wasting your
money on these exotic bets.
This kid's gonna be perfect.
- Yeah.
- No, of course.
- We'll take your word for it.
Can you add circumcised
on there for him?
Well, we've gone over the $5,000 mark!
I'm about to win some
money off of a baby.
Dear Trey,
I'm writing this journal
so you'll have guidance
on your path to becoming a man.
I've learned many things
in my 40-plus years.
I now pass that knowledge to you.
fake breasts.
Some will tell you they're unappealing.
But I find them to be fantastic.
He's gonna break though. A pitch back!
Take that, bitch!
You're getting tired of
getting your ass kicked, huh?
You want to take a break?
You want to take a break?
- Here we go.
- Oh, wait.
- Wait, my My controller. Come on.
- Yes, touchdown!
Pleasure doing business with you.
- Double or nothing.
- Yeah, all right, all right.
Come on, come on, come on.
Who's up for a little meatball roulette?
- Oh, yes, yes, yes.
- Meatball roulette?
What's meatball roulette?
Cooked into one of the
meatballs is a ghost pepper.
So, you buy in. You chew it up.
And then the winner gets the pot.
- How do you know if you got it?
- Trust me. You'll know.
The money is the
consolation for the pain.
In my day, we cooked
a nail into the meatball.
- You in, Chief?
- Yeah, what the heck?
[CHUCKLES] All right.
20 bucks in the pot, please.
Thank you, Chief.
- On my call, ready?
- Yeah.
Three, two, one, eat.
- Nope. Not that one.
- Think I'm good.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I think we got a winner.
ALL: No, no, no, no.
You can't drink. You can't drink.
If you drink, it's all null and void.
And you have to finish
the whole meatball.
You have to eat the whole
meatball to win the money.
- Sorry.
- But there's no crying in meatball.
Nice work.
- Can I have water now?
- Yeah, drink the water.
Only milk is gonna help.
Lucy is on a winning streak of one.
You could say I'm on fire.
- Hey, any more meatballs?
- Plenty more.
Is that the biggest one?
Is that the biggest one?
- You know what? It is.
- Okay.
Let's go over here so I
can win my money back.
Oh, you guys gonna play
some more video games?
Is that what you're gonna do? [CHUCKLES]
In my day,
we didn't play these stupid games.
On payday, we sat around this table,
and we played a good
old-fashioned game of poker.
Why don't you put your
money where your mouth is?
- Let's play.
- I don't like taking your money.
You made me pay rent when I was 16.
Nobody likes a freeloader, Lucy.
Well, now's my chance to win it back!
- Are you guys in?
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Let's do it.
- All right.
- I'm gonna go get Cap.
- We don't need him.
We've got a good number
right here five.
He's gonna want to play.
Yeah, why not? The whole station.
You gonna eat that?
Uh, no, I wasn't gonna.
You're not even halfway
through your first
- Well, you know
- Okay.
the hardest I ever laughed
was the time I met a Dutch
fellow whose name was
So just know, windmills and clogs
aren't the only funny things in Holland.
Cap? Oh.
- You're up there.
- Yeah.
Hey, we're about
to start a game of poker.
No, thanks, Luce.
Gambling's not really
high on my list anymore.
You'll understand one
day when you have kids.
You don't have kids yet.
Someday you'll get it.
Just wanted to extend the invite.
Hey, Luce. Little fatherly advice.
Be careful gambling with these guys.
They can be pretty cutthroat.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm gonna fleece all of them,
including my dad.
Your dad sucks at gambling.
I bet he didn't want to invite me.
- Wait, how did you know that?
- Well, he can't beat me.
See, over the years,
I've discovered that your dad
has several tells.
Can you tell them to me?
When your dad gets good cards
and he sees them for the first time,
his eyes pop out of his head like this.
And when he's bluffing,
he plants his tongue
firmly in his cheek, like so.
Awesome. Thank you.
Use those tips judiciously.
You abuse them,
you poke the bear and ruin everything.
- You got it?
- Don't you worry.
I don't poke bears.
We got ourselves a ringer!
- Lucy wins again.
- All right, just deal.
- Hey, ante up, everybody.
- For real, man.
You produced yourself a
talented little gambler.
Must've come from the Penisi side.
- Maybe the little part.
All right, all right, all right.
Okay, okay. That's me, right?
I'm gonna go ahead and check.
- I, too, will check.
- I'm gonna go for 50.
- Fold.
- Yeah, I'll fold, too.
Yeah, I'm also gonna fold.
We didn't even do the flop yet.
We're just following
the hot hand, Chief.
Come on! Look at this!
- Don't show us.
- That's a cocky move, my man.
Wait, so, Lucy, you think
you get your gambling prowess
from your Penisi side?
Yeah, that's why Chief doesn't want
- Uncle Eddie to play.
