Tacoma FD (2019) s02e05 Episode Script

I'm Eddie Penisi...sr

Dude stuck upside-down in
the vent of a condom truck?
No. This is a first.
Yeah, so I just talked to that girl
in the pink dress back there.
She and this guy were in a car,
about to have sex,
but they didn't have a condom.
So he saw the truck and
tried to climb on top
and it just rolled down the
hill until it hit this tree.
Truck must've had some
kind of special protection
- to prevent an accident.
I guess that explains
all the rubberneckers.
We need to get this dick out
before he causes more damage.
This whole thing is
really inconceivable.
Come on, probee,
let's quit with the ribbing.
- I bet you he's, uh
Come on, man.
- I bet
- This is all you, Ike.
- You got it, baby.
- Oh, you're waiting for me?
I, uh, I don't have one.
Well, if you try hard enough,
it'll come.
All right. Let's go. Let's bust a nut.
- Let me out of here!
This truck just spilled its load.
I guess that's where the
rubbers meet the road.
Come on! Somebody!
- Still nothing.
- Ike, it's condom puns.
I'm so sorry, guys.
- Just work.
- Uh. I'm gonna
It's disappointing.
Congratulations! It's a boy!
- There you go, sir.
Dust him off.
All right fellas,
we got this all wrapped up.
ALL: Whoa! Hey!
- What?
- "Wrapped up."
- What do you mean?
- Come on.
- Come on, guys.
- Honestly, I'm ultrasensitive today.
- ALL: Oh!
- There's one!
- That's gotta be one.
- One what?
I can't tell if he's serious.
One what? [SCREAMING] Wait, guys! What?
[SCREAMING] Guys, what?
Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I've got a fever of 103 ♪
I'm hot-blooded ♪
At long last, your party arrives
at the lowest level of
the lost mine of the Androsphinx.
[WHISPERING] The area is eerily quiet.
There's a stench of dead
creatures all around.
You come to a locked wooden door.
What do you do?
- Let's break it down.
- Yes.
- Yeah. Break it down.
- What do you use?
- [SNORTS] An ax.
- Agreed.
As you deliberate,
a gas ogre comes
bursting through the door
and lets out a grotesque roar.
That squirrel you ran over on
Tuesday is still out there.
- Go clean it up!
- I didn't run it over, you ran it over.
Don't you throw me under the bus.
You ran over it.
- You go clean it up.
- Oh, man.
Myawani, clean up that squirrel.
Wait, why do I have
to clean up the squirrel?
In the interest of saving time,
dungeon master,
I could go out and
clean up said squirrel
while you prepare for us
to murder this gas ogre.
That would be wonderful.
If it pleases dungeon master.
Thanks, Ike.
I will remember that. [LAUGHS]
Chief, Chief. Terry, Terry, Terry.
Hey, where we going for your
daughter's graduation dinner?
Oh, Bleeder's Steakhouse.
- Really? Bleeder's?
- Yeah.
Isn't that your favorite restaurant?
Yeah, baby. Prime rib.
Yeah, but it's your daughter's dinner.
I know her first choice isn't Bleeder's.
Well, I'm paying, so I'm choosing.
Terry, the name is unappetizing.
What do you want me to do?
The owner's name is Jimmy Bleeder.
Yeah, but it's gross.
So you want the guy to change
the name of his restaurant
to make you more comfortable?
I am certain you know what I mean.
No, I don't.
The name of the place is Bleeder's.
Bleeder's Steakhouse.
That's where we're going.
And I'm paying.
- Oh, shit. It's the commissioner.
- Why would he come unannounced?
Okay. I don't know. I don't know.
Hello, Commissioner.
Hello, Dad.
Inside. Office. Now.
Sit down.
About a week ago,
a guy broke in to a condom truck.
- Rescued him.
- He's suing the city for 125 mil.
What? Guy was a thief.
He's not gonna win.
But here's the thing.
When there's a lawsuit,
the incident report goes public.
"Condom truck
extrication incident report
"by Edward Penisi, Jr.
