Tacoma FD (2019) s02e02 Episode Script

Fire in Sex Town

Throw the ball. Let's go.
Cops suck!
Cops do not suck.
Firefighters suck.
Plate's that way, Polonski.
Come on. You're terrible.
You suck, bitch.
- What's up?
- Shut up.
You trying to hit me, cop?
It's high-pitch softball.
I can't hit you.
Yeah, how about you get that
bat off your shoulder, huh?
Maybe swing at something. I don't know.
Give me something to swing at, then.
Come on, Granny.
- Come on, Granny.
- Choke on this.
You suck, Polonski.
Time out. He's hurt.
We got a guy down.
You guys are first responders. Come on.
You're first responders, too. Respond.
Come on, Granny, you're a medic.
Stop running!
Talk about a high-pitch.
Man, I love whipping
the cops' ass at softball.
Yes, indeed.
Yeah, they suck, especially Shuck.
That guy creeps me out.
He always stares right under my boobs.
- You mean right at your boobs.
- No, under.
- What?
- Under.
Oh, shit.
Ike, that is one big
python between your legs.
Aww, thanks, Granny.
Has it always been that big?
No, no. Takes time to grow, you know.
If I had something like that,
- I wouldn't know how to handle it.
- You can handle it.
No problem.
As long as I guide you,
you can do whatever you want to it.
I'm a little scared.
Name's Squeezy.
She's part of my new
exotic dance routine.
- Why'd you bring her here?
- Oh, my apartment's infested with mice,
so we had to get an exterminator,
and we had to evacuate,
which sucks because exterminators
are mucho expensivo, aren't they?
Why don't you just let
the snake take care of it?
Hmm, let me think.
Because snakes don't have
any money, Andy.
Regardless, man, you need
to hide that thing, all right?
If Chief sees it,
he's gonna blow a gasket.
No, no, it's impossible.
He'll never know it's here.
Trust me.
I pop her in the little case here,
she takes a disco nap
We're all good, buddy.
Hey, let's go.
Press conference is starting.
Come on.
Last night, a warehouse
full of adult toys burned down.
It's the second adult toy
warehouse to burn down
in the last two weeks,
which leads us to
believe this was arson.
As this is an ongoing crime,
the police and fire departments
will be forming a joint task force
- to solve this
- What?
Ken Walters, "My Neighborhood App."
Which businesses were hit?
The first was Suckceptions,
then, last night,
the EverThrust warehouse
burned down one block away.
- Any casualties?
- No.
But lots of inventory damage.
What type of inventory?
Toys, paraphernalia.
Could you list the items,
just so we know what
we're dealing with here?
Vibrators, dildos, strap-ons,
gag balls, whips,
nipple clamps, sex dolls,
sex swings, artificial vaginas,
bondage kits, flavored lubes,
et cetera, et cetera.
Oh, and what exactly
are those items used for?
They're for sexual and
masturbatory pleasure.
Oh, I get it. Okay.
Very funny.
What are you even looking at?
- I'm a rib guy.
- What does that mean?
Means I like ribs,
and you got some nice ones.
- All right, enough, enough.
- She started it,
putting her ribs
all out there for me to see.
How can you even see my
ribs through the shirt?
You can't flaunt those ribs
and expect me not to look.
- Hey, shut up.
- You shut up.
You shut up.
Ho! Ho!
Hey, hey, hey, all right,
all right, all right.
Come on. Listen up.
We will be breaking up
into teams of TFD and TPD.
The first team, Myawani,
McConky, Salazar.
- Chief!
- Carajo de mierda.
- Maybe a little sex with the ex.
- Never.
All right, the three of you
will be at the site
of the last warehouse to burn down.
You'll be gathering evidence.
The next team, Crystal, Shuck.
Aww, shucks.
There is a third warehouse in the area.
- It's called the Dildo Dojo.
- Funny name.
We have reason to believe
it is the next target,
so you'll be keeping an eye on that.
A little stakeout action, huh?
Stakeout action.
Surveillance is cop work.
