Tacoma FD (2019) s02e06 Episode Script

The C-Team

So here's the situation.
There's a guy in there,
he's fine, but
it's just a little bit weird.
- Wait, is that thing on?
- Yes, sir.
You're on Granny-Cam.
And you're gonna be
wearing it the whole time?
Yeah, Chief says somebody
should wear it.
- So I'm wearing it.
- Okay, well,
then Chief's gonna love these visuals.
- Who would do this to someone?
You know what?
I think I've seen this before.
It's called fisting.
No, I think fisting is something else.
This isn't your father's fisting.
- This is a new viral trend.
Oh, yeah, like planking.
Is that where you can't touch the floor?
No, that was the "Floor is Lava."
Hey, do you guys remember when
we did the Mannequin Challenge
but Chief's heavy breathing
kept giving him away?
- I was thinking that we would
just use the 3-2-1 method.
Ooh, let me get a better angle.
Here we go. Excuse me.
- I'll go under.
- All right.
We're gonna go on three, okay?
- Three, two, one.
- Big exhale, okay?
- Three, two, one.
- Oh, thank you.
My My toilet hand
was starting to prune.
How were you able to call
for help with all this going on?
Oh, I always livestream my fisting.
One of my fans called on my behalf.
Hey, can we redo our entrance
so I can film it again?
I'm wanna iris up so I
can get a better lighting.
- All right, cool.
- We have to reenact it?
- Sure.
- Yeah, yeah, thank you.
- Ugh.
- Thank you.
- You You guys are kidding, right?
- Oh, you can fake it.
I already got a great
shot of the extraction.
Oh, hey, buddy. Ugh, gross.
You switched hands.
Okay. And action!
The fire's out ♪
Now you wanna be ♪
Where the laughs are free ♪
Tacoma FD ♪
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
What's up, tree hugger?
- Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
- Hey.
Yeah, sorry I didn't see you there
on account of how tiny your car is.
Who makes that thing, Hot Wheels?
My car way better for the environment
than that thing you're driving.
Have you even heard of global warming?
I have, but this truck
shouldn't be a problem
for global warming, 'cause it's so cool.
[SCOFFS] Sure.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, okay.
Oh, Jesus. [GRUNTS]
It's tall. [LAUGHS]
Did you just buy this thing?
It's a test loan from the dealership.
Jesus Chrysler, you heard of them?
Jesus Chrysler,
we got heavenly deals! ♪
- We got heavenly deals! ♪
- There you go, see?
Hey, notice anything different about me?
Someone parked a big truck in your spot?
- Yeah!
- You got a haircut?
[SIGHS] It's the truck, Ike.
Oh, that's oh, yeah! Holy smokes!
The dealership is letting me
drive it for a week, yeah.
It's a lot of truck.
A lot of truck for a lot of men.
I think it looks good on you, Chief,
- like it was custom-made for you.
- Thank you, Eddie.
The car you drive says a lot about you.
Next time you see someone driving
the exact same car as you,
take a look at that driver.
- It's like looking in the mirror.
- What if the driver is borrowing,
like, his mom's car?
That's what people assume
when they see Andy driving his car.
Looks like that truck comes
loaded with zings, too.
That's right. Okay, let's go, everybody.
Come on. We're late for the shift.
Oh, shit, hide your mirrors.
Here comes the C-Team.
- These guys are the worst.
- Look who it is.
- It's the little guys.
Hey, any chance, uh, you heard about
- my vacation day last week?
- Nope, not really.
Cap said I could
chalk it up to flex time.
ALL: Oh!
Actually, I went to a bar over
the weekend and curled it.
- Was it a candy bar?
- ALL: Whoo!
Hey, Captain, you forgot your bag.
Nope, no, I didn't, Delilah.
I just didn't feel like carrying it.
That's your job.
Oh, what? [LAUGHTER]
- Delilah!
- Delilah, come on.
- Better get that nope.
- Come on, guys.
- Come on.
Let's go, fellas.
Delilah, hey.
How's the old C-Squad treating you?
Best way to describe it
is hell on Earth.
I'm really sorry that my dad
couldn't get you transferred
- back to Station 27.
- Yeah, me too.
You know, my old station
was awesome, but, you know,
they'd filled my slot,
and C-Team had one open,
- so here I am.
- Delilah!
How many times I gotta tell you?
- Don't forget your axe.
- Jesus.
- They, uh, make me hold
my rubber axe all the time.
Even on my days off.
Breakfast is on me.
Oh, man. She looks like shit.
- Yeah, and I feel like shit.