"It was a wet and stormy night.
"A raincoat was needed.
"Luckily, we came upon
a condom truck."
Blah-blah-blah. "Sticky situation."
"Erected a ladder." Blah-blah-blah.
"Penetrated the back door."
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Boy, that really sings, huh?
The mayor's up my ass!
Because you're my son
and you're my son-in-law,
and when they read this thing,
the TFD is going to look
like a bunch of idiots!
[LAUGHING] I told you a million times
not to screw around
on your reports. [LAUGHS]
You read it, right?
I did, but I thought it was a joke,
'cause you're always joking.
If you thought it was a joke,
why did you submit it?
Unless you weren't doing
your job. [CHUCKLING]
It's not my job to rein in my captain.
- Enough!
I pulled a bunch of
reports from "A" Shift.
They all stink!
Lucy's are actually fantastic,
but Ike Crystal,
he writes like a third-grader.
Granville Smith,
guy thinks he's F. Scott Fitzgerald.
[STAMMERING] My mayor mywa
- Myawani.
- He hasn't done his reports
in a month!
The punishment: everyone but Lucy
will redo their reports
for the last two weeks.
- Oh, come on.
- All of them?
Yeah. All of them.
Okay, okay.
Thank you very much, sir.
I'm not done.
What's this about a
graduation dinner tonight?
Uh it's happening?
Vicky told me about it this morning.
You didn't invite me.
The grandfather.
That's weird. I sent out an e-vite.
- Did you not get the e-vite?
- I did not.
Maybe because I don't
know what an e-vite is.
How about an invite?
Like in my fucking mailbox
or in my fucking ear.
Maybe check your spam folder?
Well. I'll be there.
And I'm paying.
No, no, it's my daughter's dinner.
- I'm paying.
- I'm the patriarch. I pay.
I'm the patriarch of my daughter.
So I'm paying.
I'm paying. Now get out.
I gotta make a phone call.
- This is my office.
- It was mine first.
Why you gotta throw me under the bus?
- You did it first.
- I hate it when he's here.
Will you stick up for yourself?
- He neuters you every time.
- He didn't neuter me.
He just kicked you out of your office.
- That's a neutering.
- No, it's not!
Hey, Terry. I'm gonna go to my office.
What are you gonna do?
- Fuck you.
- Yeah.
As you open the gas
ogre's treasure chest,
the party member in the
rear of the formation
- finds something.
- That's me. I'm in the rear.
- Yes, Ike the Sweet.
- And you find
A Helmet of Telekinesis.
- Oh, sweet!
- Oh
I see the future, right?
I guess it pays
to clean up the dungeon
master's dead squirrel, huh?
Currying favors for the dungeon master
is always a good idea.
Attention on deck! Commissioner Penisi.
- Hi!
- Look at this beautiful girl.
Aw, hi, Gampy.
That's "Commissioner Gampy" to you.
At ease, men. Sit.
- What's this?
- Dungeons & Dragons, sir.
Is it a board game?
Kind of, yeah. Right.
Funny-looking dice.
Is it a gambling game?
Oh, no, no, no.
Chief banned gambling, so
No gambling.
You banned gambling
in my station?
- It was becoming a problem
- Terry.
I'm lifting the ban.
- With all due respect, sir
- I'm the commissioner.
I am unbanning gambling in this station
for the rest of historical time.
Start gambling!
What are you looking at him for? Now!
- Yeah.
- I got 30 on me.
Hey, place your bets, guys.
- That's fine.
- [QUIETLY] I don't know, man.
- Happy gambling.
- Thank you, sir.
Nice to see you again.
Okay, you know what?
I hate to rain on your parade,
but per the commish,
the incident reports are subpar.
So everyone except Lucy
has to redo their reports
from the last two weeks.
- Whoo-whoo-whoo!
- But Chief, man,
I worked my ass off on mine.
Yours read like you're
trying to get a book deal.
- I want 'em on my desk today.
Kay, Chief.