- Really? Is it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, Ike.
- All right, Granny.
- Who I get?
- You will be at the police station
with Captain Polonski.
You'll be consolidating
the fire and police report
into one report.
Which will be submitted to me.
The Mayor's Office doesn't want
an arsonist running around.
There's a lot of people very concerned.
Yeah, I hear the butt plug enthusiasts
are being a giant pain in the ass.
Oh, nice one, Cap.
Yeah, the S&M people
are really cracking the whip.
The bondage people are fit to be tied.
I heard the dildo boys have a
No, you got it, bud.
I don't have one, Chief. Sorry.
All right, that's it.
Come on, everybody, let's go.
Go catch an arsonist. Let's do it.
EverThrust dildos:
One size doesn't fit all.
Yeah, right. Hmm, they all fit.
All right,
you two start gathering evidence.
I'll be taking pictures,
so stay out of my way.
Why don't you let the
fire experts do their job,
and you stay out of our way?
Hey, I have more business
here than you do
This is a crime scene.
You're right. And the crime is arson.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Listen, you do what you need to do,
and we'll do what we need to do.
- Cool?
- Whatever.
I mean
Auspicious start.
I wonder how the stakeout
in dildo-town's going.
It was a hot August night in dildo-town.
Me and my new hotshot
partner were investigating
an arsonist who was
targeting Tacoman perverts.
So far, no luck.
You really gonna eat this shit?
No, no, I'm not gonna eat it,
but it just makes it look a lot more
like a stake out, right?
I might eat the beef jerky, but
Why are you even here?
This has nothing to
do with firefighting.
This is cop work, okay?
- You know who's a cop? Me.
- Okay.
All right, if I wanted to
hang out with firefighters,
I'd go to a fire.
Hey, dude,
not the best way to start
off a partnership, okay?
Let's get something straight, bucko.
We ain't partners, we ain't brothers,
and we ain't friends.
Oh, yeah. And we ain't classmates
or business associates or pen pals.
- What are you talking about?
- What are you talking about?
Don't did you really spit?
Hold on. Coming.
Oh, okay.
Of all the people, they sent you?
- We have a problem?
- You shattered my patella.
Welcome to softball.
I was screaming!
- You always scream.
- You know what?
Fine. just sift through
all the reports by yourself
'cause if you're not gonna help me,
then I'm not gonna help you.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine!
Are you kidding me? Look at this.
Hey, what do you want to do for lunch?
You want to order from
Blobby's Barbecue?
Nah, I'm on a diet.
- I brought fruit and cottage cheese.
- Sucks for you.
Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't
order from Blobby's Barbecue.
You're looking a little jowly.
You're calling me jowly?
Okay, all right.
Hey, little fella.
How you doing, buddy? You lost?
Hey, get that cat out of here.
No, dude. He's a stray.
This is ridiculous. Look at this.
The hose and the
lad This is your crew.
I'll get it in a sec.
Oh, no, no, please, I'll get it.
I'm just the chief.
Oh, yeah, I'm just the chief.
Get that cat out of here in one minute
- or I'm gonna punt it.
- Terry, that's bad karma.
One day, an animal's gonna get you.
Yeah, that'll be the day.
This sounded way more fun on paper.
I know. I'm gonna have so many
nightmares about melted dildos.
Oh, what's this?
Huh. Look at this.
It's like that animated dog movie
where they eat a big plate of spaghetti.
Yeah, and I must be the girl dog, right?
I mean, it also reminds me
of that Valentine's Day
party in Seattle.
- Oh, my God.
- I mean, that night, I was the bitch.
Yes, you were.
You're so funny.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Hey, come on, can you help me
out up here, please?
Oh, yeah.
He's a hungry little guy, this guy.
- Just wants some food.
- Oh, yeah?
You should take him
to Blobby's Barbecue.
Maybe I will.
Hey, I thought of a name for him.
- I don't care.
- When Vicky and I were kids,
we had two cats,
Soup and Salad. My cat was Salad.
Great, yeah.
You told me a million times.