- Not true.
The McConkys have always
been legendary high rollers.
[CHUCKLES] Except you.
- Gotcha, Chief!
- Damn!
- Yeah!
- All right, you know what?
- No more table talk.
- Oh, come on.
That's part of the game, my man.
No more laughing either.
We can't laugh at the poker table?
- Yeah!
- Hey, Ike, try it and see.
- How about 100 in?
- 100, sure.
All right, let's see this flop.
Super-fun flop.
All right, you know what? I'm all-in.
- Ooh!
- Really?
Did you not see my hand from last time?
- Oh, yeah, I saw it.
- Fold.
Uh, yeah, I'm gonna fold.
- Let's see what you got.
- McConky verse McConky.
Two pair! Whoa, man!
Well done!
Wait, wait, wait. Chief,
what did you have?
- Don't worry about it.
- No, no, no! You gotta show.
Oh! He had a king high!
That's all he had! What a bluff!
All right, you know what?
This game's over.
It's over for you,
'cause you're out of chips.
No, no. This game's over for everyone.
And I'm not just talking
about this game, okay?
It's become clear to me
that gambling has run
rampant in the station.
For the benefit of everyone,
I am banning gambling indefinitely.
- Wait.
- We're firefighters!
- We gamble at life!
- Yeah!
Dad, you're being so dramatic.
It's Chief. Someday you'll thank me.
No more gambling!
Too bad. You were on a hot streak.
This hot streak ain't over
because we are not gonna stop gambling.
if a girl gets mad because
you never buy her flowers,
ask her, "Why do you hate
the environment so much?"
Then have sex outdoors.
Uh, why are you sitting like that?
It helps me think.
Hmm. You're still
working on that journal?
I wish my dad left me
this kind of wisdom.
Well, you could just ask him.
I mean, you see him every week.
I prefer a journal.
You're really taking this to heart.
You know I am.
I'm not even sleeping
in the nude anymore.
Wow. That's a big step.
I'm practicing wearing underwear in case
I have to save Trey-Trey
in the middle of the night.
You sleep nude in
the station every night.
Yeah, but now I'm a dad.
I get it, man. Being a father is hard.
Well, maybe for you, it is.
No, it's hard for everyone.
Yeah, well, when you have all girls.
Whatever kind of kid you have,
it's hard.
How would you know?
You have all daughters.
You have no idea what you're in for.
The one thing you've never been able
to handle in your life is commitment.
What do you mean
I can't handle commitment?
- I've been married twice.
- Exactly.
You can't go around cheating
when you have a kid.
I'm settled. I'm a changed man.
As a matter of fact
I want you to have my throwing stars.
To refuse would be a grave insult.
- Please take them.
- Okay.
They look good in your hands, Terry.
You know, maybe I misjudged you, Eddie.
- I'm proud of you, man.
- I'm proud of myself.
No matter what you do, girl,
I'm gonna beat you!
I can beat you with a sock,
with my hairbrush.
I'll beat you with
a loaf of bread. What's up?
Yeah, whatever. Let's just play again.
Nah, man. You down 200 bucks.
Yeah, but I'm still up overall.
Anyways, does anybody
think we should cool it
with the gambling until Chief relaxes?
Hard no. Double or nothing.
- Okay.
- Hello, everybody!
- Hey, hey!
[CLEARS THROAT] You guys playing a game?
- No.
- Yes.
Why are you using a shoe?
To keep it fun.
What's the score?
- 6-8.
- 5-4.
- Ah, man! Who knows?
- Yeah.
It's so hard to keep track of Ping-Pong.
- You better not be gambling.
- We're not gambling.
- How would you even
- You said one time,
never do it again.
- I'm keeping an eye on you.
- All right.
- I know, Chief.
- Yes, sir.
- We're not, Chief.
- Always. No gambling.
- Whoa.
- I didn't like that.
- That was so close.
- Not even!
I guarantee you we can bet
right under the Chief's nose
and he wouldn't even notice.
- Uh, I'm not so sure.
- Yeah, I don't know.
You want to bet?
Liability rules have changed.
Civilians are no longer
allowed on the fire pole.
I don't care who
you're trying to impress.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, Chief.
- Yes, Chief.
- Yes.
Next up, people are not crossing off
their completed assignments
on the assignment board.
If you do not cross off
your finished assignments,
we do not know they're finished.
- Do I make myself clear?
- BOTH: Yes, Chief.
Okay, overtime.
Overtime is available,
but all requests must go through me.
Do I make myself clear?
So, uh, Chief,
can I ask another shift for overtime?
Uh, no.
All overtime requests
must go through me.
Do I make myself clear?
One more quickie.
The request goes to whom?
All requests go across my desk.
Do I make myself clear?
- Crystal.