I guess we have to save
this game for another day.
Well, hold on.
Since I don't have anything to do,
I can help with your reports.
Much obliged.
I guess it does pay to
please the dungeon master.
That's right. And don't you forget it.
Campground's in flames,
and I'm searching RVs. They're on fire.
Smoke everywhere.
Well, I ain't leaving.
That's when I hear,
"Help. Help."
It's three little kids.
He kicked you out of your office.
And yet, here he is in the break room.
- Does that piss you off?
- Nope. Not at all.
And that's when I see
the propane tank on fire.
I don't think.
I jump on those kids,
and boom.
My turnout was eviscerated,
my back was opened up
to the spine, but
I saved those kids.
Goosebump Olympics over here, right?
No, no.
I was just doing my job.
- Wow.
- It's unbelievable.
The fire gets bigger every time.
[GRUMBLES] "My spine.
You can see my spine."
If we could see your spine,
you'd be dead.
Show 'em your medals, Gampy.
Hey, Terry. You're not doing anything.
Why don't you leave your lemonade stand
and grab the beef out of the oven.
[QUIETLY] Don't do it.
Yes, sir.
Big mistake.
So this is Medal of Valor,
Washington State.
National Firefighters Association.
- Firefighter of the Year 1975.
- There's no potholders.
Presidential Medal of Valor,
President Ford.
You have a Presidential Medal of Valor?
Two, actually. That one's from Reagan.
Oh, that's hot!
- Come on!
- You okay, Chief?
Okay forget Find a potholder
- Careful
- What?
- Whoa!
Beef tetra-Penisi. Dig in.
This is my favorite thing he makes.
Hey, uh, what happened to your game?
Oh, we have to finish these reports.
Chief says they are due
at the end of the day.
No, they don't have to be done today.
Take your time. Play your game.
Oh! And remember to gamble.
- I love you, Gampy.
- He's so good.
- He's like a superhero, right?
- I know, right?
- Hey, hey.
- I want those reports EOD.
- Didn't you hear the commish?
He said that we don't have
to do them right away.
I said EOD.
Terry, it's lunchtime. Come on.
- Okay, okay.
- Chief!
Whence last we played,
Ike had found the Helmet of Telekinesis.
But Lucia has also found an item.
- Nice!
- Hold up, hold up, hold up.
Why is it when people get
you things or kiss your ass,
they get something?
- That's cheating!
- Purely coincidence.
Well, it don't feel like coincidence.
It's just the roll of the dice, Granny.
Oh, look. I believe it's your turn.
I want to search for secret doors.
- Yes.
- Eh?
Oh! Unfortunately,
a grick was hiding in the corner
and attacked Grandolph,
killing him instantly.
- That's bullshit, man!
- You're corrupt!
- No! Bye!
Here's a little advice.
Lucy is one level away
from a resurrection spell.
Maybe if you finish my reports
I can speed that up. [LAUGHS]
That's kind of an abuse of power.
- Kinda is.
- That's an abuse of power?
- Kinda, I mean
- Ike!
I would love
a Le Pew sparkling water.
No, I'm not gonna
You're two feet away from the
Don't, don't!
Don't! Don't touch my card.
I'm going, okay? Stop! Don't touch it.
Hey, Junior!
Junior, come here, come here, come here.
Look what I found
hiding in Terry's closet.
That's every Penisi ever stationed here.
- That's me, of course.
- Yeah.
Your grandpa, Giuseppe.
That's Mario before him,
his dad, Geppetto,
and your
great-great-great-great-grandpa, Bosco.
- Good looking bunch of guys.
- They're all right.
You know, you were
conceived on this desk.
No, Dad, I didn't know that.
It was your mom's idea,
may she rest in peace.
You ever have sex on this desk?
Yeah, I did. Recently, actually.
- Good height.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you see?
That's why you should be chief.
- Come on.
- Terry
he would never have sex on this desk.
Well, he's married to
your daughter, my sister.
You know what I mean.
I mean, Terry's soft.