Your best friend was Salad,
and you used to cry to him
when you dad was mean to you.
That's right, and this little guy
- is gonna be Salad 2.
- Great, that's awesome.
Which should make you happy
since you're on a diet.
I'm not on a diet.
I'm just watching what I eat.
- There's a difference.
- Oh, yeah.
That means he's on a diet.
Wow, Eddie,
there's a giant snake up here!
Oh, okay. Does it look like a hose?
Eddie, help me!
I mean, it'd smallow you.
As if that's even possible.
Help me! He's going in my shirt!
Holy shit.
Help me out. He's wrapping around me.
You can understand why
I thought you were joking, right?
Get him off of me. Get him off of me.
Where are you going?
- It's around my leg.
- I gotta pry him off.
- Help me!
- Okay.
Damn it. Help me out, Eddie.
- He's got you wrapped up.
- Watch out for my balls.
- Okay.
- Now he's squeezing me.
Okay, hold on. He's got
Oh, my God. He's got my arm.
I specifically requested a longer lens.
Just booked a cruise.
Cool story, dude.
Ah, man, it's gonna be awesome.
This ship goes right up to this,
like, ice wall,
which basically holds
everything in because
I don't know if you know this, but
The Earth is flat?
Wait, you know that the Earth is flat?
- Yeah.
- Seriously?
Wait are you talking about
the Flat Earthers cruise?
Yes, dude, I just booked a ticket on it.
Why didn't you tell me?
I wanted to go on that.
- I didn't know you knew!
- I know!
- You know the Earth is flat!
- I do!
Can't believe everybody thinks
that the Earth is a globe.
Like, if it's a globe,
where are the curves?
- Where is the curve?
- Right?
Look at the horizon. Right?
Could not be more flat.
Doesn't go like this.
No, and all those "photos"
that "NASA" took
from "space," please.
- So fake.
- So fake.
And I guess everybody in
Australia is just literally
walking around upside down, governor?
- Yeah, we're upside down.
- Right on.
You're okay.
You too, bro.
- Want to get a picture real quick?
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- What?
I'm looking for info on the accelerant,
but I'm not seeing the chem reports.
It's in the evidence room.
Actually, you know what? I will get it.
- Nah, I'll get it, man. It's this way.
- Nope, I got it.
- I mean, I could
- Nope. I got it.
Dude, why are you being weird about it?
- I can go get it.
- Totally good.
I need the exercise. I got it.
- I got it.
- Just let me get it.
- I got it. I got i aah!
- Just let me get it.
Oh, my God.
- Hey, you okay?
- I am fine!
- I got it.
- Okay.
Here, let me
All right, man, just
My finger! Get away!
- You got it?
- Yep.
Okay, cool.
- Hey.
- I'ma go get the file now.
No, no, no!
Calm down.
Holy shit.
Steel drums?
I told you not to come in here.
Is this what you were afraid of?
That I'd find your steel drums?
I had them at home,
but I had to bring them in here
when the baby came.
- What are you ashamed of?
- I'm a police captain.
I have a reputation to
uphold as a professional,
and that doesn't include
being the hip guy who plays steel drums.
- Well, let me hear you play.
- I told you.
- I can't.
- Why not?
Because you crippled me.
Oh, man.
You crippled me!
- How's it going?
- Oh, good.
I think I might be onto something.
What do you think about Salazar?
I hate her. Why?
I mean, would it be crazy
if we got back together?
- Yes.
- Cool, cool, cool.
Hey, girl. How's it going?
Why are you "Hey, girl"-ing me?
Does Andy have a girlfriend?
I don't know. He
keeps that stuff private.
- You guys seem friendly.
- That's because we're friends.
But he looks fine, though, right?
Yeah, he's a total hottie,
and I think he might be into you.
Right now, I'm bagging dildos with Andy,
but, tonight, I'm gonna
be bagging Andy with dildos.
Thanks, girl.
Hey, Luce.
Doesn't think look like a
player piece for a boardgame?
- It does.
- But this one's for butts.
This snake is deceptively fast.