- Yeah, you should.
After you had her transferred and ripped
from her wonderful life,
the C-Team crushed her spirit.
That's on you.
Ugh, not again.
All right, good morning everybody.
- Hey.
- Good morning.
First order of business.
Who here thinks that my
test truck is better than
Andy's toy car?
- Show of hands!
- Right here.
- It's not a toy, you guys.
- Oh, really?
- Does it take batteries?
- Yeah.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Can you speak up?
- Yeah.
- Then it is a toy.
- All right.
I have some exciting news.
Station 24 has been selected
to create the next round of
public service
announcements for the city.
We get to shoot the commercials?
We do, It's a big honor.
We're premiering on
"It's 2:00 A.M. in Tacoma"
and all municipal websites.
- People love websites.
- Yeah!
And we also get a chance to save lives.
So let's put some thought into it.
We'll have a creative
meeting after lunch.
When was the last time Station 24
- got to make the PSAs?
- It's funny you ask that.
I happen to have it right here.
- ALL: Ooh.
- You know what this is?
- That's my copy of "On Golden Pond."
- It's a VHS.
We used to watch movies on these things.
Can you believe that?
And pop!
- Oh.
- Oh, my gosh.
The world as we know it is about to end.
This New Year's Eve,
as we enter the year 2000,
the millennium bug will hit.
A little something called Y2K.
Computer systems
will fail around the world.
Bank accounts will be deleted,
and planes will fall from the sky.
So you have to ask yourself,
"Am I prepared?"
I'm going to check my
emergency survival kit.
What are you working on?
It's a new peer-to-peer social network.
I'm calling it "FaceConnect."
I call it deleted.
'Cause that's what will happen
if you do not unplug your
computers or appliances
before the stroke of midnight.
When the world ends, be ready.
That way, on New Year's,
you won't get kissed
on the "apoca-lips."
- Love that line!
- Cap, you're a good actor.
That "apoca-lips"
line got me laid countless times.
- Hey.
- Good luck topping it.
All right, let's wind this up.
Starting with Andy's car. [LAUGHTER]
- Chief.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Man.
- Man!
- Andy, Andy, Andy.
- Yeah?
You wanna get Chief back for
all the razzing about the car?
- Yeah.
- I got something.
Why are you putting gas in the truck?
Because I enjoy giving Terry
a false sense of security.
- So what's your endgame?
- Nah, you don't want me
- to give it away, do you?
- Nah.
Nah. Close that.
Are we just doing fire safety PSAs?
Oh, I don't think so.
You know, Y2K video was topical.
How about a PSA explaining
what PSA stands for?
'Cause I think there's, like,
a lot of confusion around that.
- No, no, no.
- I mean, nobody can give me
- a straight answer.
- How about a PSA about two
- great teams making PSAs?
- That's great idea.
- Wait, what?
- Ouch, ouch!
It's good to see you, ladies.
Chief, what are these guys doing here?
What do you mean?
I didn't say your shift
- was making the PSAs.
- Yeah, you did. You
I said the station's making PSAs.
The C-Team wants to join.
The more the merrier!
Chief, we don't need their help.
Oh, you don't need our help? [LAUGHTER]
We don't need yours. This little joker.
He's so funny. Listen, my man Shorty
over here won a Ta-Comy for
acting in local theater.
- Mm-hmm.
- And when I played in the NFL,
- I did commercials.
- Yeah.
Including those Happy Sailor
deodorant commercials,
which I'm sure you all have seen.
I use that deodorant.
So, basically, I can act,
and I have a ton of
money for the budget.
And how are you gonna compete with this?
- All right, guys.
- We're all gonna work together.
- No, no, no, Chief, don't
Have fun making the PSAs.
Chief, don't leave.
Chief, don't leave Chief
Yeah, Chief! Whoo!
The chamois makes it shiny.
Hey, uh, Chief, your AC is on.
Yeah, I know. I don't wanna get hot.
Yeah, but you're wasting so much gas.
Don't worry about my gas.
This baby gets better gas mileage
than your little sardine can.
Oh, I seriously doubt that, Chief.
Oh, yeah? How many miles
per gallon do you get?
I like to think of it
more as smiles per gallon.
- 55 miles per gallon.
- Really?
- Yeah, 55.
- That seems like a lot.
I know, I thought so too.
But the proof's in the pudding.
I've been driving this
baby for three days,
- haven't even moved the needle yet.
- What?
What's the opposite of a lemon?
- A shark?
- Lime!
This is all lime.
Hoo-ee, look at this gorgeous truck.
It's like you two were
separated at birth.