- What?
- Damn!
- Something wrong Lucy?
No, Chief. [CHUCKLES]
All right, everybody, that's it.
Have a great day.
Thank you, Chief!
You can't do that. You baited him.
Oh, I can, and I did.
Do I make myself clear? [CHUCKLES]
I'm gonna win that money back.
You haven't won anything
since Chief banned gambling.
Wow, Luce, you lost your whole paycheck.
I just got to get back to even.
- I'll be cool.
- Said every gambler ever.
Hang on a sec.
I think you need to take a
little break from gambling.
What are you talking about?
I've seen this look before
The sunken eyes,
the unquenchable thirst.
You got a problem.
If you're gonna ride the tiger,
you got to know when to jump off.
I'm not on a tiger.
Let me tell you a little story.
Years ago, there was a probie
who got in way over his head.
In fact, this guy got in so deep,
he bet the pink slip to his
car in a game of Acey Deucey,
and he lost.
That probie's name?
Terrance Leslie McConky.
- My dad?
- Yeah.
And I drove his car around for years.
That McConky didn't know when to quit.
Don't you be that McConky.
What's up? You wanted me?
Yeah, I wanted you to see something.
You know what this is, right?
That's the infamous
Eddie Penisi black book.
That's right.
The phone numbers of every single woman
I've ever dated, and I'm gonna toss it.
Huh, that's a pretty extensive database.
You sure you can part with it?
- It's time.
- Hmm.
[SIGHS] Okay.
What are you doing?
- That's weird.
- Just like a
No, I have
- Is this a bit?
- It doesn't want to go.
- Stop screwing around.
- No, I'm look!
Look at my hands. It doesn't want to go.
It doesn't want It just doesn't
There we go. I got it.
- I'm proud of you, Eddie.
- I feel better already.
- Good for you, pal.
- Terry, I'm gonna be a dad.
- Crazy!
- Terry, who's gonna be a dad?
- Eddie Penisi.
- That's right.
Hey, Terry! I'm gonna be a dad.
Excuse me, Chief. I wanted to plug
this extension cord
into the meeting room.
Uh, where are the outlets?
They're in the meeting room.
Okay. Um, oh, hey.
Don't you think they
should be called inlets
instead of outlets?
Bye, Ike.
I thought this would work for sure.
He didn't yell at all. Like, at all.
Y'all want Chief to yell? I got this.
- Get your money ready.
- Hey, Chief, I got a question.
- What's up?
I need to order more gauze and
I'm sorry.
Yo, T, what's up, man?
Ah, nah. I ain't doing nothing.
[LAUGHING] You so stupid.
Yeah. Yeah, I can pick up you, too.
Yo, what's your address?
- Really?
- 464. Yeah, I got it.
All right. Bye.
T is crazy. He funny, man.
He a funny dude.
Um, let me show you
this last text he sent me.
You know what, Granny?
Why don't you go outside
and finish talking to
and then come back and talk to me.
- No, wait, Chief
- Thank you, Granny.
- Hey, Chief.
Any chance that you
finished the string cheese?
What the goddamn hell?
I don't eat fucking string cheese!
I'm lactose intolerant!
I didn't realize it was
gonna happen that fast.
It's like a fuckin' clown car of idiots!
- Okay, sorry!
- I'm gonna lock that fucking door!
Ooh, guess who's on
a hot streak now, probie.
- Thank you.
- Congrats.
Hey, guys!
Cherry Oats of Fire won!
- What?
- He won!
I told you all I needed was a sign!
Everybody's winning except for Lucy.
Everybody's winning except Lucy ♪
BOTH: Everybody's
winning except Lucy ♪
BOTH: Everybody's
winning except Lucy ♪
Station 24, medical 42.
Elderly man in distress.
Hey, Granny, when you're back,
let's play Ping-Pong.
I-I got to climb out of my hole, man.
You still owe two Gs,
and that's a big nut.
Do you take credit card?
I'm kidding! You know I'm good for it.
Nobody's gonna take
a bet with you, Luce.
So just take a break.
- In the third race
All you need is a sign.
And they're off! Eddie's Bastard
is in the lead.
Hey, run, run, run, run, run, run, run!
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Come on, run you little bastard!
Oh, hey, it's gonna be tough
to catch Eddie's Bastard.
And here they come around the last turn.
Eddie's Bastard has this locked up.
Look out! Eddie's Bastard is down!
- What?
- The horses approach the finish.
Righteous Living takes the lead.
It's Righteous Living by a nose!
- No!
- Righteous Living wins!
And they are putting
Eddie's Bastard down!
Oh, my goodness! You hate to see that!
[SIGHS] It's okay.
You can still fix this.
There is still time to fix this.
Lola's in labor! The baby's coming!
Oh, no.