You're more of a chief than he is.
- Okay.
- You're smarter than him.
- Yeah.
- You're funnier.
- Yes.
- You're better-looking.
- You're more charming.
- Definitely.
You have the heart of a chief, son.
I see greatness in you.
- You do?
- Someday
This will be yours.
My precious
He's been disrespecting
me since day one.
Remember at our wedding
when he got rid of the chicken
alternative I suggested
because he wanted everyone to eat beef?
It's a generational thing.
He calls chicken "girl meat."
- People like options at weddings.
- He doesn't.
And he was paying.
That's a whole other thing.
- The paying. I'm sick of it.
- He is a grandpa.
It makes him feel like he's
still running the house.
It's not like he kicked
you out of your office
or anything.
Okay. I gotta go. Love you.
Hey, Granny. How are my reports going?
I'm making progress.
Oh, cool, cool. Heh.
Let me see what you got.
It's a little wordy.
It doesn't really sound like me, but
maybe you can take another whack at it?
"Maybe you can do it yourself.
Huh. Neh. Heh."
Maybe I could.
But maybe Grandolph's resurrection
hits a couple of unforeseen speed bumps.
I'm just kidding.
I'm sure the resurrection will be fine.
But just do a good job, okay?
- Okay?
- [QUIETLY] Okay.
You can say it like me, if you want.
Huh. You don't want to imitate me now?
That's strange.
- Mm-kay?
- Okay!
Not "okay."
I found these jammed in your closet.
That Durabran girl is hot!
And the "wake up your wife" thing,
- it's hysterical!
I always thought it was funny.
By the way,
your life would be a lot easier
if Eddie, Jr. wasn't there to
undermine you all the time.
You think the crew respects you
when he tells fat jokes to your face?
No. And did you know
he screws on your desk?
Screws what? Women?
No, no. He screws furniture together.
- Yes, women!
- Who did he screw?
He wouldn't say.
But talk about insubordination.
God. I don't believe it.
He's disgusting!
But you, I see greatness in you.
You can be commissioner someday
if Eddie, Jr. doesn't drag
you down with him.
And about the bill tonight?
- You can pay.
- I can?
- Absolutely.
- Thanks, Commissioner.
Call me "Dad."
[LAUGHING] Okay! Dad.
- Great.
- See you tonight, son.
[LAUGHING] That's great.
'Sup, my nerds. Guess what?
I finished your reports.
Your timing is excellent, Granny,
because Lucia has reached level five.
And I would like to resurrect Grandolph.
Oh, yes, and thank you.
This spell will consume a diamond
worth 500 gold pieces.
I have such a diamond, Dungeon Master.
I submit this diamond
for Grandolph's life.
Grandolph's soul
Can you hear me?
Are you willing to rejoin your body?
Yes, Dungeon Master
Grandolph's wounds close.
- He lives!
- [GASPS] Yeah!
Oh, baby!
Do a dance of joy.
Come again?
Entertain me with a dance.
Just get it over with.
[LAUGHS] Yes, yes.
Ellen hands, please, Ellen hands.
More Ellen.
Yes, Granny. Push the fruit.
Ah, yes, yes. Push that fruit away.
Bountiful harvest.
There's too much fruit.
- Push it away.
- That's really weird, man.
Push the fruit! [CACKLES]
Dear God. Mercy.
Playing Doorbells & Dingleberries?
No, it's, uh
It's Dungeons & Dragons, sir.
- Did you bet on it?
- Oh, no.
- Still no gambling here.
- God damn it!
I said gamble! That's
what firefighters do!
We gamble!
And if you're not gambling,
then you're not playing!
Hey, what's going on in here?
I have never seen a softer group
in my life!
This is on you two.
The captain and the
chief of the pussies.
We need to talk.
I want you to go in that office
and tell your father to leave.
If you want him out of your office,
you tell him, Chief.
- You're afraid.
- I'm afraid?
You're soft. And by the way?
I'd be a better chief than you.
I have the heart of a chief.
You're the one dragging me down.