Okay, all right. Oh,
my God, look at him.
- Oh, my God, he's right here.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. Okay.
If you weren't screwing
around with that cat,
we wouldn't be having
this problem right now.
What are you so worried about?
- It's gonna eat me first.
- It's not gonna eat you first.
It's gonna eat me.
- Whoa, look, it's the cat.
- Oh, my God.
It's the cat. Call the cat over here.
- No.
- Oh, come here, kitty.
Call the cat. Here, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty. It's not coming.
It's not coming.
This is why I hate cats.
You call them, they don't come.
You call, you call, call the cat.
No, wait, I'm gonna
call Salad 2 over here
- so this beast can eat that cat?
- Yeah.
The cat'll distract it. We'll be free!
Oh, fine. Here, Salad 2.
- Hey, come here.
- Here, Salad 2, come here.
Come here, kitty.
- There it goes, okay.
- Come here, kitty.
- Come here, kitty.
- There it goes.
No! No!
It's so frustrating,
because the latest
issue of "Chiseled A.F."
has this 30-day diet plan
that I've been following,
and I am chiseled, but
I'm not chiseled A.F.
The "A.F." is always the hardest part.
Do you burn a lot of calories stripping?
Yeah, oh, yeah, tons.
That's hella sweet.
You think you could maybe
get me a job stripping?
First of all, it's not "stripping."
We actually call it exotic dancing.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.
No big deal. Um
And, uh
I hate to say this, but
You're kind of too small.
Now, don't take this the wrong way.
Honestly, there's just a certain height
and weight requirement for
optimal performance, and
You just don't meet those requirements.
- Hey, man
- How dare you, dude?
How dare you?
Don't Shuck, don't!
Shuck, wait! Don't
What's going on, Lucy?
Fire started here.
There's traces of butane
around here on the floor,
and then, over there,
there's plastic with traces of silicon.
- Huh.
- Silicone is highly flammable,
and the lube is what
acted as the accelerant.
Oh! Well done, probie.
Firefighter McConky,
as a prize for solving the arson case,
I'd like to present to you Godzildo!
Wow, thank you.
Um, I shall name him Bob.
- Why?
- As in "Battery Operated Boyfriend."
I see how it is.
That was our dildo.
Wait, Liz, it isn't what you think.
I hate both of you.
Liz! Lisandra!
Go away.
You can still play the
steel drums with a bum knee.
Oh, really?
Well, you should try it sometime,
because I have, and it doesn't work!
So why don't you just go
destroy someone else's knee
and leave me alone?
That's it!
You hey you better stop it! Ow!
- I'm not going anywhere.
- Yes, you are.
I am not go stop it
It's I'm not not!
You're not
- I told you I can't!
- You can.
I'm gonna play with you.
- You play?
- I do.
Your uke would match my
steel drums perfectly.
Let's find out.
Hey, Liz, can you help me out in here?
Hey, Andy, can I get your help?
Let's move this shelf.
One, two
What the Lucy!
- Hey!
- Lucy!
- What are you doing?
- Hey, Lucy!
You two need to figure this out.
- What?
- Figure what out?
What are you talki
Do you have the keys to these?
To the sex handcuffs?
Too small, huh? How 'bout this?
Bet you feel like an idiot now,
seeing these moves!
Call this one "the penal code," yeah!
Still think I'm not
exotic dancer material?
Whoo! Whoo!
I call this one "the downward crank."
Bam, bam.
All right, all right, all right.
That's actually pretty good.
Let me just break it down for you.
What's up the ladies
are all around here, right?
Look at that, ladies. What's up?
- Am I doing it?
- Easy, easy.
Too quick, too quick, too quick.
One, two.
You don't need to make the noise.
Don't make the noise.
You're up, right?
- Yeah.
- Great.
- Let's do a bit of hip work, okay?
- Yeah.
So in like this and nice and easy.
Easy, slower, slower.
Yeah, laugh it up, kids.
This is what a real man looks like.
Okay, pussy.
- What'd you say?
- I called you a pussy, pussy.