- It's got eight cup holders.
- Wow-ee.
- The big ones!
- Whoo!
Unlike this little "bra on wheels,"
this baby reeks manliness.
I think I'm gonna start smoking cigars.
Here, keep her running five
minutes then turn it off.
What? [GROANS]
Ready to go fill them up?
You know we created a monster, right?
I know. And it's alive!
- Look, he left this thing on.
And all the doors are open!
What about spaying
and neutering your cats?
- Ooh.
- That's good.
Hey, hey, hey, breast cancer awareness.
- Ugh.
- Boo.
- Tapestries on lamps?
- Yeah.
- Oh, that's good.
Sorry, what does What does that mean?
Come on, man. Sometimes my lovemaking
goes on for so long they catch on fire.
- I've seen him do it.
- You watch him do that?
Delilah, what is this?
You know I don't eat
the green apples ones.
- Oh, my God, Delilah, Delilah.
- It's like an abomination.
They're touching my yellow ones.
Don't do that. Get it out of here.
All right, guys.
We're losing focus here.
How about we do a PSA video
on the new trend of fisting?
- Hard pass.
- Who made you the director?
- Yeah.
- Well, I guess I just did.
- First of all, I'm a Captain.
- We know.
No, no, no, no, no.
I can make you pick lint
out of my bellybutton if I want.
- Second, Granny's little
body cam videos don't
inspire much confidence.
Guys, honestly, Granny's our guy,
so he's gonna direct.
We're doing public
service announcements.
- Yeah.
- Not fisting porn, man.
You know what? I'm directing,
end of story.
I guess there's only one way
we're gonna be able to solve this.
Playing with the gang ♪
Going head to head with the band ♪
Garage hockey is the best ♪
Pretty wants to direct ♪
But the city got no respect ♪
So they're gonna decide
by playing sports ♪
High fives and pats on the butts ♪
Lucy doesn't go for
the top goal score ♪
Delilah just scored, but no one
cares about her goal ♪
They rather just laugh
and dance in slow-mo ♪
I'm about to make you
my B-I-T-C-H, baby.
Who the hell you
think you're talking to?
- Guys, guys!
- Huh?
- All right, get your boy!
- Hey, hey, hey, you know what?
You know what?
The hell with this, all right?
We're not working together.
You do your PSAs,
and we'll do our PSAs.
Okay, yeah, yeah, that's fine.
Because ours is gonna blow
yours out of the water!
We'll see about that. Good-bye.
A-Team out!
Man, you guys are really good at hockey.
We better be. We have
mandatory practices
in the event that another
shift challenges us to a game.
- Whoa, is that new?
- Uh, yeah.
When I got transferred to C-Team,
all the guys had one,
and they said it was the shift tattoo,
and I had to get one.
But when I showed up with mine,
they started laughing,
and they rubbed theirs off,
'cause theirs were temporary.
Shut up.
And I'm gonna have this shit forever.
- Does my dad know about that?
- Oh, my God, don't tell him.
It'll just make things worse for me.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's not your fault.
I mean, you're not the
one who had me transferred
to this station.
Delilah, come on!
- Let's go.
- Coming.
You just drizzle it on top like that?
Yeah, just a light drizzle.
You put a little butter
and lemon,
and sprinkle it across the top.
- Hmm.
- What's the opposite of a lemon?
You know what? I keep getting
asked that. I don't know.
Hey guys, who has an awesome mustache
and owns the greatest truck of all time?
- I'm gonna say Kid Rock.
- This guy.
$70,000, 80 miles per gallon.
- 80 miles per gallon?
- Seven
- Whoo, doggy!
- Yeah, I miscalculated.
It's not 55, it's 80 miles per gallon.
- Can you believe it?
- Wait, 70K?
- That's a big investment, Chief.
- Sure is.
You know what?
I'll more than make up for it
in the money I save on gas.
In the meantime you!
Keep that "save the seals"
mobile out of my spot.
I don't wanna run it
over with the beast.
- Okay, mm.
- This fresh?
- Yeah, I just made it.
Awesome. Thank you.
I like my coffee like I
like my trucks black!
He just mugged you. [CHUCKLES]
70K is so much money.
I think we should come clean.
Come clean? What are you, smoking crack?
Now's when the fun actually starts.
Remember when you asked
what the endgame was?
- Yes.
- This is it.
- There we go.
- Whoa.
You're really good at that, Cap.
Damn straight. I haven't paid
for gas since high school.
Wait, have you ever stolen my gas?
[CHUCKLES] Hold that still, would you?