Lola Polonsky's room?
I'm, uh, the father.
Mr. Penisi? In here.
Oh, it's time!
Who's gonna make this money, y'all? ♪
Here we go, 5K baby, baby.
Lucy won date of birth.
Congrats, probie.
But there is a lot of money
riding on everything else.
- I said no more gambling.
- You said in the station.
Stop it, Terry. Baby pools are fun.
- This is bets.
- It's a boy.
- Ah!
- Man!
- Hey!
- Come on!
Lucy again.
Everyone said girl?
- Yeah, except Lucy.
- Time of birth, 4:14.
Wait, eight pounds, three ounces.
Lucy and Lucy? Are you kidding me?
Whoa, whoa, wait! Cap, Cap, Cap!
Can you tell us anything else?
I can tell you this.
this this is the best day of my life.
Today everything is gonna be different.
- I got to get a dog.
- What was that?
Mr. Penisi.
Lola would like to introduce
you to your new son.
- You want to come with me?
- Excuse me, nurse.
- Was there an epidural?
- Yeah, any extra fingers?
Testicle size, pea, peanut or walnut?
Pea size! Pea size!
- Baby pool?
- Yes.
- I got you.
- Walnut! Is it walnut?
You're gonna make a great dad.
I am so happy for you!
Damn, Lucy won every single box!
- What?
- Whoa, you did.
Every single thing. You won everything.
- Crushed it.
- Hell, yes!
Baby pools are the shit!
- Talk about a sore winner.
- Yes!
- Whoo!
- [GASPS] Oh!
Eddie! Oh, he's so beautiful!
Look at all that red hair.
Oh, that's weird, Cap,
'cause you don't have red hair.
Oh, you know who's got red hair?
Captain Polonsky.
He even looks like Polonsky.
Oh, my God. That's amazing, amazing.
Wait, wait, wait. You're happy?
It's not my baby.
What about the speech you just made
about how it changed your life?
Are you kidding me?
I wasn't ready to have a kid.
Anyone who believed I
could be a dad is an idiot.
If that's not Eddie Penisi's baby,
then this isn't Eddie
Penisi's baby pool.
That's right! I want my money back!
Well, hold hold on.
It's still a baby pool.
But it's not Eddie Penisi's baby pool.
Like look at the name
at top of this board.
- The bets are all moot.
- Yeah!
And they don't count anymore either.
All the bets except for
that little one down there.
[CHUCKLES] You got to be kidding me.
Oh! Did you know?
Not at all, but I always
like to hedge my bets.
Son of a bitch.
That makes me the only winner.
So hand over that money, probie.
But that's just one little bet!
He's right. The money's his.
- Uh, well, here's the thing.
- What did you do?
I bet the baby pool
money on a horse race,
and I lost it all.
You bet the baby pool money?
- What?
- After I banned gambling?
You're one to talk You lost your car
to Uncle Eddie when you were a probie!
What are you talking about?
I never lost my car to Eddie.
Okay, well, all the McConky's
are bad gamblers,
all Penisi's are known liars,
but my point was you got
to know when to quit.
You're in deep shit, probie!
There's gonna be hell to pay!
And there's gonna be me to pay.
Where is she?
Congratulations, Jerry.
You're a dad now.
Fuck off.
These are some life lessons
from me to your son.
I kind of feel like I know him
'cause I've been having
sex across his skull
for the last nine months.
I'll take that back.
All right, probie, how
you gonna pay me that money?
Do you take credit cards?
Check the corners.
Books like to wind up in corners.
It's a small black book.
You can't miss it.
You find it, I'll knock a few
bucks off what you owe me.
She still owes the bank, too.
How long do you think it'll
take her to find that book?
Half hour, tops.
Ten bucks says she'll find
it in the next ten minutes.
- I bet never.
- You know something we don't?
Yeah, the garbage with the book
got carted off yesterday.
- I just like making her look.
- Aw, Cap!
Well, hey, my condolences on
your little black book, sir.
Nah, come on.
I got all that info up in the cloud.
Ah, the cloud. I love it.
Okay, okay, so how long until she stops?
Until I tell her to stop.
20 bucks says she stops before that.
- You're on.
- Hey, Lucy!
- Yes, Chief?
- Quit screwing around there.
Come on. Let's go. You're gonna
clean the oven hood
and the refrigerators,
and you're gonna write
my thank-you notes
for the awards ceremony.
Do I make myself clear?
I love this!
All right, all right.
Let that be a lesson to ya.
You gamble in my station,
that's what you get.
- You got it, Chief.
- You're right, Chief.
- You're right, Chief.
- Sorry.
Aw, nice doing business with you, Cap.
[CHUCKLES] Son of a bitch.
20 more dollars.
- Another sweater for Mom ♪
- So weird, bro.
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