Ha! You're the chief of the pussies.
Also, if you want to pay for dinner,
- you just pay.
- I am.
- I told him, and he agreed.
- Oh.
But that shouldn't matter to you
- because you're not invited anymore.
- You're disinviting me?
- Yeah.
Well, you be very careful right now,
Terry McConky,
'cause I'll make you regret that.
I regret inviting
you in the first place.
Happy eighth grade graduation.
When your mother
was in the eighth grade,
we didn't celebrate
eighth grade graduation.
Didn't have cell phones, either.
But these days,
everybody's gotta have a trophy.
- Am I right?
- Hey.
- We're ready to order.
- Oh, wonderful.
Looks like we arrived just in time.
What are you doing here?
I disinvited you.
Yeah. Vicky re-invited me.
How could you disinvite him?
This is a family dinner.
Vicky also told me I could bring a date.
So this is Penny.
Penny is a professional
competitive eater.
Oh, like the hot dog guys?
Yeah. She eats massive amounts
of food professionally.
And she's in training.
- Nice to meet you all.
- Nice to meet you.
Hey, Penny.
Oh, thank you.
Professional eater. [CHUCKLES]
- That's great.
- I'm starving.
Dig in.
Okay my bread.
Okay. That's my water.
Maybe we could get her uh.
All right, why don't we start
with the young lady?
I will start
with the fried "calamar"
and raviole al spinaci.
And each of my girls will have
a "spaghett" Bolognese.
I'll also have the fried "calamar,"
followed by the veal "scallopeen"
and a personal pizza alla "pepperone."
I'll start with the "prosciut,"
then I'll have the spaghettini
alla quattro formaggio, al dente.
For me, a bufala "moo-zarell"
followed by a stringozzi puttanesca
with a side of risotto Parmigiano.
Ooh, let's get some
gabagool for the table, hmm?
- Gabagool? Gabagool?
- Yeah.
- Gabagool galore.
- The young lady?
- To start,
I'll have the left side of the menu
- Yeah.
- And for the main course,
- I'll have the right side.
- Wonderful.
- How about for you, sir?
- I will just have the prime rib.
- And some more bread.
- Okay.
And another water.
Hey, thanks for picking up the check.
I'll have a Dewar's Platinum.
- Want to make it a double?
- Make it a double.
Great idea.
The Dungeon Master grows impatient!
- [WHISPERING] He's nuts!
- [HUSHED] We've gotta take him down.
Just having this conversation right now
could get our characters killed!
Have you found a sub for Lucy yet?
Not yet, Dungeon Master!
I know.
Oh, I got it.
- What don't
Hey, there he is.
How goes it?
Cool, cool. Good to see you, Tolthar.
- [CHUCKLES] You look awesome.
- I know.
Tolthar, Granny. Granny, Tolthar.
Oh, Tolthar was with me the night that
that girl turned me into a werewolf.
Super Blue Blood Moon.
- Was a weird night.
- That was a weird one.
I woke up naked next to a Wookie.
- What?
- Not a real Wookie.
- A cosplay.
- Aw.
Still crazy. Over here.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
That's your thing, huh?
Well, it was that night.
Andy, you remember my buddy, Tolthar.
Oh, yeah.
So they got you to replace Lucy.
I didn't realize you played D&D.
- I dabble.
- [LAUGHS] Aw, man.
I'll try not to kill you too quickly.
Oh, okay. Thanks.
- So there's Terry and Junior,
and they're walking
with the firefighters
in The St. Patrick's Day parade,
drunk as monkeys.
So drunk, they don't realize
they're now walking
with a high school marching band.
These two, they just keep on marching.
Hey, sweetheart.
When the check's ready, bring it to me.
Hey, Dad, Dad, Dad.
You said I could pay.
I'm changing it up a little.
And I'm not your dad.
You enter and see the
Androsphinx from behind.
It spins, surprising you.
Now, claw attack.
And it kills you all.
- Dead? We just started!
- See?
Nice playing with you guys.