- Myawani!
- Oh!
What, what
Oh, hey, I've been
looking all over for you.
What are you guys doing?
Uh, just having a water balloon fight.
- I'm losing.
- Cute.
Hey, check this out. Look it.
- Right, cool.
It's a Montalban Reserve.
It's from Honduras.
- Huh.
- It's gonna taste great
with this badass truck of mine. [LAUGHS]
- Okay.
- Do not light that.
Oh, what's the matter?
You don't like the smell, huh?
Chief, Chief
- No, no, no.
- Do not light that.
- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
See you later, suckers!
That was thrilling.
No, that was terrifying.
- Are the lights ready yet?
You know, this is hot on my fingers.
Get some gloves.
The lights need to be perfect.
Okay, well, you better sweep
my chimneys then, too.
- This is a cell phone free set.
- Hey, man.
Are you serious?
We need to beat these guys,
so focus, all right?
- Let's roll on rehearsal.
- Yes.
Hey, I was thinking I could
add this little thing about
how carbon monoxide
is "silent but deadly."
- Oh, like the fart.
- Ex exactly!
Let's read what's on the script.
You know, we'll just read
what's written, all right?
But why does it have to be so dark?
I'm going for a mood.
Unlike the C-Team and
their stupid '80s theme,
whatever that is.
Keep dancing, keep that energy up!
- Whoo!
- I'm loving it!
Come on, Cap, come hang out with us!
- You want me in there? Alright.
- Yeah!
There he is.
- Come on, Cap!
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-whoo!
- Hey, hey, hold on, hold on.
Should we do a PSA or
should we just have a party?
ALL: Party!
Oi, you're gonna wind up dead.
Now remember to turn
off your space heaters!
- I like that.
- I can always do it when
- the camera's not rolling.
- Hey, buddy, good job, man.
I'm loving everything you're doing.
But you're gonna be nude
in this scene, okay?
- Are you serious?
- Come on.
- I gotta top these guys.
- No, Granny.
- I'm not getting naked.
- What, don't be a prude, man.
- You're a stripper.
- Number one.
I'm not a stripper.
I'm an exotic dancer.
Number two. I don't get nude on stage.
- I tease.
- Okay.
You're just uncomfortable with
being naked all of a sudden?
Well, what does nudity have
to do with space heaters?
You guys are being losers right now.
No, you're kinda being a dick.
Oh, I'm a dick?
Ike can't even remember his lines.
[LAUGHS] You changed, man.
- I quit.
- Wha
- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah, you changed.
- I quit too.
- Really?
And another thing, Granny. Guess what.
Have fun shooting
your PSA with no friends.
- 'Cause no one's here!
- Well, I don't need you!
I don't need any of you!
I'll do it myself!
Bop-de-boop-de-boo, do-do-do ♪
Driving my truck. My truck!
Yeah, truck!
What What
That's impossible. I just filled it up!
Damn it!
Jesus, Chief Terry McConky here.
Um, can you tell me, uh
How many miles per gallon
does the truck get?
Did you say nine? Okay.
Hey, Chiefy. What's good, bubba?
Oh, hey, hey. Hey, guys.
- What are you doing out here?
- Getting some lunch
and generally rocking and rolling.
- How about you?
- You know, I was just, uh,
I was driving,
I got a cramp in the old leg.
- Ooh, that hurts.
- And so I'm just, uh
- I'm just stretching it out.
- Working it out.
- Cool, cool, cool.
- Sciatic nerve, you know?
Well, do you need a lift
or something, Chief?
No, no, no, why would I need a lift?
You know,
y-you got the sciatic nerve thing.
No, no, I'm fine, I'm good.
I'll stretch it out
then I'll drive the old truck back.
Oh, man, look at that truck.
How cool is that truck?
- It is really cool.
- Still getting 80 MPG?
Sure, yeah. At least.
- How lucky you are.
- Great, great, great.
But you don't want a lift now?
Uh, I just said I didn't want a lift.
So I don't want a lift.
Far be it from us to be courteous.
- Yeah.
- Am I right?
I'll meet you back at the station.
- Okay, cool. We'll see you back there.
- See you there.
- Okay.
- Bye, Chief.
Okay. Leg cramp.
[LAUGHS] Look at him back there.
- He looks like a lost child.
- Man, I feel terrible.
Following a guy till he runs out
of gas like that?
Dude, we just made a grown
man lie about his gas mileage.
We screwed him to the tune of 70K.
Yeah, but when you saw
him actually run out of gas,
how did it feel? Be honest.
- Kinda good.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.