Why don't you go suck your mom's tit?
Ah, I should've said
"suck your mom's dick."
Yeah, that would've been good.
- Say it again.
- Nah, they're gone.
Anyway, yeah, good, easy dip.
Oh, my God.
I'm starting to see why
I'm about to pass out.
I got an idea.
Let's roll off the engine
and crush this asshole.
I don't want to do that.
What are you talking
about? We can kill it.
If you land on top of me,
you'll kill me.
If we stay here,
we're guaranteed to die.
If we roll off,
we got a 50% chance of living.
I always thought
Vicky would be the one
to die underneath you.
- Ready?
- No.
- One
- No.
- Two
- No.
- Three.
- No.
Salad 2, good job, buddy.
Who's calling? Linda Price.
Hey, Linda.
Oh, okay.
Great, we'll be here. Okay.
They caught the arsonist.
- Who did?
- I don't know.
- Huh.
- Oh!
All right. Let's bring everyone back.
Oh, it stinks.
You're unbelievable!
That was great.
- Yeah!
- Oh, man.
We make a good team, partner.
Hey, Chief, what's up?
Hello? Hey, Linda.
Oh, really? Wow.
They caught the perp, solved the arson.
- We'll be right there.
- I'll get Andy and Salazar.
- We'll be right there.
- That's great news.
It is great news.
Guess we're done.
Hey, guys.
Uh, guys?
They solved the arson.
They want us back at the station.
- Cool.
- Like, now.
Yeah, like, five minutes?
Oh, everybody's here. Ken, take it away.
Okay, so I was browsing Facebook,
searching local groups for stories,
and I came across this.
What up, peeps? We're at the Dildo Dojo,
which we'll be burning down soon.
Oh, my God, dummies.
But we just had to show you this.
Somebody please caption this!
- Oh, dude!
- Shuck!
They thought it'd only
go out to their friends,
but it went viral,
which led to other videos
of them confessing to the other fires.
State troopers picked up the kids.
At least Crystal and
I were there to help
flush out those bad boys, huh?
Oh, yeah, all day.
- All day.
- Whoa.
- Wow.
- Is that blood or something?
You wouldn't believe it.
While you guys were out there,
Chief and I got attacked
by a humongous snake
and we killed the
everloving shit out of it.
- No way.
- No, you didn't.
- Shut up.
- Yeah, we blew it up.
What do you mean, you killed it?
Oh, yeah, we did. We killed it dead.
Holy shit.
We exploded it
blood everywhere, chunks of flesh.
- Shit.
- That's so sick.
We even found the
head in one of your boots.
Oh, shit.
Wow, that's awesome, dudes.
If I see a flier on a lamppost
out there for a missing snake,
I will call that number
and I will chew out that guy's asshole.
- "Chew"?
- I wonder where it is now.
It's probably up in heaven.
Who knows, guys?
Stupid piece of shit.
Even though those kids outed themselves,
I know the work you all
did today will be useful,
so you'll still need
to file your report.
I've got your report right here.
Granny we've got
the report right here.
- We've got the report.
- We.
All right, guys, thank you very much.
Back to work, everybody.
Dear Ms. Price, we thought it was crazy
to have our two departments
pair up to work on this case.
You saw us how everybody sees us, as
Aspiring exotic dancers.
- Dildo afficionados.
- Musicians.
But despite how you see us,
what we found
Is that we're more
than all those things.
We're a team.
The TFD/TPD Task Force.
Who wrote this stupid shit?
Pitch it in, Granny.
He doesn't wanna swing. He can't run.
Shut your piehole, Penisi.
I spent my whole 401k
on stem cell therapy,
- so eat it.
- Wow.
Trying to grow a dick?
- Polonski sucks.
- Come on, Granny!
Oh! Okay.
- You trying to brush me back?
- Why you crowding the plate?
Okay, do it again. See what happens.
What, you wanna see a brush back pitch?
Here we go.
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Pinche cabron!
Oh, oh!
We doing this? Ooh.
Hey, Polonski!
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