Nice seeing you again.
Um, if we saw
the Androsphinx from behind,
how did it surprise us?
It spun quickly?
But if a player catches
a monster from behind,
we would get the first attack.
You've read "The Dungeon
Master's Guide," yes?
Yes. I've read it.
Fine. You get first attack.
Androsphinx is basically invincible,
so go for it.
Okay. I cast a time stop spell.
And then I use Nolzur's
Marvelous Pigments
to paint a lake around the Androsphinx
in which it drowns.
- Nice!
The Androsphinx can't swim.
- It's dead, bitch.
- Fish food, bitch.
Anyway, enjoy splitting that treasure.
Oh, and lose my number,
you fucking nerds.
- All right, man.
- Unless you do this again,
because I really do enjoy D&D.
- Good to see you, Tolthar!
- Likewise.
- He's so good at D&D.
- He really is.
- You're a dick, Andy!
- You're a real dick!
What I can't figure out is
how you're able to stand
up without a backbone.
- Can you step in here?
- I've had a lifetime of this.
He'll make his point soon enough.
Hey, Vick.
Did you know that Terry
let me kick him out of his office
without putting up a fight?
I'm sure he had his reasons.
Oh, I'll tell you his reasons.
No balls.
Well, he's got a ball.
One ball. He's got a ball,
Eddie, Jr.'s got a ball.
Between them, they got a pair of balls.
- TOGETHER: Enough!
Harry lost that nut saving my life.
And Eddie lost his nut
the second time I saved his life.
- Terry's a great chief.
There's no one I'd rather report to.
And Eddie's a great captain.
His crew loves him.
And there's no one I'd rather
be in the trenches with.
You know, when
I showed up at work today,
I saw a chief and a captain
who loved to throw
each other under the bus,
neither acting like a leader.
So I devised a plan
- To make me your common enemy,
hoping that you'd band together,
and look what happened.
You're acting like a team.
Looks like I did my job again.
You're supporting each other.
You'll be better men, now.
You're welcome.
- Oh!
- Wanna get out of here?
- I thought you'd never ask.
You got room for a hot dog?
As long as I soak it in water.
- That's gross.
What is happening?
Two things.
You're paying for dinner.
And I'm Eddie Penisi.
Eddie Senior! ♪
[TOGETHER] Son of a bitch.
I'll just leave this here.
Take your time.
- Wanna split it?
- Nope.
The fog takes the form
of a female nothic.
You may ask one question of me,
and one question only!
Hey, I've got a question.
When can I play with you guys again?
Did you wash my car?
Did you do her laundry?
- Did you shine his shoes?
- Yes.
Why don't you start
on our station tasks?
Is that cool with you, Cap?
Yeah, you know,
I'll defer to the chief on this one,
since he's in charge of this house.
This is Cap's shift.
I defer to him,
and I support his decision.
No, sir, please. You decide.
No. Whatever's cool with
him is cool with me.
Okay. Then Andy can do everyone's tasks.
I really like our new synergy.
The station really hums
when we support each other.
- Doesn't it?
- Yeah.
Speaking of humming
did you have sex on my desk?
In light of our new,
honest relationship,
yes, I did.
Son of a bitch, Eddie.
That's sacred ground in there.
You don't have sex on the chief's desk.
- Somebody's got to do it.
- Who was it?
You know I don't kiss and tell.
Was it that woman from Animal Control?
That was in your car.
I really should call her.
Angela the ambulance driver.
That was on your couch at Christmastime.
- I should call her, too.
- Patty from the tax office.
That was in your garage
on St. Paddy's Day.
Ha! I'm not calling her.
- Who was it?
- I'm not telling.
- Tell me.
- I'm not telling.
This relationship is over!
Ask me if I care.
You don't care about
anything but yourself.
- I don't care about shit.
- That's exactly what I'm talking about!
I like it when things go back to normal.
It feels like all is right in the world.
Oh! Critical hit!
- You're gonna wash my desk!
- Andy, go wash Chief's desk. Now.
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