Cherish that, .
Doesn't come along very often.
Anti-fisting PSA, take one.
He got the whole fist in his mouth!
- Should we call 911?
- He's got his
[LAUGHS] No, no, no, get it out!
Get it out, get it out!
We're gonna take him to the ER!
We're gonna go
- Ooga-booga-booga!
- You guys wanna play Horse?
Actually, when we play here,
we drop the R.
Yeah, in the fire station we play Hose.
- Yup.
- Oh, that tracks.
Well, well, well,
if it isn't the guy who put his
metaphorical foot in his mouth.
Yeah, and his fist in his real mouth.
- Why should we?
- You called us losers.
- Man.
All right, should we do
the 3-2-1 pull method?
- Yeah.
- Sure.
Three, two, one. Pull!
- Holy shit.
You got something you wanna say to us?
You guys, I'm really sorry.
There are no excuses for my actions.
It's okay, buddy.
We all make mistakes sometimes.
I promise I will never forget
to change the batteries
on the carbon monoxide detector again.
Good call.
Because carbon monoxide
is silent but deadly.
- Like farts.
- And cut!
- I think we got it, you guys.
- Hoo!
- That was awesome.
- So we're square?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Granny, you still owe us a real apology.
- The PSA didn't count?
- Nope.
- But I really meant it.
- You can always roll your hand
back into a fist and stick
it back in your mouth.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry, all right?
I went too far. We're friends.
I was wrong.
You're forgiven.
- Friends.
- Of course we're friends.
Oh, uh, Delilah. Let me help with that.
Uh, no, it's okay.
It's just C-Team's laundry from home.
Hey, I wanted to show you something.
I've been feeling really bad
about the way the C-Team's been
treating you, so I got
a little something as, like,
a show of solidarity. Check it out.
[LAUGHS] Isn't it so bad?
Oh, my God. You did that for me?
Yeah, so now you're not
the only one in the station
- with a stupid tattoo.
- Except
Oh, shit!
- Oh, no, it rubbed right off!
- It's temporary?
Yeah, dude. [SCOFFS]
Now you're the only one
with that stupid-ass tattoo.
Lucy, I've known you were the
one who had me transferred
this whole time.
You uprooted me from my
home and my perfect job,
and then threw me away
like forgotten leftovers.
But guess what?
I think you're gonna remember me now.
'Cause every time you look back
at that stupid-ass unicorn's face,
I hope you'll remember this.
Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew! Pew!
[LAUGHS] Yeah, got it!
- Bam!
- Oh!
- Bam!
- Dance, dance, go, Delilah!
- Dance off!
- ALL: You just got C-Teamed!
Hey, uh, Lucy, your bald spot's showing.
- Morning. What's up, guys?
- What's going on, Chief?
I took a page out of old Andy's book.
Every day's Earth Day, right guys?
Since when do you care
about the environment?
I don't hate the environment,
I hate animals, big difference.
- So this is your new car?
- Yeah.
Jesus took mercy on me
and took the truck back.
So I got this baby. Huh?
- Chief, you hate small cars.
- Well, this one's great.
Look, I can almost stretch
my neck out in it.
You got a neck? [LAUGHTER]
- That's funny.
- Oh, hey.
Everybody's PSAs are finished.
You wanna go inside and watch?
- Yes.
- Awesome.
Awesome. Let me just, uh,
get my, uh [GRUNTS]
- A little help, guys?
- You can't get out?
- Yeah, yeah, no problem.
- That's cool.
- Yeah, it's tight squeeze.
The seat the seat things
I don't I don't know.
All right, three, two, one.
All right. And now, the world premiere
of the PS-A-Team.
I'm so nervous, though.
Uh, honey, are are you going
to wear your seatbelt?
Hell, no. Seatbelts are uncool.
What's uncool is not wear
Wearing your seatbelt.
Oh, don't forget your little one.
Baby buckled now. [GIGGLES]
Buckle up. It saves lives.
- Well, that sucked.
- Yeah.
- Yup.
- Yeah.
That was way weirder than I thought.
Let's compare to the CTeam.
The summer's heating up, and so am I.
This Fourth of July protect
yourself by wearing plenty
of sunscreen with SPF 30 or higher.
And have a friend help you with those
tough-to-reach areas.
I gotta work out.
From all of us at Tacoma FD,
on July Fourth,
go forth safely, and
ALL: Happy Fourth!
- Is that real whale?
- Let's use theirs.
- Yeah, I think.
- Right?
- For sure.
- Yeah, no brainer.
- Yeah.
- Hit it again, Granny.
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